บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ Madison Beer: Blackmailed With My Nudes

like 81 00:03:24.439 --> 00:03:28.120 in my dad's relationships with new women or my mom 82 00:03:28.180 --> 00:03:30.030 and my dad. I was really lucky that my parents 83 00:03:30.060 --> 00:03:32.759 were able to sort of still have a relationship and 84 00:03:32.810 --> 00:03:34.909 be on good terms and in the same room. I 85 00:03:35.210 --> 00:03:37.490 have friends I grew up with whose parents couldn't even speak. 86 00:03:37.949 --> 00:03:40.639 So I was very grateful for that. But I think 87 00:03:40.659 --> 00:03:43.960 that that was sort of the beginning of aging me 88 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:46.900 really quickly and growing up really fast because I was 89 00:03:46.939 --> 00:03:49.740 just put in sort of adult positions really young. 90 00:03:50.500 --> 00:03:53.349 When you talked about also like being a mediator, I'm 91 00:03:53.409 --> 00:03:57.229 also thinking like I think every time a kid's worst 92 00:03:57.270 --> 00:03:58.849 nightmare is like who the fuck is going to be 93 00:03:58.889 --> 00:04:00.490 my stepmom or my stepdad. 94 00:04:00.909 --> 00:04:01.629 Like multiple. 95 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:05.490 Okay, there you go. Like was it hard for you 96 00:04:05.870 --> 00:04:08.789 to see like your father dating new women? And like, 97 00:04:09.150 --> 00:04:11.550 was that like a weird dynamic for you? 98 00:04:11.569 --> 00:04:13.370 My dad's going to kill me for talking about this. 99 00:04:13.409 --> 00:04:16.750 Love you, dad. It was really, really weird and really, 100 00:04:16.769 --> 00:04:17.310 really hard. 101 00:04:17.350 --> 00:04:20.810 And I think it was hard in ways that my dad, 102 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:24.339 I think, okay, to contextualize growing up, I think we 103 00:04:24.379 --> 00:04:26.259 all have that moment of like, whoa, our parents are 104 00:04:26.300 --> 00:04:27.100 people weird. 105 00:04:27.800 --> 00:04:28.120 Okay. 106 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:30.100 So that's like a moment that I think you have 107 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:33.160 at some point. Now, when I talk about this, I 108 00:04:33.220 --> 00:04:36.000 do look back as a man going through a divorce 109 00:04:36.339 --> 00:04:37.680 who was going through a difficult time. 110 00:04:38.339 --> 00:04:40.000 And I empathize with him in those ways. 111 00:04:40.139 --> 00:04:42.139 But at the same time, I look at myself and 112 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.019 I'm like, I did have to see sort of this like, 113 00:04:44.500 --> 00:04:46.730 he's going to kill me, this like revolving door of women. 114 00:04:46.750 --> 00:04:48.709 And there was a lot of people and, you know, 115 00:04:48.730 --> 00:04:50.610 there was things that I just sort of like had 116 00:04:50.670 --> 00:04:52.569 to see, whether it was like him kissing someone or 117 00:04:52.689 --> 00:04:55.529 even having his arm around someone that was weird. And 118 00:04:55.550 --> 00:04:57.769 of course, I was very protective of my mom and 119 00:04:58.250 --> 00:04:59.269 didn't

want her to be hurt. 120 00:04:59.290 --> 00:04:59.750 Of course. 121 00:05:00.009 --> 00:05:00.170 And. 122 00:05:01.019 --> 00:05:04.230 It was hard for sure. And my dad got remarried once, 123 00:05:04.310 --> 00:05:07.790 but kind of twice. Like he had a very serious, 124 00:05:07.829 --> 00:05:10.790 like six, seven year long relationship after his second wife. 125 00:05:10.910 --> 00:05:11.949 But it was hard. 126 00:05:11.970 --> 00:05:15.029 It definitely also instilled abandonment issues in me very, very 127 00:05:15.089 --> 00:05:18.509 young because I would develop this relationship with this woman 128 00:05:18.529 --> 00:05:20.879 who I sort of was like, oh, you're like. 129 00:05:20.829 --> 00:05:21.759 Kind of my second mom. 130 00:05:21.800 --> 00:05:24.319 And I was actually into it because I enjoyed having 131 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:26.399 these relationships with these like new women. 132 00:05:26.420 --> 00:05:26.879 It was fun. 133 00:05:27.629 --> 00:05:29.319 And then they would– I would just never see them again. 134 00:05:29.339 --> 00:05:30.680 And it was really hard. 135 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:32.319 And I do look back and think that that is 136 00:05:32.339 --> 00:05:33.939 like a lot of why I have maybe these like 137 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:35.980 attachment abandonment issues. 138 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:36.240 Yeah. 139 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:38.790 I also appreciate you saying like my dad is going 140 00:05:38.810 --> 00:05:42.089 to kill me. I think it's a really weird– it's 141 00:05:42.230 --> 00:05:44.769 fucking weird. Like trust me. I sit here and I've 142 00:05:44.790 --> 00:05:47.579 talked about family members and I'm like what the fuck? 143 00:05:47.639 --> 00:05:49.720 And I– But weirdly, on the other end, and I'm 144 00:05:49.740 --> 00:05:51.959 sure you felt this through your music and writing, I 145 00:05:52.540 --> 00:05:54.850 can imagine the amount of young women listening being like, 146 00:05:55.079 --> 00:05:57.949 I'm in it right now, Madison. One of my parents 147 00:05:58.009 --> 00:05:59.949 is going through it. And it's not even to judge 148 00:06:00.029 --> 00:06:02.110 the parent. Again, because we're almost now going to get 149 00:06:02.129 --> 00:06:03.810 to the age where we're the parent and our kids 150 00:06:03.870 --> 00:06:05.509 are going to be like, you fucked me up. 151 00:06:05.550 --> 00:06:05.870 Exactly. 152 00:06:05.910 --> 00:06:08.509 But you can never get over what you saw at 153 00:06:08.550 --> 00:06:12.089 a young age. We're so impressionable. Anything we see that 154 00:06:12.110 --> 00:06:14.740 doesn't fully make sense to us and isn't cut and dry, 155 00:06:14.750 --> 00:06:17.779 it can affect you and you absorb it and it becomes... 156 00:06:17.899 --> 00:06:18.480 who you are. 157 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:20.180 I literally have a song about my dad on my 158 00:06:20.259 --> 00:06:22.839 album and it was sort of uncomfortable because I the 159 00:06:22.860 --> 00:06:24.120 first time I played it for him we were in 160 00:06:24.139 --> 00:06:27.100 a big label meeting with like 30 people and I 161 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:29.740 wanted everyone to know that it was about my dad 162 00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:32.189 because it's quite a beautiful song I kind of am 163 00:06:32.250 --> 00:06:34.129 at a place where I'm like it's okay to write 164 00:06:34.149 --> 00:06:36.389 a song that maybe is like negative because this is 165 00:06:36.410 --> 00:06:37.290 like a sliver. 166 00:06:37.009 --> 00:06:40.009 Of my experience with my dad and he actually took 167 00:06:40.029 --> 00:06:40.889 it well he. 168 00:06:40.769 --> 00:06:42.930 Liked it he was like it's beautiful wait what is 169 00:06:42.949 --> 00:06:45.449 the song um it's a song on my album can 170 00:06:45.490 --> 00:06:46.889 you tell us the song name or no. 171 00:06:49.170 --> 00:06:50.750 It starts with an A, that's all I'll say. 172 00:06:50.870 --> 00:06:52.110 Okay, that's enough, that's enough. 173 00:06:52.129 --> 00:06:52.870 That's all I'll say. 174 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:11.720 Welcome to this Holland and Barrett ad break. 175 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:15.019 Go on, take a moment. 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Sopa Extra 500mg, 188 00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.300 65mg soluble tablets for the treatment of mild to moderate pain. 189 00:07:58.399 --> 00:07:59.139 Always read the leaflet. 190 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:00.199 Those thoughts. 191 00:08:00.660 --> 00:08:01.579 You know the ones I mean. 192 00:08:02.339 --> 00:08:05.240 The doesn't matter, it's nothing thoughts that become kind of 193 00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:08.680 something become a bit much. And day by day, the 194 00:08:08.720 --> 00:08:11.920 world feels heavier and you're holding it together just. 195 00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:14.290 Fine until

suddenly you're not. 196 00:08:14.829 --> 00:08:17.569 You don't have to navigate it alone. Learn how to 197 00:08:17.610 --> 00:08:21.529 manage everyday pressures and unhelpful thoughts with six weekly sessions 198 00:08:21.569 --> 00:08:24.769 from Aware. Find out more about the free resilience program 199 00:08:24.970 --> 00:08:25.910 at aware.ie. 200 00:08:26.410 --> 00:08:26.689 Aware. 201 00:08:27.110 --> 00:08:29.209 This could be the start of something better. 202 00:08:30.329 --> 00:08:33.470 In your memoir, you write about one of the most 203 00:08:33.509 --> 00:08:39.259 traumatic experiences that you experienced in your rise of fame 204 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:43.019 and your career. When you were only 15 years old, 205 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:48.580 you had a nude video leaked and spread across the internet. 206 00:08:48.620 --> 00:08:48.779 Yep. 207 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.539 Can you take us back to that moment, Madison, of like, 208 00:08:54.019 --> 00:08:58.149 when do you remember finding out that this got leaked 209 00:08:58.230 --> 00:08:58.889 and was spreading? 210 00:08:59.809 --> 00:09:03.750 Um, it's unfortunately a memory I'll never be able to shake. 211 00:09:03.990 --> 00:09:08.730 It's remained so vividly to the point where like, I still, 212 00:09:08.870 --> 00:09:10.269 to this day, if I get a call in the 213 00:09:10.309 --> 00:09:12.789 middle of the night, it's, I'm back, I'm 15 again 214 00:09:12.830 --> 00:09:14.480 and I'm in my room and I'm finding out that 215 00:09:14.509 --> 00:09:17.779 this video is out there and it's really scary. Um, 216 00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:25.340 so yeah, so I, yeah, I was 15. I probably 217 00:09:25.379 --> 00:09:28.309 was even maybe 14 when 13 in some of the 218 00:09:28.350 --> 00:09:30.529 videos that exist and I will get to the, where 219 00:09:30.549 --> 00:09:34.169 I'm going with, you know, the multiples. But so of course, 220 00:09:34.610 --> 00:09:37.750 as a young girl, there was a boy that I 221 00:09:38.929 --> 00:09:41.070 liked from back home. And when I was sort of 222 00:09:41.110 --> 00:09:44.120 already like in LA a bit going back and forth, 223 00:09:44.860 --> 00:09:47.539 I started sending videos of myself to him as I 224 00:09:47.580 --> 00:09:50.120 think a lot of people do. And I also won't 225 00:09:50.220 --> 00:09:52.000 like ever convince myself that a lot of people don't 226 00:09:52.059 --> 00:09:54.570 do that because I've seen tweets of people being like, 227 00:09:54.690 --> 00:09:56.250 maybe you shouldn't have been dumb enough to send that 228 00:09:56.269 --> 00:09:56.850 to this person. 229 00:09:56.909 --> 00:09:57.870 And why would you do that? 230 00:09:57.889 --> 00:09:59.110 And I'm like, cause I was a young girl with 231 00:09:59.590 --> 00:10:02.759 also an app called Snapchat that literally deletes the video 232 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:05.139 after you send it. What's the harm in that? I 233 00:10:05.179 --> 00:10:07.679 remember hearing of this thing called Snap Save. And I 234 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:10.320 was like, what the fuck is that? And someone told 235 00:10:10.340 --> 00:10:11.899 me it was an app that you can download that 236 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.240 basically whenever you open a Snapchat, it saves to your 237 00:10:15.259 --> 00:10:18.820 camera roll automatically. And I was like, that can't be real. 238 00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:20.870 Because you know how you get a notification when someone 239 00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:22.610 screen records or takes a screenshot. I was like that 240 00:10:22.690 --> 00:10:28.450 something has to notify you. So I found out that existed, 241 00:10:28.470 --> 00:10:31.070 but I just didn't think that the person I was 242 00:10:31.129 --> 00:10:34.389 sending this stuff to would remotely ever think to do 243 00:10:34.429 --> 00:10:35.500 something like that because. 244 00:10:35.340 --> 00:10:37.759 This was someone I'd known my whole life. So I 245 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:39.679 was wrong, obviously. 246 00:10:40.019 --> 00:10:42.360 When I first, first, first found out that it was 247 00:10:42.940 --> 00:10:45.200 going around, I think I was like in bed or 248 00:10:45.240 --> 00:10:48.950 something and someone had sent it to me and was like, yo... 249 00:10:49.269 --> 00:10:51.350 This is going, I just got this. No, it was like, 250 00:10:51.409 --> 00:10:53.110 I just got this sent to me. And I was like, 251 00:10:53.629 --> 00:10:55.850 who sent it to you? Where did you get this from? 252 00:10:56.750 --> 00:11:00.490 What the fuck? Full, just like, I just couldn't believe 253 00:11:00.509 --> 00:11:01.049 what was going on. 254 00:11:02.049 --> 00:11:05.879 So I'm in crisis mode, just trying to trace it 255 00:11:06.029 --> 00:11:08.700 and do damage control and be like, where did it 256 00:11:08.759 --> 00:11:10.299 come from? Because maybe if I find the source, I 257 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:13.039 can stop this. And I knew in my bones that 258 00:11:13.059 --> 00:11:14.679 the second it was texted to me, it would end 259 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:16.440 up on the internet, unfortunately. 260 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:18.740 And I couldn't run from that fact. 261 00:11:19.539 --> 00:11:24.139 So it went from that to then my friend in 262 00:11:24.220 --> 00:11:26.559 Florida the next day. And this was someone from New 263 00:11:26.580 --> 00:11:28.320 York that originally texted me. My friend in Florida the 264 00:11:28.360 --> 00:11:30.629 next day calls me and immediately, of course, I answer 265 00:11:30.649 --> 00:11:33.350 and I'm like, what's going on? She's like, I just 266 00:11:33.370 --> 00:11:35.210 saw this video of you and she sent me a 267 00:11:35.250 --> 00:11:36.009 different video. 268 00:11:36.429 --> 00:11:41.649 So now there's two. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 269 00:11:41.809 --> 00:11:43.909 And I just knew at. 270 00:11:43.860 --> 00:11:45.740 That point it was spiraling and I knew it was

271 00:11:45.779 --> 00:11:48.360 a matter of time until it got online and. 272 00:11:48.340 --> 00:11:51.840 It was so it was so hard. 273 00:11:51.600 --> 00:11:53.980 To just not tell my mom and like I just 274 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:55.840 didn't know what I did not know what to do 275 00:11:56.860 --> 00:11:59.990 and then that night um was sort of when I 276 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:02.830 got the like no that wasn't even that night it 277 00:12:02.850 --> 00:12:05.909 was that day actually I literally went to dance rehearsals 278 00:12:06.049 --> 00:12:07.950 and I remember I was like with my choreographer and 279 00:12:07.970 --> 00:12:09.870 I was just working on like dance movement or something 280 00:12:09.909 --> 00:12:13.159 for a show And it was on Twitter and it 281 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:14.799 was just there and I was just looking at it 282 00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:16.740 and I remember just dropping to the floor. 283 00:12:16.500 --> 00:12:18.259 And being like, oh my God, what do I do? 284 00:12:19.179 --> 00:12:22.470 And I reached out to the person who posted it 285 00:12:22.620 --> 00:12:25.419 and begged them to delete it and they just blocked 286 00:12:25.490 --> 00:12:28.090 me straight up, just blocked me immediately. And then now 287 00:12:28.129 --> 00:12:31.090 I'm staring at this gray screen with a dull username 288 00:12:31.110 --> 00:12:34.629 and I'm like, I just feel powerless. 289 00:12:34.269 --> 00:12:34.889 In the moment. 290 00:12:35.090 --> 00:12:37.830 And then I'm just sitting and typing my name in 291 00:12:38.389 --> 00:12:41.149 quotation marks on Twitter to see everything people are saying 292 00:12:41.210 --> 00:12:43.090 about me and just refreshing in real time. 293 00:12:43.149 --> 00:12:45.129 And it was just everywhere. 294 00:12:45.169 --> 00:12:47.070 And then it was on vine and it was just, 295 00:12:47.269 --> 00:12:51.240 it was just on every social media platform possible so quickly. 296 00:12:51.259 --> 00:12:55.440 And, uh, I didn't. 297 00:12:56.559 --> 00:12:59.059 Realize until like years later that I, I was the 298 00:12:59.100 --> 00:13:00.259 victim in the situation. 299 00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:02.889 And, um, I don't know. 300 00:13:02.909 --> 00:13:05.580 There's just so many, there's so many things I can 301 00:13:05.639 --> 00:13:08.019 say about it. And I think that some people who 302 00:13:08.059 --> 00:13:11.440 maybe haven't gone through it or men don't understand how 303 00:13:11.620 --> 00:13:14.700 truly like traumatizing something like this can be, especially for 304 00:13:14.740 --> 00:13:17.419 a minor. So when I talk about it, like I've 305 00:13:17.460 --> 00:13:19.700 had people of course sympathize and be like, that's horrible. 306 00:13:19.740 --> 00:13:22.720 But I've also had people be like, who cares? 307 00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:24.460 Okay. 308 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:24.779 Yeah. 309 00:13:25.419 --> 00:13:30.299 I'm so sorry. First of all, it's like disgusting that 310 00:13:31.789 --> 00:13:33.649 Did you reach out to the kid that you were 311 00:13:33.669 --> 00:13:34.529 sending this shit to? 312 00:13:34.690 --> 00:13:37.549 Yeah, I did. And I was just really disappointed. 313 00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:39.129 What did he say? 314 00:13:39.570 --> 00:13:42.250 He just denied that he did anything. And I was like, well, 315 00:13:42.269 --> 00:13:44.929 you're the only person that I sent these things to. 316 00:13:45.169 --> 00:13:47.340 So it also then just continued to get worse. 317 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:49.559 So then other videos. 318 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:52.200 Would be uploaded that would be girls that I could 319 00:13:52.259 --> 00:13:54.659 sort of see a resemblance of. They maybe looked like 320 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:56.840 me a bit. And people would think it was me. 321 00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:00.019 And then I was put in this position where that 322 00:14:00.039 --> 00:14:02.350 I couldn't admit to one video and deny the rest. 323 00:14:02.509 --> 00:14:04.990 And again, being 15 years old, I just denied it 324 00:14:05.110 --> 00:14:07.250 all being me. I was like, this isn't me. It's 325 00:14:07.450 --> 00:14:09.610 full stop, just not me. Because I was also at 326 00:14:09.649 --> 00:14:12.490 the time, the adults around me were telling me that 327 00:14:12.509 --> 00:14:15.549 it was bad and it was going to ruin my career. 328 00:14:15.629 --> 00:14:17.779 And oh my goodness, this is just horrible. And I 329 00:14:17.820 --> 00:14:20.620 remember like, you know, when we were younger, like Miley 330 00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:23.240 Cyrus had that video of her smoking a bong going viral. 331 00:14:23.299 --> 00:14:25.940 And I remember thinking to myself, something like that at 332 00:14:25.980 --> 00:14:27.980 the time was really negative. 333 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:28.070 Yes. 334 00:14:28.590 --> 00:14:31.639 That if I'm like naked in something, that's a million 335 00:14:31.700 --> 00:14:33.899 times worse. And I just remember I kept thinking about 336 00:14:33.940 --> 00:14:36.960 that and just being like, I'm done, I'm finished. And 337 00:14:37.779 --> 00:14:40.759 it was so, so hard for so long. And I 338 00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:43.409 felt like the whole world had seen this video. And 339 00:14:44.529 --> 00:14:46.769 I also had, this is also the beginning of having 340 00:14:46.809 --> 00:14:53.250 like real triggerable PTSD from the situation. Because right when 341 00:14:53.289 --> 00:14:56.279 I sort of started a couple weeks later, being able 342 00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:58.940 to breathe again and being like, okay, it's dying down. 343 00:14:58.980 --> 00:15:01.179 The internet's finding something else to like fixate on. I 344 00:15:01.539 --> 00:15:04.379 got an anonymous text message, like literally like I was 345 00:15:04.419 --> 00:15:07.929 in fucking pretty little liars. That was a picture of 346 00:15:07.950 --> 00:15:11.809 a computer screen with like 50 videos on it

that 347 00:15:11.830 --> 00:15:14.990 were all like little. And I'm looking at this and I, 348 00:15:15.149 --> 00:15:17.629 and it's blurry, but I can see exactly what it is. 349 00:15:17.769 --> 00:15:19.889 And again, for anyone out there who's like, that's a 350 00:15:19.929 --> 00:15:22.610 lot of videos. I was a young horny kid that 351 00:15:22.649 --> 00:15:25.129 like sent videos to a guy that I liked, like, 352 00:15:25.450 --> 00:15:27.070 I'm not going to let anyone shame me for it 353 00:15:27.090 --> 00:15:28.029 because it is what it is. 354 00:15:28.090 --> 00:15:29.730 But like it was a lot. 355 00:15:29.990 --> 00:15:33.309 And I just like was staring at this and I 356 00:15:33.450 --> 00:15:36.750 couldn't believe that they had everything I had ever sent. 357 00:15:36.769 --> 00:15:38.320 And I know that in some of these videos, again, 358 00:15:38.340 --> 00:15:40.320 I'm like 13, 14, 15. These are like– I'm not 359 00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:42.360 talking about a day. Like these are years worth of 360 00:15:42.379 --> 00:15:43.679 like nudes. 361 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:46.419 I'm sending to this kid. So that just instilled a 362 00:15:46.500 --> 00:15:48.139 whole other level of paranoia. 363 00:15:48.179 --> 00:15:50.970 Am I being watched? Does someone have my Snapchat hacked? 364 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:52.789 Like what is going on right now? 365 00:15:52.809 --> 00:15:53.029 Right. 366 00:15:53.980 --> 00:15:57.000 I think what was the most like difficult part was 367 00:15:57.179 --> 00:15:59.879 knowing in my bones that I wasn't the one who 368 00:15:59.899 --> 00:16:02.000 was at fault, that the boy who betrayed my trust 369 00:16:02.059 --> 00:16:04.720 was the one who should be at fault. But that 370 00:16:04.740 --> 00:16:07.120 was also me learning very quickly that like men and 371 00:16:07.139 --> 00:16:08.779 women get treated very differently. 372 00:16:09.259 --> 00:16:11.909 I appreciate you saying that because as you were saying 373 00:16:11.950 --> 00:16:14.590 like I love that you said like I'm not ashamed. 374 00:16:14.629 --> 00:16:17.730 Like it's so sick and sad. There's so many people 375 00:16:17.929 --> 00:16:20.909 that may listen to this and being like– It's her fault. Like, 376 00:16:20.929 --> 00:16:23.289 why would you send that shit? You said you could 377 00:16:23.330 --> 00:16:26.980 fill one fucking computer. I could have filled 20, Madison. 378 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:28.960 It's like, and like, we're all young women that are like, 379 00:16:29.240 --> 00:16:30.600 we get Snapchat, social media. 380 00:16:30.700 --> 00:16:31.820 We're like exploring our bodies. 381 00:16:32.049 --> 00:16:33.590 We feel good. We're going to take a picture. A 382 00:16:33.590 --> 00:16:34.809 lot of us are going to take a picture. 383 00:16:35.009 --> 00:16:37.070 And there is something to be said also of like, 384 00:16:37.250 --> 00:16:39.289 I remember there were moments of like kind of peer 385 00:16:39.330

--> 00:16:41.470 pressure of like the guy you're talking to is asking 386 00:16:41.509 --> 00:16:44.129 for it. And you're like, I feel uncomfortable. Like I 387 00:16:44.190 --> 00:16:45.570 want to like impress him. 388 00:16:45.629 --> 00:16:47.250 So like if I don't do it, another girl will 389 00:16:47.309 --> 00:16:47.850 like all that. 390 00:16:47.870 --> 00:16:49.690 And then you start sending it and then it opens 391 00:16:49.769 --> 00:16:52.210 up the floodgates and it's like, it doesn't stop. And 392 00:16:52.230 --> 00:16:55.370 I appreciate you clarifying though. And like, we will get 393 00:16:55.409 --> 00:16:58.009 to that in a little bit of like, you are 394 00:16:58.029 --> 00:17:01.620 the victim here. Could you not have pressed charges on 395 00:17:01.659 --> 00:17:02.100 this kid? 396 00:17:03.860 --> 00:17:05.799 I could have, I think. 397 00:17:06.660 --> 00:17:09.660 But I feel like maybe this is a downfall to me, 398 00:17:09.700 --> 00:17:11.970 but I look at it as a, I guess, good thing, 399 00:17:12.009 --> 00:17:13.690 even though maybe there are people in my life who 400 00:17:13.849 --> 00:17:15.849 should be held accountable for things. I just feel like 401 00:17:15.869 --> 00:17:18.529 we were so young, and he was a young boy, 402 00:17:18.769 --> 00:17:19.569 and he. 403 00:17:19.509 --> 00:17:23.599 Was 14, 15 years old himself. I just, as much 404 00:17:23.640 --> 00:17:26.059 as I was hurt, I don't know. I don't hold it. 405 00:17:26.769 --> 00:17:29.210 Against him and maybe that's wrong but I just don't 406 00:17:29.289 --> 00:17:31.829 think I don't think that he's evil I think that 407 00:17:31.849 --> 00:17:34.009 the people who are evil are the people who he 408 00:17:34.029 --> 00:17:35.809 didn't post it on the internet I think he saved 409 00:17:35.869 --> 00:17:37.890 it to show his guy friends and look and act 410 00:17:37.970 --> 00:17:41.349 cool which is wrong and not saying that that's okay 411 00:17:41.509 --> 00:17:44.289 at all but he was so young I think he 412 00:17:44.309 --> 00:17:47.349 was just like look like yeah hot girl sending me 413 00:17:47.410 --> 00:17:49.849 nudes I really just don't think it was malicious and 414 00:17:49.869 --> 00:17:51.519 that's been something that I've had to come to that 415 00:17:51.579 --> 00:17:53.819 place because I have seen people do evil shit I've 416 00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:56.190 had people in the last So on my 21st birthday 417 00:17:56.210 --> 00:17:58.539 was when I like posted on International Women's Day saying 418 00:17:58.759 --> 00:18:01.460 sort of like I take back the anxiety and the 419 00:18:01.500 --> 00:18:03.259 shame that I felt all these years and I don't 420 00:18:03.299 --> 00:18:05.799 let– I'm not letting anyone control me because I had 421 00:18:05.819 --> 00:18:08.779 someone threatening me at that time being like I'm going 422 00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:09.519 to leak this. 423 00:18:09.880 --> 00:18:10.720 You're a whore. 424 00:18:11.029 --> 00:18:13.819 Everyone's going to know. All this stuff and that was– 425 00:18:13.930 --> 00:18:16.210 to me like that is a malicious person that is 426 00:18:16.309 --> 00:18:19.450 trying to use like revenge porn. I don't think that 427 00:18:19.490 --> 00:18:21.349 the guy who did this was doing that to me 428 00:18:21.609 --> 00:18:22.970 and I know people are going to be like. 429 00:18:22.890 --> 00:18:23.849 That's crazy girl. 430 00:18:23.869 --> 00:18:24.049 No, no, no. 431 00:18:24.779 --> 00:18:26.799 To back you up there, at first I will say 432 00:18:26.819 --> 00:18:27.640 my jaw dropped. 433 00:18:27.420 --> 00:18:27.789 A little bit. 434 00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:28.440 Yeah, I know, I know. 435 00:18:28.480 --> 00:18:29.619 I'm like, fuck that motherfucker. 436 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:30.559 He should be in jail. 437 00:18:30.680 --> 00:18:33.420 I get what you're saying. Again, we're having a conversation 438 00:18:33.460 --> 00:18:36.859 about minors. So I think it's like, I get what 439 00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:39.920 you're saying where there is also a bro culture that 440 00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:42.359 has been instilled of him being able to puff his 441 00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:45.619 chest around the kids in elementary school, middle school, high 442 00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:48.220 school to be like, look, I got these nudes. But 443 00:18:48.259 --> 00:18:51.039 it wasn't his intent to then be like, I want 444 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:54.160 the world to see this. There was no... again this 445 00:18:54.220 --> 00:18:57.849 is though a fucking psa to any men or young 446 00:18:57.890 --> 00:19:01.309 boys listening like this can ruin someone's fucking life. 447 00:19:01.150 --> 00:19:04.289 Many girls have committed suicide over this i attempted to 448 00:19:04.369 --> 00:19:06.390 over this this was something that was like weighing on 449 00:19:06.410 --> 00:19:09.380 me for years and years of just like it just 450 00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:13.299 also was like i felt so betrayed and like not 451 00:19:13.339 --> 00:19:15.859 even by yes by him but also by like. 452 00:19:16.339 --> 00:19:18.180 A girl was the person who first uploaded it. 453 00:19:18.220 --> 00:19:20.140 I know for a fact, because we like traced, I 454 00:19:20.140 --> 00:19:21.940 had to hire, so also I discussed this in my book, 455 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:23.720 I had to hire a web sheriff as something that 456 00:19:23.740 --> 00:19:27.250 I didn't even know existed. Out of my own money, 457 00:19:27.470 --> 00:19:30.150 every dollar I'd earned up until that point in my career, 458 00:19:30.170 --> 00:19:32.650 I then spent on clearing this and scrubbing it from 459 00:19:32.670 --> 00:19:34.789 the internet. And something that I want to like bring 460 00:19:34.809 --> 00:19:37.759 this conversation back to is that I am hopeful that 461 00:19:37.880 --> 00:19:42.259 now the internet would protect a 14, 15 year old 462 00:19:42.299 -->

00:19:44.160 girl who had something like this happen. I think it 463 00:19:44.180 --> 00:19:48.609 would be removed on TikTok instantaneously, removed on Twitter instantaneously. 464 00:19:48.630 --> 00:19:49.970 I didn't get that. 465 00:19:50.099 --> 00:19:50.519 Privilege. 466 00:19:50.539 --> 00:19:53.500 And I think it was just a different time in 2014. 467 00:19:53.500 --> 00:19:55.799 And people had. 468 00:19:55.859 --> 00:19:59.799 Little to no compassion for me specifically. And yeah, I 469 00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:01.720 sort of just got the sharp end of the stick 470 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:05.299 that was like really difficult. And it was spreading on, 471 00:20:05.420 --> 00:20:08.059 I remember specifically Twitter and Vine, like wildfire and just 472 00:20:08.099 --> 00:20:10.819 people Not one person. 473 00:20:10.619 --> 00:20:14.200 Was like, isn't this girl a minor? Isn't she really young? 474 00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:17.539 Like no one said that. It was horrible. 475 00:20:17.740 --> 00:20:24.119 Okay. Also to just people that weren't obviously there had 476 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:27.920 to read this. Like, can you remember like what was 477 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:31.029 being said on the internet about you at that time? 478 00:20:31.400 --> 00:20:36.130 Well, first of all, of course, so much endless like 479 00:20:36.190 --> 00:20:40.579 sexualization of just even grown men participating in the conversation 480 00:20:40.619 --> 00:20:42.160 of like, oh, I want to fuck her and she 481 00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:42.799 looks so. 482 00:20:43.039 --> 00:20:44.240 Hot and this and that. 483 00:20:44.259 --> 00:20:47.480 And it's funny when you, obviously when you're young, you 484 00:20:47.500 --> 00:20:50.220 don't realize how young you really are. And so I 485 00:20:50.259 --> 00:20:53.039 didn't at the time, I knew it was inappropriate, but 486 00:20:53.079 --> 00:20:56.220 I wasn't as shocked and disgusted as I am now. 487 00:20:56.309 --> 00:20:59.890 But I do remember, warning for the graphicness, I remember 488 00:20:59.930 --> 00:21:02.509 there was a video that I saw and it's one 489 00:21:02.529 --> 00:21:04.049 of those things that like once you click it, like 490 00:21:04.309 --> 00:21:06.410 you're like sort of in this trance of like, oh 491 00:21:06.430 --> 00:21:10.039 my God. This guy had the video, one of them, 492 00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:14.059 on his TV in his room and had like a 493 00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:18.480 sex doll. And he was just like having aggressive sex 494 00:21:18.579 --> 00:21:22.119 with this sex doll while watching this video of me 495 00:21:22.240 --> 00:21:23.660 of a 14-year-old little girl. 496 00:21:23.700 --> 00:21:25.539 And it was a grown man, like visibly a grown adult. 497 00:21:25.980 --> 00:21:30.660 And I remember just like first of all being reminded 498 00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:33.099 of being sexually abused as a child. And I was 499 00:21:33.140 --> 00:21:35.509 like– I couldn't like take

my eyes off of it 500 00:21:35.529 --> 00:21:37.799 because of how– shocking it was that was also like 501 00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:39.759 the day I discovered what like being triggered was um 502 00:21:41.160 --> 00:21:44.430 and I was just it was I had so many 503 00:21:44.569 --> 00:21:47.289 feelings and emotions of like just like that image will 504 00:21:47.329 --> 00:21:49.789 never leave my head I was so disturbed by it 505 00:21:49.849 --> 00:21:53.690 and so afraid I felt so unsafe and just like 506 00:21:53.950 --> 00:21:59.359 scared and there was so many layers of like peeling 507 00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:01.400 the onion of that of how that made me feel 508 00:22:01.619 --> 00:22:05.420 and again like just no no one saying. 509 00:22:05.180 --> 00:22:08.890 That it was wrong There's so many things to unpack. 510 00:22:09.029 --> 00:22:09.250 Yeah. 511 00:22:09.549 --> 00:22:09.970 There's a lot. 512 00:22:11.230 --> 00:22:15.890 You talk about in your memoir kind of how like 513 00:22:16.569 --> 00:22:20.509 all of these people are online. They're calling you a whore. 514 00:22:20.549 --> 00:22:23.970 They're slut shaming you. They're talking about you. You're a minor. 515 00:22:23.990 --> 00:22:24.079 Yeah. 516 00:22:25.420 --> 00:22:28.299 I also vividly remember the scene. It like made me 517 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:31.140 want to vomit of it could have been like a 518 00:22:31.140 --> 00:22:33.299 45 year old man or like a full grown man 519 00:22:34.259 --> 00:22:38.289 getting off to you. again as a fucking minor yep 520 00:22:39.470 --> 00:22:43.410 and henry sit down come here henry oh he goes 521 00:22:43.450 --> 00:22:48.039 back um you mentioned in the book that you were 522 00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:51.200 abused as a child and i thought it was really 523 00:22:52.619 --> 00:22:56.240 sad but like insightful to hear you talk about like 524 00:22:57.180 --> 00:23:00.539 These comments that were being said to you, of course 525 00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:03.740 they were so hurtful, but what people didn't understand was 526 00:23:04.079 --> 00:23:07.019 how fucking painful they were for you to be called 527 00:23:07.059 --> 00:23:08.779 a slut and a whore. 528 00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:09.220 Yeah. 529 00:23:10.140 --> 00:23:14.160 And yet you are looking at yourself, barely have ever 530 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:16.880 been in a sexual relationship at this point in your life. 531 00:23:16.920 --> 00:23:17.119 Yeah. 532 00:23:18.960 --> 00:23:21.380 Can you go back a little to your childhood and 533 00:23:21.859 --> 00:23:23.480 as much as you're comfortable sharing? 534 00:23:23.500 --> 00:23:23.579 Yeah. 535 00:23:25.529 --> 00:23:28.309 How how did you like handle what happened to you 536 00:23:28.349 --> 00:23:29.329 and like how old were. 537 00:23:29.210 --> 00:23:32.490 You yeah I think that I never have spoken about 538 00:23:32.569 --> 00:23:34.930 anything like this up until now because I just didn't 539 00:23:35.059 --> 00:23:37.299 feel like there was a platform or a place to 540 00:23:37.339 --> 00:23:39.500 do it that felt appropriate and that's why I felt 541 00:23:39.519 --> 00:23:41.500 like the book was a great place to do it 542 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:43.779 and I didn't want to go too much in detail 543 00:23:43.819 --> 00:23:45.140 because you can't really put a trigger warning on a 544 00:23:45.180 --> 00:23:46.960 book so I just wanted to sort of like allude 545 00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:51.740 to that um Well, OK, so firstly, yeah, there was, 546 00:23:51.980 --> 00:23:54.680 you know, someone in my childhood that was around me 547 00:23:54.920 --> 00:23:57.559 frequently that sort of would that I had an inappropriate 548 00:23:57.579 --> 00:23:59.400 relationship with very early on. 549 00:23:59.420 --> 00:24:04.500 I would say like probably I don't even know. I 550 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:07.700 would say maybe six, seven. I'm not sure it sort 551 00:24:07.740 --> 00:24:08.259 of began. 552 00:24:08.339 --> 00:24:13.349 And I've also like I want to say like I've 553 00:24:13.410 --> 00:24:16.150 come to peace with this because I feel like in 554 00:24:17.460 --> 00:24:20.000 talking in person with some people about this. I've been 555 00:24:20.039 --> 00:24:22.359 able to create, I've been able to like join this 556 00:24:22.420 --> 00:24:25.700 community of women specifically that I feel really proud to like. 557 00:24:25.569 --> 00:24:26.950 Stand amongst genuinely. 558 00:24:27.369 --> 00:24:31.890 So I remember feeling really dirty after like all of 559 00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:35.490 anything I would endure, whether it was like whatever it was. 560 00:24:35.769 --> 00:24:38.970 And I just remember like feeling like I had done 561 00:24:39.029 --> 00:24:43.769 something wrong, not being able to fully articulate what, I 562 00:24:43.809 --> 00:24:44.049 don't know. 563 00:24:44.089 --> 00:24:49.470 I feel like I just look back And being. 564 00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:53.039 Someone who had gone through all of this so privately, 565 00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:56.240 whereas like my own family didn't even know about this until, 566 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:58.799 I mean, this might be news to like some people 567 00:24:58.819 --> 00:25:01.519 in my family, but like my mom, I didn't even 568 00:25:01.539 --> 00:25:03.059 tell my mom until years later. 569 00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:04.660 Who was the first person you told? 570 00:25:06.900 --> 00:25:12.160 Man, my ex-boyfriend was the first person I told. I 571 00:25:13.420 --> 00:25:14.079 think like ever. 572 00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.849 I sort of also blocked it out for a really 573 00:25:17.880 --> 00:25:19.650 long time and I didn't want to accept that it 574 00:25:19.690 --> 00:25:23.390 had happened. Dating that person and having like everyone on 575 00:25:23.430 --> 00:25:26.049 the online, you know, call me names like a slut 576 00:25:26.109 --> 00:25:29.890 or a whore and stuff when in reality he was 577

00:25:29.970 --> 00:25:32.509 the first person who ever laid a finger on me 578 00:25:32.589 --> 00:25:35.009 consensually for a fact. 579 00:25:35.450 --> 00:25:36.369 And it was. 580 00:25:36.369 --> 00:25:39.430 Really difficult to have people, especially like people who would 581 00:25:39.470 --> 00:25:42.740 speculate about, you know, all the other guys that I 582 00:25:42.980 --> 00:25:45.640 had in theory hooked up with when they were actually 583 00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:48.380 just my friends I never hooked up with any of 584 00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:50.029 them I might have like kissed one or two of 585 00:25:50.069 --> 00:25:52.710 them but that was like the extent of it and 586 00:25:53.069 --> 00:25:54.950 people were just like oh she slept with all of 587 00:25:55.009 --> 00:25:58.380 them and she did this and I'm like whoa, you 588 00:25:58.400 --> 00:25:59.160 guys don't even know. 589 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:00.380 It took me so long. 590 00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:02.559 To like have sex with my first boyfriend because I 591 00:26:02.599 --> 00:26:06.740 was so afraid and like traumatized. So it just goes 592 00:26:06.759 --> 00:26:08.680 to show that people really have no idea what the 593 00:26:08.700 --> 00:26:09.640 fuck they're talking about. 594 00:26:09.660 --> 00:26:12.970 No, I agree. It's like there was such like this 595 00:26:13.029 --> 00:26:16.170 like sexualization of you on the internet. Like I remember 596 00:26:16.750 --> 00:26:19.450 doing research for this, like looking up that first kind 597 00:26:19.470 --> 00:26:22.210 of public relationship that you had and this kid had 598 00:26:22.230 --> 00:26:24.450 a following and you had a following. Again, how old 599 00:26:24.470 --> 00:26:24.819 were you? 600 00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:26.559 Like 15 when we started dating. 601 00:26:26.700 --> 00:26:26.940 Okay. 602 00:26:27.660 --> 00:26:29.980 And so it's like we have this incident, which I 603 00:26:30.039 --> 00:26:31.880 do want to go back to because I do think 604 00:26:31.940 --> 00:26:37.900 sadly so many women actually experience revenge porn and blackmail. 605 00:26:38.380 --> 00:26:41.880 But then you have this multiple moments where you're then 606 00:26:41.960 --> 00:26:44.900 dating this kid and there's people on the Internet slut 607 00:26:44.920 --> 00:26:47.529 shaming you being like, she's a whore. She's fucked his 608 00:26:47.619 --> 00:26:52.950 friends again as a child. having been abused, then having 609 00:26:53.190 --> 00:26:56.670 the most violating experience with your nudes and then having 610 00:26:56.710 --> 00:27:00.349 people look at your like romantic relationship. None of this 611 00:27:00.410 --> 00:27:03.130 is any accountability to any man in any of these situations. 612 00:27:03.230 --> 00:27:06.759 It's you, you and your body and like the fixation 613 00:27:06.819 --> 00:27:10.579 on you. It's so fucking sick. And like, it makes 614 00:27:10.619 --> 00:27:13.339 me so upset because again, it's like, and I not 615 00:27:13.380 --> 00:27:15.160 back to the kid that released your nudes, but it 616 00:27:15.240 --> 00:27:19.569 is kind of like, where is any accountability for any 617 00:27:19.630 --> 00:27:20.930 men in this situation. 618 00:27:20.569 --> 00:27:23.160 Well in this society we don't hold men accountable it's 619 00:27:23.180 --> 00:27:26.220 like even have you been seeing this like whenever there's 620 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:29.109 like a girl who posts sexual things online they're like 621 00:27:29.309 --> 00:27:32.309 fatherless behavior I'm like why are you blaming the girl 622 00:27:32.450 --> 00:27:33.529 if she doesn't have a father? 623 00:27:33.609 --> 00:27:35.069 Why are we not blaming a father who walked out 624 00:27:35.109 --> 00:27:37.059 on their child, potentially? Question marks. 625 00:27:37.430 --> 00:27:38.819 It's full question marks. 626 00:27:38.859 --> 00:27:41.299 It's just always, like, it's how I think it's, it's just, 627 00:27:41.400 --> 00:27:43.079 and I think there's things like that that we've become 628 00:27:43.259 --> 00:27:46.779 so accustomed to that we don't even realize. These are 629 00:27:46.859 --> 00:27:49.380 men who will comment, like, fatherless behavior, and I'm like, 630 00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:52.420 do you not realize that you're, like, you're saying something horrible? Like, 631 00:27:52.519 --> 00:27:54.460 the call is coming from within the fucking house. 632 00:27:54.980 --> 00:27:57.240 What are we talking about? Why are you blaming a girl? 633 00:27:57.299 --> 00:27:58.440 You're saying, okay, so you're saying. 634 00:27:59.869 --> 00:28:02.539 That this girl turned out this way, which you're, again, 635 00:28:02.579 --> 00:28:05.240 portraying as negative, yet you're also addicted to fucking porn 636 00:28:05.259 --> 00:28:07.519 and like, let's not even get into that. So you're gonna, 637 00:28:07.660 --> 00:28:12.279 you're gonna then blame and shame a girl who's posting 638 00:28:12.299 --> 00:28:16.190 with like her boobs looking whatever and say fatherless behavior, 639 00:28:16.210 --> 00:28:17.829 but we're not gonna talk about the fact that you're 640 00:28:18.109 --> 00:28:21.460 not discussing that maybe a, parent actually did walk out 641 00:28:21.500 --> 00:28:23.680 on this little girl and that's horrible right like what 642 00:28:23.700 --> 00:28:25.349 the fuck are you saying I'm sorry. 643 00:28:25.269 --> 00:28:27.529 No no no it's fine no I get upset too 644 00:28:27.549 --> 00:28:30.329 because it's like back to this whole exploitation of your 645 00:28:30.450 --> 00:28:35.069 life I guess I didn't ask you like how how 646 00:28:35.170 --> 00:28:38.250 did you tell your family when all this was going down. 647 00:28:38.509 --> 00:28:40.650 It's like another really fucked up story that like you 648 00:28:40.710 --> 00:28:43.210 actually won't even believe sometimes and I have to laugh 649 00:28:43.230 --> 00:28:47.519 at this point

because I'm like my ex-boyfriend's snapchat got hacked. 650 00:28:48.230 --> 00:28:51.980 And I'm on FaceTime with him. And I'm like, hey, babe, 651 00:28:52.039 --> 00:28:54.779 why are you typing to me on Snapchat? Because he 652 00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:56.299 sends you a notification when you're typing. 653 00:28:56.619 --> 00:28:58.299 And he's like, I'm not. And he goes and opens 654 00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:02.410 Snapchat and he's logged out. Our conversation about a week 655 00:29:02.509 --> 00:29:04.890 prior that we used to save all of our conversations, 656 00:29:04.910 --> 00:29:06.849 like even if they were ones that we wanted to delete, 657 00:29:06.890 --> 00:29:11.339 we would save them, whatever. So he types to me 658 00:29:11.380 --> 00:29:15.119 a message that says, basically, I hacked Snapchat. this person's 659 00:29:15.160 --> 00:29:18.339 Snapchat and I know that you were R worded and 660 00:29:18.359 --> 00:29:20.240 I'm going to tell the entire internet if you don't 661 00:29:20.420 --> 00:29:22.390 follow me on Instagram and like do X, Y, and Z. 662 00:29:23.279 --> 00:29:26.319 And I was like, what the fuck? 663 00:29:26.460 --> 00:29:29.500 And I'd only told him this in person like a 664 00:29:29.529 --> 00:29:31.930 couple months prior, but we were talking about it on 665 00:29:31.970 --> 00:29:33.309 Snapchat because something had happened. 666 00:29:33.349 --> 00:29:35.450 I forget what obviously that upset me. 667 00:29:35.569 --> 00:29:37.289 And I was just talking to him about like, you know, 668 00:29:37.349 --> 00:29:39.869 because this happened, I feel really upset. 669 00:29:39.549 --> 00:29:39.950 And dah, dah, dah. 670 00:29:41.220 --> 00:29:44.880 And I was now being threatened to release, basically to 671 00:29:45.079 --> 00:29:47.220 do things, to shout this person out on Instagram and 672 00:29:47.269 --> 00:29:49.670 to do things online to benefit this guy or else 673 00:29:49.710 --> 00:29:51.390 he was going to leak this information to the public. 674 00:29:51.430 --> 00:29:53.789 So in that moment, I was like, well, this isn't 675 00:29:53.829 --> 00:29:55.069 how I want my mom to find out. 676 00:29:55.839 --> 00:29:57.619 So I had to call my mom and be like, hey, 677 00:29:57.920 --> 00:29:59.380 something might end up on the internet that I think 678 00:29:59.400 --> 00:29:59.960 you should know. 679 00:29:59.980 --> 00:30:00.069 Yeah. 680 00:30:01.710 --> 00:30:05.150 That's why I just laugh because I'm like. Madison. It's 681 00:30:05.170 --> 00:30:05.730 just crazy. 682 00:30:05.829 --> 00:30:06.849 I know. 683 00:30:06.910 --> 00:30:07.250 Unreal. 684 00:30:07.269 --> 00:30:09.569 Sorry to confirm. That was over the nudes or the 685 00:30:09.630 --> 00:30:10.730 sexual abuse when you were younger? 686 00:30:10.849 --> 00:30:11.230 No, that was. 687 00:30:11.289 --> 00:30:13.250 Yeah, that was over the sexual abuse when I was younger. 688 00:30:13.269 --> 00:30:16.710 It was literally someone threatening to leak it online. And 689 00:30:16.910 --> 00:30:19.490 my mother had no idea that I ever endured any 690 00:30:19.529 --> 00:30:20.809 of that. So I literally had to call her on 691 00:30:20.829 --> 00:30:21.190 the phone. 692 00:30:21.230 --> 00:30:22.109 What the fuck? 693 00:30:22.990 --> 00:30:24.369 I just can't. No, I get what you mean, though. 694 00:30:24.390 --> 00:30:27.710 You almost have to like. laugh through it because I 695 00:30:27.849 --> 00:30:30.210 obviously know I've. 696 00:30:30.109 --> 00:30:32.970 Cried enough yes I've cried enough yeah my whole like 697 00:30:33.049 --> 00:30:35.730 past 10 years have been not even my past 24 698 00:30:35.730 --> 00:30:38.069 years have been filled with tears that I'm like I'm 699 00:30:38.089 --> 00:30:39.829 at the point where I've just accepted things and I'm 700 00:30:39.869 --> 00:30:43.119 just like I feel like I've made lemonade out of 701 00:30:43.140 --> 00:30:44.700 lemons and I feel like I'm a good person and 702 00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:46.960 I feel like in a fucked up way all of 703 00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:52.440 these experiences have shaped me to be better that I'm 704 00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:55.200 like I also want to say that like there's there's 705 00:30:55.799 --> 00:30:58.380 I think that because I'm coming across like lighthearted about this, 706 00:30:58.440 --> 00:31:00.980 I obviously want to say that this is something with 707 00:31:01.019 --> 00:31:03.109 like extensive therapy that I've been able to have the 708 00:31:03.140 --> 00:31:05.450 perspective of like, I do believe, I don't want to 709 00:31:05.470 --> 00:31:07.390 say everything happens for a reason because the biggest thing 710 00:31:07.430 --> 00:31:09.430 I say in my book is that just because I 711 00:31:09.609 --> 00:31:12.089 endured these things and turned out okay and I was 712 00:31:12.170 --> 00:31:14.670 able to turn these things into, in the most fucked 713 00:31:14.690 --> 00:31:17.220 up way, a positive, it doesn't mean I should have 714 00:31:17.240 --> 00:31:18.799 had to go through them. And that's been the biggest 715 00:31:18.839 --> 00:31:20.960 thing with therapy that I've learned is being able to 716 00:31:21.000 --> 00:31:23.339 tell myself like you didn't deserve these things. And just 717 00:31:23.380 --> 00:31:26.039 because you've done just because you've shouldered them gracefully and 718 00:31:26.059 --> 00:31:28.900 you've been able to like survive doesn't mean you should 719 00:31:28.940 --> 00:31:31.079 have gone through them. Just because you're able to talk 720 00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:33.690 about it and hopefully help other people does not fucking 721 00:31:33.710 --> 00:31:37.009 mean that anyone nor myself should have gone through these things. 722 00:31:37.049 --> 00:31:38.369 So that's something that I've been able to just like 723 00:31:38.390 --> 00:31:40.710 give myself. So I want anyone watching or listening to 724 00:31:40.750 --> 00:31:43.210

know that I'm at peace with these things. But I 725 00:31:43.250 --> 00:31:46.009 still like, literally two nights ago, I was so triggered 726 00:31:46.029 --> 00:31:48.460 and so upset about something that happened that I like 727 00:31:48.539 --> 00:31:50.680 was dissociating and didn't know where I was and was 728 00:31:50.700 --> 00:31:53.059 like very afraid and felt like a little girl again. 729 00:31:53.099 --> 00:31:55.779 Like I have a lot of, issues still that i'm 730 00:31:56.119 --> 00:31:57.769 very much so working through so i don't want people 731 00:31:57.789 --> 00:32:00.569 to think i'm just like haha okay about it i just. 732 00:32:00.450 --> 00:32:03.269 Can't um yeah i just i just can't. 733 00:32:03.069 --> 00:32:04.630 Like break down and cry about it every time because 734 00:32:04.670 --> 00:32:07.069 i'm just at a place where i'm like you know. 735 00:32:07.029 --> 00:32:08.650 It yeah it is it sort of just is what 736 00:32:08.670 --> 00:32:09.019 it is. 737 00:32:09.410 --> 00:32:12.420 What you don't have to tell me you can be 738 00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:15.660 like next but like can you do you mind sharing 739 00:32:15.700 --> 00:32:17.660 like what is it that would trigger you like the 740 00:32:17.700 --> 00:32:20.160 other day like what makes you dissociate and go into. 741 00:32:19.980 --> 00:32:28.119 A I'm really petrified of the dark, which I have 742 00:32:28.140 --> 00:32:31.170 a hard time saying publicly because I feel like the paranoia, 743 00:32:31.250 --> 00:32:34.109 I have also horrible paranoia, which as you can see why, um, 744 00:32:35.849 --> 00:32:38.390 the paranoia and me think someone's going to purposely do 745 00:32:38.430 --> 00:32:41.349 that to me and put me in a dark room 746 00:32:41.430 --> 00:32:43.299 or a dark place and just like want to see 747 00:32:43.339 --> 00:32:44.099 me suffer. 748 00:32:44.500 --> 00:32:46.910 Um, so that's like why I've never really talked about it. 749 00:32:46.960 --> 00:32:50.700 But I also discussed in the book, like on tour, 750 00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:54.779 we'll have the, obviously we have blackouts after every song. 751 00:32:55.849 --> 00:32:58.390 I had to do like submersion therapy almost where I 752 00:32:58.430 --> 00:33:00.470 was like– I had to like work myself up to 753 00:33:00.490 --> 00:33:03.730 going from like a 0.5-second blackout to a 3-second blackout 754 00:33:03.769 --> 00:33:06.079 and being able to sort of be okay in those moments. 755 00:33:06.470 --> 00:33:08.420 And I had to literally like submerse myself in it 756 00:33:08.480 --> 00:33:10.059 and like get through that. And that was something I 757 00:33:10.099 --> 00:33:11.940 worked on with my therapist before I went on tour. 758 00:33:13.339 --> 00:33:16.220 And now I have this like simple yet effective thing 759 00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:18.380 where like I just– I like sort of do this 760 00:33:18.420 --> 00:33:19.420 and it helps like ground me. 761 00:33:19.480 --> 00:33:20.099 It's weird. 762 00:33:21.140 --> 00:33:23.509 And I also– people don't really see, but when I 763 00:33:23.549 --> 00:33:25.650 do have a blackout, there will be people on both 764 00:33:25.670 --> 00:33:27.250 sides of the stage with some sort of form of 765 00:33:27.309 --> 00:33:30.279 light that just helps remind me where I am because 766 00:33:30.299 --> 00:33:31.859 I can just get like lost in it. And sometimes 767 00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:33.960 I'll feel like I'm in, you know, the place that 768 00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:37.880 I was abused and whatnot. So I just need something 769 00:33:37.940 --> 00:33:40.940 to kind of ground me, whether it's like, okay, I'm here. 770 00:33:40.980 --> 00:33:43.009 I'm at my show. I hear my fans screaming. I'm okay. 771 00:33:43.140 --> 00:33:45.289 Or like looking to the side of the stage and 772 00:33:45.329 --> 00:33:47.190 seeing like, there's a, there's one song I have called 773 00:33:47.210 --> 00:33:49.529 sour times that has like quite a long blackout at 774 00:33:49.549 --> 00:33:53.039 the And if you look at videos, you'll sort of 775 00:33:53.079 --> 00:33:55.039 always see me looking off to the left or right 776 00:33:55.140 --> 00:33:55.839 at my dancers. 777 00:33:55.880 --> 00:33:59.299 Cause if I know people are there, I'm okay. Um, 778 00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:02.640 but I have such an amazing, what's helped me so 779 00:34:02.680 --> 00:34:04.049 much is I have such amazing. 780 00:34:03.849 --> 00:34:07.750 Friends and family and relationships with people that like, for example, 781 00:34:07.769 --> 00:34:09.650 when I go to like universal, if I'm in a 782 00:34:09.690 --> 00:34:12.429 dark ride, someone will just hold my hand and be like, 783 00:34:12.710 --> 00:34:14.110 I'm here with you and it's okay. 784 00:34:14.150 --> 00:34:15.289 And it's so nice. 785 00:34:15.429 --> 00:34:17.940 And to have people that just sort of don't make 786 00:34:17.980 --> 00:34:19.820 it like oh she's so dramatic or she doesn't because 787 00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:21.860 I'm not going to also go into depth and explain 788 00:34:21.880 --> 00:34:25.460 to everyone what happened or hey just let letting everyone 789 00:34:25.480 --> 00:34:26.780 know I'm really scared of the dark and don't ask 790 00:34:26.820 --> 00:34:28.719 why it's just not something I care to really make 791 00:34:28.820 --> 00:34:31.019 public or talk about so it's really nice when I 792 00:34:31.059 --> 00:34:33.820 have someone who's able to just yeah be like hey 793 00:34:33.860 --> 00:34:34.480 I'm here and you're. 794 00:34:34.380 --> 00:34:38.380 Good one I appreciate and like we are like talking 795 00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:40.840 like in bits like people have to go read your 796 00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:46.260 book because like you did such an incredible job bringing 797 00:34:46.360 --> 00:34:51.110 us through everything you've been through but the amount of 798 00:34:51.269 --> 00:34:54.110 women that have had some

type of sexual violence or 799 00:34:54.150 --> 00:34:59.909 sexual abuse like is there anything that has specifically helped 800 00:34:59.969 --> 00:35:02.050 you cope that you could share with people that are 801 00:35:02.150 --> 00:35:06.110 also kind of in this like really deep healing journey 802 00:35:06.150 --> 00:35:08.789 right now and trying to find a way to keep going. 803 00:35:08.449 --> 00:35:12.369 I mean there's so many things I can say I 804 00:35:12.590 --> 00:35:15.059 think that there's Yeah. 805 00:35:15.099 --> 00:35:16.980 There's like endless things I can talk about. 806 00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:20.619 I think everyone's also situation is very specific to them. 807 00:35:20.659 --> 00:35:22.599 So it's hard to give like a marginalized, like this 808 00:35:22.840 --> 00:35:26.699 helped me. I know that like setting boundaries, it sounds vague, 809 00:35:26.719 --> 00:35:28.880 but that's been super huge for me is just being 810 00:35:28.920 --> 00:35:31.320 able to be like, Hey, I'm uncomfortable with the topic 811 00:35:31.340 --> 00:35:33.480 of discussion here. Like I don't want to be in 812 00:35:33.519 --> 00:35:35.900 this room where that person makes me uncomfortable. Like just 813 00:35:35.920 --> 00:35:38.079 little things like that. And being able to, I always say, 814 00:35:38.099 --> 00:35:39.980 be your own best friend and look out for yourself 815 00:35:40.019 --> 00:35:41.699 the same way you would look out for your best friend. 816 00:35:42.710 --> 00:35:43.510 Is really helpful. 817 00:35:43.630 --> 00:35:46.699 And I think just being patient, it took me years 818 00:35:46.780 --> 00:35:49.400 and years to be able to even discuss this. Like, 819 00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:51.360 I think that anyone who's a fan of mine is 820 00:35:51.380 --> 00:35:52.440 going to be like, what? 821 00:35:52.519 --> 00:35:53.239 We had no idea. 822 00:35:53.280 --> 00:35:55.800 And I've been very open and candid about a lot 823 00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:59.039 of things that I've gone through. But this has never 824 00:35:59.099 --> 00:36:01.159 been something that I've been ready to talk about. 825 00:36:02.219 --> 00:36:05.769 And yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's all, it's 826 00:36:05.889 --> 00:36:07.710 all a journey. There's no right answer. 827 00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:10.559 There's nothing that anyone could say to like make it 828 00:36:10.980 --> 00:36:14.510 okay or go away. And I think just, yeah, I 829 00:36:14.550 --> 00:36:18.269 don't know. Hopefully like wishing anyone who's listening to find 830 00:36:18.329 --> 00:36:21.929 peace someday. It's, it's really hard and it's, I don't know. There's, 831 00:36:21.969 --> 00:36:24.030 there's no, there's literally nothing I can say. 832 00:36:24.070 --> 00:36:25.090 It's like very difficult. 833 00:36:25.170 --> 00:36:25.369 Yeah. 834 00:36:25.449 --> 00:36:29.250 You mentioned while you were talking about everything with what 835 00:36:29.269 --> 00:36:31.429 happened with the nudes, which I think is like very 836 00:36:31.510 --> 00:36:36.110 fucking important to talk about is people behind computer screens 837 00:36:36.289 --> 00:36:39.519 have a, fucking forgotten on their little fake accounts or 838 00:36:39.619 --> 00:36:42.159 even their main accounts if they are, like, shameless. 839 00:36:42.440 --> 00:36:42.900 Literally. 840 00:36:43.119 --> 00:36:47.030 They have, like... We have forgotten... Even if you're posting 841 00:36:47.070 --> 00:36:49.489 something that's, like, funny and then you're like, was that insensitive? 842 00:36:49.750 --> 00:36:53.349 We have forgotten because social media has completely desensitized us 843 00:36:54.210 --> 00:37:00.210 how hurtful things can be. And it... There is not even, like, 844 00:37:00.309 --> 00:37:02.739 enough hours in the day for us to have this conversation, 845 00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:07.780 but you just... said casually you were like and that 846 00:37:07.880 --> 00:37:12.119 also led me to attempting to take my own life 847 00:37:12.260 --> 00:37:16.030 and like and I I just want to talk about 848 00:37:16.070 --> 00:37:19.510 that for a minute because it's like it's so fucking 849 00:37:19.590 --> 00:37:22.349 real you fucking lived it and you can talk about 850 00:37:22.389 --> 00:37:24.920 it but it's like We have to talk about it 851 00:37:24.980 --> 00:37:28.469 because like people need to fucking realize what their words 852 00:37:28.550 --> 00:37:30.769 can do. And so you sitting there by yourself as 853 00:37:30.809 --> 00:37:34.309 a minor going through this shit, like it's so sick. 854 00:37:34.389 --> 00:37:38.630 Like can you try to articulate and it's not your 855 00:37:38.670 --> 00:37:40.690 job to like write the wrongs of people, but maybe 856 00:37:40.710 --> 00:37:42.849 there's someone listening that will like never write a negative 857 00:37:42.889 --> 00:37:45.530 comment again because like you're someone sitting here that has 858 00:37:45.889 --> 00:37:50.159 endured so much online bullying. Like where do you go 859 00:37:50.219 --> 00:37:52.400 when those type of comments come on your feed and 860 00:37:52.460 --> 00:37:53.400 come on your posts? 861 00:37:54.789 --> 00:37:59.349 I think that it's something that I still unfortunately struggle 862 00:37:59.389 --> 00:38:01.969 with which should speak volumes to anyone out there who 863 00:38:02.280 --> 00:38:03.719 you know I don't want to say is a hater 864 00:38:03.980 --> 00:38:06.880 but is a hater not only to me to anyone 865 00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.019 it's been over 10 years and I still have not 866 00:38:10.059 --> 00:38:13.679 gotten used to it I recently like walked a carpet 867 00:38:13.719 --> 00:38:15.650 and people just had like a million negative things to 868 00:38:15.670 --> 00:38:17.289 say about like my body and like how I looked 869 00:38:17.329 --> 00:38:19.130 and it was like really hurtful and I had a 870 00:38:19.150 --> 00:38:22.429 panic attack

about it and so I think Again, it's 871 00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:23.750 something that you never get used to. 872 00:38:23.769 --> 00:38:26.650 I was raised, because I was raised. 873 00:38:26.489 --> 00:38:29.010 In the industry, to be told and to tell people 874 00:38:29.070 --> 00:38:31.840 it doesn't affect you and you're strong. And it was 875 00:38:31.880 --> 00:38:34.059 sort of, and it was done with the right intention, 876 00:38:34.099 --> 00:38:37.659 I believe, of you want to be a good role 877 00:38:37.679 --> 00:38:39.500 model for your fans and let them think that you're 878 00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:42.320 this strong individual that doesn't let things get to them, 879 00:38:42.340 --> 00:38:44.929 which is what I want my fans to think and 880 00:38:44.949 --> 00:38:46.550 people who look up to me, whatever. 881 00:38:47.630 --> 00:38:49.469 But it felt so.... 882 00:38:51.269 --> 00:38:53.849 Disingenuous to me and I was like it does get 883 00:38:53.909 --> 00:38:55.769 to me though and I spend every night crying my 884 00:38:55.849 --> 00:38:58.590 eyes out because people are so vicious that I don't 885 00:38:59.250 --> 00:39:01.429 feel right when an interviewer is like how do you 886 00:39:01.449 --> 00:39:03.489 deal with hate I'm like it doesn't affect me it's 887 00:39:03.570 --> 00:39:06.099 fine I was like this needs to be something that 888 00:39:06.119 --> 00:39:10.639 I'm honest about so I just stopped with that nonsense 889 00:39:10.659 --> 00:39:12.179 because I felt like it was really silly and I 890 00:39:12.219 --> 00:39:14.059 felt like I owed it to people to know that 891 00:39:14.079 --> 00:39:15.780 their words hurt and even if that's honestly what they 892 00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:18.679 wanted to hear because some of them probably got satisfaction 893 00:39:18.820 --> 00:39:22.269 hearing that I was affected by their words but it's important. 894 00:39:22.289 --> 00:39:24.199 I think it's never going to end. I think people should. 895 00:39:24.099 --> 00:39:26.679 Know that your words have power. 896 00:39:26.980 --> 00:39:30.599 I think that people's digital footprints should be more serious 897 00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:34.280 that say things like kill yourself to people and you 898 00:39:34.300 --> 00:39:36.429 know there's also people who I've spoken to who haven't 899 00:39:36.510 --> 00:39:38.190 ever dealt with it who are like just turn your 900 00:39:38.210 --> 00:39:39.469 phone off why do you even read it I'm like 901 00:39:39.510 --> 00:39:42.659 it's not that simple and especially someone like me who 902 00:39:42.679 --> 00:39:46.300 has been unfortunately scrolling and scrolling through hate comments since 903 00:39:46.340 --> 00:39:48.280 I was 12 years old. It's become like part of 904 00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:50.539 my nature to seek out what people have to say 905 00:39:50.599 --> 00:39:53.260 about me. And it's been something, because I'm also just 906 00:39:53.699 --> 00:39:56.750 like being completely genuine. I'm someone who does care about 907 00:39:56.769 --> 00:39:59.070 what people think about me. Like I pride myself on 908 00:39:59.110 --> 00:40:02.190 being a kind individual who has a good heart that 909 00:40:02.210 --> 00:40:04.230 like wants to make people feel good. I think that 910 00:40:04.250 --> 00:40:06.010 that's what life is about. And I want people to 911 00:40:06.050 --> 00:40:08.619 be happy when they're around me. And I, whatever the 912 00:40:08.639 --> 00:40:11.909 fuck it is, like, that's something that's really important to 913 00:40:11.949 --> 00:40:12.349 me and has. 914 00:40:12.269 --> 00:40:14.210 Been deeply ingrained in me as a human being. 915 00:40:14.269 --> 00:40:17.289 So when I read tens of thousands of comments of 916 00:40:17.329 --> 00:40:20.590 people saying things that I know are so far from 917 00:40:20.610 --> 00:40:23.360 the truth about me and my character, it bothers me 918 00:40:23.780 --> 00:40:25.280 and I can't help but look and I can't help 919 00:40:25.320 --> 00:40:26.269 but be upset by it. 920 00:40:26.300 --> 00:40:28.539 And it sucks. And I wish I didn't care, but 921 00:40:28.840 --> 00:40:29.099 I do. 922 00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:33.380 Yeah. That was something in your book that I was like, fuck, 923 00:40:33.440 --> 00:40:36.519 this is dark because it was like, you were like 924 00:40:36.960 --> 00:40:41.030 at that age at, 15 14 when those were released 925 00:40:41.489 --> 00:40:44.530 you were like i was using all of my money 926 00:40:44.550 --> 00:40:46.090 to have this person try to get them off the 927 00:40:46.110 --> 00:40:49.840 internet but you were personally going through each website each 928 00:40:49.909 --> 00:40:52.679 forum getting the link and sending them to this guy 929 00:40:52.940 --> 00:40:55.780 so you are having to watch the man jerking off 930 00:40:55.840 --> 00:40:59.079 fucking the doll everything you were seeing everything everything and 931 00:40:59.570 --> 00:41:04.449 to have that level of violation of to then paranoia 932 00:41:04.639 --> 00:41:07.380 and then to have to read every fucking comment and 933 00:41:07.400 --> 00:41:08.940 looking like, what do they say? What do they say? 934 00:41:09.380 --> 00:41:13.659 I don't think people understand. I understand it's like, oh, 935 00:41:13.699 --> 00:41:16.340 what was you? You choose this life. If there was 936 00:41:16.380 --> 00:41:18.800 a fucking forum, I want everyone to pause for a minute. 937 00:41:19.159 --> 00:41:21.659 If there was a forum that you knew, you're sitting 938 00:41:21.679 --> 00:41:24.010 at home right now, if you knew someone was writing 939 00:41:24.070 --> 00:41:27.550 things about you, 10 out of 10 times you're fucking clicking. 940 00:41:27.570 --> 00:41:29.809 Well, it's funny because I'll have like friends of mine 941 00:41:29.869 --> 00:41:32.440 who will say like, Similar things of like, well, you know, 942 00:41:32.539 --> 00:41:34.539 you sort of like

chose this and if you can't 943 00:41:34.599 --> 00:41:36.219 handle it, you shouldn't be in your position. 944 00:41:36.239 --> 00:41:38.219 I'm like, well, why does being in my position mean 945 00:41:38.280 --> 00:41:39.059 I have to endure abuse? 946 00:41:39.340 --> 00:41:41.590 You talked about this red carpet moment and I feel 947 00:41:41.630 --> 00:41:44.590 like there's so many people that are so fucking fascinated 948 00:41:44.650 --> 00:41:48.190 by your looks and your body. And what you are doing. 949 00:41:48.250 --> 00:41:49.750 And people have so much to say about it. It's like, 950 00:41:50.130 --> 00:41:52.809 fuck you. You look perfect. Fuck you. You're setting an 951 00:41:52.929 --> 00:41:57.280 unrealistic beauty standard. There's all these people. But I'm like, okay, 952 00:41:57.340 --> 00:42:00.239 let's pause for five seconds about like what anyone else 953 00:42:00.300 --> 00:42:05.289 fucking thinks. How do you feel about your body image 954 00:42:05.630 --> 00:42:07.309 and your sexuality now? 955 00:42:08.349 --> 00:42:12.449 I think that it's... It's very hard. I mean, it 956 00:42:12.489 --> 00:42:16.059 was something that was scrutinized publicly for so long. But 957 00:42:16.079 --> 00:42:17.900 it's again, it goes into, I think, being a woman 958 00:42:17.960 --> 00:42:20.539 and people objectifying you and looking at you as just 959 00:42:20.659 --> 00:42:22.940 a pretty face and nothing more. And if you ask 960 00:42:22.980 --> 00:42:24.980 a man to name three women who inspire him, like 961 00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:27.039 he probably is going to have a very difficult time 962 00:42:27.079 --> 00:42:29.150 doing so. And obviously there are some men who can. 963 00:42:29.710 --> 00:42:31.070 There are a lot of men who can't. And I 964 00:42:31.110 --> 00:42:35.010 think that society in general objectifies women and makes them 965 00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:39.590 to be not talented enough, not smart enough, not good enough. 966 00:42:40.530 --> 00:42:43.150 not articulate enough. And I just, I don't know. I 967 00:42:43.190 --> 00:42:45.110 feel like it does sort of like feed into all 968 00:42:45.130 --> 00:42:46.949 of it. I feel like it's interlocked in this weird 969 00:42:46.989 --> 00:42:47.969 misogynistic way. 970 00:42:48.030 --> 00:42:49.050 And I don't know. 971 00:42:49.389 --> 00:42:52.849 No, I, I completely agree. I think like listening to 972 00:42:52.929 --> 00:42:56.250 everything that you've said, reading your memoir, like it feels 973 00:42:57.849 --> 00:43:03.019 really disheartening of like the lack of protection you had 974 00:43:03.059 --> 00:43:13.260 as a And there's this like sense of entitlement that 975 00:43:13.340 --> 00:43:19.059 men have over women and our bodies. And we essentially 976 00:43:19.119 --> 00:43:21.519 come into this world and it almost feels like we 977 00:43:21.559 --> 00:43:23.440 have no autonomy over our bodies. 978 00:43:23.460 --> 00:43:23.659 None. 979 00:43:24.179 --> 00:43:26.400 Look at the fucking abortion issue we just dealt with. 980 00:43:26.440 --> 00:43:30.880 Like it is really sad. And I think– and you 981 00:43:30.900 --> 00:43:32.579 don't have to comment on this but like it's the 982 00:43:32.659 --> 00:43:36.820 truth– Then there's a different level also for like a 983 00:43:36.940 --> 00:43:40.480 very attractive woman. Like we just watched the Pamela Anderson 984 00:43:40.519 --> 00:43:54.699 doc and it's like the world also believes– And it's 985 00:43:55.019 --> 00:44:00.010 so dehumanizing. And it is also completely stripping you of 986 00:44:00.090 --> 00:44:03.769 your ability to feel like you're going to be seen 987 00:44:03.869 --> 00:44:06.809 and heard for what you've been through. And it is like. 988 00:44:07.599 --> 00:44:10.519 I fucking hate everyone. It's really difficult. It's like, I 989 00:44:10.519 --> 00:44:12.849 want to like scream when I have this conversation. 990 00:44:12.869 --> 00:44:14.989 I want to scream all the time, all hours of 991 00:44:15.010 --> 00:44:15.849 the day. 992 00:44:16.030 --> 00:44:17.010 It's awful. 993 00:44:17.369 --> 00:44:19.789 I just don't think that men ever get that same 994 00:44:19.869 --> 00:44:22.860 level of like objectification of like, you're just something pretty 995 00:44:22.880 --> 00:44:24.739 to look at. And I'm like, but i feel like 996 00:44:24.760 --> 00:44:26.719 i have a lot to show that isn't just that 997 00:44:26.800 --> 00:44:28.719 it's always the i'm like i have a platinum single 998 00:44:28.880 --> 00:44:30.739 right the fuck thank you it's. 999 00:44:30.659 --> 00:44:33.260 Like oh god she seems angry i am i am. 1000 00:44:33.260 --> 00:44:35.650 Angry literally generational and. 1001 00:44:35.829 --> 00:44:38.230 We're two white women sitting here so it's like the 1002 00:44:38.250 --> 00:44:42.429 fucking layers that go underneath it of like women minorities 1003 00:44:42.590 --> 00:44:45.809 underprivileged like it's never ending it's never ending so everyone 1004 00:44:45.829 --> 00:44:48.599 that has a penis listening to this just fucking hear 1005 00:44:48.679 --> 00:44:49.880 us a little bit today. 1006 00:44:49.659 --> 00:45:09.900 Seriously Welcome to this Holland & Barrett ad break. 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contribute to the 1015 00:45:35.150 --> 00:45:36.590 reduction of tiredness and fatigue. 1016 00:45:36.989 --> 00:45:37.670 Those thoughts. 1017 00:45:38.130 --> 00:45:40.949 You know the ones I mean. The doesn't matter, it's 1018 00:45:41.010 --> 00:45:44.289 nothing thoughts that become kind of something become a bit much. 1019 00:45:45.269 --> 00:45:48.050 And day by day, the world feels heavier and you're 1020 00:45:48.070 --> 00:45:49.400 holding it together just. 1021 00:45:49.239 --> 00:45:51.760 Fine until suddenly you're not. 1022 00:45:52.300 --> 00:45:55.039 You don't have to navigate it alone. Learn how to 1023 00:45:55.079 --> 00:45:59.000 manage everyday pressures and unhelpful thoughts with six weekly sessions 1024 00:45:59.039 --> 00:46:02.260 from Aware. Find out more about the free resilience program 1025 00:46:02.460 --> 00:46:03.380 at aware.ie. 1026 00:46:03.880 --> 00:46:04.179 Aware. 1027 00:46:04.579 --> 00:46:06.679 This could be the start of something better. 1028 00:46:07.760 --> 00:46:11.079 In your memoir, you write, and I just think it's 1029 00:46:11.119 --> 00:46:14.840 important to read this because a lot of what we've 1030 00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:18.010 talked about, this is an interesting summation of how you 1031 00:46:18.050 --> 00:46:21.670 wrote this. You said, it feels like my entire life's 1032 00:46:21.730 --> 00:46:26.130 journey thus far has been a perfectly crafted cocktail of 1033 00:46:26.230 --> 00:46:30.969 situations that landed me at this borderline personality diagnosis. As 1034 00:46:31.050 --> 00:46:34.260 if my biography could be written and titled, how to 1035 00:46:34.300 --> 00:46:39.929 give someone BPD, a step-by-step guide. What do you want 1036 00:46:40.010 --> 00:46:42.630 people to understand from you writing that? 1037 00:46:43.469 --> 00:46:45.309 I think that when I read, you know, when you 1038 00:46:45.349 --> 00:46:47.719 read something about like your astrological sign, you're like, that's 1039 00:46:47.800 --> 00:46:51.159 so me. I feel like when I first discovered not 1040 00:46:51.219 --> 00:46:55.500 only what BPD was, but how one can become diagnosed 1041 00:46:55.539 --> 00:46:57.440 with it or what the things that have to sort 1042 00:46:57.480 --> 00:47:01.230 of happen to a young developing mind in order to whatever, um, 1043 00:47:02.599 --> 00:47:06.409 I literally was like, this feels scripted. It felt humorous 1044 00:47:06.449 --> 00:47:08.070 to me because I was like, this is just such 1045 00:47:08.170 --> 00:47:11.650 a recipe for disaster, honestly. And I just, I knew 1046 00:47:11.670 --> 00:47:15.619 that it was the right diagnosis for me when I 1047 00:47:15.659 --> 00:47:17.639 was diagnosed with it because, of course, it just felt 1048 00:47:17.719 --> 00:47:18.300 so right. 1049 00:47:18.360 --> 00:47:20.940 But I just, yeah, I couldn't, it just felt like 1050 00:47:20.960 --> 00:47:22.679 I was like, was this the. 1051 00:47:22.639 --> 00:47:24.760 Goal

in my life was for people to like give 1052 00:47:24.820 --> 00:47:26.070 me this disorder? 1053 00:47:26.150 --> 00:47:27.329 I don't understand it. 1054 00:47:27.329 --> 00:47:27.469 Yeah. 1055 00:47:28.980 --> 00:47:32.539 Yeah, I don't know. It's very strained. 1056 00:47:32.679 --> 00:47:34.739 I mean, there's so many different stigmas around so many 1057 00:47:34.980 --> 00:47:39.980 different mental health disorders or things people are going through. 1058 00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:43.800 But specifically with BPD, I think there's such a lack 1059 00:47:43.889 --> 00:47:47.429 of education around this topic. And I do appreciate you 1060 00:47:47.469 --> 00:47:53.230 saying how to give someone BPD. Not that any mental 1061 00:47:53.269 --> 00:47:55.130 health disorder is anyone's fault, but this is not something 1062 00:47:55.150 --> 00:47:56.989 you were born with. This happened to you. 1063 00:47:57.190 --> 00:47:57.769 Yeah, it developed. 1064 00:47:58.119 --> 00:48:01.780 And it develops through trauma and childhood. And so like, 1065 00:48:02.119 --> 00:48:04.699 I appreciate you writing this because it's like, let's have 1066 00:48:04.739 --> 00:48:08.400 a little fucking empathy and compassion when someone says that 1067 00:48:08.460 --> 00:48:12.719 they are struggling or they have BPD. Like, that's actually 1068 00:48:13.380 --> 00:48:16.119 such a. great way to start a conversation with someone 1069 00:48:16.159 --> 00:48:17.909 of like, I'm here for you. Like, I want to 1070 00:48:17.949 --> 00:48:19.829 listen to you. I want to understand you. I want 1071 00:48:19.849 --> 00:48:21.730 to understand what you've been through. Like, you're not a 1072 00:48:21.750 --> 00:48:24.849 bad fucking person. You're a wonderful person with a great 1073 00:48:24.949 --> 00:48:26.829 heart and you had a lot of fucking shit happen 1074 00:48:26.849 --> 00:48:28.690 to you. But like, I just felt like the way 1075 00:48:28.710 --> 00:48:31.469 that you wrote it, people don't understand it. And I 1076 00:48:31.550 --> 00:48:33.409 really appreciated the way that you said that of like 1077 00:48:33.550 --> 00:48:36.340 how to give someone it, like this shit happened to you, 1078 00:48:36.780 --> 00:48:39.320 but you're alive and you're here and you've like powered through. 1079 00:48:39.340 --> 00:48:39.800 Thankfully. 1080 00:48:39.840 --> 00:48:40.179 Yeah. 1081 00:48:40.239 --> 00:48:42.739 And it's, it's, I really appreciate you saying that. It's 1082 00:48:42.760 --> 00:48:45.929 just hard to, It's hard to like think about my 1083 00:48:45.969 --> 00:48:49.090 younger self. Sometimes I get really emotional about it because 1084 00:48:49.150 --> 00:48:51.809 I just feel like I, of course, I'm really grateful 1085 00:48:51.829 --> 00:48:53.510 for the place that I'm in and I'm really grateful 1086 00:48:53.530 --> 00:48:55.329 for like the insight that I've been given. 1087 00:48:55.150 --> 00:48:56.750 And all of that stuff. 1088 00:48:56.829 -->

00:48:59.889 But I just, I think about my younger self who, 1089 00:49:02.190 --> 00:49:04.809 it just, I don't, yeah, there was so many times 1090 00:49:04.829 --> 00:49:06.869 where it felt like the only way out was to 1091 00:49:06.989 --> 00:49:11.179 end it. And I just, I don't know. 1092 00:49:11.239 --> 00:49:12.110 I just feel like I. 1093 00:49:13.969 --> 00:49:15.480 I'm grateful for sure for. 1094 00:49:17.079 --> 00:49:19.789 Everything because I feel like I wouldn't be the person 1095 00:49:19.829 --> 00:49:24.139 I am today if literally everything didn't happen but it's 1096 00:49:24.199 --> 00:49:26.150 hard to come to terms with a lot of these 1097 00:49:26.210 --> 00:49:28.250 things and I it's hard to not feel bitter I 1098 00:49:28.289 --> 00:49:31.329 think towards people because and that's the biggest thing that 1099 00:49:31.369 --> 00:49:33.309 like my therapist who's amazing always says to me and 1100 00:49:33.349 --> 00:49:36.730 she's like I'm so glad that you've never turned cold 1101 00:49:36.809 --> 00:49:39.110 to people and you're still like warm and fuzzy and 1102 00:49:39.150 --> 00:49:41.030 friendly and you want to be friends with everyone and 1103 00:49:41.269 --> 00:49:43.809 you still have like faith in people, but it's a lot. 1104 00:49:43.869 --> 00:49:44.909 It's hard. It's a hard journey. 1105 00:49:45.139 --> 00:49:48.679 I'm happy I read the book because I am too. Again, you, 1106 00:49:49.139 --> 00:49:52.260 there's so many good things in your life and there's 1107 00:49:52.320 --> 00:49:55.599 really hard moments and you write about a lot of 1108 00:49:55.699 --> 00:50:00.480 heavy stuff in here about like multiple times thinking about 1109 00:50:00.559 --> 00:50:04.250 or trying to take your life. Yeah. And In the 1110 00:50:04.309 --> 00:50:06.659 summer of 2019, you wrote about how it was, like, 1111 00:50:07.030 --> 00:50:09.639 the best part of your career. You were at a 1112 00:50:09.659 --> 00:50:12.800 career high, but, like, personally, you had never been lower. 1113 00:50:12.820 --> 00:50:13.239 Yeah. 1114 00:50:13.639 --> 00:50:14.880 What were you going through? 1115 00:50:16.300 --> 00:50:18.159 That was the year that I started to really face 1116 00:50:18.360 --> 00:50:21.880 everything that had happened to me in my younger years, 1117 00:50:21.960 --> 00:50:24.440 whether it's, like, coming to terms that so many people 1118 00:50:24.480 --> 00:50:27.460 have the wrong idea of me or the sexual abuse 1119 00:50:27.539 --> 00:50:30.000 or people have naked pictures of me. There were so 1120 00:50:30.019 --> 00:50:32.039 many things that I felt like were just, like, really– 1121 00:50:32.269 --> 00:50:34.949 catching up with me. I also, that was the age 1122 00:50:34.969 --> 00:50:36.489 that I started to feel a lot of guilt around 1123 00:50:36.530 --> 00:50:39.800 my little brother because I feel like I sort of 1124 00:50:40.030 --> 00:50:42.739 uprooted and changed his life without him

having any say 1125 00:50:42.780 --> 00:50:44.840 over it. And I still feel guilt surrounding that to 1126 00:50:44.880 --> 00:50:46.760 this day because I know how it was to get 1127 00:50:46.820 --> 00:50:49.460 my childhood sort of taken from me in ways that 1128 00:50:49.539 --> 00:50:49.960 he didn't. 1129 00:50:49.840 --> 00:50:50.679 Even have a choice. 1130 00:50:50.840 --> 00:50:53.239 It was like, you're just along for the ride. And 1131 00:50:53.320 --> 00:50:55.980 I feel so sorry for that to this day. 1132 00:50:57.239 --> 00:50:58.380 So that was a lot. 1133 00:50:58.440 --> 00:51:01.039 And I had a lot of things just like really, 1134 00:51:01.079 --> 00:51:03.460 really weighing on me heavily for so long. And I 1135 00:51:03.500 --> 00:51:06.110 just felt like I was, I just felt like also 1136 00:51:06.150 --> 00:51:08.110 nothing would ever change. I felt like I would live 1137 00:51:08.150 --> 00:51:11.010 in this sort of like begging to be seen place 1138 00:51:11.250 --> 00:51:13.670 for the rest of my life. I was like, I'm never, 1139 00:51:13.690 --> 00:51:17.800 no one's ever gonna know me and I'm never gonna 1140 00:51:17.860 --> 00:51:20.719 have a real friendship and I'm always gonna be like 1141 00:51:21.039 --> 00:51:23.559 betrayed or like blackmailed and just. 1142 00:51:23.460 --> 00:51:25.320 So many endless things. I'm also, I'm never gonna be 1143 00:51:25.340 --> 00:51:26.239 a successful artist. 1144 00:51:26.260 --> 00:51:29.780 There was so many things weighing on me that I really, 1145 00:51:31.050 --> 00:51:33.199 I started self-harming again which I had been clean for 1146 00:51:33.239 --> 00:51:35.099 a while and so that was again something that was 1147 00:51:35.139 --> 00:51:37.460 like oh you're weak and you did the wrong thing 1148 00:51:37.500 --> 00:51:42.159 and whatever so I just felt like it was something 1149 00:51:42.179 --> 00:51:44.079 I'd been thinking about for a really long time I 1150 00:51:44.719 --> 00:51:47.300 also always said to people and this is like horrible 1151 00:51:47.340 --> 00:51:49.679 and dark but probably from like starting at like 15 1152 00:51:49.679 --> 00:51:51.530 I would always tell people because you know we have 1153 00:51:51.550 --> 00:51:53.230 this conversation people do you have any idea like how 1154 00:51:53.250 --> 00:51:55.090 you think you're gonna die I would always say I 1155 00:51:55.150 --> 00:51:59.260 know I'm gonna die from suicide I know And now 1156 00:51:59.280 --> 00:52:01.920 that makes me so sad because I just think about that, like, 1157 00:52:02.380 --> 00:52:05.010 child who was just hurting and felt like she was 1158 00:52:05.090 --> 00:52:07.210 screaming into a void all the time and no one 1159 00:52:07.250 --> 00:52:09.630 cared to listen. And that just makes me really sad 1160 00:52:09.650 --> 00:52:11.690 and I wish I can hug her. I thought that 1161 00:52:11.789 --> 00:52:14.369 everyone on the fucking face of this earth would have

1162 00:52:14.409 --> 00:52:20.070 rathered me dead. And so I just, I did attempt twice. 1163 00:52:21.500 --> 00:52:25.449 And, yeah, I'm really grateful that I was obviously unsuccessful, but. 1164 00:52:27.389 --> 00:52:29.210 I think people need to understand that like it's really 1165 00:52:29.250 --> 00:52:33.170 serious and not something to joke about. And I just 1166 00:52:34.190 --> 00:52:36.230 like my life was almost over. Like I almost died. 1167 00:52:36.250 --> 00:52:40.719 I almost was dead because of all of this. And 1168 00:52:40.760 --> 00:52:42.420 it's a lot to comprehend. It's a lot for me 1169 00:52:42.460 --> 00:52:44.059 to think about. It's a lot for me to accept 1170 00:52:44.139 --> 00:52:46.619 that people made me feel that way. People kicked me 1171 00:52:46.659 --> 00:52:48.639 while I was down and just like did not give 1172 00:52:48.679 --> 00:52:51.159 a fuck, did not look at me as human at all. 1173 00:52:52.199 --> 00:52:54.059 I would think about the tweets that would be posted 1174 00:52:54.079 --> 00:52:56.300 the next day. People like laughing and making fun of 1175 00:52:56.340 --> 00:52:57.360 the fact that I was dead. 1176 00:52:57.559 --> 00:52:58.699 And I knew it would happen. 1177 00:52:58.780 --> 00:53:01.119 That was the sickest part was like I still know 1178 00:53:01.159 --> 00:53:03.059 to this day that if it happened people would joke 1179 00:53:03.099 --> 00:53:04.260 about it because I've seen people. 1180 00:53:04.119 --> 00:53:06.179 Joke about the most horrible things ever online. 1181 00:53:07.119 --> 00:53:08.460 And I think it all just ties back into the 1182 00:53:08.500 --> 00:53:11.400 fact of like I just hope for a day of 1183 00:53:11.440 --> 00:53:13.960 like people having empathy and people not judging each other 1184 00:53:14.019 --> 00:53:18.909 and being able to be kind and loving. But I 1185 00:53:18.949 --> 00:53:21.329 still like I definitely don't feel like I have this 1186 00:53:21.349 --> 00:53:25.639 like suicidal ideation thing in me anymore but I still 1187 00:53:25.679 --> 00:53:28.610 have really really horrible dark days like to this fucking 1188 00:53:28.619 --> 00:53:32.349 day that I just feel defeated and I just there's 1189 00:53:32.429 --> 00:53:35.489 so much grieving I do from my younger self and 1190 00:53:35.530 --> 00:53:38.190 there's so much like I am a bit angry a 1191 00:53:38.230 --> 00:53:40.909 little towards the internet in some ways I feel like 1192 00:53:41.050 --> 00:53:45.110 I never got an apology from a lot of people 1193 00:53:45.130 --> 00:53:47.530 I don't know I feel like I'm still also like 1194 00:53:47.829 --> 00:53:50.320 made fun of all the time I'll talk in a 1195 00:53:50.340 --> 00:53:52.739 video and people be like, she's so cringy and embarrassing. 1196 00:53:52.780 --> 00:53:54.480 Does it make you, does it make you nervous? 1197 00:53:54.500 --> 00:53:55.440 I never want to talk ever again. 1198 00:53:55.679 --> 00:53:58.139

No, but I'm, I'm wondering like, will you have anxiety 1199 00:53:58.179 --> 00:53:58.960 before this comes out? 1200 00:53:59.900 --> 00:54:00.429 Oh, a hundred. 1201 00:54:00.449 --> 00:54:04.309 I'm like already like, can we restart? Like literally, like it's, 1202 00:54:04.610 --> 00:54:06.250 I'm like, no, it's how I am. 1203 00:54:06.449 --> 00:54:08.590 But that is why I do appreciate podcasting. 1204 00:54:08.610 --> 00:54:10.670 Cause I'm like, I wish people were just nice. It's like, 1205 00:54:10.690 --> 00:54:12.909 so it's so crazy. That's like a huge ask of people. 1206 00:54:12.949 --> 00:54:13.750 Can you just be nice? 1207 00:54:13.829 --> 00:54:16.619 And like not, Like we're going through it. Like listen 1208 00:54:16.639 --> 00:54:17.400 to what you're going through. 1209 00:54:17.440 --> 00:54:20.119 I'm in pain. Right. Please stop. It's just too much. 1210 00:54:20.739 --> 00:54:23.679 You are currently in a relationship. We don't need to 1211 00:54:23.699 --> 00:54:25.199 talk about your relationship, but I do want to know 1212 00:54:25.219 --> 00:54:29.989 about you in relationships dealing with everything that you're going through. 1213 00:54:30.050 --> 00:54:32.849 And it seems like, again, you said 2019 was when 1214 00:54:32.889 --> 00:54:35.510 you kind of really started to break in to everything 1215 00:54:35.530 --> 00:54:37.110 that happened to you. And I also want to say 1216 00:54:37.150 --> 00:54:41.619 like people that are going to start therapy, like it 1217 00:54:42.119 --> 00:54:45.969 is a motherfucker at first to open up– Pandora's box and. 1218 00:54:45.929 --> 00:54:48.570 Be like whoa but. 1219 00:54:49.070 --> 00:54:51.210 When you finally even get a little bit on that 1220 00:54:51.269 --> 00:54:55.369 other side of like it's the best and you find 1221 00:54:55.389 --> 00:54:57.889 a reason to live and you find like a perspective 1222 00:54:57.909 --> 00:55:01.179 that you could have never had when you're in a 1223 00:55:01.219 --> 00:55:04.920 relationship and you're going through all this like how does 1224 00:55:05.159 --> 00:55:09.920 having a partner and having to have someone in your 1225 00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:13.849 life and be you know in this dynamic where you 1226 00:55:13.889 --> 00:55:16.400 have to be not selfish all the time and not 1227 00:55:16.440 --> 00:55:18.219 focusing on yourself like how does that affect your mental 1228 00:55:18.239 --> 00:55:20.199 health of being in a relationship while you're going through 1229 00:55:20.219 --> 00:55:21.800 this mental health journey I. 1230 00:55:21.780 --> 00:55:24.639 Think there's two sides of the coin I think on 1231 00:55:24.719 --> 00:55:29.500 side a I recognize that I've become definitely very codependent 1232 00:55:29.559 --> 00:55:32.940 I've had three now long-term relationships in my life back 1233 00:55:32.960 --> 00:55:35.059 to back I've like really never been single I've just 1234 00:55:35.079 --> 00:55:37.409 been like in

very serious relationships I think that is 1235 00:55:37.449 --> 00:55:41.510 because of my deep-rooted abandonment issues and attachment style and 1236 00:55:41.530 --> 00:55:45.489 whatever and I am working through that um but I 1237 00:55:45.530 --> 00:55:47.230 think on the other side, it's been amazing. And I 1238 00:55:47.269 --> 00:55:50.619 feel like I've been able to... Obviously, breakups are really hard. 1239 00:55:50.659 --> 00:55:53.500 But I think in all three of my relationships, I 1240 00:55:53.519 --> 00:55:55.519 look back and I feel, you know, a lot of 1241 00:55:55.860 --> 00:55:58.650 support at times from those people. And especially in my 1242 00:55:58.710 --> 00:56:02.110 current one, like I feel... yeah supported and I feel 1243 00:56:02.119 --> 00:56:04.429 like taken care of in in a way that I 1244 00:56:04.489 --> 00:56:06.389 can break down and like I have someone to lean 1245 00:56:06.489 --> 00:56:08.550 on and I I think it's important. 1246 00:56:08.429 --> 00:56:11.050 What's a red flag in dating that you used to 1247 00:56:11.110 --> 00:56:13.639 ignore that you would now if you saw it you 1248 00:56:13.659 --> 00:56:15.460 would like run the other direction like you used to 1249 00:56:15.500 --> 00:56:18.239 put up with but you're like nope not now bitch. 1250 00:56:18.260 --> 00:56:23.280 Um there's a lot okay first being when guys I 1251 00:56:23.300 --> 00:56:24.980 know this is so basic but when guys say like 1252 00:56:25.079 --> 00:56:27.530 my ex-girlfriend is so crazy I'm like oh so you 1253 00:56:27.570 --> 00:56:28.349 were horrible and you. 1254 00:56:29.820 --> 00:56:30.340 What you're trying to say? 1255 00:56:30.360 --> 00:56:30.460 Cool. 1256 00:56:31.539 --> 00:56:33.760 So that I don't like at all. 1257 00:56:33.940 --> 00:56:37.980 I feel like also it's just, it's just like, you 1258 00:56:38.019 --> 00:56:40.119 can't convince me that your ex-girlfriend was just. 1259 00:56:40.000 --> 00:56:41.760 Like crazy for no reason. 1260 00:56:41.860 --> 00:56:44.730 Like you definitely caused her to be that way. So 1261 00:56:44.869 --> 00:56:45.989 I don't really give a fuck what you have to 1262 00:56:46.010 --> 00:56:46.789 say about yourself. 1263 00:56:47.289 --> 00:56:49.389 It's your fault. It just drives me insane. 1264 00:56:49.449 --> 00:56:51.510 And I've heard people say it and it won't even 1265 00:56:51.550 --> 00:56:53.409 be like, forget red flag and dating. Like if, if 1266 00:56:53.489 --> 00:56:56.030 I'm in a room of boys and they're like talking 1267 00:56:56.070 --> 00:56:57.699 about even a girl they like slept with in a 1268 00:56:57.739 --> 00:57:00.449 negative way, I'm like, twitching i'm sitting there like are 1269 00:57:00.469 --> 00:57:02.010 you fucking joking right now. 1270 00:57:01.929 --> 00:57:05.449 Who raised you but yeah i hate i especially. 1271 00:57:05.050 --> 00:57:07.380 Can't handle it in a guy who's like my my 1272 00:57:07.489 --> 00:57:12.679 crazy ex-girlfriend i'm like sir um but other than that 1273 00:57:12.699 --> 00:57:16.420 i think that someone who like oof i don't know 1274 00:57:16.480 --> 00:57:18.840 there's so many things i can say i think hygiene 1275 00:57:18.860 --> 00:57:21.170 is like huge brush your teeth. 1276 00:57:21.289 --> 00:57:26.530 Please i'm begging you please brush your teeth we just 1277 00:57:26.570 --> 00:57:29.949 went from like crazy actually like hygiene alex like. 1278 00:57:30.010 --> 00:57:34.309 It is through your hair it's been three weeks please. 1279 00:57:35.380 --> 00:57:42.079 I'm begging you i'm literally begging i'm dead how did 1280 00:57:42.139 --> 00:57:44.269 i that's the last thing i thought you would say 1281 00:57:44.289 --> 00:57:47.230 hygiene please please. 1282 00:57:47.409 --> 00:57:52.570 Okay hygiene and when someone says. 1283 00:57:51.900 --> 00:57:54.480 Their ex girlfriend is crazy I don't believe you for 1284 00:57:54.519 --> 00:57:55.380 a fucking second. 1285 00:57:55.679 --> 00:57:58.079 Something that I love to do on Call Her Dottie 1286 00:57:58.199 --> 00:58:01.070 is like if there are rumors or if there have 1287 00:58:01.110 --> 00:58:03.690 been like anything kind of out there that people are 1288 00:58:03.710 --> 00:58:06.090 like speculating I'm like let's just get to the bottom 1289 00:58:06.130 --> 00:58:06.380 of it. 1290 00:58:06.389 --> 00:58:06.550 Sure. 1291 00:58:07.659 --> 00:58:11.780 People are so fucking confused. Like this video came out 1292 00:58:11.820 --> 00:58:14.889 that Justin posted of you and there's so much controversy 1293 00:58:14.909 --> 00:58:17.349 on the internet of like, you may have had connections 1294 00:58:17.409 --> 00:58:20.090 to him and people before. And I'm like, who cares 1295 00:58:20.130 --> 00:58:22.929 if that's the case? Like in any way, shape or form, 1296 00:58:22.949 --> 00:58:25.329 did you have, or anyone in your family or anyone 1297 00:58:25.469 --> 00:58:28.130 know anyone in Justin's camp? And it wasn't like a 1298 00:58:28.389 --> 00:58:30.530 random thing that he stumbled upon you on YouTube. 1299 00:58:32.190 --> 00:58:36.880 Definitely no correlation to Justin. I was Justin's biggest, biggest fan. 1300 00:58:36.900 --> 00:58:39.400 Let me make that very abundantly clear. He was my 1301 00:58:39.460 --> 00:58:41.940 lock screen when I met Scooter. I was like crying 1302 00:58:41.980 --> 00:58:44.900 my eyes out screaming when Scooter played me boyfriend the 1303 00:58:44.920 --> 00:58:47.619 day that he signed me. Like I, there's a lot 1304 00:58:47.659 --> 00:58:51.960 of things, but all I like at this point, like 1305 00:58:51.980 --> 00:58:53.920 the truth is all that I really care to talk about. 1306 00:58:53.980 --> 00:58:55.900 Cause I think that it just doesn't matter at this point. 1307 00:58:55.920 --> 00:58:58.420 It's 10 years ago. So literally to break it down 1308 00:58:58.519 --> 00:59:03.510 quite simply, my mom and dad have no music.

industry correlation. 1309 00:59:03.550 --> 00:59:05.539 My mom was an interior designer. My dad was a builder. 1310 00:59:05.570 --> 00:59:08.090 Like it just was not part of our life. Um, 1311 00:59:08.230 --> 00:59:11.300 the only person that my mom knew as I was younger, 1312 00:59:11.360 --> 00:59:13.340 that sort of had an in with those people was 1313 00:59:13.380 --> 00:59:16.659 a guy who owns catch like the restaurants, which for 1314 00:59:16.699 --> 00:59:17.980 those of you who don't know, we're like LA, New 1315 00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:21.079 York hotspot restaurants. And she sort of knew him and 1316 00:59:21.219 --> 00:59:24.260 she being a proud mom posted my YouTube video to 1317 00:59:24.300 --> 00:59:27.000 her Facebook and was texting all her friends. Like, you know, who, 1318 00:59:27.139 --> 00:59:30.050 who could, get my daughter like a audition somewhere. 1319 00:59:30.130 --> 00:59:31.530 Like she, my dream was to be on Broadway. That 1320 00:59:31.550 --> 00:59:33.710 was like my number one dream. So she was like, 1321 00:59:33.730 --> 00:59:36.710 who can help my daughter? Whatever. So she messaged this guy. 1322 00:59:36.789 --> 00:59:38.820 Mark, and was like, do you know anyone who maybe 1323 00:59:38.860 --> 00:59:41.059 would want to like, I don't even know. Like we 1324 00:59:41.079 --> 00:59:42.860 didn't even know at the time, like what the verbiage 1325 00:59:42.900 --> 00:59:44.500 was or what the goal was. It was more so 1326 00:59:44.539 --> 00:59:46.019 just like, clearly I was a kid who loved to 1327 00:59:46.079 --> 00:59:47.300 sing and what can we do with this? 1328 00:59:47.679 --> 00:59:50.300 People also have this idea that my mom. 1329 00:59:50.119 --> 00:59:53.840 Knew Scooter personally, because there's a picture that this is also, 1330 00:59:53.860 --> 00:59:57.239 I have to again, contextualize. peak of me being like 1331 00:59:57.300 --> 00:59:59.889 hated online when I was like 16 years old this 1332 01:00:00.690 --> 01:00:03.750 rumor began to spread and there's a picture of some 1333 01:00:03.829 --> 01:00:07.469 woman with Scooter when in like college and people are 1334 01:00:07.489 --> 01:00:10.389 like this is Madison's mom and Scooter Braun in college 1335 01:00:10.570 --> 01:00:12.840 my mom's like 15 years older than Scooter mind you 1336 01:00:13.199 --> 01:00:15.280 and also like we know it's just that that's just 1337 01:00:15.320 --> 01:00:17.119 not true and at this point I would just say 1338 01:00:17.179 --> 01:00:19.880 yeah that he she did people have this idea that 1339 01:00:19.960 --> 01:00:22.239 like you can buy your way like I my dad 1340 01:00:22.260 --> 01:00:23.969 like wrote him a check and was like sign my 1341 01:00:24.010 --> 01:00:26.909 daughter you know how many kids would be famous yeah 1342 01:00:26.949 --> 01:00:29.550 like I just it's just not it's just not true 1343 01:00:29.610 --> 01:00:31.869 and it's it's quite silly and I think that obviously 1344 01:00:31.909 --> 01:00:34.469 also what's Scooter Braun who had Justin Bieber as his 1345 01:00:34.530 --> 01:00:36.570 artist you think he really like needed to sign little 1346 01:00:36.800 --> 01:00:38.889 Madison Beer from Long Island like it also didn't work 1347 01:00:39.010 --> 01:00:42.800 out so it wasn't like you know so I just 1348 01:00:43.019 --> 01:00:45.639 um yeah so basically to make a long story short 1349 01:00:46.139 --> 01:00:49.300 Mark ended up connecting us with Scooter who then showed 1350 01:00:49.320 --> 01:00:51.239 to Justin and that's how it all happened and it 1351 01:00:51.280 --> 01:00:53.809 was just quite simple and It was all very cool 1352 01:00:53.849 --> 01:00:56.190 for me and very exciting. 12-year-old me, I was just 1353 01:00:56.250 --> 01:00:58.210 excited that Justin Bieber watched one of my videos. 1354 01:00:58.289 --> 01:00:58.510 Right. 1355 01:00:58.610 --> 01:01:01.610 Also, it's not like anyone was like, Justin, you have 1356 01:01:01.650 --> 01:01:02.449 to post this. 1357 01:01:02.590 --> 01:01:03.170 No, no. 1358 01:01:03.190 --> 01:01:04.880 Clearly he had to have liked it to post it. 1359 01:01:04.889 --> 01:01:07.900 He, I think, felt passionate about me when I was 1360 01:01:07.920 --> 01:01:10.260 younger because that's how he was discovered. So I think that, 1361 01:01:10.860 --> 01:01:12.500 I don't know, I wasn't in the room, but potentially 1362 01:01:12.539 --> 01:01:14.179 when Scooter showed it to him, he was like, I 1363 01:01:14.219 --> 01:01:15.139 want to get involved with this. 1364 01:01:15.260 --> 01:01:17.320 I feel like I remember also back in the day 1365 01:01:17.400 --> 01:01:21.130 seeing Justin post like, a lot of people. 1366 01:01:21.170 --> 01:01:22.190 He would do stuff like that all the time. 1367 01:01:22.210 --> 01:01:24.710 Because that's how he was getting discovered and I appreciate 1368 01:01:24.730 --> 01:01:26.909 you clarifying and I know there are some people watching 1369 01:01:26.929 --> 01:01:29.070 that are like, what the fuck is going on? The 1370 01:01:29.110 --> 01:01:30.969 point is, is there was a conspiracy. 1371 01:01:30.989 --> 01:01:31.880 There was literally a theory. 1372 01:01:31.889 --> 01:01:35.480 It's crazy the amount of rumors about you on the internet. 1373 01:01:35.599 --> 01:01:35.960 I know. 1374 01:01:35.980 --> 01:01:37.159 Why do you think that is? 1375 01:01:38.280 --> 01:01:41.719 Firstly, I think I got in this very young. I 1376 01:01:41.760 --> 01:01:45.440 think that like, it's been 11, 12 years. 1377 01:01:45.099 --> 01:01:47.030 Of me being on social media. So of course, throughout 1378 01:01:47.070 --> 01:01:49.019 the years, like, as I've. 1379 01:01:48.940 --> 01:01:52.420 Grown into the human form, I'm sure that I've made 1380 01:01:52.480 --> 01:01:54.929 mistakes or said things or done things like any person 1381 01:01:54.989 --> 01:01:57.550 would in my shoes that maybe I look back and 1382 01:01:57.570 -->

01:02:00.710 I'm not proud of. But I can't give you an 1383 01:02:00.769 --> 01:02:03.130 answer as to why there's so many people that literally 1384 01:02:03.210 --> 01:02:06.590 make things up about me or are just specifically mean 1385 01:02:06.630 --> 01:02:08.030 to me. I feel like I've been a victim of 1386 01:02:08.210 --> 01:02:11.349 just no empathy. People are just mean and vicious and 1387 01:02:11.369 --> 01:02:13.050 will make fun of me and not give me any 1388 01:02:13.289 --> 01:02:15.880 benefit of the doubt or assume that I'm a liar. 1389 01:02:16.000 --> 01:02:18.940 It's really hard. Um, but I don't know the reason. 1390 01:02:18.960 --> 01:02:21.659 And I don't think that I'm at a place where 1391 01:02:21.699 --> 01:02:24.380 I blame myself anymore. Cause I used to be like, Oh, 1392 01:02:24.420 --> 01:02:25.260 it has to be something. 1393 01:02:25.360 --> 01:02:26.860 It has to be me. And I'm like, I didn't, 1394 01:02:27.050 --> 01:02:28.690 I didn't do anything to these people. And I don't 1395 01:02:28.730 --> 01:02:29.730 think that's true. 1396 01:02:30.230 --> 01:02:32.400 I feel like if I can take a crack at it, 1397 01:02:32.449 --> 01:02:37.170 I'm like, I feel like one, the, the relationship to Justin, 1398 01:02:37.550 --> 01:02:40.130 we don't need to get into it, but any one 1399 01:02:40.170 --> 01:02:44.900 that has any, like any, touching of that man near 1400 01:02:44.980 --> 01:02:48.340 him if you're a woman and you're not a certain 1401 01:02:48.380 --> 01:02:51.460 woman you're dead and I think naturally when you're young 1402 01:02:51.480 --> 01:02:54.360 and you're on the internet people get so fixated and 1403 01:02:54.420 --> 01:02:57.409 obsessed with that shit that it's like we're riding to 1404 01:02:57.429 --> 01:02:59.670 the grave with you Madison even if we're bullying you 1405 01:02:59.690 --> 01:03:02.190 like they just become obsessed with your life from day 1406 01:03:02.389 --> 01:03:04.170 one and then it's like they feel like they know 1407 01:03:04.210 --> 01:03:07.510 you because they've watched you quite literally mature from a 1408 01:03:07.730 --> 01:03:10.000 girl to a woman and there's like some weird fucking 1409 01:03:10.019 --> 01:03:13.000 shit for sure You're so young. We've said you've been 1410 01:03:13.019 --> 01:03:15.780 in the industry for 11 years. What made you want 1411 01:03:15.860 --> 01:03:18.340 to write a memoir at 24? 1412 01:03:18.340 --> 01:03:19.860 I know. And I feel like it's very young. And 1413 01:03:19.900 --> 01:03:21.340 I've seen a lot of people online be like, what 1414 01:03:21.389 --> 01:03:23.130 the hell? And I'm like, that's kind of the point, though. 1415 01:03:23.150 --> 01:03:24.650 And I feel like it should show people how much 1416 01:03:24.690 --> 01:03:27.210 I've been through at 24 to be able to even 1417 01:03:27.409 --> 01:03:28.690 write this in the first place. 1418 01:03:28.769 --> 01:03:29.269 But I don't know. 1419 01:03:29.309

--> 01:03:32.130 I just think, like I said earlier, there's so much 1420 01:03:32.170 --> 01:03:34.570 I wanted to say for so long that I just 1421 01:03:34.610 --> 01:03:38.539 didn't feel was appropriate anywhere but a book format. 1422 01:03:38.239 --> 01:03:38.860 Of some kind. 1423 01:03:39.550 --> 01:03:41.360 I didn't feel like a teary eyed Instagram post would 1424 01:03:41.500 --> 01:03:43.860 really do it justice. I didn't feel like coming on 1425 01:03:43.920 --> 01:03:45.460 here for the first time and like being this the 1426 01:03:45.579 --> 01:03:48.019 first time I ever really said things was I just 1427 01:03:48.059 --> 01:03:50.219 wanted it to be like me telling my story without 1428 01:03:50.300 --> 01:03:51.769 anyone else, no strings attached. 1429 01:03:52.690 --> 01:03:53.889 And I feel good about it. 1430 01:03:53.909 --> 01:03:57.110 And I feel like it's definitely peculiar that someone so 1431 01:03:57.150 --> 01:03:58.670 young is like writing a memoir. But I think it's 1432 01:03:58.829 --> 01:04:00.679 it's bigger than just a memoir. It's more of like, 1433 01:04:01.010 --> 01:04:03.260 I guess, a tell all and just sort of. me 1434 01:04:03.380 --> 01:04:04.719 and and the reason it's called the half of it 1435 01:04:04.760 --> 01:04:07.199 is because I want people to understand that obviously just 1436 01:04:07.239 --> 01:04:09.400 because you know now this you still only know the 1437 01:04:09.440 --> 01:04:10.619 half of it and we have so much more to 1438 01:04:10.639 --> 01:04:12.719 go like I have so much more life to live 1439 01:04:12.820 --> 01:04:15.420 and it's really just also about like everyone viewing each 1440 01:04:15.460 --> 01:04:18.079 other as human and being like wait we're literally all 1441 01:04:18.159 --> 01:04:22.070 trying and it's everyone's first time here that I don't 1442 01:04:22.110 --> 01:04:24.469 really think that we deserve to scrutinize each other and 1443 01:04:24.530 --> 01:04:27.280 be mean and make fun of each other and think 1444 01:04:27.320 --> 01:04:29.699 everyone's a liar and just just put like people should 1445 01:04:29.739 --> 01:04:32.550 be in my eyes innocent until proven guilty not vice 1446 01:04:32.570 --> 01:04:34.369 versa and I just I don't know. 1447 01:04:34.269 --> 01:04:36.250 I just hope this book book. 1448 01:04:36.150 --> 01:04:38.309 Makes some people a little more empathetic towards each other 1449 01:04:38.349 --> 01:04:40.309 and like not to spoil the ending but the last 1450 01:04:40.349 --> 01:04:42.800 line in the book is like now that you've read 1451 01:04:42.840 --> 01:04:44.980 my story I hope you realize that everyone has a 1452 01:04:45.000 --> 01:04:47.099 story you just haven't read yet and that's the truth 1453 01:04:47.300 --> 01:04:50.039 and it's just the reality of life and I think 1454 01:04:50.079 --> 01:04:53.289 there's so many people who don't go through life with 1455 01:04:53.309 --> 01:04:56.070 that perspective and I think looking at everyone as someone's 1456 01:04:56.130 --> 01:05:00.260 child as a probably wounded kid we've all been through 1457 01:05:00.280 --> 01:05:02.420 shit and I just not to sound too preachy but 1458 01:05:02.440 --> 01:05:04.940 like just be nice and just love each other and 1459 01:05:05.199 --> 01:05:05.639 I don't know. 1460 01:05:05.679 --> 01:05:08.159 It's not preachy I fucking love the last line of 1461 01:05:08.179 --> 01:05:10.789 the book because again going back to the beginning of 1462 01:05:10.809 --> 01:05:13.010 the interview when I was like dude like you look 1463 01:05:13.030 --> 01:05:14.949 at someone's social media, you look at your social media, 1464 01:05:15.250 --> 01:05:17.809 you're so fucking beautiful. You look like you have your 1465 01:05:17.829 --> 01:05:21.070 life together. You are on tour. Like you're singing, you 1466 01:05:21.090 --> 01:05:25.440 have albums, like you're thriving. Like people don't know the 1467 01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:28.239 half of it. And it's like, if we sit down 1468 01:05:28.300 --> 01:05:31.000 and we take this as to heart of like now, 1469 01:05:31.059 --> 01:05:33.679 next time you open your phone and you're someone that's 1470 01:05:34.309 --> 01:05:35.710 a mean person. 1471 01:05:35.389 --> 01:05:37.269 No but you're 100 right and i think that it's 1472 01:05:37.309 --> 01:05:40.159 just so important and i think people really forget that 1473 01:05:40.539 --> 01:05:43.420 and it's such a crucial part of this life and 1474 01:05:43.440 --> 01:05:45.360 i think that it's something that like we all can 1475 01:05:45.400 --> 01:05:47.880 do better at is and and again i feel like 1476 01:05:47.980 --> 01:05:50.130 it as much as i would love to be on 1477 01:05:50.170 --> 01:05:52.969 social media like guys this is something that's happened to 1478 01:05:53.010 --> 01:05:55.429 me i don't feel like all my followers a give 1479 01:05:55.489 --> 01:05:58.309 a shit yeah let alone b would care so i'm 1480 01:05:58.329 --> 01:06:00.909 like i just feel like there's no point in And 1481 01:06:00.929 --> 01:06:03.110 this is, for me, he is so cute. 1482 01:06:03.510 --> 01:06:04.469 It's really only for me. 1483 01:06:04.590 --> 01:06:06.389 I think there's other people who feel differently and do 1484 01:06:06.429 --> 01:06:08.269 feel like maybe I can use my platform and be 1485 01:06:08.309 --> 01:06:09.190 more open and honest. 1486 01:06:09.210 --> 01:06:12.369 But I just don't feel like that audience. 1487 01:06:12.929 --> 01:06:14.679 It's not the appropriate space sometimes. 1488 01:06:14.739 --> 01:06:15.119 Exactly. 1489 01:06:15.159 --> 01:06:17.420 And that's how I feel. When I like do like 1490 01:06:17.460 --> 01:06:19.360 my tour and I have at the beginning of tour, 1491 01:06:19.400 --> 01:06:21.079 I have Q & As. I talk to my fans 1492 01:06:21.179 --> 01:06:23.400 in the most honest, vulnerable way I can. And we 1493 01:06:23.420 --> 01:06:25.880 have such a deep

personal connection that like, to me, 1494 01:06:25.900 --> 01:06:27.900 those are the appropriate spaces. It's not, it's just not 1495 01:06:27.920 --> 01:06:29.199 for like my Instagram. 1496 01:06:29.280 --> 01:06:29.559 Yes. 1497 01:06:29.760 --> 01:06:32.039 In a few weeks, you're going on a much different 1498 01:06:32.079 --> 01:06:34.590 tour than you're used to. You're not going to be singing. 1499 01:06:34.820 --> 01:06:37.789 You're going on a book tour. What are you looking 1500 01:06:37.849 --> 01:06:39.269 forward to from this book tour? 1501 01:06:39.289 --> 01:06:41.150 I'm excited. 1502 01:06:41.469 --> 01:06:45.230 I really like, a lot of my experiences I've had 1503 01:06:45.269 --> 01:06:48.590 so far in this crazy time and world has, have 1504 01:06:48.630 --> 01:06:51.610 been like my, I write about this experience in my 1505 01:06:51.650 --> 01:06:53.809 book about like holding hands with a stranger. And like, 1506 01:06:53.849 --> 01:06:55.849 you know that, you know, you're both going through something 1507 01:06:55.889 --> 01:06:58.050 beautiful and emotional when like the first thing you do 1508 01:06:58.150 --> 01:07:02.969 is like hold hands and have this really true human connection. 1509 01:07:03.289 --> 01:07:05.010 There's been so many instances like that, that I really 1510 01:07:05.030 --> 01:07:08.250 look back on and I'm like, what an amazing life 1511 01:07:08.389 --> 01:07:10.789 I've had and what a privileged position am I in 1512 01:07:10.849 --> 01:07:13.610 to be so lucky to like have these deep connections 1513 01:07:13.650 --> 01:07:17.820 with utter strangers through music and through vulnerability hopefully through 1514 01:07:17.840 --> 01:07:20.300 this book like that's such a beautiful awesome thing and 1515 01:07:20.380 --> 01:07:22.760 I and I and I do and I and obviously 1516 01:07:22.820 --> 01:07:24.519 in the book you'll read that like it comes to 1517 01:07:24.539 --> 01:07:28.949 this sort of ending of like I definitely made the 1518 01:07:28.989 --> 01:07:32.670 right choice and like the answer is yes and moral 1519 01:07:32.710 --> 01:07:35.489 of the whole story of like all these fucked up 1520 01:07:35.530 --> 01:07:38.969 things have happened is like I'm still so grateful for 1521 01:07:39.050 --> 01:07:42.449 all of it and I wouldn't trade my position. 1522 01:07:42.030 --> 01:07:46.079 For the world. I just hope that me as. 1523 01:07:46.239 --> 01:07:49.699 A singular individual can make some sort of a positive 1524 01:07:49.739 --> 01:07:52.280 impact on people. I hope people listen to this podcast 1525 01:07:52.320 --> 01:07:54.659 and say like, ooh, maybe I shouldn't comment that this 1526 01:07:54.699 --> 01:07:56.780 girl looks ugly in this video because why the fuck 1527 01:07:56.800 --> 01:07:59.739 should I? Or maybe I should hold the door for 1528 01:07:59.780 --> 01:08:01.590 someone because I never know what kind of day they had. 1529 01:08:01.679 --> 01:08:05.550 I just

think I want, I just want so cheesy 1530 01:08:05.570 --> 01:08:07.150 the world to be a bit of a better place. 1531 01:08:07.210 --> 01:08:08.869 And I want people to just be nicer to each other. 1532 01:08:08.929 --> 01:08:11.429 And I think that this book is really about that 1533 01:08:11.590 --> 01:08:13.690 specifically of just like be empathetic. 1534 01:08:14.630 --> 01:08:17.390 I can't thank you enough for coming on because I 1535 01:08:17.470 --> 01:08:20.930 feel like there's like, again, there's so many fucking things 1536 01:08:20.989 --> 01:08:23.609 on the internet about you and rumors and gossip and 1537 01:08:23.720 --> 01:08:27.159 mean things. It's like, it's really fucking nice that you 1538 01:08:27.239 --> 01:08:30.279 put this into a book that is like humanizes you 1539 01:08:30.500 --> 01:08:31.880 and gives us all a chance to get to know 1540 01:08:31.899 --> 01:08:34.760 you better. And I also really, appreciate you sitting down 1541 01:08:34.800 --> 01:08:37.380 with me and talking about topics that I know are 1542 01:08:37.819 --> 01:08:40.739 very fucking sensitive and personal to you but in a 1543 01:08:40.800 --> 01:08:43.819 strange way like I know so many people are going 1544 01:08:43.840 --> 01:08:46.319 to relate to you and connect with you and feel 1545 01:08:46.380 --> 01:08:50.149 like I can go another fucking day because like look 1546 01:08:50.529 --> 01:08:52.770 she's sitting here still and like there's more to her 1547 01:08:52.810 --> 01:08:54.949 story and there's more to come and yeah hopefully it's 1548 01:08:54.970 --> 01:08:57.350 going to be positive and there's going to be things 1549 01:08:57.390 --> 01:08:59.590 that come from it but I also agree I hope 1550 01:08:59.609 --> 01:09:02.300 people take from this like let's be more compassionate because 1551 01:09:02.319 --> 01:09:05.020 we have no fucking idea what anyone is going through 1552 01:09:05.119 --> 01:09:06.850 and they shouldn't have to put their life out there 1553 01:09:06.859 --> 01:09:11.289 24-7 and to explain why you should be nice to people. 1554 01:09:11.529 --> 01:09:12.850 Definitely not. Agreed. 1555 01:09:12.869 --> 01:09:15.810 Thank you for coming on Madison. It was truly a pleasure. 1556 01:09:15.850 --> 01:09:18.010 Not coming. I'm at your house. Thank you for having me. 1557 01:09:18.010 --> 01:09:22.430 Thanks for coming to my house. Alex, next guest, please. 1558 01:09:22.470 --> 01:09:22.840 Thank you. 1559 01:09:38.439 --> 01:09:41.319 Welcome to this Holland & Barrett ad break. Go on, 1560 01:09:41.579 --> 01:09:42.239 take a moment. 1561 01:09:42.560 --> 01:09:45.199 With so much wellness advice out there, knowing what's right 1562 01:09:45.239 --> 01:09:49.029 for you isn't always simple. Our expert advisors match proven 1563 01:09:49.050 --> 01:09:52.489 support to you. Whether that's Better You B12 Boost Spray 1564 01:09:52.529 --> 01:09:55.850 to keep you energized or H & B Magnesium Bisglycinate 1565 01:09:55.970 --> 01:09:59.069 for busy days. Back your body with more confidence, less 1566 01:09:59.130 --> 01:10:02.880 guesswork at Holland & Barrett. Shop in-store, online or in-app. 1567 01:10:03.260 --> 01:10:06.539 Subject to availability, vitamin B12 and magnesium contribute to the 1568 01:10:06.579 --> 01:10:08.000 reduction of tiredness and fatigue. 1569 01:10:08.390 --> 01:10:09.069 Those thoughts. 1570 01:10:09.529 --> 01:10:10.470 You know the ones I mean. 1571 01:10:10.489 --> 01:10:14.109 The doesn't matter, it's nothing thoughts that become kind of 1572 01:10:14.149 --> 01:10:17.560 something become a bit much. And day by day, the 1573 01:10:17.600 --> 01:10:21.020 world feels heavier and you're holding it together just fine 1574 01:10:21.039 --> 01:10:25.539 until suddenly you're not. You don't have to navigate it alone. 1575 01:10:25.840 --> 01:10:29.199 Learn how to manage everyday pressures and unhelpful thoughts with 1576 01:10:29.319 --> 01:10:32.359 six weekly sessions from Aware. Find out more about the 1577 01:10:32.439 --> 01:10:34.779 free resilience program at aware.ie. 1578 01:10:35.279 --> 01:10:35.560 Aware. 1579 01:10:35.979 --> 01:10:38.079 This could be the start of something better.