บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 2

and all 79 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:10.159 these gums were really lumpy and stuff. 80 00:03:10.180 --> 00:03:12.039 So it was basically getting infected. and he got them 81 00:03:12.080 --> 00:03:12.560 taken out. 82 00:03:12.819 --> 00:03:13.340 Wow. 83 00:03:13.659 --> 00:03:14.939 And does it affect him in any way? 84 00:03:15.219 --> 00:03:19.849 Absolutely not. They're just so resilient. I don't know where 85 00:03:19.870 --> 00:03:21.310 you get it from. I'm a wimp, and he is 86 00:03:21.389 --> 00:03:23.270 literally one of the hardest people I've ever met in 87 00:03:23.289 --> 00:03:23.569 my life. 88 00:03:24.389 --> 00:03:26.310 He's like nails. 89 00:03:26.469 --> 00:03:27.330 It's unbelievable. 90 00:03:27.789 --> 00:03:31.759 Does Rosie refute that story then? Or is it a 91 00:03:31.800 --> 00:03:34.340 given that she said one more time and you stopped? 92 00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:37.319 All the years I've known you and you don't believe me. Well, 93 00:03:37.340 --> 00:03:38.020 what is this? 94 00:03:38.699 --> 00:03:42.409 No, I'm not saying it. I'm on your side here. 95 00:03:42.729 --> 00:03:45.030 But if we get Rosie on the podcast, will she 96 00:03:45.069 --> 00:03:45.789 say it differently? 97 00:03:45.909 --> 00:03:48.409 Or is it a given in the family? She's busy. 98 00:03:48.490 --> 00:03:52.740 She can't come on your podcast. Do not contact her. 99 00:03:52.780 --> 00:03:53.000 Right? 100 00:03:56.069 --> 00:03:58.389 We're going to bring her out now like I'm surprise, surprise. 101 00:03:58.409 --> 00:04:00.650 I feel like Keir Starmer. Let me just clarify the 102 00:04:00.689 --> 00:04:02.189 point here. 103 00:04:03.469 --> 00:04:05.740 If we had Rosie on the show, would she say 104 00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:08.439 that she said go again and you said it's dangerous? 105 00:04:09.180 --> 00:04:09.659 She will. 106 00:04:10.180 --> 00:04:12.379 She will agree, but she will then probably put forward 107 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:14.080 the point that I should have just caught him like 108 00:04:14.139 --> 00:04:15.340 I did the previous three times. 109 00:04:15.930 --> 00:04:16.649 Fair enough. 110 00:04:16.689 --> 00:04:18.509 So, I mean, we've had that argument a lot. 111 00:04:18.769 --> 00:04:23.560 But what was interesting about what happened was we took 112 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:26.600 him to Newcastle, to the RVI hospital, to get the 113 00:04:26.620 --> 00:04:27.720 teeth taken out, right? 114 00:04:28.339 --> 00:04:29.519 And it was so strange. 115 00:04:29.540 --> 00:04:31.579 I had to kind of drop him at one door, 116 00:04:31.819 --> 00:04:33.850 and then he went in with the nurse and sort 117 00:04:33.870 --> 00:04:35.829 of put him under anaesthetic and pulled the teeth out. 118 00:04:36.129 --> 00:04:38.689 And we had to walk around this kind of one-way corridor. 119 00:04:38.850 --> 00:04:40.170 You kind of dropped him off, and then you walked 120 00:04:40.189 --> 00:04:41.370 around the other way, and then he came out at 121 00:04:41.389 --> 00:04:43.709 the other end like a conveyor belt, like dropping your 122 00:04:43.750 --> 00:04:44.750 luggage at the airport. 123 00:04:44.980 --> 00:04:45.269 But, like. 124 00:04:46.139 --> 00:04:47.139 Really? 125 00:04:47.449 --> 00:04:49.610 Did you tie something around him so he'd recognise him 126 00:04:49.629 --> 00:04:51.569 when he came round? 127 00:04:51.649 --> 00:04:53.290 I cling filmed him, like when people do. 128 00:04:53.310 --> 00:04:56.910 When he come. 129 00:04:56.750 --> 00:04:57.269 Round, right? 130 00:04:57.470 --> 00:05:00.089 And honestly, right, we got round, we were so worried. 131 00:05:00.129 --> 00:05:02.430 I think I was probably crying. I'm a disgrace, but 132 00:05:02.449 --> 00:05:03.209 we're walking around. 133 00:05:03.779 --> 00:05:07.000 And he came out and he was sitting eating, both 134 00:05:07.019 --> 00:05:09.649 front teeth gone, sitting eating jelly on the nurse's knee. 135 00:05:09.930 --> 00:05:11.250 And she was like, I can't believe it. 136 00:05:11.250 --> 00:05:13.269 She was like, literally, we'll put a tiny bit of 137 00:05:13.290 --> 00:05:14.910 the gas to just to chat. 138 00:05:14.930 --> 00:05:17.009 Did they even do the gas? I can't remember, but 139 00:05:17.050 --> 00:05:18.769 they didn't have to properly put him asleep. They just 140 00:05:18.790 --> 00:05:20.430 did it. And it was out and there's other kids screaming. 141 00:05:20.730 --> 00:05:22.449 And he was just sitting there eating a little tub 142 00:05:22.490 --> 00:05:26.370 of jelly, just buzzing. And he was honestly, we hadn't realized, 143 00:05:26.389 --> 00:05:27.649 but he was a different kid once I got them 144 00:05:27.670 --> 00:05:28.000 taken out. 145 00:05:28.029 --> 00:05:28.509 He was all good. 146 00:05:30.389 --> 00:05:32.589 We need to ask you, Rosie, about, because we asked 147 00:05:32.629 --> 00:05:36.689 Chris and he gave us his account of the day 148 00:05:36.790 --> 00:05:38.370 Robin lost his front teeth. 149 00:05:40.509 --> 00:05:41.209 Oh, I bet he did. 150 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:44.620 I bet he did give you his wrong account of 151 00:05:44.649 --> 00:05:47.800 the day that Robin lost his teeth. What did he say? 152 00:05:48.939 --> 00:05:51.459 Just that you really went to pieces and he was heroic. No, 153 00:05:51.660 --> 00:05:52.699 he said. 154 00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:55.500 He did say you were heroic and he went to pieces, 155 00:05:55.550 --> 00:05:58.610 but it was the discussion before the bike ride, wasn't it, 156 00:05:58.610 --> 00:05:59.310 I think, Josh? 157 00:05:59.350 --> 00:06:04.209 He said that once the accident had happened, you absolutely 158 00:06:04.769 --> 00:06:07.300 owned the situation and he was a mess. But he 159 00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:09.240 said that it was your decision for Robin to have 160 00:06:09.319 --> 00:06:09.920 one more go. 161 00:06:09.939 --> 00:06:13.860 I knew he'd say that. I knew he'd say that. 162 00:06:14.560

--> 00:06:15.519 Did he fully blame me? 163 00:06:16.209 --> 00:06:16.430 Yes. 164 00:06:16.589 --> 00:06:18.189 I think, yes. 165 00:06:19.189 --> 00:06:21.430 Also, he said he even warned you because he was 166 00:06:21.470 --> 00:06:23.310 going to take Robin on a bike down a slope 167 00:06:23.870 --> 00:06:25.569 and he went down a couple of times and he 168 00:06:25.629 --> 00:06:28.310 nearly fell off and then Chris caught him and then 169 00:06:28.509 --> 00:06:31.240 he said, let's not do this anymore. And then you said, 170 00:06:31.500 --> 00:06:34.600 give him one last go. And Chris said that he said, no, 171 00:06:35.220 --> 00:06:37.170 I don't think we should. And you said, do it. 172 00:06:37.220 --> 00:06:40.120 And then that's when the teeth accident happened. Is that 173 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:40.839 not correct, Rosie? 174 00:06:40.899 --> 00:06:44.170 In my defence. Well, it kind of is, right? Because 175 00:06:44.209 --> 00:06:46.850 that did kind of happen. But in my defence, he 176 00:06:46.910 --> 00:06:49.730 was the one who was taking him down the hill. 177 00:06:50.269 --> 00:06:52.709 I couldn't see because I was at the bottom, probably 178 00:06:52.769 --> 00:06:58.819 on my phone, not going to lie. He was the 179 00:06:59.060 --> 00:07:01.339 one who was doing it and taking him down. So 180 00:07:01.399 --> 00:07:03.819 he knew how fast he was going. He could assess 181 00:07:03.860 --> 00:07:06.120 the danger of the situation more than I could. 182 00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:06.459 Yes. 183 00:07:06.670 --> 00:07:06.899 So. 184 00:07:07.660 --> 00:07:10.199 And I'm sorry, but how spineless have you got to 185 00:07:10.220 --> 00:07:12.379 be for me to just go, no, do it one 186 00:07:12.399 --> 00:07:14.560 more time, and him to go, all. 187 00:07:14.459 --> 00:07:16.180 Right, I'll do it one more time. 188 00:07:16.459 --> 00:07:19.029 Even if you know it's dangerous, that you're so scared 189 00:07:19.230 --> 00:07:20.269 to say no to you. 190 00:07:20.290 --> 00:07:24.970 He acts like he's terrified of us, I swear to God. 191 00:07:25.569 --> 00:07:27.050 And you know what's annoyed me about that? I'm going 192 00:07:27.069 --> 00:07:29.009 to have to have a word with him, because when 193 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:30.379 we wrote the book, that went in the book, and 194 00:07:30.420 --> 00:07:33.839 we decided to take 50-50 responsibility for that incident. 195 00:07:33.860 --> 00:07:34.279 Oh, no, no. 196 00:07:35.089 --> 00:07:36.810 And I can't believe he's just chucked me under the 197 00:07:36.850 --> 00:07:39.750 bus like this on a podcast. So we'll be having 198 00:07:39.790 --> 00:07:40.089 a word. 199 00:07:40.110 --> 00:07:41.990 Okay, well, I thought that would be resolved, but it 200 00:07:42.009 --> 00:07:43.470 sounds like it's just been opened up again. 201 00:07:43.689 --> 00:07:45.129 You've caused something here. 202 00:07:45.269 --> 00:07:46.610 We've got to do a podcast later on. 203 00:07:46.769 --> 00:07:48.949 If you've got a feature on your podcast, you should 204 00:07:48.990 --> 00:07:51.629 do like a Prime Minister's Questions where someone has to 205 00:07:51.649 --> 00:07:54.529 take the hot seat and just get counted, thrown at 206 00:07:54.870 --> 00:07:56.589 them with backup documents. 207 00:07:57.149 --> 00:07:59.100 I'm actually after a new feature, so that might work. 208 00:07:59.129 --> 00:08:00.860 We might do something like that. 209 00:08:01.269 --> 00:08:04.879 Is Robin aware now, so he's kind of four, Do 210 00:08:04.899 --> 00:08:06.899 you think, is he aware that you're doing a podcast 211 00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:09.040 in which he gets talked about? Like, does he understand 212 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:12.930 stuff like the fact that you're on Instagram and stuff 213 00:08:12.949 --> 00:08:13.350 like that? 214 00:08:13.550 --> 00:08:17.089 Nah, he doesn't really know. Although he started when I 215 00:08:17.129 --> 00:08:19.189 was doing an advert the other day and I had 216 00:08:19.250 --> 00:08:20.290 my camera out and. 217 00:08:20.230 --> 00:08:21.250 He gets really excited. 218 00:08:21.310 --> 00:08:23.889 He's like, are you filming, man? And I'm like, yeah. 219 00:08:23.910 --> 00:08:26.290 So he got the stuff out of the box and 220 00:08:26.310 --> 00:08:26.569 he was. 221 00:08:26.529 --> 00:08:27.290 Like, film this. 222 00:08:27.329 --> 00:08:27.970 And I went, all right. 223 00:08:27.990 --> 00:08:29.389 And he went, hi, everyone. 224 00:08:29.410 --> 00:08:33.809 He started doing like a vlog thing. And I was thinking, 225 00:08:34.049 --> 00:08:37.370 oh God, he's been watching it too much. But no, 226 00:08:37.450 --> 00:08:40.190 we don't really, he knows that we do a podcast 227 00:08:40.669 --> 00:08:44.500 and he knows that daddy goes on stage and makes 228 00:08:44.519 --> 00:08:47.419 people laugh. But other than that, he's got no idea. 229 00:08:47.460 --> 00:08:50.039 Like Chris was on the one show last week, like 230 00:08:50.059 --> 00:08:52.019 I said, and we were watching it and he just 231 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:54.789 not faced at all. Like he was just playing. 232 00:08:54.590 --> 00:08:55.090 With his toys. 233 00:08:55.110 --> 00:08:56.610 Just like, oh, there's my dad on telly. 234 00:08:56.649 --> 00:08:59.490 Like, can you imagine being a kid and your dad 235 00:08:59.509 --> 00:09:02.419 was on telly? Like, It would have blown our minds 236 00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:02.879 watching a parent. 237 00:09:02.899 --> 00:09:06.039 I'd have been absolutely gutted. You're mortified enough. There's going 238 00:09:06.059 --> 00:09:09.019 to come a point, I suppose, where, because you're mortified 239 00:09:09.059 --> 00:09:10.429 about your parents when you're a kid, when you get 240 00:09:10.450 --> 00:09:12.809 to a certain age, what, about 10 or something like that? 241 00:09:12.889 --> 00:09:16.090 Maybe a bit later. So he'll start by getting excited 242 00:09:16.129 --> 00:09:18.100

about the one show. And then in 10 years, it'll 243 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:19.860 be like, oh, no, my dad's on the one show. 244 00:09:20.289 --> 00:09:21.190 Yeah, not again. 245 00:09:21.269 --> 00:09:22.110 What's he going to say? 246 00:09:22.409 --> 00:09:25.309 Well, I think Alison Hammond's son's a teenager. And when 247 00:09:25.330 --> 00:09:27.210 we were doing the podcast with her, he could sort 248 00:09:27.250 --> 00:09:29.350 of overhear things that she was saying. And he was 249 00:09:29.389 --> 00:09:31.490 coming in, don't say that, mum, and sort of dictating 250 00:09:31.509 --> 00:09:34.210 the terms. So you're in the face of a situation 251 00:09:34.250 --> 00:09:35.990 where you're trying to do a podcast and Robin will 252 00:09:36.009 --> 00:09:43.720 walk in and go, you're not saying that. So you're 253 00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:46.679 set up, Russ. You're up north now in Manchester, aren't you? 254 00:09:46.700 --> 00:09:49.100 So it's your wife, you, your wife, Lindsay, and then 255 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:51.529 your daughter, Minna. And how old is Minna now? 256 00:09:51.990 --> 00:09:52.309 Four. 257 00:09:52.509 --> 00:09:52.929 Good age? 258 00:09:53.320 --> 00:09:55.139 Horrible, isn't it? Worst, worst. 259 00:09:55.559 --> 00:09:56.460 Oh, mate, the worst. 260 00:09:56.480 --> 00:09:57.870 If there was a statue of Minna in the garden, 261 00:09:57.889 --> 00:09:59.450 I'd be tearing it down due to a fascist. 262 00:10:01.529 --> 00:10:04.389 But you tell me stories about Minna, like where she 263 00:10:04.409 --> 00:10:06.210 always went to bed at the right times, a very 264 00:10:06.350 --> 00:10:08.590 structured schedule, and she was a good sleeper and stuff 265 00:10:08.610 --> 00:10:10.789 like that. And then you tell me stories about like 266 00:10:11.049 --> 00:10:13.090 on trains, she'd just strip off naked and there's nothing 267 00:10:13.110 --> 00:10:13.570 you could do. 268 00:10:14.590 --> 00:10:17.350 So what kind of child is she? Like, how is it? 269 00:10:17.629 --> 00:10:19.570 I always say to people, even a serial killer is 270 00:10:19.610 --> 00:10:22.250 peaceful when they're asleep, right? You can walk into Ted 271 00:10:22.269 --> 00:10:24.269 Bundy's bedroom at 3am and go, what's the fuss about? 272 00:10:24.289 --> 00:10:26.000 But you wouldn't want to be there at 8am when 273 00:10:26.149 --> 00:10:26.769 you woke. 274 00:10:29.000 --> 00:10:29.080 Up. 275 00:10:29.100 --> 00:10:32.659 So I have, And it's particularly men that love to 276 00:10:32.720 --> 00:10:37.720 hear about this. I've nailed sleep. And I say I, 277 00:10:37.980 --> 00:10:40.059 even though Lindsay and I did it together, I was 278 00:10:40.100 --> 00:10:42.399 sort of the one that came up with the plan, 279 00:10:42.419 --> 00:10:44.129 who said what we're going to do, what we do 280 00:10:44.149 --> 00:10:45.929 to get our daughter to sleep through the night. So 281 00:10:46.309 --> 00:10:48.450 I will admit we've got sleep. And I know a 282 00:10:48.490 --> 00:10:50.750 lot of people don't like to hear that, but blokes do. 283 00:10:50.809 --> 00:10:52.690 They like to perv in on my full night's sleep 284 00:10:52.750 --> 00:10:53.210 and hear. 285 00:10:53.090 --> 00:10:55.700 How I do it. 286 00:10:55.929 --> 00:10:57.659 This is not normally going silent. It's like, oh, just 287 00:10:57.679 --> 00:10:59.879 tell me again, Russ. Just tell me again about your umbrella. 288 00:10:59.919 --> 00:11:02.009 What was that, eight hours for three weeks straight? Stop it, 289 00:11:02.019 --> 00:11:02.299 stop it. 290 00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:03.600 A little bit more slowly, would you? 291 00:11:04.529 --> 00:11:06.250 So I'll tell you how I achieved that in a minute, 292 00:11:06.269 --> 00:11:09.549 because men love to hear I did it using nerdy charts. 293 00:11:09.870 --> 00:11:13.389 But it's when the eyes flick open, that is when 294 00:11:13.429 --> 00:11:19.049 the hell begins. But that also proves that regardless of 295 00:11:19.110 --> 00:11:20.889 the temperament of your child, whether you've got one of 296 00:11:20.929 --> 00:11:22.929 the laid back ones dribbling on its bricks as it 297 00:11:22.980 --> 00:11:26.600 amuses itself, or whether you've got a holy water sizzling 298 00:11:26.659 --> 00:11:31.629 on the forehead bastard like I have, you've I do 299 00:11:31.710 --> 00:11:34.190 truly believe if you want to, and there's no reason 300 00:11:34.289 --> 00:11:36.289 why you have to, there's no pressure to get your 301 00:11:36.309 --> 00:11:37.980 child through the night, but if it's something you both 302 00:11:38.049 --> 00:11:40.299 desperately want as a couple, it can be achieved. 303 00:11:40.500 --> 00:11:42.080 What was your method, Russell? 304 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.080 The benefit I've got is I'm the last one out 305 00:11:45.100 --> 00:11:48.879 of all my friends to have kids, right? So the 306 00:11:48.899 --> 00:11:51.519 downside is I'm going to be on a ventilator when 307 00:11:51.559 --> 00:11:52.519 she's on sports day. 308 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:58.269 100 metres, go on, you can run it for daddy. 309 00:11:59.429 --> 00:12:00.210 Do you remember the war? 310 00:12:00.230 --> 00:12:04.870 No, but the plus side is I was able to 311 00:12:05.009 --> 00:12:07.769 watch all my groups of friends. And what went wrong 312 00:12:07.870 --> 00:12:11.220 most often, apart from all the usual childhood illnesses, was 313 00:12:11.409 --> 00:12:14.799 arguments about sleep, kids in the bed, sex life going 314 00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:16.700 down the drain, relationship going down the drain, where the 315 00:12:16.740 --> 00:12:20.240 child's on the throne, ruling the house as soon as 316 00:12:20.279 --> 00:12:23.139 it was born. So I was thinking to myself, do 317 00:12:23.159 --> 00:12:24.759 you know what? I don't want that to happen to me. Plus, 318 00:12:24.779 --> 00:12:26.919 my mum was a childminder and a nanny, so she's 319

00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:29.899 a bit like badass with routine and sleep. So I just, 320 00:12:30.460 --> 00:12:32.620 me and Lindsay were bobbing around in the pool on 321 00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:34.429 one of those all-inclusive holidays. 322 00:12:34.450 --> 00:12:35.629 And we're like, should we go for it? 323 00:12:35.649 --> 00:12:38.730 Should we start training for your baby? And I was like, 324 00:12:38.769 --> 00:12:41.970 before we do, before that Marvellon pill packet goes in 325 00:12:42.009 --> 00:12:44.850 the bin, we are going to be in agreement on sleep. 326 00:12:45.529 --> 00:12:48.480 And that's the mistake most problems make. Once they've got 327 00:12:48.500 --> 00:12:50.960 a screaming satanic object in front of them, that's when, 328 00:12:50.980 --> 00:12:53.019 should we have the chat now? The time to have 329 00:12:53.059 --> 00:12:58.779 the chat is before fertilization. You need to agree about 330 00:12:58.879 --> 00:12:59.840 sleep in advance. 331 00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:01.139 It's really, really important. 332 00:13:01.179 --> 00:13:04.179 It doesn't matter if you both want to be bed-sharing hippies, 333 00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:06.539 baby hanging off the boob and all that, and you're 334 00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:08.879 both in the bed together, and you're going to do 335 00:13:08.940 --> 00:13:11.690 attachment and be up all night and be baby-led. 336 00:13:11.850 --> 00:13:12.509 That's fine. 337 00:13:12.909 --> 00:13:15.210 No judgment from me, and you shouldn't be judged by anyone. 338 00:13:15.309 --> 00:13:17.929 The problem is when you've got one person on one 339 00:13:17.970 --> 00:13:20.830 method and one on the other. If you've got a 340 00:13:20.909 --> 00:13:22.629 mum saying, I do want the baby hanging off my 341 00:13:22.669 --> 00:13:24.250 boob while our marriage dies and you wank in the 342 00:13:24.269 --> 00:13:24.649 spare room. 343 00:13:24.919 --> 00:13:27.399 That's an idiot. 344 00:13:27.419 --> 00:13:30.340 You've been listening in to my house. 345 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:35.360 No, but like, because I always think everyone's like putting 346 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:36.100 pressure on women. 347 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:36.980 Her breast is best. 348 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:39.200 You need to do attachment. No, what's best is a 349 00:13:39.299 --> 00:13:44.110 really buzzingly happy, mentally stable household where the children are 350 00:13:44.129 --> 00:13:46.789 being raised in a positive environment. If that means slamming 351 00:13:47.049 --> 00:13:49.230 formula into its mouth on day one, so be it. 352 00:13:49.669 --> 00:13:52.830 Do you, I mean, obviously the, you need to decide 353 00:13:52.870 --> 00:13:55.090 this before you get pregnant is of use to about 354 00:13:55.090 --> 00:13:56.570 2% of our listeners. 355 00:13:56.750 --> 00:14:01.789 It should be a filter on Tinder. Early doors, isn't it? 356 00:14:02.070 --> 00:14:04.330 But to be fair, Russ, for the people listening, what 357 00:14:04.730 --> 00:14:06.970 age was Amina sleeping through the night? 358 00:14:07.149 --> 00:14:09.649 So we did eight hours by eight weeks and 12 359 00:14:09.649 --> 00:14:11.330 hours at 12 weeks. Those were my targets. 360 00:14:11.350 --> 00:14:11.409 Oh. 361 00:14:11.860 --> 00:14:15.059 Through your targets oh god it's like the wolf of 362 00:14:15.100 --> 00:14:18.960 wall street i love it eight hours eight weeks and 363 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:20.980 12 hours at 12 weeks tell us how a. 364 00:14:21.139 --> 00:14:23.899 Little bit a little bit of baby trivia which anyone 365 00:14:23.980 --> 00:14:26.659 now who's had a kid will know but maybe never 366 00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:31.059 realized it before most babies are born chronologically speaking like 367 00:14:31.100 --> 00:14:34.360 daytime nighttime speaking back to front so you anyone who's 368 00:14:34.379 --> 00:14:36.779 been uh lived with a pregnant woman will know baby 369 00:14:36.820 --> 00:14:38.600 doesn't do much all day sit down 8 p.m what 370 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:41.399 watch a bit of Britain's Got Talent or whatever, baby 371 00:14:41.419 --> 00:14:44.700 starts kicking, yeah? Every time. And then kicks are all 372 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:46.379 through the night. I've had a rubbish night's sleep. And 373 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:48.820 then it sleeps all day. The reason for this is, 374 00:14:48.899 --> 00:14:52.700 as far as the stuff I've read, is of course 375 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:55.500 when you're walking around all day, if a woman's pregnant, 376 00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:58.120 she's rocking the baby effectively. And when she's laying down, 377 00:14:58.139 --> 00:15:00.309 the baby's not being rocked. Some babies fall asleep and 378 00:15:00.330 --> 00:15:02.649 they're rocked, right? So I think that's why so many 379 00:15:02.690 --> 00:15:05.809 babies are born awake at night, asleep during that. And 380 00:15:05.950 --> 00:15:09.879 where you're so knackered, you just follow that pattern. And 381 00:15:09.950 --> 00:15:13.690 you end up two, three, four, five years of screaming 382 00:15:13.750 --> 00:15:17.529 baby all night, asleep all day. So contrary to what 383 00:15:17.570 --> 00:15:20.610 some people think about being some sort of sleep fascist 384 00:15:20.669 --> 00:15:22.450 and forcing a baby to sleep through the night, it's 385 00:15:22.529 --> 00:15:24.889 quite the opposite. You know, my daughter was never allowed 386 00:15:24.929 --> 00:15:27.179 to cry or self-soothe or any of that nonsense that 387 00:15:27.220 --> 00:15:30.500 people hear. We just worked initially when she was tight, 388 00:15:30.580 --> 00:15:33.500 once she'd regained her birth weight towards keeping her awake 389 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:34.200 during the day. 390 00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:37.950 Which is much, much easier. So you're just stretching. 391 00:15:38.710 --> 00:15:40.970 We're talking about when they're really tiny, just like a 392 00:15:41.009 --> 00:15:43.970

game on the kick mat, a mobile, and inviting the 393 00:15:44.009 --> 00:15:46.840 nannies over when they're due for their scheduled naps. So 394 00:15:46.860 --> 00:15:50.179 babies need 16 hours sleep. Babies need 16 hours sleep. 395 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:53.000 So why wouldn't you squeeze 10, 12 hours of that 396 00:15:53.059 --> 00:15:56.279 sleep into a nighttime and have the four hours naps 397 00:15:56.299 --> 00:15:58.370 throughout the day? So whenever she was due for a nap, 398 00:15:58.539 --> 00:16:00.590 that's when I'd let my mom in, start rocking her, 399 00:16:00.970 --> 00:16:03.409 So if she falls asleep, fine. Otherwise, I'd be getting 400 00:16:03.429 --> 00:16:05.809 like a vein in the side of my schedule head 401 00:16:05.870 --> 00:16:07.429 going in. She should be awake by now. 402 00:16:07.470 --> 00:16:09.470 So it's not about getting them to sleep. It's about 403 00:16:09.509 --> 00:16:10.190 keeping them up. 404 00:16:10.610 --> 00:16:11.470 Indeed, initially. 405 00:16:11.529 --> 00:16:14.450 And then what you'll see is you can gradually stretch 406 00:16:14.490 --> 00:16:17.230 the periods at night. And people are like, you should 407 00:16:17.250 --> 00:16:19.929 never wake a sleeping baby. You should never fuck off 408 00:16:20.049 --> 00:16:22.529 out my house. What I would do is if Mina 409 00:16:22.549 --> 00:16:24.500 was due for it, I don't remember what the timings 410 00:16:24.580 --> 00:16:25.159 are now. 411 00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:26.639 It seems like a lifetime ago. 412 00:16:26.779 --> 00:16:29.600 So she's supposed to have 90 minutes morning nap from 413 00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:36.509 10 to 11.30. 11.31, I'm unswaddling that child. Getting her ready, 414 00:16:36.610 --> 00:16:39.090 fed on time, awake on the kick mat. We were 415 00:16:39.129 --> 00:16:41.289 using like a cold flannel on her feet, anything to 416 00:16:41.330 --> 00:16:43.610 keep her stimulated and awake. And our friends were like, 417 00:16:43.629 --> 00:16:44.529 that'll never work. 418 00:16:44.750 --> 00:16:47.289 That Japanese prisoner of war torture. 419 00:16:47.409 --> 00:16:50.320 Have you thought about working in Guantanamo Bay, Russell? 420 00:16:50.379 --> 00:16:53.950 LAUGHTER Sometimes I just scream in her face. 421 00:16:54.269 --> 00:16:56.450 Just play loud heavy metal for six hours. 422 00:16:57.250 --> 00:16:59.629 It was all done with games. 423 00:16:59.750 --> 00:17:00.730 I know, I got invested. 424 00:17:00.929 --> 00:17:04.069 But it was our friends, every single one. Of course, 425 00:17:04.089 --> 00:17:06.849 they're supposed to get up at 4am. You should be 426 00:17:06.930 --> 00:17:08.289 on pool now at 4am. 427 00:17:08.329 --> 00:17:10.509 Play the game. And that's the other bollocks. 428 00:17:10.190 --> 00:17:13.029 That winds me up, is that babies wake at 5am. 429 00:17:13.230 --> 00:17:14.599 There's nothing you can do. 430 00:17:14.650 --> 00:17:15.559 It's absolute dog shit. 431 00:17:15.990 --> 00:17:17.670 If you get on a plane to Australia, your baby 432 00:17:17.710 --> 00:17:21.539 doesn't magically know that sunrise has changed. It's because people's 433 00:17:21.660 --> 00:17:24.920 definition of what they call a blackout curtain is pathetic. 434 00:17:27.099 --> 00:17:29.019 It winds me up. People are like, I've got the blackout, 435 00:17:29.059 --> 00:17:30.980 just like it said. And you go in and you're like, 436 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:33.519 you could kill a vampire within seconds in that room 437 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:36.349 at 6pm. You shouldn't be able to walk across a 438 00:17:36.380 --> 00:17:38.910 blackout room at midday. It should look like, in Spanish 439 00:17:38.930 --> 00:17:42.740 and Italian, people do proper blackout shutters and stuff. So 440 00:17:42.759 --> 00:17:45.240 that's what we did. So instead of doing a 7am 441 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:47.660 to 7pm date, what use is that to a stand-up? 442 00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:49.440 Because I want to be involved as a dad. I 443 00:17:49.480 --> 00:17:51.720 said to Lindsay, let's do 9 till 9 till she 444 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:53.640 goes to school. Then we get a bit of an 445 00:17:53.700 --> 00:17:55.680 evening and we get her laying as well. So that's 446 00:17:55.700 --> 00:17:58.579 what my daughter sleeps. She sleeps from 9pm to 9am. 447 00:17:58.839 --> 00:17:59.420 Blimey. 448 00:18:02.339 --> 00:18:04.880 Jen, can you explain to us and the listeners your 449 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:06.700 set-up at home with your kids and stuff? 450 00:18:07.029 --> 00:18:07.690 Yes, I can. 451 00:18:08.089 --> 00:18:13.400 I am sharing my home with my ever-patient girlfriend and 452 00:18:13.819 --> 00:18:17.970 our two five-year-old twin boys. And it's fun times all around. 453 00:18:18.069 --> 00:18:22.079 Oh, five-year-olds. Sorry, because it's actually your life. But I shuddered. 454 00:18:25.500 --> 00:18:26.099 I'm sorry. 455 00:18:26.579 --> 00:18:28.099 Straight in with the empathy there. 456 00:18:28.180 --> 00:18:29.619 I love it. I did a live version. You know 457 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:31.160 when you read an interview, so I go, oh. 458 00:18:31.220 --> 00:18:34.400 No, fucking hell, five-year-old twin boys. 459 00:18:34.420 --> 00:18:37.539 Three dishes having a shocker. Sorry for saying that out loud. 460 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:41.019 No, it's all right. I'm living it. I know it. 461 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:41.539 I feel it. 462 00:18:42.359 --> 00:18:44.740 And how's it been then? So have you been homeschooling 463 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:45.440 with five-year-olds? 464 00:18:45.940 --> 00:18:49.359 Oh God. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I have. 465 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:51.880 And I am shit at it. I am so shit 466 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:54.440 at it. It's just that they don't respect you, your kids. 467 00:18:54.579 --> 00:18:56.500 I mean, not your kids, my kids. They don't seem 468 00:18:56.539 --> 00:18:58.859 to respect parents when they're homeschooling. I

spoke to a 469 00:18:58.880 --> 00:18:59.559 few parents. 470 00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:00.779 And they're like, oh, fuck it. I gave up after 471 00:19:00.819 --> 00:19:01.160 two days. 472 00:19:01.180 --> 00:19:03.980 Um, just trying to teach them stuff because we've got 473 00:19:04.009 --> 00:19:06.049 to teach them how to read. Everyone's going out five. 474 00:19:06.069 --> 00:19:07.329 You don't have to do anything, mate. Just wait until 475 00:19:07.349 --> 00:19:09.250 they're 10. So they can't, they can't turn up at 476 00:19:09.250 --> 00:19:10.730 10 and go, sorry, mate, still can't read because my 477 00:19:10.750 --> 00:19:13.690 parents didn't bother homeschooling me when I was five. Um, 478 00:19:14.430 --> 00:19:17.710 So you've got to teach them things like phonic, jolly, phonic. 479 00:19:17.769 --> 00:19:19.730 I mean, the jolly bit fucked off a while ago, 480 00:19:19.789 --> 00:19:24.740 I'll tell you. It's just a horror show. And they don't, like, honestly, 481 00:19:24.779 --> 00:19:25.980 if I'm trying to tell them to do anything. 482 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:27.380 They're like, I don't want to do that. And anyway, 483 00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:28.500 you smell of poo. And it's like. 484 00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:31.559 Oh, they love you smell of poo. They love saying that. 485 00:19:32.180 --> 00:19:33.990 Do you think the fact you smell of poo is 486 00:19:34.029 --> 00:19:36.410 a problem, though, Jen? Maybe that's why you're struggling to 487 00:19:36.450 --> 00:19:37.990 home school. 488 00:19:38.230 --> 00:19:39.750 To be fair, I've seen your stand up, Jen, and 489 00:19:39.769 --> 00:19:41.789 there is a routine about you actually smelling of poo. 490 00:19:41.849 --> 00:19:43.430 So I think they may be accurate in that. 491 00:19:44.109 --> 00:19:46.289 Well, and whose poo is it? It's not my poo. 492 00:19:46.369 --> 00:19:48.869 I'm not like just slinging my poo around the house. 493 00:19:48.910 --> 00:19:49.849 It's their bloody poo. 494 00:19:50.289 --> 00:19:52.750 They are so obsessed with their bumholes at the moment 495 00:19:53.950 --> 00:19:56.930 I made the mistake of saying bumhole to them and 496 00:19:57.019 --> 00:20:00.000 close like we don't say bumhole we just say bottom 497 00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:02.579 and I went was too late so bumholes out yeah and. 498 00:20:02.619 --> 00:20:04.319 That's a great word though isn't it you forget how 499 00:20:04.359 --> 00:20:05.380 funny bumhole. 500 00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:07.000 Is could you use that to teach them all the 501 00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:07.960 different sounds and. 502 00:20:08.039 --> 00:20:10.000 You could say They want their phonics. 503 00:20:10.019 --> 00:20:11.859 And then it'd be a great chance to teach them 504 00:20:11.880 --> 00:20:13.230 about the letter O, wouldn't it? 505 00:20:13.500 --> 00:20:19.690 Oh yeah, because my daughter's starting school in September and 506 00:20:19.829 --> 00:20:23.759 I'm already, I don't understand this phonics

thing where you 507 00:20:23.779 --> 00:20:27.410 learn the alphabet. Like ABC, but for anyone that didn't 508 00:20:27.430 --> 00:20:28.890 know what it was, that's the English one. 509 00:20:29.589 --> 00:20:30.670 I'm working on the Greek. 510 00:20:31.519 --> 00:20:35.960 But you learn all those sounds for ABC, but it's 511 00:20:36.019 --> 00:20:36.980 actually ab-a-ca. 512 00:20:37.420 --> 00:20:37.880 Is that right? 513 00:20:38.119 --> 00:20:41.000 Well, yeah, but it's also more complicated than that. 514 00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:44.130 So you're learning sounds when you, like, say you've got 515 00:20:44.309 --> 00:20:46.890 I-G-H together, then they have to learn that that sound 516 00:20:46.950 --> 00:20:50.170 is I. Or if there's an O and a W together, 517 00:20:50.190 --> 00:20:52.970 then that can be ow. Or, you know, they've got 518 00:20:52.990 --> 00:20:55.250 to learn it like that. Or if there's an E 519 00:20:55.299 --> 00:20:58.440 at the end, like actually bumhole is a very good example. 520 00:20:58.880 --> 00:20:59.819 Now we've got. 521 00:20:59.940 --> 00:21:01.420 Let's explore the bumhole class. 522 00:21:01.460 --> 00:21:04.119 Let's explore bumhole because there's a magic E at the 523 00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:07.160 end of hole. So the O, instead of being an R, 524 00:21:07.180 --> 00:21:09.079 becomes an O. So it's not hole, it's. 525 00:21:09.309 --> 00:21:12.609 What is it, kids? Hole! That's right, it's bumhole. So 526 00:21:12.809 --> 00:21:13.869 we're all learning something. 527 00:21:13.910 --> 00:21:16.150 We had magic E when I was growing up. Did 528 00:21:16.170 --> 00:21:19.230 you used to watch the Look and Read BBC... TV 529 00:21:19.269 --> 00:21:21.579 shows at school. So it'd be like Badger Girl or 530 00:21:21.619 --> 00:21:22.819 Geordie Racer or something. 531 00:21:22.980 --> 00:21:24.460 No, I'm like 10 years older than you. 532 00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:30.460 Badger Girl sounds like a TikTok star. 533 00:21:33.180 --> 00:21:36.190 She just documents the badgers in her garden, which is 534 00:21:36.210 --> 00:21:41.390 not a euphemism. Well, I struggled with reading, spoiler alert, 535 00:21:41.470 --> 00:21:44.470 as a kid. I had to go to learning support, 536 00:21:44.970 --> 00:21:46.950 and we used to read the Biff, Chip. 537 00:21:46.809 --> 00:21:48.190 And Kipper books. 538 00:21:48.289 --> 00:21:49.049 My kids are reading those. 539 00:21:49.069 --> 00:21:49.250 Yeah. 540 00:21:49.829 --> 00:21:51.509 All I remember was they went, okay, you're going to 541 00:21:51.549 --> 00:21:53.990 go for private one-on-one readings. 542 00:21:54.029 --> 00:21:56.769 I'm dyslexic, so I struggled with the reading. And the 543 00:21:56.789 --> 00:22:02.220 book was just bigger. LAUGHTER It wasn't an easier book 544 00:22:02.660 --> 00:22:03.619 or specialised. 545 00:22:03.660 --> 00:22:05.880 It was just the same book with one person just 546 00:22:06.279 --> 00:22:07.160 pointing at the word. 547 00:22:08.180 --> 00:22:09.500 That's an audition I needed. 548 00:22:11.869 --> 00:22:14.880 Obviously they're twins, Jen, but how different are they as 549 00:22:14.900 --> 00:22:17.180 people in their reaction to it? Do you teach them 550 00:22:17.220 --> 00:22:18.359 together or are they kind of. 551 00:22:18.359 --> 00:22:20.759 Oh, they're completely different in every... They don't look at... 552 00:22:20.819 --> 00:22:24.119 Because they're fraternal twins, because it was IVF, so obviously 553 00:22:24.140 --> 00:22:25.740 it wasn't a natural conception. 554 00:22:26.190 --> 00:22:29.089 And if it was from a same-sex couple, Jen, that 555 00:22:29.109 --> 00:22:31.170 would be the first question I'd ask, to be honest 556 00:22:31.190 --> 00:22:31.390 with you. 557 00:22:31.410 --> 00:22:31.869 It did happen. 558 00:22:33.009 --> 00:22:36.529 Just a lot of friction, Rob. Just a lot of friction. 559 00:22:36.730 --> 00:22:39.039 First things first, how does that happen? 560 00:22:40.069 --> 00:22:43.049 Just keep rubbing until we start a fight. 561 00:22:43.069 --> 00:22:46.140 So what's the difference? Because I'm a bit ignorant to this. 562 00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:48.660 So what's the difference from an IVF twins as opposed 563 00:22:48.700 --> 00:22:51.160 to sort of natural twins, as it were? 564 00:22:51.339 --> 00:22:52.579 Sorry if that's the wrong terminology. 565 00:22:52.980 --> 00:22:56.799 Well, no, it's completely the right terminology. If you're having 566 00:22:56.839 --> 00:23:00.069 a sort of natural conception and you're having sex and 567 00:23:00.130 --> 00:23:03.269 that's how you conceive, if you're doing it with IVF, 568 00:23:03.289 --> 00:23:06.990 what you do is you spend... thousands and thousands and 569 00:23:07.029 --> 00:23:11.140 thousands and thousands of pounds and cross your fingers that 570 00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:15.539 something fucking happens. But it's a clinic and then we 571 00:23:17.660 --> 00:23:19.559 bought sperm from the internet. 572 00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:22.160 But you don't actually, you don't physically do that, right? 573 00:23:22.180 --> 00:23:23.450 You don't, it doesn't arrive. 574 00:23:23.549 --> 00:23:26.289 You must get Amazon Prime. You know, you've got to 575 00:23:26.329 --> 00:23:26.730 keep it fresh. 576 00:23:26.789 --> 00:23:28.809 Do you know what? It's not that different, actually. 577 00:23:29.130 --> 00:23:29.490 Really? 578 00:23:29.549 --> 00:23:31.890 No, no. I know you're going, I'll come in. What 579 00:23:31.910 --> 00:23:33.829 do you do? Log on and then just buy some sperm. 580 00:23:33.970 --> 00:23:34.190 Yeah. 581 00:23:34.589 --> 00:23:38.200 Really? Really? How much? How much is it? Oh, litres 582 00:23:38.259 --> 00:23:38.480 of it. 583 00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:43.079 It's been a long lockdown. 584 00:23:43.099 --> 00:23:45.279 Listen, we needed as much as we could get. No, um. 585 00:23:45.849 --> 00:23:48.109 There are lots of different sperm banks and it's

depending 586 00:23:48.130 --> 00:23:50.359 on which sperm bank you go to. But basically they 587 00:23:50.420 --> 00:23:53.779 have an online, I suppose, I want to say magazine, 588 00:23:53.799 --> 00:23:55.119 that's not brochure, something. 589 00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:56.599 And you can pick. 590 00:23:56.619 --> 00:23:57.880 Do they have like star ratings? 591 00:23:58.279 --> 00:23:58.920 Trustpilot. 592 00:24:01.109 --> 00:24:03.529 They kind of do. I mean, in as much as 593 00:24:03.970 --> 00:24:06.390 you can see how popular. 594 00:24:06.049 --> 00:24:07.410 That sperm is. 595 00:24:07.509 --> 00:24:09.630 I mean, I'd get one off Checker Trade, so I've 596 00:24:09.650 --> 00:24:13.849 got somebody's Andy in the house. I've got enough sort 597 00:24:13.869 --> 00:24:15.650 of gobby talking people in our family. 598 00:24:15.670 --> 00:24:19.289 Yeah, but you'd get mixed messages, really. I've got three 599 00:24:19.329 --> 00:24:20.130 off this stoner. 600 00:24:20.150 --> 00:24:21.869 The first one was an absolute dream, but the last two, 601 00:24:21.890 --> 00:24:24.670 if I'm honest, are a pair of quits. 602 00:24:24.690 --> 00:24:25.130 So it's 50-50. 603 00:24:26.559 --> 00:24:29.079 So what did you know about your sperm? 604 00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:31.779 So what you don't get, you have no idea what 605 00:24:31.819 --> 00:24:34.619 your donor looks like. So what you will get is information. 606 00:24:34.740 --> 00:24:36.420 And again, this really depends on the sperm bank, how 607 00:24:36.460 --> 00:24:39.450 much information they give you. So we went to the 608 00:24:39.569 --> 00:24:43.829 European sperm bank specifically because you get the most information 609 00:24:43.849 --> 00:24:47.990 about the donor. And you get sort of information about 610 00:24:48.009 --> 00:24:51.450 their parents, sort of health, you know, if there's any, 611 00:24:51.750 --> 00:24:54.910 I don't know, like dementia or cancer or anything like that. 612 00:24:55.259 --> 00:24:55.839 In the family. 613 00:24:55.880 --> 00:24:57.869 So I think you go back like the parents and 614 00:24:57.890 --> 00:25:00.670 then the grandparents, and then you can, what they look like, 615 00:25:00.990 --> 00:25:03.029 what they do for a living, interests, all that sort 616 00:25:03.049 --> 00:25:05.059 of stuff. And then you get a photograph of them 617 00:25:05.400 --> 00:25:07.960 as a baby. So you can kind of get an idea. 618 00:25:07.980 --> 00:25:10.109 So yeah, I mean, we were a bit cruel because 619 00:25:10.130 --> 00:25:12.289 there was a couple of babies that were completely boss-eyed 620 00:25:12.309 --> 00:25:15.230 and we were like, oh, come on, swerve that. 621 00:25:15.630 --> 00:25:17.470 If you're paying for it, you're allowed to choose as 622 00:25:17.509 --> 00:25:18.369 far as I'm concerned. 623 00:25:18.529 --> 00:25:20.930 I mean, the irony is one of ours is boss-eyed now, 624 00:25:20.970 --> 00:25:25.380 so that was calmer. 625 00:25:25.400

--> 00:25:26.259 There we go. 626 00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:29.940 I mean, like you can spend... weeks and months deciding 627 00:25:29.980 --> 00:25:32.319 and then in the end it's kind of i don't 628 00:25:32.339 --> 00:25:33.839 know if other people agree with me but it's kind 629 00:25:33.880 --> 00:25:36.339 of moot really because what you want is a baby 630 00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:38.099 whatever you end up with you're not going to be 631 00:25:38.119 --> 00:25:40.299 like oh i wish we'd gone for you know jeff 632 00:25:40.339 --> 00:25:42.680 he was of course yeah love yeah nicer eyes you're 633 00:25:42.700 --> 00:25:44.359 going to be like oh this is my baby so 634 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:47.900 um yeah i can't even i can't even tell you 635 00:25:47.940 --> 00:25:49.660 how we chose our sperm donor i think we just 636 00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:51.579 went oh fuck it him you know i think it 637 00:25:51.619 --> 00:25:52.779 was like that and. 638 00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:54.319 And is it sort of with is it just some 639 00:25:54.380 --> 00:25:56.920 call with ivf you sometimes it's more chance of twins 640 00:25:57.380 --> 00:25:59.680 It's not like an option you pick, like twins running 641 00:25:59.720 --> 00:26:00.279 in the family. 642 00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:04.000 Again, it is an option we picked because you can choose. 643 00:26:04.119 --> 00:26:05.500 I don't know if you can still do this. I'm 644 00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:06.160 not sure. 645 00:26:06.529 --> 00:26:07.140 Bog off. 646 00:26:07.789 --> 00:26:12.490 High level, bi-level. Buy one, get one free. Eat out 647 00:26:12.529 --> 00:26:13.450 to help out. 648 00:26:13.609 --> 00:26:17.670 Well done, Jen. 649 00:26:17.690 --> 00:26:20.049 So that's an option, is it? 650 00:26:21.849 --> 00:26:23.599 Yeah. You can pick. 651 00:26:24.630 --> 00:26:26.890 Well, it depends how many you get, right? So you, 652 00:26:28.039 --> 00:26:30.420 you get, you get to, it depends how many embryos 653 00:26:30.460 --> 00:26:33.839 you get. So once you go through the process of IVF, right? 654 00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:35.759 And then you end up with however many embryos you do. 655 00:26:35.859 --> 00:26:38.269 And then we went through one round of IVF and 656 00:26:38.289 --> 00:26:40.029 it was, no, we'd been through two rounds of IVF 657 00:26:40.049 --> 00:26:42.609 and it'd been unsuccessful. And we were like, oh, fuck this, 658 00:26:42.630 --> 00:26:45.589 it's costing a fortune. So the third round, Chloe was like, 659 00:26:45.609 --> 00:26:47.119 I'm going to stick two embryos in. 660 00:26:47.450 --> 00:26:50.309 And I was like, double dropping it's like being at 661 00:26:50.329 --> 00:26:53.500 a festival i'm not feeling it i'm not feeling it 662 00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:55.299 come on in a minute i'm doing two. 663 00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:56.680 And if you and if you just wait in an 664 00:26:56.700 --> 00:27:01.779 hour that one would have been fine we've got two 665 00:27:01.819 --> 00:27:05.089 now and i like gurning your tits i wish i 666 00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:14.609 just stuck to one so. 667 00:27:10.450 --> 00:27:12.089 Yeah that's basically what happened. 668 00:27:11.910 --> 00:27:15.599 Yeah Are you a good cop or a bad cop 669 00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:17.579 as a dad, though? Or what's your kind of role? 670 00:27:17.859 --> 00:27:18.200 Shouting? 671 00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:20.380 Can I have shouting as one of the things there? 672 00:27:20.859 --> 00:27:22.920 Turns out, much more of a shouter than I thought 673 00:27:22.940 --> 00:27:23.220 I'd be. 674 00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:24.500 Oh, really? 675 00:27:24.519 --> 00:27:29.960 Yeah, much more of a blindly furious person than I 676 00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:33.000 presumed I'd be. Yeah, no, no, it's a surprise to 677 00:27:33.039 --> 00:27:35.059 me as well, and to them a lot of the time, 678 00:27:35.480 --> 00:27:40.140 just how, what are, oh, I have told you to 679 00:27:40.220 --> 00:27:44.019 hold the fork. correctly to kind of you know just 680 00:27:44.539 --> 00:27:45.619 yeah have. 681 00:27:45.559 --> 00:27:47.579 You had a moment in particular dara. 682 00:27:47.500 --> 00:27:49.160 No no no just just you know they just don't 683 00:27:49.180 --> 00:27:52.910 you know they don't listen um it is it turns 684 00:27:53.049 --> 00:27:56.650 out no i'm very impatient about things not being done 685 00:27:56.670 --> 00:27:58.849 uh the way they should be done no it's awful 686 00:27:58.930 --> 00:28:01.309 like honestly it's it's a thing that i should probably 687 00:28:01.910 --> 00:28:03.950 have a talk about because it's like oh for god's 688 00:28:03.970 --> 00:28:08.880 sake I've also had some kids whom I utterly adore 689 00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:11.700 and they're a wonderful creature. But it is like, it's 690 00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:14.660 a type of love you have for your kids is 691 00:28:15.180 --> 00:28:18.299 the love, both the love at the start of the relationship, 692 00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:21.720 of a romantic relationship. In other words, I cannot wait 693 00:28:21.740 --> 00:28:24.529 to see you. Everything about you is beautiful. You light 694 00:28:24.569 --> 00:28:27.410 up my life. You're amazing. You're fabulous. and the end 695 00:28:27.450 --> 00:28:30.559 of a relationship, you know exactly the stuff that makes 696 00:28:30.599 --> 00:28:34.109 me more angry than any other human being. And it's 697 00:28:34.150 --> 00:28:35.549 the two of those together. 698 00:28:38.019 --> 00:28:39.579 Oh, that's a perfect description. 699 00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:41.859 Dara, have you had a moment in particular where you 700 00:28:41.900 --> 00:28:44.079 sort of lost it with the kids? Shappi Korsandi had 701 00:28:44.140 --> 00:28:46.890 a moment where she flipped out over some milk tray 702 00:28:46.930 --> 00:28:49.589 and it was called the milk tray moment within the family. 703 00:28:49.609 --> 00:28:51.690 Have you ever had a moment where you flipped out

704 00:28:51.769 --> 00:28:54.549 and it's been reminded to you by the kids? 705 00:28:54.569 --> 00:28:56.730 They've not been brought back because I'm mortified when they 706 00:28:56.759 --> 00:28:58.240 bring the back up and I get angry again. 707 00:28:58.579 --> 00:28:59.559 No, I told you. 708 00:29:00.299 --> 00:29:05.529 LAUGHTER The, just the stubbornness of it. The sheer, there 709 00:29:05.569 --> 00:29:08.809 has been, yeah, there's been certain topics on which I 710 00:29:08.849 --> 00:29:11.559 get very kind of, yeah, that I've said this to 711 00:29:11.579 --> 00:29:14.500 a million times. Could you not do that this way? 712 00:29:15.500 --> 00:29:17.200 You know, it's been like, you know, get your feet 713 00:29:17.420 --> 00:29:18.059 off the table. 714 00:29:18.099 --> 00:29:18.920 We are eating our dinner. 715 00:29:18.940 --> 00:29:22.160 You know, that kind of stuff. Like, how often do 716 00:29:22.180 --> 00:29:23.220 we have to say that to you? 717 00:29:23.299 --> 00:29:25.220 That was the thing. When I was a kid, it 718 00:29:25.259 --> 00:29:27.480 was like elbows off the table was the thing. And 719 00:29:27.539 --> 00:29:30.690 now I'm enforcing... feet off the table. And you're like, 720 00:29:30.910 --> 00:29:35.279 how much have standards dropped in the 20 years since 721 00:29:35.380 --> 00:29:38.710 I was a kid? This was elbow. It's now it's feet. 722 00:29:39.150 --> 00:29:42.619 I had a conversation at tea time today with my daughter, 723 00:29:42.980 --> 00:29:45.079 whose arm was just draped into the middle of the table. 724 00:29:45.960 --> 00:29:47.660 And I went, take your arm off the table. 725 00:29:47.799 --> 00:29:48.440 She said, why? 726 00:29:48.539 --> 00:29:51.480 And we were like, just move slightly further down. It 727 00:29:51.519 --> 00:29:52.299 won't put in on you. 728 00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:53.019 Why? 729 00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:53.319 She said. 730 00:29:53.339 --> 00:29:55.279 And I realized, as I'm trying to give out to her, 731 00:29:55.559 --> 00:29:58.430 I have a routine about it. how stupid the whole 732 00:29:58.589 --> 00:30:01.069 elbows on the table was. Why was that a thing? 733 00:30:02.690 --> 00:30:05.519 And I had a whole routine dissing the elbows on 734 00:30:05.539 --> 00:30:09.099 the table thing. And here I am, gone total full 735 00:30:09.140 --> 00:30:10.019 circle on this. 736 00:30:10.339 --> 00:30:12.460 So do you think you're like your parents? Are you 737 00:30:12.519 --> 00:30:15.680 parenting in the way your parents parented? That's a sentence 738 00:30:15.700 --> 00:30:17.339 I could have said better, surely. 739 00:30:17.559 --> 00:30:19.390 Yeah, I mean, by all means, edit and do it 740 00:30:19.430 --> 00:30:20.349 again if you want to. 741 00:30:20.509 --> 00:30:25.509 You should hear how your dad said that first time. 742 00:30:25.569 --> 00:30:26.450 Running for the family. 743 00:30:27.079 --> 00:30:28.680 Do I? 744 00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:31.140 Yes and no. I mean, they are the model for 745 00:30:31.160 --> 00:30:35.339 certain things, but I'm probably that irritating. Why don't we 746 00:30:35.359 --> 00:30:37.539 think about this kind of thing? No, just tell me 747 00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:40.200 the answer. In that I do, but I'm not sure actually, 748 00:30:40.220 --> 00:30:43.480 because I don't think I've forgotten so much of my childhood. 749 00:30:43.619 --> 00:30:46.839 I had this lovely time, but it wasn't a thing 750 00:30:46.859 --> 00:30:50.269 that I remember really vividly. Do people remember their own 751 00:30:50.289 --> 00:30:51.140 childhood really vividly? 752 00:30:51.309 --> 00:30:54.529 Is that a thing? No, I remember like, the TV 753 00:30:54.589 --> 00:30:56.910 and the computer games more than I remember the actual 754 00:30:56.930 --> 00:30:58.890 experience of being a child, if that makes sense. 755 00:30:59.589 --> 00:31:00.990 It makes perfect sense. I think there's a lot spoken, 756 00:31:01.549 --> 00:31:04.450 whereas I remember everything from 16 on vividly because it 757 00:31:04.470 --> 00:31:06.470 was like at 16, I got to choose everything from 758 00:31:06.509 --> 00:31:10.210 here on in. So therefore, 16 was me. And everything 759 00:31:10.250 --> 00:31:12.829 up to that was the containment of me. So no, 760 00:31:12.950 --> 00:31:16.730 I don't remember specifically how it was in that regard. 761 00:31:17.970 --> 00:31:19.930 My father had a thing where he had a no 762 00:31:19.990 --> 00:31:23.450 raised voice thing, which I completely fucking ignored. the which 763 00:31:23.490 --> 00:31:26.019 was the he had a thing because my father was 764 00:31:26.039 --> 00:31:29.000 a trade union negotiator and he said don't make me 765 00:31:29.220 --> 00:31:32.369 use my trade union voice was a phrase that he 766 00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:34.710 said and we oh trade union face or trade union 767 00:31:34.750 --> 00:31:37.339 voice one of the two either way we never got 768 00:31:37.380 --> 00:31:40.799 to see this mythical Trey Jr. face that he had, 769 00:31:40.859 --> 00:31:44.349 this work face, as stern as possible face that he 770 00:31:44.390 --> 00:31:44.970 could have. 771 00:31:45.009 --> 00:31:46.549 But the good thing about that face is it stops 772 00:31:46.609 --> 00:31:47.769 at quarter past five on a Friday. 773 00:31:47.789 --> 00:31:48.250 Yeah, knocked off. 774 00:31:48.329 --> 00:31:50.170 You don't have to do anything. On the dot. 775 00:31:50.589 --> 00:31:53.509 And so does everything else. When it stops, everything stops. 776 00:31:53.569 --> 00:31:54.930 That was the thing. 777 00:31:54.990 --> 00:31:55.619 That's how it worked. 778 00:31:55.859 --> 00:31:57.700 I asked him years later, he said, no, sure, there's no, 779 00:31:58.019 --> 00:31:58.960 there was no Trey Jr. 780 00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:00.079 He said, there was no. 781 00:32:00.099 --> 00:32:03.039 He just came up with this bluff, you know, you 782 00:32:03.319 -->

00:32:03.880 do not want me. 783 00:32:03.940 --> 00:32:05.480 He bluffed you the whole way through your time? 784 00:32:05.500 --> 00:32:05.960 The whole way through. 785 00:32:06.279 --> 00:32:08.579 That there's another thing, and that happened to be what 786 00:32:08.619 --> 00:32:11.279 he said, you know, don't make me use my work face, 787 00:32:11.319 --> 00:32:12.099 my serious face. 788 00:32:12.359 --> 00:32:14.809 Don't make me use my jungler's Christmas week voice. 789 00:32:15.589 --> 00:32:19.750 That would be our burden. 790 00:32:19.789 --> 00:32:22.589 There's two endos in a free stag news. Listen to 791 00:32:22.630 --> 00:32:23.170 me roar. 792 00:32:24.509 --> 00:32:26.769 Look, you're seeing my stargazing face. You don't see my 793 00:32:26.809 --> 00:32:28.029 mock the week face. 794 00:32:33.990 --> 00:32:36.009 What's your setup, Izzy, just for our listeners? What's the 795 00:32:36.029 --> 00:32:36.690 setup at home? 796 00:32:36.710 --> 00:32:39.190 So the setup is we're in a flat. We're in 797 00:32:39.210 --> 00:32:42.470 a split-level maisonette. We were literally about to start looking 798 00:32:42.509 --> 00:32:45.089 for a house. So we don't have a garden. 799 00:32:45.109 --> 00:32:45.190 Yeah. 800 00:32:46.059 --> 00:32:48.880 We had a bed delivered from Ikea the day before 801 00:32:48.940 --> 00:32:53.220 lockdown started, which is in the dining room in. 802 00:32:54.220 --> 00:32:55.059 About, I'd say. 803 00:32:55.059 --> 00:33:00.809 12 different boxes you can't even walk to the printer 804 00:33:00.849 --> 00:33:02.400 or open the window. 805 00:33:02.769 --> 00:33:05.930 Oh no you're there with ellis your partner and your 806 00:33:06.269 --> 00:33:08.210 two children what ages are your children. 807 00:33:08.109 --> 00:33:10.529 So they're 5 and. 808 00:33:09.950 --> 00:33:12.630 15 months oh that is that's that's tough. 809 00:33:12.549 --> 00:33:15.539 You know what right the five-year-old was always such a 810 00:33:15.539 --> 00:33:17.299 good sleeper and we were so kind of like we 811 00:33:17.319 --> 00:33:25.009 were like it's good we're so chilled such bullshit like 812 00:33:25.650 --> 00:33:28.309 I'm not chilled anyway I really pretend that I am 813 00:33:28.470 --> 00:33:30.690 but inside I'm like oh my god was that fish. 814 00:33:30.549 --> 00:33:31.869 Off and I've just cooked it I'm gonna give everyone 815 00:33:31.910 --> 00:33:32.730 food poisoning. 816 00:33:32.450 --> 00:33:34.750 And everyone's gonna die like that is my internal monologue 817 00:33:34.769 --> 00:33:35.990 quite a lot of time like I'm like yeah I'm 818 00:33:36.029 --> 00:33:41.279 so chilled I'm so Like, it's just not true that 819 00:33:41.640 --> 00:33:43.960 anything rubbed off on her. It was just her personality. 820 00:33:44.359 --> 00:33:49.480 So with him, like, he is such a shit sleeper. Like, 821 00:33:49.559 --> 00:33:51.539 the only thing that gets me through lockdown is the 822 00:33:51.599 --> 00:33:53.640 idea that if he was a newborn and we were 823 00:33:53.660 --> 00:33:59.890 in lockdown, it would be worse. LAUGHTER You know when 824 00:33:59.910 --> 00:34:02.980 you make yourself feel better by thinking, well, at least 825 00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:05.660 it's not. Like he used to wake up every 45 826 00:34:05.660 --> 00:34:08.420 minutes every night and then wake up the day at 827 00:34:08.460 --> 00:34:13.639 like four. So finally he started sleeping through the night, 828 00:34:13.980 --> 00:34:18.000 probably only about two or three months before lockdown began, right? 829 00:34:18.019 --> 00:34:18.260 Yeah. 830 00:34:18.940 --> 00:34:22.210 So he sleeps through the night in inverted commas, then 831 00:34:22.269 --> 00:34:24.090 wakes up normally at 4.30 for the day. 832 00:34:26.429 --> 00:34:28.869 Oh, and so what do you do with your time 833 00:34:28.929 --> 00:34:29.550 at that point? 834 00:34:30.070 --> 00:34:32.829 So the arrangement is, and this was never talked about, 835 00:34:32.849 --> 00:34:38.869 Ellis does every single morning and wakes me up at 8.30am. 836 00:34:38.889 --> 00:34:42.599 And in return, I do all the cooking and cleaning 837 00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:43.500 and tidying. 838 00:34:45.500 --> 00:34:55.909 That's an unspoken arrangement it just. 839 00:34:53.900 --> 00:34:57.789 Slowly came about and he was like But you know what? 840 00:34:57.809 --> 00:34:59.449 I may as well do the morning tomorrow because I'm 841 00:34:59.469 --> 00:35:02.130 already tired. And by the way, that sea bass with 842 00:35:02.210 --> 00:35:06.019 ginger was really nice. And then slowly but surely, I 843 00:35:06.059 --> 00:35:08.820 became really anal about doing a weekly shop, which I've 844 00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:12.139 never done in my life. My mum's always been saying 845 00:35:12.239 --> 00:35:14.420 to me, you should start doing a weekly shop and 846 00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:17.039 planning meals, darling. I've been like, no way. I'll just 847 00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:22.349 take life as it comes. And now, because obviously no 848 00:35:22.389 --> 00:35:23.909 one wants to go in shops unless they have to 849 00:35:23.929 --> 00:35:26.360 and all that. I am so anal about the weekly 850 00:35:26.380 --> 00:35:28.840 shop and I even ordered like two chocolate oranges last 851 00:35:28.900 --> 00:35:31.449 week and then was like, um, you can only eat 852 00:35:31.489 --> 00:35:35.570 a quarter tonight because it's got elastis for like three 853 00:35:35.630 --> 00:35:38.769 quarters in what the same night hunched over the kitchen sink. Um, 854 00:35:43.789 --> 00:35:46.130 basically so I'm in charge of like the running of 855 00:35:46.190 --> 00:35:48.730 the house in the way like we were I guess 856 00:35:48.769 --> 00:35:51.659 sort of like you know in maybe our grandparents generation 857 00:35:51.699 --> 00:35:54.000 and obviously some women are in our generation but certainly 858 00:35:54.059 --> 00:35:57.139 not really

any women I know um so it's like 859 00:35:57.199 --> 00:35:58.500 it it's quite. 860 00:35:58.260 --> 00:36:00.909 Weird I'm gonna say I don't know where Rob is 861 00:36:00.969 --> 00:36:04.469 on this I would 100% take your side of the 862 00:36:04.489 --> 00:36:05.809 deal What about you, Rob? 863 00:36:05.829 --> 00:36:07.230 Yeah, what do you think, Rob? 864 00:36:07.309 --> 00:36:08.750 And in a minute, I'll also give you a few 865 00:36:08.789 --> 00:36:11.070 details about what my job entails. 866 00:36:11.309 --> 00:36:11.630 Yes, okay. 867 00:36:11.670 --> 00:36:12.530 Just to make sure. 868 00:36:12.809 --> 00:36:16.239 Well, I think I can see the logic, but it's 869 00:36:16.360 --> 00:36:17.460 such an early. 870 00:36:17.219 --> 00:36:19.619 Start for 30am. If it was like they. 871 00:36:19.539 --> 00:36:21.320 Got up at six-ish or whatever, and then he dealt 872 00:36:21.340 --> 00:36:23.360 with the kids every morning, but he's like getting up 873 00:36:23.400 --> 00:36:25.719 like he's doing a radio breakfast show. 874 00:36:25.739 --> 00:36:25.820 Yeah. 875 00:36:26.719 --> 00:36:30.829 It's so hard. So what time is he going to 876 00:36:30.849 --> 00:36:31.250 bed then? 877 00:36:31.469 --> 00:36:32.969 In the olden days, Ellis used to be the one 878 00:36:33.010 --> 00:36:35.050 going to bed at two, even once we'd had kids. 879 00:36:35.070 --> 00:36:36.260 Yeah, he was always a night owl. 880 00:36:36.610 --> 00:36:39.210 Yeah, he really was, wasn't he? So he's totally changed. Like, 881 00:36:39.510 --> 00:36:41.469 he's in bed with the light out by half ten. 882 00:36:41.969 --> 00:36:42.349 Yeah. 883 00:36:42.489 --> 00:36:45.239 And he's responded really well to lockdown as well. Like, 884 00:36:45.320 --> 00:36:48.519 he's like, he doesn't care. He's just like, as long 885 00:36:48.539 --> 00:36:54.510 as I've got my history books. LAUGHTER He genuinely doesn't 886 00:36:54.550 --> 00:36:56.590 care if he sees me or not. He cares if 887 00:36:56.610 --> 00:36:58.710 he sees the kids, but he wants to see me 888 00:36:58.750 --> 00:37:01.010 a little bit, you know, like maybe 20 minutes a day, 889 00:37:01.090 --> 00:37:01.780 but that's it. 890 00:37:01.760 --> 00:37:04.420 You know. You're too busy cooking and cleaning. 891 00:37:04.519 --> 00:37:05.139 Well, exactly. 892 00:37:05.179 --> 00:37:10.340 I do not like getting the chimney sweep out. 893 00:37:10.440 --> 00:37:12.809 What I discovered was I was actually, once I was up, 894 00:37:12.989 --> 00:37:14.889 once I had a cup of coffee, I was all right. 895 00:37:15.030 --> 00:37:17.090 And then I would have this dip at about 6.15pm. 896 00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:23.980 i mean pretty much to the second which used to 897 00:37:24.320 --> 00:37:27.619 which used to match their bath time so baths should 898 00:37:27.639 --> 00:37:29.059 be fun but that was when i was at my 899 00:37:29.119 --> 00:37:32.860 most tired and what i found then was it was 900 00:37:32.940 -->

00:37:34.539 too late to have a tea or a coffee because 901 00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:35.840 that would keep me awake so obviously i've got to 902 00:37:35.860 --> 00:37:38.059 go to bed so early so i would just they 903 00:37:38.099 --> 00:37:40.480 would just have a really grumpy bath every night. 904 00:37:41.940 --> 00:37:43.420 What time are you going to bed al. 905 00:37:43.820 --> 00:37:46.679 I would try and go to bed at around 10 906 00:37:46.679 --> 00:37:48.880 as anyone who knows me you'll know this i i'm 907 00:37:48.920 --> 00:37:52.860 an an extreme night owl and always had been, even 908 00:37:52.900 --> 00:37:56.059 when Betty was little. And stand-up used to keep me 909 00:37:56.079 --> 00:37:58.239 awake as well. And even when I stopped doing as 910 00:37:58.280 --> 00:38:01.280 much stand-up, I still had a stand-up body clock. But 911 00:38:01.429 --> 00:38:04.949 that has now finally been broken by lockdown. So I 912 00:38:05.010 --> 00:38:07.309 tried to go to bed at about 10. But I'd 913 00:38:07.329 --> 00:38:12.510 have this dip at about 6.15. And it was too 914 00:38:12.530 --> 00:38:16.039 late to have a tear of coffee. So Betty'd splash me. 915 00:38:16.710 --> 00:38:19.329 And instead of smashing her back, I'd be like, you what, mate? 916 00:38:24.030 --> 00:38:28.349 What's your problem? What is your problem? So like Groundhog Day, 917 00:38:29.250 --> 00:38:35.059 now I find this film incredibly poignant because every day 918 00:38:35.699 --> 00:38:36.860 was exactly the same. 919 00:38:37.159 --> 00:38:38.260 And how does it feel now? 920 00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:41.400 Well, they went back to the childminder and Betty went 921 00:38:41.420 --> 00:38:45.280 back to school. So during his nap, which was when 922 00:38:45.320 --> 00:38:47.630 I used to do all of my work, I could 923 00:38:47.710 --> 00:38:50.030 fit an enormous amount into that nap. 924 00:38:50.429 --> 00:38:51.889 Oh, you must have been so tired. 925 00:38:52.150 --> 00:38:54.650 Well, I mean, the really pathetic thing is that we 926 00:38:54.670 --> 00:38:56.550 were watching. So then we'd get them to bed at 927 00:38:56.610 --> 00:39:01.030 about eight o'clock and then we'd have eaten. And we 928 00:39:01.050 --> 00:39:04.989 were trying to watch normal people. The episodes are less 929 00:39:05.030 --> 00:39:08.579 than 30 minutes. We were doing 10 minutes a night 930 00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:11.000 with the caveat that I had to be in the mood. 931 00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:19.159 10 minutes. So what were you doing with your two 932 00:39:19.179 --> 00:39:20.050 hours to yourself? 933 00:39:20.750 --> 00:39:25.250 I'd stare a lot. And reading, I used to unwind 934 00:39:25.289 --> 00:39:28.590 better reading than watching telly for some reason. And also, 935 00:39:28.610 --> 00:39:30.519 I didn't want to go on my phone reading. after 936 00:39:30.539 --> 00:39:32.659 about quarter to nine because the screen used to keep 937 00:39:32.679 --> 00:39:35.110 me

awake. Because being a night owl, what I used 938 00:39:35.130 --> 00:39:38.570 to find is even when Betty was very tired, I mean, 939 00:39:38.610 --> 00:39:40.269 even when Betty was waking up very early when she 940 00:39:40.289 --> 00:39:42.969 was little, I'd get this second wind in the evening, 941 00:39:43.489 --> 00:39:45.789 no matter how tired I was. So I've really got 942 00:39:45.809 --> 00:39:48.760 to try and avoid that because... If I had two 943 00:39:48.780 --> 00:39:51.639 hours sleep at night, as soon as it gets to 944 00:39:51.659 --> 00:39:54.219 about eight o'clock, I actually feel all right. Whereas I 945 00:39:54.239 --> 00:39:56.820 felt sluggish all day. So I'm really trying to avoid 946 00:39:56.980 --> 00:39:59.699 getting that second wind or I'll end up watching a 947 00:39:59.739 --> 00:40:01.139 film or something and go to bed too late. 948 00:40:01.179 --> 00:40:04.519 How was your first day of the childminder and back 949 00:40:04.559 --> 00:40:06.059 to school where you had the day to yourself? 950 00:40:06.420 --> 00:40:14.320 I felt like I'd won 50 million pounds. I just 951 00:40:14.440 --> 00:40:21.639 could not believe it. 952 00:40:21.900 --> 00:40:23.199 953 00:40:23.239 --> 00:40:25.780 954 00:40:26.219 --> 00:40:27.139 955 00:40:27.159 --> 00:40:28.599 956 00:40:28.619 --> 00:40:30.559 957 00:40:30.579 --> 00:40:31.639 958 00:40:31.659 --> 00:40:33.139 959 00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:35.599 960 00:40:35.619 --> 00:40:37.099 961 00:40:37.119 --> 00:40:38.510 962 00:40:38.550 --> 00:40:39.710 . 963 00:40:41.130 --> 00:40:42.750 . 964 00:40:42.730 --> 00:40:43.530 965 00:40:44.210 --> 00:40:46.849 966 00:40:46.869 --> 00:40:49.170 People 967 00:40:49.210 --> 00:40:52.829 of our age who don't have children, their weekends, two 968 00:40:52.909 --> 00:40:53.630 whole days. 969 00:40:54.130 --> 00:40:57.329 I find it mad that people have their weekends. 970 00:40:57.909 --> 00:40:58.510 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 971 00:40:58.829 --> 00:41:04.210 The thought of just sitting and enjoy. I used to 972 00:41:04.269 --> 00:41:05.570 enjoy a hangover. 973 00:41:05.789 --> 00:41:07.639 Yes, yeah, that's a big thing. 974 00:41:07.659 --> 00:41:11.940 I used to kind of thrive on watching the football 975 00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:16.159 on a hangover and making waffles and beans for breakfast 976 00:41:16.219 --> 00:41:17.239 on a hangover. Do you know what I mean? 977 00:41:17.320 --> 00:41:18.559 I find it funny. 978 00:41:19.360 --> 00:41:19.639 Yeah. 979 00:41:20.340 --> 00:41:24.130 That was the thing. If I was a bit useless 980 00:41:24.150 --> 00:41:26.030 because I was hungover, I was like, oh, God, sorry, 981 00:41:26.050 --> 00:41:29.730 I'm hungover. Whereas now I'm like, great, I'm ruining lives. 982 00:41:29.869 --> 00:41:35.219 I've ruined my life. Because I had four cans, now 983 00:41:35.239 --> 00:41:36.599 she's crying and I'm crying. 984 00:41:36.780 --> 00:41:37.179 Great. 985 00:41:39.440 --> 00:41:41.679 Also, as well, it's like you're paranoid the whole time. Like, well, 986 00:41:41.780 --> 00:41:43.360 I don't feel bad, but when will I feel bad? 987 00:41:43.659 --> 00:41:45.699 Will I feel bad when it's the worst part of 988 00:41:45.719 --> 00:41:46.460 the day? 989 00:41:46.940 --> 00:41:52.500 They're completely psychological now. Oh, you're one of those dads. Oh, 990 00:41:52.539 --> 00:41:54.400 you're a beer and moretti dad. 991 00:41:54.460 --> 00:41:56.539 Yeah, yeah. 992 00:41:57.679 --> 00:41:59.760 Kids are in bed, eight cans by the side of 993 00:41:59.780 --> 00:42:01.170 the side. 994 00:42:01.829 --> 00:42:04.230 Do you think Izzy was worried about you coming on 995 00:42:04.250 --> 00:42:05.369 this podcast, Ellis? 996 00:42:05.789 --> 00:42:09.670 No, I don't think so. I listen to it and 997 00:42:10.570 --> 00:42:14.860 it's quite funny hearing her talk about me when I'm 998 00:42:14.920 --> 00:42:17.309 not in the room. Because for a kick-off, she does 999 00:42:17.329 --> 00:42:21.550 an absolutely terrible impression of a Welsh accent. And she 1000 00:42:21.590 --> 00:42:24.469 took 10 minutes to practice it. The thing she mentioned, 1001 00:42:24.510 --> 00:42:27.190 which I had forgotten about, I listened to her one 1002 00:42:27.230 --> 00:42:30.909 of these quite recently, was I was initially shielding, so 1003 00:42:31.239 --> 00:42:32.719 I wasn't allowed out of the house at all. So 1004 00:42:32.739 --> 00:42:35.260 I used to sit on the window, on the windowsill, 1005 00:42:35.420 --> 00:42:40.420 to try and get vitamin D like a cat. And 1006 00:42:40.960 --> 00:42:43.579 I used to think this was a good aspect of 1007 00:42:43.619 --> 00:42:47.340 my personality, but I have now reviewed this and I 1008 00:42:47.409 --> 00:42:49.829 don't think that it is anymore. I would say I've 1009 00:42:49.849 --> 00:42:57.489 got an almost superhuman ability to adopt my situation, in 1010 00:42:57.530 --> 00:43:01.489 this case, complete lockdown because of coronavirus, and then find 1011 00:43:01.530 --> 00:43:06.630 it completely impossible to imagine an alternative. So I actually 1012 00:43:06.710 --> 00:43:09.789 wasn't that unhappy. I was like, oh, well, I'm unable 1013 00:43:09.809 --> 00:43:10.349 to leave the house. 1014 00:43:10.829 --> 00:43:12.590 LAUGHTER That's my life now. 1015 00:43:12.880 --> 00:43:13.639 That's my life now. 1016 00:43:13.920 --> 00:43:16.920 And did you feel jealous of other people who weren't 1017 00:43:17.059 --> 00:43:20.139 shielding and didn't have a child waking up at half four? 1018 00:43:20.699 --> 00:43:24.530 If I had been a character in the TV show Lost, 1019 00:43:25.139 --> 00:43:27.650 I would be the bloke who was quite happy to 1020 00:43:27.710 --> 00:43:30.550 bed down for the night under the shattered wing of 1021 00:43:30.590 --> 00:43:37.699

a stricken aeroplane. Oh, well. This is my life now. 1022 00:43:37.780 --> 00:43:42.059 I live under a wing. I mean, the problem with 1023 00:43:42.239 --> 00:43:44.780 that aspect of my personality is that it means you 1024 00:43:44.860 --> 00:43:49.320 almost never try to better your set of circumstances. Oh, well. 1025 00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:54.599 So I wasn't particularly unhappy, if I'm honest. Obviously, I 1026 00:43:54.619 --> 00:43:58.639 was worried for people who were vulnerable and that kind 1027 00:43:58.659 --> 00:44:03.929 of stuff. And also, we don't have a garden. But again, 1028 00:44:03.949 --> 00:44:07.650 in that whole thing of feeling unable to imagine an 1029 00:44:07.730 --> 00:44:12.329 alternative for my situation, Izzy every day would go, God, 1030 00:44:12.389 --> 00:44:14.710 I wish we had a garden. And I'd say, why 1031 00:44:14.730 --> 00:44:16.829 are you complaining about it? It's like, we can't do 1032 00:44:16.849 --> 00:44:19.739 anything about it. It's like me complaining about my height. 1033 00:44:20.199 --> 00:44:23.139 And she'd say, well, if we can, we could buy 1034 00:44:23.159 --> 00:44:25.719 another house. And I'd be like, I didn't start this 1035 00:44:25.760 --> 00:44:30.059 conversation to look at solutions, actually. I don't want to 1036 00:44:30.099 --> 00:44:31.280 talk about solutions. 1037 00:44:30.940 --> 00:44:31.380 Now, actually. 1038 00:44:32.530 --> 00:44:34.630 So that was, if we'd had a garden, it would 1039 00:44:34.650 --> 00:44:35.710 have been so much easier. 1040 00:44:35.929 --> 00:44:39.210 How's, because you're obviously, I'm loathe to describe you as 1041 00:44:39.230 --> 00:44:42.780 a professional Welshman, but you're certainly getting there. Yeah, yeah. Well, 1042 00:44:42.820 --> 00:44:44.659 how does it feel bringing up your children in South 1043 00:44:44.739 --> 00:44:45.320 East London? 1044 00:44:45.460 --> 00:44:48.840 It's weird in the sense that I spoke Welsh at home. 1045 00:44:48.860 --> 00:44:50.980 I didn't speak English to my parents. Obviously, I can 1046 00:44:51.000 --> 00:44:55.760 speak English. This isn't a struggle. But I went to 1047 00:44:55.800 --> 00:44:58.159 a Welsh school and I spoke Welsh to my sisters 1048 00:44:58.199 --> 00:45:00.760 and my mum and dad and my grandparents. So it 1049 00:45:01.000 --> 00:45:04.150 is slightly weird. I do find it weird. When I 1050 00:45:04.190 --> 00:45:07.639 go into my daughter's primary school, all the stuff on 1051 00:45:08.070 --> 00:45:12.320 the walls about leaves and frost, it always causes me 1052 00:45:12.360 --> 00:45:13.260 to do a double take. 1053 00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:14.519 Doesn't have enough L's in it. 1054 00:45:14.940 --> 00:45:15.099 No. 1055 00:45:16.579 --> 00:45:18.199 That would look like I could read it. Hang on. 1056 00:45:19.699 --> 00:45:21.539 Too easy, eh? Way too easy. 1057 00:45:22.519 --> 00:45:25.510 The fact that it's not in Welsh always causes me 1058 00:45:25.550 --> 00:45:29.769 to go, oh. And that is a thing I found weirdest, 1059 00:45:29.789 --> 00:45:29.929 I think. 1060 00:45:29.949 --> 00:45:30.789 What about their accents? 1061 00:45:31.230 --> 00:45:33.429 Well, I mean... I don't know if Fizzy, I can't 1062 00:45:33.449 --> 00:45:37.090 remember if Fizzy mentioned this, but our childminder is from 1063 00:45:37.139 --> 00:45:41.480 Peckham and is in her 50s, right? So she sounds 1064 00:45:41.500 --> 00:45:48.199 like Rob, which means my daughter sounds like Rob. And 1065 00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:50.840 that is endlessly entertaining to me. 1066 00:45:51.199 --> 00:45:53.199 Is there a certain phrase or word that just gets 1067 00:45:53.219 --> 00:45:53.760 you every time? 1068 00:45:53.969 --> 00:45:56.349 What her childminder does is her childminder doesn't talk down 1069 00:45:56.369 --> 00:45:58.329 to them, so just talks to the children like she 1070 00:45:58.369 --> 00:46:01.409 would to an adult. But it meant that because Betty 1071 00:46:01.449 --> 00:46:03.949 started speaking very early on, she was quite slow at walking, 1072 00:46:03.969 --> 00:46:06.889 but she was very, very verbal. So she would speak 1073 00:46:07.550 --> 00:46:10.440 like a little adult, like a little cockney adult. And 1074 00:46:10.500 --> 00:46:14.159 she'd say, go and pick her up. And she'd drop 1075 00:46:14.199 --> 00:46:16.019 her pens or something, or pencils. 1076 00:46:16.039 --> 00:46:18.019 She'd go, I've had a right nightmare! 1077 00:46:20.809 --> 00:46:24.889 I remember looking at the snow and going, that is magical. 1078 00:46:25.070 --> 00:46:28.190 Look at that. 1079 00:46:28.210 --> 00:46:29.150 She's a bit older now. 1080 00:46:29.190 --> 00:46:31.639 She'll say things like, speaking of which. 1081 00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:39.599 He turned round to me and said... Yeah, yeah. 1082 00:46:41.360 --> 00:46:43.780 That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be 1083 00:46:43.800 --> 00:46:44.530 back next week. 1084 00:46:44.909 --> 00:46:45.269 MUSIC