บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 14

each other whilst 80 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:22.539 they're shooting people. 81 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:26.569 Is it Fortnite and stuff like that? 82 00:03:26.930 --> 00:03:30.129 Yeah, Fortnite, I think, luckily he's gone off Fortnite. For 83 00:03:30.169 --> 00:03:32.150 a bit, he was completely addicted to Fortnite and that 84 00:03:32.189 --> 00:03:35.210 was quite intense. And apparently you can't pause it. 85 00:03:35.610 --> 00:03:37.539 So I would say to them, you've got to pause 86 00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:38.439 the game at dinner. 87 00:03:38.819 --> 00:03:41.439 Pause it. I can't pause it. I can't, it won't pause. 88 00:03:41.740 --> 00:03:42.159 Yeah, you can't. 89 00:03:42.180 --> 00:03:43.539 I was like, you need to pause it. And then 90 00:03:43.580 --> 00:03:45.120 he explained, the only way to come out of the 91 00:03:45.139 --> 00:03:46.199 game is to kill yourself. 92 00:03:46.379 --> 00:03:46.460 Yeah. 93 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:48.319 But then there was a period of time when every 94 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:50.710 dinner time, my wife and I would shout up the 95 00:03:50.750 --> 00:03:52.650 stairs and go, Aussie, kill. 96 00:03:52.490 --> 00:03:53.750 Yourself, it's dinner. 97 00:03:54.229 --> 00:03:56.080 What kind of a life is this? 98 00:03:58.819 --> 00:03:59.879 Shoot yourself. 99 00:04:01.530 --> 00:04:06.469 I've been in your family home and it's a proper 100 00:04:06.550 --> 00:04:07.650 family home as well. 101 00:04:07.689 --> 00:04:09.009 That's kind of, you know, when you. 102 00:04:08.969 --> 00:04:11.680 Imagine like a big comedian who plays the O2, you 103 00:04:11.719 --> 00:04:15.300 imagine like it could be a soulless kind of existence. 104 00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:17.899 But it's a proper, lovely family home. And do you 105 00:04:17.939 --> 00:04:19.500 try and keep them grounded like that? And did you 106 00:04:19.540 --> 00:04:21.939 try and create that? Because it seems just so nice 107 00:04:22.019 --> 00:04:24.410 and so... Your life seems very pleasant, Michael. 108 00:04:24.689 --> 00:04:25.310 No, it does. 109 00:04:25.389 --> 00:04:27.170 And I'm sorry to tell you, we've now moved into 110 00:04:27.189 --> 00:04:35.370 a vast, soulless house. LAUGHTER Let me just call my 111 00:04:35.389 --> 00:04:37.129 wife on the intercom and see when lunch is ready. 112 00:04:37.170 --> 00:04:42.550 LAUGHTER Yes, it's the same for everybody, isn't it? I mean, 113 00:04:42.689 --> 00:04:44.730 we're living our family lives. This is why we can 114 00:04:44.769 --> 00:04:47.329 do what we do, because we are thankfully all living 115 00:04:47.379 --> 00:04:48.480 the same lives. 116 00:04:48.500 --> 00:04:50.019 And when I go and talk about my life and 117 00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:52.720 you talk about your lives, the audience relate to it. 118 00:04:53.360 --> 00:04:55.040 And I've been asked that question a lot ever since 119 00:04:55.060 --> 00:04:57.560 you become successful. It's like, can you think of anything 120 00:04:57.620 --> 00:04:59.430 funny to say that people can relate to? 121 00:05:00.170 --> 00:05:02.730 I mean, obviously there are certain things that I experience 122 00:05:02.790 --> 00:05:04.629 that I don't, you know, I don't have a lot 123 00:05:04.670 --> 00:05:07.870 of private jet material, for example. 124 00:05:07.949 --> 00:05:11.009 I mean, I do, but I can't share it. It's 125 00:05:11.170 --> 00:05:17.689 quite a niche crowd, that one. But no, those days 126 00:05:17.750 --> 00:05:18.069 are over. 127 00:05:18.089 --> 00:05:22.110 How does it all go though, the baby, like you 128 00:05:22.149 --> 00:05:24.180 and Bobby enjoying it, or is it still that mad 129 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:25.180 no sleep stage? 130 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:26.040 You know what? 131 00:05:26.139 --> 00:05:27.750 I actually am enjoying it. 132 00:05:27.949 --> 00:05:31.350 I think I heard so many bad things about it beforehand. 133 00:05:31.490 --> 00:05:33.569 And I think I take everything quite literally. So I 134 00:05:33.569 --> 00:05:35.589 was like, this is it's just going to be horrific. 135 00:05:35.769 --> 00:05:38.079 And you just have to get through it. And actually, 136 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:40.620 it's been a bit of a pleasant surprise, which is. 137 00:05:41.060 --> 00:05:44.000 Quite nice, I think. But I'm definitely very tired. 138 00:05:44.019 --> 00:05:44.259 Yeah. 139 00:05:46.790 --> 00:05:49.689 So just to confirm, you're not in the doubt about that, 140 00:05:49.709 --> 00:05:49.970 you know? 141 00:05:50.029 --> 00:05:51.529 No, I'm very tired. 142 00:05:51.689 --> 00:05:56.889 And what's mad is it just, you think like being pregnant, 143 00:05:56.949 --> 00:06:00.120 I was really tired. And then you have the baby 144 00:06:00.180 --> 00:06:03.759 and there's no break in between. And you really think 145 00:06:03.800 --> 00:06:06.500 there should be a break, but there's not. You just 146 00:06:06.579 --> 00:06:07.550 go straight into it. 147 00:06:07.579 --> 00:06:08.769 I've just given birth. 148 00:06:09.149 --> 00:06:10.910 Give me a minute. 149 00:06:11.009 --> 00:06:12.589 Take the baby away for a week. 150 00:06:12.629 --> 00:06:14.850 Would you just take the baby for a second so 151 00:06:14.949 --> 00:06:15.709 I can have. 152 00:06:15.629 --> 00:06:20.100 A little recoup? Brush my hair or something. Let me, please. 153 00:06:21.060 --> 00:06:22.040 But you're straight in. 154 00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:24.399 I'm going to clean myself up and have a sit down. 155 00:06:24.699 --> 00:06:25.399 Exactly. 156 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:27.379 Exactly. 157 00:06:27.459 --> 00:06:27.819 Wow. 158 00:06:27.980 --> 00:06:31.620 How was the birth? Oh, God. It was fine. 159 00:06:31.779 --> 00:06:35.370 What happened was I did all these like hypnotherapy things 160 00:06:35.430 --> 00:06:37.790 and read all these books and everyone was like, whatever 161 00:06:37.829 --> 00:06:40.490 you do, just do it naturally and it'll be fine. 162 00:06:40.509

--> 00:06:42.370 I watched a video of a woman having a lovely 163 00:06:42.389 --> 00:06:44.509 birth and I was like, oh, that's what I'll try 164 00:06:44.550 --> 00:06:47.329 and do. And then they were like, oh, you have 165 00:06:47.350 --> 00:06:50.160 to get induced because there was a slight problem with 166 00:06:50.180 --> 00:06:51.019 the umbilical cord. 167 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:52.839 But everyone had told me and all these things that 168 00:06:52.920 --> 00:06:53.860 don't get induced. 169 00:06:54.240 --> 00:06:54.939 It will hurt more. 170 00:06:55.019 --> 00:06:56.180 It's that worse for the baby. 171 00:06:56.259 --> 00:06:56.699 All this stuff. 172 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:58.509 But of course, as soon as there's a problem, you're like, 173 00:06:58.730 --> 00:07:00.470 obviously I'm going to get induced. 174 00:07:00.629 --> 00:07:03.379 Also induced is sort of sounds like a medical word, 175 00:07:03.420 --> 00:07:06.100 but it's sort of just doesn't a midwife just sort 176 00:07:06.120 --> 00:07:07.720 of poke about a bit. 177 00:07:08.160 --> 00:07:09.180 Yeah, it's a bit more than that, Rob. 178 00:07:10.300 --> 00:07:13.279 Well, what do they do? Because I don't know. 179 00:07:13.300 --> 00:07:14.500 Yeah, that's fair enough. 180 00:07:15.300 --> 00:07:16.699 I've never been induced. 181 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:18.550 You've never been induced. 182 00:07:18.629 --> 00:07:20.449 And I don't feel right Googling it. 183 00:07:20.490 --> 00:07:22.050 We should give it a go sometime, Rob. 184 00:07:22.170 --> 00:07:23.089 I'll get on YouTube. 185 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:26.720 I've actually been inducing some women just to find out 186 00:07:26.740 --> 00:07:28.639 what it is to be more informed for the pod. 187 00:07:29.329 --> 00:07:30.050 Yeah, it's good. 188 00:07:30.129 --> 00:07:33.389 Good, good feminist move. Um, it's, uh, no, that was 189 00:07:33.470 --> 00:07:35.949 actually the worst bit. So they, they put this thing 190 00:07:35.970 --> 00:07:38.430 and it was actually, it was quite lovely to begin with. Um, 191 00:07:38.470 --> 00:07:40.370 because it was like, it was near Christmas. 192 00:07:40.410 --> 00:07:41.370 We were, um, at St. 193 00:07:41.410 --> 00:07:41.850 Thomas's. 194 00:07:41.870 --> 00:07:43.670 So you're like me and Bobby went for a walk 195 00:07:43.709 --> 00:07:44.829 along the South bank. 196 00:07:44.980 --> 00:07:47.680 It was lovely. And then, um, I went to sleep. 197 00:07:47.699 --> 00:07:49.680 The midwives were so nice and it was all good. 198 00:07:49.740 --> 00:07:51.379 And then the next, I started to wake up in 199 00:07:51.399 --> 00:07:52.959 the night with contract. They were like, it's going to 200 00:07:52.980 --> 00:07:55.060 take three to five days. You're going to be here. 201 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:57.939 I packed for literally a week. And I was like, 202 00:07:57.959 --> 00:08:00.370 I'm moving in. And they were like, it's going to 203 00:08:00.430 --> 00:08:03.790 take ages. But then I started to get contractions quite quickly. 204 00:08:03.949 --> 00:08:07.250 And the midwife in the, well, like within like 12 hours. 205 00:08:07.290 --> 00:08:09.029 And then the midwife in the morning was like, oh, 206 00:08:09.069 --> 00:08:11.290 you're contracting like twice in 10 minutes. Like it looks 207 00:08:11.310 --> 00:08:14.699 like it's on its way. And then that midwife disappeared. 208 00:08:15.300 --> 00:08:16.379 And I think they were quite. 209 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:17.100 What, a puff of smoke? 210 00:08:17.699 --> 00:08:18.399 Yeah, she just. 211 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:20.259 I don't... Maybe I was hallucinating. 212 00:08:20.339 --> 00:08:22.759 I don't know. You never saw her again? 213 00:08:22.779 --> 00:08:24.560 Never saw her again. 214 00:08:24.579 --> 00:08:26.870 So she disappeared. 215 00:08:26.930 --> 00:08:28.310 And then I think they found a staff and it 216 00:08:28.350 --> 00:08:29.870 was all quite stressful. So I was like, don't worry, 217 00:08:29.990 --> 00:08:32.830 I've got this. And I was timing myself. And then 218 00:08:32.970 --> 00:08:35.049 I called Bobby at like 10.30 and I was like... 219 00:08:35.070 --> 00:08:36.820 Because he had to go home. And I was like, 220 00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:37.320 come back. 221 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:39.600 It's on. I'm in the time frame. 222 00:08:39.620 --> 00:08:40.100 It's all good. 223 00:08:40.539 --> 00:08:42.970 But then there was a new midwife, and she turned up, 224 00:08:42.980 --> 00:08:45.659 and then she wasn't really paying attention. I was like, 225 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:47.080 I'm very much in labour now. 226 00:08:47.139 --> 00:08:50.059 And she was like, cool, see you later. And then 227 00:08:50.100 --> 00:08:52.460 she came back. I was like, I really could do 228 00:08:52.500 --> 00:08:55.919 with some kind of pain relief or something. She was like, 229 00:08:55.960 --> 00:08:58.919 I'll go get a paracetamol. And then she disappeared for 230 00:08:58.950 --> 00:08:59.230 a while. 231 00:08:59.250 --> 00:08:59.830 Paracetamol? 232 00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:02.870 I'm not at five pints, and I don't even start. 233 00:09:03.110 --> 00:09:05.970 Get your Lucas Aide with paracetamol. Someone get her a 234 00:09:05.970 --> 00:09:07.549 Gregg's pasty, will you? She's struggling. 235 00:09:07.590 --> 00:09:11.950 Please, please, please. So, yeah, then they were kind of like, oh, yeah, 236 00:09:11.990 --> 00:09:12.679 maybe something is. 237 00:09:12.679 --> 00:09:15.730 But I still had the pessary thing. And that's the 238 00:09:15.750 --> 00:09:17.429 thing with the induction. And that was actually the most 239 00:09:17.490 --> 00:09:20.230 painful thing. I don't know what happened, but it really 240 00:09:20.269 --> 00:09:21.110 hurt my vagina. 241 00:09:21.629 --> 00:09:24.769 They say that about labour. 242 00:09:24.909 --> 00:09:25.509 They do. 243 00:09:25.580 --> 00:09:26.240 Yeah, they do. 244 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:28.580 And

so they had to try and get that out first. 245 00:09:28.659 --> 00:09:31.419 But I was like, it was all really stressful. It 246 00:09:31.460 --> 00:09:34.080 went mad in there for a bit. And then Bobby 247 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:35.139 fired the midwives. 248 00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:37.039 He fired them? Yeah. Yeah. 249 00:09:37.460 --> 00:09:39.899 So it actually was the right choice because it was 250 00:09:39.950 --> 00:09:41.789 all getting really intense and they were kind of yelling 251 00:09:41.830 --> 00:09:44.470 at me a little bit and it was really mad. 252 00:09:44.549 --> 00:09:46.149 And then he was like, look, you guys just need 253 00:09:46.169 --> 00:09:49.269 to step outside for a minute because I couldn't speak. 254 00:09:49.389 --> 00:09:51.610 And so they left. But then the problem and then 255 00:09:51.629 --> 00:09:53.549 we were like, yeah, this is great. We're in control. 256 00:09:53.590 --> 00:09:55.330 But then the problem was we didn't have a midwife. 257 00:09:57.100 --> 00:10:00.220 Um sorry you were trying to get bobby mayor your 258 00:10:00.259 --> 00:10:02.879 husband to deliver your and no offense to bobby i 259 00:10:02.919 --> 00:10:06.320 don't think i'd let him deliver a letter no no that's. 260 00:10:06.139 --> 00:10:08.879 Very fair yeah that is fair but to be. 261 00:10:08.779 --> 00:10:10.779 Fair they were all shouting at me and um it 262 00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:13.580 was really intense yeah They were just. 263 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:15.600 Like, breathe, breathe. 264 00:10:15.639 --> 00:10:17.019 And I was like, I'm trying to breathe. 265 00:10:17.259 --> 00:10:19.289 And he was like, he could just tell that I 266 00:10:19.330 --> 00:10:20.970 was really upset because they were trying to get this 267 00:10:21.070 --> 00:10:21.990 thing out and it really hurt. 268 00:10:22.029 --> 00:10:23.389 And he was like, she just needs a minute. 269 00:10:23.809 --> 00:10:25.029 Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. 270 00:10:25.289 --> 00:10:27.289 And I kept saying, can we have the other midwife back? 271 00:10:27.409 --> 00:10:29.610 And they were like, no, she's gone. So, yeah, then 272 00:10:29.649 --> 00:10:30.409 we didn't have. 273 00:10:30.389 --> 00:10:31.870 A midwife for a while. So it was a little 274 00:10:31.909 --> 00:10:32.549 bit stressful. 275 00:10:32.610 --> 00:10:35.580 And then the head midwife was like, you should have 276 00:10:35.620 --> 00:10:36.080 a midwife. 277 00:10:36.259 --> 00:10:37.679 And we were like, that's fair. 278 00:10:37.700 --> 00:10:41.179 That's a fair comment, head midwife. 279 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:43.700 You would say that, wouldn't you? You and your cronies. 280 00:10:45.490 --> 00:10:47.289 It's a racket. They're running a racket here. 281 00:10:47.529 --> 00:10:49.830 Is that only the midwife deliver the babies around here? 282 00:10:49.850 --> 00:10:50.590 What's going on? 283 00:10:50.929 --> 00:10:52.129 This other midwife was on her lunch. 284 00:10:52.289 --> 00:10:54.789 And when she finished her lunch, she came and she 285 00:10:54.830 --> 00:10:57.950 realised quite quickly that I was very much giving birth. 286 00:10:58.110 --> 00:11:01.629 And so then I gave birth. And Bobby kept trying 287 00:11:01.649 --> 00:11:03.090 to go down to that end. And I was like, 288 00:11:03.169 --> 00:11:05.190 stay up here. Apparently at one point I grabbed him 289 00:11:05.210 --> 00:11:07.090 by the shirt and was like, stay at this end. 290 00:11:07.669 --> 00:11:10.720 um and then um but then the baby started to 291 00:11:10.769 --> 00:11:12.639 come out and um i was like what does it 292 00:11:12.659 --> 00:11:15.679 look like and then he was like oh uh what 293 00:11:15.700 --> 00:11:17.480 had happened is it came out and because i didn't 294 00:11:17.500 --> 00:11:19.759 have time for my waters to break and so um 295 00:11:19.940 --> 00:11:22.759 she came out in the sack um and so but 296 00:11:23.379 --> 00:11:25.090 we didn't know that it was in a sack and 297 00:11:25.110 --> 00:11:28.509 so he was like oh uh let's just wait and 298 00:11:28.570 --> 00:11:29.850 see what happens. 299 00:11:29.669 --> 00:11:34.450 Um That's not what you want, is it? 300 00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:35.440 Yeah, exactly. 301 00:11:35.460 --> 00:11:37.559 I was like, what? He's like, I don't know. We'll 302 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:43.179 just wait a minute. She's all out. Let me have 303 00:11:43.200 --> 00:11:44.860 a look at the full thing before I give you 304 00:11:44.899 --> 00:11:45.399 an appraisal. 305 00:11:45.419 --> 00:11:46.039 Yeah, exactly. 306 00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:47.179 Just give me a minute. 307 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:53.029 The individual that changed my life was my daughter, Sophia Khan. 308 00:11:53.549 --> 00:11:56.950 And she was born 11 years ago. And then Nobbed 309 00:11:56.990 --> 00:12:00.070 arrived quite quick after. That was, that was, he's nine. 310 00:12:00.210 --> 00:12:02.889 Then the other Nobbed came, he's seven. And then there's 311 00:12:02.909 --> 00:12:03.490 a new one. 312 00:12:03.529 --> 00:12:04.289 He's only two. 313 00:12:04.309 --> 00:12:06.769 And he was on the cusp of being like his sister. 314 00:12:07.070 --> 00:12:09.250 But unfortunately, he's ended up like his dad and his brothers. 315 00:12:09.649 --> 00:12:12.570 So that's the third Nobbed, who's two. So three boys, 316 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:17.679 nine and below. And one incredible young woman who's 11. 317 00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:18.519 Do you have a favorite? 318 00:12:20.740 --> 00:12:22.200 Do you know what? 319 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:26.519 Here's the thing, okay? 320 00:12:26.559 --> 00:12:28.779 I know I've presented that as like, you know, Sophia 321 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.120 is the beacon of everything. But you know, on a 322 00:12:31.139 --> 00:12:35.899 day-to-day basis, like somebody, like it's like a horse race. 323 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:39.419 Someone becomes a favorite every day by doing something silly

324 00:12:39.860 --> 00:12:42.340 or something funny or swearing. 325 00:12:41.960 --> 00:12:43.850 At a neighbor. And like, you know what I mean? 326 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:45.950 That's the interchange. But I'm very honest with them. 327 00:12:45.970 --> 00:12:48.090 I always sit them down regularly and say, look, man, 328 00:12:48.649 --> 00:12:51.529 Some days, your dad loves you more than others, and 329 00:12:51.570 --> 00:12:52.250 today it's you. 330 00:12:52.509 --> 00:12:54.320 And I think it's very important for character building that 331 00:12:54.340 --> 00:12:54.700 they know that. 332 00:12:55.019 --> 00:12:59.320 There's four kids there. Do they interact well? Are they... 333 00:12:59.799 --> 00:13:02.250 I don't even know where I'd start with, like, just 334 00:13:02.269 --> 00:13:02.830 the day. 335 00:13:02.950 --> 00:13:03.129 Like. 336 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:04.899 Talk me through getting up. 337 00:13:05.860 --> 00:13:08.679 So you're up in the morning. You're up quite early. 338 00:13:08.700 --> 00:13:11.759 So Sophia is now, it's the best part of parenting. 339 00:13:11.980 --> 00:13:14.679 She's self-sufficient, isn't it? She knows what she's doing, bro. 340 00:13:14.940 --> 00:13:18.240 She goes, be brushing her own teeth. It doesn't fall 341 00:13:18.259 --> 00:13:18.919 in the toilet. 342 00:13:18.940 --> 00:13:21.320 There's none of that drama about finding a spare toothbrush 343 00:13:21.590 --> 00:13:24.549 like we get with the younger lot. So she's very self-sufficient. 344 00:13:24.870 --> 00:13:27.990 Breakfast sorts herself out. Yeah, it's good vibes. She's got 345 00:13:28.029 --> 00:13:29.809 music on. She's doing her tea. 346 00:13:29.909 --> 00:13:33.279 She's basically just like a flat share she's just like 347 00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:35.299 a lodger She is. 348 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:38.960 She's like a very mature lodger, yeah? She needs to 349 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:41.399 get reminded to, like, change her socks and that. She's 350 00:13:41.419 --> 00:13:42.490 a bit of a tramp when it comes to that. 351 00:13:42.590 --> 00:13:45.450 But apart from that, she's Sam. So the other three, 352 00:13:45.669 --> 00:13:49.450 two of them share a bedroom. And then you know 353 00:13:49.490 --> 00:13:52.970 they're up because, like, things start, like, loud bangs on 354 00:13:52.990 --> 00:13:55.779 the floor. So that's Ye and Wiggy. Ye and Wiggy 355 00:13:55.840 --> 00:13:59.360 are on a mad one. The littlest one, he's still 356 00:13:59.659 --> 00:14:01.320 between me and his mum in the bed. 357 00:14:01.480 --> 00:14:01.779 Right. 358 00:14:01.860 --> 00:14:02.320 Oh, right. 359 00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:05.649 He refuses to leave. But to be honest with you, 360 00:14:05.669 --> 00:14:06.860 me and my missus were talking about this the other day. 361 00:14:07.580 --> 00:14:10.679 We're now used to that setup pretty much since Sophia. 362 00:14:10.860 --> 00:14:14.559 So we've always had one little weirdo stuck between us. 363 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:16.500 For 11 years, yeah. 364 00:14:16.700 --> 00:14:19.639 Yeah, 11 years on the bounce, bro. 365 00:14:19.980 --> 00:14:22.620 Even when you try and shift a kid out in 366 00:14:22.659 --> 00:14:25.740 between those periods, there's always one little pervert that opens 367 00:14:25.759 --> 00:14:26.620 the door in the night like. 368 00:14:26.860 --> 00:14:29.480 Oh, dad, what's going on, dad? Can't sleep, man. So 369 00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:32.000 you can't be getting up to nothing anyway. So, you 370 00:14:32.019 --> 00:14:32.620 know what I mean? 371 00:14:32.659 --> 00:14:34.450 Well, you've had a good go at it. You've got four. 372 00:14:34.490 --> 00:14:35.419 You must have found some time. 373 00:14:36.019 --> 00:14:37.289 Yeah, fuck, you just got to get it in, innit? 374 00:14:37.330 --> 00:14:38.710 You're not going to be. 375 00:14:39.009 --> 00:14:46.210 Able to see it all. 376 00:14:46.309 --> 00:14:47.750 When you look at all four of them, the run 377 00:14:47.820 --> 00:14:50.679 of it, what it's like on a daily basis, our 378 00:14:50.740 --> 00:14:52.379 lives do revolve around them. 379 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:54.700 But I want to say in a positive way here, 380 00:14:55.340 --> 00:14:56.700 it's really fun for us. 381 00:14:56.980 --> 00:14:57.980 It's a mission. 382 00:14:58.259 --> 00:15:00.789 It's a mission every day. But me and her sometimes 383 00:15:00.850 --> 00:15:01.649 get a bit of quiet time. 384 00:15:01.710 --> 00:15:02.009 It's like. 385 00:15:02.590 --> 00:15:04.789 She'd look at me and she'd be like, you're fucking weird. 386 00:15:04.830 --> 00:15:06.230 And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Thank you. 387 00:15:06.289 --> 00:15:08.450 Let's get back to the kids. So they're good for us. 388 00:15:08.470 --> 00:15:09.610 They're a great balance for us. 389 00:15:09.649 --> 00:15:12.070 What do you think it's going to be like when you... Like, 390 00:15:12.090 --> 00:15:13.750 can you remember what it was like when you were 391 00:15:13.889 --> 00:15:17.309 a couple? Just the two of you. How long ago 392 00:15:17.350 --> 00:15:17.929 does that feel? 393 00:15:18.250 --> 00:15:18.690 Long time. 394 00:15:19.049 --> 00:15:19.850 Different life, Joshy. 395 00:15:20.169 --> 00:15:20.610 Different life. 396 00:15:20.629 --> 00:15:22.250 I was up to all kinds of different things. 397 00:15:22.529 --> 00:15:23.309 I think for her. 398 00:15:23.769 --> 00:15:27.039 She was kind of like, he's my mate. 399 00:15:27.340 --> 00:15:29.419 It was never a lovey-dovey between me and her, so 400 00:15:29.460 --> 00:15:32.179 we were always mates, which was really important. So she 401 00:15:32.220 --> 00:15:35.240 was like, my mate might go to prison for a while. 402 00:15:35.399 --> 00:15:37.580 So she was used to that, and instead, she ended 403 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:40.169 up in prison with her mate and just banged out 404 00:15:40.190 --> 00:15:44.029 four kids. So, you know, we're kind of

in a 405 00:15:44.110 --> 00:15:47.789 version of prison because I go to work, she goes 406 00:15:47.870 --> 00:15:49.549 out and sees family and mates and stuff for a bit, 407 00:15:49.570 --> 00:15:52.529 but then both of us are quite intensely back with 408 00:15:52.549 --> 00:15:52.840 the kids. 409 00:15:53.529 --> 00:15:53.879 Yeah. 410 00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:55.419 But what life was like. 411 00:15:55.299 --> 00:15:56.179 Before that, I don't know. 412 00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:58.159 To be honest with you, I suppose why it's not 413 00:15:58.179 --> 00:16:00.720 that much of a change is my family set up 414 00:16:01.139 --> 00:16:03.610 since I was a kid is our houses have always 415 00:16:03.649 --> 00:16:04.889 been busy, haven't they? 416 00:16:04.929 --> 00:16:05.169 Yeah. 417 00:16:05.490 --> 00:16:07.429 When I go back to Cov now and I crack 418 00:16:07.450 --> 00:16:11.250 the front door, in my house will be like... Three 419 00:16:11.289 --> 00:16:13.659 nieces and nephews of mine who were very close to me, 420 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:17.220 super close. My sister would be floating about. One of 421 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:19.759 her mates would be floating about the house. So for us, 422 00:16:20.299 --> 00:16:22.269 we're always used to. 423 00:16:22.009 --> 00:16:22.769 Go, go, go. 424 00:16:22.789 --> 00:16:26.629 And I'm really bad at being like, oh, twiddling my 425 00:16:26.649 --> 00:16:27.610 thumbs on my own. 426 00:16:27.629 --> 00:16:28.389 What should I do here? 427 00:16:28.769 --> 00:16:31.820 I always need like somebody about to have a laugh 428 00:16:31.860 --> 00:16:33.899 and I feel happy. So I suppose in that sense, 429 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:36.529 she's from a big family. I'm from a really big family. 430 00:16:36.809 --> 00:16:38.769 It's just like, it's all we've ever known. Do you 431 00:16:38.789 --> 00:16:39.309 know what I mean? 432 00:16:39.330 --> 00:16:39.429 Yeah. 433 00:16:39.470 --> 00:16:40.909 Is her family in Coventry as well? 434 00:16:40.929 --> 00:16:42.820 Her family's in Cobb as well. 435 00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:42.960 Yeah. 436 00:16:42.980 --> 00:16:45.000 Cause that's the thing. You used to be a teacher, 437 00:16:45.220 --> 00:16:47.539 didn't you? And then you sort of broke through. 438 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:51.019 But your rise to sort of success and being so 439 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:53.980 busy with comedy and acting was quite quick. So you've 440 00:16:54.019 --> 00:16:56.980 gone from that setup. You probably had a two-year-old daughter. 441 00:16:57.320 --> 00:17:00.639 You're a teacher. You're doing a few videos online. And 442 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:02.720 your day is probably quite regimented, you know, where you 443 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:04.160 are when you're on summer holidays. And then all of 444 00:17:04.180 --> 00:17:06.700 a sudden now you're flying around the world filming stuff. 445 00:17:07.319 --> 00:17:09.940 Your life's changed quite a lot. Did you feel that 446 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:12.259 impacted on you as a dad and the kids? Because 447 00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:15.589 you're physically not there enough. Luckily, she's got support around her, 448 00:17:15.670 --> 00:17:18.029 your partner. But how's it for you not being there 449 00:17:18.069 --> 00:17:19.970 as regularly as you were in such a short amount 450 00:17:19.990 --> 00:17:20.369 of time? 451 00:17:20.990 --> 00:17:22.490 So it's kind of mad, bro. 452 00:17:22.569 --> 00:17:25.470 When I really think about it, we just had our 453 00:17:25.569 --> 00:17:29.700 third when I first ever tried a funny video or whatever. 454 00:17:30.140 --> 00:17:32.599 So we were already quite into the pairing. And I 455 00:17:32.640 --> 00:17:36.519 remember thinking when I was teaching, I loved the... the 456 00:17:36.579 --> 00:17:39.779 fundamentals of being a teacher, interacting with the kids. And, 457 00:17:39.819 --> 00:17:41.920 you know, they weren't really used to having a teacher 458 00:17:41.940 --> 00:17:44.289 who was from their background. Like, in college, it was 459 00:17:44.309 --> 00:17:47.170 quite a fairy. So all of that stuff was going on. 460 00:17:47.230 --> 00:17:49.309 But I was thinking, shit, man, if I keep teaching, 461 00:17:49.329 --> 00:17:51.910 this is going to kill me. Because it's so intense. 462 00:17:52.029 --> 00:17:54.470 It's like you finish work, and you're like, oh, 3.30 463 00:17:54.470 --> 00:17:56.829 or whatever. And now you're marking books till 2 a.m. 464 00:17:57.029 --> 00:17:58.930 It was killing me. But I always tried to, like, 465 00:17:58.950 --> 00:18:02.259 maintain this family balance. And so when this stuff kicked 466 00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:04.500 off and things started coming in, I was just... I 467 00:18:04.539 --> 00:18:07.039 think I was quite aware that I wanted to grab 468 00:18:07.059 --> 00:18:08.099 them when I could and take. 469 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:08.460 Them with me. 470 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:13.220 So if it was like, oh, you're filming in Europe 471 00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:17.210 for three months on a bounce, I'd just generally speak 472 00:18:17.250 --> 00:18:19.150 to the school and be like, look, you know what 473 00:18:19.190 --> 00:18:20.190 my organization is like. 474 00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:20.589 It's shit. 475 00:18:20.650 --> 00:18:22.269 You've seen me going through the school gates in the morning. 476 00:18:22.710 --> 00:18:24.390 I've got this new job. I've got this new life. 477 00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:26.730 do you reckon you can let the kids. 478 00:18:26.769 --> 00:18:28.049 Come with me for a bit and they'll be like 479 00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:29.789 they were really good schools were good they were like 480 00:18:29.809 --> 00:18:31.670 you know what we will but if it goes beyond 481 00:18:31.690 --> 00:18:33.619 this we'll have to fine you so i always took 482 00:18:33.630 --> 00:18:34.829 a bit of a fine in terms. 483 00:18:34.660 --> 00:18:35.539 Of weeks i. 484

00:18:38.559 --> 00:18:42.380 Know and then it became a thing because it's not 485 00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:44.119 you know what i mean it's like i'm not child 486 00:18:44.140 --> 00:18:45.740 trafficking am i they're just with their dad. 487 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:49.400 This is not building in an extra tax yeah exactly 488 00:18:49.420 --> 00:18:50.700 bro exactly. 489 00:18:53.660 --> 00:18:55.890 I think you've got the most children that we've got 490 00:18:55.910 --> 00:18:58.890 Paris Fury on soon, which I think may beat your record. 491 00:18:58.910 --> 00:19:02.569 But you will hold the record. Five children, is that correct, Sophie? 492 00:19:02.990 --> 00:19:03.450 That's correct. 493 00:19:03.470 --> 00:19:05.910 The last head count, five. 494 00:19:05.970 --> 00:19:07.430 Five. All boys, right? 495 00:19:07.990 --> 00:19:08.670 Yes, yes. 496 00:19:08.970 --> 00:19:10.299 What ages have you got? 497 00:19:11.190 --> 00:19:13.319 My eldest is 17 and my youngest is two. 498 00:19:14.089 --> 00:19:15.990 Oh, wow. That's a lot of kids. 499 00:19:16.009 --> 00:19:18.119 So is there a big gap between the youngest and 500 00:19:18.140 --> 00:19:20.480 the others or is it all just spread out quite evenly? 501 00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:23.769 There's five years between the first two and then three 502 00:19:23.809 --> 00:19:25.170 years for the next four. 503 00:19:25.549 --> 00:19:26.009 Oh, wow. 504 00:19:26.230 --> 00:19:27.529 I got into a bit more of a rhythm. 505 00:19:29.319 --> 00:19:32.880 Like a conservative election year. Just sort of five years 506 00:19:32.940 --> 00:19:33.839 and three, three, three. 507 00:19:33.859 --> 00:19:34.980 How is that now? 508 00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:37.279 Because it must be, you're doing two things here. If 509 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:40.900 a 17-year-old and a two-year-old, you've got two different things. 510 00:19:41.849 --> 00:19:45.750 I mean, my youngest started nursery the same week my eldest. 511 00:19:45.609 --> 00:19:48.329 Had his first driving lesson. So you do get those 512 00:19:48.390 --> 00:19:49.410 parallels quite often. 513 00:19:49.750 --> 00:19:54.640 Did he? drop him off? be quite handy it would be. 514 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:56.960 Handy actually but i think i quite like all that 515 00:19:57.079 --> 00:19:59.779 i quite like the juxtaposition of all the age gap 516 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:03.000 for me it makes things i mean sometimes it's easier 517 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:05.589 i guess if they're closer together but sometimes there's a 518 00:20:05.630 --> 00:20:07.789 nice balance that comes with having lots of different stuff 519 00:20:07.809 --> 00:20:08.849 going on all the time. 520 00:20:08.710 --> 00:20:10.490 Then yeah do you do like 50 50 of the 521 00:20:10.509 --> 00:20:12.210 parenting or is it one more than another how's it 522 00:20:12.369 --> 00:20:14.150 how do you divvy up because it must be more 523 00:20:14.190 --> 00:20:16.799 stressful with more kids or is once

you've got five 524 00:20:16.839 --> 00:20:18.180 you're all bunched in together is it. 525 00:20:20.059 --> 00:20:20.799 Well, I don't know. 526 00:20:20.819 --> 00:20:22.339 I mean, no, it's quite exponential. 527 00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:24.779 I think when I went from one to two, it 528 00:20:24.819 --> 00:20:27.140 really dawned on me that, oh, it's not like, oh, 529 00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:29.269 you've got one, you just add another one. It's like, oh, no, 530 00:20:29.289 --> 00:20:33.769 it's double the work. And there's more to delegate. And 531 00:20:33.789 --> 00:20:36.430 I think I'm a bit of a control freak with 532 00:20:36.450 --> 00:20:41.109 the admin side. So I do like kid admin. And obviously, 533 00:20:41.309 --> 00:20:42.930 now that there's a lot of them, that's a lot of... 534 00:20:43.539 --> 00:20:44.359 stuff to get through. 535 00:20:44.230 --> 00:20:46.519 That's mental load i think that's not known as in 536 00:20:46.539 --> 00:20:48.359 the in the game in it we've been told that 537 00:20:48.500 --> 00:20:51.099 mental load stuff yeah knowing where they've got to be 538 00:20:51.140 --> 00:20:52.660 what they've got to do at all times that kind 539 00:20:52.700 --> 00:20:54.500 of stuff but you're not maybe and then he may 540 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:56.599 do more of the physical moving them there and taking 541 00:20:56.680 --> 00:20:57.339 their stuff. 542 00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:59.579 Okay i mean like richard it wouldn't be that unusual 543 00:20:59.619 --> 00:21:01.920 for him to get their ages wrong or the eighth 544 00:21:01.980 --> 00:21:06.619 year that they're in at school okay fair enough I'm 545 00:21:06.660 --> 00:21:09.079 kind of up to speed on that stuff yeah what 546 00:21:09.099 --> 00:21:09.500 car have. 547 00:21:09.460 --> 00:21:11.700 You got sorry I'm getting into details now that's a 548 00:21:11.799 --> 00:21:15.700 question five kids what car what's the car sitch so well. 549 00:21:15.559 --> 00:21:19.220 Um so we have um we've got a Chrysler like 550 00:21:19.269 --> 00:21:22.690 an old beat up uh old car Chrysler that's a 551 00:21:22.710 --> 00:21:24.569 seven seater that we use when we need to do 552 00:21:24.630 --> 00:21:25.650 a family trip. 553 00:21:25.890 --> 00:21:27.509 And does that get car seats in as well but 554 00:21:27.549 --> 00:21:29.150 now you're probably not a car seat stage as well 555 00:21:29.170 --> 00:21:30.190 it fits in a car. 556 00:21:30.190 --> 00:21:33.730 Yeah that's all fine Voyager is it the Voyager. 557 00:21:33.950 --> 00:21:35.690 Yes, exactly, a Chrysler Voyager, yes. 558 00:21:35.789 --> 00:21:37.059 God, I'm such a geezer. 559 00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:41.960 Rob Moonlights is a traffic police officer and he's just 560 00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:44.420 double-checking that you're not breaking any rules. 561 00:21:44.460 --> 00:21:46.380 No, but my dad was obsessed with cars and he 562 00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:47.960 always wanted a big one to get us all in 563 00:21:47.980 --> 00:21:51.869 because I've got four brothers. So a Chrysler Voyager, there 564 00:21:51.890 --> 00:21:53.329 was a lot of chat about that in the Ford 565 00:21:53.349 --> 00:21:57.690 Galaxy as options for seven-seaters. It's quite a nice van, 566 00:21:57.710 --> 00:21:59.230 but it's basically a van with seats in, isn't it? 567 00:21:59.710 --> 00:22:00.730 That's exactly what it is. 568 00:22:00.829 --> 00:22:03.470 And then we go from that, practical, and then down 569 00:22:03.509 --> 00:22:07.059 to sort of impractical, which is actually being fixed at 570 00:22:07.079 --> 00:22:07.380 the moment. 571 00:22:07.390 --> 00:22:08.190 We have a tuk-tuk. 572 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:13.839 Well, a motor one or a bicycle one? 573 00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:16.380 It's a motor, yeah, so it's electric. 574 00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:18.319 But yeah, it's basically got like, it's like a trike. 575 00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:21.099 So you've got like a motorbike type bit of the fun, 576 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:23.039 like a scooter. And then you can fit three in 577 00:22:23.059 --> 00:22:25.279 the back. So that's good for the primary school and 578 00:22:25.299 --> 00:22:26.259 the nursery drop-off. 579 00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:30.119 What speed does that go? What's it look like? I'm 580 00:22:30.140 --> 00:22:32.140 trying to get, so is it, what's. 581 00:22:31.779 --> 00:22:32.420 The name of it? 582 00:22:32.539 --> 00:22:35.549 It's the same colours as the Mumbai tuk-tuk, so it's 583 00:22:35.589 --> 00:22:36.240 yellow and black. 584 00:22:36.829 --> 00:22:38.349 Yellow and black, so you get three in the back. 585 00:22:38.470 --> 00:22:38.910 Oh, wow. 586 00:22:38.930 --> 00:22:41.549 Is that cool? Do you know what it's called? So 587 00:22:41.589 --> 00:22:42.210 I can see it. 588 00:22:42.930 --> 00:22:46.950 If you Google Mumbai tuk-tuk, it. 589 00:22:46.970 --> 00:22:48.069 Should come up. 590 00:22:48.190 --> 00:22:48.890 Oh, wow. 591 00:22:48.910 --> 00:22:50.349 Did you get it imported? 592 00:22:50.650 --> 00:22:52.700 Yeah, so there's, well, basically Richard and I went to 593 00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:55.420 Delhi and, It must be. 594 00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:59.240 About four years ago now for a Save the Children trip, actually. 595 00:22:59.480 --> 00:23:02.279 And we traveled around a lot in these tuk-tuks. And 596 00:23:02.319 --> 00:23:04.380 as a sort of joke, he said, oh, these would 597 00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:04.900 be quite good. 598 00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:05.519 For the school run. 599 00:23:05.539 --> 00:23:07.509 And then when I got back to the hotel, I 600 00:23:07.549 --> 00:23:09.609 realized that there was tuk-tuk.co.uk. 601 00:23:10.630 --> 00:23:12.769 This guy that imports them. 602 00:23:12.849 --> 00:23:15.029 He's in Chester and he imports them. 603 00:23:15.490 --> 00:23:16.750 I was hoping you were going to say that you'd 604 00:23:16.789 --> 00:23:19.329 driven one back from India. That would have been the 605

00:23:19.410 --> 00:23:20.450 ultimate story. 606 00:23:20.809 --> 00:23:22.289 My postman asked me if it was the one from 607 00:23:22.309 --> 00:23:24.119 the Groovejet video, which I thought was really fun. 20 608 00:23:24.119 --> 00:23:28.660 years later, trying to find a tuk-tuk from a video 609 00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:29.279 I once did. 610 00:23:30.059 --> 00:23:30.440 Wow. 611 00:23:30.940 --> 00:23:32.680 And then because it's classed as a trike, you can 612 00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:35.400 actually park in any residence bay without any ticket. 613 00:23:36.180 --> 00:23:37.099 Oh, my God. 614 00:23:37.319 --> 00:23:37.670 I love it. 615 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:38.880 She's got round it. 616 00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:39.680 This is amazing. 617 00:23:39.700 --> 00:23:41.809 It's like when Noel Edmonds used to drive a taxi, 618 00:23:42.109 --> 00:23:44.690 a black cab through Bristol, but have a mannequin in 619 00:23:44.730 --> 00:23:46.269 her back to look like a passenger, so he could 620 00:23:46.289 --> 00:23:47.029 go in the bus lanes. 621 00:23:47.410 --> 00:23:48.269 Yeah, yeah, he could go in the bus lanes. 622 00:23:48.289 --> 00:23:49.349 Please tell me it's not like that. 623 00:23:49.849 --> 00:23:50.029 OK, bye. 624 00:23:56.180 --> 00:23:57.880 And you've been on holiday with him, haven't you? 625 00:23:58.240 --> 00:23:58.839 Yeah, we have. 626 00:23:58.900 --> 00:24:01.069 Yeah, we went to Tenerife a couple of weeks ago. 627 00:24:01.349 --> 00:24:03.690 That was good. He's at an age where you can 628 00:24:03.710 --> 00:24:05.890 just park him in the sun. Not in the sun. 629 00:24:05.970 --> 00:24:07.349 That's the opposite of what you do. 630 00:24:08.670 --> 00:24:11.079 I wonder if he's not sleeping, poor little red bastard. 631 00:24:11.420 --> 00:24:12.079 Burnt arms. 632 00:24:12.500 --> 00:24:14.359 Just stick him in the shade and you can. 633 00:24:14.380 --> 00:24:16.819 I mean, I got through three books, which tells you 634 00:24:16.839 --> 00:24:18.380 how much pain I was doing. 635 00:24:18.420 --> 00:24:20.039 Honestly, me and Lou did that. 636 00:24:20.059 --> 00:24:22.279 We went to Copenhagen with a six-month-old and it was 637 00:24:22.319 --> 00:24:23.880 brilliant because they're just in the buggy. 638 00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:25.039 They can't walk. 639 00:24:25.220 --> 00:24:26.880 You just push them around and then you sit in 640 00:24:26.900 --> 00:24:28.940 the sun, sit on the beach, sit by the pool, 641 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:31.579 and they're happy in the buggy, being fed and sleeping. 642 00:24:31.859 --> 00:24:33.099 Yeah, it's great. 643 00:24:33.579 --> 00:24:35.619 So it's a good time to go, I'd say, six months. 644 00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:36.420 Three books! 645 00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:39.819 And you kind of, when you've got a young baby, 646 00:24:39.839 --> 00:24:43.130 people let you in front of them in the queues. 647 00:24:43.650 --> 00:24:45.910 And I'm all up for exploiting that as much as possible. 648 00:24:45.930 --> 00:24:48.130 Do you know what I mean? It's a good age to. 649 00:24:48.150 --> 00:24:48.789 Go away with them. 650 00:24:49.109 --> 00:24:50.890 Yeah, and what I would say is, though, Josh, you 651 00:24:50.910 --> 00:24:52.769 probably won't be able to enjoy a holiday until they're 652 00:24:52.809 --> 00:24:53.650 four now. 653 00:24:54.130 --> 00:24:54.819 So you've had that. 654 00:24:54.910 --> 00:24:57.079 But just remember that next time you try and go away, 655 00:24:57.359 --> 00:24:59.259 that four years of age is probably the next point 656 00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:00.200 that you'll be able to enjoy it. 657 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:01.940 But I don't want to bring you down anymore. 658 00:25:02.059 --> 00:25:02.920 No. 659 00:25:03.319 --> 00:25:06.900 Surely something bad happened on the holiday, didn't it? Come on, 660 00:25:07.559 --> 00:25:08.200 tell me this. 661 00:25:08.220 --> 00:25:12.200 Because I was enjoying, you know, your bad sleep. But now, 662 00:25:12.339 --> 00:25:15.710 after quite an intense holiday, I'm feeling like I don't 663 00:25:15.730 --> 00:25:16.910 need this thrown in my face. 664 00:25:17.690 --> 00:25:21.390 No, it's all good. You know what gets me? I 665 00:25:21.930 --> 00:25:27.180 hate carrying stuff. I hate holding things. When you've got 666 00:25:27.220 --> 00:25:29.230 a baby, you're constantly.... 667 00:25:29.829 --> 00:25:32.309 You've constantly got your hands full. 668 00:25:32.390 --> 00:25:34.569 And I struggle with that a little bit, which is 669 00:25:34.589 --> 00:25:35.069 such a. 670 00:25:35.410 --> 00:25:37.089 Are you normally just a phone and wallet and keys 671 00:25:37.109 --> 00:25:37.769 guy out the door? 672 00:25:37.809 --> 00:25:38.819 Yeah, totally. 673 00:25:38.950 --> 00:25:39.259 That's it. 674 00:25:39.380 --> 00:25:41.240 I never used to have a school bag. I didn't 675 00:25:41.259 --> 00:25:42.059 take a bag to school. 676 00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:43.480 You didn't take a bag to school? 677 00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.819 I used to put my books in other people's bags. 678 00:25:46.059 --> 00:25:49.019 That's why you're so quick at reading. Fuck carrying them, eh? Yeah. 679 00:25:49.059 --> 00:25:52.920 I was just, yeah, taking real liberties, actually. But just 680 00:25:53.009 --> 00:25:54.470 kind of, I don't want to carry stuff. 681 00:25:54.609 --> 00:25:55.930 So wait, you didn't have a school bag? 682 00:25:55.950 --> 00:25:56.250 You just. 683 00:25:57.190 --> 00:25:59.970 deposit your books in other people's bags who aren't going 684 00:25:59.990 --> 00:26:00.730 to be in that list yeah I. 685 00:26:00.690 --> 00:26:03.269 Used to have a pen in my pocket yeah the 686 00:26:03.289 --> 00:26:05.089 odd booklet I'd just roll up and put in my 687 00:26:05.130 --> 00:26:07.319 pocket but then most of them would just be in 688 00:26:07.670 --> 00:26:09.140 other people's bags and just give them to me when 689 00:26:09.160 --> 00:26:09.539 we

get in. 690 00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:12.440 There what was your issue with school bags? 691 00:26:13.549 --> 00:26:15.529 Just didn't want to carry anything, Josh. You didn't want to. 692 00:26:15.690 --> 00:26:18.670 But Josh loved a fucking bag, didn't you? Little protractor 693 00:26:18.690 --> 00:26:20.549 in there. Not even got maths that day. 694 00:26:20.589 --> 00:26:22.359 Yeah, I had a bag with a file of facts in. 695 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.099 Fuck it, why not? Let's enjoy ourselves. 696 00:26:24.539 --> 00:26:26.240 Well, then pull along ones on there. 697 00:26:26.539 --> 00:26:27.319 Come the apprentice. 698 00:26:28.119 --> 00:26:33.980 Little wheelie laptop case. But there was nothing bad happened 699 00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:35.319 on the holiday at all, Josh. It was all fine. 700 00:26:35.339 --> 00:26:38.180 The flight, okay. Four-hour flight, it's hard work, Tenerife. 701 00:26:38.660 --> 00:26:40.660 Yeah, I underestimated the flight. 702 00:26:40.680 --> 00:26:41.869 It was okay. 703 00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:46.609 We were delayed on the way back. He didn't poo. Actually, 704 00:26:46.630 --> 00:26:48.250 this was a problem. He didn't poo for a week 705 00:26:48.329 --> 00:26:49.029 leading up to it. 706 00:26:49.250 --> 00:26:49.609 Oh, no. 707 00:26:49.690 --> 00:26:51.970 This was a flight. Yeah, I don't think he was 708 00:26:51.990 --> 00:26:52.730 nervous about the flight. 709 00:26:52.779 --> 00:26:54.099 I think it was a coincidental thing. 710 00:26:54.140 --> 00:26:54.779 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 711 00:26:55.559 --> 00:26:58.099 And then we got on the outbound flight and he 712 00:26:58.140 --> 00:26:59.059 just loosened right up. 713 00:26:59.559 --> 00:27:00.160 Oh, really? 714 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:01.609 Yeah, and he was. 715 00:27:01.630 --> 00:27:02.640 A massive, awful one. 716 00:27:02.650 --> 00:27:03.910 Yeah, he was cutting loose. 717 00:27:04.990 --> 00:27:07.630 I think that's a good thing, though, because I found 718 00:27:08.150 --> 00:27:13.460 when I was taking my son to Greece, that taking 719 00:27:13.480 --> 00:27:14.380 them to change them. 720 00:27:14.809 --> 00:27:16.460 gave me something to do with him on the flight. 721 00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:18.809 Do you know what I mean? Because you're desperate for activities. 722 00:27:19.069 --> 00:27:20.430 Yeah, totally. 723 00:27:20.450 --> 00:27:23.680 That is a low moment in your life, isn't it, 724 00:27:23.690 --> 00:27:24.670 when you're considering. 725 00:27:24.690 --> 00:27:27.089 I mean, I'm a man that's got kids. 726 00:27:27.430 --> 00:27:31.130 A childless person listening to this must think you're fucking insane. 727 00:27:31.630 --> 00:27:35.089 Isn't it good when the little gremlin you're holding shits 728 00:27:35.150 --> 00:27:38.589 itself because clearing its shit out of its arse on 729 00:27:38.670 --> 00:27:40.910 a plane gives me something to do? 730 00:27:41.490 --> 00:27:43.289 And that's under the banner of activities. 731 00:27:43.309 --> 00:27:47.660 LAUGHTER I wouldn't want to be able to stag do 732 00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:50.890 your leading, Josh. OK, so we go to the local 733 00:27:51.150 --> 00:27:52.990 old people's home and wipe some arses for an hour, 734 00:27:53.490 --> 00:27:55.329 and then off we go for a drink. 735 00:27:55.349 --> 00:27:57.349 It doesn't need to be the old people's home, Rob. 736 00:27:57.829 --> 00:27:59.809 That's made the whole thing too graphic. 737 00:27:59.910 --> 00:28:02.039 Well, I suppose it's better than going to random children's 738 00:28:02.059 --> 00:28:02.819 and wiping their arses. 739 00:28:02.859 --> 00:28:04.099 Yeah, I suppose it is. 740 00:28:04.259 --> 00:28:04.819 I suppose. 741 00:28:05.240 --> 00:28:11.240 Also, the changing table in the plane is so small... 742 00:28:11.660 --> 00:28:16.750 It's incredibly difficult as well. It's an untenable situation, but 743 00:28:17.069 --> 00:28:19.930 I enjoyed the challenge. It's five minutes when they're shouting 744 00:28:19.970 --> 00:28:24.009 at you and you can't see people pissed off because 745 00:28:24.029 --> 00:28:24.769 you're on your own. 746 00:28:25.009 --> 00:28:27.410 Yeah, you're kind of like a Mr and Mrs kind 747 00:28:27.470 --> 00:28:30.140 of like soundproof. 748 00:28:30.299 --> 00:28:30.819 Exactly. 749 00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:32.960 I get a bit worried though that there's going to 750 00:28:32.980 --> 00:28:34.940 be turbulence at the point where I'm not holding the 751 00:28:34.980 --> 00:28:37.220 baby and the baby fucking launches in the air and 752 00:28:37.240 --> 00:28:39.019 you have to try and catch it like a falling 753 00:28:39.059 --> 00:28:39.680 from a building. 754 00:28:39.700 --> 00:28:39.859 Yeah. 755 00:28:42.049 --> 00:28:44.410 How's the relationship not I mean not to go too 756 00:28:44.450 --> 00:28:47.309 deep but has it affected your relationship with your wife 757 00:28:47.369 --> 00:28:50.170 like because you're both very tired how are you dealing. 758 00:28:50.230 --> 00:28:54.019 With it we're good I think what what. 759 00:28:54.200 --> 00:28:57.700 What the struggle is is kind of he'll really be 760 00:28:57.740 --> 00:28:59.640 into her for a bit and then she really then 761 00:28:59.660 --> 00:29:01.319 he'll really be into me for a bit and it's 762 00:29:01.339 --> 00:29:03.980 about the other one dealing with with that a little 763 00:29:04.099 --> 00:29:05.880 bit do you know what I mean when he only 764 00:29:05.960 --> 00:29:08.210 like it's quite I'm actually quite relieved when he only 765 00:29:08.250 --> 00:29:09.730 wants loosen. 766 00:29:09.470 --> 00:29:11.910 The I'm going, oh, yeah. 767 00:29:11.950 --> 00:29:13.390 It's only you who can settle him today, so I 768 00:29:13.430 --> 00:29:14.299 can't really get involved. 769 00:29:14.710 --> 00:29:18.200 Yeah, oh, yeah, there's nothing better than that, is there? 770 00:29:18.420 --> 00:29:20.539 And they'll get to the age, I know this is bad, 771

00:29:21.059 --> 00:29:23.900 where they'll wake up in the night and they'll call 772 00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:26.779 for one of you. When it's not you, you have 773 00:29:26.799 --> 00:29:29.180 to just go, that's not, I'm sorry about this, but 774 00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:30.480 it's really, it's. 775 00:29:30.380 --> 00:29:32.349 Not my priority. If I go in, if anything, it'll 776 00:29:32.369 --> 00:29:33.210 make things worse. 777 00:29:33.470 --> 00:29:33.690 Yeah. 778 00:29:33.730 --> 00:29:35.410 And is she due to go back to work, Josh, 779 00:29:35.470 --> 00:29:37.809 or is she off now, or is she on maternity? 780 00:29:38.170 --> 00:29:39.970 So she works in a school, she's in a teaching school, 781 00:29:40.170 --> 00:29:41.529 She's going back in December. 782 00:29:41.910 --> 00:29:42.349 Right. 783 00:29:42.410 --> 00:29:45.430 You can't imagine going back to work as he is now. 784 00:29:45.619 --> 00:29:48.079 But obviously, he'll be another six months older. 785 00:29:48.130 --> 00:29:48.859 Yeah. 786 00:29:49.150 --> 00:29:50.400 You can't really imagine. 787 00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:51.660 What it'd be. 788 00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:54.519 And that'll be a different challenge. So I had to 789 00:29:54.539 --> 00:29:55.759 go to Hendoo the other week. 790 00:29:56.750 --> 00:29:57.150 You won't? 791 00:29:57.210 --> 00:29:57.430 Sorry? 792 00:29:57.569 --> 00:30:00.849 Because he's breastfed, right? 793 00:30:01.029 --> 00:30:02.589 He won't drink out of a bottle yet. 794 00:30:02.650 --> 00:30:02.849 Yeah. 795 00:30:03.430 --> 00:30:05.029 So she went on this hen do. I had to 796 00:30:05.069 --> 00:30:09.670 go kind of adjacent to the hen do. You know 797 00:30:09.710 --> 00:30:12.470 when somebody swims the channel and have that support boat 798 00:30:12.509 --> 00:30:12.990 next to them? 799 00:30:13.319 --> 00:30:13.599 Yeah. 800 00:30:14.319 --> 00:30:16.400 I was kind of one cafe behind where this hen 801 00:30:16.440 --> 00:30:20.500 do would go in. And she kept having to nip back. 802 00:30:20.599 --> 00:30:22.099 So did she nip to you or did you go 803 00:30:22.140 --> 00:30:22.480 to the hen? 804 00:30:24.329 --> 00:30:26.910 So I went in once during the brunch and I thought, 805 00:30:26.950 --> 00:30:29.269 this is too much. Excuse me, getting. 806 00:30:29.130 --> 00:30:30.789 Out of the way of inflatable cocks. Can we have 807 00:30:30.809 --> 00:30:32.890 a bit of milk for this one, please? But wasn't 808 00:30:32.930 --> 00:30:34.230 the buff out of the way, lads? I'm trying to 809 00:30:34.690 --> 00:30:36.369 get through it. Was you tempted to put a little 810 00:30:36.430 --> 00:30:37.519 cock straw on her nipple? 811 00:30:37.630 --> 00:30:40.900 So that was. 812 00:30:40.619 --> 00:30:41.559 His first hang. 813 00:30:41.579 --> 00:30:43.299 Is that too laddy? Was that too much? I didn't 814 00:30:43.319 --> 00:30:44.019 know what the line is. 815 00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:45.240 I think that's right. 816 00:30:49.410 --> 00:30:52.170 So how do you split the childcare then? Because you're 817 00:30:52.190 --> 00:30:54.549 a full-time comic as well. What was you doing before comedy? 818 00:30:54.589 --> 00:30:55.309 Was you working? 819 00:30:55.329 --> 00:30:56.470 I was a teacher. 820 00:30:56.490 --> 00:30:57.400 A teacher? 821 00:30:57.420 --> 00:30:59.960 Yeah, I was terrible at that. And then I had 822 00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:01.519 kids and I was terrible at that. And now I 823 00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:04.119 do comedy and just slag them all off. 824 00:31:04.180 --> 00:31:05.119 And that's my therapy. 825 00:31:06.380 --> 00:31:07.349 So that's that, guys. 826 00:31:07.509 --> 00:31:10.470 You said to us that you've been doing stand-up for 827 00:31:10.509 --> 00:31:15.369 five years. So you started doing stand-up with a one-year-old 828 00:31:15.490 --> 00:31:16.430 and a three-year-old. 829 00:31:17.309 --> 00:31:19.589 I had a five-month-old and a two-year-old. 830 00:31:19.710 --> 00:31:23.509 Whoa! If nothing screams cry for help more. 831 00:31:26.980 --> 00:31:28.839 And I kept it a secret from my family. 832 00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:29.380 Did you? 833 00:31:29.400 --> 00:31:29.519 Really? 834 00:31:30.420 --> 00:31:32.599 So what do they think you're doing? 835 00:31:32.940 --> 00:31:33.200 I know. 836 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.569 My husband was like, are you having an affair? And 837 00:31:35.789 --> 00:31:37.430 I was like, I've been doing stand-up comedy. 838 00:31:37.470 --> 00:31:39.269 And he was like, are you sure you don't want 839 00:31:39.289 --> 00:31:41.690 to just go and have an affair instead? 840 00:31:41.849 --> 00:31:42.710 No. 841 00:31:43.289 --> 00:31:46.019 So how did you do that? Talk us through that transition. 842 00:31:46.359 --> 00:31:49.099 So five minutes of open spots is basically an affair, 843 00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:49.769 isn't it? 844 00:31:52.619 --> 00:31:56.099 I mean, you do feel really dirty and humiliated and 845 00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:58.180 you wake up with the, you do the walk of 846 00:31:58.259 --> 00:32:02.440 shame on the way home. Now that I'm getting to 847 00:32:02.460 --> 00:32:07.130 know comedians that have children, I absolutely relish every time 848 00:32:07.170 --> 00:32:09.130 they're like, how did you do it, Esther? 849 00:32:09.170 --> 00:32:10.390 Like, how did you do it? 850 00:32:10.529 --> 00:32:12.190 So was you teaching full time as well? 851 00:32:12.509 --> 00:32:14.910 No, I was, I was on maternity leave. I went 852 00:32:14.970 --> 00:32:17.890 back to teaching. So I was teaching, had two kids. 853 00:32:19.180 --> 00:32:21.599 Babies and i was doing but you know what it's 854 00:32:21.640 --> 00:32:23.799 like you're doing the open mic so you can't just 855 00:32:23.839 --> 00:32:25.339 turn up and do your spot and leave you've got 856 00:32:25.359 --> 00:32:27.200 to stay the whole time you've got to bring a 857 00:32:27.220 --> 00:32:29.829 friend oh my god so i was getting home

at 858 00:32:29.869 --> 00:32:32.130 like one in the morning and then i was up 859 00:32:32.289 --> 00:32:36.009 you know still breastfeeding god knows what jesus those first 860 00:32:36.250 --> 00:32:38.779 secret gigs how are you doing that like what what 861 00:32:38.799 --> 00:32:41.059 was your cover story i used to say that i 862 00:32:41.059 --> 00:32:43.759 was meeting my friend in town for coffee at night 863 00:32:44.119 --> 00:32:49.400 at night I eventually told my husband, but we kept 864 00:32:49.440 --> 00:32:51.420 it a secret from the rest of the family because 865 00:32:51.460 --> 00:32:55.009 it would not be approved. My mother-in-law was like, mothers 866 00:32:55.049 --> 00:32:57.950 don't do this. No, no husband would put up with this. 867 00:32:57.970 --> 00:33:03.970 Stop it. So how long was it a secret from 868 00:33:03.990 --> 00:33:06.109 your husband? No, I kept it a secret from my 869 00:33:06.150 --> 00:33:07.589 husband for about three weeks. 870 00:33:07.730 --> 00:33:09.910 Yeah, you can't keep that up for longer. 871 00:33:10.390 --> 00:33:10.650 No. 872 00:33:10.730 --> 00:33:13.269 I just said it was a course I was doing. 873 00:33:13.289 --> 00:33:15.369 I said, I'm doing a writing course just to engage 874 00:33:15.410 --> 00:33:16.950 me mentally. And he was like, okay. 875 00:33:17.230 --> 00:33:17.470 Yeah. 876 00:33:17.829 --> 00:33:19.410 And then he was like, sorry, what are you doing? 877 00:33:19.630 --> 00:33:21.910 And then I was like, oh, I'm just doing this course. 878 00:33:22.359 --> 00:33:25.339 But basically you're hanging around in pubs waiting to do stand-up. 879 00:33:25.380 --> 00:33:27.339 No, like a freak. 880 00:33:27.759 --> 00:33:29.240 And then the first time I went on stage, I 881 00:33:29.279 --> 00:33:31.880 came off and threw up. And I just didn't stop 882 00:33:31.920 --> 00:33:34.039 throwing up. I threw up all the way home. And 883 00:33:34.059 --> 00:33:37.269 he was like, I don't understand what's going on with you. 884 00:33:37.289 --> 00:33:41.789 No, stop it. When I say it out loud, I'm like, 885 00:33:42.029 --> 00:33:44.170 oh my God. So you just, when you got home, 886 00:33:44.190 --> 00:33:46.130 you was being sick as well? I literally threw up 887 00:33:46.150 --> 00:33:48.269 about three times on the way home. Just the adrenaline. 888 00:33:48.289 --> 00:33:48.670 Oh, wow. 889 00:33:48.690 --> 00:33:50.299 Because I'd never done it before. 890 00:33:50.460 --> 00:33:51.960 How had it gone? Had it gone well? 891 00:33:52.180 --> 00:33:53.079 Yeah, thank God. 892 00:33:53.519 --> 00:33:56.500 Imagine what you'd have done if you went bad. Just 893 00:33:56.559 --> 00:33:57.779 shat myself all the way home. 894 00:33:58.500 --> 00:34:00.420 But it happened to me once i did a tv 895 00:34:00.440 --> 00:34:02.809 warm-up that was so stressful they took me out of 896 00:34:02.869 --> 00:34:04.990 car home but i was so worked up and stressed 897 00:34:05.029 --> 00:34:07.490 and adrenaline i felt really sick so and i was 898 00:34:07.549 --> 00:34:09.349 a big traffic jam so i said and i it 899 00:34:09.369 --> 00:34:11.070 was like 20 minute walk to my house went to 900 00:34:11.090 --> 00:34:12.989 the cab driver and i'll just get out and walk 901 00:34:13.090 --> 00:34:14.329 you know all right so i've got out and walked 902 00:34:14.369 --> 00:34:16.010 i really need to be sick and then i walked 903 00:34:16.070 --> 00:34:17.469 up to this skip and so i've been sick in 904 00:34:17.489 --> 00:34:20.320 the skip but because where the traffic was moving slowly 905 00:34:20.340 --> 00:34:23.219 the cab driver pulled up alongside me you're right i 906 00:34:23.219 --> 00:34:27.670 went yeah She's been sick in a skit. It's not 907 00:34:27.690 --> 00:34:30.369 good for your body, is it? Open mics, Esther. And 908 00:34:30.389 --> 00:34:32.969 you've just had a baby only five months earlier. And 909 00:34:32.989 --> 00:34:34.650 you've been sick in a pub toilet. 910 00:34:34.909 --> 00:34:35.630 Literally, yeah, I know. 911 00:34:35.650 --> 00:34:39.130 I'm just there vomiting. Vagina between my knees. Just like, 912 00:34:39.190 --> 00:34:41.869 what am I doing? What am I doing? 913 00:34:43.159 --> 00:34:43.980 Honestly. 914 00:34:44.199 --> 00:34:44.579 I don't know. 915 00:34:44.619 --> 00:34:46.829 Yeah, I don't know what possessed me. But I'm glad 916 00:34:46.869 --> 00:34:49.469 I did it. When did you leave your job, full-time job? 917 00:34:49.530 --> 00:34:52.300 Just before the pandemic. So that was really well-timed. I 918 00:34:52.360 --> 00:34:54.559 also had a lot of guilt about being a mum. 919 00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:55.079 Yeah. 920 00:34:55.360 --> 00:34:57.559 There was a huge amount of guilt because people. 921 00:34:57.320 --> 00:34:57.860 Were just like. 922 00:34:58.440 --> 00:35:00.710 what are you doing so I was determined that it 923 00:35:00.750 --> 00:35:03.670 wasn't going to impact them yeah so I would literally 924 00:35:03.690 --> 00:35:06.090 just have to be awake 24 hours like I was 925 00:35:06.130 --> 00:35:09.210 talking to um another comic about this and they were 926 00:35:09.230 --> 00:35:10.969 going but when did when did you write and I 927 00:35:11.010 --> 00:35:13.320 said what I do is I drop my little girl 928 00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:16.179 off at nursery and then I just walk my son 929 00:35:16.219 --> 00:35:18.000 in the push chair so that when he had his 930 00:35:18.079 --> 00:35:21.699 nap And I wouldn't write, I would record. So I'd 931 00:35:21.719 --> 00:35:25.050 just be walking around because if the buggy was being pushed, 932 00:35:25.090 --> 00:35:27.610 then he would sleep. And then I'd just record ideas 933 00:35:27.650 --> 00:35:29.289 for stand up and then re-record it and re-record it. 934 00:35:29.289 --> 00:35:31.130 And that's how I wrote because I couldn't sit down 935 00:35:31.170 --> 00:35:32.269 and write because obviously I had a baby.

936 00:35:32.289 --> 00:35:34.550 So I just used to, during his nap time, just 937 00:35:34.590 --> 00:35:34.989 walk him. 938 00:35:35.010 --> 00:35:35.809 Blimey. 939 00:35:36.010 --> 00:35:39.170 But in five years, to go from zero gigs to 940 00:35:39.250 --> 00:35:40.769 being on Live at the Apollo, which you've done and 941 00:35:40.789 --> 00:35:44.440 you smashed it, that is an impossible timeframe without the 942 00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:47.000 fact that you had a newborn baby and a toddler. 943 00:35:47.019 --> 00:35:47.099 Yeah. 944 00:35:48.630 --> 00:35:49.730 It's incredible. 945 00:35:50.030 --> 00:35:51.110 Did you take the kids with you? 946 00:35:51.130 --> 00:35:53.210 I had to take them to Edinburgh. Honestly, there were 947 00:35:53.250 --> 00:35:54.409 people that didn't know I had children. 948 00:35:54.429 --> 00:35:56.449 I remember I was doing my first Edinburgh and I 949 00:35:56.449 --> 00:36:00.110 was walking around with a double buggy in Edinburgh with 950 00:36:00.170 --> 00:36:00.789 a double. 951 00:36:00.570 --> 00:36:01.679 Buggy and I'm just like. 952 00:36:01.550 --> 00:36:03.739 Walking up the Royal Mall and Cindy V just walked 953 00:36:03.800 --> 00:36:06.420 out of a cafe and just went, whose babies are those? 954 00:36:06.440 --> 00:36:08.019 And I was like, they're mine. And she was like, 955 00:36:08.199 --> 00:36:11.039 what do you mean? Like, what do you mean you've 956 00:36:11.079 --> 00:36:11.519 got babies? 957 00:36:11.539 --> 00:36:12.440 What are you doing? 958 00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:14.840 Whose babies are those? 959 00:36:18.630 --> 00:36:22.070 Did you find having dogs before a kid helped? Because 960 00:36:22.090 --> 00:36:23.510 they are like a little baby. They're not as difficult 961 00:36:23.530 --> 00:36:26.130 as a baby, long-term, obviously. But it's the same kind 962 00:36:26.159 --> 00:36:28.219 of commitment. Did you find it helped or not? 963 00:36:28.739 --> 00:36:31.840 Yeah, I find the dogs harder to work than I 964 00:36:31.880 --> 00:36:32.460 do refitting. 965 00:36:32.480 --> 00:36:32.940 Oh, fuck. 966 00:36:33.380 --> 00:36:33.619 Yes. 967 00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:34.760 Do you know what, Martine? 968 00:36:35.219 --> 00:36:37.550 That is the best thing anyone's ever said, because Rob 969 00:36:37.590 --> 00:36:38.389 has just got a dog. 970 00:36:38.449 --> 00:36:39.250 Yeah, it's true. 971 00:36:39.789 --> 00:36:42.329 And he said the words there. I know it gets easier, 972 00:36:42.389 --> 00:36:44.110 because I can hear him trying to convince himself. 973 00:36:44.130 --> 00:36:44.670 Shut up, John. 974 00:36:44.710 --> 00:36:47.469 We all heard him doing it, and you've just totally over. 975 00:36:47.570 --> 00:36:49.690 It's actually more difficult than a child, mate. 976 00:36:50.369 --> 00:36:52.969 They never really grow up beyond a certain point. 977 00:36:52.989 --> 00:36:53.239 Yeah. 978 00:36:53.699 --> 00:36:54.719 OK. Yeah, so. 979 00:36:54.860 --> 00:36:56.309

It's a constant two-year-old, Rob. 980 00:36:56.320 --> 00:36:56.659 Fuck. 981 00:36:57.000 --> 00:36:57.219 Fuck. 982 00:36:57.300 --> 00:37:00.739 Anyway, OK, let's not talk about dogs anymore. So, what... 983 00:37:00.239 --> 00:37:02.619 Does Rafferty play any sports? How's the berth? 984 00:37:04.809 --> 00:37:08.530 Play in the sport what a question I just can't 985 00:37:08.550 --> 00:37:09.989 talk about dogs anymore. 986 00:37:09.650 --> 00:37:12.309 Josh I'm enjoying the dog though to be fair I'm 987 00:37:12.329 --> 00:37:13.190 enjoying the dog the. 988 00:37:13.150 --> 00:37:17.150 Bath was amazing the bath was amazing was it good. 989 00:37:19.170 --> 00:37:22.429 Yeah, I had the Eagles playing, not live. 990 00:37:22.909 --> 00:37:27.630 I'm going, wow, that is a real expensive labour, having 991 00:37:27.650 --> 00:37:29.909 the Eagles playing live in concert. 992 00:37:29.949 --> 00:37:33.099 I had a C-section, and take it easy, I had 993 00:37:33.139 --> 00:37:33.840 a playlist. 994 00:37:33.900 --> 00:37:34.219 Yeah, yeah. 995 00:37:34.360 --> 00:37:36.139 And I put that on in the background. 996 00:37:36.900 --> 00:37:40.800 And I just felt like, with the drugs and everything 997 00:37:40.840 --> 00:37:42.619 that they gave me, because I had low blood pressure 998 00:37:42.679 --> 00:37:43.159 at one point. 999 00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:43.659 Oh, no. 1000 00:37:44.300 --> 00:37:45.719 I was in this sort of. 1001 00:37:46.699 --> 00:37:51.000 white room very sort of abfabby yeah and then baby 1002 00:37:51.039 --> 00:37:56.000 delivered to me going tickety oh that is perfect. 1003 00:37:55.429 --> 00:37:57.409 This sounds amazing. 1004 00:37:56.909 --> 00:38:00.989 And I was like ah this is fabulous yeah so 1005 00:38:01.030 --> 00:38:03.170 it was a great birth great birth I. 1006 00:38:03.170 --> 00:38:05.090 Was very lucky that's good and what how do you 1007 00:38:05.110 --> 00:38:06.710 feel if you hear that song now does that take 1008 00:38:06.750 --> 00:38:08.409 you back to being drugged up in a white room 1009 00:38:08.789 --> 00:38:10.230 with a baby I do it. 1010 00:38:10.150 --> 00:38:15.000 All the time it's your happy place it was. 1011 00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:20.380 Really um a special moment I really felt like even 1012 00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:22.159 afterwards when the drugs had gone off. 1013 00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:27.619 There's something when people say you know you go yeah 1014 00:38:27.659 --> 00:38:28.519 yeah yeah. 1015 00:38:28.440 --> 00:38:30.900 There's something about when you hold that baby and you 1016 00:38:30.940 --> 00:38:33.340 look at them for the first time and just something 1017 00:38:33.400 --> 00:38:37.760 otherworldly happens and thank god that you have that moment 1018 00:38:37.780 --> 00:38:40.829 to cling on to at times because then When they're 1019 00:38:40.869 --> 00:38:43.760 star-shaped in your bed and you're sleep-deprived and you feel 1020 00:38:43.780 --> 00:38:44.750 like a crazy. 1021 00:38:44.530 --> 00:38:47.480 Woman, you have to hang on to that moment. 1022 00:38:47.519 --> 00:38:49.400 I don't know if it's all men, but I felt 1023 00:38:49.500 --> 00:38:52.019 nothing apart from, fucking hell, what am I going to 1024 00:38:52.059 --> 00:38:52.460 do with this? 1025 00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:54.420 Yeah, no, I know what you mean, Rob. I felt 1026 00:38:54.440 --> 00:38:56.500 a lot of pressure to feel something that I wasn't feeling. 1027 00:38:56.519 --> 00:38:58.159 Do you know what I mean? I felt like someone 1028 00:38:58.179 --> 00:39:00.739 had given me a live octopus on the beach. 1029 00:39:00.980 --> 00:39:02.500 I'm like, what the fuck? And I felt like I'd 1030 00:39:02.519 --> 00:39:04.019 just launch it back in the sea, which, you know, 1031 00:39:04.039 --> 00:39:06.480 you can't throw a baby back in, can you? So 1032 00:39:06.539 --> 00:39:08.099 I didn't know what to do. I didn't have that 1033 00:39:08.159 --> 00:39:10.539 magic moment, Martine. Maybe I needed more drugs. I love 1034 00:39:10.559 --> 00:39:13.900 them now, obviously, but I didn't have that amazing... Over 1035 00:39:13.920 --> 00:39:15.679 the next few days, I did. No, I think a 1036 00:39:15.699 --> 00:39:17.619 lot of people don't have that moment. I think it 1037 00:39:17.699 --> 00:39:20.610 takes a while, like that kind of... I suppose because 1038 00:39:20.630 --> 00:39:23.150 the first one we had was like an emergency C-section. 1039 00:39:23.170 --> 00:39:24.460 You didn't really have that. No. 1040 00:39:24.469 --> 00:39:27.030 Because it was so stressful. You didn't have that moment 1041 00:39:27.130 --> 00:39:30.579 of like, oh, this is amazing. You were like... oh, 1042 00:39:30.659 --> 00:39:31.300 thank God. 1043 00:39:31.909 --> 00:39:32.489 It's all right. 1044 00:39:32.719 --> 00:39:37.289 They're not both dead, basically, if I'm honest. And that's 1045 00:39:37.309 --> 00:39:39.730 not a great feeling, is it? That's what I want 1046 00:39:39.750 --> 00:39:41.750 to feel all the time as a base level. Thank 1047 00:39:41.769 --> 00:39:43.070 God they're not dead. Not to put too fine a 1048 00:39:43.090 --> 00:39:45.050 point on it. Thank God they're not both dead. 1049 00:39:45.190 --> 00:39:45.929 Yeah, exactly. 1050 00:39:46.590 --> 00:39:49.309 And did you find it quite easy? Did you take 1051 00:39:49.329 --> 00:39:50.659 to it well? Or did you find it difficult at 1052 00:39:50.679 --> 00:39:52.500 the first stages of being a mum? 1053 00:39:53.019 --> 00:39:53.820 Or was it all right? 1054 00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:56.300 I think that you've probably heard this so much and 1055 00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:57.900 you've probably said it so much, but it's just the 1056 00:39:57.940 --> 00:39:58.599 lack of sleep. 1057 00:40:00.039 --> 00:40:03.219 All of a sudden, I'm somebody that needs my sleep. 1058 00:40:03.639 --> 00:40:03.900 Yeah. 1059 00:40:04.280 --> 00:40:08.420 And I just, I'm not a very nice, I'm not 1060

00:40:08.460 --> 00:40:10.590 a very nice person and I'm just not. 1061 00:40:11.179 --> 00:40:12.909 You're looking at Jack out the corner of your eye now. 1062 00:40:13.690 --> 00:40:19.010 LAUGHTER Is that true? Could you ask him what you're 1063 00:40:19.030 --> 00:40:21.750 like when you've had lack of sleep? I've had lack 1064 00:40:21.789 --> 00:40:22.210 of sleep. 1065 00:40:22.489 --> 00:40:24.429 You're delightful. You're delightful. 1066 00:40:25.130 --> 00:40:25.670 Oh, gutless. 1067 00:40:26.130 --> 00:40:28.230 I own it, I'm gutless. 1068 00:40:28.250 --> 00:40:30.610 Fair enough. 1069 00:40:30.650 --> 00:40:32.510 So how bad was the sleep, Martine? 1070 00:40:32.849 --> 00:40:35.429 Well, it was just, you know, it was just getting 1071 00:40:35.610 --> 00:40:40.329 up every couple of hours and, you know, your boobs 1072 00:40:40.409 --> 00:40:43.570 hurting and you feel deranged and you don't know what 1073 00:40:43.630 --> 00:40:45.889 time of the day it is and there's this baby that, 1074 00:40:46.469 --> 00:40:48.789 needs you and you're trying to be good and make 1075 00:40:48.809 --> 00:40:50.909 sure they're safe and panicking and you're in this fight 1076 00:40:50.949 --> 00:40:55.420 or flight mode the whole time. And it's hard because 1077 00:40:55.480 --> 00:40:58.679 there's not really much else. If you're breastfeeding, there's not 1078 00:40:58.699 --> 00:41:01.059 really much else that anyone else can do. You can 1079 00:41:01.079 --> 00:41:02.659 feel a bit alone and a bit on your own 1080 00:41:02.699 --> 00:41:05.730 with it. But I was quite lucky because I've. 1081 00:41:05.690 --> 00:41:09.409 Just remembered, I'm making myself out to be a real 1082 00:41:09.449 --> 00:41:11.170 hero here, but I. 1083 00:41:11.110 --> 00:41:16.590 Just remembered that after the C-section and the light moment, 1084 00:41:16.610 --> 00:41:20.010 the epiphany moment, Rafferty, as often a lot of children 1085 00:41:20.030 --> 00:41:22.219 with C-sections do, had fluid on the lung and he 1086 00:41:22.239 --> 00:41:25.349 was rushed off I didn't have him and they had 1087 00:41:25.409 --> 00:41:28.309 to give him formula. So he was breastfed and formula 1088 00:41:28.329 --> 00:41:31.889 from the word go. So occasionally when I couldn't do it, 1089 00:41:32.510 --> 00:41:36.250 I would nudge Jack and he would get those tiny 1090 00:41:36.289 --> 00:41:38.389 little bottles and he would give him one of those. 1091 00:41:38.949 --> 00:41:41.010 And I remember I've got a photo, I've got a 1092 00:41:41.030 --> 00:41:41.590 photo of him. 1093 00:41:41.869 --> 00:41:44.840 He's laying in bed, he's doing his emails, what he's 1094 00:41:44.880 --> 00:41:46.989 doing and the baby's there with its own bottle. 1095 00:41:47.500 --> 00:41:50.360 And I was just like, changes your life, how? And 1096 00:41:50.380 --> 00:41:51.920 he's just like that, getting on with everything. 1097 00:41:55.230 --> 00:41:59.969 And I was just like, how do you find this 1098 00:42:00.010 --> 00:42:00.449 so easy? 1099 00:42:00.469 --> 00:42:04.820 Well, yeah, I suppose it's easy. You know, I found it, obviously, 1100 00:42:05.219 --> 00:42:07.320 we did a lot of bottle feeding. We struggled with 1101 00:42:07.559 --> 00:42:09.639 breastfeeding at the start and stuff. But I do think 1102 00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:12.619 if you're a dad and the mum's doing all the breastfeeding, 1103 00:42:12.639 --> 00:42:15.599 there's no formula at all. You do have a bit 1104 00:42:15.619 --> 00:42:17.969 of an easier run at it, don't you? Because you 1105 00:42:18.010 --> 00:42:20.070 can't get up to help in the night with the 1106 00:42:20.090 --> 00:42:22.329 bottle feeding. So it's quite good that there's a little 1107 00:42:22.349 --> 00:42:24.510 bit of a sort of, i don't know sort of 1108 00:42:24.530 --> 00:42:26.969 judgment if a kid's on formula or whatever so the 1109 00:42:26.989 --> 00:42:28.789 fact it was quite nice i suppose if the hospital 1110 00:42:28.809 --> 00:42:30.969 had already done it anyway you can still be a 1111 00:42:30.989 --> 00:42:34.019 bit judgment free can't you i think as. 1112 00:42:33.960 --> 00:42:35.880 Well another nice thing about it took me a long 1113 00:42:35.920 --> 00:42:40.019 time to have repartee and it happened naturally um but 1114 00:42:40.440 --> 00:42:43.820 i've got like me and uh lyme disease my body 1115 00:42:43.880 --> 00:42:45.800 kind of fights off a lot of things so it 1116 00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:48.710 finds it hard to hold on to pregnancies oh wow. 1117 00:42:48.949 --> 00:42:52.409 Finally, finally, I had him naturally. 1118 00:42:52.429 --> 00:42:55.800 To this day, doctors don't know how we managed to 1119 00:42:56.179 --> 00:42:57.539 keep a successful pregnancy. 1120 00:42:57.659 --> 00:42:59.840 Is it very unlikely then, is it like the chance 1121 00:42:59.880 --> 00:43:02.679 is quite low with Lyme disease and your other conditions 1122 00:43:02.960 --> 00:43:04.639 to conceive then and keep the pregnancy? 1123 00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:10.739 Yeah, with my combination and my immune system, they kind 1124 00:43:10.780 --> 00:43:13.639 of explained it in very sort of simple childlike terms, 1125 00:43:13.659 --> 00:43:15.739 that all my little soldiers that need to fight to 1126 00:43:15.780 --> 00:43:18.710 keep my immune system working They can't do that and 1127 00:43:18.750 --> 00:43:19.820 keep the baby safe. 1128 00:43:20.539 --> 00:43:21.300 Oh, wow. 1129 00:43:23.159 --> 00:43:26.400 So it was such an amazing time when I finally 1130 00:43:26.420 --> 00:43:27.360 did manage to have him. 1131 00:43:27.389 --> 00:43:31.429 Of course, yeah. Did that make the pregnancy a really 1132 00:43:31.449 --> 00:43:32.349 stressful period? 1133 00:43:32.820 --> 00:43:37.280 Yeah, I mean, yeah, everyone was. Every pregnancy I had, 1134 00:43:37.300 --> 00:43:39.099 I never knew how it was going to end up. 1135 00:43:39.480 --> 00:43:41.820 But it was weird

because I just put my Instagram 1136 00:43:41.840 --> 00:43:44.639 last night that my dog Harry, who I just look 1137 00:43:44.679 --> 00:43:48.010 in his eyes and he's like this deep Tibetan soul 1138 00:43:48.070 --> 00:43:53.369 or something. The minute that I was pregnant with Rafferty, 1139 00:43:53.829 --> 00:43:56.030 it was almost like he knew this is the one. 1140 00:43:56.090 --> 00:43:57.590 This is the one that's going to stay safe. 1141 00:43:57.670 --> 00:44:00.329 And before I even knew I was pregnant, he started 1142 00:44:00.349 --> 00:44:03.050 getting on the bed, which he never does. And he 1143 00:44:03.090 --> 00:44:08.789 would gently rub his chin on my stomach. And then 1144 00:44:08.849 --> 00:44:12.070 I realized I was pregnant. Then I kept the pregnancy 1145 00:44:12.510 --> 00:44:14.320 for the first time in God knows how many times. 1146 00:44:15.070 --> 00:44:17.739 And through the end, like he was like my shadow. 1147 00:44:17.780 --> 00:44:18.880 He would lead the way. 1148 00:44:18.960 --> 00:44:19.800 He would bark at me. 1149 00:44:20.989 --> 00:44:23.170 He would let Jack know if I needed something. He'd 1150 00:44:23.210 --> 00:44:25.750 run down and bark and get him. He's just like 1151 00:44:25.809 --> 00:44:27.949 the most amazing. Dogs are just so amazing. 1152 00:44:27.969 --> 00:44:31.190 Dogs are good. Yes, dogs are good. Dogs are good. 1153 00:44:31.210 --> 00:44:32.590 Don't be funny. 1154 00:44:32.750 --> 00:44:34.250 I'm seeing what I'm round robbing way. 1155 00:44:34.630 --> 00:44:35.510 Thanks, Martin. 1156 00:44:38.510 --> 00:44:40.699 What is your setup at home? What is your... How 1157 00:44:40.719 --> 00:44:41.340 many kids have you got? 1158 00:44:41.739 --> 00:44:43.920 I've got three kids, yeah. Three girls. Yeah, I was 1159 00:44:43.960 --> 00:44:44.739 denied a son. 1160 00:44:45.420 --> 00:44:48.699 And heir, unfortunately. 1161 00:44:48.820 --> 00:44:49.260 And heir. 1162 00:44:50.809 --> 00:44:54.559 But so one is 23, one is 24. So we 1163 00:44:54.599 --> 00:44:55.880 had those very close together. 1164 00:44:55.980 --> 00:44:56.219 Yep. 1165 00:44:56.880 --> 00:44:59.750 And I said, no more children. That's it. 1166 00:44:59.760 --> 00:45:00.400 Okay. 1167 00:45:01.019 --> 00:45:03.960 I remember Dominic Holland used to have this, you know, Dom. 1168 00:45:04.719 --> 00:45:05.280 You should get him. 1169 00:45:05.320 --> 00:45:06.159 Spider-Man's dad. 1170 00:45:06.619 --> 00:45:08.989 Spider-Man's dad. Spider-Man senior. 1171 00:45:10.610 --> 00:45:12.010 Spider-Grandad. 1172 00:45:12.150 --> 00:45:12.449 Yeah. 1173 00:45:12.769 --> 00:45:15.789 Spider-Grandad. I'm just repeating what you're saying. 1174 00:45:15.809 --> 00:45:25.329 LAUGHTER oh so i said no more children because we 1175 00:45:25.369 --> 00:45:27.210 had two so close together and it was that double 1176 00:45:27.269 --> 00:45:30.530 pram thing oh yeah oh jesus you know the double 1177 00:45:30.550 --> 00:45:33.480 premise is just too wide to go through yeah yeah 1178 00:45:33.880 --> 00:45:36.059 and the thing actually that really got to me was 1179 00:45:36.519 --> 00:45:40.340 was actually pushing this double pram with these two babies 1180 00:45:40.400 --> 00:45:42.699 in and we had two dogs as well and i 1181 00:45:42.719 --> 00:45:45.449 would I would push this, walking the dogs and pushing 1182 00:45:45.469 --> 00:45:47.309 this pram around the park. And the thing that got 1183 00:45:47.329 --> 00:45:49.989 to me most was old lady saying, you look like 1184 00:45:50.030 --> 00:45:51.150 you've got your hands full. 1185 00:45:51.909 --> 00:45:52.849 Oh, thanks a lot. 1186 00:45:53.550 --> 00:45:55.170 Oh, you spotted that, did. 1187 00:45:56.889 --> 00:45:57.110 You? 1188 00:45:57.150 --> 00:46:04.820 There you go. What dogs did you have? Because that 1189 00:46:04.860 --> 00:46:06.599 does make a difference, doesn't it? The size of the dog. 1190 00:46:06.619 --> 00:46:07.619 Well, fox terriers. 1191 00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:11.519 Fox Terriers. Small but willful. Small but willful. Like me 1192 00:46:11.559 --> 00:46:11.900 and Josh. 1193 00:46:11.920 --> 00:46:14.260 That was going to be the original name of this podcast. 1194 00:46:15.380 --> 00:46:17.119 I'm going to Google a Fox Terrier so I can 1195 00:46:17.139 --> 00:46:18.019 get my head around this. 1196 00:46:18.099 --> 00:46:18.820 It's the Tintin. 1197 00:46:19.139 --> 00:46:20.139 It's the Tintin dog. 1198 00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:23.650 So you didn't want any more? 1199 00:46:23.750 --> 00:46:27.210 I said, that's it. And we were quite rigid about that. 1200 00:46:27.230 --> 00:46:29.349 Oh, they look like a sort of Jack Russell with 1201 00:46:29.429 --> 00:46:30.369 a big jumper on. 1202 00:46:30.389 --> 00:46:32.949 Yeah, and a moustache. 1203 00:46:33.289 --> 00:46:37.269 Yeah, and a moustache. LAUGHTER A Jack Russell in witness protection. 1204 00:46:37.489 --> 00:46:37.710 Yeah. 1205 00:46:39.769 --> 00:46:41.170 Those dogs have seen some things. 1206 00:46:41.630 --> 00:46:43.289 And we were quite rigid. My wife was quite rigid 1207 00:46:43.309 --> 00:46:45.659 about it. It's your turn, it's my turn. It was 1208 00:46:45.699 --> 00:46:48.400 like that alternate thing at night. Your turn to get up, 1209 00:46:48.460 --> 00:46:51.940 my turn to get up. And I was like, around 1210 00:46:51.960 --> 00:46:55.500 that time, this is what, 97 we had the first one. 1211 00:46:55.500 --> 00:46:57.539 98 was the second one. That was when I was 1212 00:46:57.599 --> 00:46:59.619 making that Channel 4 show. So it was a lot of, 1213 00:46:59.639 --> 00:47:03.000 I had to do turnover, a lot of stand-ups. So 1214 00:47:03.019 --> 00:47:05.059 I would have to do a tour. This is my 1215 00:47:05.119 --> 00:47:13.210 previous handlers who made me do it. Back on tour. 1216 00:47:13.230 --> 00:47:18.010 So it would be tour and then it would be 1217 00:47:18.050 --> 00:47:20.650 write and record the

show. And I wrote it on 1218 00:47:20.690 --> 00:47:22.730 my own. So I was really under the caution. So 1219 00:47:22.750 --> 00:47:24.949 I would get back from tour, you know, two in the. 1220 00:47:24.929 --> 00:47:28.110 Morning, you know, the thing, you know, creep into bed 1221 00:47:28.150 --> 00:47:29.230 and the baby wakes up. 1222 00:47:30.030 --> 00:47:30.489 Your turn. 1223 00:47:30.800 --> 00:47:31.449 Your turn. 1224 00:47:31.900 --> 00:47:34.820 So I was just completely knackered. And so I said no. 1225 00:47:35.320 --> 00:47:37.699 But I could tell that my wife was going to 1226 00:47:37.739 --> 00:47:39.199 hold it against me for the rest of my. 1227 00:47:44.480 --> 00:47:44.940 Life. 1228 00:47:45.260 --> 00:47:46.780 So seven years later. 1229 00:47:47.289 --> 00:47:47.730 Seven? 1230 00:47:48.010 --> 00:47:49.949 Yeah, seven years later. Seven, yeah. 1231 00:47:50.329 --> 00:47:55.909 In a moment of weakness. We conceived a third child, 1232 00:47:55.929 --> 00:48:00.420 another girl. And it was the best thing we ever did. Because, 1233 00:48:01.139 --> 00:48:02.849 you know what it's like. You have the first one. 1234 00:48:02.869 --> 00:48:05.309 You don't know what the hell you're doing. You don't 1235 00:48:05.349 --> 00:48:06.530 realize everything is a phase. 1236 00:48:07.150 --> 00:48:08.289 Yeah. 1237 00:48:08.349 --> 00:48:09.929 And you get the baby back from the hospital. 1238 00:48:09.949 --> 00:48:11.190 And you have that sort of, I don't know, it's 1239 00:48:11.230 --> 00:48:13.030 about a week or something where he just sleeps and 1240 00:48:13.050 --> 00:48:15.190 doesn't do anything. You're thinking, what's all the fuss about? 1241 00:48:15.230 --> 00:48:17.280 Why is everyone saying it's going to ruin your life? 1242 00:48:18.639 --> 00:48:23.559 And then they wake up and they start screaming. And 1243 00:48:23.599 --> 00:48:25.539 you think that's going to go on forever. And then 1244 00:48:25.579 --> 00:48:28.440 that goes. And then, you know, something else happens, you know. 1245 00:48:28.789 --> 00:48:31.070 They start teething or they start falling over. 1246 00:48:31.110 --> 00:48:35.059 Well, because you say it's the best thing you ever did, 1247 00:48:35.139 --> 00:48:38.449 Gavin III, but then how long until you thought that? 1248 00:48:38.469 --> 00:48:39.789 Because obviously at the beginning. 1249 00:48:40.429 --> 00:48:42.230 It was a lot easier because the kids were so 1250 00:48:42.250 --> 00:48:44.829 much older as well. They're like grown-ups at seven and eight, 1251 00:48:44.909 --> 00:48:45.510 aren't they, really? 1252 00:48:45.570 --> 00:48:46.719 Yeah, yeah. 1253 00:48:46.780 --> 00:48:49.039 It was fine because, you know, we knew what we 1254 00:48:49.079 --> 00:48:53.519 were doing with the baby and we were able to 1255 00:48:53.579 --> 00:48:55.619 enjoy it. And maybe I wasn't so busy, I don't know, 1256 00:48:55.639 --> 00:48:58.019 but it was a really good time. And actually, you know, 1257 00:48:58.039 --> 00:49:00.139 I think she said the best, talking of parenting, she 1258 00:49:00.179 --> 00:49:01.760 said the best out of us. I think the first 1259 00:49:01.780 --> 00:49:02.880 two got a bit of a rough deal. 1260 00:49:02.900 --> 00:49:05.789 Sorry, guys. 1261 00:49:05.809 --> 00:49:05.989 Yeah. 1262 00:49:07.980 --> 00:49:08.659 Sorry, guys. 1263 00:49:09.039 --> 00:49:10.900 I'm lucky that things happen. 1264 00:49:11.619 --> 00:49:13.969 So does your third daughter still live with you? 1265 00:49:14.469 --> 00:49:14.690 Yeah. 1266 00:49:15.110 --> 00:49:15.869 She's at school now. 1267 00:49:16.150 --> 00:49:17.090 How old is she? 17. 1268 00:49:17.090 --> 00:49:19.869 So what's it like having teenage daughters? 1269 00:49:19.920 --> 00:49:21.539 And young women as daughters? 1270 00:49:21.579 --> 00:49:22.139 Is it scary? 1271 00:49:22.159 --> 00:49:24.619 That's what's happened to us. You lose the control a bit, 1272 00:49:24.639 --> 00:49:26.119 don't you? So they're out and about doing whatever. 1273 00:49:26.440 --> 00:49:28.619 I think the thing with girls is that they're easier 1274 00:49:28.659 --> 00:49:32.929 when they're little. And then when they become teenagers, you know, 1275 00:49:32.989 --> 00:49:34.710 then it starts to get difficult. 1276 00:49:35.530 --> 00:49:37.010 And, you know, I used to do this. 1277 00:49:37.110 --> 00:49:40.780 I had this weird thing where I would... scream at 1278 00:49:40.840 --> 00:49:43.320 them or they would come down and they would be 1279 00:49:43.420 --> 00:49:45.380 in like they used to roll up the top of 1280 00:49:45.440 --> 00:49:49.579 their school uh skirt so in this sort of jailbait 1281 00:49:49.699 --> 00:49:53.460 kind of look with the thick makeup on all right 1282 00:49:53.800 --> 00:49:56.639 and i and i would just you know turn into 1283 00:49:56.679 --> 00:50:01.079 my dad i'd say you're not going out like that 1284 00:50:02.019 --> 00:50:05.400 come here you know and it was silly you know 1285 00:50:05.440 --> 00:50:07.559 really silly so i bought this book i sent off 1286 00:50:07.579 --> 00:50:11.019 for this book called um something like Talking to Your 1287 00:50:11.079 --> 00:50:12.940 Teens So Your Teens Can Talk. 1288 00:50:12.719 --> 00:50:16.719 To You, which is a book about, you know, obviously understanding. 1289 00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:19.539 Anyway, I get this book through, and I get it, 1290 00:50:19.559 --> 00:50:22.719 and I'm sitting on the stairs reading this book, and 1291 00:50:23.050 --> 00:50:25.010 daughter number two comes home from school. 1292 00:50:25.230 --> 00:50:28.110 She goes, what's that book, Dad? I said, it's called 1293 00:50:28.409 --> 00:50:30.030 Talking to Your Teens So Your Teens Can Talk to You. 1294 00:50:30.070 --> 00:50:33.630 I said, it's just, you know, so we can hopefully 1295 00:50:33.929 --> 00:50:35.070 not have so many arguments. 1296 00:50:35.159 --> 00:50:36.699 She goes, loser. 1297 00:50:42.869 --> 00:50:44.469 So i never bothered reading. 1298 00:50:44.150 --> 00:50:50.260 It that's it for this special best of episode we'll 1299 00:50:50.280 --> 00:50:51.659 be back next week so. 1300 00:50:55.380 --> 00:50:56.360 It's me, Alan. 1301 00:50:56.550 --> 00:51:00.289 There's no place like London's Hackney Empire this September, or 1302 00:51:00.349 --> 00:51:03.250 so I'm told. With shows from three of the UK's 1303 00:51:03.309 --> 00:51:06.269 top comedians. Join team captain of 8 Out of 10 1304 00:51:06.269 --> 00:51:10.190 Catsters Countdown, John Richardson. Recent I'm a Celebrity Get Me 1305 00:51:10.349 --> 00:51:13.719 Out of Here star, Sean Walsh. And me, Alan Carr. 1306 00:51:14.039 --> 00:51:17.340 We're all visiting Hackney Empire this September with our critically 1307 00:51:17.380 --> 00:51:18.460 acclaimed tour shows. 1308 00:51:18.860 --> 00:51:19.900 Ooh, la-di-da. 1309 00:51:20.059 --> 00:51:22.380 Tickets available from hackneyempire.co.uk. 1310 00:51:22.400 --> 00:51:24.159 See you there, my loves.