บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ I'm 355 Years Old, Today

00:04:48.409 --> 00:04:54.270 Yeah. Whoever, whatever name is on it, that's where I ended up last night. 00:04:54.970 --> 00:04:58.650 I stole his Emmy. Because I was like, there's no way he knows I'm here. 00:04:58.650 --> 00:05:00.141 Because I don't know how I got here. 00:05:01.285 --> 00:05:03.926 I don't. What am I going to do with. 00:05:04.210 --> 00:05:07.130 You always said you wanted an Emmy. You've always said that. 00:05:07.650 --> 00:05:11.470 Since college, it's been like, we're going to move to LA. I'm going to get an Emmy. I got you. 00:05:11.470 --> 00:05:15.090 I don't want Aaron Sorkin's Emmy. What am I going to do with this? What am I going to do? 00:05:15.750 --> 00:05:19.772 Oh, my God. that's why the coke was so good we were at sorkin's 00:05:20.753 --> 00:05:22.490 Oh what am i gonna do with i don't want 00:05:22.490 --> 00:05:25.751 This is constantly you think his scripts are fast it was crazy sorry what 00:05:25.984 --> 00:05:27.650 He got you met him he was there 00:05:28.102 --> 00:05:31.783 Yeah we didn't break into sorkin's house he we met him at the abbey and he brought us back oh my god 00:05:33.193 --> 00:05:35.005 Aaron sorkin's going to the abbey 00:05:35.492 --> 00:05:38.310 Oh you can't he's gay don't tell anyone but don't 00:05:38.750 --> 00:05:40.914 What i'm okay can you not 00:05:41.843 --> 00:05:45.512 What because then that fucks things up for if i out aaron sorkin don't just like 00:05:45.842 --> 00:05:56.330 Uh jake simon uh i got your keys man oh um they told they told your car they 00:05:56.330 --> 00:05:59.240 told your car the car is gone. 00:06:00.330 --> 00:06:01.310 Hey jared how you doing 00:06:01.650 --> 00:06:03.400 Oh hey man happy birthday hey. 00:06:03.400 --> 00:06:04.260 Thank you thank 00:06:04.260 --> 00:06:08.370 You no problem man oh i feel like i'm 700 years old. 00:06:08.370 --> 00:06:12.190 Today no it's bad it's bad it's bad huh it's but we're trying to we're trying 00:06:12.190 --> 00:06:15.210 to keep it tight for tayo's birthday we're trying I just 00:06:15.210 --> 00:06:19.970 Wanted to give you your keys because they were in the toilet and I don't wash 00:06:19.970 --> 00:06:20.890 my hands, but here you go. 00:06:21.230 --> 00:06:22.880 Oh, thank you. All right. 00:06:22.880 --> 00:06:24.944 But they towed it. It's downtown. 00:06:25.594 --> 00:06:29.814 Okay. I will do that after. No, I'll do that tomorrow because today... 00:06:30.551 --> 00:06:32.635 Today is my birthday. 00:06:33.335 --> 00:06:37.674 Oh, let me get you a gift, man. Hold on. Let's see what's in my pocket here. 00:06:38.225 --> 00:06:39.230 Do you guys want a tower? 00:06:39.851 --> 00:06:40.255 What's that? 00:06:40.695 --> 00:06:43.935 You guys want a tower? Like a sushi tower? No, like a tower beer. 00:06:44.475 --> 00:06:45.935 But also, let me take your gift first. 00:06:46.235 --> 00:06:47.365 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 00:06:47.365 --> 00:06:48.529 We'll do a beer tower. 00:06:48.738 --> 00:06:50.595 Oh, I

don't want to interrupt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:06:50.915 --> 00:06:54.335 No, you might as well. Might as well. Sometimes three is better than two, you know? 00:06:54.675 --> 00:06:58.131 Oh, okay. Well, there's just two people. I'll just grab a chair here. 00:06:58.253 --> 00:07:03.995 Yeah. Let me see what's in my pocket. it i got a tissue and okay oh oh yeah, 00:07:04.775 --> 00:07:11.375 here we go all right i have a i have an oscar here somewhere i think there's a full oscar. 00:07:12.015 --> 00:07:12.505 Is a full 00:07:12.505 --> 00:07:20.420 Oscar you know what i remember this last time i took the oscar that's why it was your idea, 00:07:21.335 --> 00:07:24.505 and i was like i want to shove this just a little bit up my ass just to see 00:07:24.505 --> 00:07:28.575 how it feels and and then i pulled it out and i was like oh dude that's too 00:07:28.575 --> 00:07:31.345 much that's not good and uh but i kept to. 00:07:31.345 --> 00:07:34.035 Be honest also it was more than just the tip he does 00:07:34.715 --> 00:07:35.611 I don't remember. 00:07:35.727 --> 00:07:36.835 We got the whole head 00:07:36.835 --> 00:07:40.875 It was all the way to the film reel wow and no one talks about this but that 00:07:40.875 --> 00:07:43.515 oscar guy's standing on top of a film reel and people don't notice that because 00:07:43.515 --> 00:07:45.015 you don't look at it from top down often 00:07:45.015 --> 00:07:50.675 But it is i never noticed that i'm looking at it now i'm looking at it now okay 00:07:50.675 --> 00:07:52.295 well here you go man happy birthday. 00:07:52.295 --> 00:07:59.151 Hey well thanks i'm just gonna to hold it from the bottom um i'm gonna put this down um and oh crash 00:08:00.339 --> 00:08:04.319 Oh yeah that's cool yeah that's cool. 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:06.959 Yeah must be a different house then huh 00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:12.599 Yeah i think we're yeah we were bopping we were bippity bopping uh last night. 00:08:12.599 --> 00:08:16.079 If you're gonna if you're gonna put a best picture winner up your butt crash 00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:18.969 is probably the one you know looking back so looking 00:08:18.969 --> 00:08:24.289 Back on it yeah well why don't we have some more drinks huh yeah you guys want 00:08:24.289 --> 00:08:25.389 some more drinks hair of the 00:08:25.389 --> 00:08:29.959 Dog i mean it's super early but yeah i mean i am still. 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:32.701 And we're gonna do whatever you want so let's do it okay 00:08:33.212 --> 00:08:37.279 Do you have like a birthday resolution because every year of my birthday i go 00:08:37.719 --> 00:08:40.712 i'm gonna stop drugs and it doesn't happen so. 00:08:41.339 --> 00:08:51.231 Um mine is probably setting boundaries with friends that's kind of tough that's awesome 00:08:51.422 --> 00:08:52.459 You should do it man. 00:08:52.839 --> 00:08:56.026 You should do it should i i should i should i should 00:08:56.426 --> 00:09:01.349 Just say that's so awesome mine is i think

mine is um not deflecting the blame 00:09:01.349 --> 00:09:03.665 of my own choices onto other people around me 00:09:04.147 --> 00:09:09.449 Nice nice you know what i think for your birthday we should make resolutions 00:09:09.449 --> 00:09:14.999 you know what i mean so i'm gonna stop drugs probably not gonna happen you're gonna not yeah. 00:09:14.999 --> 00:09:19.616 I'm gonna take responsibility and not say it was someone else's fault yeah you know um 00:09:21.190 --> 00:09:24.813 I just feel like you guys use all your party energy last night. 00:09:24.813 --> 00:09:27.873 No, I'm doing my thing right now. I'm doing, I'm doing my thing right now. 00:09:28.493 --> 00:09:33.508 I think you guys use all your party energy last night and not today. 00:09:34.493 --> 00:09:37.798 And now you are almost. Yeah, go ahead. 00:09:37.937 --> 00:09:41.193 It's not. I want to be honest with you because I didn't use any of my part of 00:09:41.193 --> 00:09:44.533 energy. But once Sorkin, like he pulled me aside, he was like coked out of his 00:09:44.533 --> 00:09:47.312 mind and he was like, I'm gay and I don't know what to do about it. 00:09:47.643 --> 00:09:51.563 and then it was like i was up until six in the morning like trying to coach 00:09:51.563 --> 00:09:53.953 sorkin to come out of the closet and like that's where my energy like it was 00:09:53.953 --> 00:09:57.223 like like what am i gonna do be like no shut the fuck up go write social network 00:09:57.223 --> 00:10:00.252 three it's like no you have to like i'm like i have to support him 00:10:00.635 --> 00:10:03.813 in that moment but it's like he's talking and talking and it's like when you're 00:10:03.853 --> 00:10:05.613 talking to someone about being in the closet it's just like 00:10:05.933 --> 00:10:09.763 all you can be is like come out and he's like he's like west wing west wing 00:10:09.763 --> 00:10:13.333 west wing legacy and i'm like you can come out they'll love gay guys love west 00:10:13.333 --> 00:10:16.893 wing and it's like it's like i'm tapped from that but like if we get a beer 00:10:16.893 --> 00:10:19.848 tower going like i won't puke like i'm here for you like 00:10:20.144 --> 00:10:23.703 i'll be here right now you know what i mean like i'll it's just 00:10:23.993 --> 00:10:27.793 It's so messed up because i'm like you know i i wanted to vet and dump about 00:10:27.913 --> 00:10:30.693 my day you know i i have things going on but go 00:10:30.693 --> 00:10:31.773 Ahead no i don't 00:10:31.773 --> 00:10:32.753 Want to anymore 00:10:33.173 --> 00:10:39.583 I can't beat that i can't beat that i can't beat that it's not a competition it is 00:10:39.583 --> 00:10:43.544 I don't want to even talk about my own problem because i want to hear about sorkin in the closet 00:10:43.956 --> 00:10:47.613 I think you know what i let's let's Let's call a spade a spade right now with 00:10:47.613 --> 00:10:50.504 what's going on because everyone's in a bad mood. We got to cheer it up. 00:10:50.609 --> 00:10:51.673 Jared's here. Okay, we got to cheer it up. 00:10:51.673 --> 00:10:52.768 Let's all do a bump. 00:10:53.371 --> 00:10:55.176 And then we'll be in a better mood. 00:10:56.016 --> 00:10:57.208 Okay. I'll do a little. Okay. 00:10:57.376 --> 00:11:00.786 I know you haven't done Coke in a long time, but it's your birthday, man. 00:11:00.786 --> 00:11:03.416 And I wouldn't say we should, except Jared's here. 00:11:03.416 --> 00:11:06.076 So I'm here. I got a bunch, man. And listen. 00:11:06.076 --> 00:11:06.448 Okay. 00:11:06.977 --> 00:11:11.476 Don't step boundaries today. You know what I mean? No boundaries today, baby. 00:11:11.476 --> 00:11:12.396 Okay. We'll do it tomorrow. 00:11:12.396 --> 00:11:15.036 This is boundaries. We'll do it tomorrow. Because I was up to like, 00:11:15.036 --> 00:11:18.343 I think seven with the guy who did Crash. 00:11:20.078 --> 00:11:22.106 And none of us remember his name. 00:11:22.106 --> 00:11:27.966 I'm trying. I don't think it's Josh Wheaton, but I don't that's not him, 00:11:27.966 --> 00:11:31.176 right? I don't think that's him. He was making Duffy an angel back then. 00:11:32.756 --> 00:11:33.366 Should we do it off the 00:11:35.216 --> 00:11:38.997 Should we do it off the head? Maybe the Oscar head. 00:11:39.386 --> 00:11:41.690 We could do it off the Emmy wing. That feels flat. 00:11:42.846 --> 00:11:45.899 That's good. Because the Oscar head was up my ass and is round. 00:11:46.776 --> 00:11:48.196 That's right. That's right. 00:11:52.636 --> 00:11:56.136 Thanks, Teo. Thanks, Jake. Next up, you heard them back in episode 18. 00:11:56.136 --> 00:11:58.734 It's Greg Tucholescu and Hilary Ann Matthews. 00:11:59.053 --> 00:12:02.806 Tucholescu, he rocked it out with one of my favorite improv teams of all time, 00:12:02.806 --> 00:12:04.526 a Heraldine called Fwand. 00:12:04.526 --> 00:12:08.976 He was also a writer and executive producer of Adam Ruins Everything. 00:12:08.976 --> 00:12:12.526 He was the showrunner for Drunk History. You might have seen him acting in House 00:12:12.526 --> 00:12:16.814 of Lies, Playing House, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Kroll Show, Key and Peele, 00:12:17.064 --> 00:12:19.363 movies like Bridesmaids, and I love you, man. 00:12:19.601 --> 00:12:22.736 Hilary Ann Matthews, she's an actress and improviser based in Los Angeles. 00:12:22.736 --> 00:12:27.298 She's rocking it out with Queen George and Sentimental Lady at the UCB Theater in LA. 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:30.766 And maybe you've seen Hilary in Ghosts or Abbott Elementary. 00:12:30.766 --> 00:12:33.968 She was a recurring character on Modern Family and Future Man. 00:12:34.119 --> 00:12:36.203 She was a regular on Alex Inc. 00:12:36.435 --> 00:12:40.866 So, hey, let's get to our second mutter with Greg Tuchulescu and Hilary Ann Matthews. 00:12:40.866 --> 00:12:41.776 Hilary Ann Matthews 00:12:44.968 --> 00:12:47.488 So glad we could meet up for a little birthday coffee. 00:12:49.597 --> 00:12:53.217

I'm 355 years old today. 00:12:54.877 --> 00:12:57.658 Oh, yeah, Grandma, 00:13:00.577 --> 00:13:03.917 that's pretty... There's no way you're 355. 00:13:06.797 --> 00:13:08.402 You're like a day over 70. 00:13:09.057 --> 00:13:12.222 Well, well, well, what if I was, though? 00:13:12.593 --> 00:13:14.474 What if I was, though? 00:13:16.726 --> 00:13:22.507 Wait grandma okay don't you know how i know you like to sometimes play tricks 00:13:22.507 --> 00:13:27.897 on me but you know how obsessed i am with immortality and you know that i 00:13:28.557 --> 00:13:34.397 love the highlander and i really yes are you are you really 355 00:13:35.497 --> 00:13:36.797 years old i mean not 00:13:36.797 --> 00:13:43.327 That i can consciously recall but It's an interesting perspective. 00:13:43.327 --> 00:13:44.997 Maybe you'll get it when you're older. 00:13:47.137 --> 00:13:54.917 The more I march into the great infinity, the more I feel myself reaching back 00:13:54.917 --> 00:13:56.942 just as far into the past. 00:13:58.527 --> 00:14:04.647 Wait, wait. But I do remember, though, you have casually made comments that 00:14:04.647 --> 00:14:10.218 I thought were just your senility about doing things like marching with Pankhurst. 00:14:11.582 --> 00:14:17.287 which is really not possible I thought you were 70 that's like 30, 00:14:17.287 --> 00:14:23.017 40 years before you were born and then you made an omitted comment about J.D. 00:14:23.017 --> 00:14:25.567 Rockefeller being your boyfriend oh 00:14:25.567 --> 00:14:29.497 That old scallywag that old son of a gun 00:14:30.971 --> 00:14:33.351 Alright but listen I just 00:14:36.387 --> 00:14:39.295 please tell me yes please tell me 00:14:41.130 --> 00:14:49.541 If you were 300 years old, it would be my dream to know that it's possible for me to live that long. 00:14:50.203 --> 00:14:50.693 Wow. 00:14:50.693 --> 00:14:58.288 And I, listen, I'm going to show you a photograph, okay? And this photograph was taken in 1878. 00:14:58.955 --> 00:14:59.310 Okay. 00:15:00.012 --> 00:15:05.086 And I'm pretty sure that's you. 00:15:05.858 --> 00:15:09.254 This is on, hold on. Well, let me zoom in a little bit. 00:15:09.712 --> 00:15:16.103 Oh, you're getting a little OKCupid notification. It says at the top, it says OKCupid. 00:15:16.173 --> 00:15:19.911 It says you have one match and one decline. 00:15:20.567 --> 00:15:23.433 Oh, my God. Wait. Okay, hold on. Wait. I just got to check this match really 00:15:23.433 --> 00:15:27.493 quick. Whoa. Oh, man. Hold on one sec. 00:15:27.980 --> 00:15:29.913 Well, let me see the photo, though, when you're done. 00:15:30.253 --> 00:15:32.673 Hold on. I don't look at the photo first. I go right to the interests. 00:15:32.673 --> 00:15:35.051 Let me still look at her interests. History. 00:15:35.493 --> 00:15:39.313 I meant of me in the 1800s. You nincompoop. 00:15:39.313 --> 00:15:40.653 Sorry, sorry. Here you go. 00:15:40.891 --> 00:15:41.790 Oh, Nanny. 00:15:42.104 --> 00:15:45.743 Here's the photo. She's into history, Grandma. Oh, my God. 00:15:45.743 --> 00:15:46.983 Oh, that's nice. 00:15:46.983 --> 00:15:51.096 She's read some of the same. She reads some of the same fantasy fiction that I read. 00:15:51.369 --> 00:15:55.933 Oh. I'm going to say yes to this match. I'm going to say yes to this match, Grandma. 00:15:56.833 --> 00:16:03.510 Oh, okay. You know what? If she could say anything to you, what would it be? What would you? 00:16:04.097 --> 00:16:05.463 If she could say anything? 00:16:05.463 --> 00:16:08.062 Yes. What are you hoping to hear from her? 00:16:08.497 --> 00:16:12.833 Oh, my God. If she reads Edward Rutherford, forget it. I'm going to fall flat on the floor. 00:16:13.101 --> 00:16:17.483 He writes those history novels about a given city where he'll go through the 00:16:17.483 --> 00:16:21.042 generations in that city. You know, sort of the history and sociology of that city. 00:16:21.541 --> 00:16:23.573 That thing that I'm really into, 00:16:23.573 --> 00:16:26.371 Grandma. One second. I have to be on my phone for a second. 00:16:26.649 --> 00:16:28.653 What do you... Grandma, what are you doing? 00:16:29.749 --> 00:16:30.233 Send. 00:16:30.233 --> 00:16:30.923 Are you deleting? 00:16:30.923 --> 00:16:37.354 Oh, look. She has a message. No, she sent you a message. It says, I read J.D. Rutherford. 00:16:39.385 --> 00:16:44.842 Gotcha, you old son of a gun. It was me the whole time. Catfish. 00:16:46.746 --> 00:16:47.827 Catfish. 00:16:49.480 --> 00:16:50.607 Oh, Grandma, that was... 00:16:53.455 --> 00:16:54.814 Birthday prank. Yeah. 00:16:57.227 --> 00:17:01.141 You get to do pranks on your birthday. No one can get mad at you. 00:17:02.287 --> 00:17:06.147 Okay, but... Wow, I really got my hopes up there. 00:17:06.927 --> 00:17:14.357 Yes. But isn't it nice to know that you have the capacity to get excited romantically, 00:17:14.357 --> 00:17:21.749 that at any moment, at any moment, you could be surprised and taken away on a beautiful love story? 00:17:22.387 --> 00:17:26.257 Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I'm guessing this photo is doctored then. 00:17:26.257 --> 00:17:29.406 This photo of you, and is that Red Cloud? 00:17:30.038 --> 00:17:31.967 Yeah, that's me and old Red Cloud. Yeah. 00:17:31.967 --> 00:17:36.117 Okay, that has to be photoshopped. I mean, why would you be standing next to 00:17:36.117 --> 00:17:42.647 Red Cloud in 1878? I mean, that makes no sense. I feel stupid now. 00:17:42.838 --> 00:17:48.075 No, you simply got punked, that's all. You just got a little punked. 00:17:49.131 --> 00:17:53.297 You know what's weird, though? What? Is that I went to the New York Central 00:17:53.297 --> 00:17:58.237 Library and found that photo, which means you had to have gone there before 00:17:58.237 --> 00:18:00.281 me and placed that photo. 00:18:00.600 --> 00:18:02.719 I got your itinerary from your mother. 00:18:05.295 --> 00:18:11.515 Your trip itinerary. What? I'm 355 years old. Give me

a break. 00:18:12.502 --> 00:18:16.075 I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm so sorry to interrupt. I know this is going to sound 00:18:16.075 --> 00:18:21.610 crazy, but you're my grandfather, okay? I'm from the future. 00:18:22.155 --> 00:18:27.177 And yes, you have to go on a quest right now. 00:18:27.484 --> 00:18:30.253 There's something that happens on your grandmother's birthday. 00:18:30.451 --> 00:18:34.770 Oh, my gosh. You have to. There is a chalice that you must find. 00:18:35.118 --> 00:18:39.005 that you have to find this chalice. It'll give you everlasting life. 00:18:39.005 --> 00:18:40.406 I know it is similar to the plot of, 00:18:43.195 --> 00:18:46.484 Indiana Jones, but it is an act. That is it. That's the one. 00:18:46.809 --> 00:18:52.114 But it is actually true. It has nothing to do with Jesus. It has nothing to do with Jesus. 00:18:52.247 --> 00:18:55.556 It's an actual thing. And you're my grandfather, and you go on this journey, 00:18:55.736 --> 00:19:00.548 and you have everlasting life, enough so to have many, many kids just fucking with you. 00:19:03.435 --> 00:19:04.475 What's up, Doris? how you doing. 00:19:05.355 --> 00:19:10.985 What's up hello hello thank you peter that was delightful no problem you should 00:19:11.015 --> 00:19:14.395 have seen you should have seen your face sweetheart 00:19:14.835 --> 00:19:17.499 I do i do local theater i i do her dry cleaning. 00:19:17.789 --> 00:19:22.605 Uh yes he's oh he's magnificent you should see him uh they're doing sundays 00:19:22.605 --> 00:19:26.095 in the park with george you'll have to you'll have to come yes 00:19:26.955 --> 00:19:32.205 very good very good stuff thank you so much happy birthday oh thank you let 00:19:32.205 --> 00:19:34.585 me just i'm gonna pay you on venmo oh don't 00:19:34.585 --> 00:19:36.285 Don't worry this one's on me please. 00:19:36.285 --> 00:19:37.415 Please no really 00:19:37.935 --> 00:19:40.895 Oh thank you so much that's so much money i think. 00:19:41.695 --> 00:19:44.004 That's my phone grandma that's my phone 00:19:44.295 --> 00:19:45.565 Oh i'm sorry 00:19:45.565 --> 00:19:46.925 My phone five thousand. 00:19:46.925 --> 00:19:48.355 Dollars grandma 00:19:49.215 --> 00:19:54.301 Grandma thank you oh my that's gonna overdraw my account that's gonna 00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:59.264 This is almost as bad as when I found out my mom isn't my mom. 00:20:02.744 --> 00:20:06.444 Thanks, Greg. Thanks, Hillary. Last up, you heard them in episode 23. 00:20:06.444 --> 00:20:08.807 It's Sarah Classpel and Beth Appel. 00:20:09.086 --> 00:20:13.892 Sarah, longtime performer and teacher out of the UCB Theater, both in New York and L.A. 00:20:14.101 --> 00:20:18.356 We were on a Herald team together back in New York, a very short-lived team called Dybbuk. 00:20:18.652 --> 00:20:21.260 But she's a co-founder of the world's greatest improv school, 00:20:21.415 --> 00:20:23.964 Ouija, where she performs and teaches. 00:20:24.324 --> 00:20:27.470 You might have caught her on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, 00:20:27.766 --> 00:20:32.144 and Adam Ruins Everything. Beth Appel, longtime improviser out of UCB as well. 00:20:32.144 --> 00:20:35.243 We all got on Herald Night at the exact same time back in New York. 00:20:35.469 --> 00:20:37.965 Beth and Sarah were on a team called Monstro. 00:20:38.704 --> 00:20:43.144 Beth became the AD out in LA for a few years. And she's a writer and actress, 00:20:43.144 --> 00:20:47.034 writing for shows like Never Have I Ever, The Secret Lives of College Girls, 00:20:47.034 --> 00:20:50.078 and the recently released Not Suitable for Work. 00:20:50.264 --> 00:20:54.064 So let's get to our final mutter with Sarah and Beth. 00:20:58.228 --> 00:21:05.107 So glad we could meet for a little birthday coffee. I'm 355 years old today. 00:21:06.757 --> 00:21:12.678 And it is my pleasure to buy you a little birthday coffee. 00:21:13.520 --> 00:21:20.434 Well, when you're my age, listen, you can't necessarily drink coffee or anything. Oh. 00:21:20.735 --> 00:21:24.242 But I'm happy to sit here and watch you slurp that down. 00:21:25.310 --> 00:21:28.798 Oh. I got my bag attached, so I'm good. Oh. 00:21:29.564 --> 00:21:35.509 And the bag is for you to drink? Or is it for in or for out? 00:21:36.032 --> 00:21:37.779 It's kind of like a cloaca. 00:21:38.679 --> 00:21:42.532 Okay. You know about cloacas? A bird's vagina? 00:21:43.199 --> 00:21:50.374 Or is it also other things? It's the one hole, one hole to- Where it all happens. 00:21:50.641 --> 00:21:54.734 What's that expression? One king to rule them all? Or what is it? 00:21:54.734 --> 00:21:55.965 One ring to rule them all. 00:21:56.162 --> 00:22:01.624 Yeah, one hole to eat, drink shit, sex. 00:22:02.362 --> 00:22:02.756 Huh. 00:22:03.250 --> 00:22:05.671 Anyway, my bag is my cloaca. 00:22:08.312 --> 00:22:13.524 you enjoy your coffee oh thanks for taking me out oh 00:22:14.184 --> 00:22:21.449 listen um it is uh we have been uh neighbors for 10 years and I always enjoy 00:22:21.768 --> 00:22:25.464 the um passing by and just our 00:22:25.464 --> 00:22:28.669 little hellos and when I when you mentioned that it was your birthday um 00:22:29.703 --> 00:22:34.759 I knew I had to take you out um a little hello I I had no idea. 00:22:35.491 --> 00:22:40.104 I mean, you look great for your age. Thank you. Thank you. You know, 00:22:40.924 --> 00:22:45.811 it's, um, you remind me of someone I knew in 1804. 00:22:47.184 --> 00:22:47.224 Oh. 00:22:47.790 --> 00:22:54.002 Little girl who died of dysentery, as most little girls did at the time. 00:22:54.454 --> 00:23:02.088 Okay. But just a beautiful girl, glassy skin like yours. Thank you. 00:23:03.144 --> 00:23:10.494 Um, so if you're 355, you've been, you were born, let's find out. 00:23:12.519 --> 00:23:19.038 What year is it now? 2026? 2026. I was born in 1671. 00:23:20.878 --> 00:23:24.773 Wow. Yeah. In the old country, of course. Sure. 00:23:25.028 --> 00:23:30.758

And which is that old country? Is that Italy or England? 00:23:31.725 --> 00:23:39.249 Well, they didn't have borders back then. So it was sort of a cloaca of countries. 00:23:41.130 --> 00:23:42.767 Okay. 00:23:45.065 --> 00:23:48.425 You know what? I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I was going to say I could have 00:23:48.425 --> 00:23:50.824 sworn they had borders, but I wasn't there. So how am I to know? 00:23:51.428 --> 00:23:56.015 You weren't there. That's so fascinating. You know, you remind me of one of 00:23:56.015 --> 00:24:01.575 the rats that brought the plague to the old country. You knew them? 00:24:02.336 --> 00:24:08.251 Oh, I knew the rats. Of course. We all knew the rats. They made my dresses. 00:24:08.797 --> 00:24:19.043 I was sort of the Cinderella of the old country but instead of I thought that was made up Cinderella? 00:24:19.925 --> 00:24:24.895 yeah I mean I thought it was just a I had no idea that rats were trained to 00:24:24.895 --> 00:24:30.655 actually make dresses yeah that's non-fiction but a young person like you how 00:24:30.655 --> 00:24:31.941 old are you? when were you born? 00:24:32.765 --> 00:24:41.360 oh I was born in 1990 so that makes me 36. Yes. That's it. 00:24:42.405 --> 00:24:44.612 How's the coffee? Tell me what it's like to... 00:24:46.406 --> 00:24:52.410 to consume something from your mouth? Oh, it's great. It's, I got a little latte. 00:24:52.730 --> 00:24:56.292 It's a little vanilla. Do you want to, I mean, you have a mouth. 00:24:57.790 --> 00:24:58.521 Thank you. 00:25:00.663 --> 00:25:04.640 And it looks great. I mean, truly, are you, what is your routine? 00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:07.671 Are you moisturizing? Are you using injectables? 00:25:08.036 --> 00:25:15.210 And what sort of preservation, it just, you look great. 00:25:15.510 --> 00:25:19.077 Thank you so much. I have a mummy casket at home. 00:25:20.099 --> 00:25:23.292 And so I wrap, I get all wrapped up in there. 00:25:23.819 --> 00:25:27.442 And I get inside. And I close it every night. 00:25:27.958 --> 00:25:31.686 And then in the morning, I come out fresh as a daisy. Incredible. 00:25:31.917 --> 00:25:33.950 That must keep your skin so moisturized. 00:25:34.510 --> 00:25:36.235 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 00:25:36.949 --> 00:25:40.217 As I was saying. Grow on a little bit of Aveeno. Sorry, go on. 00:25:40.850 --> 00:25:45.320 Oh, just a little bit of Aveeno? I've heard mixed things. Oh, 00:25:45.320 --> 00:25:47.880 okay. About an Aveeno lotion. 00:25:48.628 --> 00:25:53.850 You were saying I have a hole in our mouth. You said mouth. I heard a hole. I didn't 00:25:56.610 --> 00:25:57.702 Say that. You have a... 00:25:58.938 --> 00:26:03.241 You do have a mouth, which I imagine has taste. But if you wanted to take a 00:26:03.241 --> 00:26:09.481 sip of the latte, and then I guess if it can't go in your body, 00:26:09.481 --> 00:26:12.737 you could just spit it out onto the ground if you. 00:26:13.207 --> 00:26:18.954 I'll try it. Sure. Okay. Here. Give me a sip of that latte. I'd love to try it. There you are. 00:26:21.508 --> 00:26:26.761 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Immediately? Oh, no. 00:26:27.781 --> 00:26:31.841 Oh, no. Oh no Oh no Oh 00:26:33.941 --> 00:26:39.861 my god Brains Oh no Brains 00:26:41.921 --> 00:26:43.121 Give me your brain 00:26:43.861 --> 00:26:50.101 Jesus are you guys okay She's foaming at the mouth Does she have a cloaca What 00:26:50.101 --> 00:26:55.681 does she have She has a bag here One bag One bag One bag. Okay. 00:26:56.821 --> 00:26:59.641 I'll go. I'll go. I'll figure out. 00:26:59.641 --> 00:27:02.322 I'll figure out. I'm a medical professional. 00:27:02.513 --> 00:27:05.694 Absolutely not. I'm a barista, but I'll be back. I'll get her something. 00:27:06.849 --> 00:27:12.001 Okay. Okay. You can't have brains, but okay. I'm putting this chair in between us. Girl. Okay. 00:27:14.581 --> 00:27:18.529 Miss Mary. Miss Mary, please remember. Remember that you were a human being. 00:27:19.321 --> 00:27:24.321 You've been alive since the 1600s. Flesh. No. You were flesh. 00:27:24.321 --> 00:27:28.612 No. Okay, I have, I've got a scone. It's a blueberry scone. 00:27:29.361 --> 00:27:32.837 Here's a little piece. Oh, I'll take the scone. 00:27:35.221 --> 00:27:38.311 I'm hungrier than ever for flesh. No. 00:27:43.912 --> 00:27:47.047 Thanks, Sarah. Thanks, Beth. And thank you to all my guests. 00:27:47.047 --> 00:27:50.089 Catch Tao Yang performing at the UCB Theater in L.A. 00:27:50.321 --> 00:27:55.537 and on the new season of Smarty Pants on Dropout TV. Jake Cornell is at Jake 00:27:55.857 --> 00:28:00.155 W. Cornell. He's doing stand up all summer. Go check out his socials for more info. 00:28:00.393 --> 00:28:05.141 Hilary Ann Matthews is on Instagram and she says she rarely posts, 00:28:05.350 --> 00:28:09.716 but go follow her anyway. Hilary Ann Matthews to see what she's up to. 00:28:09.971 --> 00:28:14.837 And you can see her at the UCB in L.A. in Friday Fix. with Queen George and 00:28:14.837 --> 00:28:18.507 Sentimental Lady. Greg Tucholescu also doesn't post on Instagram often, 00:28:18.507 --> 00:28:21.105 but go follow him anyway, at Tucholescu. 00:28:21.355 --> 00:28:25.035 Sarah Classible performs at Weejus every Sunday at 7.30. 00:28:25.797 --> 00:28:29.598 Becca Pell writes for the new Hulu series, Not Suitable for Work. 00:28:29.917 --> 00:28:33.957 Go check that out. And she has a podcast called The Road Through Survivor 50. 00:28:34.207 --> 00:28:38.344 Go listen to that. Thank you to Seth and Newt for the music and the art. 00:28:38.587 --> 00:28:41.554 If you want to submit your own first two lines to be used in season two, 00:28:41.821 --> 00:28:47.039 DM me at Mutterfly the pod on Instagram or email Mutterfly the pod at gmail.com. 00:28:47.266 --> 00:28:50.122 Please rate and review the show to feed the algorithm. 00:28:50.877 --> 00:28:55.445 I'm currently at the beach right now. So that's fun. But I'll be back next Thursday 00:28:55.671 --> 00:28:59.300 for an all new episode of Mutterfly. All right. I'm Don Finnelli. Bye.