สำเนาบทสนทนา 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:01.362 --> 00:00:06.112
Hey friend, everything that feels good isn't always good for you.
00:00:06.112 --> 00:00:17.408
This week, I had the opportunity to catch up with one of my personal close friends, who has a friend whose wife is being a little too friendly.
00:00:17.408 --> 00:00:19.603
Let's talk about it.
00:00:19.603 --> 00:00:24.140
What would you do?
00:00:24.140 --> 00:00:31.961
You are now tuning into Love Frequency, where love grows, so let's go.
00:00:31.961 --> 00:00:42.692
Welcome to Love Frequency, the podcast that helps you transform your pain into power.
00:00:42.692 --> 00:00:49.472
We do that through conversations like these that inspire an increased level of self-awareness.
00:00:49.472 --> 00:01:01.070
I'm your host and love advocate, nia, and I've been told that I'm that friend that you need to talk to, but you don't want to talk to because you just don't want to face your shit.
00:01:01.070 --> 00:01:07.331
Well, welcome to the family and congratulations on you finally choosing you.
00:01:07.331 --> 00:01:12.070
Hey friend, listen, it's been a whole week since we caught up.
00:01:12.070 --> 00:01:19.409
I got so much to tell you and I'm so excited, so this story I'm about to share with you.
00:01:19.409 --> 00:01:23.120
Honey, let me give you some background before we dig in Now.
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:37.730
For those of you who are new to Love Frequency and are a part of this relaunch that just took place, the whole format of the show is changing, so I thought I would present the show in a much more organic way.
00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:41.064
Real talk, what we about to talk about.
00:01:41.064 --> 00:02:17.812
This is exactly why my mind be doing the things it do, why I think the way I think because I am inspired by people, by interactions, by the way that we perceive love, and I've always been fascinated by that, not just with other people within my own self, but sometimes a story, a conversation, will inspire me to just dig a little bit deeper and the lessons that come from that I have always been able to use it in my own life to level up and to share that information.
00:02:17.812 --> 00:02:26.653
I feel like I grew the most when I had people who challenged me in a loving way and really, that's all that's it.
00:02:26.653 --> 00:02:28.445
So take this ass open, man, quit tripping.
00:02:28.445 --> 00:02:40.310
So listen, friend, I have this really amazing human being that sits at my table and we're going to talk about the table in a whole, nother episode, but focus.
00:02:40.310 --> 00:02:42.963
So this friend of mine we've been friends.
00:02:42.963 --> 00:03:10.140
I met her in 2012 and when I tell you, this person is a reflection of me, at every phase of my life, it has been so beautiful to watch this friendship grow and manifest in all of its dysfunction and glory, because every time, we may have a disagreement and not talk for a little bit or life happens and we separate for years.
00:03:10.140 -->
Load full transcript
00:03:29.872
Anytime we come back together, one is like no time has ever left I know some of y'all have a friend like that and two, we always realize that we never are where we were when we last connected, and that is such a beautiful reflection.
00:03:29.872 --> 00:03:39.526
I love knowing that my circle, my table, is full of people that reflect back to me the parts of me I love about myself.
00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:45.764
This friend of mine sends me a text message and I think this text must have come through it like 10 some.
00:03:45.764 --> 00:03:47.484
I got a question for you.
00:03:47.484 --> 00:03:50.945
Now I know this friend.
00:03:50.945 --> 00:03:58.206
One of the biggest things I adore about this person is that our communication is always direct and honest.
00:03:58.206 --> 00:04:06.245
Honey, we have a mutual respect for each other, but what that does it allows us to mutually be honest and truthful.
00:04:06.245 --> 00:04:12.592
So I know when she says she got a question, it ain't never going to be a regular question.
00:04:12.592 --> 00:04:16.348
So she reached out and her question was.
00:04:16.348 --> 00:04:20.583
So the wife of one of my longtime friends is flirting with me.
00:04:20.583 --> 00:04:27.966
Now I don't reciprocate any of these feelings and even if I did, I value my friendship too much to give it any energy.
00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:30.442
So if you were in my shoes.
00:04:30.442 --> 00:04:37.713
Would you one continue to ignore it, like I've been doing?
00:04:37.713 --> 00:04:40.865
Two, would you tell the friend?
00:04:40.865 --> 00:04:50.132
Or three, would you check the chick, so I'ma pass it to y'all before I give you this thought water.
00:04:50.132 --> 00:04:55.728
What would you do?
00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:14.172
And while you're thinking about that, if you have a story or a question that you want to share with the Love Frequency show so we can dig in deep, baby, because on this show, when you know you grow, go ahead and send your question to Love Frequency.
00:05:14.172 --> 00:05:15.384
You can do that two ways.
00:05:15.384 --> 00:05:22.732
One, you can email me and that's L-V-E-F-R-E-Q at gmailcom.
00:05:22.732 --> 00:05:25.365
That's right, love freak at gmailcom.
00:05:25.365 --> 00:05:27.004
I own it, it's mine.
00:05:27.004 --> 00:05:33.651
The second way is you can inbox us on Facebook, tiktok or IG.
00:05:33.651 --> 00:05:36.007
That means you got to follow us when you go out there too.
00:05:36.067 --> 00:05:41.163
Okay, we have fun, we cut up, so I'ma see y'all on the other side of this story.
00:05:41.163 --> 00:05:48.014
So what would you do?
00:05:48.014 --> 00:05:49.725
I ain't gonna hold my tongue.
00:05:49.725 --> 00:05:53.288
She asked for it and she know I'ma give it to her.
00:05:53.288 --> 00:05:57.576
But I've grown up a lot and I'm less reactionary.
00:05:57.576 --> 00:06:20.184
So first, if we go back to it and we look at what the question is, right, I have a friend who feels like the partner of their good friend, their wife is being inappropriate now my first thought was I could jump right into Giving her advice.
00:06:20.184 --> 00:06:29.632
We like to give advice without having all the information or asking the right damn questions, and when we do this we are responding from our pain baby.
00:06:29.632 --> 00:06:36.810
So I need a more context Then I can decide where we're growing from this conversation.
00:06:36.810 --> 00:06:37.632
You know what I'm saying.
00:06:37.632 --> 00:06:43.165
So my questions to her were Is your assumption true?
00:06:43.165 --> 00:06:53.793
If it's not true and you engage either person, it could be awful and potentially Harmful to your friendship, and I know, I know, that's not what you want.
00:06:53.793 --> 00:06:59.399
If it is correct and I know my friends, intuition is good so it probably is.
00:06:59.399 --> 00:07:02.329
I Got a few follow-up questions.
00:07:04.221 --> 00:07:09.362
One are you in situations where she can flirt To?
00:07:09.362 --> 00:07:11.970
How often are you alone with her?
00:07:11.970 --> 00:07:16.208
Three when it happens, are others around?
00:07:16.208 --> 00:07:20.791
Four what have you contributed to the interactions?
00:07:20.791 --> 00:07:28.572
Five how can you remove yourself from situations where she can flirt?
00:07:28.572 --> 00:07:34.432
Six do you like the attention but don't like the guilt?
00:07:34.432 --> 00:07:41.156
Seven what we're bringing awareness to this situation?
00:07:41.156 --> 00:07:41.920
Solve?
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:47.379
Now let's pause on these questions for a little bit, because I know some y'all are like dang.
00:07:47.379 --> 00:07:50.550
There's some really good questions because they are, they truly are.
00:07:50.550 --> 00:07:58.011
But what happened, I feel like and what her question allowed me to be reflective on is.
00:07:58.011 --> 00:08:01.932
I know my response would have been reactionary.
00:08:01.932 --> 00:08:09.043
I would have jumped right into solutions and I would have made this whole conversation about who the wife.
00:08:09.043 --> 00:08:11.324
She shouldn't be doing that.
00:08:11.324 --> 00:08:14.384
She's got a husband, but baby.
00:08:14.384 --> 00:08:17.288
It's my friend who has the feeling.
00:08:17.288 --> 00:08:18.480
So what's?
00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:21.487
My friend who has created this narrative.
00:08:21.487 --> 00:08:24.913
It's also my friend who can change this narrative.
00:08:24.913 --> 00:08:31.072
So, in true fashion, my friend was reflected for a little bit and here's what she texts back.
00:08:31.072 --> 00:08:34.539
So when I asked are you in a situation where she can flirt?
00:08:34.539 --> 00:08:36.344
She said yes, I am.
00:08:36.344 --> 00:08:38.148
I go see my friend often.
00:08:38.148 --> 00:08:39.910
He's dealing with something personal.
00:08:39.910 --> 00:08:41.053
That makes sense.
00:08:41.053 --> 00:08:44.028
How often are you alone with her?
00:08:44.028 --> 00:08:50.373
She
said never alone, but she flirts with me when maybe he goes to another room.
00:08:50.373 --> 00:08:54.697
But she also texts messages and we're connected on social media.
00:08:54.697 --> 00:08:58.284
Okay, when it happens, are others around?
00:08:58.284 --> 00:08:59.947
She said just her children.
00:08:59.947 --> 00:09:05.096
What have you contributed to the interactions, dust?
00:09:05.938 --> 00:09:16.258
I feel like when she said this, there was a hand gesture that followed and a facial expression who, but friend?
00:09:16.258 --> 00:09:18.442
We come back to this because I'm not sure about that one.
00:09:18.442 --> 00:09:21.628
I'm not sure I'm calling bullshit.
00:09:21.628 --> 00:09:26.866
I'm not saying intentionally, but unintentionally Definitely calling bullshit.
00:09:26.866 --> 00:09:30.683
How can you remove yourself from situations where she can flirt?
00:09:30.683 --> 00:09:33.672
She said no clue.
00:09:33.672 --> 00:09:37.839
That's why I'm asking you I got you, boo, I got you.
00:09:37.839 --> 00:09:41.683
Do you like the attention but don't like the guilt?
00:09:41.683 --> 00:09:46.711
And she said I'm always flattered by attention, but that doesn't mean I like her.
00:09:46.711 --> 00:09:50.219
I will say this if I haven't said it before.
00:09:50.219 --> 00:09:58.250
If nothing else, my friend, this motherfucker, gonna be honest Much respect, man, I adore her so much.
00:09:59.495 --> 00:10:06.119
And, lastly, what we're bringing awareness to this situation solve Her response.
00:10:06.119 --> 00:10:08.684
Bringing awareness would just make things weird.
00:10:08.684 --> 00:10:12.150
So what you're saying is keep ignoring it.
00:10:12.150 --> 00:10:13.855
She's so slick.
00:10:13.855 --> 00:10:16.458
She's so slick.
00:10:16.458 --> 00:10:19.924
I feel like people believe what they want to believe.
00:10:19.924 --> 00:10:20.966
That's what that was.
00:10:20.966 --> 00:10:25.682
She heard what she wanted to hear, because I know, my friend, this is exactly what she's going to do.
00:10:25.682 --> 00:10:35.668
All in all, I think her responses were very honest and I can understand the perspective that she's coming from and where she sits it's uncomfortable.
00:10:35.668 --> 00:10:42.807
She is feeling uncomfortable and she doesn't want these feelings of uncomfortable, but she doesn't know how to maneuver.
00:10:43.316 --> 00:10:44.658
Now let's go back real quick.
00:10:44.658 --> 00:10:47.765
You have a good friend of a couple decades.
00:10:47.765 --> 00:10:59.491
They're going through something where you need to be there for them in this time, so it's not like you can just stop seeing your friend, for you ignorant asses who suggested that as a dang solution.
00:10:59.491 --> 00:11:00.875
Come on, family, we ain't doing that.
00:11:00.875 --> 00:11:10.464
Let's be a little bit more open-minded, and I say that because this is more about boundaries setting than controlling somebody else's actions.
00:11:11.125 --> 00:11:17.875
If this truly makes you uncomfortable, to allow it to go on, can send the wrong message.
00:11:17.875 --> 00:11:19.298
The shit's simple.
00:11:19.298 --> 00:11:24.708
Number one honey, block her on social media and your phone.
00:11:24.708 --> 00:11:30.958
Number two she isn't your woman, so you don't have to explain anything to her.
00:11:30.958 --> 00:11:33.282
This really has nothing to do with her.
00:11:33.282 --> 00:11:50.811
This is more about you protecting you and doing what makes you feel good so that you can be there for your friend, which is number three I would explain my decision to my friend, just in case she brings it up to him and it doesn't look like it's an issue again.
00:11:50.811 --> 00:11:56.240
This sets a clear boundary, but out of respect for the friendship.
00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:59.326
Number four don't waver.
00:11:59.326 --> 00:12:01.089
You hit it direct.
00:12:01.089 --> 00:12:04.636
Five be honest.
00:12:04.636 --> 00:12:12.464
He doesn't need to understand it and I don't think you should over explain it, but if he's your friend, then he'll respect it.
00:12:12.464 --> 00:12:18.807
There's a few moments of pause and then you see those little dots moving and she hit me back with.
00:12:18.807 --> 00:12:20.974
I think this is solid advice.
00:12:20.974 --> 00:12:25.293
My favorite part is an explanation to her is not needed.
00:12:25.293 --> 00:12:33.337
So I'm feeling really good about this, because I also feel like the advice is man righteous.
00:12:33.337 --> 00:12:46.758
Most folks won't take it because everybody wants to avoid situations that they believe or perceive can create conflict or create more uncomfortable.
00:12:47.966 --> 00:12:50.754
However, I did check up with my friend.
00:12:50.754 --> 00:12:53.447
Y'all Wanted to see how things were going.
00:12:53.447 --> 00:13:03.177
You know, if the situation ironed itself out, I didn't know what rabbit hole we were about to go down.
00:13:03.177 --> 00:13:05.147
Y'all this seems so simple, right.
00:13:05.147 --> 00:13:28.755
Honestly, I think when she first sent this text message, it took me an entire day, maybe an evening, to respond, and the reason why I didn't respond quickly is I did need time to reflect.
00:13:28.755 --> 00:13:40.071
I think immediately when these scenarios come up, my first reaction is just to respond based on what I've been through, and that's not always the right move.
00:13:40.071 --> 00:13:51.053
And so I put myself in her shoes and I ran through it, and as I was sitting there, I started thinking a couple of things.
00:13:51.053 --> 00:14:14.433
I do believe when somebody's asking for advice, it is important that you ask the right questions before inserting your two cents, but because I know my value, I think instead I approach it from a perspective of what am I really feeling and, based on how I'm feeling, what can I control?
00:14:15.924 --> 00:14:25.664
It's so easy to focus on the actions of other people and not focus on what you might be contributing Using.
00:14:25.664 --> 00:14:30.514
Ignoring someone can be worse than telling them exactly how you feel.
00:14:30.514 --> 00:14:43.215
Sometimes, avoiding situations that cause you discomfort can create greater discomfort, because really, it means you don't yet know how to stand up for yourself.
00:14:43.215 --> 00:14:51.046
You don't know how to make the best decisions for you, and you're right Running away from it.
00:14:51.046 --> 00:15:02.455
Ignoring it could possibly maybe solve it, but I think this cycle, this pattern, has happened more than once.
00:15:02.455 --> 00:15:16.548
So let's set some boundaries and when we're setting those boundaries for ourselves, not against other people, but for self ensure that they're firm, don't waver.
00:15:16.548 --> 00:15:22.325
How did you get yourself here in the first place Not having firm boundaries?
00:15:22.325 --> 00:15:24.211
This could have been dead a long time ago.
00:15:24.211 --> 00:15:29.375
I was told something from someone and it really stuck with me.
00:15:29.375 --> 00:15:40.549
You teach people how they can treat you, so I would say, be very mindful, not just of the company you keep, but what you allow.
00:15:44.856 --> 00:15:49.303
As always, thank you for checking in before you check out.
00:15:49.303 --> 00:15:54.000
This is the podcast where you come empty believe, fool baby.
00:15:54.000 --> 00:15:57.195
So if you like what you've heard.
00:15:57.195 --> 00:16:04.639
Please, if you could rank us on whatever podcast platform you might be listening to right now.
00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:16.200
We are on Apple podcast, spotify, deezer, iheartradio, audible I'm pretty sure we're everywhere where you can listen to a podcast.
00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:23.097
Go ahead, search love frequency, and right next to our name you're going to see stars.
00:16:23.097 --> 00:16:24.676
You're going to see a voting icon.
00:16:24.676 --> 00:16:26.272
Go ahead and give us five.
00:16:26.272 --> 00:16:29.038
Go ahead, it's okay, it's free.
00:16:29.038 --> 00:16:30.461
We appreciate it.
00:16:30.461 --> 00:16:39.960
And don't forget, if you have a question for us, if you have a story you want to share, or if you want to respond to this episode, what would you do?
00:16:39.960 --> 00:16:41.462
What would you do differently?
00:16:41.462 --> 00:16:43.496
Do you agree or disagree?
00:16:43.496 --> 00:16:49.639
I'm open to all conversations, honey, as long as you know that it goes two ways.
00:16:49.639 --> 00:17:01.095
And don't forget, share this with one person you know who needs to stop blaming other people for the boundaries they refuse to establish.
00:17:01.095 --> 00:17:05.251
Until next time.
00:17:05.251 --> 00:17:06.777
I love you.
00:17:06.777 --> 00:17:08.670
Be good to you.