บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Xylophone Xenophobia Exterminated

Judgment about your life choices. 61 00:04:37,087 --> 00:04:39,547 Speaker1: In summary then, foggy bottoms, 62 00:04:39,827 --> 00:04:44,487 Speaker3: Wet middles and frozen tops, rather like a badly defrosted 63 00:04:44,487 --> 00:04:46,867 Speaker1: Christmas pudding and that's all the weather. 64 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:56,240 Music 65 00:04:58,605 --> 00:05:05,685 Speaker6: 1470. And now, history's pages turn to the year 1470, when Emperor Le Tantong 66 00:05:05,685 --> 00:05:11,285 Speaker6: of Dai Viet decided diplomacy was for amateurs, and launched a colossal military 67 00:05:11,285 --> 00:05:13,565 Speaker6: campaign against the Kingdom of Champa. 68 00:05:14,025 --> 00:05:19,585 Speaker6: Champa's capital, Vijaya, was captured, its autonomy reduced to a vassal state, 69 00:05:19,785 --> 00:05:23,945 Speaker6: and its institutions left looking like a particularly aggressive yard sale. 70 00:05:25,045 --> 00:05:30,145 Speaker6: Trade routes. resources, and a clash of Buddhist versus Hindu-Buddhist ideals 71 00:05:30,145 --> 00:05:36,205 Speaker6: all played their part, cementing Dai Viet's regional dominance and Champa's unfortunate decline. 72 00:05:36,805 --> 00:05:39,725 Speaker6: Brian Bastable has more from the ancient battlefield. 73 00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:47,065 Speaker2: This is Brian Bastable reporting from the blood-soaked shores of ancient Champa, 74 00:05:47,285 --> 00:05:51,265 Speaker2: where Emperor Lathan Tong's quarter-million-strong army has just crashed through 75 00:05:51,265 --> 00:05:55,585 Speaker2: the jungle like an angry rhinoceros with a particularly nasty head cold. 76 00:05:57,225 --> 00:06:01,825 Speaker2: The air is thick with arrows and I've just watched three men being catapulted 77 00:06:01,825 --> 00:06:03,185 Speaker2: over the walls of Vijaya. 78 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,565 Speaker2: One was playing a lute on the way down. 79 00:06:05,805 --> 00:06:08,105 Speaker0: Quite remarkable composure, really. 80 00:06:10,105 --> 00:06:14,045 Speaker2: The Dai Viet forces are using these fascinating new weapons. 81 00:06:14,365 --> 00:06:20,425 Speaker2: Just yesterday I saw a man's pagoda blown clean off. Speaking of which, there goes another one. 82 00:06:21,165 --> 00:06:21,765 Speaker1: Explosion. 83 00:06:24,354 --> 00:06:29,054 Speaker2: The naval force is absolutely massive, I counted them out and I counted them 84 00:06:29,054 --> 00:06:34,854 Speaker2: back in, though I must admit counting becomes rather difficult when you're dodging flaming projectiles. 85 00:06:35,114 --> 00:06:37,234 Speaker2: One just singed my eyebrows. 86 00:06:37,514 --> 00:06:41,314 Speaker2: Adds a rather rakish quality to my appearance I must say. 87 00:06:43,294 --> 00:06:47,514 Speaker2: The Cham defenders are putting up a spirited resistance but it's like watching 88 00:06:47,514 --> 00:06:52,294 Speaker2: a butterfly I fight a steamroller, a very angry, well-organized steamroller 89 00:06:52,294 --> 00:06:54,954 Speaker2: with 250,000 moving parts. 90 00:06:56,934 --> 00:07:01,334 Speaker2: Oh, there goes the temple, and the palace, and my left shoe. 91 00:07:01,614 --> 00:07:06,774 Speaker2: The Hindu-Buddhist artifacts are being scattered like confetti at a particularly violent wedding. 92 00:07:08,814 --> 00:07:13,594 Speaker2: This is rapidly becoming less of a battle and more of a complete dismantling, 93 00:07:13,914 --> 00:07:18,334 Speaker2: rather like watching someone take apart a jigsaw puzzle with a battering ram. 94 00:07:21,054 --> 00:07:26,294 Speaker2: Brian Bastable, newsbang, ducking for cover behind what used to be the royal 95 00:07:26,294 --> 00:07:30,114 Speaker2: throne, now being used as a rather elaborate doorstop. 96 00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,754 Speaker3: 1912 A momentous 97 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:39,194 Speaker1: Occasion from this day in 1912 as 83 delegates gathered in Vlor to declare Albania's 98 00:07:39,194 --> 00:07:41,054 Speaker1: independence from the Ottoman Empire. 99 00:07:41,434 --> 00:07:46,134 Speaker1: Amid the chaos of the Balkan Wars, Albania boldly stepped into the spotlight, 100 00:07:46,454 --> 00:07:50,794 Speaker1: supported by Austria, Hungary and Italy, while Russia and Serbia looked on with 101 00:07:50,794 --> 00:07:52,494 Speaker1: furrowed brows and clenched fists. 102 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:58,114 Speaker1: The great powers eventually nodded in agreement, but the fledgling nation faced 103 00:07:58,114 --> 00:08:01,094 Speaker1: the Herculean task of building a state from Ottoman rubble. 104 00:08:01,534 --> 00:08:05,854 Speaker1: Hardeman Pesto is in vlor to dig into the details of this historic declaration 105 00:08:05,854 --> 00:08:08,374 Speaker1: and the aftermath. Hardeman, 106 00:08:09,384 --> 00:08:13,784 Speaker1: Yes, Martin, I'm here in Vlor, where the mood is absolutely electric. 107 00:08:14,144 --> 00:08:19,604 Speaker1: I'm standing with Professor Artemis Chalkdust, expert in Ottoman decline and decay. 108 00:08:20,164 --> 00:08:22,744 Speaker3: Actually, it's Professor Alexandra Chalkdust. 109 00:08:22,944 --> 00:08:24,824 Speaker1: Pesto, what's the situation there? 110 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:27,244 Speaker0: Well, Martin, as you can see behind me. 111 00:08:27,624 --> 00:08:31,784 Speaker1: 83 delegates have just signed the declaration. The Ottoman Empire is finished 112 00:08:31,784 --> 00:08:35,004 Speaker1: here, kaput, done and dusted. And what's the Turkish response? 113 00:08:35,384 --> 00:08:37,484 Speaker1: They're taking it rather well, actually. 114 00:08:37,924 --> 00:08:40,324 Speaker1: Very sporting. That's completely incorrect. 115 00:08:40,484 --> 00:08:41,324 Speaker3: The Ottomans are furious. 116 00:08:41,464 --> 00:08:44,704 Speaker1: Well, that's your opinion, Professor, but I've just had lunch with the Turkish 117 00:08:44,704 --> 00:08:47,604 Speaker1: ambassador, and he seemed perfectly cheerful. 118 00:08:47,884 --> 00:08:49,984 Speaker1: Did you really

have lunch with the Turkish ambassador? 119 00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:52,404 Speaker1: Yes, lovely chap. Had the fish. 120 00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:56,724 Speaker1: The Turkish ambassador was recalled to Constantinople three days ago. 121 00:08:57,024 --> 00:09:00,404 Speaker1: Well, that explains why he was in such a hurry to leave the restaurant. 122 00:09:01,184 --> 00:09:05,464 Speaker1: Pesto. What's that sound behind you? That's just the celebrations, Martin. 123 00:09:05,824 --> 00:09:11,724 Speaker1: Bit of local colour. Those are artillery shells. traditional Albanian firecrackers. Very festive. 124 00:09:12,204 --> 00:09:16,504 Speaker1: And where exactly are you right now? I'm in the assembly hall where... This is impossible. 125 00:09:16,744 --> 00:09:17,924 Speaker5: The assembly hall was cleared 126 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,204 Speaker1: Hours ago due to the shelling. Well, as you can see, Martin, 127 00:09:21,404 --> 00:09:24,444 Speaker1: I'm getting some excellent coverage of this historic moment. 128 00:09:24,744 --> 00:09:26,264 Speaker1: Back to you in the studio. 129 00:09:26,844 --> 00:09:32,764 Speaker1: Pesto, are you actually in Albania? Define in. That's Hardeman Pesto, allegedly in Vlor. 130 00:09:33,244 --> 00:09:37,324 Speaker1: Coming up after the break, why did Napoleon really lose at Waterloo? 131 00:09:38,064 --> 00:09:40,104 Speaker1: Our man in Belgium blames the sandwiches. 132 00:09:41,404 --> 00:09:42,044 Speaker3: 1925. 133 00:09:42,284 --> 00:09:48,784 Speaker6: A seismic shift in the airwaves occurred this day in 1925, as Nashville's WSM 134 00:09:48,784 --> 00:09:54,544 Speaker6: barn dance fiddled its way into history, led by 77-year-old Uncle Jimmy Thompson. 135 00:09:55,164 --> 00:10:00,144 Speaker6: With a 5,000-watt signal so powerful it could probably cook breakfast in Boston, 136 00:10:00,544 --> 00:10:05,444 Speaker6: the broadcast marked the dawn of what would later be known as the Grand Ole Opry. 137 00:10:05,444 --> 00:10:11,984 Speaker6: Nashville, henceforth dubbed Music City, became the epicenter of country music. 138 00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,458 Speaker0: For more on this twangy tale. 139 00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:16,438 Speaker6: We turn to Melody Wintergreen. 140 00:10:19,518 --> 00:10:26,478 Speaker5: Nashville, Tennessee, 1925. Melody Wintergreen here, at the birthplace of country 141 00:10:26,478 --> 00:10:30,518 Speaker5: music, where the fiddles are tuning up, the banjos are a-plunking, 142 00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:32,478 Speaker5: and history is about to be made. 143 00:10:35,878 --> 00:10:41,898 Speaker5: Tonight, the WSM barn dance is taking to the airwaves, And thanks to a 5,000-watt 144 00:10:41,898 --> 00:10:43,778 Speaker5: signal, folks from Maine to 145 00:10:43,778 --> 00:10:48,018 Speaker5: Mississippi are about to get a taste of that sweet, sweet country sound. 146 00:10:48,498 --> 00:10:53,978 Speaker5: Leading the charge is 77-year-old Uncle Jimmy Thompson, a fiddler whose bow

147 00:10:53,978 --> 00:10:57,298 Speaker5: can make a grown man weep, or at least tap his foot. 148 00:11:01,258 --> 00:11:05,958 Speaker5: This ain't your grandpappy's hoedown, folks. This is the dawn of a new era, 149 00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,138 Speaker5: the birth of the Grand Ole Opry. 150 00:11:08,718 --> 00:11:13,398 Speaker5: George D. Hay, the visionary behind it all, is about to transform this humble 151 00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:17,518 Speaker5: barn dance into a national phenomenon, a cultural touchstone, 152 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:22,898 Speaker5: a place where rhinestone cowboys and heartbroken crooners will become legends. 153 00:11:27,398 --> 00:11:32,898 Speaker5: Nashville, get ready for your close-up. You're about to become Music City, 154 00:11:33,138 --> 00:11:39,178 Speaker5: the heart and soul of country music, the place where dreams are made and broken, often in the same song. 155 00:11:42,718 --> 00:11:46,578 Speaker5: From Uncle Jimmy's fiddle to the rhinestone-studded stage of the Opry, 156 00:11:46,798 --> 00:11:50,018 Speaker5: it's a journey from humble beginnings to iconic status, 157 00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:54,098 Speaker5: the Grand Ole Opry, a testament to the power of music to unite, 158 00:11:54,318 --> 00:11:58,538 Speaker5: inspire, and make you want to grab your partner and do see dough. 159 00:11:59,338 --> 00:12:03,738 Speaker5: Melody Wintergreen, Newsbang, from Nashville, where the music is playing, 160 00:12:03,738 --> 00:12:06,698 Speaker5: The stories are flowing and the twang is strong. 161 00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:16,378 Speaker3: Audio Newsbang. Serving a strictly fact-based breakfast of champions every day. 162 00:12:18,018 --> 00:12:21,958 Speaker3: Brequit in my destooker seal. A chitin 95. 163 00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:28,518 Speaker1: Ryder Boff, our man with a racket for recounting the absurdities of sport, takes us now to Chicago. 164 00:12:29,378 --> 00:12:33,858 Speaker1: 1895, where wheels met chaos in America's first automobile race. 165 00:12:39,605 --> 00:12:44,385 Speaker3: And now, broadcasting live from Chicago in 1895, where the first American automobile 166 00:12:44,385 --> 00:12:48,085 Speaker3: race has just concluded in conditions that would make a polar bear reach for 167 00:12:48,085 --> 00:12:49,305 Speaker3: its thermal underpants. 168 00:12:49,505 --> 00:12:52,905 Speaker3: Six mechanical contraptions, looking like the bastard offspring of a garden 169 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:57,865 Speaker3: shed and a steam locomotive, battled it out over 54 miles of treacherous terrain. 170 00:13:01,185 --> 00:13:05,465 Speaker3: And they're off. Or rather, they're slowly chugging along, like a line of particularly 171 00:13:05,465 --> 00:13:08,965 Speaker3: asthmatic tortoises. Duria's spluttering duchess is in the lead, 172 00:13:09,065 --> 00:13:11,025 Speaker3: although spluttering is putting it mildly. 173 00:13:11,205 --> 00:13:14,605 Speaker3: It sounds like a hippopotamus with a bad case of the hiccups. 174 00:13:14,805 --> 00:13:17,405 Speaker3: And behind him, oh dear, is that smoke. 175 00:13:17,665 --> 00:13:21,425 Speaker3: Yes, I believe Throttle Bunny's mechanical marvel is spontaneously combusting. 176 00:13:24,965 --> 00:13:29,805 Speaker3: Someone fetch a fire extinguisher, or perhaps a bucket of water and a large handkerchief. 177 00:13:30,025 --> 00:13:33,005 Speaker3: This is more exciting than a ferret race down a trouser leg. 178 00:13:36,545 --> 00:13:40,025 Speaker3: Frank Duria's motorised wagon, nicknamed the Spluttering Duchess, 179 00:13:40,305 --> 00:13:43,365 Speaker3: took first place despite resembling something my Aunt Mabel might have cobbled 180 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:45,045 Speaker3: together after too much sherry trifle. 181 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:50,205 Speaker3: The winning machine featured what observers are calling a lightweight frame, 182 00:13:50,405 --> 00:13:55,465 Speaker3: though at £600 it's hardly what you'd call svelte, rather like my second wife 183 00:13:55,465 --> 00:13:57,725 Speaker3: after her healthy eating phase. 184 00:14:01,245 --> 00:14:04,545 Speaker3: Speaking of which reminds me of my own attempt at mechanical innovation back 185 00:14:04,545 --> 00:14:07,405 Speaker3: in 82. tried to build a motorised deck chair for the garden, 186 00:14:07,705 --> 00:14:11,565 Speaker3: ended up in casualty with third-degree burns and a very angry neighbour whose 187 00:14:11,565 --> 00:14:13,585 Speaker3: prize-winning petunias will never be the same. 188 00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:20,785 Speaker3: But back to Chicago, where the severe snowstorm turned the race into what 189 00:14:20,785 --> 00:14:22,765 Speaker0: Locals are dubbing the great mechanical. 190 00:14:22,765 --> 00:14:27,825 Speaker3: Waddle of 95. Only six out of 83 entrants actually made it to the starting line. 191 00:14:27,985 --> 00:14:31,885 Speaker3: The others presumably got cold feet, or in the case of Professor Windlebottom's 192 00:14:31,885 --> 00:14:35,605 Speaker3: steam-powered penny farthing, simply exploded during preliminary testing. 193 00:14:39,623 --> 00:14:43,623 Speaker3: And here comes young Timothy Sprocket, desperately trying to crank his mechanical 194 00:14:43,623 --> 00:14:47,763 Speaker3: marvel while being overtaken by... Yes, I believe it's an elderly gentleman 195 00:14:47,763 --> 00:14:50,783 Speaker3: on a penny farthing. The crowd is roaring with laughter. 196 00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:53,623 Speaker3: They're having more fun than a barrel of monkeys on a sugar rush. 197 00:14:53,723 --> 00:14:55,983 Speaker3: This race is descending into absolute farce. 198 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,303 Speaker3: It's like a Monty Python sketch come to life. 199 00:15:01,463 --> 00:15:05,443 Speaker3: The $5,000 prize money has caused quite a stir in the automotive world. 200 00:15:05,443 --> 00:15:09,023 Speaker3: That's enough to buy several thousand horses, though admittedly horses don't 201 00:15:09,023

--> 00:15:13,343 Speaker3: require the constant tinkering and elaborate swearing that these horseless carriages seem to demand. 202 00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:21,023 Speaker3: Notable moments included Herbert Throttle Bunny's device catching fire near 203 00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:25,703 Speaker3: Evanston, and young Timothy Sprocket's mechanical marvel being outpaced by an 204 00:15:25,703 --> 00:15:28,703 Speaker3: elderly gentleman on a particularly determined donkey. 205 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:31,943 Speaker3: The whole affair has been declared a roaring success by the Chicago Times-Herald, 206 00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:35,603 Speaker3: though I suspect that has more to do with newspaper sales than actual roaring. 207 00:15:39,363 --> 00:15:43,043 Speaker3: Duryer crosses the finish line. He's won. He's, wait, he's stalled. 208 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:46,323 Speaker3: The spluttering duchess has given up the ghost just yards from the finish. 209 00:15:46,643 --> 00:15:50,363 Speaker3: Duryer's out of the car. He's tinkering under the hood. He's muttering curses 210 00:15:50,363 --> 00:15:51,903 Speaker3: that would make a sailor blush. 211 00:15:52,123 --> 00:15:56,103 Speaker3: Oh, the ignominy. It's like winning the marathon, only to trip over the finish 212 00:15:56,103 --> 00:15:58,043 Speaker3: line and land in a vat of port. 213 00:16:01,323 --> 00:16:06,183 Speaker3: I've been Ryder Boff reporting from 1895, where the future of transportation 214 00:16:06,183 --> 00:16:09,963 Speaker3: looks decidedly wobbly, but undeniably entertaining. 215 00:16:10,223 --> 00:16:12,363 Speaker3: Back to the studio, assuming it exists yet. 216 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:23,303 Speaker6: And now, a familiar voice in environmental calamity with a penchant for poetic despair. 217 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:29,963 Speaker6: Here's Penelope Windchime to guide us through yet another grim chapter of Nature vs. Humanity. 218 00:16:31,943 --> 00:16:36,323 Speaker5: Oh, the oily injustice! Tonight, viewers, we journey back to 1903, 219 00:16:36,323 --> 00:16:37,803 Speaker5: where the pristine waters off 220 00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:40,663 Speaker0: The coast of Australia suffered a most grievous insult. 221 00:16:41,403 --> 00:16:46,963 Speaker5: The SS Petriana, a metal monstrosity with a heart of coal and a hull full of 222 00:16:46,963 --> 00:16:49,823 Speaker5: oil, decided to redecorate the coastline. 223 00:16:55,483 --> 00:17:01,723 Speaker5: This nautical nightmare, this oily behemoth, ran aground, spewing 1,300 tonnes 224 00:17:01,723 --> 00:17:03,763 Speaker5: of crude oil into the sea. 225 00:17:04,403 --> 00:17:09,483 Speaker5: Imagine the scene, viewers, a slick, black as a politician's heart, 226 00:17:09,703 --> 00:17:15,243 Speaker5: spreading across the waves, choking marine life and turning the once-pristine 227 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,663 Speaker5: beaches into a tar-stained wasteland. 228 00:17:23,356 --> 00:17:28,776 Speaker5: The local pelicans, those elegant aviators of the coast, became oil-slicked 229 00:17:28,776 --> 00:17:33,896 Speaker5: fashion victims, their once pristine feathers matted and blackened by the toxic goo. 230 00:17:34,336 --> 00:17:39,656 Speaker5: The seals, those playful puppies of the sea, developed a rather unfortunate 231 00:17:39,656 --> 00:17:41,436 Speaker5: addiction to petroleum. 232 00:17:41,896 --> 00:17:44,116 Speaker5: They were seen rolling around in the oily, 233 00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:47,276 Speaker0: Slick, like, well, like seals on drugs. 234 00:17:51,816 --> 00:17:56,336 Speaker5: And the human response? A farce, viewers. A travesty. 235 00:17:57,196 --> 00:18:01,716 Speaker5: A man named Bruce stood on the beach repeating, Crikey, as if that would somehow 236 00:18:01,716 --> 00:18:03,336 Speaker5: magically clean up the mess. 237 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:08,976 Speaker5: Politicians, ever eager to capitalise on a crisis, promised to teach the fish 238 00:18:08,976 --> 00:18:13,076 Speaker5: to swim with their mouths closed. The absurdity. 239 00:18:18,116 --> 00:18:21,996 Speaker5: This is Penelope Windchime, lamenting the loss of innocence, 240 00:18:22,336 --> 00:18:27,456 Speaker5: the despoiling of nature and the oily injustice of it all. Remember the Petriana? 241 00:18:28,096 --> 00:18:32,636 Speaker5: Boycott fossil fuels. And for the love of all that is green and good, 242 00:18:33,136 --> 00:18:35,876 Speaker5: never trust a ship with more oil than brains. 243 00:18:36,576 --> 00:18:41,256 Speaker1: And now, for all the travel news you never knew you needed, here's Polly Beep 244 00:18:41,256 --> 00:18:43,456 Speaker0: With tonight's historical traffic and travel update. 245 00:18:47,056 --> 00:18:52,196 Speaker4: Good evening, Road Warriors. Polly Beep here with tonight's historical traffic and travel update. 246 00:18:52,476 --> 00:18:57,396 Speaker4: Breaking news from Antarctica, where Air New Zealand Flight 901 has just had 247 00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:59,876 Speaker4: a rather unfortunate encounter with Mount Erebus. 248 00:19:00,116 --> 00:19:05,396 Speaker4: If you're planning on taking the ice road B901 past the Ross Ice Shelf, 249 00:19:05,596 --> 00:19:08,836 Speaker4: expect significant delays and a complete whiteout. 250 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:13,116 Speaker0: Recovery vehicles are struggling to reach the scene due to penguins forming 251 00:19:13,116 --> 00:19:14,736 Speaker0: an impromptu protest march. 252 00:19:18,937 --> 00:19:25,457 Speaker4: Meanwhile, in the balmy Indian Ocean, South African Airways Flight 295 is experiencing 253 00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:28,757 Speaker4: what we in the business call a bit of a warm spell. 254 00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:36,357 Speaker4: The cargo hold appears to be hosting an impromptu barbecue at 35,000 feet. 255 00:19:36,837 --> 00:19:42,197 Speaker4: If you're sailing the M295 maritime route between Taiwan and South Africa, 256 00:19:42,397 --> 00:19:44,077 Speaker4: watch out for falling debris

257 00:19:44,077 --> 00:19:45,537 Speaker0: And floating suitcases. 258 00:19:49,337 --> 00:19:54,157 Speaker4: In other news, the M6 near Birmingham is at a standstill after a lorry carrying 259 00:19:54,157 --> 00:19:56,017 Speaker4: navigation equipment shed its load. 260 00:19:56,257 --> 00:19:59,957 Speaker4: Drivers are now going in circles, much like those flight coordinates that weren't 261 00:19:59,957 --> 00:20:02,497 Speaker4: properly communicated to our Antarctic friends. 262 00:20:06,337 --> 00:20:10,597 Speaker4: And finally, there's heavy congestion on the A40 after someone attempted to 263 00:20:10,597 --> 00:20:12,737 Speaker4: transport a fire suppression system to Heathrow. 264 00:20:13,217 --> 00:20:16,397 Speaker4: Unfortunately, it suppressed itself right across three lanes. 265 00:20:16,397 --> 00:20:21,617 Speaker4: Back to you in the studio and remember, whether you're driving on roads or flying 266 00:20:21,617 --> 00:20:24,657 Speaker4: into mountains, always check your coordinates twice. 267 00:20:28,397 --> 00:20:32,217 Speaker3: 1967. Our resident oracle of the odd and 268 00:20:32,217 --> 00:20:37,057 Speaker6: Overseer of all things scientific, Calamity Prenderville, takes us to the stars, 269 00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:42,157 Speaker6: or at least to Cambridge, where groundbreaking discoveries meet British eccentricity. 270 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:52,400 Music 271 00:20:54,171 --> 00:20:57,991 Speaker5: Good evening, viewers. Today we're looking back at a remarkable British innovation 272 00:20:57,991 --> 00:20:59,611 Speaker5: that changed astronomy forever. 273 00:20:59,991 --> 00:21:04,071 Speaker5: In 1967, while examining data from the Cambridge Tea Time Radio Array, 274 00:21:04,271 --> 00:21:07,511 Speaker5: a device originally built to monitor BBC Radio 4 signals, 275 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:15,311 Speaker0: Young researcher Jocelyn Belbinel spotted what she called a bit of scruff in her printouts. 276 00:21:17,051 --> 00:21:21,371 Speaker1: Initially dismissed as interference from a nearby Wimpy Bars microwave, 277 00:21:21,371 --> 00:21:27,491 Speaker1: this regular pulsing signal, occurring every 1.337 seconds, turned out to be 278 00:21:27,491 --> 00:21:28,971 Speaker1: something far more extraordinary. 279 00:21:29,311 --> 00:21:32,171 Speaker1: Some suggested it might be signals from Yorkshire television, 280 00:21:32,511 --> 00:21:35,711 Speaker1: others claimed it was Margaret Thatcher's pacemaker acting up. 281 00:21:36,011 --> 00:21:39,971 Speaker1: The signal was briefly nicknamed Little Green Men, though it clearly wasn't. 282 00:21:40,231 --> 00:21:43,351 Speaker1: Everyone knows aliens prefer to communicate via CFAX. 283 00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:49,431 Speaker5: Using the cutting-edge British technology of the day, namely three miles of 284 00:21:49,431 --> 00:21:52,571 Speaker5: paper charts, two pencils and a ruler from W.H. 285 00:21:52,651 --> 00:21:56,971 Speaker5: Smith, Bell Burnell proved this signal came from what we now call a pulsar, 286 00:21:57,171 --> 00:22:00,731 Speaker5: a rapidly spinning neutron star that sends out regular pulses of radio waves, 287 00:22:00,931 --> 00:22:04,451 Speaker5: much like a cosmic lighthouse or an over-enthusiastic disco ball in space. 288 00:22:06,311 --> 00:22:10,251 Speaker1: The discovery was made possible by the unique British engineering principle 289 00:22:10,251 --> 00:22:14,871 Speaker1: of having a proper look at things, combined with Bell Burnell's dedication to 290 00:22:14,871 --> 00:22:20,651 Speaker1: analysing data while simultaneously making tea, a skill taught exclusively at Cambridge University. 291 00:22:22,571 --> 00:22:30,951 Speaker5: This bit of scruff turned out to be PSR B19192.1, the first pulsar ever discovered, 292 00:22:31,351 --> 00:22:35,231 Speaker5: proving once again that British scientists can find anything if they look hard 293 00:22:35,231 --> 00:22:39,471 Speaker5: enough, even tiny spinning stars thousands of light years away. 294 00:22:39,711 --> 00:22:42,411 Speaker5: This is Calamity Prenderville. Back to the studio. 295 00:22:47,891 --> 00:22:53,711 Speaker3: News bang putting a boot to the posteriors of predatory pundits 296 00:22:57,214 --> 00:23:00,654 Speaker1: And that's nearly it. Just time to round up tomorrow's papers. 297 00:23:01,694 --> 00:23:08,154 Speaker1: The Times leads with Brits win backfort from colonials. That's about a fight in Canada. 298 00:23:09,294 --> 00:23:13,954 Speaker1: The Telegraph goes with Brits on holiday plan invasion of Mauritius. 299 00:23:14,114 --> 00:23:15,994 Speaker1: They've got a map of the place there. 300 00:23:16,874 --> 00:23:22,954 Speaker1: And the Independent leads with FC Barcelona. Started by footballing pioneer. 301 00:23:23,774 --> 00:23:26,294 Speaker1: That's a picture of the bloke who started it. 302 00:23:27,834 --> 00:23:34,994 Speaker1: While the mail says, love dogs become thief detectives. No idea what that's about. 303 00:23:36,514 --> 00:23:40,254 Speaker1: Today has a follow-up on that strawberry-themed party they had last week. 304 00:23:40,394 --> 00:23:42,614 Speaker1: I'm sure it'll be absolutely fascinating. 305 00:23:43,554 --> 00:23:44,634 Speaker0: And that's it. 306 00:23:45,134 --> 00:23:49,974 Speaker1: Thanks to all our critics who have managed to keep this bloody show on the air for yet another year. 307 00:23:50,634 --> 00:23:55,194 Speaker1: I don't know how you do it, because it's actually turned into as effective a 308 00:23:55,194 --> 00:23:58,134 Speaker1: method of clearing streets as Glastonbury Weekend. 309 00:23:58,734 --> 00:24:03,114 Speaker3: Tune in next time for more artificially intelligent hilarity. 310 00:24:03,634 --> 00:24:07,574 Speaker3: Newsbang is a comedy show written and recorded by AI. 311 00:24:08,114 --> 00:24:11,474 Speaker3: All voices impersonated. Nothing here is real. 312 00:24:12,274 --> 00:24:12,634 Speaker0: Good night. 313 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:22,008 Music