บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Simon Rich

00:03:48.270 how's Sona doing? 86 00:03:48.349 --> 00:03:52.300 Yeah, that's nice. I was really excited to come back. 87 00:03:53.060 --> 00:03:55.280 And then I think five minutes into being here. 88 00:03:55.300 --> 00:03:56.680 Can I tell you what happened? 89 00:03:56.900 --> 00:03:58.560 Yeah, I think I want you to say it. 90 00:03:58.759 --> 00:04:02.180 Okay. So... I see Sona in the parking lot. We're 91 00:04:02.219 --> 00:04:07.379 here at the Earwolf Studios on Sunset Boulevard. Just a 92 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:09.500 fun fact, right across the street from where Greg Daniels 93 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:11.189 and I got started in the business in 1985. 94 00:04:11.189 --> 00:04:13.870 That's cool. At Sunset Gower Studios. 95 00:04:13.889 --> 00:04:14.129 Very cool. 96 00:04:14.150 --> 00:04:16.050 Not necessarily the news. Little fun fact. 97 00:04:16.350 --> 00:04:18.509 Anyway, I run into you in the parking lot as 98 00:04:18.529 --> 00:04:22.540 we're both about to walk up and we hug. and 99 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:25.579 it's kind of emotional. You're back. You look fantastic. Doesn't 100 00:04:25.610 --> 00:04:27.370 she look fantastic? She looks great. Yeah, you look amazing. 101 00:04:27.389 --> 00:04:27.709 You really do. 102 00:04:27.790 --> 00:04:28.079 Thank you. 103 00:04:28.089 --> 00:04:30.990 You look amazing. And we're just so happy to see you. 104 00:04:31.009 --> 00:04:31.470 Thrilled. 105 00:04:31.490 --> 00:04:34.069 And then we walk into the offices and there are 106 00:04:34.089 --> 00:04:37.790 a couple of people here and Ruthie's here from Team 107 00:04:37.829 --> 00:04:40.000 Coco and she's happy to see you and hugs you. 108 00:04:40.009 --> 00:04:40.370 So nice. 109 00:04:41.069 --> 00:04:44.250 And David's hugging you and everyone's hugging you. I wanna 110 00:04:44.310 --> 00:04:48.930 say maybe at most two minutes went by when you 111 00:04:49.730 --> 00:04:54.410 found that there's these energy bars here, little snack bars. 112 00:04:54.730 --> 00:04:57.740 And so Sona unwrapped one of the snack bars and 113 00:04:57.779 --> 00:05:01.189 was eating it. And you seemed really happy and everyone 114 00:05:01.209 --> 00:05:03.790 was really happy. And you're about halfway through this bar. 115 00:05:03.930 --> 00:05:05.670 And I said, what you got there, Sona? And you went, 116 00:05:05.990 --> 00:05:06.779 what is it? What was it? 117 00:05:07.009 --> 00:05:13.160 It was a Kashi chocolate almond, sea salt, delicious, you know, bar. 118 00:05:13.220 --> 00:05:15.089 Yeah, and you were halfway through, you're really enjoying it. 119 00:05:15.100 --> 00:05:17.899 And I said, what is that? And you went, oh, 120 00:05:18.370 --> 00:05:20.079 it's this. And I said, and what flavor is it? 121 00:05:20.170 --> 00:05:23.350 And you held it out just a little bit and 122 00:05:24.129 --> 00:05:26.910 I smacked it out of your hands and it went 123 00:05:27.129 --> 00:05:30.560 flying across the room and shattered into a million pieces 124 00:05:31.220 --> 00:05:32.800 and you shouted out, you dick! 125 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:33.360 Yes. 126 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:37.709 And? I was thinking, that's what I do. 127 00:05:37.730 --> 00:05:38.550 Minutes. 128 00:05:39.129 --> 00:05:43.310 That's what I do. And you think just because you 129 00:05:43.329 --> 00:05:44.990 gave birth to two babies. 130 00:05:45.089 --> 00:05:46.589 Oh my God. 131 00:05:46.750 --> 00:05:48.740 That you get to come in here now and be 132 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:51.939 treated differently. And what I'm trying to teach you is no. 133 00:05:53.040 --> 00:05:55.779 You've got to get your reflexes back. I mean, I've 134 00:05:55.879 --> 00:05:57.079 done that on the TV. Oh, I'm so mad. I've 135 00:05:57.110 --> 00:05:58.649 done that to you hundreds of times. 136 00:05:58.689 --> 00:05:58.870 Yes. 137 00:05:58.889 --> 00:06:02.550 It's actually featured in a very popular YouTube video that's 138 00:06:02.629 --> 00:06:04.529 out there where I demonstrate how I do it in 139 00:06:04.589 --> 00:06:07.910 front of an HR person. Right, no shame. And you 140 00:06:07.990 --> 00:06:10.939 held it out to me because you completely forgot. 141 00:06:10.949 --> 00:06:11.079 I did. 142 00:06:11.069 --> 00:06:14.149 You were so busy giving life to the world. that 143 00:06:14.170 --> 00:06:18.310 you forgot to guard your Kashi bar around Conan. 144 00:06:18.410 --> 00:06:21.290 I wasn't even angry at you, I was angry at myself. 145 00:06:21.529 --> 00:06:21.829 Appropriate. 146 00:06:21.850 --> 00:06:24.439 Because I should have seen that coming a mile away. 147 00:06:24.449 --> 00:06:24.810 Right. 148 00:06:24.889 --> 00:06:27.019 And now at this point, like you did that once 149 00:06:27.060 --> 00:06:28.660 when we were on the show where I was holding 150 00:06:28.699 --> 00:06:30.339 a plate of watermelon, you're like, what do you eat there? 151 00:06:30.420 --> 00:06:32.339 I'm like, oh, it's a plate of watermelon. And you 152 00:06:32.360 --> 00:06:33.879 didn't hit it, you kicked it. 153 00:06:33.879 --> 00:06:37.360 That was hard. You like did a roundhouse kick out 154 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:39.759 of my hand. Yes, and I kicked it perfectly. So 155 00:06:40.379 --> 00:06:43.670 it went flying and you know, that takes real coordination. 156 00:06:43.850 --> 00:06:46.350 It was, I have very long legs and I did 157 00:06:46.370 --> 00:06:50.509 a spinning kick and hit the plate, which was paper, fortunately, 158 00:06:51.069 --> 00:06:53.370 but I didn't care. It could have been on a 159 00:06:53.389 --> 00:06:56.050 Ming vase and I wouldn't have cared. And the watermelon 160 00:06:56.069 --> 00:07:00.949 went flying. Crew members were there. And they weren't used 161 00:07:00.990 --> 00:07:01.350 to this. 162 00:07:02.110 --> 00:07:04.850 And it's always right when I really want a snack, 163 00:07:05.209 --> 00:07:07.500 I find the perfect snack. And it's almost as if 164 00:07:07.560 -->

00:07:11.379 something triggers in your brain where you're like, Sona's enjoying herself. 165 00:07:11.399 --> 00:07:11.720 Oh, yes. 166 00:07:11.819 --> 00:07:14.660 Let me ruin it. The way a shark can smell blood, 167 00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:18.889 I can smell joy and I have to attack. If 168 00:07:19.029 --> 00:07:23.050 I sense joy, I must strike. And you get so 169 00:07:23.129 --> 00:07:25.110 happy about your snacks. 170 00:07:25.269 --> 00:07:27.490 All I need is food and you take it away 171 00:07:27.550 --> 00:07:27.910 from me. 172 00:07:28.009 --> 00:07:29.300 Yeah, exactly. 173 00:07:29.389 --> 00:07:30.199 Oh, and you love it. 174 00:07:30.300 --> 00:07:33.300 You're so happy. Oh my God, it made me so happy. 175 00:07:33.319 --> 00:07:35.879 I'm so glad you're back and I'm so glad you're 176 00:07:35.939 --> 00:07:40.259 snacking and then gullible enough to, when I innocently inquire, 177 00:07:40.300 --> 00:07:42.079 so what flavor is it? You hold it out a 178 00:07:42.079 --> 00:07:44.899 little closer to me. Oh God. Well, it's actually, it's chocolate, 179 00:07:44.920 --> 00:07:47.259 but it's got a little fudge swirl and quatang. 180 00:07:49.029 --> 00:07:49.589 Goes flying. 181 00:07:50.069 --> 00:07:50.449 Minutes. 182 00:07:50.470 --> 00:07:51.930 At least your hair's still up. 183 00:07:52.569 --> 00:07:55.490 Yeah. She hasn't done that yet? Oh, yeah. 184 00:07:55.670 --> 00:07:57.759 When you just punch my... I have my hair in 185 00:07:57.779 --> 00:07:59.839 a bun and you just punch the bun for no reason. 186 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:02.839 I punch the bun because I think that doesn't count 187 00:08:02.899 --> 00:08:06.730 as actually hitting you because... It's, those are dead cells, 188 00:08:06.750 --> 00:08:09.350 hair cells. You never get my head, you don't. No, God, no, 189 00:08:09.370 --> 00:08:11.850 that would be abuse. I wouldn't touch the skull or 190 00:08:11.870 --> 00:08:13.949 the head, but I figured out a way, if I 191 00:08:14.029 --> 00:08:16.980 punch quickly, like a little rabbit punch the bun of 192 00:08:17.019 --> 00:08:21.160 your hair, it completely falls apart and you go, oh man. 193 00:08:21.180 --> 00:08:24.420 So good to be back. 194 00:08:24.850 --> 00:08:26.689 Anyway, as you can tell, I've missed you. 195 00:08:27.050 --> 00:08:36.259 Oh, I've missed you too. It was seconds. Just seconds. 196 00:08:36.279 --> 00:08:38.220 Well, we are happy to have you and the twins 197 00:08:38.259 --> 00:08:41.399 are doing well. You send me pictures every day and 198 00:08:41.460 --> 00:08:43.539 my wife makes fun of me because I run around 199 00:08:43.559 --> 00:08:46.639 the house and make everyone look at the pictures. I'm 200 00:08:46.679 --> 00:08:48.240 not related to you, you. 201 00:08:48.179 --> 00:08:50.759 Know, and yet I'm- We're kind of, we're surrogate relations. 202 00:08:50.799 --> 00:08:53.019 Yeah, we have a relationship, yes. But I run around 203 00:08:53.070 --> 00:08:54.889 and I go, look, look, here's the latest of Mikey 204 00:08:54.909 --> 00:08:56.769 and Charlie, look. And they love looking at them, but 205 00:08:56.809 --> 00:08:58.629 my wife said, you are far more happy about these 206 00:08:58.690 --> 00:09:01.769 children than you were about your own children. God. Which 207 00:09:01.830 --> 00:09:02.210 is true. 208 00:09:02.350 --> 00:09:02.970 That's nice. 209 00:09:03.029 --> 00:09:03.769 Thanks, Conan. 210 00:09:03.889 --> 00:09:06.850 Yeah, well, you know me, I'm a real good guy. Yeah. Now, 211 00:09:06.870 --> 00:09:07.990 what's that you're eating right there? 212 00:09:08.009 --> 00:09:08.330 One time. 213 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:12.110 Okay, well, Sona, all I caution you to do is 214 00:09:12.159 --> 00:09:15.289 don't eat hot soup near me anytime soon. Okay. 215 00:09:15.509 --> 00:09:15.850 Okay? 216 00:09:16.470 --> 00:09:19.029 Just probably not a good idea, because it's not my fault. 217 00:09:19.129 --> 00:09:20.129 I can't control myself. 218 00:09:20.210 --> 00:09:20.809 It's your fault. 219 00:09:20.889 --> 00:09:22.590 You can control yourself. 220 00:09:22.629 --> 00:09:26.769 Clearly, I can't. Well, anyway, I'm very excited. My guest 221 00:09:26.789 --> 00:09:30.080 today was the youngest writer ever hired on Saturday Night Live. 222 00:09:30.669 --> 00:09:33.399 He's a frequent contributor to The New Yorker, and he's 223 00:09:33.460 --> 00:09:36.899 created such shows as Man Seeking Woman and Miracle Workers. 224 00:09:37.470 --> 00:09:42.059 His latest book is a delight. I so love this 225 00:09:42.100 --> 00:09:45.700 man's writing. It's called New Teeth, and it's available now. 226 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:54.269 Very excited to talk with him today. Simon Rich, welcome. 227 00:09:58.509 --> 00:10:01.399 I don't find myself being envious of many people, but 228 00:10:01.460 --> 00:10:04.759 I envy you, Simon Rich, and I'll tell you why. 229 00:10:05.870 --> 00:10:10.070 Your writing makes me laugh out loud. I was reading 230 00:10:10.230 --> 00:10:13.129 your new book, New Teeth, the other day, and I 231 00:10:13.210 --> 00:10:17.259 kept shrieking. And my wife and kids would come running 232 00:10:17.299 --> 00:10:21.120 in the room because they don't hear me laugh like that. 233 00:10:21.460 --> 00:10:23.070 Then I would say, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, 234 00:10:23.100 --> 00:10:24.919 hold on. And then I would explain the premise of 235 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:28.460 the story and then read them long passages. And anyway, 236 00:10:28.500 --> 00:10:32.370 this all leads up to you writing these stories. I've 237 00:10:32.379 --> 00:10:35.330 been reading your books for years now and looking at 238 00:10:35.350 --> 00:10:40.110 your stuff in the New Yorker. And I'm always put 239 00:10:40.129 --> 00:10:46.230 it down and think, God damn it. How come he 240 00:10:46.269 --> 00:10:48.230 gets to do that? How do you do that? And 241 00:10:49.129 --> 00:10:51.769 I'm really, I'm

just, so I'm so delighted to have 242 00:10:51.809 --> 00:10:54.559 you on the podcast. Thanks for being here. 243 00:10:54.659 --> 00:10:56.980 Well, thank you so much for the kind words. It 244 00:10:57.039 --> 00:10:58.679 is so thrilling to hear you say that. I'm a 245 00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:02.100 lifelong fan of your work and all your shows and 246 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.159 your writing for some of my favorite shows of all time. 247 00:11:05.779 --> 00:11:11.000 The bigger influence on my comedy was absurdist 90s television 248 00:11:11.090 --> 00:11:14.750 comedy like Your Late Night Show and sketch shows that 249 00:11:14.769 --> 00:11:17.870 were tonally similar, that were silly and smart like Kids 250 00:11:17.909 --> 00:11:22.450 in the Hall, Mr. Show, The State, the short-lived Ben 251 00:11:22.470 --> 00:11:27.470 Stiller Show, the last 10 minutes or so of SNL 252 00:11:27.529 --> 00:11:30.350 when they were allowed to be non-topical and totally weird. 253 00:11:30.509 --> 00:11:33.269 Oh my God, that was my, I'm sure for you too, 254 00:11:33.389 --> 00:11:37.039 but I loved writing Weird things. 255 00:11:37.139 --> 00:11:38.940 And some of my favorite things that I ever wrote 256 00:11:39.379 --> 00:11:43.440 lived at 1245 on SNL. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that's 257 00:11:43.500 --> 00:11:46.019 the sweet spot. That's where you want to be. Totally. Yeah. 258 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:49.950 You don't always have the best set. You have like 259 00:11:50.129 --> 00:11:52.830 one flat that's kind of wedged in between the weekend 260 00:11:52.870 --> 00:11:55.889 update desk and like a really cool like parody set. 261 00:11:56.450 --> 00:11:58.429 And it's just like, okay, we have this small flat 262 00:11:58.450 --> 00:12:00.929 that's big enough to fit one robot. 263 00:12:02.149 --> 00:12:03.169 And you're like, one robot? 264 00:12:03.190 --> 00:12:03.970 And you're like, I'm on it. 265 00:12:03.990 --> 00:12:05.490 I'm your man. Here I am. 266 00:12:06.149 --> 00:12:10.419 Get ready. Because I'm pretty sure Bill Hader has a 267 00:12:10.460 --> 00:12:13.799 robot voice. Yes. Pretty sure he can do that. And 268 00:12:14.279 --> 00:12:16.360 can I ask who, when you were writing for that show, 269 00:12:16.379 --> 00:12:19.230 like who your favorite people to write for? Four were? 270 00:12:19.370 --> 00:12:19.750 Well. 271 00:12:20.190 --> 00:12:23.309 Was it Hartman? The best utility performer in the history 272 00:12:23.330 --> 00:12:26.409 of Saturday Night Live was Phil Hartman. Yeah. Because Phil Hartman, 273 00:12:27.029 --> 00:12:28.889 he used to describe himself as a Mr. Potato Head. 274 00:12:28.950 --> 00:12:29.470 You could just. 275 00:12:30.049 --> 00:12:30.250 You. 276 00:12:30.190 --> 00:12:33.019 Could put anything onto him and he would become that. 277 00:12:33.179 --> 00:12:33.399 Yeah. 278 00:12:33.559 --> 00:12:37.220 Phil Hartman, improbably, but if you look back at his work, 279 00:12:37.720 --> 00:12:41.320 he

could play the father. He could play the grandfather. 280 00:12:41.899 --> 00:12:43.740 He could play the guy in a leather jacket who's 281 00:12:43.779 --> 00:12:45.210 a tough, who's here to beat you up. 282 00:12:45.730 --> 00:12:50.159 Both Hartman and Hayter... my favorite mode for them is 283 00:12:50.179 --> 00:12:50.879 when they're villains. 284 00:12:51.340 --> 00:12:51.600 Yes. 285 00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:55.870 I like, to me, like Troy McClure, Lionel Hutz, I 286 00:12:56.049 --> 00:13:00.210 prefer them to be snaky and oily and sneaky. And 287 00:13:00.230 --> 00:13:02.590 that always was so thrilling to be able to write 288 00:13:02.850 --> 00:13:05.429 charming bad guys, which you can get away with with Bill. 289 00:13:05.450 --> 00:13:07.529 And you can't get away with that with most performers. 290 00:13:07.700 --> 00:13:10.700 We have so many points of commonality that it's almost absurd. 291 00:13:10.740 --> 00:13:15.690 Like I look at your transcript, transcript, I want to 292 00:13:15.730 --> 00:13:16.629 call it a transcript. 293 00:13:16.649 --> 00:13:16.809 Yeah. 294 00:13:17.029 --> 00:13:22.129 I looked up your comedy comedic transcript, and we've done 295 00:13:22.210 --> 00:13:24.240 so many of the same things. We both got started 296 00:13:24.269 --> 00:13:27.200 on The Harvard Lampoon, and that was sort of our awakening. 297 00:13:27.340 --> 00:13:31.980 And I want to, you know, The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live, 298 00:13:32.480 --> 00:13:34.720 so many points where you and I have had, I think, 299 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:37.850 similar experiences, and where I honestly believe you've ripped me 300 00:13:37.970 --> 00:13:39.429 off completely. 301 00:13:39.450 --> 00:13:39.529 Yeah. 302 00:13:40.419 --> 00:13:41.720 There was a period of time where you were wearing 303 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:46.000 a red pompadour wig. Yeah, and stilts and the whole business. 304 00:13:49.090 --> 00:13:51.889 But you gave me 15% of your income. That's right, yeah. Yeah, 305 00:13:51.970 --> 00:13:55.309 which I thought was incredibly kind of you. But you 306 00:13:55.330 --> 00:13:58.129 brought up, when you bring up villains, I remember when 307 00:13:58.149 --> 00:14:00.269 I was at the Simpsons, all I wanted to do 308 00:14:00.529 --> 00:14:01.570 was write for Mr. Burns. 309 00:14:01.590 --> 00:14:01.789 Yeah. 310 00:14:02.269 --> 00:14:07.129 Because Mr. Burns is evil, which is so fun to write. 311 00:14:07.269 --> 00:14:08.409 It is so fun to write evil. 312 00:14:08.429 --> 00:14:08.710 The best. 313 00:14:09.129 --> 00:14:12.009 He's- Comedically old, so you can have all kinds of 314 00:14:12.070 --> 00:14:14.710 fun with him being an intern for Thomas Alva Edison, 315 00:14:14.809 --> 00:14:15.090 you know. 316 00:14:15.230 --> 00:14:15.509 The greatest. 317 00:14:15.529 --> 00:14:17.990 Or whatever. He also has limitless wealth. 318 00:14:18.269 --> 00:14:18.490 Right. 319 00:14:18.750 --> 00:14:20.259 Which is fun to write.

320 00:14:20.460 --> 00:14:20.600 Yes. 321 00:14:20.620 --> 00:14:24.740 Because he can have an underground lair that's filled with 322 00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:27.500 hyperbaric chambers, whatever you want. 323 00:14:27.940 --> 00:14:28.120 Yeah. 324 00:14:28.340 --> 00:14:31.740 And I remember when I was at the Simpsons. just 325 00:14:31.960 --> 00:14:35.620 constantly wanting to bring Mr. Burns into the story when 326 00:14:35.659 --> 00:14:38.840 he didn't fit at all. And them kind of telling me, no, 327 00:14:39.259 --> 00:14:42.980 you can't have more chocolate cake right now, Conan. You 328 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:48.200 have to resolve Marge's issue with Homer over their marital difficulties. 329 00:14:48.220 --> 00:14:50.659 And I was like, God damn it. I'm telling you, 330 00:14:51.450 --> 00:14:54.389 I want to write about Mr. Burns' brain being put 331 00:14:54.429 --> 00:14:55.610 into a chimp, you know? 332 00:14:55.629 --> 00:14:58.549 It really is like, yeah, it's an all-you-can-eat comedy buffet 333 00:14:58.570 --> 00:14:58.870 with Mr. 334 00:14:58.909 --> 00:14:59.330 Burns. 335 00:14:59.690 --> 00:15:03.289 And the funniest villains... or the kind of best constructed 336 00:15:03.330 --> 00:15:07.409 villains often are weak in some way because it gives 337 00:15:07.429 --> 00:15:09.909 them some level of sympathy that you're allowed to make 338 00:15:09.929 --> 00:15:12.600 them even more evil, which is why it's so brilliant 339 00:15:12.620 --> 00:15:18.200 that Cartman is eight and overweight and mocked and he's 340 00:15:18.299 --> 00:15:21.539 physically kind of has a hard time getting around. And 341 00:15:21.580 --> 00:15:23.860 I think that's like right out of the Burns playbook 342 00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:28.220 or to make Stewie a baby is a brilliant choice. 343 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:31.340 And a lot of my favorite villains have some kind 344 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:35.360 of infirmity because you like them just enough that when 345 00:15:35.399 --> 00:15:40.879 they decide to block out the sun or whatever, you're like, okay, yeah. 346 00:15:41.019 --> 00:15:44.440 I know exactly what you're talking about. And let's start, 347 00:15:44.460 --> 00:15:46.500 I don't talk about this much. I don't know why 348 00:15:46.519 --> 00:15:50.000 I don't talk about it much, but I was fairly 349 00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:52.490 insecure about a lot of things, didn't quite know where 350 00:15:52.500 --> 00:15:54.330 I fit in the world. And then I get to 351 00:15:54.350 --> 00:15:58.830 this very prestigious college and went there with every intention 352 00:15:58.850 --> 00:16:02.009 of being a serious student and scholar, bumped into the 353 00:16:02.049 --> 00:16:06.080 Harvard Lampoon first semester freshman year. It was like stumbling 354 00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:09.919 into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I just thought almost a 355 00:16:09.980 --> 00:16:15.980 religious experience of these people take seriously the stuff that's

356 00:16:16.039 --> 00:16:19.279 so important to me that I didn't think you could 357 00:16:19.299 --> 00:16:21.779 take seriously. I honestly didn't think you could take comedy 358 00:16:21.799 --> 00:16:24.289 writing seriously or being silly seriously. 359 00:16:24.429 --> 00:16:28.210 I mean, yeah, I distinctly remember a four-hour debate about 360 00:16:28.789 --> 00:16:32.179 which Masturbating Bear segment was the most important segment. 361 00:16:32.970 --> 00:16:35.570 Oh, like a lampoon? Yeah, like in terms of like... Well, 362 00:16:35.950 --> 00:16:39.590 I'm glad I did my part to move the chess 363 00:16:39.629 --> 00:16:40.250 piece forward. 364 00:16:40.289 --> 00:16:42.769 It was literally like intense, like four hours. Like, no, 365 00:16:43.049 --> 00:16:46.940 when Mastering Bear quits smoking, that's the best one, and 366 00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:49.340 here's why. And then somebody else being like, I disagree. 367 00:16:49.639 --> 00:16:53.720 I think that's when it lost its way. And just 368 00:16:53.740 --> 00:16:57.259 like heated debates about the silliest sketches. 369 00:16:57.580 --> 00:17:00.929 When you're 18 years old, And just out of high school, 370 00:17:00.990 --> 00:17:02.450 and I went to a public high school, and I 371 00:17:02.470 --> 00:17:05.839 was a rube. I mean, I didn't know anything about anything. 372 00:17:05.940 --> 00:17:11.759 I got into the lampoon, and suddenly, 21-year-old seniors are saying, hey, 373 00:17:11.799 --> 00:17:13.799 I really like that piece you wrote, or I really 374 00:17:13.819 --> 00:17:17.150 like that cartoon you did. And to an 18-year-old, a 375 00:17:17.170 --> 00:17:20.819 22-year-old is- The president. He's the president of the United States. 376 00:17:20.859 --> 00:17:21.460 You can't believe. 377 00:17:21.519 --> 00:17:25.660 You cannot believe that this person's making eye contact with you. 378 00:17:25.700 --> 00:17:27.839 A man with a full mustache is looking you in 379 00:17:27.880 --> 00:17:28.200 the eye. 380 00:17:28.259 --> 00:17:29.809 Someone who needs to shave. 381 00:17:29.940 --> 00:17:30.269 Yeah. 382 00:17:30.460 --> 00:17:33.609 It isn't an affectation. They actually- They need it. Because 383 00:17:33.670 --> 00:17:35.390 hair grows out of their face. Out of their face 384 00:17:35.769 --> 00:17:37.869 every day, daily. I used to, at that age, I 385 00:17:37.890 --> 00:17:42.000 was inserting hairs into my face. And painstaking ritual hours. 386 00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.460 Wake up in the early pre-dawn hours with the tweezers 387 00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:48.839 and the glue. And insert. I remember, yeah, I still 388 00:17:48.859 --> 00:17:52.009 do it. That these adults, they were adults to me. 389 00:17:52.029 --> 00:17:52.509 Yeah. 390 00:17:52.569 --> 00:17:55.069 And they were full-on adults and looked like adults and 391 00:17:55.109 --> 00:17:55.769 talked like adults. 392 00:17:55.789 --> 00:17:57.329 They would drink like nice beers. 393 00:17:57.690 --> 00:17:57.930 Yes. 394 00:17:57.950 --> 00:17:59.789 Not just any beer. Like they would be like, I 395 00:17:59.829 --> 00:18:02.130 prefer this beer to that beer. I prefer the taste 396 00:18:02.170 --> 00:18:02.650 of this beer. 397 00:18:02.670 --> 00:18:02.950 Yeah. 398 00:18:03.779 --> 00:18:06.839 As opposed to just like get it in my throat 399 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:10.039 by the fastest physical mechanism that we have. 400 00:18:10.779 --> 00:18:12.440 I'm told you had a tracheotomy so you could get 401 00:18:12.460 --> 00:18:13.799 the beer in even faster. 402 00:18:13.819 --> 00:18:16.019 It's like, no, this beer, I prefer it. 403 00:18:16.299 --> 00:18:16.759 What is it? 404 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:18.630 What sophisticated world am I in? 405 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:21.339 It's like James Bond. Yeah. If you have an Amstel Light, 406 00:18:21.380 --> 00:18:23.599 I'll take it. That guy's the coolest man ever. 407 00:18:23.640 --> 00:18:26.339 The coolest thing in the world. I mean, the miracle 408 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:31.430 of writing for me has been basically It's this thing 409 00:18:31.450 --> 00:18:33.660 that I started doing because I didn't always feel like 410 00:18:33.720 --> 00:18:39.079 I fit in with other people in school. And I 411 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:42.589 often felt like, okay, the things I think are funny, 412 00:18:42.869 --> 00:18:45.089 kids at the popular table don't necessarily think that they 413 00:18:45.130 --> 00:18:49.240 are funny. And– I wasn't on the sports teams and 414 00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:49.980 I was not, you know. 415 00:18:50.279 --> 00:18:51.900 The fact that you called them the sports teams. 416 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:54.619 The sports teams, yeah. And so I was alone in 417 00:18:54.660 --> 00:18:59.190 my room studying, you know, studying The Simpsons and Kids 418 00:18:59.230 --> 00:19:01.910 in the Hall sketches and writing as a kind of 419 00:19:01.930 --> 00:19:05.589 like way to deal with the social weirdness that I felt. 420 00:19:05.970 --> 00:19:08.750 And then somehow through the writing, I ended up with 421 00:19:08.789 --> 00:19:12.720 this community of friends who saw the world in the 422 00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:15.119 same way that I did and who even wanted to 423 00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:18.240 collaborate with me. And That's the thing that I'm so 424 00:19:18.259 --> 00:19:21.619 grateful is when I started writing, I loved it from 425 00:19:21.640 --> 00:19:24.099 moment one. As soon as I started writing as a child, 426 00:19:24.119 --> 00:19:25.400 I was like, this is what I want to do forever. 427 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:27.579 But I did not think that it was going to 428 00:19:28.119 --> 00:19:29.940 make me lifelong friends. 429 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:33.259 It's a little like Robin Hood, where you start off 430 00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:35.460 and then you pick up people along the way. And 431 00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:37.980 then before you know it, you have your

gang of 432 00:19:38.259 --> 00:19:42.369 merry men, your posse of people that you collect along 433 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:42.900 the way. 434 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:46.180 The other amazing thing is you... in my case, I've 435 00:19:46.220 --> 00:19:49.890 learned so much from the people I've met along the way. Like, 436 00:19:50.490 --> 00:19:52.990 at every stage at the, at the Harvard Lampoon and 437 00:19:53.019 --> 00:19:56.099 then SNL. And then at, um, later on when I 438 00:19:56.140 --> 00:19:58.279 worked at Pixar and then the other TV shows I 439 00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:01.140 did after that, I learned so much from the other writers. 440 00:20:01.319 --> 00:20:03.700 That's the thing that I really like is if you 441 00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:07.759 can say there's your, you know, there's Mulaney's and, and, and, 442 00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:12.200 you know, your Jack Handy's and your Jim Downies and 443 00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:15.690 Robert Smigel and, you know, you. There are all these 444 00:20:15.730 --> 00:20:18.289 people that come up with these ideas that I think, oh, 445 00:20:18.329 --> 00:20:20.869 this is going to be really funny. This is just 446 00:20:21.009 --> 00:20:24.230 funny the way it's like an ore. You can put 447 00:20:24.250 --> 00:20:25.950 it in a furnace and melt it down and it 448 00:20:25.990 --> 00:20:28.170 will just be a, it'll be a funny goop that 449 00:20:28.190 --> 00:20:30.299 then can reform into a solid. It's still funny. It's 450 00:20:30.339 --> 00:20:34.519 a mass. It's solid. It's not attitude. It's not getting 451 00:20:34.599 --> 00:20:38.049 by on a buzzword that, it's not trading on your emotions. 452 00:20:38.109 --> 00:20:42.950 It's just got this, um, this worth that is so cool. 453 00:20:43.150 --> 00:20:45.730 I got to write most weeks at SNL with, with 454 00:20:45.779 --> 00:20:48.440 two writers, America Sawyer and John Mulaney. And the three 455 00:20:48.460 --> 00:20:51.119 of us wrote together most weeks and they are the 456 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:54.400 two funniest people I've ever met. And I learned so 457 00:20:54.460 --> 00:20:56.880 much from getting to work with them. And to this day, 458 00:20:56.920 --> 00:20:58.970 I still can't believe they like let me tag along 459 00:20:58.990 --> 00:21:00.890 because they were both so much funnier than I was. 460 00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:03.269 not only was everything they were doing stronger than what 461 00:21:03.309 --> 00:21:05.450 I was doing, it was happening at a speed that 462 00:21:05.710 --> 00:21:07.490 blew my mind. I mean, it's like watching, it's like, 463 00:21:07.730 --> 00:21:10.470 it's like being a sprinter and then racing against Usain Bolt. 464 00:21:10.910 --> 00:21:13.650 And you just, it's a level of speed that it 465 00:21:13.809 --> 00:21:17.700 almost seems magical. It's hard to explain how surreal it, it, 466 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:22.160 it felt to write with Millennium America. Cause it, it's like, it, 467 00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:25.359 it would be like meeting somebody who spoke in perfect 468 00:21:25.420 --> 00:21:28.380 rhyming verse and an iambic pentameter, you know, without even trying. 469 00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:30.599 It's funny, when people have an access, this makes me 470 00:21:30.619 --> 00:21:33.759 think of Downey, and I think it's also true of, obviously, 471 00:21:33.779 --> 00:21:36.319 of Mulaney, if they have immediately access to the right phrase. 472 00:21:36.619 --> 00:21:37.420 Perfectly, every time. 473 00:21:37.700 --> 00:21:39.609 So I remembered when I was going to go see 474 00:21:39.650 --> 00:21:43.369 John's show downtown in L.A., and he said, oh, terrific, 475 00:21:43.390 --> 00:21:45.450 and then as a joke, I just said, I plan 476 00:21:45.470 --> 00:21:48.170 to walk in, you know, a few minutes into your set. 477 00:21:48.750 --> 00:21:49.720 To try to rattle you. 478 00:21:49.750 --> 00:21:52.910 No, no, like, the idea was, and, you know, I'm 479 00:21:52.930 --> 00:21:56.210 just expecting, I'll use the center aisle, so that you 480 00:21:56.230 --> 00:21:58.170 can hit me with a spot and say whatever you 481 00:21:58.210 --> 00:22:00.690 want to say about me. And I said, I'll walk in. 482 00:22:00.710 --> 00:22:03.309 I won't walk in too quickly. And he wrote back immediately. 483 00:22:03.329 --> 00:22:07.089 He said, you'll walk in at a king's pace. And 484 00:22:07.150 --> 00:22:10.519 I was like, shit, that's the phrase. It's king's pace. 485 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:14.319 He always has it. He has it instantly. Yeah, he 486 00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:19.119 has it instantly. A king's pace, I thought. But for 487 00:22:19.140 --> 00:22:23.920 my entire life, college career, I thought about comedy and 488 00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:26.329 thought about different ideas and what's the best way to 489 00:22:26.349 --> 00:22:29.150 be funny and why does this not work, but that works. 490 00:22:29.430 --> 00:22:31.329 That got me started a lot earlier, I think, than 491 00:22:31.349 --> 00:22:34.049 I would have otherwise been thinking about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. 492 00:22:34.269 --> 00:22:36.900 I was the same way. And even the courses that 493 00:22:36.940 --> 00:22:41.059 I took were designed to get material. I purposely would 494 00:22:41.099 --> 00:22:44.579 take classes Right. That I thought would like yield interesting 495 00:22:44.619 --> 00:22:46.460 premise ideas. So if you look at my transcript. 496 00:22:46.500 --> 00:22:47.680 Okay, well, wait, really? 497 00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:50.779 It's all like, yeah, no, literally it's like medieval medicine. 498 00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:56.150 Any class I could find that had monkey in the title. 499 00:22:56.730 --> 00:22:58.910 Like sometimes it'd be like really hard science classes. I 500 00:22:58.930 --> 00:23:01.430 could barely understand what was happening. But I was like, 501 00:23:01.529 --> 00:23:03.980 there might be some fun stuff about monkeys in here. 502

00:23:04.160 --> 00:23:07.579 You're at Harvard and you're choosing courses that might help 503 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:08.740 you with the comedic premise. 504 00:23:09.019 --> 00:23:09.259 Yeah. 505 00:23:09.420 --> 00:23:11.660 So you probably– I find if I looked at your 506 00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:16.009 college records, like four times you took classes on pirates. Exactly. 507 00:23:16.029 --> 00:23:20.990 I literally took a class on pirates. Any class I 508 00:23:21.029 --> 00:23:27.720 could take about talking animals. I took a robotics class. 509 00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:30.759 I mean, it was just like– Anything I could do 510 00:23:30.819 --> 00:23:34.119 to try to get new premises that other people weren't 511 00:23:34.140 --> 00:23:34.549 going to get. 512 00:23:34.839 --> 00:23:36.920 Not every day you meet an Irish legend. 513 00:23:37.099 --> 00:23:38.460 I know what you mean, Coo Column. 514 00:23:38.660 --> 00:23:41.740 Leaping vast distances, holding off armies. 515 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:44.009 Eating tons of fresh grass. 516 00:23:44.170 --> 00:23:44.450 What? 517 00:23:44.589 --> 00:23:47.690 Not you, we're cows. That's one of the reasons Irish 518 00:23:47.730 --> 00:23:51.369 milk is so good. It's famous all over the world. 519 00:23:51.670 --> 00:23:52.170 Legend. 520 00:23:53.750 --> 00:23:56.819 Ireland's grass and our farmers' commitment to more sustainable actions 521 00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.880 help make Irish dairy a true Irish legend. 522 00:24:00.180 --> 00:24:03.150 Always look for the National Dairy Council guarantee. Learn more 523 00:24:03.289 --> 00:24:04.089 at ndc.ie. 524 00:24:06.500 --> 00:24:09.089 Due to the leaves falling in autumn and the challenges 525 00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:12.200 this brings, Eireann Road Air in wishes to advise customers 526 00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:15.029 that a revised timetable will take effect on Dart and 527 00:24:15.069 --> 00:24:19.849 Dublin commuter routes from Monday, September 21st until December 12th. 528 00:24:20.069 --> 00:24:22.950 Morning and evening peak services will be affected with some 529 00:24:23.130 --> 00:24:26.329 earlier departure times. 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With custom filters, property 536 00:24:53.650 --> 00:24:57.029 alerts and a hub of advice, available online or in-app, 537 00:24:57.450 --> 00:25:00.549 it's the smart way to buy, sell or rent your home. 538 00:25:01.069 --> 00:25:04.210 Start searching and find your happy place at myhome.ie. 539 00:25:11.059 --> 00:25:14.460 I saw you do something on your show, which absolutely 540 00:25:14.519 --> 00:25:17.859 floored me, Man Seeking Woman. And you did a piece 541 00:25:17.920 --> 00:25:21.180 where Hader is Hitler at a party and he's like 542 00:25:21.609 --> 00:25:22.750 in a cool loft party. 543 00:25:22.890 --> 00:25:23.150 Yes. 544 00:25:23.210 --> 00:25:25.170 And there's a guy there who's like, and it's Hitler now, 545 00:25:25.190 --> 00:25:25.859 he's like 130 years old. 546 00:25:26.109 --> 00:25:29.250 Yeah, that's based on one of my short stories. And 547 00:25:29.390 --> 00:25:32.529 the premise is actually the pilot of Man Seeking Woman. 548 00:25:32.549 --> 00:25:32.769 Yes. 549 00:25:32.970 --> 00:25:36.880 The very first episode. We led with 135-year-old Hitler. 550 00:25:37.720 --> 00:25:41.960 But I loved it because it was Hitler is at 551 00:25:41.980 --> 00:25:45.579 this party, and now he's dating this guy's girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. 552 00:25:45.599 --> 00:25:47.980 The premise is that this guy, he finds out that 553 00:25:48.049 --> 00:25:52.529 his ex-girlfriend, this 20-something guy, his ex-girlfriend has moved on 554 00:25:52.549 --> 00:25:55.170 to someone new, and he's still in love with her, 555 00:25:55.470 --> 00:25:59.369 and now she's dating this older, richer guy, and he 556 00:25:59.410 --> 00:26:02.309 becomes even more upset when he finds out that that 557 00:26:02.450 --> 00:26:03.619 person is Adolf Hitler. 558 00:26:03.630 --> 00:26:03.730 Right. 559 00:26:04.109 --> 00:26:07.670 Who is 135 years old, apparently faked his death and 560 00:26:08.420 --> 00:26:10.299 met his girlfriend or his ex-girlfriend in Buenos Aires. 561 00:26:10.339 --> 00:26:12.279 And he's got money and he's in a wheelchair. He's 562 00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:13.200 in a wheelchair. 563 00:26:13.220 --> 00:26:15.940 I mean, he is 135, so he's unimaginably old, but 564 00:26:16.039 --> 00:26:19.450 he is still with it. And his friends, his best friend, 565 00:26:19.549 --> 00:26:22.440 played by Eric Andre, is like, you know, give him 566 00:26:22.460 --> 00:26:25.140 a chance. Like, I know he's sort of sketchy, but like, 567 00:26:25.319 --> 00:26:27.900 he's got great stories. And like, I think maybe- He's 568 00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:29.799 got a really cool apartment. Cool apartment. And I think 569 00:26:29.819 --> 00:26:31.880 maybe you just don't like him because he's dating Maggie. 570 00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:35.220 He's like, he's Adolf Hitler. 571 00:26:35.299 --> 00:26:37.559 And they're like, you know- You know, like maybe cool 572 00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:41.240 with that because like we're at his apartment. And like, 573 00:26:41.960 --> 00:26:44.259 there's like really good shrimp and. 574 00:26:44.200 --> 00:26:47.069 Like- It's completely insane. And I love how it was 575 00:26:47.109 --> 00:26:50.180 a really good hipster party. And of course, Hater- as 576 00:26:50.220 --> 00:26:54.630 you

said, is so great at being... He's charming as 577 00:26:54.690 --> 00:26:58.069 an old, old Hitler. And, you know, it's all... It 578 00:26:58.730 --> 00:27:00.490 was some bad... He knows. 579 00:27:00.569 --> 00:27:03.970 He knows that he's done some questionable things. But he 580 00:27:04.029 --> 00:27:06.609 also kind of has a sense of humor about it all. 581 00:27:06.650 --> 00:27:09.990 And Maya Erskine, who now is this brilliant show, Pen15, 582 00:27:10.490 --> 00:27:16.759 is great as Maggie, as the ex-girlfriend, who... Basically, it 583 00:27:16.819 --> 00:27:19.440 builds to the point where she tells Jay Baruchel, who 584 00:27:19.460 --> 00:27:22.420 plays the main character, that he needs to apologize to 585 00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:24.529 Hitler for ruining his party. 586 00:27:24.630 --> 00:27:25.190 Exactly. 587 00:27:25.329 --> 00:27:28.390 And he has to say, I'm sorry, Hitler. But then 588 00:27:28.410 --> 00:27:30.299 Hitler is improvised. 589 00:27:30.519 --> 00:27:30.680 Yeah. 590 00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:33.660 Hitler is so old that he's extremely deaf. 591 00:27:33.880 --> 00:27:34.339 I can't hear you. 592 00:27:34.420 --> 00:27:39.339 And so Bill Hader's like, what? And then Jay has 593 00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:40.829 to apologize to Hitler louder. 594 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:41.710 Yeah, yeah. 595 00:27:41.890 --> 00:27:43.670 And we have like one extended improv take where he 596 00:27:43.690 --> 00:27:46.369 has to apologize like 12 times because Hitler keeps forgetting it. 597 00:27:46.369 --> 00:27:48.950 So it's just so funny because I saw that and 598 00:27:48.990 --> 00:27:53.190 I thought, shit, you've ramped it up where... Jay Baruchel 599 00:27:53.230 --> 00:27:56.089 has to say sorry Hitler because he's really being a 600 00:27:56.130 --> 00:27:57.730 drag at Hitler's loft party. 601 00:27:57.789 --> 00:27:58.789 At his really cool party. 602 00:27:58.890 --> 00:27:59.130 Yeah. 603 00:27:59.470 --> 00:28:02.599 I mean, yeah, because when I was growing up, I 604 00:28:02.660 --> 00:28:06.980 really loved, like I said, I loved absurdist sketch comedy. 605 00:28:07.799 --> 00:28:11.180 And the other thing I was obsessed with was heartbreaking 606 00:28:11.380 --> 00:28:16.059 realist fiction. And so I would be watching Kids in 607 00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:17.829 the Hall and then during commercial breaks, I would be 608 00:28:17.869 --> 00:28:21.509 reading like Carson McCullers and like Richard Yates, like stuff 609 00:28:21.529 --> 00:28:25.390 that is not necessarily depressing, but stuff that can make 610 00:28:25.410 --> 00:28:29.150 you cry because it's so emotionally brutal. And I always thought, 611 00:28:29.289 --> 00:28:31.549 I wonder if you could do these at the same time. 612 00:28:31.789 --> 00:28:34.869 I wonder if you can write a story about unrequited 613 00:28:34.930 --> 00:28:40.529 love that is as brutal as Flannery O'Connor's story, but 614 00:28:40.849 --> 00:28:43.970 also have robots and also have time travel and also 615 00:28:43.990 --> 00:28:46.990 have talking monkeys. Can you jam those two things together? 616 00:28:47.170 --> 00:28:51.099 And I remember- asking my English teachers, do you know 617 00:28:51.140 --> 00:28:54.589 any writers who do that? And one teacher I remember 618 00:28:54.630 --> 00:28:58.869 told me, it's impossible because the funnier something gets, the 619 00:28:58.930 --> 00:29:01.910 more superficial and hollow it becomes. And I remember thinking, 620 00:29:01.930 --> 00:29:04.430 I don't think that's true. And the reason why I 621 00:29:04.430 --> 00:29:06.650 don't think it's true is because of The Simpsons. Because 622 00:29:06.690 --> 00:29:09.819 The Simpsons, especially the era of The Simpsons that you 623 00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:13.119 were a part of, it's super silly, super absurd, and 624 00:29:13.180 --> 00:29:17.519 also incredibly emotionally grounded and and moving and poignant, sometimes 625 00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:20.259 all within the same scene or even within the same joke. 626 00:29:20.759 --> 00:29:23.740 And so I was like, I know this can be done. 627 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:28.809 And I've been trying, trying with varying degrees of success 628 00:29:28.829 --> 00:29:32.210 to try to kind of do that thing of being silly, 629 00:29:32.269 --> 00:29:34.170 but also emotional at the same time. 630 00:29:34.190 --> 00:29:37.460 Well, you know, I want to make sure I talk 631 00:29:37.480 --> 00:29:40.519 about this because New Teeth is your new book of 632 00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:44.200 short stories. And I've devoured all of your short stories 633 00:29:44.380 --> 00:29:47.180 over the years. But there's so many stories in here 634 00:29:47.220 --> 00:29:50.109 where I found myself really laughing because it's so funny. 635 00:29:50.509 --> 00:29:54.670 But then there's something that feels sweet and real to 636 00:29:54.710 --> 00:29:57.789 me at the end that's earned. There's this story you 637 00:29:57.809 --> 00:30:01.309 wrote called Clabo. Please, if you're listening, go out and 638 00:30:01.349 --> 00:30:04.519 get new teeth and read Clabo because I read it, 639 00:30:04.670 --> 00:30:07.319 the entire story out loud to my family because I 640 00:30:07.339 --> 00:30:08.440 kept laughing so much. 641 00:30:08.519 --> 00:30:09.480 I'm so happy you liked that one. 642 00:30:09.500 --> 00:30:13.500 But Clabo is, when I talk about being envious, I 643 00:30:13.519 --> 00:30:16.319 wish I had written Clabo. And in fact, I'm going 644 00:30:16.339 --> 00:30:19.019 to start telling people I wrote Clabo. You know what's 645 00:30:19.039 --> 00:30:21.920 going to happen? Most people won't bother to look up 646 00:30:22.019 --> 00:30:23.980 and find out that you wrote it. So there'll be 647 00:30:24.019 --> 00:30:26.940 a 3% will end up thinking I wrote Clabo and 648 00:30:27.140 --> 00:30:31.339 that's all I want. But Klabo is a giant, like, 649 00:30:31.400 --> 00:30:37.349 super-powered ape

that has saved Earth many times. And now 650 00:30:37.869 --> 00:30:40.710 it's a couple years later. No creatures have come from 651 00:30:40.730 --> 00:30:44.609 the sky in a long time. And they bring Klabo in, 652 00:30:44.769 --> 00:30:48.829 and they tell him, basically, we can't afford your giant 653 00:30:48.869 --> 00:30:49.890 fortress of solitude. 654 00:30:49.910 --> 00:30:50.059 Yeah. 655 00:30:50.079 --> 00:30:53.559 We can't afford. They tell him there's been some budget cutbacks. Yeah. 656 00:30:54.259 --> 00:31:00.680 So we're actually going to put you into a management situation. 657 00:31:00.700 --> 00:31:03.460 Yeah, because they're polite because he was a big hero 658 00:31:04.099 --> 00:31:05.799 many years ago and they don't want to slight him. 659 00:31:05.880 --> 00:31:09.349 So as a conciliatory, they kick him upstairs essentially. 660 00:31:09.509 --> 00:31:12.410 Yeah, and they say, you're going to be our new 661 00:31:12.509 --> 00:31:16.910 senior coordinator for the Office of Community Affairs. And Clabo's impressed. 662 00:31:17.210 --> 00:31:21.109 You're going to get your own office. Now, of course, 663 00:31:21.190 --> 00:31:23.930 Clabo speaks the way you would imagine Clabo would speak. 664 00:31:24.390 --> 00:31:29.910 He is a giant ape creature. So Klabo's excited and says, 665 00:31:30.589 --> 00:31:35.799 Klabo going to need new clothes. Klabo need tie. Klabo 666 00:31:35.859 --> 00:31:40.019 need shoes. And Klabo need to go to bed by 10. 667 00:31:40.019 --> 00:31:43.119 He's saying this to his wife. Klabo need to leave 668 00:31:43.200 --> 00:31:45.589 early in the morning. Klabo need to allow time for learning. 669 00:31:45.630 --> 00:31:48.940 New commute. He's so excited. And then- you get to 670 00:31:48.980 --> 00:31:51.460 this passage where he has a whole suit that he's 671 00:31:51.519 --> 00:31:52.500 picked out to wear to work. 672 00:31:52.539 --> 00:31:54.039 And I'm just going to read this because I just 673 00:31:54.140 --> 00:31:54.799 loved it so much. 674 00:31:55.299 --> 00:31:58.160 Klabo got to work four hours early. He didn't have 675 00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:00.299 a key card yet, so he spent the morning pacing 676 00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:03.779 around the lobby, stopping at each mirror to scrutinize his outfit. 677 00:32:04.099 --> 00:32:06.940 He still wasn't fully confident in his executive look. At 678 00:32:06.940 --> 00:32:10.930 12 feet tall and 1,900 pounds, shopping for business clothes 679 00:32:10.950 --> 00:32:13.650 had been a challenge. Mimi, that's his wife, had managed 680 00:32:13.670 --> 00:32:17.289 to find him a pair of quadruple X khakis. but 681 00:32:17.329 --> 00:32:19.970 when he tried them on at dawn, the seams had exploded, 682 00:32:20.309 --> 00:32:22.509 leaving him no choice but to tie the garment over 683 00:32:22.569 --> 00:32:24.970 his crotch like a diaper. In lieu of a tie, 684 00:32:25.390 --> 00:32:28.680 he painted a red stripe on his chest. His shoes 685 00:32:28.960 --> 00:32:34.700 were buckets. I was just like, this is so delightful. 686 00:32:35.900 --> 00:32:37.559 He shows up to work like that, and of course, 687 00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:41.960 he's used to battling space aliens, and now people at 688 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:44.160 work are kind of snarky, because he doesn't know anything 689 00:32:44.200 --> 00:32:50.049 about management. There's a lot of eye-rolling inner office politics. 690 00:32:50.789 --> 00:32:54.509 He's just trying to hang this new environment and trying 691 00:32:54.529 --> 00:32:57.170 to fit in and do a good job and serve 692 00:32:57.190 --> 00:33:00.079 the city in this new way. He just doesn't have– 693 00:33:00.329 --> 00:33:04.359 he really only had one skill that everyone needed. Which was, 694 00:33:04.490 --> 00:33:07.059 when it was Klabo time, he could bash aliens. Yes, 695 00:33:07.099 --> 00:33:10.779 nobody was better at bashing these worms from space. But 696 00:33:10.819 --> 00:33:14.980 when it comes to figuring out the Wi-Fi password, you know, 697 00:33:15.019 --> 00:33:16.240 it's very tricky for him. 698 00:33:16.420 --> 00:33:18.680 Yeah, and they're trying to get him the Wi-Fi and 699 00:33:18.740 --> 00:33:21.319 he's trying and he just says, get me numbers, get 700 00:33:21.400 --> 00:33:24.720 Klabo numbers. He knows that his job involves numbers in 701 00:33:24.740 --> 00:33:26.390 some way. He thinks that he can fake it. 702 00:33:26.890 --> 00:33:30.049 You know, that if he just keeps demanding... If he 703 00:33:30.089 --> 00:33:33.990 keeps demanding numbers of people, that somehow he'll succeed. 704 00:33:34.289 --> 00:33:34.609 Yeah. 705 00:33:34.910 --> 00:33:38.410 Klabo need numbers, he would say. You give Klabo numbers now. 706 00:33:38.529 --> 00:33:40.890 And Kevin, who's like the young guy at the firm 707 00:33:40.930 --> 00:33:43.880 who has to kind of look after, is like, what numbers? 708 00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:46.500 You tell me, Klabo would say. You are supposed to 709 00:33:46.539 --> 00:33:48.660 know which numbers. You find out which numbers and you 710 00:33:48.700 --> 00:33:51.019 show to Klabo. I don't know what you want. I 711 00:33:51.119 --> 00:33:54.329 have no idea what you're talking about. And poor Clabo, 712 00:33:55.150 --> 00:33:57.029 but I read it and I had so much, and 713 00:33:57.049 --> 00:34:01.230 there's a really sweet ending to the story. But I 714 00:34:01.250 --> 00:34:04.230 think one of the things you do so well is 715 00:34:04.809 --> 00:34:09.679 don't spend any time trying to massage a crazy premise. 716 00:34:10.900 --> 00:34:15.280 Just start by saying, Clabo was a giant ape who 717 00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:16.239 protected Earth for years. 718 00:34:16.260 --> 00:34:16.820 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 719 00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:20.019 That's the way you do it. You know what I mean? 720 00:34:20.059 --> 00:34:22.039 Thank you. Well, thank you so much. I'm so happy 721 00:34:22.079 -->

00:34:27.090 you like that story. Yeah, I mean, some of my 722 00:34:27.679 --> 00:34:32.989 favorite short story writers are not comedy writers. They're genre writers. 723 00:34:33.130 --> 00:34:37.309 So like Stephen King and Bradbury and Philip K. Dick 724 00:34:37.349 --> 00:34:40.989 and Shirley Jackson and T.C. Boyle. These are writers who 725 00:34:41.409 --> 00:34:45.119 take really big swings. you know, the first sentence of 726 00:34:45.239 --> 00:34:47.800 a Bradbury short story, you're transported. Like by the end 727 00:34:47.840 --> 00:34:49.639 of the sentence, you know, okay, I guess I'm on 728 00:34:49.659 --> 00:34:52.840 the spaceship now. And there's an alien loose, like you're 729 00:34:52.989 --> 00:34:56.190 right there. And I try to emulate those kinds of 730 00:34:56.230 --> 00:34:59.969 writers where like, that's why I prefer to write short 731 00:35:00.050 --> 00:35:03.190 story collections to novels. I have written a couple of novels, 732 00:35:03.230 --> 00:35:05.429 but I mostly write short stories because you can take 733 00:35:05.469 --> 00:35:09.389 these really big swings. You can just say, okay, yeah, 734 00:35:09.510 --> 00:35:11.750 here's a giant monkey man trying to learn how to 735 00:35:11.789 --> 00:35:17.730 be a middle manager in a bureaucracy. And then 10 736 00:35:17.730 --> 00:35:20.110 pages later, when you're on to the next story, it 737 00:35:20.130 --> 00:35:25.150 can be a 1930s-style noir or it can be about a. 738 00:35:25.570 --> 00:35:29.860 You wrote a great noir story in here about it's 739 00:35:29.900 --> 00:35:35.099 a baby— who's basically the detective. And there's another baby, 740 00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:37.000 a young girl baby. 741 00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:37.960 Yeah. 742 00:35:38.179 --> 00:35:43.070 Who is the femme fatale. Yes. Who's hiring him to 743 00:35:43.110 --> 00:35:46.809 find out what's going on. And everything lines up with 744 00:35:46.949 --> 00:35:51.130 a great detective story. But you're talking about people that are, what, 745 00:35:51.150 --> 00:35:51.809 a year old? 746 00:35:52.260 --> 00:35:52.679 Yeah. 747 00:35:52.760 --> 00:35:55.559 How old are they? He can move. So I'm thinking 748 00:35:55.579 --> 00:35:56.679 he's about a year and a half old. 749 00:35:56.739 --> 00:35:57.380 He's two. 750 00:35:57.579 --> 00:35:58.619 Yeah, he's two. He's two. 751 00:35:59.320 --> 00:36:01.940 And he's... It's called The Big Nap, and it's kind 752 00:36:01.980 --> 00:36:08.179 of modeled after Chandler Hammond. He's two years old, and 753 00:36:09.400 --> 00:36:12.800 life is hard for him. He is weary and tired. 754 00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:16.360 He's hitting the bottle all the time. He often will 755 00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:18.059 wake up and not know where he is. He's just 756 00:36:18.639 --> 00:36:20.559 trying to keep it all straight and keep it all 757 00:36:20.579 --> 00:36:25.119 together in a world that makes no sense. Then this 758 00:36:25.139 --> 00:36:28.219

femme fatale, this baby girl shows up, with a missing 759 00:36:28.280 --> 00:36:30.239 unicorn and she wants him to find it. And he's 760 00:36:30.280 --> 00:36:32.429 not sure whether to get mixed up with her because 761 00:36:32.989 --> 00:36:35.019 she has this like shady past. She doesn't exactly know 762 00:36:35.059 --> 00:36:39.679 where she came from. Like some people said that she 763 00:36:39.739 --> 00:36:42.239 came from the hospital, but then there's also this rumor 764 00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:45.500 that she once lived inside of mommy's tummy. And so 765 00:36:45.539 --> 00:36:49.659 he doesn't really, he doesn't really trust her, you know, 766 00:36:49.989 --> 00:36:53.329 but she has Batman stickers. Yeah. She's going to pay him. 767 00:36:53.369 --> 00:36:54.789 So he's like, Hey, a job's a job. 768 00:36:55.010 --> 00:36:55.460 Oh, I love it. 769 00:36:55.510 --> 00:36:59.489 And then like, as, as the story progresses, like, like 770 00:36:59.510 --> 00:37:01.909 in all of these, in a lot of these detective 771 00:37:02.090 --> 00:37:07.670 noir novels from the 30s, 40s, 50s, he realizes, you know, 772 00:37:07.690 --> 00:37:11.230 there's something about this screwy kid. Like, I kind of 773 00:37:11.269 --> 00:37:13.670 like her. She's getting under his skin. She's getting under 774 00:37:13.710 --> 00:37:16.329 his skin. But then, of course, she ends up betraying him. 775 00:37:17.349 --> 00:37:22.070 And then ultimately there's a happy resolution. And so it's like, 776 00:37:22.090 --> 00:37:24.989 it is like a parody. It's satire. But what I 777 00:37:25.030 --> 00:37:27.579 was hoping to do is, like, Emotionally, I was hoping 778 00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:31.960 to tell a story about like two siblings becoming friends, 779 00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:35.119 about a toddler learning, maybe my baby sister is not 780 00:37:35.139 --> 00:37:36.480 so bad, maybe we can coexist. 781 00:37:36.500 --> 00:37:38.590 Maybe we can work this out. Yeah. Well, I think 782 00:37:38.610 --> 00:37:43.590 that's something you do exceptionally well, which is you take 783 00:37:43.670 --> 00:37:46.130 a story we all know, which is in this case, 784 00:37:46.210 --> 00:37:52.489 the Chandler story, the tough Humphrey Bogart, the woman coming 785 00:37:52.550 --> 00:37:56.010 into the detective office who's in trouble, He's not going 786 00:37:56.030 --> 00:37:58.570 to fall for this, but he starts to. And then 787 00:37:58.610 --> 00:38:01.469 you flip it around. So we're seeing it through the 788 00:38:01.690 --> 00:38:04.190 eyes of these babies, which makes me see it in 789 00:38:04.210 --> 00:38:06.969 a completely different way. It's very disarming. One of my 790 00:38:06.989 --> 00:38:09.469 favorite things you did in that, it's a spoiler, but 791 00:38:09.510 --> 00:38:11.960 it doesn't matter because it's just that funny when you 792 00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:14.519 read the stories. There's a great moment because we all 793 00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:16.900 know that in detective stories, at some point, they slip 794 00:38:16.920 --> 00:38:21.480 the detective a Mickey. and they slip the detective in Mickey. 795 00:38:21.559 --> 00:38:24.039 It's inevitable. It's inevitable. They put something in his drink 796 00:38:24.320 --> 00:38:27.820 and then he wakes up somewhere and he realizes that 797 00:38:28.139 --> 00:38:31.210 the bad guys drugged him. And in this one, he's 798 00:38:31.250 --> 00:38:33.849 trying to get away and an adult clearly gives him 799 00:38:33.889 --> 00:38:38.679 like some Robitussin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wakes up in 800 00:38:38.699 --> 00:38:42.360 his crib. Yeah. And it was great because it was just, 801 00:38:42.380 --> 00:38:45.219 it slid over perfectly. It worked really nice. 802 00:38:45.280 --> 00:38:47.599 And in that story, thank you, in that story, the 803 00:38:47.639 --> 00:38:50.050 grownups are essentially the mob. They're the enemy. 804 00:38:50.070 --> 00:38:50.690 Yes, yes. 805 00:38:50.769 --> 00:38:53.550 And it's like, A big nefarious group of grownups. 806 00:38:53.710 --> 00:38:53.949 Yeah. 807 00:38:53.969 --> 00:38:56.309 Which is perfect. Right. 808 00:38:56.329 --> 00:38:57.369 And they speak in code. 809 00:38:57.710 --> 00:38:57.909 Right. 810 00:38:57.949 --> 00:39:00.110 They're constantly disappearing. You don't know what they're up to. 811 00:39:00.250 --> 00:39:03.590 And he knows that it all goes back to Mama somehow. Like, 812 00:39:03.710 --> 00:39:05.050 he knows that she's at the top. 813 00:39:05.309 --> 00:39:05.510 Right. 814 00:39:05.889 --> 00:39:09.949 And that everybody works for her. Yeah. Including especially Dada. But, like, 815 00:39:09.989 --> 00:39:11.610 he doesn't know more than that. 816 00:39:11.699 --> 00:39:13.280 Doesn't know. It's a shadowy world. 817 00:39:13.300 --> 00:39:15.760 It's a shadowy world. You know, they have their secret 818 00:39:16.159 --> 00:39:18.460 after hours hangout at the TV room where, you know, 819 00:39:18.860 --> 00:39:21.489 they stay up late doing God knows what. And yeah, 820 00:39:21.710 --> 00:39:23.489 he's justly terrified of them. 821 00:39:23.750 --> 00:39:23.949 Yeah. 822 00:39:24.230 --> 00:39:26.050 Well, I'm gonna really get into the weeds here with 823 00:39:26.090 --> 00:39:28.750 a question for you, which is something that has always 824 00:39:28.809 --> 00:39:32.010 fascinated me in comedy. And I see you do it 825 00:39:32.409 --> 00:39:35.949 sometimes really well. There's a story that you wrote in here, 826 00:39:36.429 --> 00:39:39.170 which is a really great, funny story about these two 827 00:39:39.309 --> 00:39:44.179 pirates that are just the worst, cruelest pirates ever. They literally, 828 00:39:44.260 --> 00:39:47.159 their beards are soaked with the blood of their victims. 829 00:39:47.500 --> 00:39:50.409 They talk like pirates. They're tough, and then they find 830 00:39:50.449 --> 00:39:52.510 this little girl that they've got to take care of.

831 00:39:52.989 --> 00:39:55.719 They're talking like pirates, but trying to figure out basically 832 00:39:55.760 --> 00:39:57.719 how to ferberize the baby, like get it on a 833 00:39:57.739 --> 00:39:58.119 sleep schedule. 834 00:39:58.139 --> 00:40:00.059 Yeah, they end up having different parenting philosophies. 835 00:40:00.079 --> 00:40:01.800 Yeah, they have different parenting philosophies. 836 00:40:02.920 --> 00:40:07.039 They were a great duo. When it came to killing 837 00:40:07.059 --> 00:40:10.440 people and stealing their gold and sailing the seven seas, 838 00:40:10.559 --> 00:40:12.920 they got along perfectly. And then when it comes to 839 00:40:12.940 --> 00:40:14.579 the question of how do we deal with this three-year-old 840 00:40:14.619 --> 00:40:16.989 girl— It's like, you know, like, arr, maybe we should 841 00:40:17.159 --> 00:40:18.480 be getting her on some kind of schedule. 842 00:40:18.679 --> 00:40:21.039 Yeah, and then the other one's like, arr, no. You know, 843 00:40:21.059 --> 00:40:23.300 because one pirate wants to keep her up all night 844 00:40:23.320 --> 00:40:25.099 and let her have fun, and the other's like saying, arr, 845 00:40:25.119 --> 00:40:26.519 I think we should put her on a schedule. And 846 00:40:26.539 --> 00:40:29.539 then the first one's saying, arr, well, you know, if 847 00:40:29.579 --> 00:40:32.360 she makes noise at four, we'll just handle it then. 848 00:40:32.420 --> 00:40:35.139 And then the second one, as we've all heard this 849 00:40:35.199 --> 00:40:38.280 conversation in relationships many times, oh, so you'll be the 850 00:40:38.360 --> 00:40:41.760 one getting up at four. And I thought, but one 851 00:40:41.780 --> 00:40:45.150 of the things I love is... There'll be a character 852 00:40:45.210 --> 00:40:49.170 like a Homer Simpson or whatever, who's clearly not very bright. 853 00:40:49.230 --> 00:40:51.010 And the whole premise is that he's not very bright. 854 00:40:51.429 --> 00:40:52.690 But at a given moment. 855 00:40:52.710 --> 00:40:53.989 He'll suddenly be a savant. 856 00:40:54.130 --> 00:40:56.809 Yes. He'll have full knowledge. At a given moment, if 857 00:40:56.889 --> 00:41:01.280 it's funny for Homer to suddenly have access to great knowledge, 858 00:41:01.639 --> 00:41:02.260 he will. 859 00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:02.539 Yes. 860 00:41:03.219 --> 00:41:06.139 I was re-watching some episode that was not from my era, 861 00:41:06.179 --> 00:41:10.159 but Lisa makes some kind of joke about, or she's 862 00:41:10.219 --> 00:41:13.480 worried about her college career and- She says, you know, 863 00:41:13.500 --> 00:41:14.840 I don't know if I'll get into an Ivy. I 864 00:41:14.889 --> 00:41:17.929 might have to go to Vassar. He spits out, he says, 865 00:41:18.010 --> 00:41:20.449 no daughter of mine. Yeah, but he's also like, enough 866 00:41:20.550 --> 00:41:23.349 Vassar bashing in this house. Oh, that's what it is, yeah, yeah, sorry. 867 00:41:23.369 --> 00:41:25.650 He says, I won't stand for any more Vassar bashing 868 00:41:25.690 --> 00:41:28.409 in this house. And I'm thinking, Homer doesn't even know 869 00:41:29.599 --> 00:41:32.980 what Vassar would be in any other reality, but suddenly 870 00:41:33.079 --> 00:41:35.719 he knows that there's an old trope of Vassar bashing 871 00:41:35.760 --> 00:41:36.659 in the Ivy Leagues. 872 00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:40.869 And he defends Vassar, that's right. Yeah, it's so great. 873 00:41:40.889 --> 00:41:43.489 So, you know, and I've noticed that I bring it 874 00:41:43.550 --> 00:41:46.670 up because obviously that's a trick that you can do 875 00:41:47.150 --> 00:41:52.760 in comedy is suddenly a character has knowledge to just 876 00:41:52.860 --> 00:41:55.940 what to say. I've noticed that sometimes in your stories, 877 00:41:56.900 --> 00:41:59.880 you're really getting into the rhythm of this pirate language 878 00:41:59.900 --> 00:42:04.440 and it's really great. And then suddenly a pirate knows... 879 00:42:04.840 --> 00:42:07.800 all right, you're just being passive aggressive now. And suddenly 880 00:42:07.860 --> 00:42:12.280 he has access to something, to a level of knowledge 881 00:42:12.340 --> 00:42:15.880 of human behavior. We in the 21st century use the 882 00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:18.780 word passive aggressive all the time, but this pirate. 883 00:42:18.940 --> 00:42:19.219 Yes. 884 00:42:19.880 --> 00:42:20.119 Yes. 885 00:42:20.219 --> 00:42:25.519 And sometimes, sometimes I'll be in situations where there'll be 886 00:42:25.539 --> 00:42:28.280 like a, you know, either at the New Yorker or 887 00:42:28.340 --> 00:42:30.250 with one of my publishing houses, there'll be a very 888 00:42:30.349 --> 00:42:33.010 sweet fact checker who is like, cause I get the 889 00:42:33.030 --> 00:42:35.659 copy edits and the I don't think an 18th century 890 00:42:35.719 --> 00:42:37.280 pirate would know this term. 891 00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:37.699 Yes. 892 00:42:37.940 --> 00:42:40.179 Or like, I don't think this slang word, you've been 893 00:42:40.199 --> 00:42:42.619 consistent for many paragraphs in a row, but I don't 894 00:42:42.820 --> 00:42:46.429 think that the elephant man would- Well, see, this is 895 00:42:46.469 --> 00:42:48.170 what I was gonna bring up. Would say that something 896 00:42:48.210 --> 00:42:50.690 was played out. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's what I was 897 00:42:50.710 --> 00:42:51.190 gonna bring up. 898 00:42:51.250 --> 00:42:54.449 You wrote this piece that I love called Case Study, 899 00:42:54.590 --> 00:42:57.389 and it's about, it's basically, it's the story of the 900 00:42:57.429 --> 00:42:59.989 elephant man, and it's all the diary, it's the diary 901 00:43:00.010 --> 00:43:03.530 of the physician who's helping him But suddenly you'll keep 902 00:43:03.829 --> 00:43:06.630 doing this great rhythm thing where you'll change it up. 903 00:43:06.730 --> 00:43:10.260 It's all written as a medical report would be in 904

00:43:10.280 --> 00:43:13.659 the 1880s. But then, you know, he'll notice that the 905 00:43:13.699 --> 00:43:15.579 Elephant Man is kind of coming on to his wife 906 00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:18.059 by reading poetry in front of her. 907 00:43:18.079 --> 00:43:23.800 He becomes obsessed with the theory that there's something going 908 00:43:23.869 --> 00:43:25.159 on between his wife and the Elephant Man. 909 00:43:25.210 --> 00:43:27.809 Yeah, and the Elephant Man. And he's still writing in 910 00:43:27.849 --> 00:43:31.590 that 19th century style, but... at one point he'll say 911 00:43:31.659 --> 00:43:35.630 things like, he's reading poetry again. I mean, he's really 912 00:43:35.690 --> 00:43:38.800 pushing it. And you'll think, well, no, no one would 913 00:43:38.840 --> 00:43:40.139 have said that, but it's hilarious. 914 00:43:40.159 --> 00:43:45.719 At one point he asks, he, He asks rhetorically why 915 00:43:45.800 --> 00:43:46.940 she would do him like this. 916 00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:48.679 Yeah. 917 00:43:49.219 --> 00:43:53.079 Which is extremely, extremely anachronistic. 918 00:43:53.199 --> 00:43:56.670 Yeah. And there's another point that I really loved where 919 00:43:56.949 --> 00:44:02.530 you're suggesting that, you know, it's brought up that, well, 920 00:44:02.570 --> 00:44:05.920 possibly they're having some kind of affair. And someone says... 921 00:44:06.269 --> 00:44:11.250 That wouldn't happen. This is Victorian England. There's something akin 922 00:44:11.269 --> 00:44:13.110 to that where people are very aware that this is 923 00:44:13.139 --> 00:44:14.179 the Victorian era. 924 00:44:14.239 --> 00:44:14.739 That's right. 925 00:44:14.780 --> 00:44:15.480 Well, the wife. 926 00:44:16.619 --> 00:44:16.920 Yeah. 927 00:44:17.659 --> 00:44:21.800 Because the wife says, you know, you're being jealous and 928 00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:25.619 ridiculous and insecure, but also like. he's clearly gay. 929 00:44:25.519 --> 00:44:27.760 Yeah yeah he said how do you know he's gay 930 00:44:27.780 --> 00:44:28.800 did he come out and she said well no he 931 00:44:28.820 --> 00:44:30.530 wouldn't come out it's victorian england. 932 00:44:30.409 --> 00:44:32.110 Yeah he's got he's got enough going on he doesn't 933 00:44:32.130 --> 00:44:35.929 need that also so they somehow have knowledge of the 934 00:44:35.969 --> 00:44:39.889 time period they're in they're very self-aware yeah um so 935 00:44:39.929 --> 00:44:42.849 that's yeah i mean in terms of that whole that 936 00:44:42.889 --> 00:44:45.510 whole that whole trick that the sort of the inconsistency 937 00:44:45.530 --> 00:44:47.760 that you're describing like yeah i mean the simple answer 938 00:44:47.800 --> 00:44:49.800 is i love it yeah i think it's hilarious when 939 00:44:49.820 --> 00:44:52.610 all of a sudden you learn um like in a 940 00:44:52.630 --> 00:44:55.190 Simpsons episode that I wrote, you find out that Homer 941 00:44:55.230 --> 00:44:58.750 at one point self-published an autobiographical novel about his father, 942 00:44:59.909 --> 00:45:05.469 which is completely ridiculous. So I love that device, but 943 00:45:06.190 --> 00:45:10.139 my rule is always, if it's emotionally honest, you can 944 00:45:10.179 --> 00:45:11.199 be as inconsistent as you want. 945 00:45:11.420 --> 00:45:13.880 It's that old David Letterman line of just accept the 946 00:45:13.920 --> 00:45:17.440 premise and go. And I remember there was a Simpsons episode, again, 947 00:45:17.500 --> 00:45:19.340 I'm quoting stuff that I had nothing to do with, 948 00:45:19.420 --> 00:45:23.769 but Lisa's citing different people who, she's, I don't forget 949 00:45:23.789 --> 00:45:25.929 what it is. I forget exactly what the context is, 950 00:45:25.969 --> 00:45:28.769 but she's saying something and she says why, you know, 951 00:45:28.929 --> 00:45:32.590 even Supreme Court Justice Souter thought so. And Homer just goes, 952 00:45:32.869 --> 00:45:38.500 oh no, not Souter. Like, Homer wouldn't know or care 953 00:45:39.539 --> 00:45:42.519 who Justice Souter is? Right, but it's emotionally- Oh no, 954 00:45:42.760 --> 00:45:43.739 not Souter. 955 00:45:43.920 --> 00:45:46.380 But it's emotionally raw, you know, like. 956 00:45:49.760 --> 00:45:51.400 I swear to God I could do this all day. 957 00:45:52.119 --> 00:45:54.159 And maybe we should just have a podcast where you 958 00:45:54.199 --> 00:45:57.840 and I break down, get really into the weeds on comedy. 959 00:45:57.889 --> 00:46:00.610 But this has been absolutely joyous for me. 960 00:46:01.329 --> 00:46:02.250 Thank you so much for having me. 961 00:46:02.530 --> 00:46:02.849 Oh, yeah. 962 00:46:03.150 --> 00:46:06.110 I mean, I didn't want to, again. I'm just incredibly 963 00:46:06.170 --> 00:46:09.650 embittered by your success and your talent. But no, this 964 00:46:09.670 --> 00:46:12.690 was a delight, absolute delight. And I want to make 965 00:46:12.750 --> 00:46:15.869 sure that I tell people You know, the nice thing 966 00:46:15.889 --> 00:46:18.210 about this podcast is I don't have to plug anything. 967 00:46:18.429 --> 00:46:20.789 That's what I love about it. For years and years 968 00:46:20.829 --> 00:46:22.820 and years, I was saying, well, okay, let's get to 969 00:46:22.840 --> 00:46:26.179 the clip. And what's really nice is I'm mostly talking 970 00:46:26.199 --> 00:46:28.980 to people and I mention what they're up to or 971 00:46:29.019 --> 00:46:33.920 I don't. But New Teeth stories by Simon Rich, we 972 00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:38.030 all need to laugh more. And man, this is a 973 00:46:38.090 --> 00:46:42.550 funny collection of stories and also really sweet. But Hard, 974 00:46:42.590 --> 00:46:44.980 hard laughs. So please keep making this stuff. 975 00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:45.369 Thank you. 976 00:46:45.380 --> 00:46:45.980 It's really good. 977 00:46:46.139 --> 00:46:47.909 Thank you. It really means the world to me. Thank you. 978 00:46:48.269 -->

00:46:52.820 All right. I never want to see you again. Show 979 00:46:52.860 --> 00:46:53.500 yourself out. 980 00:46:54.909 --> 00:46:56.969 Not every day you meet an Irish legend. 981 00:46:57.170 --> 00:46:58.510 I know what you mean, Cú Chulainn. 982 00:46:58.710 --> 00:47:01.809 Leaping vast distances, holding off armies. 983 00:47:01.949 --> 00:47:04.070 Eating tonnes of fresh grass. 984 00:47:04.230 --> 00:47:04.489 What? 985 00:47:04.650 --> 00:47:05.949 Not you or cows. 986 00:47:06.230 --> 00:47:09.090 That's one of the reasons Irish milk is so good. 987 00:47:09.329 --> 00:47:11.429 It's famous all over the world. 988 00:47:11.739 --> 00:47:13.360 Legendary. 989 00:47:13.820 --> 00:47:16.900 Ireland's grass and our farmers' commitment to more sustainable actions 990 00:47:17.179 --> 00:47:19.940 help make Irish dairy a true Irish legend. 991 00:47:20.239 --> 00:47:23.179 Always look for the National Dairy Council guarantee. Learn more 992 00:47:23.199 --> 00:47:23.639 at ndc.ie. 993 00:47:26.570 --> 00:47:29.150 Due to the leaves falling in autumn and the challenges 994 00:47:29.190 --> 00:47:32.429 this brings, Eireann Road Airan wishes to advise customers that 995 00:47:32.469 --> 00:47:35.469 a revised timetable will take effect on Dart and Dublin 996 00:47:35.530 --> 00:47:40.469 commuter routes from Monday, September 21st until December 12th. Morning 997 00:47:40.510 --> 00:47:43.510 and evening peak services will be affected with some earlier 998 00:47:43.530 --> 00:47:46.610 departure times. Please check travel times on the Eireann Road 999 00:47:46.699 --> 00:47:50.760 Airan app or irishrail.ie. Eireann Road Airan is part of 1000 00:47:50.800 --> 00:47:52.219 the Transport for Ireland network. 1001 00:47:57.630 --> 00:48:00.889 That's the thing about doors. Open one and whole new 1002 00:48:00.929 --> 00:48:06.170 worlds suddenly become possible. If you're searching for your new 1003 00:48:06.230 --> 00:48:08.610 home in Leash, the first thing you need to open 1004 00:48:08.670 --> 00:48:13.650 is MyHome, Ireland's trusted property platform. With custom filters, property 1005 00:48:13.710 --> 00:48:17.070 alerts and a hub of advice, available online or in app, 1006 00:48:17.510 --> 00:48:20.610 it's the smart way to buy, sell or rent your home. 1007 00:48:21.110 --> 00:48:24.250 Start searching and find your happy place at myhome.ie. 1008 00:48:30.860 --> 00:48:35.369 Once again, Sona is back with us in studio, joining 1009 00:48:35.429 --> 00:48:38.590 David and I. The team is reunited. We're thrilled to 1010 00:48:38.650 --> 00:48:39.030 have you. 1011 00:48:39.050 --> 00:48:39.130 Yeah. 1012 00:48:39.670 --> 00:48:40.150 How's it going? 1013 00:48:40.469 --> 00:48:42.349 So I wanted to talk about this one thing that 1014 00:48:42.389 --> 00:48:44.329 happened to me, and I want to get your take 1015 00:48:44.389 --> 00:48:46.630 on it, because I know Liza was always very open 1016 00:48:46.789 --> 00:48:51.860 with your kids.

So two of my friends were at 1017 00:48:51.920 --> 00:48:53.980 my house, and they have a seven-year-old daughter. 1018 00:48:54.119 --> 00:48:54.280 Yes. 1019 00:48:55.050 --> 00:48:57.239 And she was like hanging out with me and whatever, 1020 00:48:57.380 --> 00:48:58.980 feeding the kids. And then at one point I went 1021 00:48:59.000 --> 00:49:01.780 to go change one of the diapers for one of 1022 00:49:01.820 --> 00:49:02.300 the boys. 1023 00:49:03.079 --> 00:49:05.099 And I take off. 1024 00:49:05.019 --> 00:49:07.019 His diaper and she goes, why does he have a 1025 00:49:07.139 --> 00:49:11.340 tongue in between his legs? And I go, well, that's 1026 00:49:11.389 --> 00:49:15.630 his penis. She goes, his what? I go, that's his penis. 1027 00:49:15.909 --> 00:49:18.210 You have a vagina and he has a penis. And 1028 00:49:18.230 --> 00:49:19.929 she goes, what do I have? 1029 00:49:20.539 --> 00:49:22.920 Oh no. Oh no. How old was she? 1030 00:49:23.320 --> 00:49:24.079 She was seven. 1031 00:49:24.099 --> 00:49:29.659 She was 27 years old. That's the scary part. And 1032 00:49:29.679 --> 00:49:34.659 she's from Arkansas. This is horrifying. I just don't know. 1033 00:49:34.699 --> 00:49:39.300 She graduated law school. Oh, sorry, she's seven? She's seven. Yeah, 1034 00:49:39.340 --> 00:49:40.519 she should know things at seven. 1035 00:49:40.599 --> 00:49:41.840 That's what I was saying. 1036 00:49:43.300 --> 00:49:47.079 Well, first of all, Liza, my wife, is from the, 1037 00:49:47.489 --> 00:49:51.130 you explain everything and you just are very like, that's 1038 00:49:51.190 --> 00:49:52.789 a fact, that's what you have. You have a penis, 1039 00:49:52.829 --> 00:49:53.690 you have a vagina. 1040 00:49:53.849 --> 00:49:54.590 Yeah. 1041 00:49:55.170 --> 00:49:59.309 I'm uncomfortable even talking about it. Those things weren't mentioned 1042 00:49:59.349 --> 00:50:02.360 in my home and my dad's a doctor. So I 1043 00:50:02.420 --> 00:50:06.539 grew up thinking I have a vagina and was actually 1044 00:50:06.599 --> 00:50:09.179 told by several doctors that it resembled. But anyway, we 1045 00:50:09.320 --> 00:50:09.699 got past that. 1046 00:50:09.739 --> 00:50:11.190 You had several doctors to tell you? 1047 00:50:11.210 --> 00:50:12.929 There was later, there was a surgery and we're fine. 1048 00:50:12.949 --> 00:50:14.070 Oh my God. 1049 00:50:14.670 --> 00:50:16.590 But the point is, and they can do miracles. 1050 00:50:17.030 --> 00:50:17.989 So, you know. 1051 00:50:18.010 --> 00:50:20.130 I don't understand what you do. 1052 00:50:20.309 --> 00:50:23.909 In the medical community, they can, whatever. From scratch, they 1053 00:50:23.929 --> 00:50:25.619 pretty much built me functioning. 1054 00:50:25.840 --> 00:50:29.800 Anyway, my point is that my wife is just very much, 1055 00:50:30.070 --> 00:50:33.849 that's what it is. And so there's no squirming or, 1056 00:50:34.650 --> 00:50:39.500 so my question is, What is this girl's parents saying 1057 00:50:39.559 --> 00:50:39.860 to her? 1058 00:50:39.960 --> 00:50:43.840 So she was very confused. And then, you know, and 1059 00:50:43.880 --> 00:50:47.139 also it's very complicated now because there are men who 1060 00:50:47.179 --> 00:50:50.000 have vaginas and women who have penises. And I didn't 1061 00:50:50.019 --> 00:50:51.519 even want to get into that. So I kept it 1062 00:50:51.659 --> 00:50:53.480 very simple. No, you don't have to get into that. 1063 00:50:53.500 --> 00:50:55.380 You can keep it simple, yeah. And I was, you know, 1064 00:50:55.460 --> 00:50:57.760 and then later on I went downstairs and I had 1065 00:50:57.800 --> 00:51:00.300 to say to her parents, I go, I just told 1066 00:51:00.340 --> 00:51:04.449 your daughter what a penis and a vagina was. And 1067 00:51:04.489 --> 00:51:07.969 they were... Pretty, they were kind of upset at me. 1068 00:51:08.030 --> 00:51:11.730 No, really? But how can they be upset? What are 1069 00:51:11.750 --> 00:51:13.929 you supposed to do if she follows you into the room? 1070 00:51:13.949 --> 00:51:15.869 It's not like you introduce the subject. 1071 00:51:15.989 --> 00:51:18.829 No, no, and oh my God, I forgot at one point. 1072 00:51:19.070 --> 00:51:21.489 And it's not like you gave her a book, like, 1073 00:51:21.550 --> 00:51:25.070 and here's the big book of dicks, you know? It's 1074 00:51:25.110 --> 00:51:26.110 a Dr. Seuss book. 1075 00:51:27.150 --> 00:51:27.429 Mr. 1076 00:51:27.489 --> 00:51:30.960 Wix's has dicks's, you know, you didn't do that. You 1077 00:51:31.019 --> 00:51:35.280 were confronted while you were changing your boy's diaper with 1078 00:51:35.300 --> 00:51:35.760 a question. 1079 00:51:35.909 --> 00:51:36.170 Yeah. 1080 00:51:36.269 --> 00:51:39.489 And so, oh, I forgot this part. So I was like, 1081 00:51:39.750 --> 00:51:42.170 you have a vagina. And then she goes, and then 1082 00:51:42.210 --> 00:51:44.090 she was like confused. And then I go, you know, 1083 00:51:44.110 --> 00:51:46.760 I was like, did you not know this? I was like, 1084 00:51:46.989 --> 00:51:48.539 he has a penis. You have a vagina. And then 1085 00:51:48.599 --> 00:51:50.280 she looked at me and she goes, I don't think 1086 00:51:50.300 --> 00:51:51.719 you're supposed to be talking to me about this. 1087 00:51:51.760 --> 00:51:51.980 Oh, no. 1088 00:51:56.119 --> 00:52:00.150 And I got really uncomfortable. And then I just finished 1089 00:52:00.210 --> 00:52:04.250 changing their diaper, one of their diapers in complete silence. 1090 00:52:04.369 --> 00:52:08.260 And this was so awful. So, and you say the 1091 00:52:08.300 --> 00:52:09.980 parents were not happy with you. 1092 00:52:10.159 --> 00:52:10.539 Yeah. 1093 00:52:11.019 --> 00:52:12.980 What would they have had you do in that situation? 1094 00:52:13.139 --> 00:52:14.860 I don't, I feel like they would have been like, 1095 00:52:15.079 --> 00:52:16.880 they would have probably been better with me

being like. 1096 00:52:17.079 --> 00:52:20.510 Ask your parents. Yes, I see, I see. 1097 00:52:20.610 --> 00:52:22.050 And I, you know, I just. 1098 00:52:22.070 --> 00:52:23.210 That's not your jam, you don't. 1099 00:52:23.230 --> 00:52:26.429 Well, a similar thing happened with my niece. My husband's 1100 00:52:26.489 --> 00:52:30.260 parents are divorced and they're both remarried. And so Ava 1101 00:52:30.300 --> 00:52:32.860 was asking me, she goes, why does Tack have four parents? 1102 00:52:32.940 --> 00:52:35.340 I go, well, because his parents are divorced. And then 1103 00:52:35.380 --> 00:52:37.420 she goes, well, what's divorce? And I said, well, it's 1104 00:52:37.460 --> 00:52:39.610 when two people who are married don't want to be 1105 00:52:39.650 --> 00:52:42.210 married anymore. And then she goes, well, why wouldn't they 1106 00:52:42.250 --> 00:52:44.269 want to be married anymore? And then we got deep. 1107 00:52:44.489 --> 00:52:48.329 And then I was like, you know, love changes, things happen. Yeah, 1108 00:52:48.389 --> 00:52:50.650 love's pretty much a myth. 1109 00:52:52.650 --> 00:52:57.320 Over time, as people age and they see the encroaching 1110 00:52:57.909 --> 00:53:00.610 shadow of death, They realize we're here, but for a 1111 00:53:00.650 --> 00:53:01.269 short time. 1112 00:53:01.289 --> 00:53:01.369 Okay. 1113 00:53:01.389 --> 00:53:03.650 And we should probably taste other fruits. 1114 00:53:04.130 --> 00:53:05.070 Oh, no. Wait. 1115 00:53:05.530 --> 00:53:08.320 Don't say taste other fruits. Well, aren't I just saying what, 1116 00:53:08.860 --> 00:53:09.820 maybe I went too far. 1117 00:53:09.840 --> 00:53:09.920 Yeah. 1118 00:53:09.940 --> 00:53:10.719 Honey, I love you. 1119 00:53:11.139 --> 00:53:17.130 But anyway. Baby, you're the best. But no, how deep 1120 00:53:17.170 --> 00:53:17.789 did you get with? 1121 00:53:17.809 --> 00:53:20.449 Well, we got deep and then Danny and Lucy said 1122 00:53:20.469 --> 00:53:22.670 that every time they would have like even a slight 1123 00:53:22.710 --> 00:53:24.929 disagreement after that, Ava would ask them if they were 1124 00:53:24.949 --> 00:53:27.489 gonna get a divorce. Like she was kind of traumatized 1125 00:53:27.570 --> 00:53:27.909 by it. 1126 00:53:28.670 --> 00:53:31.010 All you have to say to Ava just before she's 1127 00:53:31.030 --> 00:53:34.710 going to sleep is don't worry. Statistically, it only happens 1128 00:53:34.710 --> 00:53:38.590 50% of the time. And then turn the lights out 1129 00:53:38.630 --> 00:53:41.909 and shut the door. And then start loudly arguing with 1130 00:53:41.929 --> 00:53:46.940 your spouse. You don't make enough! Doing the best he can. 1131 00:53:47.420 --> 00:53:50.179 You're not a real man. How am I supposed to 1132 00:53:50.239 --> 00:53:54.449 live off this? Ava just sitting there listening in the dark. 1133 00:53:55.150 --> 00:53:56.750 Single tear. Single tear. 1134 00:53:59.030 --> 00:53:59.369 Wow. 1135 00:53:59.469 --> 00:54:01.210 Well, I don't know, Sona. I don't think you did 1136 00:54:01.230 --> 00:54:01.929 the wrong thing. 1137 00:54:02.190 --> 00:54:02.949 I hope not. 1138 00:54:03.010 --> 00:54:05.159 I got really uncomfortable by it. 1139 00:54:05.340 --> 00:54:07.280 Yeah, has it ruined your relationship with these people? 1140 00:54:07.380 --> 00:54:08.420 No, no, we're fine. 1141 00:54:08.800 --> 00:54:09.280 We're fine. 1142 00:54:09.300 --> 00:54:11.300 You know, you should tell them they should be happy 1143 00:54:11.360 --> 00:54:13.559 because if I had been in the room with you, 1144 00:54:14.269 --> 00:54:16.409 And the little girl had said, what is that thing 1145 00:54:16.449 --> 00:54:20.469 between his legs? I would have said, it's a cockaroo! 1146 00:54:21.530 --> 00:54:27.179 It's a cockaroo! And I would have followed her down 1147 00:54:27.219 --> 00:54:29.360 the stairs going, a cockaroo! 1148 00:54:29.559 --> 00:54:33.239 Oh, come on. I'm guessing Liza's the one who had 1149 00:54:33.260 --> 00:54:34.900 to have all these talks with your children. 1150 00:54:35.059 --> 00:54:37.400 Yes, what would happen is a question like this would 1151 00:54:37.440 --> 00:54:40.960 come up, and Liza would look at me, I'd look 1152 00:54:40.980 --> 00:54:44.239 at Liza, and Liza, We usually keep the windows in 1153 00:54:44.260 --> 00:54:46.280 our house open so I can just roll right out. 1154 00:54:47.389 --> 00:54:50.610 And I would roll out onto a hedge below. And 1155 00:54:50.630 --> 00:54:53.090 then I'd just run all the way until I hit 1156 00:54:53.130 --> 00:54:56.269 the 405 freeway and then I'd go north. And I'd 1157 00:54:56.289 --> 00:54:59.949 look for water up in the hills to try and 1158 00:54:59.989 --> 00:55:01.369 live off of for a while. And then I'd come 1159 00:55:01.409 --> 00:55:04.269 back when the coast was clear. But no, I think 1160 00:55:04.429 --> 00:55:07.809 you answered that, you know, the right way. I mean, yes, 1161 00:55:08.070 --> 00:55:10.190 maybe you could have said, you gotta ask your mom, 1162 00:55:10.880 --> 00:55:12.840 but that's weird too. That is weird. 1163 00:55:12.860 --> 00:55:14.579 Because it's like- Then you're making it weird. 1164 00:55:14.699 --> 00:55:15.000 Mm-hmm. 1165 00:55:15.579 --> 00:55:15.900 Right? 1166 00:55:16.099 --> 00:55:16.340 Yes. 1167 00:55:16.420 --> 00:55:20.000 Then she can become like you. And you don't want that. 1168 00:55:20.880 --> 00:55:25.400 Well, I mean, clearly whatever happened to me yielded an 1169 00:55:25.440 --> 00:55:28.469 incredible gift to the world, really, if you think about it. 1170 00:55:29.619 --> 00:55:34.039 I hear crickets. We should put crickets in here. Creep, creep, creep, creep. 1171 00:55:34.159 --> 00:55:34.639 I know. 1172 00:55:35.179 --> 00:55:39.909 A genius, a solitary lone voice that could unite a 1173 00:55:40.309 --> 00:55:40.929 torn world. 1174 00:55:41.880 --> 00:55:44.719 More crickets, please. This is good.

1175 00:55:45.949 --> 00:55:47.110 A real genius. 1176 00:55:48.710 --> 00:55:50.050 The Michelangelo of comedy. 1177 00:55:50.869 --> 00:55:51.590 More crickets, please. 1178 00:55:56.719 --> 00:56:00.650 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, 1179 00:56:00.909 --> 00:56:04.469 and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced 1180 00:56:04.510 --> 00:56:08.170 by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, 1181 00:56:08.369 --> 00:56:11.550 and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song 1182 00:56:11.570 --> 00:56:14.730 by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. 1183 00:56:15.070 --> 00:56:15.809 Take it away, Jimmy. 1184 00:56:19.170 --> 00:56:22.170 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent 1185 00:56:22.210 --> 00:56:26.280 producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Becton. Talent booking 1186 00:56:26.320 --> 00:56:29.920 by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can 1187 00:56:29.980 --> 00:56:32.340 rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you 1188 00:56:32.380 --> 00:56:35.239 might find your review read on a future episode. Got 1189 00:56:35.260 --> 00:56:37.889 a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 1190 00:56:37.909 --> 00:56:42.650 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured 1191 00:56:42.690 --> 00:56:45.250 on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please 1192 00:56:45.269 --> 00:56:49.030 subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, 1193 00:56:49.329 --> 00:56:51.590 or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. 1194 00:56:56.260 --> 00:56:59.159 This episode was produced and edited by me, Brett Morris. 1195 00:57:08.550 --> 00:57:13.500 This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf. 1196 00:57:21.090 --> 00:57:23.650 Due to the leaves falling in autumn and the challenges 1197 00:57:23.710 --> 00:57:26.949 this brings, Eireann Road Airan wishes to advise customers that 1198 00:57:26.989 --> 00:57:29.989 a revised timetable will take effect on Dart and Dublin 1199 00:57:30.050 --> 00:57:35.000 commuter routes from Monday, September 21st until December 12th. Morning 1200 00:57:35.039 --> 00:57:38.039 and evening peak services will be affected with some earlier 1201 00:57:38.059 --> 00:57:41.099 departure times. Please check travel times on the Eireann Road 1202 00:57:41.219 --> 00:57:45.280 Airan app or irishrail.ie. Eireann Road Airan is part of 1203 00:57:45.320 --> 00:57:46.719 the Transport for Ireland network. 1204 00:57:52.150 --> 00:57:55.409 That's the thing about doors. Open one and whole new 1205 00:57:55.449 --> 00:58:00.710 worlds suddenly become possible. If you're searching for your new 1206 00:58:00.750 --> 00:58:03.130 home in Leash, the first thing you need to open 1207 00:58:03.190 --> 00:58:08.179 is MyHome, Ireland's trusted property platform. With custom filters, property 1208 00:58:08.239 --> 00:58:11.599 alerts and a hub of advice, available online or in app, 1209 00:58:12.039 --> 00:58:15.139 it's the smart way to buy, sell or rent your home. 1210 00:58:15.639 --> 00:58:18.780 Start searching and find your happy place at myhome.ie.