บทถอดความฉบับเต็มของ I Was Robbed

00:05:18.160 Like I'm the fucking top gun of getting mugged. 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:27.279 Um but it it has happened a lot, and it's it's it's a bit of a drag. 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:31.040 Because, you know, somebody smarter than me would have altered the behavior somewhat. 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:36.240 But the fact of the matter is, I have never been hurt, so I've never altered my behavior in the slightest. 00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:56.000 I'm still out there at two in the morning, getting drunk, hitting the cash machine in the worst neighborhood that I've ever seen, and then stumbling home down the side of the street where every single like street lamp is knocked out, which is in fact what I was doing one of the last times I was accosted. 00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:00.319 I was just coming back from a really terrible date. 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:21.439 So, you know, I hit the cash machine, worst block in my neighborhood, was just lurching home when somebody came up behind me and put me in some kind of really cool kung fu grip that would have been great for me to have learned when I was younger, slapped their hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, don't move, motherfucker, give us the money. 00:06:21.600 --> 00:06:24.399 And this I appreciate a straightforward mugger. 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:26.079 There's no fucking around. 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:28.000 Like, you know what's happening. 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.079 In and out, easy peasy. 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:33.279 Usually. 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:50.160 Because this time, I don't know if it was like, I don't know, it was my 12th time, and I was like, this is it, we got we all got a prize, or if I just had all the liquor coursing through my veins, or the fact that like I had just come from such a terrible date, but I decided it's not happening. 00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:52.319 This time I'm gonna fight. 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:57.600 And as we had previously discussed, I don't know how to do that. 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:02.480 So I'm like, this is it, it's go time. 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:08.720 The guy has me clamped, and his partner's hands are going through my my pockets, getting my wallet and stuff. 00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:10.240 And I was like, what am I gonna do? 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:14.639 I was like, well, I don't know how to do this with my use the hands and do a thing. 00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:16.720 I was like, you know what I do know how to do? 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:18.560 Is bite a motherfucker. 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:28.720 Now, if nobody here has bitten an actual human being in a fight, let me tell you what you're missing. 00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:37.920 Here's the thing about biting someone is there's no takebacks. 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:43.439 Biting someone is, if nothing else, it's a commitment. 00:07:43.680 --> 00:07:56.560 If you choose to bite another human being with your actual teeth, you are you are agreeing to take whatever comes next. 00:07:56.800 --> 00:07:57.519 That's it.

00:07:57.680 --> 00:07:59.759 Like, that is your decision. 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:03.360 And I'm like, but you know, like that's where I was. 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:04.959 So I was like, this is it. 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:06.160 We're doing it. 00:08:06.399 --> 00:08:11.360 So I grabbed the guy's hand, it's like this giant meaty paw. 00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:14.720 Like, how can I bitch you on this? 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:20.959 It's ridiculous, and I shove it in my mouth, and I couldn't go through with it. 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:36.639 I knew, I knew it wasn't gonna happen, but I didn't want to back down because I was already halfway there with his hand in my mouth, so I decided to compromise, and I began just swallowing his arm whole like a snake. 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:46.799 And at first, I think we were both kind of confused. 00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:53.679 By the way, the turn that the knight had taken us. 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:59.759 And he leaned over and just sort of said in my ear, he goes, That's disgusting. 00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:04.480 I don't disagree. 00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:07.519 I said, That's disgusting, stop it. 00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:16.559 But I didn't stop because I had already gotten his whole hand in, and I was starting to inch up towards his forearm. 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:24.639 And there came a moment where I think we both thought that I was gonna pull it off. 00:09:25.519 --> 00:09:29.360 Like I was gonna swallow this whole dude. 00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:33.679 Cause he leaned in. 00:09:34.240 --> 00:09:37.279 And this time there was an edge of panic in his voice. 00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:40.639 He said, Stop it, motherfucker! I said, stop it. 00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:44.879 But I didn't. 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:51.120 I was moving up his forearm, although I have to admit at this point it was becoming difficult. 00:09:54.320 --> 00:09:59.039 But then he said the magic words, bitch, I will stab you. 00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:03.039 All right, I'm out. 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:04.720 I know when I'm outgunned. 00:10:06.159 --> 00:10:09.039 So I sort of disgorged his arm. 00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:18.399 And I heard him walking away with his friend walking, because if I wasn't right there, I probably wasn't really a threat. 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:19.600 I get it. 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:22.559 And he said, Did you see that shit? 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:26.000 This dude tried to swallow me. 00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:34.720 People are fucking crazy. 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:39.519 And he's right. 00:10:40.159 --> 00:10:42.159 People are I felt crazy. 00:10:42.320 --> 00:10:44.480 I was the people, I was crazy. 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:51.519 Alright, that didn't go great that night, but I had made a choice. 00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:54.080 I have chosen a violence. 00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:05.759 The only thing that you know we had to figure out was my exact fighting style because trying to swallow a dude hole turns out that's not in my skill set. 00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:09.759 But I had made a choice and I was committed to it. 00:11:10.960 --> 00:11:26.000 It was a few weeks later, during the day, when I was accosted on the street next, and some dude walked past me and turned around as I went past and said, What the fuck did you just say about my mother? 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:28.879 Now this is rare. 00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:33.440 And I really appreciated someone who cares about their craft. 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:38.399 He wasn't just coming at me for the money, he was gonna establish a narrative first. 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:42.559 He wasn't just taking my money for no reason. 00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:43.919 I had wronged him. 00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.000 I had said something about his mother. 00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:49.919 I deserve to be punished, and that's why I had to give up my money. 00:11:50.159 --> 00:11:57.200 It was like an improv session, like, yes, and here's my wallet and phone. 00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:07.600 And I turned around and there was something about what he had said about his mother that just something inside me clicked. 00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:16.879 And inside my chest, I felt these ancient wheels turning and and these tumblers falling into position. 00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:24.240 And I turned around and I said, Your mother, I said, she must be very disappointed in you. 00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.559 And he looked at me shocked, because guess what? 00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:34.320 He wasn't expecting this. 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:38.320 But I was fully in there now. 00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:39.440 Where is she? 00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:40.639 Is she at home? 00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:42.720 She doesn't even know where you are. 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:47.039 What would she think if she saw what you were doing now? 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.360 It felt like my head was on fire. 00:12:51.679 --> 00:13:16.159 My eyes were like coals, like cold, disapproving judgmental coals, but still, I felt the power of a thousand years of endless, annoying Jewish debate and guilt flowing through my veins, and I felt like I was floating like a fucking X-Man above him. 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:35.919 When I finally told him that he was killing his mother, he gave me the traditional Jewish sign of surrender, which is to throw up his arms and say, okay, I don't need this, whatever. 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:38.320 Just leave me alone. 00:13:44.639 --> 00:13:46.960 I don't know who taught it to him. 00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:54.879 But I walked away vindicated, secure in the knowledge that I would never be a victim again. 00:13:55.679 --> 00:14:03.279 Except two weeks later, I was accosted by a pack of 10 12-year-old boys. 00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:09.600 And bedstone at two in the morning who beat the shit out of me and took my wallet. 00:14:10.559 --> 00:14:11.519 Thank you. 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:21.919 Oh man, I have played that story for so many people. 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:23.679 I just love it so much.

00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:39.759 If you'd like to hear more from Adam, you can watch some of the many videos we have of him on our YouTube channel, or you can come see him perform his one-man show as I Lay Whining at the Newburg Fringe Festival on October 16 to 18 in, well, Newburgh, New York. 00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:46.159 And next up we have a storyteller who, for me, has become synonymous with East New York, Brooklyn. 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:51.679 Gastor Almonte is one of the funniest dudes out on the scene and a hell of a nice guy to boot. 00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:59.840 He's a stand-up comedian and a producer and host of The Story Collider, which is a phenomenal show that combines science and storytelling. 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:06.799 You may have also seen him on Comedy Central's This Is Not Happening, Don't Tell Comedy, and on Amazon Prime. 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:14.960 And here is Gastor at our mainstage show in November of 2022 with his story Retail Therapy. 00:15:23.919 --> 00:15:25.519 Appreciate y'all. 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:41.200 Mainly because it teaches you about people. 00:15:41.360 --> 00:15:44.480 You see the best and worst of people. 00:16:06.240 --> 00:16:10.080 I said, sure, boss, how long have you had this mattress for? 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:12.480 He said, seven years. 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:17.759 The best and worst of people, right? 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:25.919 You know, the worst of people to come into this store, waste me and my employees' time trying to return a seven-year-old mattress. 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:30.480 But the best of people, to believe that it was possible, you know. 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:33.840 Dream that dream, you know? 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:36.559 Now I'm the manager. 00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:39.679 I'm supposed to dismiss this guy, send him away, you know. 00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:43.759 But as a human, I want to know what moves you, you know? 00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:48.159 How dare you try to fly that close to the sun, you know? 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:56.000 So I asked him, I was like, my man, uh, what's wrong with the mattress? 00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:00.639 And he's like, oh, uh, I got bedbugs. 00:17:07.279 --> 00:17:09.039 I said, let's recap, brother. 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:12.079 Uh just so I'm understanding. 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:18.720 Uh you think we sold you a mattress seven years ago. 00:17:19.440 --> 00:17:22.079 They came with stealth bed bugs. 00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:25.759 They were waiting for this day to take action. 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:30.720 And he looked at me, he's like, that's exactly what I'm saying, sir. 00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:35.759 And you gotta understand, I'm not supposed to be here, okay? 00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:37.119 Like, for several reasons. 00:17:37.279 --> 00:17:41.200 One, it was my day off, another manager got sick, they called me in to cover. 00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:45.119 Two, I had just started getting some comedy things on TV. 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:46.559 You heard my credits previously. 00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:49.200 Not to brag, I was kind of the shit, you know? 00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:58.240 But as an artist, when you want to work full-time at the thing that you love, it doesn't happen instantly. 00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:08.319 You work really hard to get good at the thing, and then when you're good at the thing, you realize that the rest of your life is spent trying to convince people to watch you do the thing that you're good at. 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:10.960 I hadn't figured that part out yet. 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:13.759 So, yeah, for real. 00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:23.200 So I was stuck selling sofas and trying to do mattress returns over bed bug situations. 00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:32.000 Now listen, uh I looked at this dude and I was like, hey, listen, I ain't gonna lie to you, you've inspired me. 00:18:38.079 --> 00:18:41.440 But unfortunately, I can't take your mattress, boss. 00:18:42.880 --> 00:18:48.240 And he looked at me and he was like, listen, uh one of two things are gonna happen here. 00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:55.359 Either you are gonna give me a new mattress or I'm gonna give you bed bugs. 00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:06.079 Then he reached in his jacket and he pulled out a mason jar full of bed bugs. 00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:12.640 He shook it a little bit to let me hear that the cap was a little loose, the stakes were real, you know. 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:20.640 Now, listen, if you guys haven't worked in retail before, there's a lot of cool things that happen behind the scenes you might not know. 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:31.440 For example, like uh if a parent loses their child, people start saying code Adam so that you know everyone in the store knows, you know, block the doors, look for the kid, but not to alarm the other people shopping. 00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:34.160 There's a ton of things like that that we have in place. 00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:40.799 There is no code for yo, I'm being robbed at bed bug point. 00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:44.079 Help me. 00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:53.759 So I'm doing hand gestures, like, you know, to trying to code over people to come see me. 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:59.920 Uh furniture stores, uh, in particular ones that sell mattresses, also sell bed covers. 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:11.759 So you'll see in furniture stores they'll have these little mason jars with like a sliver of the bed cover and a liquid inside to show you that it's, amongst other things, waterproof. 00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:14.880 They're also incidentally better belt proof, this dude should have had one. 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:16.880 But they're all over the store. 00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:27.599 So when I'm doing hand gestures and a customer is holding a mason jar, so my co-managers, it looks like, oh, Castle's crushing that sale. 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:28.799 You know? 00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:30.160 So no one comes over. 00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:38.319 They just see me being really animated and the

customer demoing one of the mason jars and nothing getting through. 00:20:39.440 --> 00:20:44.799 Now I'm at the counter, there's other people on the staff closing other sales with those customers. 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:53.519 Uh, most of the people that work at the counter are like, you know, a year or two out of college, except one lady, a Beatrice, she's been with Bob since the very beginning. 00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:55.839 Been with the furniture store from day one. 00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:59.440 She hears what's happening, she says, I quit. 00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:09.599 Mid-customer interaction that she's dealing with, she looks over, says, I quit. 00:21:09.680 --> 00:21:12.799 This is my last day, and just walked off. 00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:16.960 Customers confused. 00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.720 I'm confused, I'm stressed. 00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:21.839 I'm like, I'll get to you, but I have another situation. 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:25.680 I don't know if you could tell, we're under far more serious danger. 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:29.039 Finally, uh, one of the managers kind of sees what's going on. 00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:35.119 My boy Miguel comes over, and he thinks, like, oh, Gaston Musley helped closing the sale. 00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:37.920 You know, so he's animated, he's like, Hey, so how can I help, man? 00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:38.960 What's going on? 00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:40.480 Who's your friend? 00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:43.519 And I introduce him and say, Hey, uh, this is Tristian. 00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:45.519 He's trying to rob us right now. 00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:51.359 And Miguel thinks I'm playing, and I'm like, You see that little Mason jaw? 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:54.480 That's not one of ours that has real bed bugs. 00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:59.200 And he looks at it, he's like, Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 00:21:59.279 --> 00:21:59.759 I don't do that. 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:01.599 No, no, no, no, no. 00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:04.960 I was like, Miguel, I believed you at the first no. 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:10.559 So I'm like, homie, how can I help you? 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:12.480 What can we do to end this situation? 00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:14.559 He's like, I just need a mattress. 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:22.799 Now I'm not supposed to give away mattresses, but fun fact if you go anywhere with a mason jar full of bed bugs, you get your way. 00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:28.960 So I was like, listen, we're gonna get you a mattress. 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:34.400 I was like, can I send my peer Miguel into the area to see what mattresses we have in stock? 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:35.519 And he says, cool. 00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:47.119 Miguel goes over, and I'm hoping Miguel knows, besides figuring out, hey, let's get this guy a mattress, maybe start doing other stuff called cops, things of that nature that might be helpful. 00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:58.799 Miguel goes off and he looks at him, he looks at me, the guy

turns to look at me, and he's looking at me, he's like, and I'm like, no shit, you know. 00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:05.519 Now, I don't know if you've ever been mid robbery before. 00:23:06.400 --> 00:23:12.400 It's a difficult time to create small talk, you know, but I'm trying to, I gotta buy Miguel time, you know. 00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:19.119 Uh if you've been to furniture stores, they usually have like coffee and snack areas, and those are the things I'm trained to do. 00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:20.000 I'm offering them. 00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:24.160 They sound silly as shit when someone's robbering you, you know, like, oh, you want some cookies? 00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:28.079 You know, while we wait, we got ice cream, you know. 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:33.200 Miguel comes over after like five minutes of really awkwardness. 00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:42.319 Uh the customers have slowly like figured out they can't leave because anytime they like look over at us, he shakes the mason jar. 00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:48.559 So the customers at the counter are stuck, my cashiers are stuck, I'm stuck, and he's with us. 00:23:48.960 --> 00:23:53.440 Miguel comes over and he's like, hey, uh, we got a spare mattress, we're gonna load it into your truck. 00:23:53.680 --> 00:24:00.480 And I look around, I also notice that all the other customers in the store and the sales reps have slowly left the store calmly. 00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:02.319 So Miguel has done his job. 00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:07.920 Call over two warehouse guys, they they're they show him the mattress, he approves. 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:09.359 I'm glad, you know. 00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.599 We're like, hey, we're gonna load that up. 00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:17.279 And they start, they put it in the car, and as they start making their way towards the front of the store, two cops walked in. 00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:18.960 Miguel had called them over. 00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:28.640 The cops come over, and I see, again, they're at the entranceway, I see them talk to my guys, the workers that are gonna load this mattress. 00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:33.680 They're holding a mattress, they're talking to the cops, and I can't hear it. 00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:38.160 But this is more or less what the body language told me was happening. 00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:40.160 Hey, uh, so what's the problem, sir? 00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:42.079 Are they being robbed by bed bugs? 00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:44.079 They being robbed by bed bugs. 00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.440 And they say, You sure? 00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:51.759 And they're like, we're sure he's getting this mattress for free right now. 00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:56.079 Then they walk over to the front because they in disbelief too. 00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:57.839 They're like, hey, what's going on here? 00:24:58.240 --> 00:25:00.559 This guy here is robbing us of our bed bugs. 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:04.240 I feel like Miguel gave you all of that information earlier. 00:25:06.240 -->

00:25:09.839 And he's and the cop looks at the dude and he's like, You need to leave. 00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:12.720 And the guy's like, Not without my mattress. 00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:16.960 And the cops looked at us like, so what you gonna do from here? 00:25:19.519 --> 00:25:26.799 Like, we ain't called them because it's escalated past the rule book of this furniture store. 00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:33.680 And I tell you this, listen, I don't know where you are in your life, you know. 00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:36.559 You guys got, you know, things gotta be going okay. 00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:38.480 You got money to buy tickets to a show. 00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:44.079 But if things change with there, you need to rob somebody, consider using a mason jar full of bed bugs. 00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:46.480 It is a highly effective weapon. 00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:50.079 I watched this man come into my store. 00:25:50.319 --> 00:25:54.240 You gotta, you gotta put yourself into his mind. 00:25:54.400 --> 00:25:56.559 Picture where he was earlier that day, you know. 00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:00.000 He was at home, tired as hell, itchy as shit. 00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:03.279 I got a real problem. 00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:05.359 I need sleep, but I can't do it here. 00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:06.799 What can I do? 00:26:07.279 --> 00:26:09.920 He's got no money available to him. 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:16.880 Then he looked around his room and saw the tools available to him, and he put them to use. 00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:19.359 That's the American dream, you know? 00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:35.200 And I watched him get a mattress loaded into his truck by my staff with two police escorts and drive off. 00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:39.599 I asked the cops, like, yo, why ain't y'all arrest him, attack him? 00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.440 I was like, I don't know if you heard he had bed bugs. 00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:42.799 I was like, Yeah, I know. 00:26:43.759 --> 00:26:45.119 That's why y'all are here. 00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:47.839 He said, Well, we don't want to have bed bugs in the car. 00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:50.000 We don't want to have bed bugs anywhere. 00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:51.359 We are in agreement. 00:26:51.599 --> 00:26:53.279 Bed bugs are a problem. 00:26:57.039 --> 00:27:00.000 So we go to the back, uh, we close the store. 00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:08.000 Everybody goes into the back room, we take off like our uniforms, our suits, and we get sprayed down with this like alcohol product. 00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:12.400 Uh and I drove home in boxes that day. 00:27:13.119 --> 00:27:22.640 And uh, you know, I leave every day I left for work in a full suit, tie, like I look sharp, you know, and I showed up in boxes. 00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:24.880 So my wife had questions, you know. 00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:32.079 You know, like what happened to you sold everything, honey. 00:27:32.319 --> 00:27:32.960 You know. 00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:39.680 And I looked at her, I was like, yeah, Shorty, uh, you know, things are going pretty good with comedy. 00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:41.599 You know, I got some things lined up. 00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:43.599 I've been on TV a couple times. 00:27:43.839 --> 00:27:50.079 Uh plus I got robbed today uh with bed bugs at the store. 00:27:50.799 --> 00:27:56.640 So I feel like we should talk about me maybe transitioning to doing comedy full time. 00:27:57.519 --> 00:27:59.279 She's like, you think this is the right time? 00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:09.200 I was like, I don't know, but I feel like the odds of me being robbed by bed bugs reduced significantly at comedy clubs. 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:10.640 You know? 00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:18.160 So I've been chasing my dream ever since, holding TV shows hostage with a theoretical mason jaw in my hand ever since. 00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:19.440 Thank you so much. 00:28:25.039 --> 00:28:28.480 If you like Gastor's story, and come on, how could you not? 00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:39.279 Check out his podcast, The War Report, his stand-up special Immigrant Made, or live on stage hosting his show Sandwich Comedy in Park Slope, Brooklyn. 00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:47.680 And as luck would have it, Gastor will also be performing in our next mainstage show on Saturday, September 12th in Beacon, New York. 00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:52.480 You can grab tickets right now on our website, Artichokeshow.com. 00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:56.079 The Artichoke isn't just a curated storytelling show. 00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:59.680 We have a mission to help those in our community tell their own stories. 00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:06.000 And so in the past few years, we've grown to include storytelling workshops and monthly Story Slam competitions. 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:18.720 In each episode, our podcast producer Carly Shiraki is going to highlight some of the amazing talent we have right here in the Hudson Valley, and I couldn't think of a better person to kick this off with than my pal Natalie Allen. 00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:34.480 Natalie was not only in our very first artichoke storytelling workshop, but she won our very first artichoke story slam, and then went on to compete against 10 other Story Slam champs to win what we call our big story showdown in August of last year. 00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:38.160 Ladies and gentlemen, here's Natalie Allen. 00:29:44.799 --> 00:29:57.039 Were you to ask me as an adolescent if I could change anything about myself, I would have without hesitation told you that I would have taken my feet off and gotten new feet. 00:29:57.279 --> 00:29:58.960 I hated my feet. 00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:03.599 I had big feet, and it haunted me. 00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:08.720 From age eight to age 12, my foot size kept up with my age. 00:30:09.039 --> 00:30:12.880 Eight, nine, ten, eleven, what the fuck? 00:30:13.039 --> 00:30:13.759 Twelve. 00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:17.759 I fit nothing in the women's side of the shoe store. 00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:23.680 All of my friends are going to the prom and

to parties with these cute Cinderella fucking shoes. 00:30:23.759 --> 00:30:28.240 And I am desperately trying to find loafers that don't look too man-ish. 00:30:29.119 --> 00:30:45.920 In the scene of Cinderella, when the guy goes to the evil stepsister's house looking for Cinderella with that tiny glass slipper, and the evil stepsisters are desperately trying to get their disgusting floppy feet into the shoe. 00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:48.559 I really identified with them. 00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:51.519 I did, because like, am I evil? 00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:59.680 Am I unlovable and disgusting, flipper-footed woman, totally bereft of any sex appeal? 00:30:59.920 --> 00:31:06.240 My dad used to sing this song, and he didn't mean anything by it, but it's one of those dumb things dads do. 00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:09.680 He'd go, your feet's too big, your feet's too big. 00:31:09.839 --> 00:31:13.200 You know I love you, honey, but your feet's too big. 00:31:13.839 --> 00:31:16.799 From ankle up, you're mighty sweet. 00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:20.559 From ankle down, you're too much feet. 00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:28.319 I mean dads, right? 00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:36.079 So it's it's 2005, I'm 18, I'm at university, and I'm really developing this sense of independence. 00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:46.720 I'm outside of the house, I'm a theater major at university, and I walk into my theater 101 class, and there's this very sweet, sandy-haired, hazel-eyed boy. 00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:51.519 He's tall, he's he's older, he's 21, so he's really got his shit together. 00:31:51.759 --> 00:31:58.880 He's he's a junior and he's a physics major, and I really like how he monologues at me about his physics class. 00:31:58.960 --> 00:32:00.160 It's sweet. 00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:03.839 He's nerdy, and I feel very relaxed around him. 00:32:03.920 --> 00:32:07.759 And on our first date, he takes me out for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. 00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:11.759 And I just feel like I could be myself around this guy. 00:32:12.799 --> 00:32:14.240 Except for that one thing. 00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:20.000 I I can't tell him how big my foot is because if I tell him how big my foot is, he's gonna find me unlovable. 00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:25.759 So there's there's a little bit of a wall up, and we start hanging out a lot together. 00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:28.160 He's suggesting we go on walks on the beach. 00:32:28.559 --> 00:32:31.039 And I'm like, yeah, I'll just keep my my shoes on. 00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:32.799 I don't like sand between my toes. 00:32:33.119 --> 00:32:38.319 Oh, let's go through walks through this beautiful meadow and garden to take our shoes off and feel the earth. 00:32:38.640 --> 00:32:42.640 Um yeah, I'll just keep my shoes on because I don't I don't like grass stains. 00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:43.920 I'm a city girl. 00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:54.559 And and we're we're starting to to fall in love, and and I'm his first love and he's mine, and we have sex, but I keep my feet under the sheets. 00:32:55.359 --> 00:32:57.200 I do, I I I really do. 00:32:57.279 --> 00:32:58.720 I'm I'm very conscious of this. 00:32:58.799 --> 00:33:00.400 I don't want him to look at my feet. 00:33:00.559 --> 00:33:04.240 I'm wearing socks in the house, I'm not taking my shoes off. 00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:09.839 And there's this like growing unease I have of like, if he finds out, he'll leave me. 00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:13.759 And and I know it's silly, but it's truly what I was terrified of. 00:33:13.839 --> 00:33:24.319 And so, anyway, we're at we're at the point where the scars and the birthmarks and the ug start coming out in a relationship, and all relationships eventually get there. 00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:26.960 Or or not, maybe you should talk. 00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:31.759 Um so we're sitting in the we're sitting in the front seat of a 1988 cutlass. 00:33:31.839 --> 00:33:35.839 It's dark, it's spring 2006, and I'm finally gonna come clean. 00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:41.359 Um Walter, I say, I uh I fucking hate my feet. 00:33:41.759 --> 00:33:52.559 I I don't like showing my toes, I I don't like people looking at them, I just feel completely disgusted by them, and I I just want you to know. 00:33:53.279 --> 00:34:03.279 And he's silent, he's holding the the uh wheel of the car and he's looking out the windshield, and uh, and he's like, Okay, I'm gonna tell you something, but you you have to tell nobody. 00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:04.400 It's a big secret. 00:34:04.559 --> 00:34:06.079 And I'm like, okay. 00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:08.239 He's gonna leave me. 00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:11.599 And uh he goes, I have a foot fetish. 00:34:15.920 --> 00:34:17.360 Like, you like feet? 00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:18.639 No, no, no. 00:34:18.880 --> 00:34:20.159 I love feet. 00:34:21.440 --> 00:34:26.800 I want to have sex with feet, and I'm like, but my feet are gross and huge. 00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:29.519 And he's like, No, I love big feet. 00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:31.760 Okay, now stick with me. 00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:33.280 We're gonna go on a montage. 00:34:33.440 --> 00:34:37.599 Hall of Notes is playing, and it's a montage in the next two and a half years, right? 00:34:37.840 --> 00:34:47.039 And we're going to the shoe store and we're finding the largest open-toed sandals we can find, and I'm trying them on and walking down the aisle, and he's sitting there watching me. 00:34:47.199 --> 00:34:55.760 He's buying me pedicures, he's sweeping me up off of my feet so that I don't sully the bottoms as I walk from the car. 00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:59.280 Oh my god, he says, admiring my foot at night. 00:34:59.440 --> 00:35:02.400 The arch of your foot is so graceful and beautiful. 00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:04.480 Your toes are lovely. 00:35:04.880 --> 00:35:11.280 And I am suddenly transported into this whole new sense of self. 00:35:11.519 --> 00:35:15.599 I've got a sex appeal where I didn't think there was one. 00:35:15.840 --> 00:35:18.000 Ankle

down, I'm not too much feet. 00:35:18.079 --> 00:35:19.920 I'm second pair of tits. 00:35:23.280 --> 00:35:33.280 Holy shit! I'm suddenly wearing open-toed sandals to picnics, sliding the shoes off and wiggling my toes in the grass. 00:35:33.599 --> 00:35:39.679 I feel empowered and sexy in a way I've never allowed myself to feel. 00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.079 Because I always thought there was a part of me that was ugly and unlovable. 00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:55.199 And this person who eventually broke up, we broke up over amicable things, but this person gave me the permission to truly love a part of myself that I didn't think I could. 00:35:55.440 --> 00:36:05.440 And anyway, I I wish it for everybody to meet a person who looks at the absolute worst part of you and says, I can't wait to fuck that. 00:36:08.079 --> 00:36:09.039 Thank you. 00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:25.840 Not only is that an incredible story from Natalie, that is a slam-winning story from one of the Artichoke Story Slams at Norma's in Waffinger Falls. 00:36:26.239 --> 00:36:27.760 Carly Shiraki here. 00:36:27.840 --> 00:36:32.719 I am a friend and fan of the Artichoke, and I'm also producing this podcast. 00:36:32.800 --> 00:36:41.360 And I'm gonna be popping in from time to time, sharing little snapshots from conversations I'm having with the students that we're featuring in every episode. 00:36:41.599 --> 00:36:47.679 So here's Natalie sharing a little bit about moving to Beacon in 2020 and discovering the artichoke. 00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:53.840 When we came up, I was desperate to meet people and make community like we all are. 00:36:54.159 --> 00:36:58.320 And I saw signs up for the artichoke. 00:36:58.400 --> 00:37:10.400 And prior to moving up here, I had seen the moth, I had gone to shows, I knew of it, and it was like it was this little egg of a dream I was harboring where I was like, oh, maybe I'll get up there and do it one day. 00:37:10.559 --> 00:37:12.320 But like I hate homework. 00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:14.559 Just as a rule, I've always hated homework. 00:37:14.639 --> 00:37:18.880 I'm really good at bullshitting, I'm really good at making things up, hence why I do improv. 00:37:19.119 --> 00:37:27.360 And so I'd always shied away from doing storytelling because I thought I had to memorize like a you know five-minute monologue, and so I was like, yeah, this isn't gonna work. 00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:30.480 But I saw the signs up here and I was like, I'm gonna do that one day. 00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:32.480 And I was like way too intimidated. 00:37:32.639 --> 00:37:47.440 I went to an artichoke show and like I remember Drew introducing each person getting up, and it was like, so and so, what a Nobel Peace Prize, and has worked in Africa saving babies, and such and such has got a poet laureate. 00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:59.599 Well, as luck and life would have it, through a series of synchronous email referrals, Natalie ended up on an artichoke mainstage show with a few other newbies, everyone flexing their muscle for the first time. 00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:07.039 Now, with a few mainstage and class shows under her belt, I'd venture to say she is a seasoned storyteller. 00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:13.679 I asked her to drop us a little deeper into the experience of telling the story that we all just heard. 00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:32.800 I had one of those moments where, like, maybe two or three minutes into the story, I suddenly like clicked into I don't know what you want to call it, the universe, the collective consciousness, the zone, that higher place our brain goes to when the vibrations like get higher in pitch. 00:38:32.960 --> 00:38:39.360 You know, if I'm getting like really woo-woo and spiritual, like my fucking, like, I got into it and and I was riding the wave. 00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:44.719 And so I blacked out, like, I don't have a memory of tell of like actually telling the story. 00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:51.599 When I had told the story previously, like in my bedroom and whatnot, like I was kind of like, man, I'm not getting emotional through this. 00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:55.119 Like, it doesn't feel like there's any real emotional vulnerability that I can show. 00:38:55.199 --> 00:39:05.360 I'm a little worried that it's just gonna be me kind of giving bullet points about this thing that happened until I got up there and then suddenly like I got really emotional. 00:39:05.679 --> 00:39:06.559 Yeah, you did. 00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:09.360 Yeah, it really took me off guard. 00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:09.840 Wow. 00:39:10.079 --> 00:39:14.079 And totally just like in flow state, riding the wave, total presence. 00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:15.760 Do you ever get like that? 00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:17.360 Yeah, for sure. 00:39:17.519 --> 00:39:18.000 For sure. 00:39:18.159 --> 00:39:22.639 I can feel when I have an audience and when we're vibing. 00:39:22.800 --> 00:39:23.119 Yeah. 00:39:23.440 --> 00:39:33.199 And then I and then once I feel that it changes the way I tell the rest of the story because I like I add a little more vibrance or I pause to be with them. 00:39:33.519 --> 00:39:39.519 Um thank you so much for chatting with us here at the Artichoke Podcast. 00:39:39.840 --> 00:39:41.679 Carly, my pleasure, my dear. 00:39:41.920 --> 00:39:43.119 My pleasure. 00:39:44.239 --> 00:39:53.920 If you are interested in competing in one of our monthly Story Slams, they take place every fourth Thursday of the month at a fabulous cafe called Norma's in Wappinger's Falls. 00:39:54.159 --> 00:40:05.360 Or if the idea of getting on stage in front of strangers and burying your soul just scares the bejesus out of you, our next storytelling workshop begins October 20th in Beacon, New York. 00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:07.199 That's our show, people. 00:40:07.360 --> 00:40:10.880 If you've had a good time, please, please, please hit the subscribe button. 00:40:10.960 --> 00:40:12.639 It would make us so happy. 00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:28.800 And before we go, I'd like to quickly thank our podcast producer, Carly Shiraki, our graphic designer Adam Selpst, all the wonderful storytellers in this episode, the staffs of Norma's and the Howland Cultural Center, and our incredibly supportive audience who've stuck with us over the years. 00:40:29.039 --> 00:40:30.719 We'll see y'all soon.