บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Pete Holmes

how my time's limited. You say that often. 39 00:02:10.490 --> 00:02:12.530 I like to dangle that because I think that will 40 00:02:12.569 --> 00:02:14.340 inspire you to greater heights. 41 00:02:14.699 --> 00:02:15.659 Do you think it's working? 42 00:02:16.060 --> 00:02:16.639 No, it is not. 43 00:02:16.680 --> 00:02:17.979 No, I don't think so either. 44 00:02:18.460 --> 00:02:20.939 I also want to give a shout out to my producer, 45 00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:23.340 Matt Gourley. Matt, how are you? I'm good. 46 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:25.060 And I think because you don't threaten my job, it 47 00:02:25.099 --> 00:02:27.099 makes me actually worried that maybe it is a short 48 00:02:27.150 --> 00:02:27.710 tenure here. 49 00:02:27.939 --> 00:02:28.210 Yeah. 50 00:02:28.370 --> 00:02:30.909 Your replacement is standing behind you. Oh. His name is Phillip. 51 00:02:31.270 --> 00:02:32.949 Hi, Phil. 52 00:02:33.310 --> 00:02:35.169 I call you Gourley a lot. I don't know why. 53 00:02:35.210 --> 00:02:36.030 You might not like that. 54 00:02:36.219 --> 00:02:37.199 Oh, I like it just fine. 55 00:02:37.259 --> 00:02:38.879 Is it okay? I mean, I call you Matt. I 56 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:40.580 have so many Matts in my life, but I only 57 00:02:40.599 --> 00:02:41.360 have one Gourley. 58 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:44.490 Yeah, I'm your one Gourley. I don't like Matt anyway. 59 00:02:44.789 --> 00:02:46.590 All right, Gourley. Thanks for being here. You do a 60 00:02:46.629 --> 00:02:48.930 great job. Well, that's nice. I'm not sure that's true, but. 61 00:02:49.469 --> 00:02:49.969 No, it's true. 62 00:02:50.189 --> 00:02:50.449 Okay. 63 00:02:50.629 --> 00:02:53.210 I do think this podcast is doing very well. You're 64 00:02:53.250 --> 00:02:56.330 probably a big part of that. No, this is all 65 00:02:56.370 --> 00:02:57.449 you guys. Yeah. 66 00:02:57.689 --> 00:03:00.030 I'm just putting it through filters and shit. Okay. 67 00:03:00.090 --> 00:03:03.689 I don't think that's true. Gourley is the magic spice. 68 00:03:03.729 --> 00:03:06.469 He's the secret. He's the Colonel's secret recipe. 69 00:03:06.750 --> 00:03:07.990 We're all holding hands right now. 70 00:03:08.469 --> 00:03:12.009 No, no, we're not. That would violate company policy. 71 00:03:12.030 --> 00:03:14.770 I'm holding somebody's hand right now. 72 00:03:14.789 --> 00:03:16.110 You're just holding a severed hand. 73 00:03:16.169 --> 00:03:16.889 Oh, my God. 74 00:03:21.069 --> 00:03:24.900 Today I'm talking to someone I have a lot of 75 00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:31.400 admiration for. Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes. what I'm liking about 76 00:03:31.419 --> 00:03:33.060 this so far, and you've been doing this a long time, 77 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:37.189 is that it's completely the way you and I would talk. Yes. 78 00:03:38.389 --> 00:03:39.729 Without any interference. 79 00:03:40.310 --> 00:03:40.569 Right. 80 00:03:40.629 --> 00:03:44.050 Without, and the show, do you feel like when you 81

00:03:44.069 --> 00:03:47.520 do the show that there's levels of interference or do 82 00:03:47.539 --> 00:03:48.680 you think that's getting close? 83 00:03:48.699 --> 00:03:49.240 The Conan show? 84 00:03:49.379 --> 00:03:51.659 Yeah, because you're quite relaxed on the show. 85 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:54.319 Well, I really appreciate, it's one of the great thrills 86 00:03:54.340 --> 00:03:56.180 of my life that I've done your show enough times 87 00:03:56.199 --> 00:03:56.860 to be relaxed. 88 00:03:56.979 --> 00:03:59.900 Certainly the first time I was, you know, Jimmy and 89 00:03:59.939 --> 00:04:00.740 my Bridges. 90 00:04:00.759 --> 00:04:01.599 Yeah. 91 00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:04.210 Trying to get some new frigs. A new phrase is going. 92 00:04:04.659 --> 00:04:06.789 Jimmy and my Bridges. Jimmy and my Bridges. Well, there 93 00:04:06.810 --> 00:04:08.750 was a kid in my neighborhood, Jimmy. Well, how do 94 00:04:08.789 --> 00:04:10.629 we know that? This is the type of. 95 00:04:10.650 --> 00:04:11.849 Narcissism I exhibit. 96 00:04:11.889 --> 00:04:14.960 I make jokes that I know you don't know. How 97 00:04:14.969 --> 00:04:16.639 could you do that? You just said, I'm Jimmy and 98 00:04:16.680 --> 00:04:19.240 my Bridges. And I was like, well, I feel stupid. 99 00:04:19.420 --> 00:04:22.800 Because that's clearly a classical reference to a Shakespearean drama. 100 00:04:23.300 --> 00:04:25.879 And then it turns out, no, Jimmy from my neighborhood. 101 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:28.069 How could you not know that? It's all baloney. 102 00:04:28.329 --> 00:04:31.230 It was just fun words. My mom will do that though. 103 00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:32.300 A waiter will come. 104 00:04:32.420 --> 00:04:34.350 Like you and I will be talking about the bread. 105 00:04:34.699 --> 00:04:37.129 And we'll be like, yeah, this bread's pretty old. And 106 00:04:37.149 --> 00:04:39.110 then the waiter will come who wasn't privy to that. 107 00:04:39.470 --> 00:04:41.649 And she'll be like, let's say we said the bread 108 00:04:41.670 --> 00:04:43.829 was dry. And then she's like, the waiter will say 109 00:04:43.850 --> 00:04:45.410 to my mom, you want some water? And she'll be like, 110 00:04:45.589 --> 00:04:46.410 what am I, the bread? 111 00:04:46.430 --> 00:04:47.449 To him. 112 00:04:47.550 --> 00:04:50.269 You know what I mean? Like, I'm always like, mom, 113 00:04:50.310 --> 00:04:53.889 he doesn't have the info. You're just a crazy person. Like, 114 00:04:53.910 --> 00:04:57.980 what am I, bread? What am I, oatmeal raisin bread? Yeah. 115 00:04:58.310 --> 00:04:58.750 And then? 116 00:04:59.250 --> 00:05:03.279 He calls an EMT and says, woman's having a stroke. 117 00:05:04.689 --> 00:05:06.990 A stroke does... No, let's not do stroke bits. Too 118 00:05:07.009 --> 00:05:07.990 many people having strokes. 119 00:05:08.410 --> 00:05:08.649 Really? 120 00:05:09.089 --> 00:05:09.329 Right? 121 00:05:09.750 --> 00:05:11.189 I don't know. I'm going to keep doing them until 122 00:05:11.250 --> 00:05:11.680 I have one. 123 00:05:11.980 --> 00:05:13.600 No, it is a funny go-to, but I was going 124 00:05:13.620 --> 00:05:15.519 to say that a stroke kind of sounds... Like, it's 125 00:05:15.560 --> 00:05:16.699 a stroke. You stroke a cat. 126 00:05:16.819 --> 00:05:17.439 It's kind of nice. 127 00:05:17.660 --> 00:05:17.899 Yeah. 128 00:05:18.040 --> 00:05:20.839 Nobody's like, hey, quit stroking my cat. You stroke a cat, 129 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:22.779 or you stroke your gentleman lover. 130 00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:24.040 Okay, let me tell you something. 131 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:24.800 Give him a stroke. 132 00:05:24.860 --> 00:05:27.560 If you're working on a new hunk, and I sense 133 00:05:27.579 --> 00:05:29.740 that's what you're doing... If you're going to do this 134 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:32.579 stroke bit. No! You stroke a cat. What are you, 135 00:05:32.620 --> 00:05:35.250 stroke a? You stroke! A stroke, it sounds like such 136 00:05:35.290 --> 00:05:36.509 a nice thing, a stroke. 137 00:05:36.529 --> 00:05:38.769 Oh my God, it is a Seinfeld bit. You stroke 138 00:05:38.810 --> 00:05:39.209 a cat? 139 00:05:39.470 --> 00:05:41.050 Hey, I had a question. You stroke your boyfriend? This 140 00:05:41.110 --> 00:05:42.629 is a bit I've wanted to do for a while. 141 00:05:42.689 --> 00:05:43.689 You have a great idea. 142 00:05:43.709 --> 00:05:44.649 It's a stroke-a-genius. 143 00:05:44.910 --> 00:05:46.009 Yeah. 144 00:05:46.230 --> 00:05:49.209 I forced it. Yeah, no, but here's the thing. Here's 145 00:05:49.250 --> 00:05:51.029 a bit that I want to work on, which is 146 00:05:51.129 --> 00:05:53.629 how are we going to know when Jerry Seinfeld has Alzheimer's? 147 00:05:54.009 --> 00:05:54.230 Hilarious. 148 00:05:54.310 --> 00:05:55.769 Because he's going to come out on stage and go, 149 00:05:56.199 --> 00:05:58.060 I just want to know who are these people? 150 00:05:58.120 --> 00:05:58.519 Matt. 151 00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:03.149 What is the deal with pizza? And people are going 152 00:06:03.170 --> 00:06:05.629 to first think that Jerry's working on, they're going to 153 00:06:05.670 --> 00:06:07.629 think he's working on new material. For at least 10 years. 154 00:06:07.649 --> 00:06:10.850 But then he's going to go, no, seriously, who are 155 00:06:10.930 --> 00:06:15.129 these people? Jerry, these are your loved ones. No, I'm scared. 156 00:06:15.589 --> 00:06:18.850 I'm lost in the corridors of my own mind. Who 157 00:06:19.290 --> 00:06:24.310 are these people? Jerry, Jerry, calm down. I'm terrified of 158 00:06:24.449 --> 00:06:31.350 everything around me. What is this thing? That's a window, Jerry. 159 00:06:32.620 --> 00:06:34.300 What is a window? 160 00:06:34.540 --> 00:06:38.160 And then it ends with, you look out, you see, 161 00:06:38.180 --> 00:06:39.180 it's a window. 162 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.680 And then he goes, that was a bit. That one 163 00:06:41.720 -->

00:06:42.959 was a bit. You know what I mean? He does 164 00:06:42.980 --> 00:06:43.560 work one bit in there. 165 00:06:43.579 --> 00:06:46.540 That's how you close it. I call those playground bits 166 00:06:46.579 --> 00:06:48.889 where they're like, you have the premise. You can do 167 00:06:48.930 --> 00:06:51.029 it forever. But then, no, you have to have that 168 00:06:51.089 --> 00:06:53.689 chord that you pull. and then yeah I'm not telling 169 00:06:53.709 --> 00:06:55.209 you what to do I'm just saying it's nice to 170 00:06:55.230 --> 00:06:57.750 have that period what am I telling you what to do. 171 00:06:57.709 --> 00:06:59.709 No no I just did this 18 city tour and 172 00:06:59.750 --> 00:07:01.329 I have this hunk that I do up front and 173 00:07:01.370 --> 00:07:03.540 then I thought of that on the road and I 174 00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:05.439 was working it out in front of the comedians and 175 00:07:05.459 --> 00:07:07.279 they're like that's really funny but I never did it 176 00:07:07.339 --> 00:07:09.519 on stage because I thought I don't know yet but 177 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:10.120 I've but it. 178 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:12.060 Might be because you don't you didn't know where the 179 00:07:12.220 --> 00:07:15.879 court is yeah the end I wonder if real like 180 00:07:15.899 --> 00:07:18.730 vaudevillian showbiz is going to come back because we're all 181 00:07:18.829 --> 00:07:22.420 loose we're the podcast generation of comedy Where it's like, 182 00:07:22.519 --> 00:07:24.839 even your talk show, you can be transparent. 183 00:07:25.139 --> 00:07:28.040 People are like, yeah, we're seeing behind the curtain. 184 00:07:28.339 --> 00:07:30.060 I wonder if the curtain's going to make a comeback. 185 00:07:30.620 --> 00:07:32.660 If our kids' kids are going to be like, he 186 00:07:32.699 --> 00:07:36.350 came out, he's like John Mulaney. John Mulaney just does stand-up. 187 00:07:36.449 --> 00:07:38.949 John's not like, and that's how that one ends. He 188 00:07:38.970 --> 00:07:42.370 doesn't do that. He is a throwback. He's a throwback. 189 00:07:42.449 --> 00:07:46.569 And that's a high compliment. He's a very disciplined guy. 190 00:07:47.129 --> 00:07:51.250 Storyteller and joke teller, and he crafts his act in 191 00:07:51.269 --> 00:07:54.240 this way that's a little out of time for today because, 192 00:07:55.019 --> 00:07:57.779 and again, there are people that abuse the privilege. There 193 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:00.000 are comics that have their shit together, and then there 194 00:08:00.019 --> 00:08:03.220 are ones that are very brilliant, but they kind of 195 00:08:03.360 --> 00:08:06.899 wallow in, I don't really know where this is going, 196 00:08:07.620 --> 00:08:11.100 and I, what am I really doing up here? And 197 00:08:11.220 --> 00:08:14.670 they comment on everything, and sometimes it goes too far. 198 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:15.319 Of course. 199 00:08:16.350 --> 00:08:19.209 I think what we're talking

about is podcast stand-up. It's 200 00:08:19.230 --> 00:08:21.990 like now that they know that we talk about bits 201 00:08:22.029 --> 00:08:25.000 in these ways, I can't speak for everybody, but some 202 00:08:25.060 --> 00:08:25.639 audiences like it. 203 00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:28.980 Like you go see Marc Maron, who's, you know, the penultimate. 204 00:08:29.060 --> 00:08:29.579 What does that mean? 205 00:08:30.500 --> 00:08:33.919 Penultimate is second to last. Well, I think he is. Well, 206 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:34.539 now he is. 207 00:08:34.580 --> 00:08:36.659 The next one, it's over. 208 00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:37.080 Yeah. 209 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:40.309 I meant the consummate. podcast stand-up. 210 00:08:40.529 --> 00:08:42.149 No, he's the penumbra. I know what you're saying. 211 00:08:42.169 --> 00:08:44.690 He's the penumbra. He's Jimmy in his trousers. 212 00:08:44.970 --> 00:08:47.740 Yeah. No, he's the pneumatic. I know what you're saying. 213 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:51.679 He's the Parasapopulus. I'm just going to say a lot. 214 00:08:51.700 --> 00:08:56.210 You're not Jimmy Parasapopulus! Oh, God, help us. This is 215 00:08:56.950 --> 00:08:57.509 a disaster. 216 00:08:58.429 --> 00:09:01.570 What I'm saying is when you watch him, 80% of 217 00:09:01.610 --> 00:09:03.590 it is just like, I don't know. 218 00:09:03.690 --> 00:09:06.240 And we love it. That's what makes it fun is 219 00:09:06.250 --> 00:09:08.299 that he's not doing, because he's not supposed to be 220 00:09:08.340 --> 00:09:10.340 doing what Mulaney's doing. Mulaney's doing what he's supposed to 221 00:09:10.379 --> 00:09:11.940 be doing. Marin's doing what he's supposed to be doing. 222 00:09:12.259 --> 00:09:14.320 I do wonder if your kid's kids will be like, 223 00:09:14.940 --> 00:09:16.659 he came out from the curtain and he said, good evening, 224 00:09:16.700 --> 00:09:17.299 ladies and gentlemen. 225 00:09:17.419 --> 00:09:18.039 You know what I mean? 226 00:09:18.059 --> 00:09:21.830 And we're sitting at lit up cocktail tables and we 227 00:09:21.870 --> 00:09:22.330 just want to show. 228 00:09:22.350 --> 00:09:23.070 Maybe that would be nice. 229 00:09:23.879 --> 00:09:24.629 Sometimes it is nice. 230 00:09:24.649 --> 00:09:28.669 I'm going to add some professionalism to this. We do 231 00:09:28.710 --> 00:09:31.710 have something in common. We're both from the Boston area. 232 00:09:32.029 --> 00:09:32.240 Yes. 233 00:09:32.269 --> 00:09:33.379 We're both tall. 234 00:09:33.659 --> 00:09:34.039 Yes. 235 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:41.769 We are both bedeviled by our fathers. Come on, I've 236 00:09:41.789 --> 00:09:45.100 met your dad. Your dad's quite the character. That's my dad. 237 00:09:45.139 --> 00:09:46.500 I know. What? 238 00:09:46.519 --> 00:09:48.100 Ten minutes later. 239 00:09:48.620 --> 00:09:48.740 What? 240 00:09:50.210 --> 00:09:52.269 I'm going to go to Lindahl's Bakery and get me 241 00:09:52.309 --> 00:09:53.610 some Windsor cookies.

242 00:09:54.450 --> 00:09:55.929 What? Ten minutes later. 243 00:09:55.960 --> 00:09:58.059 I've never had a Windsor cookie. 244 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:01.759 I only eat, what is it, cool? 245 00:10:02.039 --> 00:10:02.440 Kale? 246 00:10:02.600 --> 00:10:07.440 Cool ranch Cheerios. Well, this is the thing about your dad. 247 00:10:07.460 --> 00:10:09.600 I used to do an impression of him, and I 248 00:10:09.659 --> 00:10:13.129 thought it was a cruel... exaggerated impression and then I 249 00:10:13.190 --> 00:10:16.350 met him and it's really not that is an accurate 250 00:10:16.870 --> 00:10:19.230 were you a bystander and you were describing him to 251 00:10:19.289 --> 00:10:22.269 police and you weren't related to him that would be 252 00:10:22.289 --> 00:10:23.370 an accurate. 253 00:10:23.049 --> 00:10:26.639 Description a sloppy Peter Griffin type when you when I 254 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:28.220 had the talk show that you did my dad was 255 00:10:28.360 --> 00:10:30.360 that you gave me my dad was in the audience 256 00:10:30.460 --> 00:10:32.779 and I was interviewing Rob Corddry my dad by the 257 00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:36.259 way wore a Red Sox jersey yep Tevas and he 258 00:10:36.299 --> 00:10:36.860 has like. 259 00:10:37.059 --> 00:10:39.159 I love my dad but he's got some fucked up 260 00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:44.629 feet His feet look like who, like when Luke Skywalker 261 00:10:44.669 --> 00:10:46.389 was in that pit that Jabba the Hutt put him 262 00:10:46.429 --> 00:10:48.730 in and the monster came out, they look like a Rancor. 263 00:10:49.110 --> 00:10:49.669 Rancor? 264 00:10:49.769 --> 00:10:50.889 Why would you even know? 265 00:10:50.990 --> 00:10:51.389 Rancor. 266 00:10:52.009 --> 00:10:55.190 Oh, good. Nerd in the corner. He's got Rancor feet. 267 00:10:55.549 --> 00:10:57.690 And he's like, I'm going to put these in Tevas 268 00:10:58.029 --> 00:10:59.990 so whatever's growing on them can get some air. 269 00:11:00.750 --> 00:11:02.049 And, you know, grow better. 270 00:11:02.490 --> 00:11:07.600 So he's got these nasty, mangled, kind of white, old man, Bostonian. 271 00:11:06.539 --> 00:11:08.320 Teva Rancor feet. At least tell me that he was 272 00:11:08.440 --> 00:11:10.639 in a war. He was never in a war. 273 00:11:11.419 --> 00:11:11.539 Oh. 274 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:12.480 Never in a war. 275 00:11:12.500 --> 00:11:15.539 Because being in a war is the good out for everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 276 00:11:15.720 --> 00:11:17.500 I was in the war. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then 277 00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:20.159 you're out. Yeah. But no, his feet never saw action. 278 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:20.559 Nope. 279 00:11:20.919 --> 00:11:23.759 So why are they, did they get dropped into machinery 280 00:11:23.799 --> 00:11:24.519 at some point? 281 00:11:24.539 --> 00:11:27.330 No, they're just, they grew weird. He has what's called 282 00:11:27.370 --> 00:11:28.269 a hammer toe. 283 00:11:28.509 --> 00:11:28.629 Oh. 284 00:11:28.690 --> 00:11:29.470 Not MC. 285 00:11:29.490 --> 00:11:29.549 Oh. 286 00:11:30.340 --> 00:11:31.120 Not MC. 287 00:11:31.179 --> 00:11:32.299 No one thought of MC. 288 00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:34.460 Everyone thought of MC. 289 00:11:34.500 --> 00:11:37.779 Not a person in this room. So your dad is- Oh, 290 00:11:37.940 --> 00:11:39.759 he's in the audience. I'm sorry. Yeah, he's in the audience. 291 00:11:40.159 --> 00:11:42.950 And I'm interviewing Rob Corgi. He's also wearing cargo shorts. 292 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:45.779 So he's kind of thin chicken legs. He's got like 293 00:11:45.799 --> 00:11:47.129 Shrek body, Big Dad body. 294 00:11:47.330 --> 00:11:47.570 Sure. 295 00:11:47.590 --> 00:11:48.070 Chicken legs. 296 00:11:48.149 --> 00:11:51.470 Yep. And rancor feet. You basically, you know that game 297 00:11:52.090 --> 00:11:54.379 where you fold a piece of paper three times? 298 00:11:54.409 --> 00:11:54.679 Yes. 299 00:11:54.840 --> 00:11:57.259 And you draw the feet and then you hold it 300 00:11:57.299 --> 00:11:59.659 and then someone else not seeing the feet draws legs 301 00:11:59.779 --> 00:12:01.950 and then you pass it and then someone else draws the... 302 00:12:02.350 --> 00:12:05.029 The mid body and then the final person draws the 303 00:12:05.049 --> 00:12:06.950 head and then you unfold it and you all made 304 00:12:06.990 --> 00:12:09.250 a body together. You're saying that your dad is the 305 00:12:09.330 --> 00:12:13.070 product of that game. Exactly. Somebody got stoned and drew 306 00:12:13.090 --> 00:12:15.269 my dad with five friends. Right. 307 00:12:15.549 --> 00:12:17.190 And so I'm interviewing Rob Corddry. 308 00:12:17.210 --> 00:12:18.740 My mom and my brother both dressed up. 309 00:12:19.379 --> 00:12:21.720 My dad's dressed like he's just leaving, not even a 310 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:23.480 baseball game, like a batting cage. 311 00:12:24.179 --> 00:12:27.539 Like he was hitting some balls. And I'm interviewing Rob Corddry, 312 00:12:27.590 --> 00:12:28.330 and I hear him. 313 00:12:28.370 --> 00:12:32.370 It made the show. He goes, who is this guy? What? 314 00:12:32.610 --> 00:12:35.750 Well, I'm interviewing, not that Rob's not T. Cruz, but 315 00:12:35.769 --> 00:12:37.970 I'm interviewing Rob Corddry. I'm telling the people. 316 00:12:37.730 --> 00:12:38.039 Who he is. 317 00:12:38.070 --> 00:12:38.690 Terry Cruz? 318 00:12:39.429 --> 00:12:40.009 Terry Cruz. 319 00:12:40.529 --> 00:12:41.330 Or Tom Cruz. 320 00:12:41.370 --> 00:12:41.990 Tommy Cruz. 321 00:12:42.090 --> 00:12:47.409 Okay, God, you abbreviate everything. So he was humiliating Rob Corddry. 322 00:12:47.509 --> 00:12:51.080 Yeah, and Rob Corddry- ran with it to hilarious effect. 323 00:12:51.580 --> 00:12:54.740 These clips are available on YouTube. I'm here to plug 324 00:12:55.159 --> 00:12:57.120 clips of our old talk show. 325 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:00.019 You know what? They'll live on forever. That's the beautiful thing.

326 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:02.830 Isn't that fun? Well, what happens too is you've gone on, 327 00:13:03.450 --> 00:13:05.669 you've had this other success. People know you. 328 00:13:05.710 --> 00:13:06.519 Yeah, a little bit. 329 00:13:06.529 --> 00:13:09.529 You're a well-established guy. So then they say, I like 330 00:13:09.570 --> 00:13:12.509 this Pete Holmes thing. And then they start looking and 331 00:13:12.529 --> 00:13:15.970 then people start posting your talk show, which was very funny. 332 00:13:16.250 --> 00:13:17.649 And so the work lives on. 333 00:13:17.669 --> 00:13:19.460 Well, TBS was very cool about it. They gave us 334 00:13:19.500 --> 00:13:21.330 a hard drive with all of it. They were very 335 00:13:21.370 --> 00:13:23.710 cool about it. And then Jeff Ross, your Jeff Ross. 336 00:13:23.850 --> 00:13:26.710 Yeah, pretty sweet. What's that fucking hat? You look like 337 00:13:26.750 --> 00:13:30.370 you're going to go mop up a bowling alley in 338 00:13:30.389 --> 00:13:34.289 the 1930s with Oprah Winfrey licking the rim of your butthole. 339 00:13:34.590 --> 00:13:37.379 Why you got that belt? You look like Santa Claus 340 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:40.360 at the shopping mall. You're going to hang a six-shooter 341 00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:45.360 from there, Wyatt? More like Wyatt Burp. Look at this guy. Jesus. 342 00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:49.320 Comedian Jeffrey Ross never has to do a set again, 343 00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:52.580 because he can just play that with a tape recorder 344 00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:56.399 and hold it near his mouth. That was amazing. Do 345 00:13:56.440 --> 00:14:01.759 you think about comedian Jeffrey Ross a lot? No, not often. Okay, wow. 346 00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:02.879 That was amazing. 347 00:14:02.960 --> 00:14:06.299 I have tried to text your producer, Jeff Ross, and 348 00:14:06.340 --> 00:14:09.320 texted Jeff Ross, and I've tried to vice versa. 349 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.500 Jeff Ross, my producer, shares a name with comedian Jeff Ross, 350 00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:16.250 and for years, Jeff Ross would get comedian Jeff Ross's mail. Yeah, 351 00:14:16.330 --> 00:14:17.929 all the time. And vice versa. 352 00:14:18.009 --> 00:14:20.190 Yeah, and I knew it wasn't him because he wasn't. 353 00:14:20.029 --> 00:14:23.879 Like, you fool! fat, lesbian, Val Kilmer looking. It was 354 00:14:23.899 --> 00:14:26.330 just like, hello, Pete. This is Jeff Ross. Yeah. 355 00:14:26.529 --> 00:14:26.789 Yeah. 356 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:30.809 I maintain my Jeff Ross, a producer of our show, 357 00:14:30.870 --> 00:14:35.470 not a fan of comedy. Sona, do you think that's possible? 358 00:14:35.809 --> 00:14:38.230 I think it is. Yeah. I think it is. He's 359 00:14:38.269 --> 00:14:40.690 a great producer. He sure is. I think one of 360 00:14:40.710 --> 00:14:43.309 the things, he is professional. He's an amazing producer. He's 361 00:14:43.330 --> 00:14:45.100 the only producer I ever want to work with. I 362

00:14:45.129 --> 00:14:48.600 suspect sometimes he is not a fan of comedy. Because 363 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:51.279 I'll be saying, I think, some pretty funny stuff. He's like, 364 00:14:51.460 --> 00:14:54.610 let's just wrap it up. Let's go. Come on. Okay, 365 00:14:54.659 --> 00:14:56.730 enough kidding around. Enough with your jokes. Let's get on 366 00:14:56.769 --> 00:14:57.490 with the Conan show. 367 00:14:57.529 --> 00:14:58.429 He's an essential enzyme. 368 00:14:58.570 --> 00:14:59.389 Yes, he is an essential. 369 00:14:59.409 --> 00:15:02.409 If you're this, he's the thing that helps us digest that. 370 00:15:02.690 --> 00:15:02.759 Yes. 371 00:15:02.769 --> 00:15:03.470 Does that make sense? 372 00:15:03.649 --> 00:15:03.789 Yes. 373 00:15:03.809 --> 00:15:05.929 So he's like a porn producer that isn't into sex. 374 00:15:05.970 --> 00:15:08.070 He's just like, and then the breasts come out and 375 00:15:08.110 --> 00:15:09.289 then the ass is shimmering. 376 00:15:09.309 --> 00:15:09.629 Right. 377 00:15:09.669 --> 00:15:11.220 And it wiggles a little bit because people seem to 378 00:15:11.250 --> 00:15:11.509 like that. 379 00:15:12.169 --> 00:15:15.000 He is a porn producer who's not that into sex. 380 00:15:15.019 --> 00:15:15.539 That's what I mean. 381 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:17.679 And I understand that they like the jiggling breasts. 382 00:15:17.759 --> 00:15:17.980 Right. 383 00:15:18.220 --> 00:15:22.659 He's just studying. And in that analogy, I am a 384 00:15:22.730 --> 00:15:25.690 male porn star with a massive penis. 385 00:15:25.730 --> 00:15:26.230 Yes, yes. 386 00:15:26.970 --> 00:15:31.330 Who is very good at sex. Maybe some say the 387 00:15:31.389 --> 00:15:32.899 best at sex ever. 388 00:15:33.139 --> 00:15:35.820 And sometimes in a rough spot would call in Andy 389 00:15:35.879 --> 00:15:37.080 Richter to help him finish. 390 00:15:37.100 --> 00:15:38.960 Andy's got a feather. 391 00:15:39.379 --> 00:15:40.960 Andy! 392 00:15:41.299 --> 00:15:41.700 Andy! 393 00:15:41.799 --> 00:15:44.590 I need fluffing! Andy, shove that feather up my ass! 394 00:15:46.330 --> 00:15:48.610 All right. 395 00:15:48.870 --> 00:15:52.350 You've completely derailed my podcast and I regret having it. 396 00:15:52.389 --> 00:15:57.590 No, you have not derailed anything. I, you know... Here's 397 00:15:57.649 --> 00:15:59.730 something I admire about you, Pete. Can I call you Pete? 398 00:15:59.889 --> 00:16:01.879 Is that okay? 399 00:16:02.059 --> 00:16:05.159 Is that all right? You're always insisting on Dr. 400 00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:05.539 Holmes. 401 00:16:06.059 --> 00:16:08.460 That's my brother's rap producer name. Is that true? 402 00:16:08.620 --> 00:16:11.480 No foolin'. Dr. Holmes 33. 403 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:13.990 Wait, your brother's what? My brother, John Holmes. 404 00:16:14.309 --> 00:16:14.789 Make a joke. 405 00:16:15.009 --> 00:16:16.250 Go ahead, make a joke. 406 00:16:16.490 --> 00:16:16.649 Nope. 407 00:16:17.789 --> 00:16:19.029 My father also John Holmes. 408 00:16:19.210 --> 00:16:19.330 Yep. 409 00:16:21.309 --> 00:16:22.809 One of the things that he does is he produces 410 00:16:22.850 --> 00:16:25.789 beats for underground rappers, or he used to do it more. 411 00:16:25.809 --> 00:16:27.710 He might still do it, but you can look him up. 412 00:16:27.929 --> 00:16:29.700 He's a white guy from Boston. 413 00:16:29.769 --> 00:16:30.820 He's a white man from Boston. 414 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:33.360 Yes, sir. And he produces beats for rappers. 415 00:16:33.779 --> 00:16:33.940 Yeah. 416 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:35.460 And he's good at it. You know what he does? 417 00:16:35.559 --> 00:16:36.019 I think so. 418 00:16:36.419 --> 00:16:39.399 From what I can tell, it's certainly a hard game 419 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:40.139 to get into. 420 00:16:40.419 --> 00:16:43.259 Now, is there anyone in your lineage that's got the 421 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:43.840 comedy thing? 422 00:16:44.980 --> 00:16:47.720 My uncle Larry was hilarious. It was super, super funny. 423 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:49.759 And my mom and my dad are funny, but nobody, 424 00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:52.899 they're like, my dad comes home filthy. And I think 425 00:16:52.940 --> 00:16:54.700 he likes that. He's got like an old. 426 00:16:54.620 --> 00:16:57.960 School, like you can tell, like my back hurts. Like 427 00:16:57.980 --> 00:17:00.639 he thinks that's great. My hands are so soft. I 428 00:17:00.659 --> 00:17:03.480 could massage a seal and it'd be like, mommy. Right. 429 00:17:03.500 --> 00:17:04.279 I think it was his mother. 430 00:17:04.579 --> 00:17:06.339 He knows you're a hard worker. He told me that. 431 00:17:06.500 --> 00:17:09.440 That's very sweet. He said, he said, he said, I'm 432 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:10.980 not going to do your dad's accent, but he said, 433 00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:14.220 because it wouldn't sound right. But he said, I'll tell 434 00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:16.279 you one thing about Pete, no one can outwork him. 435 00:17:16.599 --> 00:17:17.369 Oh, that's very sweet. 436 00:17:17.410 --> 00:17:18.119 He said that about you. 437 00:17:18.190 --> 00:17:18.910 Again, he's projector. 438 00:17:18.930 --> 00:17:21.390 And he was telling, and I was like, yeah. Stop 439 00:17:21.410 --> 00:17:23.670 talking to me about Pete. I actually don't. 440 00:17:23.829 --> 00:17:24.950 Fully relate to that. 441 00:17:25.170 --> 00:17:26.049 I wonder how you are. 442 00:17:26.069 --> 00:17:28.029 I think I would. 443 00:17:28.529 --> 00:17:31.329 Well, you describe me, Sona. I think I'm a hard worker. 444 00:17:31.470 --> 00:17:33.569 You're a very hard worker. 445 00:17:33.650 --> 00:17:34.950 Yeah, Conan O'Brien can't stop. 446 00:17:35.069 --> 00:17:38.259 Yeah, and I'm very different from that. And that's how 447 00:17:38.299 --> 00:17:41.000 we clash a lot sometimes. It's not that I don't 448 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:43.440 work hard. It's that I don't care

as. 449 00:17:43.420 --> 00:17:47.900 Much as you do. Right. I care so much about everything. Yeah. 450 00:17:48.299 --> 00:17:51.690 And can't... And then I get mad... because I care 451 00:17:51.750 --> 00:17:54.170 so much about everything, and I wish I didn't, and 452 00:17:54.190 --> 00:17:57.859 I try not to, but then I still care so much, 453 00:17:57.950 --> 00:18:00.210 and Sona has always been the voice of, eh, I 454 00:18:00.259 --> 00:18:02.180 didn't do it. Well, why didn't you do it? I 455 00:18:02.539 --> 00:18:04.279 don't know, I didn't care. And I'll be like, what? 456 00:18:04.940 --> 00:18:06.420 What do you mean you didn't care? 457 00:18:06.700 --> 00:18:06.940 Right. 458 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:11.000 I think when I watch the documentary, Connor O'Brien Can't Stop, 459 00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:12.779 it does make me a little bit, it makes me 460 00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:15.450 a little bit sad, because I see myself in it. 461 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:16.240 You know what I mean? 462 00:18:16.259 --> 00:18:19.480 That part of us that's always, sort of chasing the 463 00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:23.099 next thing or whatever. But you know, there's also part 464 00:18:23.140 --> 00:18:25.740 of me that's like, I think neither of us, because 465 00:18:25.769 --> 00:18:28.809 I relate more to that than to Sona, wouldn't trade it. 466 00:18:29.109 --> 00:18:30.309 You know what I mean? Like if you could turn 467 00:18:30.349 --> 00:18:32.390 it off, if there was a pill you could take. 468 00:18:33.250 --> 00:18:35.529 No, that's the thing. Well, that's the big question is, 469 00:18:35.750 --> 00:18:37.529 if there was a way to turn it off, I 470 00:18:37.549 --> 00:18:39.430 would turn it off and then quickly turn it back 471 00:18:39.509 --> 00:18:43.730 on again, you know? And so I'm always signing up 472 00:18:44.509 --> 00:18:48.369 for way too much work. than complaining that I have 473 00:18:48.410 --> 00:18:49.089 so much work. 474 00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:50.529 Yeah, I remember you saying that. 475 00:18:50.470 --> 00:18:50.769 To me too. 476 00:18:50.950 --> 00:18:51.529 And that is. 477 00:18:51.549 --> 00:18:53.410 You're like, when I'm making the show, I want to 478 00:18:53.430 --> 00:18:55.470 be on vacation. When I'm on vacation, I miss making 479 00:18:55.490 --> 00:18:58.150 the show. And I was like, oh, wow, that's haunting. 480 00:18:58.390 --> 00:19:00.910 It's a very haunting idea. Terrible way to live your life. 481 00:19:01.049 --> 00:19:03.269 But I don't know if it is because it's one 482 00:19:03.289 --> 00:19:05.910 of the cheaper fuels that runs the machine. And make 483 00:19:05.950 --> 00:19:09.690 no mistake, that work that sometimes we both dread has 484 00:19:09.750 --> 00:19:14.059 incredible highs. These incredible highs. It's the addiction to the 485 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:16.119 highs and the lows. I think there's even a part 486 00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:19.000 of us, I can speak from my experience, that enjoys 487 00:19:19.059 --> 00:19:21.519 when I'm like, oh, you once said my job is 488 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:24.240 putting my soul in the wood chipper of show business. 489 00:19:24.740 --> 00:19:27.990 And I think about that all the time. But there's 490 00:19:28.009 --> 00:19:33.009 a beautiful, it's almost like a French, like, appreciation for, like, Can. 491 00:19:32.890 --> 00:19:35.019 You see what they make us give? 492 00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:36.599 We kind of like it. 493 00:19:36.759 --> 00:19:39.119 Oh, no. That's the other thing, too, is that they're 494 00:19:39.160 --> 00:19:42.839 not making us give. That's right. That's right. It's a narrative. 495 00:19:42.859 --> 00:19:47.109 What comes back to me is there's this moment of 496 00:19:47.170 --> 00:19:49.289 real clarity. I think it's in the documentary, which I 497 00:19:49.309 --> 00:19:51.519 haven't watched in years. but there was this moment where 498 00:19:52.140 --> 00:19:55.420 I come backstage. Play it on the screen. 499 00:19:55.440 --> 00:19:55.640 Yeah. 500 00:19:55.700 --> 00:19:59.779 I come backstage and I'm complaining to my wife and 501 00:19:59.819 --> 00:20:02.680 I'm saying, they are making me do this and they 502 00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:05.029 are making me do that. And she said, there is 503 00:20:05.089 --> 00:20:09.619 no they. There's you. You're doing it. And I realized 504 00:20:09.700 --> 00:20:14.029 that that's the filmmaker who made that documentary called it 505 00:20:14.049 --> 00:20:16.289 Conan O'Brien Can't Stop. And when he told me that 506 00:20:16.329 --> 00:20:18.710 was the title, I honestly didn't know what he was 507 00:20:18.750 --> 00:20:19.329 talking about. 508 00:20:19.410 --> 00:20:19.890 Hilarious. 509 00:20:20.390 --> 00:20:22.890 And then saw the documentary and it was like, oh, 510 00:20:23.430 --> 00:20:27.900 it's this, you know, it's really strange to see a 511 00:20:27.940 --> 00:20:33.940 mirror held up to you that's that accurate. And not bad. 512 00:20:33.980 --> 00:20:36.529 I'm not, I didn't think I was, I'm, But it 513 00:20:36.750 --> 00:20:38.559 was just interesting. It was just interesting to see. 514 00:20:38.569 --> 00:20:40.710 I wonder if it's a New England thing. We were 515 00:20:40.750 --> 00:20:41.609 both probably raised. 516 00:20:41.809 --> 00:20:43.930 I've thought about this. You and I grew up in 517 00:20:43.990 --> 00:20:46.950 New England and it's dark and cold in the morning. 518 00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:50.299 And when you go out to go to school, the 519 00:20:50.359 --> 00:20:53.740 crappy car doesn't turn over because it's so cold. And 520 00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:56.480 it's dark and my mom is making us say Hail 521 00:20:56.500 --> 00:20:58.769 Mary so that the car will turn over. Ha! and 522 00:20:58.789 --> 00:21:01.049 she actually knew the name of the saint you're supposed 523 00:21:01.089 --> 00:21:03.849 to pray to who's good with cars, which is ridiculous, 524 00:21:03.869 --> 00:21:07.089

because all the saints existed 2,000 years ago, but there's 525 00:21:07.109 --> 00:21:10.109 like a Saint Marcus or something who's good with transmissions. 526 00:21:11.130 --> 00:21:13.869 And my mom would make us pray to that saint. 527 00:21:14.069 --> 00:21:16.430 This is great. And then the car would slowly turn over. 528 00:21:16.569 --> 00:21:20.920 And there's something about growing up like that. And I 529 00:21:20.930 --> 00:21:22.900 have thought to myself, what if you could take a 530 00:21:22.930 --> 00:21:27.000 Pete Holmes and a Conan O'Brien and recast them so 531 00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:32.150 that they're born in Santa Barbara. Yeah. And we surf. 532 00:21:32.490 --> 00:21:33.769 We walk barefoot to school. 533 00:21:33.789 --> 00:21:38.329 We walk barefoot. We chill. There's a lot of chilling. 534 00:21:38.490 --> 00:21:44.099 Would we maybe start smoking some weed? Is it possible 535 00:21:44.119 --> 00:21:47.220 that we would be different people? I always thought if 536 00:21:47.339 --> 00:21:50.599 I grew up in Southern California, Would I have had 537 00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:54.190 like a V-shaped torso and a girlfriend when I was 14? 538 00:21:54.190 --> 00:21:56.170 And would I have not had acne? And would I 539 00:21:56.190 --> 00:21:58.150 have just been this chill guy? And what would I 540 00:21:58.190 --> 00:21:59.029 be doing now? 541 00:21:59.970 --> 00:22:02.069 Well, I have pictures of me on the Cape and 542 00:22:02.130 --> 00:22:04.529 I was like blonde haired and I had a tan. 543 00:22:04.549 --> 00:22:05.970 Like I don't tan now. Like I was a little, 544 00:22:05.990 --> 00:22:09.140 I was svelte. I've been soft ever since. Like a 545 00:22:09.299 --> 00:22:13.420 svelte little boy. And I was like, maybe that's California Pete. 546 00:22:13.799 --> 00:22:15.359 But the question is, is California Pete funny? 547 00:22:15.380 --> 00:22:15.700 I don't know. 548 00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:19.369 I could see you on Venice Boulevard like- Not working out, 549 00:22:19.410 --> 00:22:21.740 but maybe giving surf lessons or something. 550 00:22:21.819 --> 00:22:23.559 No, but that wouldn't have worked either. My center of 551 00:22:23.579 --> 00:22:24.500 gravity is way too high. 552 00:22:24.519 --> 00:22:24.740 Me too. 553 00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:27.420 I've got a disproportionate body. All of us tall people. 554 00:22:27.500 --> 00:22:31.119 But I have wondered that. There's a New England thing. 555 00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:33.589 And look at all the New England comics, the real 556 00:22:33.670 --> 00:22:37.130 club comics. Yeah. You know, that it's so harsh. 557 00:22:37.410 --> 00:22:37.630 I know. 558 00:22:37.650 --> 00:22:41.269 They're really funny. Yeah. But it's... Everything's fucked up. 559 00:22:41.349 --> 00:22:44.210 It's a product of roads that were designed for horse 560 00:22:44.250 --> 00:22:47.769 and buggy. We had dinner one time around Christmas in 561 00:22:47.789 --> 00:22:49.089 downtown Boston. That's what I love. 562 00:22:49.130 --> 00:22:50.369 That's a new Boston. 563 00:22:50.670 --> 00:22:52.569 Because that's not the Boston you and I grew up with. 564 00:22:52.589 --> 00:22:54.670 That's what I mean. We didn't go downtown and eat 565 00:22:54.849 --> 00:22:57.230 in a fancy restaurant when I was a kid. That's right. 566 00:22:57.769 --> 00:23:00.579 We went to a place called Tony's Italian Villa on 567 00:23:00.630 --> 00:23:04.539 Route 9. And now I know that is not an 568 00:23:04.579 --> 00:23:09.019 Italian restaurant. But that's where we went. And we each 569 00:23:09.059 --> 00:23:11.400 got to have one soda and that was it. And 570 00:23:11.420 --> 00:23:14.480 my brother Neil always tricked me into drinking mine really quickly. 571 00:23:14.519 --> 00:23:17.180 He'd go, let's have a race. And then I would 572 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:18.920 drink mine really fast and he wouldn't drink his at all. 573 00:23:18.940 --> 00:23:20.619 And then he'd laugh at me the rest of the meal. 574 00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:23.269 Oh my Jesus, if ever I loved me. 575 00:23:29.579 --> 00:23:32.099 And now it's time for a segment called Conan O'Brien 576 00:23:32.140 --> 00:23:33.920 pays off the mortgage on his beach house. 577 00:23:34.339 --> 00:23:36.740 Yes. I believe in being honest with people. Took out 578 00:23:36.759 --> 00:23:40.460 a big mortgage, then borrowed against that mortgage, then borrowed 579 00:23:40.500 --> 00:23:44.950 against it again. Mistake. But I'm an adult and I'm 580 00:23:45.009 --> 00:23:47.069 going to pay down that mortgage. And we're going to 581 00:23:47.109 --> 00:23:48.490 take care of that right now. 582 00:23:49.849 --> 00:23:50.670 How was school today? 583 00:23:51.630 --> 00:23:54.190 Ah, you know, football training, lunch with the lads. 584 00:23:54.869 --> 00:23:56.509 Oh, and I have that art project to finish. 585 00:23:57.180 --> 00:23:59.640 We all know that school days are filled with learning, 586 00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:03.160 social development and fun. But one in five young people 587 00:24:03.259 --> 00:24:05.339 are missing a month or more of their school year. 588 00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:08.259 And when they miss school, they miss out. Which can 589 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:12.000 impact exam results and well-being later on. Every school day 590 00:24:12.269 --> 00:24:15.740 is a new day. Visit gov.ie forward slash school attendance. 591 00:24:16.200 --> 00:24:17.660 An initiative of the Government of Ireland. 592 00:24:23.430 --> 00:24:26.730 There's some hidden little chip in us that makes us 593 00:24:27.430 --> 00:24:30.519 We know, we don't consciously know it, but subconsciously we 594 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.319 know we're not staying here. 595 00:24:32.339 --> 00:24:33.059 Yeah. 596 00:24:33.180 --> 00:24:35.660 That's how I felt about Massachusetts. Me too. And a 597 00:24:36.119 --> 00:24:37.319 lot of my family stayed there. 598 00:24:37.339 --> 00:24:37.940 All of them. 599

00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:41.140 And when I go home, I don't feel like, ah, Boston. 600 00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:41.680 That's right. 601 00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:45.359 My old home. I like Boston. I really love Boston. 602 00:24:45.380 --> 00:24:47.359 I love the people there. It doesn't feel like home. 603 00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:49.220 And in fact, New York never felt like home. I 604 00:24:49.259 --> 00:24:50.279 don't know where my home is. 605 00:24:50.779 --> 00:24:53.339 I'm totally with you. I think there's a feeling of restlessness. 606 00:24:53.400 --> 00:24:55.359 I said to my family, we're kind of rough with 607 00:24:55.380 --> 00:24:57.519 each other. So they came to see the family. 608 00:24:57.559 --> 00:24:57.980 It's loving. 609 00:24:58.359 --> 00:25:00.250 But they came to see the baby and they're just 610 00:25:00.309 --> 00:25:03.650 sort of a nightmare. It's a nightmare situation. I told 611 00:25:03.690 --> 00:25:05.390 the story on Kimmel, but my mom came in and 612 00:25:05.430 --> 00:25:08.369 was like, the first thing she said was, we. 613 00:25:08.250 --> 00:25:11.059 Got you a book for Lila. We got her a book, 614 00:25:11.130 --> 00:25:13.839 but we left it in a diner in Pasadena. Will 615 00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:19.119 you go get it? And I was like, fucking no. Yeah. No, 616 00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:20.680 that's not a gift. That's an errand. 617 00:25:21.039 --> 00:25:22.549 We have a baby. You're supposed to like help. 618 00:25:22.569 --> 00:25:25.259 So anyway, they're kind of nightmares. And I said to them, 619 00:25:25.579 --> 00:25:25.960 if there. 620 00:25:25.859 --> 00:25:28.210 Was show business in Hawaii, I'd be in Hawaii. 621 00:25:28.230 --> 00:25:28.690 You know what I mean? 622 00:25:28.730 --> 00:25:31.069 I was like, if I could go further. But there's 623 00:25:31.109 --> 00:25:33.869 something that sounds cruel and I don't care. I could 624 00:25:33.890 --> 00:25:35.529 explain to you how we love each other. No, no. 625 00:25:35.670 --> 00:25:39.339 I understand that you can. I want to get away. 626 00:25:39.599 --> 00:25:42.079 I understand that you can love your family and they 627 00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:44.960 can also drive you crazy. That's right. I think we 628 00:25:45.119 --> 00:25:47.730 can all. Sona, you can relate to that. Yes. Gorley, 629 00:25:47.750 --> 00:25:49.380 I don't know what your situation is. 630 00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:50.319 Of course, of course. 631 00:25:50.359 --> 00:25:52.079 But I want you in this conversation. 632 00:25:52.099 --> 00:25:52.440 Thanks. 633 00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:54.960 You love your parents. Certainly. And your family. 634 00:25:54.980 --> 00:25:55.349 Dearly. 635 00:25:55.609 --> 00:25:59.069 Dearly, but you also, I mean, you're routinely telling me 636 00:25:59.109 --> 00:26:01.859 how much you also despise all of them. Off mic, yeah. 637 00:26:02.980 --> 00:26:03.460 Off mic. 638 00:26:03.599 --> 00:26:04.359 On a flow chart. 639 00:26:04.579 --> 00:26:06.920 He's constantly writing notes and passing them over to me during, 640 00:26:07.559 --> 00:26:09.940 I despise slash love my family. And I'm like, you 641 00:26:09.960 --> 00:26:11.160 know what? I'm trying to work here. 642 00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:12.500 You know what my therapist says? 643 00:26:12.519 --> 00:26:13.000 Just hit me. 644 00:26:13.079 --> 00:26:15.960 He says, hate your parents well, which I think is really, 645 00:26:15.980 --> 00:26:20.250 like do it intelligently and do it graciously and lovingly. 646 00:26:20.369 --> 00:26:22.309 And there is a way to sort of be like, yeah, 647 00:26:22.329 --> 00:26:24.509 I don't, I love you. That doesn't mean I like 648 00:26:24.589 --> 00:26:25.450 everything about you. 649 00:26:25.509 --> 00:26:29.359 I also tell my, my wife is a terrific, uh, 650 00:26:29.799 --> 00:26:33.279 terrific mom. She's great. And she's always, yeah, she puts 651 00:26:33.339 --> 00:26:36.119 so much effort and thought and love into, into being 652 00:26:36.740 --> 00:26:39.809 a mom. And I'll always remind her, remember, they're going 653 00:26:39.829 --> 00:26:43.009 to go to therapy and they're going to complain about us. Yeah. 654 00:26:43.500 --> 00:26:47.839 We can base this turkey with love every five seconds, 655 00:26:48.539 --> 00:26:50.549 but the turkey, when it's finally done, is gonna go like, 656 00:26:50.569 --> 00:26:50.960 you know. 657 00:26:51.529 --> 00:26:54.569 As a naive new parent, and I'll concede that that 658 00:26:54.609 --> 00:26:55.210 might be what I am. 659 00:26:55.470 --> 00:26:58.789 You're very early in the process. I'm very early. How 660 00:26:58.829 --> 00:27:00.549 far along are you? How old? 661 00:27:00.630 --> 00:27:01.670 She's two and a half months. 662 00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:03.500 She's two and a half months, right? Because you brought 663 00:27:03.539 --> 00:27:07.259 her to the show seconds after she was born, which 664 00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:08.519 actually blew my mind. 665 00:27:08.559 --> 00:27:12.140 She was delivered in Jimmy Vivino's dressing room. 666 00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:12.480 Yeah. 667 00:27:12.539 --> 00:27:13.579 You came to the show and I was like, I 668 00:27:13.619 --> 00:27:16.359 can't believe you're doing this show because your wife just 669 00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.920 gave birth. We didn't know what people meant. And you said, 670 00:27:19.559 --> 00:27:23.299 what do you mean? She's backstage. And I walked into 671 00:27:23.319 --> 00:27:25.380 the dressing room and your wife threw the baby at me. 672 00:27:26.839 --> 00:27:28.920 She said, catch, catch. 673 00:27:29.279 --> 00:27:29.930 And.... 674 00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:33.640 It was very scarring for everyone, but- Well. 675 00:27:33.660 --> 00:27:35.990 We didn't know that when people say like, don't do that, 676 00:27:36.029 --> 00:27:37.630 they mean that you're going to get your baby sick. 677 00:27:37.710 --> 00:27:37.910 Yeah. 678 00:27:37.930 --> 00:27:41.450 Because

then we took our baby to Maui to see 679 00:27:41.750 --> 00:27:44.359 Ram Dass because I wanted her to- Ram Dass is 680 00:27:44.380 --> 00:27:48.759 my- teacher, I guess we could say, who's also from Boston. 681 00:27:48.940 --> 00:27:49.640 He's from Newton. 682 00:27:50.670 --> 00:27:52.029 And I have a lot in common with him because 683 00:27:52.049 --> 00:27:54.289 of that, I feel. Anyway, I wanted her to meet him, 684 00:27:54.829 --> 00:27:58.130 and she got a cold. And we were like, oh. 685 00:27:58.210 --> 00:27:59.819 When people are like, you make all your mistakes with 686 00:27:59.839 --> 00:28:01.720 the first one, I was like, that's what they mean, 687 00:28:01.740 --> 00:28:03.900 is we're on a plane, everyone's coughing. We get to 688 00:28:03.920 --> 00:28:07.079 the retreat, everyone has like, literally people had pneumonia and 689 00:28:07.099 --> 00:28:09.539 bronchitis and we're like, oh, we'll be in the room. 690 00:28:09.779 --> 00:28:11.900 Like we just, we fucked up. Then like one day 691 00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:14.140 she got too much sun on one side of her face. 692 00:28:14.460 --> 00:28:16.480 But something I noticed, I don't know. 693 00:28:16.519 --> 00:28:18.339 You're terrible parents, I'm realizing. We're terrible parents. 694 00:28:18.359 --> 00:28:21.400 We need the baby taken away. But it wasn't a sunburn. 695 00:28:21.420 --> 00:28:23.420 It was just like enough that it was like. We 696 00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:26.930 thought she should go to a tubercular ward. We thought 697 00:28:26.970 --> 00:28:30.930 she should see where tuberculosis is cured. So she was 698 00:28:30.950 --> 00:28:31.670 about a day. 699 00:28:31.569 --> 00:28:34.549 Old and we took her to show her what tuberculosis was. 700 00:28:35.789 --> 00:28:36.289 Who knows? 701 00:28:36.329 --> 00:28:39.519 You make those mistakes with the first one. You learn. 702 00:28:41.220 --> 00:28:43.160 Val felt horrible. 703 00:28:43.859 --> 00:28:48.480 I noticed a naturally occurring insurgence of what I call 704 00:28:48.500 --> 00:28:52.180 dad energy. Women can have dad energy too, obviously. And 705 00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:54.440 I can have mom energy, but I started having like 706 00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:56.359 that dad, like, she'll be fine. 707 00:28:56.619 --> 00:28:57.359 And I meant it. 708 00:28:57.720 --> 00:28:58.720 Like she got. 709 00:28:58.700 --> 00:29:02.180 More nervous than she normally did. And I got more 710 00:29:02.259 --> 00:29:04.700 self-assured that everything's going to be fine. And I was like, 711 00:29:05.049 --> 00:29:07.769 oh my God, we're yinning each other's yangs right now. 712 00:29:08.150 --> 00:29:10.390 And nobody asked for it. I didn't read any book 713 00:29:10.470 --> 00:29:10.869 about it. 714 00:29:10.869 --> 00:29:13.269 No, but that's exactly what you do. It's what happens, right? 715 00:29:13.630 --> 00:29:17.049 If your wife was super chill, you would freak out. 716 00:29:17.069 --> 00:29:18.710 That's right. You know what? We're going to have to 717 00:29:18.730 --> 00:29:20.930 take a break. Wrap up. We've talked for, yeah, we've 718 00:29:20.950 --> 00:29:22.259 got to wrap up. How long has it been? 719 00:29:22.500 --> 00:29:23.599 It's been close to an hour. 720 00:29:23.859 --> 00:29:24.799 Jesus Christ. 721 00:29:24.819 --> 00:29:26.319 I'm just letting you guys roll. 722 00:29:26.539 --> 00:29:27.160 The fuck? 723 00:29:27.660 --> 00:29:29.759 I don't know much about this guy, but. All I've 724 00:29:29.799 --> 00:29:31.400 seen him do is try to put this show in 725 00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:31.940 a box. 726 00:29:33.170 --> 00:29:36.609 You can't contain this. I'm lightning and he's the bottle. 727 00:29:36.650 --> 00:29:37.789 Yeah, we're yinning and yanging. 728 00:29:37.809 --> 00:29:43.059 I'm father energy, he's mother energy. energy. I'm gonna pay 729 00:29:43.099 --> 00:29:43.779 you a compliment. 730 00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:44.519 Oh, I would love it. 731 00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:48.119 Not right now. Several years from now, you're gonna get 732 00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:50.220 a letter and it's gonna have a compliment that's just 733 00:29:50.269 --> 00:29:55.210 gonna say, you dress well. It's gonna be much less 734 00:29:55.250 --> 00:29:56.410 than what you thought you were gonna get. That is 735 00:29:56.430 --> 00:29:58.549 so not true. And you don't. And it's gonna be 736 00:29:58.569 --> 00:30:01.299 in quotes, so you know it's not true. No, you 737 00:30:01.319 --> 00:30:04.539 know what I like is that you, there is a 738 00:30:06.339 --> 00:30:11.640 very popular vein in comedy, which is the comedian that 739 00:30:11.660 --> 00:30:16.579 is very unhappy and miserable. And I've always liked that 740 00:30:16.599 --> 00:30:19.059 you don't mind that vein. Do you know what I mean? 741 00:30:19.099 --> 00:30:24.890 That you, and there's some other, Ron Funches also, Talks 742 00:30:24.950 --> 00:30:28.450 about things that make him happy. Cinnamon angel? Yeah. But 743 00:30:28.470 --> 00:30:30.190 he talks about things that give him happiness. And I 744 00:30:30.230 --> 00:30:34.559 think you're the same school, which I actually credit. I 745 00:30:34.599 --> 00:30:39.359 think that is a harder path to take. It's a 746 00:30:39.420 --> 00:30:43.720 more original or fresher path to take because I weary 747 00:30:43.799 --> 00:30:46.029 over the years of the people that come out and 748 00:30:46.049 --> 00:30:47.869 they just tell you over and over and over again. 749 00:30:47.890 --> 00:30:50.690 How the world's sick. How I'm sick. Something's wrong with me. 750 00:30:50.769 --> 00:30:56.359 I'm bad. I'm neurotic. And I'm a disease and I 751 00:30:56.390 --> 00:30:58.319 don't know. I weary of that. 752 00:30:58.940 --> 00:30:59.839 I appreciate that. 753 00:30:59.940 --> 00:31:04.259 When you're starting in the clubs, it's 90%, 95 maybe, 754 00:31:04.839 --> 00:31:05.259 just like. 755 00:31:05.619 --> 00:31:07.500 And I got up

there and I punched him in 756 00:31:07.519 --> 00:31:07.980 the face. 757 00:31:08.039 --> 00:31:09.920 And then I realized it was a woman. It was 758 00:31:09.960 --> 00:31:12.220 my mother. And people are like, oh. 759 00:31:12.609 --> 00:31:14.950 And then you have to go up and be like, Kleenex. 760 00:31:15.349 --> 00:31:17.230 It used to be facial tissue. Now it's Kleenex. 761 00:31:17.250 --> 00:31:21.109 You know, like it's hard, but I'm so grateful that like, 762 00:31:21.509 --> 00:31:27.119 the taste of comedy consumers shifted towards the positive. And 763 00:31:27.160 --> 00:31:31.660 that started happening. You pioneered that in a huge way 764 00:31:32.160 --> 00:31:35.519 and made a space for people like me that want 765 00:31:35.539 --> 00:31:37.460 to be silly, that don't want to be like, and 766 00:31:37.539 --> 00:31:39.740 I said, Babu, my partner. Why am I doing it 767 00:31:39.819 --> 00:31:40.500 like that voice? 768 00:31:40.539 --> 00:31:42.140 You know what I'm saying? It doesn't have to be 769 00:31:42.200 --> 00:31:43.059 against anybody. 770 00:31:43.079 --> 00:31:46.269 And I appreciate that. Well, you know what's interesting to 771 00:31:46.309 --> 00:31:48.170 me is that it's that I think there's a lot 772 00:31:48.190 --> 00:31:52.910 of people that conflate negativity with quote, the truth. 773 00:31:53.170 --> 00:31:53.349 Yeah. 774 00:31:53.890 --> 00:31:56.630 So it's that whole school of if you're being negative. 775 00:31:56.890 --> 00:32:00.779 That's right. And you're saying dark things, you're telling the truth. 776 00:32:01.099 --> 00:32:06.119 That's right. And if you're not, if your comedy isn't 777 00:32:06.220 --> 00:32:09.940 right now, railing against what's happening in our country and 778 00:32:10.059 --> 00:32:14.720 railing about, you know, who's president and what's, you know, happening, 779 00:32:15.380 --> 00:32:18.500 then you're escapist and you're not handling the truth. And 780 00:32:18.539 --> 00:32:22.130 I think, I don't, I don't think I agree with that. 781 00:32:22.150 --> 00:32:23.890 I don't think I agree with that. I think it's 782 00:32:23.970 --> 00:32:28.950 possible to be present in this world, understand that not 783 00:32:29.049 --> 00:32:32.130 all is right with the world, and then try to find... 784 00:32:31.809 --> 00:32:34.950 We're back at the dinner table. Try to find the silliness. 785 00:32:35.130 --> 00:32:35.769 That's right. 786 00:32:36.049 --> 00:32:39.670 There are people that confuse being sarcastic with having a 787 00:32:39.710 --> 00:32:43.059 personality or hating everything as having a personality. 788 00:32:43.099 --> 00:32:45.259 This is a real epidemic. You'll see in people's Twitter bios, 789 00:32:45.319 --> 00:32:48.069 it says like, Sarcasm is just one of the many 790 00:32:48.210 --> 00:32:49.569 services I offer. 791 00:32:49.589 --> 00:32:51.609 It's like, you're in the way, Beth. 792 00:32:52.289 --> 00:32:53.769 You don't have to do those things. 793 00:32:54.829 --> 00:32:57.390 Bless you. I hope we got that on, that was 794 00:32:57.410 --> 00:32:57.750 a good one. 795 00:32:57.829 --> 00:33:00.150 We can sell that. We can get money for that. 796 00:33:00.539 --> 00:33:05.450 Yeah. You sneezing a lot lately? Use nasal tracks. I 797 00:33:05.470 --> 00:33:06.730 just made up that product. Now we have to go 798 00:33:06.849 --> 00:33:09.069 find a company and make them get that name. Isn't 799 00:33:09.089 --> 00:33:09.549 that fun? 800 00:33:09.809 --> 00:33:12.630 It's a podcast. You can sing, believe it or not. 801 00:33:12.730 --> 00:33:13.589 You don't have to pay for this. 802 00:33:13.670 --> 00:33:14.490 Oh, is that true? 803 00:33:14.769 --> 00:33:15.109 No. 804 00:33:15.630 --> 00:33:18.730 Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Yes. 805 00:33:18.950 --> 00:33:21.259 It's like when your final show is The Tonight Show. 806 00:33:21.299 --> 00:33:22.960 You can do the most expensive show ever. 807 00:33:23.240 --> 00:33:24.119 Nobody's ever going to care. 808 00:33:24.779 --> 00:33:26.819 You found out you couldn't pay for a song, so 809 00:33:26.859 --> 00:33:27.380 you sang. 810 00:33:27.200 --> 00:33:30.339 The Charles in charge thing. You could have sang anything. 811 00:33:30.359 --> 00:33:32.200 You know what I did? It's also not true. You 812 00:33:32.220 --> 00:33:35.019 know what? What? Yes, it is. Not here. 813 00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:38.079 I understand it is with yours, but it is not here. 814 00:33:38.960 --> 00:33:40.009 And I'm not condoning that. 815 00:33:40.200 --> 00:33:40.809 I say do it. 816 00:33:40.900 --> 00:33:41.410 Crawl. 817 00:33:41.430 --> 00:33:43.710 No. You had me for a second thinking I could 818 00:33:43.750 --> 00:33:46.970 sing all of Led Zeppelin, the most expensive catalog next 819 00:33:47.009 --> 00:33:47.710 to the Beatles. 820 00:33:47.869 --> 00:33:50.690 You think if we sing Led Zeppelin, you're going to 821 00:33:50.730 --> 00:33:51.190 get a letter? 822 00:33:51.609 --> 00:33:53.940 No, but I think that the people in this corporation 823 00:33:54.259 --> 00:33:57.599 will have words. I say fan that fire. Go for it. 824 00:33:57.940 --> 00:34:00.680 I'll do it with you. You need cooling. Baby, I'm 825 00:34:00.700 --> 00:34:05.339 not fooling. Want to send you back to schooling. We're 826 00:34:05.359 --> 00:34:09.039 down inside. Give me your, give me your love. 827 00:34:16.019 --> 00:34:26.050 Now, fortunately, I sing it so strangely. 828 00:34:26.070 --> 00:34:30.250 Yeah, that melody is... That... Charles in charge of our 829 00:34:30.289 --> 00:34:34.170 days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs 830 00:34:34.530 --> 00:34:38.429 and our rights. I want Charles in charge of me. 831 00:34:38.869 --> 00:34:40.070 What a weird song. 832 00:34:40.219 --> 00:34:40.389 Ha ha! 833 00:34:41.150 --> 00:34:41.429 Yeah. 834 00:34:41.570 --> 00:34:44.050 Why is he in charge of our wrongs. 835 00:34:43.750 -->

00:34:44.110 And our rights? 836 00:34:44.139 --> 00:34:48.639 It doesn't age well. What a terrible song. Anyway, there's 837 00:34:48.699 --> 00:34:51.300 no better way to get out on a podcast than 838 00:34:51.340 --> 00:34:54.889 me singing a song that Earwolf isn't gonna let come through. No, 839 00:34:54.889 --> 00:34:57.409 it's going on. It's gonna go. No one's gonna come 840 00:34:57.489 --> 00:34:59.050 after us for the Charles in Charge theme. 841 00:34:59.130 --> 00:35:00.070 I say let him try. 842 00:35:00.710 --> 00:35:04.750 Yeah, whoa, Corley's throwing down. Yeah, I'll firewall it. Later 843 00:35:04.869 --> 00:35:07.849 in court, you just crying. I didn't know. 844 00:35:08.110 --> 00:35:11.829 This is a fun way to plug my stand-up special, 845 00:35:11.949 --> 00:35:15.050 Dirty Clean, which is out on HBO now. There's a 846 00:35:15.050 --> 00:35:17.590 joke I couldn't do, and it goes like this. First 847 00:35:17.610 --> 00:35:18.889 I go, do you ever give thanks that you're not 848 00:35:19.070 --> 00:35:21.449 attracted to children? It's just kind of a funny line. 849 00:35:22.010 --> 00:35:24.369 And I go, but that shit is everywhere. Like, what's 850 00:35:24.389 --> 00:35:25.349 going on with that song? 851 00:35:25.369 --> 00:35:27.659 Hey, little girl, is your daddy home? 852 00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:27.880 Yeah. 853 00:35:28.539 --> 00:35:30.800 Did he go and leave you all alone? 854 00:35:34.139 --> 00:35:36.380 Why am I hearing this at the dentist? 855 00:35:36.420 --> 00:35:36.739 Yeah. 856 00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:39.719 It's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull, 857 00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:42.380 and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull. 858 00:35:42.519 --> 00:35:43.440 Is that the next line? 859 00:35:43.460 --> 00:35:45.840 At night I wake up with a sheet soaking wet 860 00:35:45.880 --> 00:35:47.000 and a free train runs. 861 00:35:47.179 --> 00:35:48.460 Well, now we're just loving the song. 862 00:35:48.599 --> 00:35:48.699 Yeah. 863 00:35:48.940 --> 00:35:49.909 It's a good song. 864 00:35:49.969 --> 00:35:50.360 It is a good song. 865 00:35:50.389 --> 00:35:51.010 No, it's a great song. 866 00:35:51.269 --> 00:35:53.690 But all I said was like, that's fucking weird. Like 867 00:35:53.750 --> 00:35:56.510 nobody in the recording booth like this, through the glass, 868 00:35:56.769 --> 00:35:57.769 when he was like, I. 869 00:35:57.769 --> 00:36:01.889 Got a bird desire, was like, Bruce, it's fucking weird, man. 870 00:36:02.190 --> 00:36:03.469 That's all I said. Don't do that, Bruce. 871 00:36:03.719 --> 00:36:06.460 And I never called him a pedophile. I'm not, I'm also, 872 00:36:06.500 --> 00:36:09.019 we're not idiots. We're just saying the song sounds. 873 00:36:09.099 --> 00:36:10.920 No, I don't see why. Why did they cut that out? 874 00:36:11.000 --> 00:36:15.239 Because I'm, the lawyers, not of HBO. Because the production 875 00:36:15.300 --> 00:36:17.809 company would get sued,

not HBO. HBO is fine with it. 876 00:36:18.219 --> 00:36:21.250 The production company wouldn't let me do it, understandably, because 877 00:36:21.570 --> 00:36:22.630 you're calling him a pedophile. 878 00:36:22.670 --> 00:36:25.110 And then I'd say, Neil Diamond, girl, you'll be a 879 00:36:25.150 --> 00:36:27.949 woman soon. Wait for that transition to be complete. 880 00:36:27.969 --> 00:36:32.210 Yeah. What fucking skis? She's just 16 years old. 881 00:36:32.230 --> 00:36:34.429 Leave her alone, they said. 882 00:36:34.449 --> 00:36:34.989 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 883 00:36:35.260 --> 00:36:38.900 You're 16 you're beautiful in your mind there's a lot 884 00:36:38.920 --> 00:36:40.619 of them out there I know but those two were 885 00:36:40.659 --> 00:36:42.440 like kind of subtle enough. 886 00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:46.059 No no no but I'm surprised that yanked I'm surprised 887 00:36:46.079 --> 00:36:48.500 that that got yanked it was yanked but you know 888 00:36:48.539 --> 00:36:50.340 what I said let's make sure I get the name 889 00:36:50.360 --> 00:36:53.099 of the special correct Dirty Clean Dirty Clean and that's 890 00:36:53.159 --> 00:36:56.039 out now it's out now that's out now and on 891 00:36:56.159 --> 00:36:59.760 HBO Go or HBO Now and watch the special which 892 00:36:59.800 --> 00:37:02.159 is really funny but then imagine that hunk in it 893 00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:04.340 I know it's even a little bit better I. 894 00:37:04.340 --> 00:37:06.110 Had another, speaking of it went out like that, I 895 00:37:06.130 --> 00:37:07.909 had a joke where I go, some songs sound, this 896 00:37:07.929 --> 00:37:10.329 didn't make the special, I go, some songs sound unfinished. 897 00:37:10.889 --> 00:37:14.849 Desmond has a barrow at the marketplace while he has 898 00:37:14.929 --> 00:37:15.289 a sale. 899 00:37:15.309 --> 00:37:16.730 Okay, that's a good start. And then they get to 900 00:37:16.750 --> 00:37:21.300 the chorus, they're like, oh bloody, oh bloody, just for now. 901 00:37:21.320 --> 00:37:24.840 Life goes on, blah. Obviously I couldn't afford that one. 902 00:37:24.860 --> 00:37:26.659 Led Zeppelin and the Beatles in this episode. 903 00:37:26.699 --> 00:37:27.519 This is gonna be. 904 00:37:27.539 --> 00:37:29.440 But this is what podcasts are. This is why I'm 905 00:37:29.480 --> 00:37:32.309 happy you're doing a podcast. It's still showbiz, but like, 906 00:37:32.690 --> 00:37:34.269 It's a dream. I don't know if you've ever. 907 00:37:34.190 --> 00:37:37.510 Had a dream of something that requires almost no preparation 908 00:37:37.570 --> 00:37:42.750 or effort, but somehow impossibly produces a result, I would say, 909 00:37:43.130 --> 00:37:45.889 sometimes better than something that we worked really hard on. 910 00:37:45.889 --> 00:37:49.769 I have calculated every question and every response in this beforehand. 911 00:37:50.070 --> 00:37:52.130 And you've said all of the things that I predicted 912 00:37:52.150 -->

00:37:55.010 you would say based on the algorithms I was working 913 00:37:55.110 --> 00:37:57.019 out long into the night. So I don't know what 914 00:37:57.039 --> 00:37:59.619 you're talking about. I am old school and you've played 915 00:37:59.659 --> 00:38:03.199 right into my hands. Pete Holmes, an absolute desire. I 916 00:38:08.119 --> 00:38:13.559 got a bad desire. I got a bad desire. Fire. 917 00:38:14.699 --> 00:38:17.840 Tell me now, Pete, do you like me? Do you 918 00:38:17.880 --> 00:38:22.929 want to sit on the edge of my knee, old Pete? Pete, 919 00:38:22.949 --> 00:38:24.139 you put that thought in my head and I'm going 920 00:38:24.159 --> 00:38:25.309 to think about it the rest of the day. 921 00:38:25.329 --> 00:38:25.650 I know. 922 00:38:25.690 --> 00:38:27.889 And then I'm calling Bruce Springsteen because we chat every 923 00:38:27.909 --> 00:38:30.090 day on the phone. Give me a denim shirt. That's 924 00:38:30.170 --> 00:38:33.329 not how he sounds. Give me a denim shirt. This 925 00:38:33.409 --> 00:38:36.030 is a terrible Bruce impression. Hey, I want to wear 926 00:38:36.050 --> 00:38:39.530 jeans and a denim shirt. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, that's him. 927 00:38:39.550 --> 00:38:39.949 I know. 928 00:38:39.969 --> 00:38:42.809 What is that? Him as a deputy in an old cowboy? 929 00:38:44.150 --> 00:38:47.769 The bad guys are coming. Calm down, bad Bruce Springsteen impression. 930 00:38:48.530 --> 00:38:51.190 The bad guys are coming over here. We got to 931 00:38:51.210 --> 00:38:54.210 get them. And we also got to do something for 932 00:38:54.250 --> 00:38:58.099 the working man. Marshall Dillon? All right, I'm wrapping this 933 00:38:58.139 --> 00:39:00.039 thing up. This thing's gone on way too long. This 934 00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:03.219 isn't one of your nine hour podcasts where we just 935 00:39:03.239 --> 00:39:04.739 free flow. I'm a big believer. 936 00:39:04.860 --> 00:39:07.300 It's after the first hour that you get the good stuff. 937 00:39:07.480 --> 00:39:10.500 Yeah, who wants the good stuff? 938 00:39:10.500 --> 00:39:10.900 104, who? 939 00:39:11.340 --> 00:39:13.079 But after he edits it. Can I say this? After 940 00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:13.760 he edits it. 941 00:39:13.820 --> 00:39:14.800 Don't edit this out. 942 00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:17.260 I have that control, so it's going on. Go ahead. 943 00:39:17.489 --> 00:39:19.550 Who told us that podcasts are supposed to. 944 00:39:19.530 --> 00:39:20.030 Be an hour? 945 00:39:20.329 --> 00:39:22.349 I have had the experience of being on a podcast 946 00:39:22.409 --> 00:39:23.690 and it's like hour three. 947 00:39:23.989 --> 00:39:24.250 Yes. 948 00:39:24.349 --> 00:39:27.840 And I do start to feel like, how does this stop? 949 00:39:28.869 --> 00:39:33.090 Where I'm the guest. Right. And I do think that they, 950 00:39:33.260 --> 00:39:35.980 if the studio was on fire, they wouldn't wrap it up. 951 00:39:36.039 --> 00:39:39.679 I understand. They're trying to get a little more juice 952 00:39:39.699 --> 00:39:40.340 out of the breezies. 953 00:39:41.019 --> 00:39:44.099 That's Conan's or breezies. That's right. Because no one knows 954 00:39:44.119 --> 00:39:44.800 what you're talking about. 955 00:39:44.820 --> 00:39:46.260 Then I just say make it two hours. 956 00:39:46.699 --> 00:39:48.000 All right, Sonny, you got to end this thing. 957 00:39:49.219 --> 00:39:51.389 Thank you for joining us. That was Pete Holmes. 958 00:39:51.969 --> 00:39:52.949 That's how it ends. 959 00:39:53.010 --> 00:39:55.760 Check out Dirty Clean on HBO now. 960 00:39:55.920 --> 00:39:57.980 And Crashing comes back January 20th. 961 00:39:59.710 --> 00:40:00.750 After True Detective. 962 00:40:01.170 --> 00:40:02.730 After True Detective. 963 00:40:02.849 --> 00:40:06.989 We're the sorbet after the heavy entree. Someone in a 964 00:40:07.050 --> 00:40:09.989 crow mask is gonna shoot somebody. And then I'll be like, 965 00:40:10.289 --> 00:40:10.690 can I. 966 00:40:10.659 --> 00:40:13.980 Get five minutes at your club, mister? Why am I doing, 967 00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:15.539 that's a you bet. Come on, give me a break. 968 00:40:15.619 --> 00:40:17.820 I'm only doing that because I'm with you. That's my 969 00:40:17.860 --> 00:40:22.340 girl in show business. Gee, Mr. O'Brien, do you think 970 00:40:22.380 --> 00:40:25.199 you could put me on the show? Chomp, chomp on gum. 971 00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:29.619 Hands on hips. Scrunchy on wrist. Yeah. 972 00:40:30.099 --> 00:40:30.739 Gee, Mr. 973 00:40:30.840 --> 00:40:36.519 O'Brien, I could be a singer. All right, this is it. 974 00:40:36.760 --> 00:40:37.920 Peace out, Tupac. 975 00:40:45.179 --> 00:40:49.210 And now it's time for another installment of Conan O'Brien 976 00:40:49.269 --> 00:40:51.369 pays off the mortgage on his beach house. 977 00:40:52.730 --> 00:40:53.530 How was school today? 978 00:40:54.510 --> 00:40:55.010 Ah, you know. 979 00:40:55.480 --> 00:40:57.039 Football training, lunch with the lads. 980 00:40:57.760 --> 00:40:59.429 Oh, and I have that art project to finish. 981 00:41:00.050 --> 00:41:02.530 We all know that school days are filled with learning, 982 00:41:02.769 --> 00:41:06.050 social development and fun. But one in five young people 983 00:41:06.150 --> 00:41:08.230 are missing a month or more of their school year. 984 00:41:08.610 --> 00:41:11.159 And when they miss school, they miss out. Which can 985 00:41:11.199 --> 00:41:14.900 impact exam results and well-being later on. Every school day 986 00:41:15.139 --> 00:41:18.639 is a new day. Visit gov.ie forward slash school attendance. 987 00:41:19.099 --> 00:41:20.519 An initiative of the Government of Ireland. 988 00:41:26.480 --> 00:41:30.090 Okay, of course, I'm sitting here with producer Matt Gourley 989 00:41:30.170 --> 00:41:35.690 and Sona Movsesian is doodling something. Remember the time I 990 00:41:35.730 --> 00:41:37.989 caught you doodling at your desk, Sona, and it

was 991 00:41:38.030 --> 00:41:40.760 a butt? Remember when you were drawing a butt? 992 00:41:40.920 --> 00:41:41.260 Remember? 993 00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:43.139 The story. Just hold it. Do you remember when you 994 00:41:43.159 --> 00:41:43.719 were drawing a butt? 995 00:41:44.159 --> 00:41:46.000 It's, I'm going to tell the story right now. 996 00:41:46.079 --> 00:41:47.460 There's no time because we're getting into a segment. 997 00:41:47.539 --> 00:41:49.480 I know, but you said you don't do any work. 998 00:41:49.579 --> 00:41:50.340 I said, yes, I do. 999 00:41:50.400 --> 00:41:52.380 And I flipped through my notebook and there was a 1000 00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:53.559 drawing of a butt. 1001 00:41:53.900 --> 00:41:55.619 Yeah. Why were you drawing a butt? 1002 00:41:56.900 --> 00:42:00.070 I didn't draw it. Jason Gilemmi, our field producer, drew 1003 00:42:00.139 --> 00:42:01.119 it on my notebook. 1004 00:42:01.449 --> 00:42:03.889 It was just very embarrassing because I picked up Sona's 1005 00:42:03.969 --> 00:42:06.150 book to see what work she'd been doing. And there 1006 00:42:06.170 --> 00:42:08.130 was just a drawing of a butt in her notebook. 1007 00:42:08.389 --> 00:42:10.309 Well, do you remember when we did those Roman ED 1008 00:42:10.409 --> 00:42:12.429 ads and you were drawing erections all over the paper? 1009 00:42:13.309 --> 00:42:14.949 I wasn't drawing them. I was sculpting them. 1010 00:42:15.070 --> 00:42:15.590 Oh, that's right. 1011 00:42:16.730 --> 00:42:21.730 Matt, we've now released a handful of these podcast episodes. 1012 00:42:22.369 --> 00:42:23.769 And I thought we should do a state of the 1013 00:42:23.809 --> 00:42:27.460 podcast where we assess how we're doing so far. Why 1014 00:42:27.480 --> 00:42:30.219 don't you give us your assessment as a professional podcaster? 1015 00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:32.599 Well, I don't think it's any surprise, but we are 1016 00:42:32.619 --> 00:42:36.619 doing very well. This podcast has an average of five 1017 00:42:36.679 --> 00:42:40.949 stars out of five stars. The download numbers exceeded expectations 1018 00:42:41.050 --> 00:42:44.989 multiple times where they even upped the ad sales and 1019 00:42:45.010 --> 00:42:47.650 then had to sell more ads. So you're doing incredibly well. 1020 00:42:48.230 --> 00:42:48.550 Okay. 1021 00:42:48.690 --> 00:42:51.670 So that's good. I don't have any connection emotionally to 1022 00:42:51.750 --> 00:42:54.860 any of that. Those are just, that's you looking at 1023 00:42:55.260 --> 00:42:58.280 various graphs and charts. You probably go into a dark 1024 00:42:58.340 --> 00:43:03.440 room and just look at all kinds of screens. Yeah. 1025 00:43:03.599 --> 00:43:04.320 A numbers seller. 1026 00:43:04.519 --> 00:43:08.929 Yeah. And I, what I know, so I was in 1027 00:43:08.969 --> 00:43:12.659 a foreign country called Canada. And I was walking down 1028 00:43:12.679 --> 00:43:15.800 the street and a car drove by and a guy 1029 00:43:15.989 --> 00:43:19.070 rolled down the window on his truck and said, gone 1030 00:43:19.130 --> 00:43:21.110 and I loved the podcast. 1031 00:43:21.510 --> 00:43:24.949 Now that's something. When you're reaching just the streets of 1032 00:43:24.989 --> 00:43:25.530 another country. 1033 00:43:25.630 --> 00:43:28.849 I was in the streets of Vancouver. Now granted, it's 1034 00:43:28.969 --> 00:43:32.989 practically the United States. Vancouver is pretty much a suburb 1035 00:43:33.110 --> 00:43:35.920 of Seattle. But I thought that was a good sign. 1036 00:43:36.340 --> 00:43:38.920 I'm hearing more and more people say they like the podcast. 1037 00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:42.409 And that's the only thing I go by. is humans 1038 00:43:42.769 --> 00:43:48.150 telling me. So your numbers and your graphs and your charts, 1039 00:43:48.230 --> 00:43:58.059 and you're telling me, the advertisers quadrupled their expectations. Is 1040 00:43:58.079 --> 00:43:59.380 that a fair, you think that's a good idea? 1041 00:43:59.559 --> 00:44:01.639 First of all, I didn't use that voice. And second 1042 00:44:01.659 --> 00:44:03.719 of all, I am a person telling you that. 1043 00:44:04.440 --> 00:44:05.019 Oh, you're right. 1044 00:44:05.400 --> 00:44:07.099 How do you feel about it? Are you feeling good? 1045 00:44:07.380 --> 00:44:07.659 I am. 1046 00:44:07.940 --> 00:44:11.230 I enjoy it. Yeah. I, I, Totally go by how 1047 00:44:11.289 --> 00:44:15.110 things feel. I'm a sensual man. I'm a sensualist. 1048 00:44:15.429 --> 00:44:17.150 I feel like I know what Sona goes through on 1049 00:44:17.190 --> 00:44:17.869 a day-to-day basis. 1050 00:44:18.329 --> 00:44:21.969 And I go totally on, I'm very tactile. Sona, help. 1051 00:44:21.989 --> 00:44:24.489 I'm like Jeff Goldblum. I have to touch everything around me. 1052 00:44:24.630 --> 00:44:24.969 Please. 1053 00:44:24.989 --> 00:44:25.150 Oh, yes. 1054 00:44:26.349 --> 00:44:30.489 Oh, that's Jeff Goldblum. It feels good to me. I 1055 00:44:30.510 --> 00:44:33.260 enjoy it. It feels like a form that fits my 1056 00:44:34.159 --> 00:44:37.880 rambling mind. Sona, what are you doing? I'm sorry. 1057 00:44:38.469 --> 00:44:40.030 Why are you, you're on your phone when I need 1058 00:44:40.090 --> 00:44:40.809 help over here? 1059 00:44:40.889 --> 00:44:41.469 I have to do something. 1060 00:44:41.489 --> 00:44:42.349 You know what I'm saying? 1061 00:44:42.769 --> 00:44:44.530 Can I just say something, first of all? When we're 1062 00:44:44.550 --> 00:44:46.389 doing the podcast, we're doing the podcast. 1063 00:44:46.409 --> 00:44:46.769 I know, I'm sorry. 1064 00:44:46.789 --> 00:44:49.489 And I looked over, hand me your paper, please. And 1065 00:44:49.510 --> 00:44:53.710 you were drawing furiously. And you're drawing, who is that? 1066 00:44:53.769 --> 00:44:55.409 It looks like kind of a chubby girl. 1067 00:44:55.449 --> 00:44:56.050 That's very good. 1068 00:44:56.070 --> 00:44:57.260 It's a little

chubby boy. 1069 00:44:57.449 --> 00:44:59.659 Oh, it's a little chubby. He's got a little afro. Okay, 1070 00:44:59.760 --> 00:45:03.099 and then you drew all these weird designs on the side. Yeah, 1071 00:45:03.119 --> 00:45:05.739 it's just my- Right, so you're scratching and scribbling, and 1072 00:45:05.760 --> 00:45:07.619 then I see you texting on your phone, and you're 1073 00:45:07.639 --> 00:45:10.559 like the teenage daughter. I'm trying to explain to you, 1074 00:45:10.599 --> 00:45:13.539 we're in Washington, D.C., and I'm showing you the Lincoln 1075 00:45:13.579 --> 00:45:15.900 Memorial and explaining to you who Abraham Lincoln is, and 1076 00:45:15.940 --> 00:45:18.809 you're on your phone- You know, texting with your friend. 1077 00:45:18.829 --> 00:45:21.030 Doodling again. Yeah, put that down. Put it down. The 1078 00:45:21.050 --> 00:45:22.010 state of the podcast is. 1079 00:45:21.969 --> 00:45:24.000 That the show's doing well, but behind the scenes, it's 1080 00:45:24.039 --> 00:45:24.599 a mess here. 1081 00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:25.119 It's a mess. 1082 00:45:25.159 --> 00:45:28.760 You doodle constantly. Why can't I doodle a little bit? 1083 00:45:29.079 --> 00:45:30.320 I drew a little guy. 1084 00:45:30.340 --> 00:45:33.699 Yeah, but you're not in the moment. I'm always present 1085 00:45:33.719 --> 00:45:35.909 and in the moment. You have an attention problem. You 1086 00:45:35.929 --> 00:45:36.110 know that. 1087 00:45:36.150 --> 00:45:36.409 I do. 1088 00:45:36.429 --> 00:45:36.530 I do. 1089 00:45:37.190 --> 00:45:40.010 But, you know, in my defense, I'm answering emails for 1090 00:45:40.179 --> 00:45:42.119 you because I am your assistant. 1091 00:45:42.139 --> 00:45:44.619 When I do this, I shut my phone off and 1092 00:45:44.639 --> 00:45:46.639 my phone doesn't exist because I'm only doing this. 1093 00:45:46.679 --> 00:45:46.940 All right. 1094 00:45:47.059 --> 00:45:48.420 Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do 1095 00:45:48.440 --> 00:45:51.380 a doodle off. Okay. I'm going to tell you something 1096 00:45:51.420 --> 00:45:53.019 to draw and both of you are going to give 1097 00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:53.840 it your best shot. 1098 00:45:53.900 --> 00:45:54.099 Go. 1099 00:45:54.119 --> 00:45:54.460 Okay. 1100 00:45:55.260 --> 00:45:57.150 A puppy dog with a Christmas bow on it. 1101 00:45:59.159 --> 00:46:01.889 I got this because I draw puppy dogs all the time. 1102 00:46:01.909 --> 00:46:02.170 All right. 1103 00:46:02.190 --> 00:46:02.329 Yeah. 1104 00:46:02.369 --> 00:46:04.389 And go ahead and talk us through your process as well. 1105 00:46:04.849 --> 00:46:06.110 I'm imagining the puppy dog. 1106 00:46:07.150 --> 00:46:10.630 They both have a very interesting, like Sona's just blazing this. 1107 00:46:10.769 --> 00:46:13.010 Yeah, well, she draws puppy dogs all day long. 1108 00:46:13.030 --> 00:46:13.750 That's what I do. 1109 00:46:13.750 --> 00:46:15.449 They're both actually quite good. 1110 00:46:15.989 --> 00:46:17.769 All she does is draw puppy dogs. 1111 00:46:17.869 --> 00:46:21.929 Like Conan is like the New Yorker style kind of artwork. 1112 00:46:22.010 --> 00:46:24.469 James Thurber. Yeah. And he's got a bow on his head. 1113 00:46:24.489 --> 00:46:26.110 It's a Christmas puppy. 1114 00:46:26.510 --> 00:46:27.280 Well, I'm done. 1115 00:46:27.960 --> 00:46:28.280 Whoa. 1116 00:46:28.300 --> 00:46:28.659 All right. 1117 00:46:28.679 --> 00:46:29.820 Let's take a look. Please sign it. 1118 00:46:29.940 --> 00:46:30.460 Please sign it. 1119 00:46:31.099 --> 00:46:31.460 Okay. 1120 00:46:31.559 --> 00:46:32.639 Quite a signature too. 1121 00:46:32.920 --> 00:46:33.159 Wow. 1122 00:46:33.340 --> 00:46:33.519 Yeah. 1123 00:46:33.659 --> 00:46:36.360 I drew, I was under the, we were drawing as 1124 00:46:36.519 --> 00:46:37.539 quickly as possible. 1125 00:46:37.559 --> 00:46:39.980 No one said that. Who said that? 1126 00:46:40.039 --> 00:46:43.320 No one did, but I just, when I heard competition, 1127 00:46:43.360 --> 00:46:45.699 I just immediately started going really fast. 1128 00:46:45.889 --> 00:46:47.340 And Sona, please put your name at the top. 1129 00:46:47.389 --> 00:46:48.699 You know, I'm going to put, I'm going to put 1130 00:46:48.739 --> 00:46:50.610 an extra piece of flair on this guy. 1131 00:46:50.619 --> 00:46:53.150 Oh my God. 1132 00:46:53.369 --> 00:46:56.170 Both of these are impressive. Does yours have a bow 1133 00:46:56.190 --> 00:46:56.570 on it? 1134 00:46:56.670 --> 00:46:57.590 Yeah, he said a bow. 1135 00:46:58.150 --> 00:46:58.489 Oh, it is. 1136 00:46:58.590 --> 00:47:01.239 Okay. All right. Yeah. 1137 00:47:01.380 --> 00:47:01.639 Wow. 1138 00:47:01.820 --> 00:47:05.449 Okay, so here's what we'll do. Go to Earwolf.com to 1139 00:47:05.469 --> 00:47:07.190 the page for this episode and you can see the 1140 00:47:07.250 --> 00:47:11.230 pictures of these drawings and you can vote amongst yourselves 1141 00:47:11.289 --> 00:47:14.329 or on Reddit or wherever you want with friends as 1142 00:47:14.349 --> 00:47:17.550 to whether Sona or Conan did the best dog with 1143 00:47:17.570 --> 00:47:18.590 a bow drawing. 1144 00:47:18.719 --> 00:47:19.840 My little Christmas pup. 1145 00:47:20.699 --> 00:47:21.039 Wow. 1146 00:47:21.880 --> 00:47:23.880 And then can you put your name at the top 1147 00:47:23.900 --> 00:47:26.900 there too as the assignment was clearly laid out. 1148 00:47:27.659 --> 00:47:28.900 Oh, okay. 1149 00:47:29.340 --> 00:47:33.360 You're... Taking a lot from Conan. This is gonna be 1150 00:47:33.420 --> 00:47:35.719 great for people listening on the podcast. 1151 00:47:35.739 --> 00:47:38.139 You know what? Can I say something, Gorley? You're the 1152 00:47:38.199 --> 00:47:42.480 first podcast producer to have people silently draw on the air. 1153 00:47:42.920 --> 00:47:45.059 Probably your downfall. You know, I didn't know. 1154 00:47:45.079 --> 00:47:45.340 You know what?

1155 00:47:45.360 --> 00:47:47.920 Eventually. What's that? You, come on. 1156 00:47:48.199 --> 00:47:48.420 Wow. 1157 00:47:48.800 --> 00:47:51.480 That's not fair. Okay. Mine's funny. Look at the dog. 1158 00:47:51.519 --> 00:47:52.019 He's sad. 1159 00:47:52.059 --> 00:47:52.309 Should I? 1160 00:47:52.380 --> 00:47:52.619 Okay. 1161 00:47:52.639 --> 00:47:54.699 The dog is sad looking at a Christmas tree with 1162 00:47:54.739 --> 00:47:56.820 a thought bubble that says, I'm Jewish. 1163 00:47:57.030 --> 00:47:57.329 Yeah. 1164 00:47:58.010 --> 00:47:58.489 That's funny. 1165 00:47:58.789 --> 00:48:01.989 The owners didn't know his religion. Yeah, they just assumed. 1166 00:48:02.199 --> 00:48:02.409 Yeah. 1167 00:48:02.760 --> 00:48:03.219 So anyway. 1168 00:48:03.340 --> 00:48:06.139 Well, you drew in Sharpie. You have a tree. You 1169 00:48:06.340 --> 00:48:07.500 have like a border. 1170 00:48:07.519 --> 00:48:10.579 Oh, God. You know what? Your generation, all you do 1171 00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:15.250 is cast blame. It's not fair. It's not fair. Where's 1172 00:48:15.289 --> 00:48:19.329 my reality show? Where's my billion dollars? I put the 1173 00:48:19.369 --> 00:48:21.250 work in and I reap the rewards. 1174 00:48:21.329 --> 00:48:21.730 I don't know. 1175 00:48:22.170 --> 00:48:24.409 You're the one who started a show because you didn't 1176 00:48:24.429 --> 00:48:26.679 get enough love and attention as a kid. 1177 00:48:27.389 --> 00:48:28.659 Well, it's working. 1178 00:48:32.019 --> 00:48:35.940 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sona Movsesian and Conan 1179 00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:37.320 O'Brien as himself. 1180 00:48:37.739 --> 00:48:41.519 Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs 1181 00:48:41.579 --> 00:48:44.579 and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and 1182 00:48:44.639 --> 00:48:47.880 Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White and 1183 00:48:47.900 --> 00:48:49.460 the White Stripes for the theme song. 1184 00:48:49.840 --> 00:48:54.039 Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. You can rate and review 1185 00:48:54.099 --> 00:48:56.820 this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your 1186 00:48:56.860 --> 00:49:00.199 review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? 1187 00:49:00.440 --> 00:49:06.980 Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It, too, 1188 00:49:07.039 --> 00:49:09.760 could be featured on a future episode. And if you 1189 00:49:09.780 --> 00:49:12.909 haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend 1190 00:49:13.190 --> 00:49:17.230 on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. 1191 00:49:23.480 --> 00:49:28.440 This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf. 1192 00:49:34.619 --> 00:49:36.679 This family is on the brink of civil war. 1193 00:49:36.840 --> 00:49:41.559 Mobland, the hit original series, is back, exclusively on Paramount +. 1194 00:49:41.329 --> 00:49:43.969 We are the Harrigans. Don't know the name? 1195 00:49:44.070 --> 00:49:44.809 Then Google us. 1196 00:49:44.909 --> 00:49:46.809 From the underworld of Guy Ritchie. 1197 00:49:46.829 --> 00:49:48.730 Do you want to step up the ladder? I want 1198 00:49:48.769 --> 00:49:49.570 Cormac dead. 1199 00:49:49.610 --> 00:49:53.320 Starring Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. 1200 00:49:53.340 --> 00:49:55.260 You want to walk? I'll give you a walk. 1201 00:49:56.119 --> 00:49:58.760 Stream the brand new series of Mobland from 18th of 1202 00:49:58.780 --> 00:50:03.219 September exclusively on Paramount +. Subscription required. 18 plus. T's 1203 00:50:03.260 --> 00:50:03.820 and C's apply.