บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Yo, How Many Pushups Can You Do?

00:04:59.651 --> 00:05:04.051 would have been me guessing what i think i could do and i don't 00:05:04.051 --> 00:05:07.962 Do you don't even know but you don't that's the thing you didn't 00:05:08.386 --> 00:05:09.061 Yeah you know 00:05:09.061 --> 00:05:13.017 And i don't you're basically what you're saying is in your wildest imagination 00:05:13.458 --> 00:05:17.281 you would hope to do four and that's how many I did today already. 00:05:17.721 --> 00:05:21.161 That's a good way to think about it, I guess. Why don't you just get the end 00:05:21.161 --> 00:05:23.947 of the couch and I'll try getting the other end. Maybe that'll work. 00:05:24.052 --> 00:05:25.439 Okay, here we go. I'll be honest. 00:05:25.852 --> 00:05:28.353 I did get it all the way up the stairs by myself. 00:05:29.137 --> 00:05:30.501 It's just that I'm having trouble getting it. 00:05:30.501 --> 00:05:33.270 Well, that was leverage. That was just the leverage. 00:05:34.762 --> 00:05:36.881 What? How do you think I got it up the stairs? 00:05:37.561 --> 00:05:43.001 You had a fulcrum. It's basically an inclined ramp. That's just simple tools. 00:05:43.361 --> 00:05:49.141 I didn't drag it. All right. I lifted it. I wasn't ready. Okay. 00:05:50.826 --> 00:05:53.508 You're going to pop a blood vessel to me. Let's put it down. 00:05:53.508 --> 00:05:55.728 Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Yeah. 00:05:55.728 --> 00:06:00.508 What is this? What is this? Is this a couch? Is this actually a couch? 00:06:00.926 --> 00:06:02.468 Yeah, yeah. It's just a couch. 00:06:02.468 --> 00:06:09.398 Is this like one of those things where it's like a quarter with a nail attached 00:06:09.398 --> 00:06:13.518 to one side and you nail it into a piece of wood so people try to pick up the 00:06:13.518 --> 00:06:14.568 quarter and it's actually nailed into the wood? 00:06:14.568 --> 00:06:17.608 I've never heard of this thing. You can't say that like that's one of those things. 00:06:17.928 --> 00:06:23.488 It's a trick quarter. It's a common prank quarter. You've never heard of a prank quarter? 00:06:24.928 --> 00:06:28.628 Not like that. It's a quarter that's nailed into wood, and that's a prank? 00:06:28.628 --> 00:06:34.948 Yes. It's like, look it up. Read a fucking book, man. Whoa, dude. I know you're against. 00:06:34.948 --> 00:06:38.199 First of all, yeah. You know I can't read right now, all right? 00:06:38.396 --> 00:06:41.388 You know I can't. Oh, jeez. Something's going on. Yeah. 00:06:42.208 --> 00:06:45.188 You've been saying that your eyes have been tired for eight years. 00:06:45.472 --> 00:06:46.678 They are tired, man. 00:06:46.678 --> 00:06:47.469 Every time 00:06:49.693 --> 00:06:52.839 somebody asks you to read something, you say you can't read right now. 00:06:53.147 --> 00:06:58.248 Yeah, I can't right now. Because I can't do screens. And so books are basically 00:06:58.248 --> 00:06:59.708 like a paper screen to me. 00:07:00.128 --> 00:07:01.030 That's

not true. 00:07:01.767 --> 00:07:02.448 Well, whatever. 00:07:02.448 --> 00:07:04.850 It's completely different. That's reflective light. 00:07:05.285 --> 00:07:06.388 That is not a screen. 00:07:06.908 --> 00:07:09.144 On three, let's try this time, okay? 00:07:09.701 --> 00:07:11.611 One, two. 00:07:11.901 --> 00:07:14.078 Whoa, let's stop. Let's stop. 00:07:14.252 --> 00:07:14.601 Huh? 00:07:14.827 --> 00:07:19.658 Huh? that scared the shit out of me sorry what was i was 00:07:19.658 --> 00:07:24.618 Just trying to get i was trying to get uh my blood oxygenated and i started 00:07:24.618 --> 00:07:30.466 feeling lightheaded okay all right how many how many miles can you run 00:07:31.987 --> 00:07:36.909 I do know that i mean how many can i run versus how many do i typically run 00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:41.468 How many could you run if i said to to run start running now 00:07:41.468 --> 00:07:47.628 How many miles just as far as i could I could probably run I mean not that much 00:07:47.628 --> 00:07:50.737 I'd say like maybe I could do 7 miles 00:07:51.753 --> 00:07:54.406 Alright well today I ran around the block twice 00:07:57.714 --> 00:07:58.384 How about that? 00:07:59.647 --> 00:08:05.313 Good job. Yeah, good job, buddy. Uh, let's try to finish this, 00:08:05.653 --> 00:08:10.524 getting this couch in the door. It's a little bit in, and then maybe we'll talk 00:08:10.524 --> 00:08:11.784 more about some of that stuff. 00:08:12.631 --> 00:08:15.254 Let's just try getting the couch out of the door. Hey, buddy. 00:08:15.254 --> 00:08:20.224 If you think you're so strong, you're so big and you're so strong, 00:08:20.224 --> 00:08:23.924 you're so good at reading, why don't you just, uh, 00:08:26.272 --> 00:08:31.067 Go fuck yourself. I don't like your attitude. Every time I do something new, 00:08:31.276 --> 00:08:35.850 every time I pick a new hobby, like right now it's protein and lifting. 00:08:36.221 --> 00:08:37.777 Every time I pick a new hobby, 00:08:38.033 --> 00:08:40.912 You're never impressed with me. 00:08:41.336 --> 00:08:47.319 No, I'm not. Because I'm constantly confused as to where you're sourcing your 00:08:47.319 --> 00:08:49.631 information on how to get into these hobbies. 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:54.079 Remember when you got really into board games? And first of all, 00:08:54.079 --> 00:08:55.221 the games were always wet. 00:08:55.575 --> 00:08:59.429 like why were they always wet where are you getting them wet because they were 00:08:59.429 --> 00:09:04.409 wet when they got here is the other thing and then they disintegrate half the 00:09:04.409 --> 00:09:09.227 time because they're not working and also the only board game you got into was Sorry 00:09:10.679 --> 00:09:12.759 which sucks Sorry sucks 00:09:15.282 --> 00:09:19.839 When you get the cardboard wet it makes it softer and that makes it safe there's 00:09:19.839 --> 00:09:23.345 a lot of sharp edges on the cardboard 00:09:24.204 --> 00:09:31.042 and I'm scared and

I soak a man in a bathtub for a couple hours and the rules are the same 00:09:32.979 --> 00:09:37.231 you just roll it out and afterwards you sweep it all up 00:09:37.927 --> 00:09:40.969 That's the craziest part too because of how soft it gets you're able to roll 00:09:40.969 --> 00:09:47.509 it up and roll it out like a sorry board should be able to do that I'm surprised that it works oh big 00:09:47.509 --> 00:09:50.049 Surprise that you don't like the way I play board 00:09:50.049 --> 00:09:56.364 Games I'm real surprised I'm not being fair I'll be honest I'm not being fair to you 00:09:57.165 --> 00:09:57.809 You know I. 00:09:57.809 --> 00:10:00.247 Quit my job to come help you move this couch 00:10:00.567 --> 00:10:03.839 Why did you fucking do that I really wish you hadn't 00:10:04.344 --> 00:10:07.929 I really wish you asked me if I could you asked me if I could help you move 00:10:07.929 --> 00:10:10.057 the couch and I was in the middle of a shift 00:10:11.026 --> 00:10:14.779 Then you could have said no you could have said no I can't help you you're my friend 00:10:17.650 --> 00:10:22.711 I would never quit my job for you. You quit at the peak of the lunch rush? 00:10:23.205 --> 00:10:29.950 Yeah, my phone is blowing up. Everybody wants to kill me. We were already understaffed. 00:10:30.711 --> 00:10:37.735 Yeah, that sounds so bad. You know, I might just see if I can return the couch. 00:10:42.282 --> 00:10:43.832 Thanks, Apple. Thanks, Dwyer. Next 00:10:43.832 --> 00:10:47.818 up, you heard them all the way back in episode 25. three episodes ago. 00:10:48.335 --> 00:10:52.120 It's Katie Maravich and Johnny McNulty. Katie, she's a writer, 00:10:52.329 --> 00:10:56.842 actress, director. She wrote, directed, and acted in five seasons of Reality 00:10:56.842 --> 00:10:59.683 Check, which was a weekly YouTube series on Fox TV. 00:10:59.956 --> 00:11:04.652 She was a cast member of College Humor Forever and created and starred in Kingpin 00:11:04.652 --> 00:11:10.062 Katie, eight-episode comedy series on Dropout that I had a small part in. 00:11:10.722 --> 00:11:15.042 She also created and hosted The Rank Room on Dropout and regularly appears in 00:11:15.042 --> 00:11:18.592 Dropout shows like Game changer breaking news smarty pants and dirty laundry 00:11:18.592 --> 00:11:21.880 she's written for several others including make some noise 00:11:22.165 --> 00:11:26.449 and uh money slumber party johnny mcnulty we were on our first harold team together 00:11:26.704 --> 00:11:31.209 shout out the opera uh he's a former contributor to the onion weekend update 00:11:31.494 --> 00:11:35.789 uh executive editor of some e-cards he took some time from the stage but now he's 00:11:36.126 --> 00:11:39.962 rocking it on harold night again in new york check him out with his team your 00:11:39.962 --> 00:11:43.322 girlfriend all right it's katie and johnny with our second mutter 00:11:47.795 --> 00:11:52.085 Could you hold this end of the sofa while I

try to get it through the doorway? 00:11:54.372 --> 00:12:02.492 Yo, how many push-ups can you do? Wait, before we do that, how many push-ups can you do? 00:12:04.144 --> 00:12:10.590 Like, all time, like, best, I did 100 once. If you ask me now, I'm, like, 20. 00:12:14.244 --> 00:12:15.989 Can someone help? Only 20? 00:12:17.524 --> 00:12:19.334 I'm not I had a wrist injury 00:12:19.334 --> 00:12:20.400 Okay just let it down 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:21.625 Oh god 00:12:23.703 --> 00:12:24.922 Okay 00:12:26.722 --> 00:12:30.344 Hi Okay are you fine are you better now Are you done being dramatic 00:12:31.134 --> 00:12:32.124 Yeah yeah 00:12:33.224 --> 00:12:40.056 I wanted to get movers I wanted to get movers And you said no because you could do a bunch of pushups 00:12:41.693 --> 00:12:48.450 Sarah Yeah okay I had this day in my mind where 00:12:49.764 --> 00:12:56.724 we would move all of our stuff in and each thing we would remember then moving 00:12:56.724 --> 00:13:03.018 it in and it would be our memory and it would just give our space like that really special. 00:13:04.261 --> 00:13:08.928 Okay, Mike, you know I'm not sentimental like that. You know I don't give a fuck. 00:13:09.090 --> 00:13:10.048 I know. Right? 00:13:11.284 --> 00:13:16.284 You knew that coming into the relationship. I did I wasn't going to care I don't 00:13:16.284 --> 00:13:21.094 do anniversaries I don't do birthdays I don't do Christmas You knew that No, 00:13:21.094 --> 00:13:23.014 You're pretty much Personal 00:13:23.014 --> 00:13:30.054 Best You know that all I care about is muscles I want a muscle meat pad Yeah, 00:13:30.054 --> 00:13:34.737 Okay, listen Alright, hold on Just give me a second Let me catch my breath 00:13:37.935 --> 00:13:38.458 One, 00:13:40.751 --> 00:13:46.988 two, I just was carrying a couch, three, so like I hope we're on a curve here. 00:13:47.238 --> 00:13:48.744 Keep going, keep going. 00:13:48.913 --> 00:13:49.516 Four. 00:13:50.747 --> 00:13:55.372 You know what, hold on, I'm going to sit on you and then you can lift my weight as well. 00:13:55.622 --> 00:13:55.918 Yeah. 00:14:01.113 --> 00:14:01.978 Five, six, seven. 00:14:03.383 --> 00:14:06.338 Oh, God. Seven. Hold on, hold on. 00:14:06.798 --> 00:14:13.908 Stop. You're sweating so much. It's so pathetic. It's disgusting. 00:14:17.542 --> 00:14:22.598 Yeah, listen, I did know that getting into this and 00:14:24.598 --> 00:14:29.558 and then things were going well. And like I was, you know, and then I had a 00:14:29.558 --> 00:14:34.718 wrist injury and I couldn't do strength for a little while. And I have to say, 00:14:34.718 --> 00:14:39.358 our relationship has really spiraled since then. 00:14:40.378 --> 00:14:44.337 But I was like, let's move in together, right? Because that fixes things. 00:14:46.259 --> 00:14:50.208 So I do have a question, though. And it's just occurred to me, 00:14:50.208 --> 00:14:55.673 I've never asked you, how many push-ups can you do? 00:14:57.638 --> 00:14:59.046 How many push-ups can I do? 00:14:59.336 --> 00:14:59.830 Yeah. 00:15:00.532 --> 00:15:05.896 You go around with strong opinions on how many push-ups other people can do. 00:15:08.287 --> 00:15:09.283 How many can you do? 00:15:09.283 --> 00:15:09.999 Okay, well, 00:15:12.327 --> 00:15:17.685 to be honest, I've never tried. I've never even tried one. I don't know. I have no idea. 00:15:18.492 --> 00:15:20.640 You don't even know what a push-up feels like? 00:15:21.748 --> 00:15:26.073 I don't even know what a push-up feels like, but maybe you're right. 00:15:26.073 --> 00:15:30.467 I guess I expect everyone around me to be able to do at least 100 push-ups at once. 00:15:30.868 --> 00:15:34.496 And here I am, not even doing one. 00:15:35.239 --> 00:15:44.673 I've been so scared of you and like I have to admit that's kind of like I have 00:15:44.673 --> 00:15:49.373 a like it's all a tangle the emotions that I feel 00:15:54.493 --> 00:15:59.160 Do you know that I didn't go to my grandma's funeral because she couldn't do a hundred pushups 00:15:59.810 --> 00:16:00.933 I do know do you know 00:16:00.933 --> 00:16:04.164 Now that I'm just realizing how fucked up that is 00:16:05.343 --> 00:16:07.133 You you sent me the woman 00:16:07.133 --> 00:16:09.656 Raised me yeah 00:16:10.045 --> 00:16:17.163 You sent me in your in your place and you told me to do a hundred push-ups in 00:16:17.163 --> 00:16:23.332 front of everybody and say that's what grandma never like did 00:16:25.196 --> 00:16:31.807 yeah and i did that because i love you and a lot of your family won't talk to me now 00:16:33.294 --> 00:16:39.795 No No Hey Mike Yes By the way 00:16:42.513 --> 00:16:47.192 There's something in the bathroom trash can that you might want to see. 00:16:49.415 --> 00:16:49.830 Okay. 00:16:49.830 --> 00:16:52.019 It's a pregnancy test. 00:16:53.238 --> 00:16:54.320 It's in the trash can? 00:16:56.501 --> 00:17:00.860 Yeah, I wasn't going to bring it up because you could only do 20 push-ups. 00:17:01.481 --> 00:17:02.540 You didn't know I could. 00:17:02.540 --> 00:17:09.990 But now I'm sort of, yeah, but now I'm just sort of like, maybe I'm ready to 00:17:09.990 --> 00:17:15.350 change and be a better person, be more accepting, and I don't know. 00:17:18.260 --> 00:17:18.880 Sarah, are we... 00:17:19.020 --> 00:17:22.150 Will you marry me? Oh, sorry. No, never mind. No, you're right. 00:17:22.150 --> 00:17:25.540 I shouldn't have said that. Never mind. Just forget that. Just pretend I didn't say that. 00:17:29.120 --> 00:17:33.280 Thanks, Katie. Thanks, Johnny. Last up, you heard these legends back in episode 00:17:33.280 --> 00:17:38.230 19. It's Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt, two OGs of the Upright Citizens 00:17:38.230 --> 00:17:41.740 Brigade Theater, both on a team called The Stepfathers in New York. 00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:43.388 Billy was one of the founders of that. 00:17:43.742 --> 00:17:49.557 Shannon came on a few years after that. I

came on a few years after that. And now I'm back, baby. 00:17:50.420 --> 00:17:53.950 Both phenomenal improv teachers as well. I want to give them a shout out for 00:17:53.950 --> 00:17:57.127 that. But Spoh's acting in shows like Broad City, High Maintenance, 00:17:57.382 --> 00:17:59.367 the other two, Alternatino. 00:17:59.611 --> 00:18:03.837 She was recurring on Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter, and The Chris Gethard Show. 00:18:04.162 --> 00:18:09.991 She's still rocking out The Stepfathers and ASCAT in UCB and New York. 00:18:10.205 --> 00:18:15.116 Billy Merritt, he's rocked out the UCB stage for almost two decades on both coasts. 00:18:15.412 --> 00:18:19.081 You've seen him on The Conners, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Rec, 00:18:19.418 --> 00:18:25.107 Reno 911, Key and Peel, Weeds, Workaholics, Happy Ending Search Party, the list goes on. 00:18:25.426 --> 00:18:30.120 He's currently running an improvised podcast collective called The Bit Comedy 00:18:30.120 --> 00:18:31.463 Network, so go check that out. 00:18:31.748 --> 00:18:35.960 All right, it's our final mutter with Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt. 00:18:40.850 --> 00:18:45.668 Can you hold this end of the sofa while I try to get it through the doorway, please? 00:18:49.800 --> 00:18:50.148 Yeah. 00:18:53.684 --> 00:18:55.158 How many push-ups can you do? 00:18:56.470 --> 00:19:01.160 Oh, well, obviously not as many as I'd like. 00:19:01.543 --> 00:19:06.646 Having difficulty with the sofa, probably, I don't know. I haven't tried doing a push-up in a while. 00:19:07.087 --> 00:19:10.030 Oh, because this couch is pretty heavy, man. So I'm just like, 00:19:10.739 --> 00:19:15.167 I'm just kind of trying to guess what you're like, you know, 00:19:15.167 --> 00:19:18.355 like what your overall like football like score is, you know? 00:19:18.802 --> 00:19:19.951 My football score. 00:19:20.957 --> 00:19:23.428 Yeah, you know your weightlifting football score? 00:19:23.550 --> 00:19:28.177 Sure. Yeah, I know it. I know it. The couch is heavy because it's filled with nickels. 00:19:29.135 --> 00:19:30.760 Oh, sure. 00:19:31.172 --> 00:19:34.069 I've got about 6,000 nickels in the bottom of the couch. 00:19:34.551 --> 00:19:41.360 Okay. Okay. Okay, you're doing that fountain diving again? 00:19:41.842 --> 00:19:45.794 Fountain diving, yes, yes, yes. Back in the old days. 00:19:47.677 --> 00:19:52.452 I never really did any football work in and out, but I did a lot of pond diving. 00:19:53.903 --> 00:19:56.986 Oh, there you go. There you go. Thank you. All right. 00:19:57.334 --> 00:19:58.077 Thank you. 00:19:58.251 --> 00:20:00.184 Oh, that is good. 00:20:01.026 --> 00:20:03.441 Oh, wow. Hey. Okay. 00:20:03.876 --> 00:20:04.642 Thank you, neighbor. 00:20:05.377 --> 00:20:10.737 Yeah. No, yeah, I've said, yeah, we know so little about each other, 00:20:10.737 --> 00:20:13.286 but, you know, I've seen you. 00:20:14.562 --> 00:20:16.268 I've seen you. You know, I go 00:20:16.268 --> 00:20:21.342

for dawn bike rides. So I've seen you by the fountain by the courthouse. 00:20:22.114 --> 00:20:23.543 Oh, yes. 00:20:23.757 --> 00:20:23.888 Yeah. 00:20:25.505 --> 00:20:29.908 Yeah, you're going to find a lot of coinage in the morning, oddly enough. 00:20:30.851 --> 00:20:35.598 Apparently, if you research it, most people put money in the fountain late at 00:20:35.598 --> 00:20:36.726 night when no one's looking. 00:20:37.260 --> 00:20:41.438 Oh, yeah. Because they feel their wishes will be honored and not stolen. 00:20:41.438 --> 00:20:48.090 No, I've heard that. Yeah, I've heard that. the uh i dated a i dated a witch, 00:20:49.344 --> 00:20:53.837 like four years ago really she told me a lot about some things that you know 00:20:53.970 --> 00:20:57.668 because i was i yeah just moved in i just moved to town four years ago yeah 00:20:57.968 --> 00:21:02.218 and i was on uh i was on hinge and she was the only one on there just me and 00:21:02.218 --> 00:21:03.601 her so we kept kind of like, 00:21:04.471 --> 00:21:07.638 i was like nope but then she'd be back and i'd be like nope so i just like let 00:21:07.638 --> 00:21:10.247 me let me swipe on let me let me swipe on um, 00:21:11.277 --> 00:21:14.451 Norda. I'll swipe on Norda and Norda and I dated. 00:21:15.443 --> 00:21:16.501 Norda's in her name? 00:21:17.046 --> 00:21:18.263 Norda the Witch. 00:21:18.263 --> 00:21:23.003 Norda the Witch. Was she witch forward or is it just something that she also did? 00:21:24.447 --> 00:21:25.482 She's witch forward. 00:21:25.725 --> 00:21:27.153 Witch forward? Yeah. 00:21:27.153 --> 00:21:32.348 She's witch forward and then she's pottery backwards. 00:21:32.819 --> 00:21:39.433 Pottery backwards? Does that mean she's not good at pottery or she does pottery? 00:21:39.433 --> 00:21:43.115 No, yeah, she does pottery, but which is her main source of income. 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:46.174 And pottery backwards is like, it's like her hobby. 00:21:46.464 --> 00:21:47.260 Sure, sure. 00:21:47.631 --> 00:21:49.756 Yeah, no, but she told me about the coin thing. 00:21:50.667 --> 00:21:51.103 Oh, really? 00:21:51.683 --> 00:21:54.545 Yeah, and then she told me about the, it's why I bike at dawn. 00:21:54.992 --> 00:21:57.830 Because she said, bike at dawn, the ghosts are gone. 00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:01.877 Yeah, dawn is the safest time to be alive outside. 00:22:02.783 --> 00:22:07.483 I think a lot of the mystic energies are switching over to daytime at night. 00:22:07.483 --> 00:22:11.363 You know, those Looney Tune commercials are commercials. I think they're called 00:22:11.363 --> 00:22:17.943 cartoons where they morning Fred morning Frank and they're what are they? 00:22:18.463 --> 00:22:19.518 Punching the time clock. 00:22:20.743 --> 00:22:23.163 Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. 00:22:23.622 --> 00:22:27.603 So as all the demons and dementors and the goblins and the ghouls are all just 00:22:27.603 --> 00:22:31.987 crossing at that moment in time, that's the time to get out there and really enjoy the world. 00:22:32.515 --> 00:22:38.076 Hey, sorry to sorry to interrupt. um i'm i'm in 24e oh hey 00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:43.085 i think you stole my nickel man what i made a wish 00:22:43.892 --> 00:22:47.775 yeah i made one wish with a nickel down at the fountain yeah 00:22:48.518 --> 00:22:52.023 and i kind of woke up because i had to pee this morning i kind of just kind 00:22:52.023 --> 00:22:57.400 of glanced out my window and i saw you fully in like a scuba's outfit dive in 00:22:57.824 --> 00:23:02.479 and take a bunch of nickels one of those nickels is mine man that's my wish you shouldn't 00:23:03.164 --> 00:23:04.703 How do you know it was your nickel? 00:23:06.473 --> 00:23:08.743 Do you come on it? You're the guy that comes on coins, right? 00:23:10.056 --> 00:23:12.376 Oh, 24B, right? Is that, was that? 00:23:12.696 --> 00:23:13.146 24E. 00:23:14.055 --> 00:23:16.028 24E. 00:23:16.237 --> 00:23:22.796 24E for E for Ejaculate. Yeah. Well, yes. Yeah, I'm the guy that comes on coins. Okay. Whatever. 00:23:22.796 --> 00:23:26.176 Tell me something. Tell me something. What was your wish? Because maybe I didn't 00:23:26.176 --> 00:23:29.246 steal it. Maybe I'm a wish giver. What was your wish? 00:23:29.577 --> 00:23:34.662 That I could stop coming on coins. I can't help it. I really want to stop. I cannot help it. 00:23:35.608 --> 00:23:41.906 Every time I see a coin, I get hard as a rock and I want to come all over it. 00:23:41.906 --> 00:23:46.004 Okay? There's just something about it that I was like, it's legal tender and 00:23:46.149 --> 00:23:47.577 I wanted to face it immediately. 00:23:48.336 --> 00:23:51.548 Yeah. And I wished, please, for the love of God, to stop it. 00:23:52.413 --> 00:23:56.116 And I came on that nickel. So if you have a come down nickel, that's mine. 00:23:57.724 --> 00:24:00.826 Well, I mean, let's take care of the problem, not the nickel. 00:24:01.946 --> 00:24:03.518 Let's find out a way to fix this. 00:24:04.666 --> 00:24:08.936 Were you under any sort of spells? You were talking about your witch friend. 00:24:08.936 --> 00:24:10.565 Does she know anything about this? 00:24:11.830 --> 00:24:15.886 Oh, yeah. She's a, yeah. I mean, we're just buddy, like F buddies now. 00:24:15.886 --> 00:24:17.705 Like we're not like full on dating anymore. 00:24:17.902 --> 00:24:19.876 Oh, I didn't mean to imply. Okay, sure. 00:24:19.876 --> 00:24:22.570 I've tried witches. Who's the witch? Who's your witch? 00:24:23.866 --> 00:24:24.299 Noda. 00:24:24.793 --> 00:24:29.856 Oh, Noda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know Noda. i tried nota nota nota no no 00:24:29.856 --> 00:24:37.180 no no no no no uh it she tried but okay 00:24:38.526 --> 00:24:42.176 i literally walked out of her place and immediately saw a coin on the ground 00:24:42.176 --> 00:24:46.659 and immediately came on it and immediately got arrested for indecent exposure 00:24:47.861 --> 00:24:50.090 this was

like tried lighting candles 00:24:51.297 --> 00:24:54.211 yeah just randomly or like with a purpose 00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:58.126 Yeah well lighting candles uh uh getting 00:24:58.926 --> 00:25:04.046 a uh a giant uh melon or pumpkin cutting a hole in the pumpkin and then cutting 00:25:04.046 --> 00:25:08.846 the hole over the top uh filling that pumpkin with wax of the melted candle 00:25:09.466 --> 00:25:10.773 uh and then sticking your dick in it 00:25:11.435 --> 00:25:16.050 Okay you know what he's talking about because you're nodding as if this is no 00:25:16.357 --> 00:25:18.070 really this is common knowledge 00:25:18.418 --> 00:25:22.986 What the hell my mom kept me from masturbating too much when I was. 00:25:22.986 --> 00:25:26.106 In school. What the hell? This is a huge problem of mine. It seems like everyone 00:25:26.106 --> 00:25:27.758 knows a solution. I've prayed for this. 00:25:28.466 --> 00:25:31.932 I've wished upon a come down nickel and I've talked to a witch. 00:25:32.083 --> 00:25:35.006 No one has mentioned the melon candle situation. 00:25:35.006 --> 00:25:36.382 Can I offer you another solution? 00:25:36.887 --> 00:25:39.029 Sure. I'll take any solutions. 00:25:39.436 --> 00:25:40.283 Apple wallet. 00:25:40.754 --> 00:25:41.212 Yeah. 00:25:42.697 --> 00:25:43.876 Apple wallet 00:25:44.247 --> 00:25:47.981 Yeah yeah then you don't need to have any cash no coins on you oh oh. 00:25:48.601 --> 00:25:53.581 Yeah you meant like come on and a digital entity now it makes sense now that 00:25:53.581 --> 00:25:56.490 i don't have any physical legal tender in my hands 00:25:56.768 --> 00:26:00.801 Yes because the problem is the first problem is coins right because masturbation. 00:26:00.801 --> 00:26:04.216 Self-pleasure no is coins legal tender is that just paper 00:26:05.075 --> 00:26:06.353 That's no it's legal tender. 00:26:06.532 --> 00:26:08.843 Legal tender applies to coins as well right 00:26:09.063 --> 00:26:11.581 Well not pennies anymore they discontinue pennies So, 00:26:12.941 --> 00:26:16.601 I mean, I discontinued pennies at this point. So like pennies. Whoa. 00:26:17.161 --> 00:26:22.821 Yeah. I mean, I can't. There's two pennies were my biggest challenge. 00:26:22.821 --> 00:26:25.341 They're so tiny. They're copper, you know, 00:26:25.341 --> 00:26:27.343 Like they're dimes tinier. 00:26:29.621 --> 00:26:30.154 Are they 00:26:31.026 --> 00:26:32.196 Yes they're tinier. 00:26:32.324 --> 00:26:34.832 Yeah but they're like they're silvery you know they're not as 00:26:35.630 --> 00:26:37.119 Easy to spot or 00:26:37.751 --> 00:26:42.430 No i guess they're easier to spot because the light too light a little too light 00:26:42.790 --> 00:26:49.470 yeah they're a little too light for me yep i want to i want to i want dark i want red i meant 00:26:49.470 --> 00:26:50.930 Like wait oh wait. 00:26:51.430 --> 00:26:55.690 Oh i was talking about i think i was talking about the race of the coin that 00:26:55.690 --> 00:26:59.430 that's on me that's on me i think all coins have like they're they're on the 00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:03.550 spectrum of you know how light and dark that they are and i think i'm a sick 00:27:04.050 --> 00:27:07.530 i'm just a sick man that needs solutions so okay i'm 00:27:08.506 --> 00:27:12.425 Sorry yeah apple wallet i think is a great idea and then if you want to go the mystical route 00:27:12.616 --> 00:27:13.230 Okay uh 00:27:13.630 --> 00:27:17.220 Yeah well there's the fuck melon but also uh when you said penny i was thinking 00:27:17.220 --> 00:27:23.560 about what about penny the cum goblin uh uh she hangs out down by the the wishing 00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:25.004 well area the the fountain 00:27:25.283 --> 00:27:29.960 Yeah i know penny have you seen her yeah i have seen her she loves come she's 00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:31.630 not yeah she ain't no coin 00:27:32.150 --> 00:27:36.230 I mean that's why she's a goblin she'd be gobbling it but she can. 00:27:36.630 --> 00:27:43.010 She'll take all your cum and you'll never come again uh that's the beauty of her uh her style yeah she 00:27:43.650 --> 00:27:45.690 Takes all of it yeah what 00:27:46.249 --> 00:27:47.712 Vacuum seals your balls. 00:27:47.991 --> 00:27:50.930 Yeah i think that's like an extreme thing of what i want i still want to be 00:27:50.930 --> 00:28:02.259 able to she just goes oh jesus you did that really well yeah are you the cum goblin 00:28:03.142 --> 00:28:04.530 Well there are many cum goblins 00:28:16.570 --> 00:28:19.177 Thanks, Bill. Thanks, Billy. And thanks to all my guests, Benjamin Ablett. 00:28:19.177 --> 00:28:20.507 He's on Herald Night in L.A. 00:28:20.507 --> 00:28:24.817 Check out his team, Gas Money, and check him out when he does Ask Sketch on Saturdays. 00:28:24.817 --> 00:28:30.037 James Dwyer, he's with Duchovny at TGIF every Friday at BCC in Brooklyn, 00:28:30.246 --> 00:28:33.017 and once a month with Duchovny at the UCB Theater in New York. 00:28:33.017 --> 00:28:36.475 Follow Katie Maravich at Katie Maravich on the socials. You can check her out 00:28:36.696 --> 00:28:40.440 in the upcoming movie, Greatest Treasure in the World, and all over the dropout-overse. 00:28:40.817 --> 00:28:45.937 uh johnny mcnulty the johnny mcnulty on instagram he's on the harold team your 00:28:45.937 --> 00:28:48.277 girlfriend they're at the ucb new york uh 00:28:49.432 --> 00:28:52.357 shannon o'neill third friday of every month she's with the stepfathers at the 00:28:52.357 --> 00:28:56.775 ucb in new york and check her out in asscat and nuns sluts and cunts 00:28:57.106 --> 00:29:00.757 uh and you can follow her at spotastic or at sporamics where you can buy her 00:29:00.757 --> 00:29:04.699 pottery uh billy merit check out bit comedy network.com uh 00:29:05.377 --> 00:29:08.639 it's his online podcast theater experiment where you can record 00:29:08.941 --> 00:29:11.919 your own improvised podcast thanks to seth and newt for the music and the art 00:29:12.122 --> 00:29:14.797 if you want to submit your own first two lines to be used in season two just 00:29:14.797 --> 00:29:20.077 DM me mutterfly the pod on instagram or email mutterfly the pod gmail.com please 00:29:20.077 --> 00:29:22.815 rate and review the show to feed the algorithm 00:29:23.146 --> 00:29:27.302 i'll be back next thursday with the season one finale of mutterfly i'm don finelli 00:29:27.691 --> 00:29:29.986 gore's frozen custard