บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ I've Been to Twelve DIfferent Summer Camps

00:02:10.144 --> 00:02:14.164 TV, Brooklyn nine, nine, Brockmire, Keenan ghosted list goes on. 00:02:14.304 --> 00:02:16.364 He was a series regular on grand crew. 00:02:16.564 --> 00:02:20.344 He's been on miracle worker, his history of the world part two lent his voice 00:02:20.344 --> 00:02:23.584 to all sorts of animated projects, been on comedy, bang, bang a hundred times. 00:02:23.944 --> 00:02:30.484 So I say we get to it. Okay. It's a mutter one with Carl Tartt and Achilles Stamatulaki. 00:02:34.524 --> 00:02:36.424 Release me from this prison. 00:02:38.004 --> 00:02:42.424 I've been to 12 different summer camps. 00:02:45.320 --> 00:02:48.240 Are you comparing that to prison? You're my lawyer. 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:52.420 Yes, I am comparing that to prison, actually. 00:02:54.420 --> 00:03:00.440 And, you know, summer camp, you're there for a certain amount of time, like you are in jail. 00:03:00.940 --> 00:03:04.660 There are activities in each camp. 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:09.880 There's a hierarchy of people. So it's basically the same thing. 00:03:09.880 --> 00:03:16.040 And I've got to tell you, each summer camp I went to, I learned a lot. 00:03:16.300 --> 00:03:19.540 I made a lot of friends. I grew as a person. 00:03:21.540 --> 00:03:28.940 And I wouldn't be who I am now, a successful lawyer, if I didn't live in the 00:03:28.940 --> 00:03:34.420 moment and enjoy myself in each summer camp. Okay? 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.760 Man, what the hell are you talking about? They're about to kill me. 00:03:39.340 --> 00:03:42.500 They're about to kill me. I don't know how I've offended so many gangs, 00:03:42.680 --> 00:03:44.020 but I've offended a lot of gangs. 00:03:44.300 --> 00:03:47.980 I need you to get me out of here. I don't want to hear about no summer camp. 00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:52.820 Okay. Okay. I want to learn more about that. 00:03:53.100 --> 00:03:58.520 I want to tell you that in each summer camp that I went to, I was constantly 00:03:58.520 --> 00:03:59.700 under threat of getting killed. 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:03.280 I mean, you get on the wrong side of one bunk. 00:04:03.740 --> 00:04:08.700 You make fun of a certain popular kid. Uh, kid, people want to, 00:04:08.840 --> 00:04:12.420 people want to go down and beat you up and kill you and take you by the lake 00:04:12.420 --> 00:04:14.600 and, you know, drown you. Okay. 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:22.900 So, okay. Tell me maybe, you know, uh, we can discuss ways to make your time 00:04:22.900 --> 00:04:24.500 in jail a little bit easier. 00:04:24.780 --> 00:04:27.540 What are, who are, who are these people who are trying to kill you? 00:04:28.040 --> 00:04:30.300 The Aryan nation and the Mexican mafia. 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:32.340 That's, yeah, that's bad. That's bad. 00:04:32.780 --> 00:04:35.920 Yeah. And they don't want to take me down by the lake to drown me. 00:04:36.820 --> 00:04:40.460 they want to take me to a place where they can take my butt 00:04:42.242 --> 00:04:43.762 I got a battle ass. 00:04:44.442 --> 00:04:48.022 Right. That's jail slang. I understand that is jail slang. Okay. 00:04:48.702 --> 00:04:53.162 So yeah, Aryan Nation, Mexican Mafia. Those are two of the big ones. Okay. 00:04:53.342 --> 00:04:54.122 Those are the two biggest. 00:04:55.062 --> 00:04:55.522 Yes. 00:04:57.022 --> 00:04:58.902 I'm innocent. I didn't do anything. 00:05:01.398 --> 00:05:07.658 Okay, let's table that for a second, okay? You're innocent. We'll talk about that in a second. 00:05:09.878 --> 00:05:17.698 Aryan Brotherhood Mexican Mafia. Basically, the analogy is to my camp, 00:05:18.358 --> 00:05:29.578 Lori's friends, Lori was a popular girl at the camp, and then the counselors at Bunk B won. 00:05:29.578 --> 00:05:38.418 I mean, they were basically like Aryan Brotherhood and Mexican Mafia, let me tell you, okay? 00:05:38.638 --> 00:05:40.918 And they wanted to have my head, okay? 00:05:42.218 --> 00:05:47.178 And ultimately, you know, I did have my parents call the camp and, 00:05:47.178 --> 00:05:50.618 you know, get them in trouble. So I was able to get out of it. 00:05:50.698 --> 00:05:57.078 And I did switch to a different camp the following year to not get in trouble. 00:05:58.198 --> 00:06:01.878 um so yeah you said you're innocent you said you're innocent they 00:06:01.878 --> 00:06:05.998 Burned me with a hot clothes hanger i don't even know where they got a clothes 00:06:05.998 --> 00:06:07.518 hanger from we're not supposed to have those in here 00:06:07.518 --> 00:06:11.998 That's not allowed that's not allowed you can't have a you can't have a clothes 00:06:11.998 --> 00:06:17.218 hanger and have it be hot that doesn't make any sense that is let me you know 00:06:17.218 --> 00:06:21.138 what i'm gonna call the warden i'm gonna call the warden and i wanna i'm gonna 00:06:21.138 --> 00:06:26.298 ask him to go through every cell and make sure that no hangers, 00:06:26.718 --> 00:06:29.218 no organizers, 00:06:29.758 --> 00:06:35.758 anything you would put in a closet, I'm going to tell him, get that out of there. 00:06:36.498 --> 00:06:37.458 That shouldn't be allowed. 00:06:37.618 --> 00:06:41.178 No, get me out of here. That's what you need to be doing. I don't care about 00:06:41.178 --> 00:06:45.478 the clothes hangers, man. I got to get out of here. I didn't do what they said I did. 00:06:46.778 --> 00:06:51.118 Okay, so let me just go through my papers here. Okay. 00:06:52.468 --> 00:06:55.588 They said, okay, yeah, I'm seeing, I'm seeing here now. 00:06:55.868 --> 00:07:00.948 They call me the Target robber. I don't go to Target. I'm a Walmart guy. 00:07:01.388 --> 00:07:05.408 Right. They called you the, okay, so it sounds like there might be a little 00:07:05.408 --> 00:07:07.608 bit of mistaken identity here. 00:07:08.508 --> 00:07:10.428 Did you rob Walmarts? 00:07:10.668 --> 00:07:13.328 I ain't robbed nothing. I go into a Walmart and I shop. 00:07:13.808 --> 00:07:17.968 I spend money.

There are bank records. Please. 00:07:18.428 --> 00:07:19.828 Are you a Target Circle member? 00:07:20.748 --> 00:07:21.248 No. 00:07:21.248 --> 00:07:25.808 Oh, right, because you go to Walmart. Yes. Of course, you wouldn't be a Target Circle member. 00:07:26.268 --> 00:07:30.248 Okay, that complicates things. That does complicate things. 00:07:31.968 --> 00:07:36.288 Okay, so we have a few options here, okay? So, again, option one, 00:07:36.288 --> 00:07:39.928 I can talk to the warden about the hanger stuff. 00:07:40.568 --> 00:07:43.948 Option two, plea deal. So we have you. 00:07:44.848 --> 00:07:48.088 You plead guilty. You plead guilty. 00:07:49.588 --> 00:07:55.808 Okay? You plead guilty, and that's one of the options. 00:07:56.128 --> 00:07:56.508 What? 00:07:58.028 --> 00:07:59.148 You plead guilty. 00:08:01.741 --> 00:08:06.021 Or the coat hanger thing. And those are our options. 00:08:06.801 --> 00:08:10.141 And we can explore those two options. 00:08:11.241 --> 00:08:15.561 Where were you listed? How did we find you? Are you a public defender? 00:08:16.761 --> 00:08:17.841 Yes, I'm a... 00:08:17.841 --> 00:08:19.981 I had enough money to get a real lawyer. 00:08:21.741 --> 00:08:24.121 Oh, you do? How much money do you have? 00:08:24.421 --> 00:08:29.981 A lot. I had a job. I was doing well. This is bad what's going on to me. 00:08:31.341 --> 00:08:34.181 Right right well yes of course i'm a public 00:08:34.181 --> 00:08:37.341 defender and that's a very um important that's 00:08:37.341 --> 00:08:41.861 one of my very important jobs is to defend public um 00:08:41.861 --> 00:08:44.881 i also uh i'm currently driving 00:08:44.881 --> 00:08:49.201 an uber or lyft do both uh driving 00:08:49.201 --> 00:08:55.021 an uber driving a lyft um working at do you know this um there's a new beer 00:08:55.021 --> 00:08:59.521 garden that opened uh actually a couple miles down from here there's a new beer 00:08:59.521 --> 00:09:05.681 garden that just opened um i'm one of the uh one of the bartenders there you know i 00:09:05.681 --> 00:09:08.221 Haven't been able to visit it because i'm in prison 00:09:12.255 --> 00:09:16.675 Thanks, Achilles. Thanks, Carl. Up next, two wonderful, hilarious humans. 00:09:16.855 --> 00:09:18.415 It's Craig Rowan and Catherine Muton. 00:09:18.795 --> 00:09:23.595 I've known Muton forever. I mean, we were in a Chris Gethard class to get multiple 00:09:23.595 --> 00:09:27.935 Chris Gethard classes. We're in this like insane experimental indie team called Dreadnought. 00:09:28.335 --> 00:09:32.795 We used to do two prof together a bunch, managed by Connor Ratliff, 00:09:32.875 --> 00:09:34.355 who you will hear later in this episode. 00:09:34.475 --> 00:09:36.975 It's a long story. It's Connor, though. He was like, I'm going to get you guys 00:09:36.975 --> 00:09:39.455 shows. You got something, you know, it's Connor in a nutshell. 00:09:39.875 --> 00:09:43.595 But fun fact, I was on a way to do one of those shows with Catherine and I saw 00:09:43.595 --> 00:09:45.835 Severed Head in the New York City subway. 00:09:46.255 --> 00:09:48.935 And I did a show 30 minutes after that. 00:09:49.055 --> 00:09:49.795 It was a pretty good show. 00:09:49.975 --> 00:09:54.095 I was quite dialed in. But back to Catherine. You maybe have seen her on Matlock 00:09:54.095 --> 00:10:00.655 or Dollface or Tales of the City on Netflix or in commercials around the country. 00:10:01.135 --> 00:10:05.175 Craig Rowan, a longtime UCB New York performer, improv, sketch. 00:10:05.175 --> 00:10:07.955 watch uh he's out here in la now but uh he was part 00:10:07.955 --> 00:10:11.255 of my pandemic chess playing crew with 00:10:11.255 --> 00:10:14.295 a past guest dan klein we were both on the long-running 00:10:14.295 --> 00:10:19.495 mod team gramps at ucb in new york although we only overlapped i think for a 00:10:19.495 --> 00:10:22.995 best of show but it was still fun to work with him nonetheless but he's written 00:10:22.995 --> 00:10:26.735 for shows like the big door prize search party the animated series close enough 00:10:26.735 --> 00:10:31.015 bless this mess wet hot american summer 10 years later night of too many stars 00:10:31.015 --> 00:10:32.995 Your pretty face is going to hell plenty more. 00:10:33.435 --> 00:10:37.235 And we have our first cut to mid-scene here. 00:10:37.695 --> 00:10:43.275 Craig pulls out a cut to. Haven't seen that yet. And my computer crashed during this scene. 00:10:43.315 --> 00:10:44.715 So I was 00:10:44.715 --> 00:10:47.595 Scrambling to come back on. I missed like five minutes of the scene. 00:10:47.735 --> 00:10:49.835 So I'm excited to hear it with you all. 00:10:50.315 --> 00:10:53.955 So it's Catherine Muton. It's Craig Rowan. And they got our second mutter. 00:10:57.815 --> 00:11:01.175 Release me from this prison 00:11:01.175 --> 00:11:08.215 I've been to 12 different summer camps. 00:11:10.167 --> 00:11:14.867 Did the others have exit routes? 00:11:15.907 --> 00:11:19.527 Or are you just at summer camp against your will? Because that is what this 00:11:19.527 --> 00:11:21.247 is starting to feel like. 00:11:21.787 --> 00:11:26.547 I don't want to do crafts. I don't want to be in a river. I don't want to be 00:11:26.547 --> 00:11:29.047 in a pond. I don't want to bake. 00:11:30.547 --> 00:11:36.307 I've been to 12 different summer camps with you. This is the one you're sticking with. 00:11:36.907 --> 00:11:44.287 And if you don't, I don't even know where to begin. If this doesn't work I've had it up to here. 00:11:45.327 --> 00:11:52.547 Father I've said it 11 other times These are beneath me You understand Developmentally, 00:11:52.647 --> 00:11:59.947 Spiritually They don't give refunds Because you have to say A week before That's 00:11:59.947 --> 00:12:05.867 when you're locked in I have paid for 12 different summer camps I am in I need 00:12:05.867 --> 00:12:11.007 these weeks I need these weeks I need to work. It is eight weeks

of the summer. 00:12:11.227 --> 00:12:13.827 You wanted to go to camp. You asked me to go to camp. 00:12:14.287 --> 00:12:16.487 Please, what is wrong with this one? 00:12:17.407 --> 00:12:22.087 I will accept the fact that I wanted to go to camp, Father, because I realize 00:12:22.087 --> 00:12:24.627 now it has been romanticized in literature. 00:12:24.807 --> 00:12:29.947 It has been romanticized by the media. It is not that case in reality. 00:12:30.407 --> 00:12:34.967 These are plebeians. Do you know what They talk about it in these bunk beds at night. 00:12:36.307 --> 00:12:42.267 Depravity, father, the depravity. Crushes this, kisses, kisses and crushes. 00:12:43.467 --> 00:12:48.307 You've been here at Camp Crystal Lake for three days. 00:12:48.627 --> 00:12:51.667 Give it a chance. This has a great pedigree. 00:12:52.187 --> 00:12:55.567 I've seen it in headlines. I have not read the full articles, 00:12:55.567 --> 00:13:02.587 but I have seen many news stories about this. and I know for a fact it is a well-known camp. 00:13:02.787 --> 00:13:05.327 End of story. You've got to stay here. 00:13:06.287 --> 00:13:11.147 Let me crack inside that mind of your father. What miraculous occurrence do 00:13:11.147 --> 00:13:12.747 you imagine happening on day four? 00:13:13.007 --> 00:13:13.447 Hmm? 00:13:15.875 --> 00:13:17.595 What could possibly transform? 00:13:18.555 --> 00:13:21.655 I urge you. I don't know if you know this. This might be a little history lesson, 00:13:21.655 --> 00:13:24.455 but there was a young, not young. This is a while ago. 00:13:24.595 --> 00:13:27.955 There was a comedy performer named Alan Sherman who wrote a little song called 00:13:27.955 --> 00:13:29.295 Hello Mudda, Hello Fada. 00:13:29.695 --> 00:13:33.615 Now, this song is about how he didn't want to go to camp. He's writing a letter 00:13:33.615 --> 00:13:36.575 home. He doesn't like camp, just like my daughter. 00:13:36.875 --> 00:13:39.415 But guess what the last line of the song is? 00:13:40.155 --> 00:13:45.015 Please disregard this letter because it stopped raining and he enjoyed it. 00:13:45.175 --> 00:13:45.495 Kids are playing. 00:13:45.875 --> 00:13:51.715 Yes, that's day four. That is day four, Suzanne. I urge you, stick with day four. 00:13:52.055 --> 00:13:55.995 Alan Sherman, if he taught me nothing else, it was to give it a chance. 00:13:59.149 --> 00:14:04.209 I shall stay through day four, Father, for the great Alan Sherman, 00:14:04.249 --> 00:14:06.229 if for none other reason than that. 00:14:06.369 --> 00:14:12.949 But I am very concerned that that song, that beloved song, is another over-romanticized 00:14:12.949 --> 00:14:17.949 media pillar romanticizing camp. Hello, mother. 00:14:18.589 --> 00:14:19.189 Yes. 00:14:19.229 --> 00:14:19.989 Hello, Father. 00:14:20.389 --> 00:14:20.969 Yes. 00:14:21.269 --> 00:14:26.549 Here I am at Crystal Lakes. He was at Camp Granada. I'd like to be at Camp Granada, 00:14:26.649 --> 00:14:28.189 but I'm

not. I'm at Crystal Lakes Camp. 00:14:28.189 --> 00:14:34.169 This is where you are. And listen, I read literature about this camp up until 00:14:34.169 --> 00:14:40.069 1953, and it was founded by somebody named, her last name was Voorhees. 00:14:40.189 --> 00:14:45.309 And I've seen some headlines about it, general headlines, which I'm a busy man. 00:14:45.569 --> 00:14:49.869 I work in the stock market. I spend a lot of time looking at numbers. 00:14:49.869 --> 00:14:54.489 I can't be bothered with reading too many words, but I know that it's newsworthy. 00:14:54.989 --> 00:14:59.749 And from those facts, I can say, by day four or five, if you stick with your 00:14:59.749 --> 00:15:03.629 co-ed counselors, you will have a good time and you will enjoy yourself. 00:15:03.889 --> 00:15:07.449 So I bid you adieu and I will be back on visiting day. 00:15:08.969 --> 00:15:16.789 Oh, Father. I shall grab my pen and paper just like Alan Sherman and I shall 00:15:16.789 --> 00:15:18.069 write of the day's events. 00:15:19.589 --> 00:15:21.149 I have to ask the Father. 00:15:21.909 --> 00:15:31.749 I'm in my car. Goodbye And we cut to Visiting I'm sorry you're the camp director. 00:15:33.313 --> 00:15:38.353 Yes. Hi. So nice to meet you. We love Suzanne. 00:15:38.613 --> 00:15:45.513 Go ahead. I got, yeah, I, I, I, you seem very chipper, but I did get a voicemail 00:15:45.513 --> 00:15:48.193 about some disturbing news. 00:15:48.313 --> 00:15:53.633 I didn't listen to the full voicemail, but it sounded like something bad happened at camp. 00:15:54.613 --> 00:15:59.313 Yeah. Well, apparently there's a famous song about camp where a bunch of the 00:15:59.313 --> 00:16:00.873 kids contracted poison ivy. 00:16:01.433 --> 00:16:06.353 And sweet Susanna, we have reason to believe that she actually went foraging in the forest. 00:16:06.533 --> 00:16:09.993 She told us she was going to go read Thoreau. It turns out that was only half true. 00:16:11.073 --> 00:16:14.693 And she did, in fact, gather baskets and baskets of poison ivy, 00:16:14.773 --> 00:16:18.213 which she stuffed inside the mattresses of all the other children. 00:16:18.393 --> 00:16:22.833 And so they have, in fact, ubiquitously contracted poison ivy. 00:16:23.293 --> 00:16:31.233 Oh, thank God. Thank the Lord. Now, I was worried that something truly awful 00:16:31.233 --> 00:16:34.093 had happened, and that is fine, and I am willing to pay whatever money it is 00:16:34.093 --> 00:16:37.733 to talk to all the parents and make it right. Now, where is my Susanna? 00:16:40.673 --> 00:16:46.313 Oh, she is in, well, we don't like to call it that, but you might think of it 00:16:46.313 --> 00:16:47.373 as solitary confinement. 00:16:48.133 --> 00:16:54.053 We call it mandatory alone time, but she is in a camp locked in solitary confinement. 00:16:54.873 --> 00:17:01.253 Okay, I'm fine with that as well. The reason I am a captain of industry is I 00:17:01.253 --> 00:17:03.673 also spent some time in solitary confinement. 00:17:03.673 --> 00:17:07.673 I was actually in the Vietnam War, and I was alongside John McCain. 00:17:07.673 --> 00:17:12.253 As you can see from my hands, we had a similar problem. 00:17:14.333 --> 00:17:15.773 But I'd be happy to. 00:17:15.773 --> 00:17:16.613 Talk to her. Thank you for calling it out. 00:17:17.253 --> 00:17:23.573 It's kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, please. I know that you're really staring at them. 00:17:23.733 --> 00:17:26.033 So I'm totally comfortable talking about that. 00:17:26.975 --> 00:17:30.275 Wow. Well, thank you for your service, first of all. 00:17:30.375 --> 00:17:33.735 Please. It was truly nothing. Truly nothing. 00:17:37.535 --> 00:17:45.195 It's just part of my story. I don't like to think of myself as a hero, even though others do. 00:17:46.055 --> 00:17:51.255 Yes. No, we certainly do. We certainly do. There was also, as you know, 00:17:51.335 --> 00:17:54.415 the camp community here, it's a tight-knit group. 00:17:55.095 --> 00:18:00.555 And so I did receive some feedback from other camps, a majority of other camps, 00:18:00.675 --> 00:18:04.695 who said that Susanna has a kind of a track record of deviant behavior at some 00:18:04.695 --> 00:18:06.535 of these sleepaway camps. 00:18:06.815 --> 00:18:10.175 Yes, yes, yes, yes. We have had some problems with 11 other camps. 00:18:11.275 --> 00:18:16.315 Right. Okay. So the poison ivy seemed to relieve, you were relieved to hear 00:18:16.315 --> 00:18:17.695 that. Were there some other... 00:18:19.134 --> 00:18:25.274 Yes, there's a mistake I made. I thought, now, I heard only part of the voicemail. 00:18:25.414 --> 00:18:31.034 I had reason to believe that there was a mass, this is going to be graphic, 00:18:31.194 --> 00:18:36.074 but a mass murder on this camp because I had read some headlines that I had finished them. 00:18:36.234 --> 00:18:44.214 And I guess Camp Crystal Lake has been known for this psycho killer named Jason Voorhees. 00:18:44.414 --> 00:18:47.154 But I'm glad to find out that that is not the case. 00:18:47.154 --> 00:18:59.934 Oh oh oh oh yes yes yes famously jason forhees yes oh oh you know what this 00:18:59.934 --> 00:19:05.174 i'm new to cap culture i'm so new to cap culture it's quite no that was 00:19:05.174 --> 00:19:07.734 My that was my relief that was my relief. 00:19:08.754 --> 00:19:13.134 You know what? I was just, I worked in, I was a barista. 00:19:13.194 --> 00:19:18.974 I worked, I was a barista in, in Europe, actually. So I did, I know almost nothing. 00:19:18.974 --> 00:19:23.534 Can I ask you something about that? That's, can I ask you something? What is an affogato? 00:19:24.854 --> 00:19:30.214 A little bit of ice cream, a nice hot shot of espresso, and then you could put, 00:19:30.274 --> 00:19:34.374 you know, cinnamon or some, some crema on top if you want. It's delicious. 00:19:34.374 --> 00:19:38.894 Are people drinking this at night? Because I've seen people drink an avocado,

00:19:39.274 --> 00:19:43.514 but I think, how are you going to sleep after this? This is truly insane to me. 00:19:44.094 --> 00:19:46.714 These Europeans are insane. They'll have an espresso with dessert, 00:19:46.854 --> 00:19:51.154 but this is espresso and dessert. So you just say, you know what? Make it an avocado. 00:19:52.074 --> 00:19:55.694 Well, now you said you were a barista. I am this drive. 00:19:55.894 --> 00:19:58.934 It was a long drive up here. I know you're not on as a barista. 00:19:59.094 --> 00:20:03.874 You are working at the camp, but is it possible to get some sort of some sort of Java? 00:20:04.974 --> 00:20:09.454 Yes, absolutely. Actually, that was one of the fun projects that I took on when 00:20:09.454 --> 00:20:12.014 they signed me is I made a coffee bar. 00:20:12.174 --> 00:20:15.194 And then the students, the guests, we're supposed to call them guests, 00:20:15.534 --> 00:20:17.434 they can learn coffee culture. 00:20:17.574 --> 00:20:21.194 They can learn, you know, just the basics of, you know, breaking a 10, 00:20:21.594 --> 00:20:24.274 easy, simple, simple things like that. So, yeah. What would you like? 00:20:25.114 --> 00:20:30.174 I'll just have a, I guess I'll just have an espresso if that's doable. 00:20:30.794 --> 00:20:34.074 Oh, easy, easy. Here you go. We can walk right over here. 00:20:35.834 --> 00:20:40.874 What movie is the Jason boys? I get them all jumbled. 00:20:41.194 --> 00:20:41.614 Sure. 00:20:41.954 --> 00:20:44.374 We got Halloween. We got Freddy. Yeah. 00:20:44.574 --> 00:20:50.594 Yes, yes. It's Friday the 13th Part 1. It's Friday the 13th Part 2. 00:20:51.094 --> 00:20:55.114 It's Friday the 13th Part 3. It's Friday the 13th Part 4. 00:20:55.514 --> 00:20:59.814 It's Friday the 13th Part 5. It's Friday the 13th Part 6. 00:21:00.034 --> 00:21:05.074 It's Friday the 13th Part 7. It's Friday the 13th Part 8. It's Freddy vs. 00:21:05.294 --> 00:21:10.254 Jason And it's also the remakes Any remakes of Friday the 13th Which I believe 00:21:10.254 --> 00:21:16.054 there might be some But I could be wrong about that I've only seen four or five of these films I. 00:21:16.054 --> 00:21:22.334 Gotta carve out a few weekends I got a lot of Catching up to do Which one has 00:21:22.334 --> 00:21:25.714 a stunning young Jamie Lee Curtis? Is that Friday the 13th? 00:21:29.754 --> 00:21:35.574 That would be Halloween Part 1 And Halloween Part 2 Maybe Halloween part three? 00:21:35.874 --> 00:21:38.674 No, not Halloween part three. Halloween part four? 00:21:39.498 --> 00:21:42.938 And then the new, the last three new Halloween's. 00:21:46.738 --> 00:21:51.558 Thank you, Catherine. Thank you, Craig. And thank you to my computer for crashing during that. 00:21:51.678 --> 00:21:56.158 Last up, we have the delightful and hilarious, the master of characters, 00:21:56.298 --> 00:21:59.398 Michael Hartney, and the one and only Connor Ratliff. 00:21:59.958 --> 00:22:04.498 Hartney, of course, was the UCB New York AD for the last, I don't know, six or seven years. 00:22:04.658 --> 00:22:08.638 His run, unfortunately, coming to an end. But I said this on the Justin Tyler 00:22:08.638 --> 00:22:12.638 episode, Hartney and Justin, they started this group called Characters Welcome. 00:22:13.478 --> 00:22:17.158 Eventually, I think that became its own show. And then Betty teams were formed. 00:22:17.258 --> 00:22:19.858 These character teams were formed at UCBA. But it was first just this little 00:22:19.858 --> 00:22:23.178 collective. It was like a drop-in where people could just try out characters, 00:22:23.298 --> 00:22:26.958 get notes from everyone. And I will shout out Justin and Hartney again for, 00:22:26.978 --> 00:22:31.378 I think, giving me the notes that got me into the Just for Laughs festival. 00:22:31.638 --> 00:22:37.038 They gave me some fantastic notes on some characters. So a public thank you to both of them. 00:22:37.578 --> 00:22:42.318 But yeah, I think the group became a showcase and a regular show and turned 00:22:42.318 --> 00:22:43.898 into an actual showcase at UCB. 00:22:44.578 --> 00:22:47.998 I think these are Betty teams. Guys, I've been a little out of the loop, 00:22:48.178 --> 00:22:52.518 okay? But you might have seen Hartney on Natasha Rothwell's show, 00:22:52.618 --> 00:22:56.238 How to Die Alone, or The Politician on Netflix, or 30 Rock. 00:22:56.398 --> 00:22:59.638 He's lent his voice to all sorts of podcast series. 00:23:00.698 --> 00:23:06.358 Connor Ratliff, an ambitious madman known for his amazing live shows, 00:23:06.678 --> 00:23:11.958 The Acting Class currently, or the George Lucas talk show, a veteran UCB performer, 00:23:12.178 --> 00:23:16.538 still rocking out the Stepfathers in New York, where I had the pleasure of playing with him for many years. 00:23:16.538 --> 00:23:19.658 Uh, but he's been on the big screen, the small screen, most recently in the 00:23:19.658 --> 00:23:22.878 film run amok and, uh, the, the mean girls remake. 00:23:23.118 --> 00:23:26.198 Uh, but he's been on a ghost, Bob's burgers, the great North, 00:23:26.378 --> 00:23:29.838 marvelous, Miss Maisel, uh, search party, tons of others. 00:23:29.978 --> 00:23:33.778 And he's currently working on a widow's Bay on Apple TV. 00:23:34.158 --> 00:23:38.378 So, uh, I say we get to our final mutter with Connor and Michael. 00:23:42.541 --> 00:23:45.941 Oh, release me from this prison. 00:23:49.661 --> 00:23:51.921 I've been to 12 different summer camps. 00:23:52.941 --> 00:23:58.241 Please, please. Do you see, young man, young man? 00:23:58.601 --> 00:24:00.981 Do you see the keys over there? 00:24:01.721 --> 00:24:05.941 Why use keys when I can build you keys? I've learned how to do that. 00:24:06.461 --> 00:24:09.321 Oh, please, anything. Just get me out of here, 00:24:09.381 --> 00:24:11.421 Please. Have you heard of Boondoggle? 00:24:12.981 --> 00:24:16.121 Boondoggle? No, yes. What is that, an app? What is that? 00:24:16.881

--> 00:24:23.621 It might be an app, but I'm referring specifically to the colored kind of plastic 00:24:24.741 --> 00:24:27.801 string that you can sculpt things out of. 00:24:28.141 --> 00:24:33.521 Well, please, whatever you can do. What if you can fashion a key to let me out 00:24:33.521 --> 00:24:34.461 of here? How did you get down there? 00:24:34.461 --> 00:24:35.521 I kayaked here. 00:24:36.621 --> 00:24:37.681 You kayaked here? 00:24:37.781 --> 00:24:38.541 I learned how. 00:24:39.301 --> 00:24:40.741 Wow, what an impressive 00:24:40.741 --> 00:24:44.101 Missileur Jason is quite a rower. 00:24:46.801 --> 00:24:51.741 I think you are an impressive young man. I would love to see you fashion a key 00:24:51.741 --> 00:24:53.421 to release me from this prison. 00:24:53.561 --> 00:24:55.961 Thank you. This island is bleak. 00:24:56.701 --> 00:24:58.901 Yes, yes, it is bleak. I have been here. 00:24:58.921 --> 00:25:01.761 It's summer, but there's no leaves on any of the trees. 00:25:02.581 --> 00:25:06.081 Please, please, fashion a key. Get me out of here, please. I don't know how 00:25:06.081 --> 00:25:08.221 long I've been here, but I want to be released. 00:25:08.421 --> 00:25:11.481 And you've won. You've won. You've won. You've won the challenge, 00:25:11.601 --> 00:25:14.841 young man Yes, you found me, you found my prison Please let me out, 00:25:14.861 --> 00:25:22.481 I don't know how long Cumula da vista Oh my god Young man, either make me a key You have 00:25:22.481 --> 00:25:25.521 To repeat it Cumula da vista 00:25:25.521 --> 00:25:27.421 Cumula da vista, what does it mean? 00:25:28.361 --> 00:25:32.201 It's a song I learned At my eighth camp 00:25:34.722 --> 00:25:36.342 Young man, I take it you are a man of means. 00:25:36.602 --> 00:25:38.742 Cumulata, cumulata, cumulata, cumulata, yes. 00:25:39.642 --> 00:25:43.662 Listen, I have been prisoner on this island for what must be years now. 00:25:43.902 --> 00:25:48.102 Yeah, I see the hash marks on the dirt wall behind you. 00:25:48.202 --> 00:25:51.502 I was tricked into being here. I was a pawn in a billionaire's game. 00:25:51.502 --> 00:25:55.362 I thought I was here for an opportunity. It turned out to be a living nightmare. 00:25:55.842 --> 00:26:00.142 I want you to please either walk over to that desk where those keys are laying 00:26:00.142 --> 00:26:04.642 and take one of the keys and let me out, or fashion a key using your boondoggle method. 00:26:04.862 --> 00:26:07.262 I did not expect a desk to be here. 00:26:07.762 --> 00:26:11.982 No, no. Yes, every now and then it's rarely used, but every now and then there 00:26:11.982 --> 00:26:18.302 is someone here, an administrator who will sit behind the desk and will taunt me and I want to be free. 00:26:18.482 --> 00:26:22.102 Please, please, young man. You strike me as very resourceful. 00:26:22.162 --> 00:26:27.162 I bet if we use willpower, we can will your cell open. 00:26:28.867 --> 00:26:35.647 We lifted the heaviest

person a few nights ago. We shouldn't have been able to do it. 00:26:35.807 --> 00:26:40.127 That's great. Open the lock, please, to this cage. We don't have much time. 00:26:40.247 --> 00:26:42.527 We don't have much time. And you're winning. You're coming so close. 00:26:42.687 --> 00:26:45.887 You're coming so close to winning. And how impressed everyone will be. 00:26:46.467 --> 00:26:48.727 Please just either get the keys over there or fashion a key. 00:26:48.847 --> 00:26:50.607 But get me out of here. Willpower, I don't care what it is. 00:26:50.707 --> 00:26:55.727 Hey, little boy, what are you doing? What are you doing here, little boy? 00:26:56.247 --> 00:27:00.427 I was just exploring with my kayak. 00:27:00.867 --> 00:27:06.487 Oh, okay. All right, don't give him any keys, okay? Explore away, little boy. Yeah. 00:27:06.727 --> 00:27:07.147 Oh. 00:27:07.567 --> 00:27:12.707 No problem. Just don't touch the desk. Don't touch the desk. 00:27:13.087 --> 00:27:13.807 Well, I won't. 00:27:14.287 --> 00:27:18.527 Okay. We do a lot of stuff on there, a lot of admin work. 00:27:19.287 --> 00:27:19.767 Oh. 00:27:20.667 --> 00:27:24.007 Don't let him out. Collate? Yeah, we collate. 00:27:24.007 --> 00:27:31.887 We shuffle papers around I use my Well there's no phone But we take very secret 00:27:31.887 --> 00:27:36.907 documents And we collate them here And then we leave for long periods of time Okay 00:27:36.907 --> 00:27:41.147 So you're leaving now and you're going to be gone For a while 00:27:41.147 --> 00:27:46.127 I come back, I collate Let me just collate real quick Excuse me, 00:27:46.127 --> 00:27:52.527 pardon me Got a nice kayak out there Thanks How you doing prisoner? 00:27:53.087 --> 00:27:54.647 Good Good. Fine. 00:27:55.267 --> 00:27:55.767 Dumb-dumb. 00:27:56.607 --> 00:28:00.127 I'm stupid. I am stupid. You are stupid. I am a dummy. 00:28:00.387 --> 00:28:03.527 You're a stupid, stupid idiot. Bad everything. Okay, collate, 00:28:03.667 --> 00:28:10.127 collate, collate, collate, collate, collate, collate, and collate. Did you see me collate? 00:28:10.667 --> 00:28:11.587 Yes. Good job. 00:28:11.587 --> 00:28:12.647 You put my dad to shame. 00:28:13.167 --> 00:28:13.527 Yes. 00:28:13.867 --> 00:28:14.187 Oh. 00:28:15.227 --> 00:28:16.387 Is that good or bad? 00:28:17.187 --> 00:28:18.767 Good. You're very good at collating. 00:28:19.047 --> 00:28:22.407 Oh, thank you so much. Okay. Well, I'll be back in a month. 00:28:24.501 --> 00:28:25.061 Wow. 00:28:25.581 --> 00:28:27.781 We get to hang out for a whole month. 00:28:28.121 --> 00:28:29.281 No, no, no, no, no, please. 00:28:29.781 --> 00:28:32.901 Isn't that the takeaway from what just happened? 00:28:33.121 --> 00:28:33.921 Is that we hang out for a month? 00:28:33.921 --> 00:28:38.101 No, I believe he said get the keys from the desk. He said make sure to get the keys from the desk. 00:28:38.281 --> 00:28:40.861 Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to do that until he gets back. 00:28:41.161 --> 00:28:46.241 No, no, the game is he says something, and then you get those keys, 00:28:46.481 --> 00:28:48.041 open the lock. He said he'd be back in a month. 00:28:48.241 --> 00:28:52.861 Just let me out for a little bit. I'll be back. I'll put myself back in here before he returns. 00:28:53.421 --> 00:28:59.381 Please, please, young man, young man, please, I need you to open this cage and 00:28:59.381 --> 00:29:01.221 let me out. I need it more than anything. 00:29:01.441 --> 00:29:04.561 I need it more than anything, young man. It's the one thing I want. 00:29:04.641 --> 00:29:06.521 I'm making a wish. I'm pleading with you. 00:29:07.141 --> 00:29:10.581 Please either fashion a key or grab those keys. That feels like the easiest 00:29:10.581 --> 00:29:13.501 route to freedom is just grab those keys. 00:29:13.661 --> 00:29:17.341 They are within your arm's reach right now. You're lingering near the desk. 00:29:18.501 --> 00:29:22.301 So close to picking them up. So close to picking them up. Please just grab them. 00:29:22.301 --> 00:29:24.241 Don't just touch them. Don't just rub them. 00:29:24.581 --> 00:29:27.881 Pick them up. It's a good start. Touching them. Touching the keys because you've 00:29:27.881 --> 00:29:28.701 already broken his rule. 00:29:29.481 --> 00:29:33.521 Touching the keys. Now you've broken that rule. Now break a second rule. Pick up the keys. 00:29:34.121 --> 00:29:37.201 Jingle them. Jingle the keys. Can you jingle? Can you give me a jingle? 00:29:37.601 --> 00:29:41.401 Ah, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Very good. Now put the keys. 00:29:41.801 --> 00:29:44.981 There's only a limited number of keys in there. One of them opens his cage. 00:29:45.181 --> 00:29:46.641 Please come over here and open the cage. 00:29:46.801 --> 00:29:51.501 She was afraid to go home because of the man in the mask. 00:29:53.641 --> 00:29:57.021 She was afraid to go home because of the man in the mask. Is this a riddle? 00:29:57.461 --> 00:29:59.661 I solve the riddle and you will open this cage? 00:30:00.421 --> 00:30:02.361 Doesn't that seem like what maybe it is? 00:30:02.641 --> 00:30:09.161 I don't know. I don't know. She was afraid. She was afraid. She was afraid to go home. 00:30:09.161 --> 00:30:10.021 To go home. 00:30:10.141 --> 00:30:14.161 Because of the man in the mask. I don't get it. I don't get it. 00:30:14.381 --> 00:30:17.101 Solve it for me and open it. She's a softball player. 00:30:19.221 --> 00:30:20.541 She's on third base. 00:30:20.781 --> 00:30:24.541 That's very good. That's very good. That's good. 00:30:24.861 --> 00:30:30.561 I like that. You're smart. I couldn't figure it out. You are a clever little boy. 00:30:32.301 --> 00:30:35.501 Please do another riddle while you open the cage. I'd love to hear another one. 00:30:35.621 --> 00:30:37.541 I'm going to bury these keys real quick. 00:30:37.561 --> 00:30:40.781 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. If you want, bury them over close. 00:30:41.061

--> 00:30:45.161 Bury them close. Not far. Not over there. Don't bury them over there. It's a bad spot. 00:30:45.661 --> 00:30:49.881 I just want to see if my metal detector will pick them up from how deep I'm putting them. 00:30:49.881 --> 00:30:53.561 What's better is over by these bars. Metal bars. See if they can pick them up. 00:30:53.641 --> 00:30:55.401 I think it might get confused. 00:30:55.621 --> 00:30:57.941 It will keep just detecting the barns, right? 00:30:58.281 --> 00:30:59.901 It won't get confused. No, no, no, no. 00:31:00.581 --> 00:31:04.041 Wow, we tell each other riddles, and I think I just solved that one. 00:31:05.001 --> 00:31:08.441 You know, before you bury them, maybe try them out and make sure they work. 00:31:09.661 --> 00:31:13.841 There's no point. There's no point burying keys that don't work. There's no point. 00:31:14.421 --> 00:31:15.301 That's true. Okay. 00:31:16.041 --> 00:31:21.221 Okay, come try them out in the lock. Okay. Okay. All right. 00:31:22.441 --> 00:31:25.361 Okay, that one doesn't. That's not it. That's not it. That's not the one. 00:31:25.401 --> 00:31:27.841 Okay. I know that's not the one. Try it. The next one. 00:31:28.041 --> 00:31:29.201 There's 80 keys on here. 00:31:29.781 --> 00:31:30.801 You know what? We have a month. 00:31:36.384 --> 00:31:40.584 That's it. We've done. Thank you, Michael Hartney. Thank you, Connor Ratliff. 00:31:40.824 --> 00:31:44.644 Thank you to Anthony Lucci for the first two lines for this episode. 00:31:44.764 --> 00:31:48.064 And thanks to all my guests, Carl Tartt. Check him out on Hollywood Handbook, 00:31:48.244 --> 00:31:52.184 patreon.com slash Hollywood Handbook, and Saturday Night Live. 00:31:52.924 --> 00:31:56.564 Achilles Stamatolaiki, check him out at ASCAP at UCB. 00:31:57.704 --> 00:32:01.424 And he directed a show called The Trial at UCB. I'm not sure if it's still playing 00:32:01.424 --> 00:32:04.244 when this is coming out, but if it is, please go check that out. 00:32:04.244 --> 00:32:05.304 Check out Catherine Udon. 00:32:05.424 --> 00:32:09.064 She's performing in Denouement, an improvised murder mystery. 00:32:09.224 --> 00:32:12.904 I'm not sure if I pronounced that correctly, but it's once a month at the Elysian. 00:32:13.004 --> 00:32:15.984 I think the next show is Sunday, May 10th at 7.30 p.m. 00:32:16.264 --> 00:32:19.524 Follow Craig Rowan on Instagram at Craig Rowan. 00:32:19.784 --> 00:32:23.944 Check out Michael Hartney in Characters Welcome the last Friday of every month at UCB New York. 00:32:24.124 --> 00:32:27.444 Connor Ratliff is on Widow's Bay on Apple TV. 00:32:27.604 --> 00:32:30.904 And you can go to Connor Ratliff Presents the Acting Class on YouTube. 00:32:30.904 --> 00:32:34.564 or check out the stepfathers performing monthly at the UCB in New York. 00:32:34.764 --> 00:32:38.024 Thank you to Seth and Nooch for the music and the art. And if you want to submit 00:32:38.024 --> 00:32:41.724 your own first two lines to be used in a future episode, just like Anthony Lucci did, 00:32:41.964 --> 00:32:47.744 you can DM me at MutterflyThePod on Instagram or email MutterflyThePod at gmail.com 00:32:47.744 --> 00:32:51.144 or you can call or text 657-222-1324. 00:32:51.464 --> 00:32:53.004 Leave me a message. 00:32:53.444 --> 00:32:58.404 See you next Thursday. All new episode of Mutterfly. Okay, I'm Don Finnelli. Thanks.