สำเนาบทสนทนา 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.799
It's a journey made with hard High Pod I'm Dad.
00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:10.480
From Nassau County to Bexer County, folks, it is James Gutman and it's High Pod I'm Dad.
00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:11.279
It is Friday.
00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:12.400
It is September.
00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:16.960
We are making our way through the year together.
00:00:17.120 --> 00:00:19.280
Um, and this is how it happens, right?
00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:21.120
This is how life moves on.
00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:22.879
This is how we get older.
00:00:23.280 --> 00:00:24.640
And that is the topic.
00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:26.160
That has been the topic for the week.
00:00:26.320 --> 00:00:29.039
That has kind of been the topic of our lives for a while.
00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:31.519
And I've talked about it here on the podcast as well.
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:41.200
When my son, uh Lucas, was young and non-verbal, the biggest thing, the thing that I wrote about all the time, the thing that was always an issue was when is he going to talk?
00:00:41.359 --> 00:00:42.320
When is he going to have language?
00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:43.520
When is he going to be able to speak?
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:47.439
And I wrote about and I talked about it, and it was always on my mind.
00:00:48.560 --> 00:01:02.719
But then one day came where I realized, like, okay, not only don't I know if this will ever happen, um, but at this point, it's not the best course of action for him to communicate, right?
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:05.200
And people will tell you, they'll insist on it all the time.
00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:06.400
Oh, you gotta make him talk.
00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:11.280
I oh my God, I was I went out with this woman once who was very insistent that every kid could talk.
00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:14.239
It was like a very judgmental approach.
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:17.519
Like every kid with autism is different, as they say.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:23.280
And I know my son, I know what he's capable of, I know how he tries to do things, and I know that he has tried to speak.
00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:26.640
And I think giving him a device doesn't make him too lazy to speak, I don't think.
00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:28.560
I think that's I get it.
00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:32.239
Maybe you know your kid better than I know your kid, and that's totally cool.
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:33.760
I'm not talking about your kid, I'm talking about mine.
00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:38.239
And I knew with mine, if I didn't give him the device, he would have had no communication, right?
00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:42.560
So I could have insisted, well, he won't talk if I don't give him the device.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:44.719
But I don't know, then he never gets what he wants.
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:45.760
It's terrible.
00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:46.799
So we did that.
00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:51.599
We focused on having him communicate, receptive language, getting his point across.
00:01:51.760 --> 00:02:06.959
And I kind of dropped the idea of everything being about verbal language, you know, because on top of it, not only is he communicating better with the device and with gestures or whatever, but at that point, once he's gone so long, I'm thinking, well, I gotta teach him all these words and you gotta get him to say the words and now.
00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:11.039
So that became less of a dire situation.
00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:14.400
And make no mistake, when he was little, it was dire.
00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:19.280
I used to say, you know, when the teacher would be like, Do you want me to teach him how to wash his dishes?
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:20.560
And I'm like, Wash his dishes?
00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:23.439
He's not the house is on fire and we're washing dishes.
00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:24.639
Like, are you kidding me?
00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:26.319
That was all I thought about.
00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:29.919
And one of the most freeing days ever was when I put that away.
00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:34.319
When I stopped, I'd say stop worrying about it, because to this day I still try to get him to talk.
00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:37.199
We still play games and I still try to understand him a little bit.
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:38.639
We come close.
00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:41.280
And I love him for that.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:49.120
Because with Lucas, sometimes he really it's hard to tell how deeply he's he's concentrating on something or doing something.
00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:54.159
And when it comes to this, when it comes to making him repeat words and do things, I see it in him.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:57.680
He's trying so hard to do it.
00:02:57.759 --> 00:02:59.280
And you know what he does do?
00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:07.120
And a long time ago, I had a video of this, and I've taken videos, I haven't posted these because I feel like I don't know, it's sweet, and I don't want to.
00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:09.439
I I I debate myself whether or not I should.
00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:10.159
I might.
00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:19.520
Um, there are songs that he listens to from Sesame Street on his iPad that he will do this like moaning rhythm to, like singing, and it's so cute.
00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:23.599
He'll put it on and be like, ah I'll be like, what are you doing?
00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.159
You're singing and I'll cover his face and keep doing it.
00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:28.319
That he's able to do, and that he does.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:30.960
But when it comes to repeating a word, he'll say hello.
00:03:31.280 --> 00:03:33.039
And I don't know, I've talked about this before.
00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:35.039
I don't know specifically what he's doing.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:38.319
And I'm I know you're gonna send me messages saying, get this checked out.
00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:41.039
I want to get things checked out, it's all in the list of things to do.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:47.039
But he will literally lean his head back and stick his tongue
Load full transcript
out and try to like I don't know.
00:03:47.120 --> 00:03:49.199
I I when he first started doing it, I would laugh.
00:03:49.280 --> 00:04:02.240
I try not to laugh, but it is adorable because it looks like um uh that famous scene in Streetcar Named Desire where Brando's like, Stella, and he's like, Yeah, it looks like that, except his tongue is wagging.
00:04:02.319 --> 00:04:05.039
I'm like, buddy, stop, put the tongue away, put the tongue away.
00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:14.159
So I know that there's an issue with that, and I know that if I waited so long, you know, it would have it would have really stifled who he is as a person.
00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:15.280
So we got past it.
00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:18.959
And in getting past that, it stopped being the topic that I worry about the most.
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:28.319
And now, at puberty, with his stubble and with his height and with his size, um my issue now is all about him getting older.
00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:31.920
It's all about who he is, right?
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:38.240
Again, when I first started this blog, I would write stories about things he would do as a seven-year-old with autism.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:40.720
Stealing food was such an issue.
00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:46.959
Um, and it was embarrassing for us, and it was the kind of thing that caused us kind of uh stress.
00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:52.319
We would go out and you worry about him, you know, taking food off a plate of somebody or stealing a coffee.
00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:55.360
And I made it a point to write about it.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:05:01.920
And I wrote about it because for me it felt good to kind of get that out and um tell the story, and I'm learning to kind of laugh at it.
00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:06.560
Now keep in mind, every time it happened, we would offer to pay for the drink, we would apologize profusely.
00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:09.360
So we took responsibility, every member of the family.
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:10.399
If that happened, I'm so sorry.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:12.639
People were always great about it.
00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:18.800
So in writing about it, it wasn't like I was dismissing it, I was just sharing the story with you based on what I already did.
00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:20.879
And it was very early on in the blog.
00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:24.879
And I remember early on in the blog, there were some wack-a-doodle responses.
00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:30.240
I guess maybe our algorithm has balanced out on social media where those people don't get it as much.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.680
Um, and I would get people who were irate.
00:05:33.839 --> 00:05:36.720
You know, one day someone's gonna punch him in the face.
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:39.600
One day he's gonna go to jail, but still on that pretzel.
00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:41.759
I hated that, man.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.879
I hated it because I knew in my heart that it was probably true as well, right?
00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:53.439
Like if there's gonna be one day where this little seven-year-old is not gonna be a little seven-year-old and he's gonna be grabbing food, and people are gonna go after him.
00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:54.319
And then what do I do?
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:55.600
I gotta fight everybody.
00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:58.240
He's wrong, but I gotta beat him with a bat, these people.
00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:02.000
So I don't want to do that, you know, because it's team Lucas, no matter what.
00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:05.120
Um, but it worried me and I thought about it.
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:08.639
So I went out of my way through the years, honestly, to work on that with him.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.839
Lucas does not steal food from anybody when he's with me.
00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:12.800
That's a thing.
00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:13.759
He knows that.
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:16.160
Uh I've explained how I did it, I think I told you guys.
00:06:16.319 --> 00:06:19.120
I don't he would love to just get the food in his mouth, right?
00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:24.399
So he'll look at you, and if you're far enough away, he'll think to himself, I can just get this into my face before he stops me.
00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:28.399
And he would do that with me, make eye contact and shove a bagel into his mouth.
00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:35.759
And I would come over, I swear to God, and I would open his mouth and I would take the food out of his mouth.
00:06:36.160 --> 00:06:41.439
Which sounds disgusting, but I assure you, it is far more disgusting than it sounds.
00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:47.920
And um, and yeah, and he learned that even if he is able to like sneak around me, he's not gonna get this thing.
00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:51.199
He's gonna end up like losing it out of his face and all that other stuff.
00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:54.319
And in doing so, I kind of stopped that.
00:06:55.199 --> 00:07:00.800
But Lucas now is the age where people said he would get arrested for stealing a pretzel.
00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:04.720
Lucas is at that age where people were like, keep him away, and someone's gonna hit him.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:06.800
And I forget.
00:07:08.160 --> 00:07:08.879
Mostly.
00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:10.480
And last week I didn't forget.
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:19.759
Last week I was sitting here, I was watching him, and he's starting to get, as he goes through puberty, um, into this state sometimes, and I've written about and talked about it before.
00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:32.079
And it's so bizarre because the way he acts when he's agitated or like overwhelmed to the point of is identical to how he acts when he is ecstatic and happy.
00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:38.000
The only difference is the facial expressions that he makes and the tone of his voice, right?
00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:44.240
Now, I don't know if I just hear it because I'm his dad and I know him, but I can tell when he's getting to that point, I have to make him stop.
00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:46.079
And this happened last
week, right?
00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:48.240
Where I I literally brought him into my room.
00:07:48.319 --> 00:07:49.360
I go, buddy, come here.
00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:50.720
And we do this thing where I make him breathe.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:52.000
And I go, Luke, breathe.
00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:56.639
And I put my hands on his chest, and I go breathe like that.
00:07:57.360 --> 00:08:04.639
And uh he doesn't breathe, like he doesn't, he doesn't imitate words, he doesn't imitate breaths, but he calms down and he stops.
00:08:04.879 --> 00:08:10.639
And we turn the volume down, as I said in the blog, like for a minute, and then he goes back and he's calmer.
00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:17.040
Um, but he was like out of not out of control, but I could tell he was getting so agitated, like this bubbling inferno.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:22.480
And I made him put the iPad down and I made him lay in bed, and I literally held him like when he was lit.
00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:28.319
That's what I love about having my boy, like he's 15 years old, but he's still my squishmallow.
00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:32.720
He doesn't kick me out, he allows me to just be his dad, you know, and take care of him like that.
00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:38.799
So I laid him down, he laid on me, I was rubbing his back, and I was reciting to him stories that we knew.
00:08:38.960 --> 00:08:43.679
He had um this frog and friend story that he loves to read, but I've memorized it long, long ago.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:44.799
So we just lay down.
00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:47.759
I go, you know, it's spring called the shimmering, glimmering sun.
00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:50.159
Attentional creatures, your winter sleep's done.
00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:55.200
And he listens and he calmed down, and I let him get up and he was more relaxed.
00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:57.840
And I was happy and I was proud of myself.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:06.399
But I also was afraid, you know, because there's gonna be somebody out there who sees this boy screaming.
00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:08.879
And when I say screaming, he screams.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:12.159
Um, and you could hear him outside too, like outside my house.
00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:14.879
Sometimes Olivia would come home, but I could hear Lucas outside.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:17.360
And I was like, well, Slavi.
00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.679
Like, what am I supposed to do about it, right?
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:20.799
Um, it sucks.
00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:22.000
No one's ever said anything to me.
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:22.960
If they do, I'll apologize.
00:09:23.039 --> 00:09:26.720
I don't think it's so loud that it rattles the neighborhood, but you definitely could hear it from outside.
00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.600
Um, I try to make him always bring the volume down if I can.
00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:36.960
But somebody else seeing this five foot, whatever he is, man, five's six, I don't know, I have no idea.
00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:38.080
200 pounds?
00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:40.960
Like, I'm guessing, but like, I don't know, probably 200 pounds.
00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:45.919
Um kids screaming and jumping and coming at you for a hug.
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.799
Like, if you don't know him, that's daunting.
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.960
That's scary, and that's worrisome to me.
00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:55.919
Because to me, I see this this baby and and him.
00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:57.279
He looks himself in the mirror.
00:09:57.440 --> 00:09:59.200
I'm sure he sees a baby.
00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:00.480
He sees this happy kid.
00:10:00.639 --> 00:10:02.799
He doesn't realize that people find that threatening.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:04.320
Lucas doesn't live in that world.
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:06.559
Lucas doesn't live in a world where things are threatening.
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:09.759
Lucas doesn't live in a world where people uh try to hurt each other.
00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:10.399
He doesn't.
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:13.679
I've joked before about his sister would run around the living room.
00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.720
She'd go, Lucas, and he would like, I go, go get her, Lucas, go.
00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:17.679
And he'd run after her.
00:10:17.759 --> 00:10:19.519
And when he got to her, he wouldn't know what to do.
00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:21.759
Like, he wouldn't attack her, he wouldn't grab hit her.
00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:22.879
I go, Lucas, get her.
00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:23.759
And she'd be standing there still.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:24.320
I go, get her.
00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:25.840
And he'd go over and put his head on her shoulder.
00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:26.960
And we'd all be like, oh.
00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:28.399
And she'd always be like, oh.
00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:30.320
And I love that about him.
00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:34.960
He's a he's the sweetest, kindest, I mean, honest a guy, like person you've ever met.
00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:37.200
Not just because he's my kid, but like because he is.
00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:40.639
Like he doesn't even understand that kind of conflict.
00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:43.840
Um, but other people see the world that way.
00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:47.919
So if he is jumping and screaming, I'm worried about how people are going to see him.
00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:50.399
And this is our issue right now.
00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.600
And this is the thing that somewhat would keep me up at night.
00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:54.799
This is the thing that worries me.
00:10:54.879 --> 00:10:55.840
This is the thing I write about.
00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:57.360
This is the thing I think about.
00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:00.080
And this is the thing that other people in my position are worried about.
00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:04.720
And this is, again, the thing that I was warned about when he was little.
00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:08.000
Oh, one day, you know, it's harder when they get older and people don't find them cute.
00:11:08.080 --> 00:11:09.679
And you're like, oh, that'll never
happen.
00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:12.080
And they'll ta-da.
00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:14.639
I think he's cute.
00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:19.919
And I know people who read the blog think he's cute, but I also know people look at him and they realize this is a little man.
00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:25.120
And this little man, you know, could be misunderstood in more ways than one.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:28.559
And it's my job as his dad to kind of bring that down a little bit.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:30.960
So it's my new goal.
00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:32.399
It's the new thing I'm working on.
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:33.600
It's been pretty good.
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:34.960
We did pretty good last week.
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:40.799
Um, and uh luckily enough, it's case to case because Lucas is definitely still like kind of a chill kid.
00:11:40.960 --> 00:11:42.399
He's loving, he's happy.
00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:52.159
But when he gets ramped up way too much, or he gets in that mood where he doesn't want to do something, him standing against like going out, like if he doesn't want to leave or something, it's more of a pain in the ass.
00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:54.879
Like on the bus, I fight with him on the bus, he takes his shoes off.
00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:58.879
There used to be a time where they just hold him down, put the shoes back on, but now he's coming off the bus barefoot.
00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:00.159
They're like, he wouldn't let us do it.
00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:01.600
I'm like, how would you not do it?
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:06.240
And then I'm like, oh, because he's built like, you know, macho man Randy Savage.
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:07.200
I can't, you know what I mean?
00:12:07.279 --> 00:12:08.879
It's like a man, it's like a dude.
00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:10.559
And uh, so I get it.
00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:12.240
I try to give people some leeway like that.
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:14.080
But yeah, I'm in that point.
00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:15.279
It's my guy.
00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:16.159
I worry about him.
00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:18.080
I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him.
00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:23.120
So our uh our next steps, it's all about calming down.
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:26.559
And as I said in the blog, I don't want to stop my son's joy.
00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:29.840
I just need to turn down the volume, um, which is important.
00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:37.600
And that was the biggest part of that article that I loved when I wrote it, the post that I wrote that I loved was that people will say, well, just teach him not to scream and jump.
00:12:37.759 --> 00:12:44.000
And I said, That's like if you have a kid in a wheelchair and there's no wheelchair ramp and someone's like, why don't you just teach him how to fly?
00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:47.279
Like, this is what Lucas does is he's done it his whole life.
00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:48.879
He gets excited, he jumps, he screams.
00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:49.759
We can't stop that.
00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:51.279
It's his, it's who he is.
00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:52.080
And I don't want to stop it.
00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:54.320
I don't want to medicate him to the point that he can't do it.
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:56.720
I don't want to, you know, yell at him or correct him.
00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:04.159
Like, I want him to have the things that he loves, but I want to teach him to do it in a way that it won't scare the world away.
00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:05.679
And I think it's doable.
00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:07.279
Anything's doable.
00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:09.120
I learned that one a long time ago.
00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:11.200
And hopefully you guys know it too.
00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:12.879
Thank you for listening.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:13.919
Thank you for checking me out.
00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:16.480
Hiblogomdad.com every single Monday.
00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:20.720
Hypodomdad.com every Friday, Spotify Audible, whatever.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:23.840
Um, hi World Om Dad, that's available on Amazon.
00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:25.840
Maybe some more surprises on the way.
00:13:25.919 --> 00:13:26.559
We will get to that.
00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:27.600
Follow me on social media.
00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:29.679
Hi, James Gutman, H I James Gutman.
00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:36.159
I'm on TikTok, I'm on Instagram, I'm on you know anything that has a little at sign in the front, and that does it for me, guys.
00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:39.279
Until next week, this is James Gutman saying, be well.
00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:40.320
Byepod.
00:13:40.720 --> 00:14:13.759
I'm daddy, but I'm not going to be able to