บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ I Ate a Hammer

drunk. Brian McElhaney: [5:32] OK, well, Nick, I think you I think you swallowed a hammer blackout. Nick Kocher: [5:36] No. When you're trying. Brian McElhaney: [5:37] That's how do you know? How do you know? OK, well, what would be other option? Name one other. Nick Kocher: [5:43] I could have sat on a hammer and. Brian McElhaney: [5:45] It goes up your Nick Kocher: [5:46] Butt hard and with enough pressure that it got its way up to the stomach. all. Brian McElhaney: [5:52] Right look i don't want Nick Kocher: [5:53] That's one option another another option is yep it's a completely unrelated to the construction site and it was somewhere i don't. Brian McElhaney: [6:02] Think that's an option i don't think that's what Nick Kocher: [6:04] Let's go through the rest of my week because i don't i want to let's leave no stern unturned okay. Brian McElhaney: [6:09] Cool so you go to this construction party what else may have happened around the time you started feeling this Nick Kocher: [6:14] Um i went to a movie theater uh i saw uh the new um I'm Christopher Nolan. Brian McElhaney: [6:22] How is it, by the way? The Odyssey? Nick Kocher: [6:24] You know. Brian McElhaney: [6:25] You saw an early screening of The Odyssey? It's rough. Nick Kocher: [6:27] It's a very rough state. It's not coming out until next year. How did you get that? Brian McElhaney: [6:31] Yeah, I don't understand. How are you going to go see a really rough assembly cut? Nick Kocher: [6:35] I was walking past this movie theater. They said if you chug a hammer, you can come in and see a rough cut of The Odyssey. Brian McElhaney: [6:40] Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop right there. Nick, did you see that? If you chug a hammer, you can come see a rough cut of The Odyssey. Yeah, but I didn't do that. No. What do you mean you didn't do it? How'd you get in then? Nick Kocher: [6:52] I don't recall. I was fairly drunk. Brian McElhaney: [6:54] Were you blackout drunk? Yes. Well, Nick, it seems like there are many. Okay. I was honestly, I've been so concerned about this pain you've been feeling. Now I'm concerned about your drinking as well, man. You've got a lot to work on here. I don't even know if I can be your friend through this right now. I need to maybe take some space. I feel like this is. Nick Kocher: [7:15] Look, I get that you've been through a lot and I don't want to ask much more of you. I do think we need to raise another $40,000 if we can to deal with the hammer that's inside. Brian McElhaney: [7:28] Okay. Well, yeah. What did they say? How are you going to pass this hammer? I mean, what do they need to do? Do they need to cut you open and take out surgery? Nick Kocher: [7:35] They have to. That's it. I can't pass it. They have to do a surgery and I'm going to need money to cover that. Brian McElhaney: [7:42] You need $40,000. Nick Kocher: [7:43] An additional $40,000 from the first round of funding that we did to sort of see, you know, what was going on. because I have to be honest, I used a lot of that to buy hammers. Brian McElhaney: [7:53] So, okay, you've got a problem, dude. I got an idea, though, Nick. I got an idea. Why don't we call your insurance company? I know this guy, Don, that works there. And we'll see if they can maybe cover some of the costs for this. Nick Kocher: [8:05] Yeah, great. Okay. All right. I didn't even think about going through insurance. Brian McElhaney: [8:09] Why did you not? It's the first thing people think about. Nick Kocher: [8:12] Well, you know. The doctor said, like, good luck getting insurance to cover this. You clearly ate a hammer. They're not going to cover somebody who ate a hammer. Brian McElhaney: [8:20] And then he said, we're going to use these x-rays for a Christmas party? You've got to get a new doctor, dude. Nick Kocher: [8:24] Well, the Christmas party is implied. I don't, you know, they just were. Brian McElhaney: [8:28] Oh, you just assumed that. Nick Kocher: [8:28] A guy came in, and he had a backwards hat on, and he's like, did you make copies of that fucking idiot's stomach? Which I thought was rude. Brian McElhaney: [8:36] Where'd you find this doctor? Nick Kocher: [8:36] He had kind of a Christmas party vibe. So that's why I'm assuming it's going to, they're going to show him at the Christmas party. Brian McElhaney: [8:43] Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I got to get you a new doctor. Don Fanelli: [8:49] Thank you, gentlemen. Up next, we got Joey Greer and Caroline Cotter. Check them out in episode three. If you haven't already, Joey is, uh, he's one of my boys. I mean, uh, we have a nice cigar and talk about life every now and then. Uh, he's a regular performer and improv teacher at the Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. Uh, maybe you heard him on a comedy bang bang, seen him on Abbott elementary, but go onto the YouTubes right now and check out his comedy special teeny tiny. You won't be sorry. Okay. And Caroline Cotter, we've been working together a little bit recently. We're doing some improv training for a nonprofit. We have a lot of fun with that, but I think more importantly, she started posting some sick ice skating vids of herself. She's the real deal. I had no fucking clue because I'm a simple minded boy. I guess I didn't know you could be a sick ice skater and an improviser because I'm a dummy, but she's a long time UCB performer out of New York. Now she's rocking out here in LA. She's performing all over the city, UCB, West Side Comedy Theater. And remember, remember from last episode, she's on Instagram at Cooter Poop, and she's going for 1 million followers by the end of 2026. And she is almost there. She's got a little over 2000 right now. So come on, let's make that happen. Here we go. So Caroline Cotter, Joey Greer, let's get to our second mutter. Chris Gethard: [10:14] So what? Did the x-ray show? Caroline Cotter: [10:19] I ate a hammer. Don Fanelli: [10:22] So what? Caroline Cotter: [10:24] That's why I'm blocked up. I ate a hammer. Chris Gethard:

[10:27] Did the x-ray show or not? Did the show? Caroline Cotter: [10:30] Yes. Chris Gethard: [10:31] Damn. So they saw the hammer? Caroline Cotter: [10:34] Yes. Chris Gethard: [10:34] God damn it. Caroline Cotter: [10:36] That's good news. We know why I'm having stomach problems. Chris Gethard: [10:41] Yeah, that's good news, but it's like, you know. Caroline Cotter: [10:43] Doctor come on i came to you because you're the best radiologist in the field but you're making me feel really um really not supported as a patient Chris Gethard: [10:53] Okay you look great no i'm gonna say please don't you do look good you do look good stop Caroline Cotter: [11:03] It stop you're the fifth you are the fifth doctor i've had to see because every doctor keeps hitting on me oh my god stop doing Chris Gethard: [11:11] Not hitting on to you i'm not eating you just Caroline Cotter: [11:13] Tried to kiss me you just tried to Chris Gethard: [11:15] Kiss me it's i was trying to give you cpr dumbass jesus listen up so look i i okay i i look you got a hammer in you got in your stomach okay yes clogged okay it's okay because the good news is you know the little part that's that's open little prong part yeah okay but judging by these x-rays that part's open up to where you dump, so at least you can worm some out. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm trying to be as professional as possible here, okay? Yeah, then I'm- Part of the hammer is, do you get what I'm saying? It's not straight up. Caroline Cotter: [11:53] Sorry, can you put your shirt back on, please? Chris Gethard: [11:57] Is the sun hitting it? Caroline Cotter: [11:59] What? Is the sun hitting what? Chris Gethard: [12:02] It's not hitting it, the little glass I got on my nipples. Is it hitting your eye? Caroline Cotter: [12:07] Yeah, the sun is reflecting off of the prism you have on your nipples, okay? It's making a beautiful rainbow, but it's, quite frankly, hurting my eyes. And I already have a stomach issue. Chris Gethard: [12:18] And I ain't an optopatologist, so I don't do eyes. So if someone has eyes, you got to go to someone else. Caroline Cotter: [12:26] Well, you know what? I'm so excited. I'm going to let you. Chris Gethard: [12:29] No, but for real, though. For real. For real. Let's get serious here. Caroline Cotter: [12:32] I'm so excited. my new health insurance kicks in next month. I'm so excited to never have to see you again. Chris Gethard: [12:39] Who are you talking to? Caroline Cotter: [12:42] I'm talking to you. I have one lazy eye. Stop saying that I'm not looking at you. It's hard for me. That's why I also have to go to the fucking eye doctor to fix that. Right now, you can tell I'm looking at you, right? Yes. Okay, how about now? Chris Gethard: [13:02] Oh, yeah. Caroline Cotter: [13:03] Okay okay great okay can you please remove this i don't want to be worming my shit out through the hole of the hammer i feel it feels bad i did it as a prank i was pranking my friend trying to hide their hammer and i ended up swallowing it whole the good news is i got it down clean because i used to swallow other stuff for fun and so it's easy for me to swallow this kind of stuff but i now Chris Gethard: [13:28] Swallow stuff for i mean we talk about i eat candy that's for fun you know i'm not here to judge i'm not okay can Caroline Cotter: [13:36] You take it out please Chris Gethard: [13:39] Of course i can Caroline Cotter: [13:40] Stop trying to kiss me i think you're Chris Gethard: [13:43] Passing out do you need cpr do you know okay i Caroline Cotter: [13:46] I blinked i blinked blinking is not passing out okay watch me what i'm gonna watch i'm gonna tell you what's happening what i'm about to do is blink so when i blink do not kiss me okay ew come Chris Gethard: [14:04] On i'm just dancing i'm just dancing look we're gonna get that hammer out but you're not gonna like how we're gonna have to do it how well you're switching to health insurance that kind of pissed me off i didn't know that okay before that i was gonna be saying we're gonna do a clean easy no problem we're gonna be able to dissolve the hammer with a solution it's just been totally a little powder you need to shit that out that's not what's gonna happen because that's if you were with the health insurance that i use okay wait Caroline Cotter: [14:29] What kind of what kind of solution is that that'll just dissolve the hammer but not like my stomach what kind of Chris Gethard: [14:35] Shut up so like the what we're gonna have to do now okay wait Caroline Cotter: [14:39] Hold on i like that can you do that again Chris Gethard: [14:41] I'm gonna shut up okay so what we're gonna do actually okay now because i'm a medical professional you decided to switch health insurances what you should first the rule number one don't tell the doctor that you dumb ass okay now you doesn't Caroline Cotter: [14:56] Wait can you say that again say that again Chris Gethard: [14:58] Don't switch your don't tell me you're gonna switch health insurances no Caroline Cotter: [15:02] The dumb ass part Chris Gethard: [15:03] Don't you don't call me dumb ass dumb ass so so what we're gonna do yeah i ripped yeah i ripped don't Caroline Cotter: [15:12] Do that in front of me i'm jealous okay you're saying i I can worm my shit out of my butt, but I'm not. I'm blocked up. I'm nutted up. It's not November. I cannot poop. Chris Gethard: [15:23] Thank you for adhering. Look, what we're going to have to do, though, is I'm going to have to cut your back open to get it out from there. Nick Kocher: [15:29] What? Chris Gethard: [15:30] Okay? That's just how I'm going to have to do it. You're going to switch insurances. I'm going to have to do it. Nick Kocher: [15:34] No. What do you want? Chris Gethard: [15:35] No? No. So you want to pay a premium for the solution? Caroline Cotter: [15:39] Yeah. You're asking me if I would rather... Yes, you're asking me if I would rather pay out of pocket for a solution that's going to

dissolve the hammer rather than have my back cut open, cutting through like 50 organs you don't need to to get to my stomach. Yeah, I'd rather have the solution. Chris Gethard: [15:55] Sure. Caroline Cotter: [15:57] Yes. Chris Gethard: [15:58] It's a $70 copay. Caroline Cotter: [16:02] 70? Yeah. Fuck. Never mind. Cut my back open. All right. Chris Gethard: [16:06] Play it on. Don Fanelli: [16:11] Another round of Perfect Improv. Thank you, Cotter. Thank you, Greer. All right. Here we go. My final guests, my improv daddies, Chris Gethard and Will Hines. Check them out on the first episode if you haven't already. Both legends of the New York improv comedy scene for many years out of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Will has since founded the world's greatest improv school, Weegis, out here in Los Angeles, where he continues to perform and teach. He wrote a book on improvisation, How to Be the Greatest Improviser on Earth. You've seen him in shows like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Sex Lives of College Girls, Grand Crew. Christopher Gethard, he hosts the wonderful podcast, Beautiful Anonymous, had his one-man show on HBO called Career Suicide. I was the host of the Chris Gethard show, which started on stage at the old UCB theater in Chelsea and then went to public access television and then to cable. But he's been a guest writer for SNL. You've seen him on The Office, Parks and Rec, Broad City, Space Force. They're they were my mentors. You know, they're my, like I said, my improv daddies and they're my friends. Don Fanelli: [17:20] I'm excited to end on them. It's Chris Gethard and Will Hines for our final mutter. Will Hines: [17:30] So, what did the x-rays show? Joey Greer: [17:34] I ate a hammer. Will Hines: [17:44] On the one hand, I'm really concerned, and I hope you're okay. I hope they either were able to remove it or they will be able to remove it, but for as much as the eating the hammer is concerning, the lying is even more concerning. Joey Greer: [18:05] Well, I don't think I did lie. Will Hines: [18:10] You told me we were past this. Joey Greer: [18:12] I, well, I, Will Hines: [18:13] We were in marriage counseling for three months and you said, yes, this. Joey Greer: [18:19] Well, I said I'm past being addicted to hammers and I am, I did not eat this hammer in an unhealthy state or for talk. I had an emotionally healthy relationship with this decision to eat a hammer as opposed to my previous hammer eatings and tool eatings, which were done out of anger and trying to fill a void. This was just for pleasure. Will Hines: [18:42] I just know we've been fighting a little bit again lately. And historically, when there is strain on our relationship, you tend to respond by eating tools. Joey Greer: [18:53] Can I ask you to put this in an I feel statement and I will try to respond? Will Hines: [18:58] Yep. That's what Dr. Becker taught us. Joey Greer: [19:01] Yes. So let's do that. Will Hines: [19:03] I feel blindsided because The strain on our, in

my opinion, it's clear that the strain on our relationship is part of what's leading to this. So I feel blindsided by that. I thought we were past that. Joey Greer: [19:28] Okay. I can see that. I can understand feeling that way. And also, I ate a hammer because it tastes good. Will Hines: [19:40] But what about I feel? Can you rephrase that as a question? Joey Greer: [19:42] No, no. Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. I feel happy when I eat hammers. Hmm. It doesn't feel like I'm actually answering your thing. Let me, let me, Will Hines: [19:56] I appreciate the attempt. Joey Greer: [19:58] I got it. I got it. So you feel blindsided. Will Hines: [20:00] I feel blindsided. Okay. I feel like this is a reflection on our relationship and I'm blindsided. Joey Greer: [20:05] Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I, I was feeling impulsive. of. And a little resentful that I'm not allowed to eat as many hammers as I want. And I ate a hammer partly as a show of defiance. And you know what? I didn't really realize that until I'm thinking it through now. I was eating that hammer partly in anger. I didn't know that because I got to tell you, I was having a blast and it was great. Will Hines: [20:37] I do just also need to say, you know, I asked you, what did the x-ray show? because you just got home from the hospital where last night you were in tremendous amount of pain. There was blood coming from places where it shouldn't come. Joey Greer: [20:51] I couldn't figure out why that was. Will Hines: [20:54] This is the part that it's just so tough for me to buy because you knew that whole time there were EMTs. There were paramedics. You went in an ambulance. Joey Greer: [21:02] Right. Well, I thought it was something else. Will Hines: [21:04] The whole time, anything unusual happen, anything we need to know about. No, I can't imagine what this is. It's clear you understood you ate it. Joey Greer: [21:12] Well, I didn't think it was unusual. I've had so many hammers. I was like, well, it can't be that. My body's used to it. It's got to be something else. I still think it's Lyme disease. Will Hines: [21:20] It's not Lyme disease. Don't be one of these Lyme disease people who every time you do something. Joey Greer: [21:24] Some people have Lyme disease. Will Hines: [21:26] Some people do have Lyme disease. Other people have had Lyme disease, and the Lyme disease had no permanent effects. And then anytime they do something out of character. Joey Greer: [21:33] I hate those people. I hate those people. Will Hines: [21:35] It turns around, oh, it's Lyme disease. It's Lyme disease in the early 90s. And I don't think we can still keep blaming every. Joey Greer: [21:42] Yes, I can't stand that. Well, I thought that's what it was. I honestly was racking my brain. My stomach was killing me. And I was like, I can't. I honestly, I kind of assumed I had passed the hammer already. I didn't even think that could be it because it had been hours since I'd eaten it. Will Hines:

[21:56] You thought you passed the hammer? You. Joey Greer: [21:59] Yeah. Will Hines: [22:01] It's just so hard for me to buy that you thought you had a bowel movement that contained an entire hammer without actually passing the hammer. Joey Greer: [22:12] Well, that's my fault because I didn't check my stool. I said, that's got to be it. Will Hines: [22:17] I'm going to just jump. I'm a little nervous because this always went better when Dr. Becker was in the room to play referee. Joey Greer: [22:27] He was great. Will Hines: [22:28] But I'm just going to jump right into something here, which is if you're getting bored in the bedroom, I think one thing we discovered is that it's better for you to tell me that. And I know that I grew up very Protestant and very puritanical. You are. Joey Greer: [22:46] You are. But that's not what it is. I think you're doing great in the bedroom, and I appreciate that. Will Hines: [22:53] In the past, historically, I feel that oftentimes you would eat hammers when my sexual behavior was not satisfying enough to you and there were some psychosexual aspects to hammer eating and also other type of tools, but mostly hammers, to be fair. Joey Greer: [23:13] Mostly, yeah. Will Hines: [23:14] A lot of this, you know, a lot of this, I noticed that a lot of times you eat hammers when I express that I'm not a huge fan of doggy style. I noticed that when I say I like eye contact and you say, but doggy style, Joey Greer: [23:30] Makes me feel safe. Will Hines: [23:32] A different need, a different safety, some sort of caveman aspect to it. And I try to be understanding about that. But it seems like very often when I bring that up, you respond by just eating an entire hammer. And it feels like a little bit of a punishment to me. Joey Greer: [23:47] Okay, I hear that. I hear that and I could see why you would feel that way. I feel that I like sex to be an alien journey Thank you. In which I am not myself. And I can express territory. And that's not weird. Will Hines: [24:10] You're raising your voice. Dr. Becker. Dr. Becker did ask me to flag. Joey Greer: [24:15] That's good. Raise your voice. That's good. I've. That was a revelation to me because I have no idea that I ever raised my voice. So. I miss Dr. Becker. Me too. Will Hines: [24:26] Dr. Becker was the man. Joey Greer: [24:28] He. He helped us. I mean. He was the guy for us. Will Hines: [24:35] I've tried to be adventurous. I never told you this, but... Joey Greer: [24:40] I know I see that. Backstory and roleplay, I just get confused in the continuity. I just can't remember. You give me notes when I'm not honoring the backstory, and it's just a lot for me to remember. I mean, I was a Sicilian who's in a new country and who's resentful of the culture shock. And I just don't know how to work that in. I just want to grab you and do your doggy style. Will Hines: [25:08] And it's the 1920s and Italians are viewed as anarchists. Joey Greer: [25:12] I don't know the history.

Will Hines: [25:13] Bomb throwing socialists and Sicilians in particular. I don't know the history. Joey Greer: [25:16] I would never be a union man. It's so much for me to take on. I just, I try to do it. Will Hines: [25:21] I know. My fantasies. I get caught up and get self-conscious Joey Greer: [25:24] About the accent. Will Hines: [25:26] My fantasies of having sex with a 1920s Sicilian Union rabble rouser don't equate with your hammer-eating tendencies, but I've tried to meet you where you were at. I ate that nail clipper once. I ate a nail clipper. Joey Greer: [25:40] That's right. Will Hines: [25:41] I ate a nail clipper. Joey Greer: [25:42] That was very sweet. Will Hines: [25:44] I tried. I thought that would turn you on to watch me eat a nail clipper. Joey Greer: [25:49] It didn't, but you being willing to do it, it was comforting, truly. I felt love for you when I saw you do that, really. It wasn't carnal, but I felt tender, really. And, I mean, I watched the Coppola cut of Godfather 3, Jesus, I don't know how many times. That movie sucks. I can't watch it anymore. Listen, I feel grateful. I feel grateful that we have these tools to talk about this right now because I think a year ago, Will Hines: [26:29] I would be able to swallow them. Joey Greer: [26:32] That's fair. Will Hines: [26:33] No, that was petty. I did. Joey Greer: [26:36] It was petty, but you're right. Will Hines: [26:37] Can I ask you a sensitive question? And I just want you to be honest. Joey Greer: [26:41] Of course. Will Hines: [26:42] Do you remember just a few days ago, maybe a week, I had tried to put together that Ikea shelf and I did it totally wrong and I was looking for our mini sledgehammer to try to bash it back apart so I could start over from the beginning. Joey Greer: [26:59] That's a strange way to do that, but yes, I remember that. Will Hines: [27:03] You said you didn't know where that mini sledgehammer was? Did you know? Did you eat that mini sledgehammer? Just be honest Will Hines: [27:15] Do you want me to be honest? Chris Gethard: [27:16] Did you eat the mini sledge? Will Hines: [27:18] I put it up my asshole Don Fanelli: [27:26] Thanks, Jeff. Thanks, Will. Thank you to all my guests. Britannic Pizza Movie, it's coming out. Hulu in April. But check them out at South by Southwest. They're going to be performing March 15th at 8 p.m. at Esther's Follies. And you can check out Cash Grab, their podcast, on Patreon. Check out Joey Greer's special, Teeny Tiny, on YouTube. Caroline Cotter is on Instagram at Cooter Poop. We've got to get her to 1 trillion followers by the end of 2026. And take a class with Will at Weegis. and check out his podcast. Screw it. We're just going to talk about comics and screw it. We're just going to talk about the Beatles. And he's on Instagram at Willie B. Hines. And check out Chris Gethard's beautiful anonymous podcast and laughingtogether.org. It's the nonprofit that Will, Cotter, and I also work for. We're doing great things. So please support that and check that out. Thank you to Seth and Nooch for the music and the art. If you want to submit your own first two lines to be used in a future episode, DM me at Mutterfly the Pod on Instagram, email mutterflythepod at gmail.com or you can call or text 657-222-1324 All new episodes of Mutterfly are on Thursdays. I'm Don Finnelli. Bye.