Fullständig transkription av Sara Chatwin: How do you manage your emotions in front of your kids?

00:03:20 Speaker 1: You're the one that I'm swearing at. 00:03:22 Speaker 3: It's like, come on, grandma. I think I may be the one that you're swearing at. 00:03:25 Speaker 4: No, no. 00:03:26 Speaker 2: Yeah, because on the motorway, you know, I have often had the remark from my children, my partner, you know, Sarah, you drive pretty slow. I'm in the slow lane. So, you know, granted, I'm in that slow lane. I'm not in the fast lane driving slow. Yeah. 00:03:41 Speaker 3: Hey, do you know what I think about driving? 00:03:43 Speaker 2: You've got to be really careful because you can back yourself, but you don't know the other drivers on the road. 00:03:48 Speaker 3: So I just live by that. 00:03:50 Speaker 1: Did you drive here today? Yeah, I did. Oh, because you've brought your daughter with you. I have. She was chauffeur. 00:03:55 Speaker 3: Driven by her mum. 00:03:56 Speaker 1: You can just give me the thumbs up. Does mum drive really slowly? Do you get embarrassed when she's... No, she's okay with it. 00:04:04 Speaker 3: Oh, she's being so sweet. 00:04:06 Speaker 2: She gave you the thumbs up. Was the ride here okay, Shaq? 00:04:11 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:04:13 Speaker 3: She's diplomatic. 00:04:13 Speaker 1: We'll find out in the break. 00:04:14 Speaker 3: All the time. 00:04:15 Speaker 1: Actually, but you know the whole thing about losing the plot? I don't actually know. I don't know what the answer to this is because I think if you are trying to be the perfect parent and never lose your temper in front of your kids, I don't mean at your children, but just at life, and something happens and you're like... I don't know where I sit on this because if you were to say, oh, you should never lose your temper in front of your children and let rip, I don't know if that's... if it's realistic or if it's, I don't know. 00:04:43 Speaker 3: It's unrealistic. I can answer your question. 00:04:45 Speaker 2: It is unrealistic to think that anybody will be the perfect anything, let alone parent, because there is no manual and there is no one way, you know, one size fits all, if you like. So perfection is a pretty big rod for our backs. And I do think that Of course, we don't want to let rip at our children. We don't want to be aggressive. We don't want to get physical. That is against the law and all the rest of it. But losing it sometimes is human. Being exasperated, agitated is human. And allowing them to see the process of figuring that can be quite helpful. So whilst I'm not a proponent of, OK, go out there and lose it in front of your kids for the heck of it, If you're a life lesson. 00:05:32 Speaker 3: Let's get agitated. 00:05:33 Speaker 2: I think that perfection and being the perfect parent all the time is just untenable. 00:05:39 Speaker 3: It's not going to happen. 00:05:40 Speaker 2: So if you can use a situation where you lose it as a learning, to teach them that, hey, you do get exasperated, but you need to self-regulate and it's good to think about actions and language and all the rest of it. 00:05:55 Speaker 3: It's There are some lessons there. 00:05:57 Speaker 1: So what would you say? Because I reckon it would be reasonably common at some stage for a parent to, without, forget their children in the room and just let rip about something like, you know, whatever. 00:06:13 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:06:13 Speaker 1: And it did, as did happen when I was in my car once and I'd just forgotten because my daughter's quietly sitting in the back seat and I just let rip on something. And I remember thinking, Oh, no, all those. I'm just such a hypocrite because all these things I've told about not swearing and things like that. It is funny because I still think that there is room as well for parents to say, yes, you have heard Dad swear, but it's sort of when you're 12 years old, you're not going to get away with it the way I can. 00:06:46 Speaker 3: Just to be honest. 00:06:47 Speaker 2: Well, I believe in honesty, and I think that if you have a moment like that and you are walking into that kind of territory where you're thinking, holy heck, I have just said some stuff that I really wouldn't want my 12-year-old to say, then you come out and you, you know, broach the subject and say, well, oh, I just lost it then. 00:07:08 Speaker 3: I felt really angry. And I said some. 00:07:11 Speaker 2: Pretty, you know, wild kind of things that I probably regret. Well, that I regret saying in front of you. 00:07:19 Speaker 1: Actually, I think that's it. I've suddenly realized what the thing is because I was jokingly going to say, well, if my mum was around, I wouldn't have said that in front of her and I didn't know you were there. And sometimes we do let off steam. 00:07:31 Speaker 3: We do. 00:07:31 Speaker 1: But it's not going to excuse you if you ever use that language in front of me deliberately. 00:07:36 Speaker 2: And also you could even lean into a little bit of an apology. Hey, I'm really sorry you had to hear that because that is not language that I would use around anyone really. I kind of had this image of myself sitting in the car alone and I forgot you were back there. 00:07:53 Speaker 3: So I'm really sorry you heard that. And wow, I lost it. 00:07:56 Speaker 1: Actually, yeah, it's not as bad as I thought. Because you simply say, sorry, I made a mistake. I thought I was on my own. 00:08:00 Speaker 3: And you talk about it. 00:08:02 Speaker 2: Because remember, from all the conversations that we've had in the parent squad, it's about keeping those pathways of communication open and allowing conversations to happen. 00:08:13 Speaker 1: That's the other thing around parenting is that I think if you try to be a perfect parent and all that, I think you are depriving your kids of the I don't want to be cliche with stuff, but they talk about rupture and repair and all those sorts of things, but that's actually how sort of relationships, I think you've used that expression too, but the whole making

mistakes and showing your kids how you deal with those mistakes, as opposed to mum and dad are perfect, they're always so regulated around me, I tend to think it's almost an isolating thing. 00:08:43 Speaker 2: Well, it's interesting because most of the research that you look at around relationships, whether it's marital relationships or you know, child-parent relationships, romantic relationships. It's not about the fights, the number of fights. It's about how you repair from any of those moments of, you know, adversity. It's how you bounce back. It's not about how high you jump. It's about how well you bounce. So I think as a parent myself, I don't use the term perfect and nor would I necessarily aspire to that. 00:09:19 Speaker 1: I wanted to resist that expression because otherwise we're just going to extremes to build a silly argument. But, you know, that trying to set the best example possible can be lemon hard work. 00:09:30 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really tough. 00:09:31 Speaker 2: And I also think that it's perhaps leaning into perfect examples for children that they feel they need to, you know, maybe that's when you get that that gulf between parent and child. If the child thinks I am never going to be that good, how do I get there? Because the expectation that they feel is so high. So no, I think that the conversation is important. The learning from an episode where a parent loses it is really important. The conversation, the chat, just how you deal and how you get through those moments is probably more important than anything else. 00:10:08 Speaker 1: I have noticed as well, and look, confession time, if you do let a couple of things slip in front of your kids, you really do have to focus on making sure that that's, I mean, I try not to, but I have, I think once you've opened that can of worms... the first one you feel mortified about. But I probably have used bad language in front of them when I go, I just shouldn't have done that. 00:10:30 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:10:30 Speaker 1: Because I've done it once. That's why I mean, I try to resist it. 00:10:34 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:10:34 Speaker 2: Well, I think most parents that are trying to be good parents try to resist those moments where you lose it. 00:10:41 Speaker 3: Some are just human moments. 00:10:44 Speaker 2: And I don't think we can spend a lot of time beating ourselves up about it. And certainly if you feel really bad about those moments, having the conversation lessens you know, the extent to which you will beat yourself up and perhaps teaches your kids that, hey, I'm human, I make mistakes. It's sometimes not okay. Sometimes it is okay. But you pick yourself up from that moment and move forward positively. 00:11:09 Speaker 1: Can you, look, is it possible to have, and just on the bad language front, is it possible to have a double standard? Because I do have this, I mean, when... You know you have used bad language yourself, but it's almost like kids know that, okay, Dad has used...

I'm not talking about... This is more a fictitious example, but I know examples where maybe Mum and Dad might use a little bit of bad language from time to time, but they won't let their kids use it. And I'm sort of okay with that double standard because, in fact, I might have even said to my kids, look, I shouldn't use that language either, but trust me, you try using that at school and you're really in trouble and somehow... As you get older, I don't know, there's a little bit of a double standard that can creep in. And I don't know where to go with this because I'm feeling like such a hypocrite. 00:12:00 Speaker 3: I think that. 00:12:03 Speaker 2: You always have to read the room and look at your audience. So sometimes when you're having collegial banter, dropping the odd swear word or expletive is absolutely fine. There are situations where it is somewhat acceptable and there are certainly situations where it is not. I mean, we've even encountered it on the show, right? It's not acceptable for somebody to ring in and drop the F-bomb or the C-bomb or anything like that on the parent squad. 00:12:31 Speaker 1: No. Especially when they're the guests, Sarah. Yeah. 00:12:35 Speaker 2: Tim, you're kind of pointing the finger at me a lot here and I've done none of this. 00:12:38 Speaker 3: Listeners, I want to tell you, I've done none of this. 00:12:41 Speaker 1: I don't think you need to explain. I think people know what I'm being about. 00:12:43 Speaker 2: But yeah, I think that, you know, we do try to teach our children to read the room and to understand that there is acceptability in some things to a point and then it becomes unacceptable. And obviously, after the age of 18, I mean, these kids of ours are making their own choices, right? 00:13:03 Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Actually, well, that's actually, I think that's pretty good advice because it's about understanding context. And so if dad's at the pub with his mates, we might use a bit of bawdy language, but I would just say to my kids, if you can imagine, if my mum was still around, would I talk like that in front of her? And I wouldn't. Yes. And I guess there is a contextual. 00:13:20 Speaker 3: There is. 00:13:21 Speaker 2: It's about reading the room, reading your audience, looking at the context. And then, you know, there are age-related changes and with regard to what's acceptable and what's not. Yeah. 00:13:30 Speaker 3: It's a lot about that. So- I think we've kind of solved a lot of the world's problems. 00:13:34 Speaker 1: We should just wrap the show up now. We're done. It's 19 minutes past five. We're just going to play Dolly Parton until the end of the show. But actually, we'd like to hear from you if you'd like to share your stories with us or your thoughts around how far do you go to regulate your emotions in front of your children? Are there things that you think I need to keep private? It might actually, okay, we've had a, accrued what I have maybe set the tone in a way it's all about language and being abusive and stuff. But there might be other things such as reacting to grief. For some people, sadness and tears are an emotion that they don't readily share in front of people. In fact, I'll be honest, I was a bit embarrassed the other day. In fact, I think I told my daughter off just because... So when Dolly Parton died and we're watching the news... and there was something about the imagination library and the work she did. 00:14:32 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah. 00:14:33 Speaker 1: And it actually brought a tear to my eye, and I was a little bit emotional. My daughter sort of cheekily says, oh, Daddy, you're a bit sad, and I told her to shut up. 00:14:42 Speaker 2: Don't have that fragile ego. 00:14:44 Speaker 1: No, but I did say, and then I said, sorry, honey. I said, yes, it is sad. So I sort of acknowledged it, but there are people who wouldn't want who'd want to hide those emotions all the time. 00:14:54 Speaker 2: Well, for some people, they're big emotions and they're very private emotions and they don't feel comfortable. And certainly, you know, around certain people, again, reading the room, there are some rooms that they're comfortable crying in and other rooms that they're not. So it's a very personal kind of a preference and grief is, My word, grief, is one that is just not linear for most people and shows up in very different forms and ways with people. So, yeah, it's a very personal thing. 00:15:27 Speaker 1: It is, isn't it? Because if you don't want to show the fact that you're sad about something as well, but. 00:15:36 Speaker 2: I don't know. 00:15:36 Speaker 1: I just would tend to think that you shouldn't hide that stuff either because– I don't. 00:15:41 Speaker 3: Know whether it's about should or shouldn't. 00:15:43 Speaker 2: It's about what you're comfortable with. And also, as parents of children, as the father of your children, you know them best as a father. I know mine best as a mother. So you can share what your family culture feels comfortable with and what you're used to. And for some people, that's a narrow band. For others, there's a lot of tears and emotions, and that's completely comfortable for their family with the culture that they've built within that family. Again, incredibly personal and very individual, a lot of variety in how people express themselves. 00:16:21 Speaker 1: I've actually got a text here that says, I was a single dad at 18, and I brought my son up as a harden-up attitude. But when I eventually found someone, and I had two more boys... I was a completely different parent because I was more mature and I guess to this day I've so many regrets because my relationship with my oldest is completely different to my other boys because I think they were brought up in a more stable relationship. I mean, that's just. 00:16:48 Speaker 2: I actually hear a lot of that with regard to some blended families and, you know, As parents, we're humans. We're going through stuff every day.

We're relationships, work pressures, stresses. So sometimes that can absolutely impact on how we parent. But I guess if I was that person, I wouldn't spend the rest of my time with any of those children beating myself up. I would just try to be as good as I could be. 00:17:17 Speaker 3: In that moment. 00:17:18 Speaker 2: And also, again, you can have the conversation with that eldest child and say, Boy, you know, when I was 18, because that's very young, you're a child yourself, I was so unaware of how to parent. And, man, you know, it was tough for me, and I guess it was tough for you. You could open a conversation and have some really good, you know, robust conversation around those facts. 00:17:44 Speaker 1: Because also, I guess, that first child who might have had, you know, maybe Muz, who it's from, felt it was– He was a less sympathetic father. I'm just reading between the lines. 00:17:56 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, that's how it sounds. 00:17:57 Speaker 1: But that child would have seen the way that dad parented differently when he was a bit older. And it's not going to be a surprise conversation if you say, hey, look, I think I was a bit tough on you. I learned a lot more through being a parent. 00:18:13 Speaker 2: It's an okay conversation. And also, you can invite that child to have some input because if there were any pressures or if there was anything that they wanted to raise, well, it's good to get it out because when you get it out on the table, you can deal with it. If it just remains in your head, in that nebulous space, it can become something that is more than it needs to be. Problem shared, problem halved. So if you talk about things, there can be some really good resolution. Yeah. 00:18:44 Speaker 1: Hey, look, we'd love to hear from you if you'd like to share your stories with us about how much emotion do you show in front of your children? I started the show sort of somewhat clumsily relating it to just losing your rag and road rage and all that sort of thing. But how much do you try and control your emotions in front of your children? And how much emotion do you share of what you're feeling? Because I imagine if you feel there's an emotion you're not coping with, you might be more private with it. But as for everything else, how do you approach misery, anger, joy, all that sort of stuff? Do you let them see it all or do you hide some of it away? 25 past five, Sarah Chatwin, regular on the show. She's my guest, psychologist at MindWorks. I guess I should, mindworks.co.nz. 00:19:26 Speaker 3: Yeah. If you're looking for- New website, go and have a bit of a gander. 00:19:29 Speaker 2: And also, I love the input that I get from your listeners after the shows that I'm on. 00:19:33 Speaker 1: Do you? What do you get? 00:19:34 Speaker 3: I get questions. 00:19:35 Speaker 2: I get- people asking for a few tips here and there, and I'm always happy to, yeah. 00:19:41 Speaker 3: So it's lovely. 00:19:41 Speaker 1: How do you put up with

that beverage guy? 00:19:43 Speaker 3: I know, well, yeah. That's a tough one to answer, that one. 00:19:46 Speaker 1: We will take your calls after this if you'd like to join us. We've got some other things we're going to dig into as well with Sarah, but we'll see where we go with the conversation. You're welcome. to give us a call. 0800 8010 8026 past five, Newstalk ZB. Newstalk ZB, this is the Parents' Squad on the Weekend Collective. My guest is Sarah Chatwin. There is something else we wanted to talk about in this hour, Sarah. 00:20:11 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:20:12 Speaker 1: And it's... probably the bigger topic aside of just throwing emotion was the topic of loneliness with children. And how would you know if your child is lonely? Because I mean, we all, even just adults, we have lots of acquaintances and people we know, but how many real friends do we do? And I've read around the place that there is quite a loneliness sort of epidemic going on, but I don't want to overstate it because that might've just been a headline to get my attention to read the article. But How is the whole, because social media getting lots of likes and clicks, that's not, you can still be lonely in that context, can't you? 00:20:52 Speaker 2: Well, I mean, like doesn't equal like. Like just means people have, I mean, in fact, interestingly in social media, sometimes likes actually can be derision. Somebody can post a photo and it'd be horrible and people like it because of a number of reasons. So a very unfortunate landscape with social media because all is not what it seems. 00:21:16 Speaker 3: What you get is. 00:21:17 Speaker 2: Not necessarily what it is. It's a very, very confusing kind of landscape. And yes, there is a lot of research that's coming out of Britain and America in terms of, and I would say it's five to seven years in the making of about the lack of proper connection due to social media, pandemics, things like that that do stand in the way of this, and children not actively seeking out connection. They're passively just going onto their devices and looking at platforms and apps and all the rest of it. So there's a gulf between what they're experiencing and and what actually is, whereas back in the old days when you used to have play dates where you actually meet up and you used to go to parks and see other people and parents, there was that real human connection in real time. So kids can be lonely. Parents don't necessarily see the depth and breadth of it. However, I still believe that as parents, And we talk about this a lot in the parent squad. We talk about having those, nurturing that relationship with your children from a very early age, I mean from birth, nurturing that relationship so that you are able to talk to your kids so that if you pick up a change in affect or mood or emotion, perhaps they're withdrawing, perhaps they're hyper, perhaps they're just very verbal. 00:22:54 Speaker 3: Perhaps they appear to be a bit needy. 00:22:56 Speaker

2: As a parent, if you have that relationship with your child, you can look at the nuance. You can actually pick that something is not quite right and then formulate a plan to have a bit of a conversation so that if they are lacking friendship, if they are feeling disconnected, you can just talk to them about that. 00:23:15 Speaker 1: Because some people are just loners as well. 00:23:21 Speaker 2: They are, yes. 00:23:21 Speaker 1: And happy in their own company. They are. And the last thing you necessarily need to do for a child who's happy is sort of just making their own way and they might have a friend or two or an acquaintance. I mean, how important, this is a dumb, I feel that this is a really dumb question. 00:23:36 Speaker 2: Right. 00:23:36 Speaker 1: Okay. How important is friendship for kids? I mean, for all kids? I don't know. 00:23:40 Speaker 2: Friendship is important, but you've just expressed something that is also very important. 00:23:45 Speaker 3: People are very different. 00:23:46 Speaker 2: So again, one size does not fit all. There will be some people who are incredibly self-sufficient. They like their own company. They may just have one or two friends. and that is enough. But as a parent, it's okay to check in. You don't have to create an issue or plant the seed of an issue in the ground and water it and grow it so that it becomes a huge issue. You can just check in from time to time just to ensure that things. 00:24:17 Speaker 3: Are going right. 00:24:18 Speaker 2: Like we say to parents to do with regard to social media content, you can talk to your kids about what they're they're looking at. You do have some control as a parent. You are the person, you know, who owns the place that they live in or who provides them with, you know, a roof over their head and all the rest of it. You have the ability to check in and see if things are okay. And then there will be kids who love having lots of people round and friendships. 00:24:46 Speaker 1: And all the rest of it. Well, you see, I mean, my daughter's... there's all this friendship group stuff. I'm not commenting on my daughter specifically, but I can imagine within those friendship groups, there are some kids who are just hanging in for grim, just to be part of a group when in fact they still might feel lonely. But some kids mask loneliness as well. So would there be signs that you should look for if you're concerned? 00:25:11 Speaker 3: Well, as a parent, you've seen your children grow. 00:25:15 Speaker 2: So if you see their behaviours change, And again, it could be at either end of the continuum. So it might be that they become incredibly withdrawn or incredibly hyper-energized. If there is something that just doesn't quite ring true, if they are presenting in a way that as a parent you think to yourself, oh, that's a little odd. I haven't really experienced that kind of behavior or language or whatever from my child. 00:25:41 Speaker 3: I wonder what's going on. As a

parent, often. 00:25:45 Speaker 2: It is easy to see this stuff because you're not in it, but you are around it. And also, if there is something that you feel you don't necessarily want to broach as a parent, use uncles and aunts and family, friends, adults that these kids love and trust who are good people to ask a few questions, you know, spend a bit of time. If you want to use that mentoring tool, um type of a relationship to unearth some of what's going on because sometimes kids won't necessarily open up to parents sometimes they will uh and often kids today don't want well they. 00:26:23 Speaker 1: Don't want parents meddling as well because it's like you might not be happy as a child but the last thing you want to do is mum and dad to go and try and find you a friend because that's like oh no the worst thing i can imagine in the world is like no no no no no no no you know i. 00:26:37 Speaker 3: Know that can be a. 00:26:40 Speaker 2: But yeah, I think that as a parent, you may notice behavioral changes, patterns and routines being a little bit out of sync. So if you're noticing those kind of things and it becomes something that you're noticing more and more, then it's probably something that you need to have a bit of a think about. And if you can't think of some strategies yourself, that's when you perhaps put it out to your partner, another guardian, a family member, a mentor, a coach, a somebody that that child likes, just to do a little bit of due diligence on the situation and see if some of your concerns are founded. Because again, you don't want to plant the seed of discontent if there isn't anything majorly going on. 00:27:23 Speaker 1: By the way, I've got some feedback from my texter who said, I was a single dad at 18 and talks about how he was a bit hardened up and then he softened when he was in another relationship. He just sent a message, and I think it's about you. It says, she's bloody good, Tim. I think that's a compliment for you there. 00:27:38 Speaker 3: Thank you, Muz. I think it was Muz, wasn't it? 00:27:40 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. 00:27:40 Speaker 3: Thank you, Muz. 00:27:42 Speaker 1: Anyway, we will take a moment. We'll be back in just a tick. This is the Parent Squad on Newstalk ZB. If you've got a question actually for Sarah, because on the sort of expertise front, you know, with parents, it can be a tough one if you're worried about loneliness and your child. If you've got any questions for Sarah or something you'd like to talk about, then give us a call on 0800 80 10 80. You can drop us a text, of course. because I realise sometimes with this stuff, if it's personal to family members and getting on national radio with your voice and everything can be a little bit of a challenge. But if you'd like to give us a call, 0800 80 1080 is the number. 00:28:15 Speaker 4: Text 9292. 00:28:15 Speaker 1: It is 22 and a half, not, sorry, 22 and a half minutes to six. Newstalk ZB 0800 80 1080 is the number. Gosh, Sarah, Sarah Chatwin from mindworks.co.nz, by the way, you're getting a few compliments in today. Here's another one. Sarah is awesome. Great parenting tips. I'm not used to this level of praise from like, you know. Okay. 00:28:43 Speaker 2: So we have had a few beautiful texters and phone calls in the times that I have been here. So don't you dare say that, but thank you everyone. But it is, I must say that when I leave the studio, probably for the next few days after our show, I do get a lot of input and it's really lovely. And even if there are, robust discussions. And a couple of people have pulled me up on my stance on social media and all the rest of it. And we've had really good conversations about why, as a psychologist, I come to the position of, yeah, I mean, we've got to keep an eye on how this is growing and what content our youth are viewing. People are lovely and it's neat because as yet, I haven't written any books, Tim, because I've been too busy parenting. 00:29:31 Speaker 1: Have you been thinking of writing a book? I think that would be quite a popular move. 00:29:35 Speaker 2: I have been asked, but the thing is, no, I've been really focused on four children. That's a lot of children to bring up and they're really nice. No, they're not perfect because I'm certainly not, but yeah, a lot of time went into that parenting kind of deal. 00:29:51 Speaker 3: You've met one of mine tonight, Tim, so I'm not all talk, okay? 00:29:54 Speaker 1: Actually, it's because you seem to me to be quite a youthful person. So when you mentioned that you've got grown up children and the youngest has grown up already, I'm like, I'm like, of course you were a child bride. I can't remember. 00:30:07 Speaker 2: I was pretty– well, I wasn't too much older than Muz, okay, for my first one, and I was married. 00:30:12 Speaker 1: Wow. 00:30:13 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. 00:30:14 Speaker 2: And, I mean, I think I learnt a lot. I could relate– I was a very young parent, actually, and I could relate to what Muz said about being harder on your first. I'm wondering whether that is a first child thing, though, because– You know, you knew at that gig. 00:30:32 Speaker 3: It's a new gig. 00:30:33 Speaker 2: How do you, if you don't have a lot of input from your parents or friends or, I mean. 00:30:38 Speaker 3: At the time when I had more. 00:30:39 Speaker 1: I mean, I was, the thing in our family, I come from four boys. 00:30:43 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:30:44 Speaker 1: I was never, ever, I don't like the word spanked, but I was never smacked. Spanked sounds, it's got a different meaning. 00:30:52 Speaker 3: Connotation today. 00:30:54 Speaker 1: Let's not go there. It does have a frisky vibe to it. I was never smacked as a kid for doing anything wrong. And my brothers, I think, used to maybe give mum a hard time like you never smacked him. But the thing is, by the time she got around to number four, she never needed to because she had mastered the art of, I don't know, whatever it was,

parenting. So you did have this I think that used to be the wooden spoon in the old days that my brothers might have got. But she would go to the cutlery drawer and rip it and pull the drawer open with a big rattle. And that would be generally enough to quiet the room down. 00:31:31 Speaker 3: To put them off behaving badly. I love it. 00:31:34 Speaker 1: But you do evolve, I guess. You do. 00:31:36 Speaker 3: Yeah, and things have changed. 00:31:37 Speaker 2: But also to my point, I think the first child, it's time. Because I had a brilliant mother who taught me a lot of stuff. But if I hadn't had her, I don't know whether I would have been such a kind parent to my elder two children. I have three sons and a daughter, so I– yeah. And I think it's just such a learning curve. 00:31:58 Speaker 1: Oh, so Charlotte must have got a really easy ride because finally here was the golden girl. We've had these three boys. 00:32:04 Speaker 3: She's my sweetie, yeah. 00:32:04 Speaker 1: And I bet she had a. 00:32:07 Speaker 3: My boys are probably listening. I love my boys. They're awesome. 00:32:11 Speaker 2: But she's a sweetie, and she's my only daughter, so she's kind of spesh, super spesh. But, no, it's– I mean, parenting is not an easy gig, and it's– and you know what I think is great? things like the parent squad, things like talking about these issues are so good because they allow us to know as parents that no one is really perfect. And it's so cool to be able to have the conversation. I think it's lovely these days that we are able to be open about things and talk to people. And often, you know, talking to friends and family is difficult. So now we have wonderful shows like this. 00:32:44 Speaker 3: We have health. 00:32:45 Speaker 2: Professionals who are neat. And who are very learned and skilled in helping us if we need that extra level of support. 00:32:52 Speaker 3: So it is cool. But, yeah, parenting. 00:32:55 Speaker 1: Hey, the love keeps flowing in on the text. Another one says, Tim, please say hi to Sarah for me. Sarah, sorry. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I slip every now and again. 00:33:05 Speaker 2: That's okay. 00:33:06 Speaker 1: She used to work for me in the UOA Tamaki Psychology Days. Nice to hear how much sense she talks. Cheers, Doug. So there you go. There's some more. 00:33:13 Speaker 4: Oh, I know. 00:33:13 Speaker 2: And Doug, I've got to tell you, Doug, my daughter was in some of your lectures. 00:33:18 Speaker 3: Sha, you know who that is. Love you, Doug. Doug was such a great tutor. 00:33:22 Speaker 1: He was one of my- This is just a big love fest today. What's going on? We almost need some background music of just hearts and flowers. 00:33:27 Speaker 2: Oh, my endorphins are flowing. 00:33:28 Speaker 4: I know. 00:33:28 Speaker 2: I know. No, that University of Auckland, I have been to the University of Auckland, University of Queensland, and I love- Those days are halcyon days for me. 00:33:36 Speaker 3: Oh, Doug, thank you. 00:33:37 Speaker 1: And another compliment. Stop the compliments, people. I'm used to the hate mail. Well, you can send me the hate mail as usual. 00:33:43 Speaker 3: Listen, I don't listen to any of that anyway. 00:33:45 Speaker 1: I think we've got a call coming in, and I'm just checking whether they're going to want to go on air or not, because otherwise I have a question which we'll use up the rest of our time. And no, we will go to Chris. G'day, Chris. 00:33:57 Speaker 4: Oh, hello. Yeah. Just wondering if it's not a little bit healthy for kids to be exposed to a little bit of rough and tumble every now and then. I mean, they're going to get that in life. 00:34:11 Speaker 1: You mean rough and tumble in terms of playful wrestling or giving them a clip around the ear? 00:34:18 Speaker 4: Rough and tumble is in life. They're going to get that in life anyway. 00:34:24 Speaker 1: Oh, you mean don't try and protect them too much from challenges? 00:34:27 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:34:30 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like spraying them with anti-infectant, you know. Disinfectant. They're going to get, you know, sick eventually. 00:34:45 Speaker 1: Oh, I mean, I don't think I'd deliberately make them sick, Chris, but. 00:34:50 Speaker 3: No, life is challenging anyway. 00:34:52 Speaker 2: So I think that the point Chris is making is that we don't want to sugarcoat everything. No, we're not saying that. And he made the point that life is challenging. So I think whether we try hard to avoid those challenges or not, there's always going to be a challenge. 00:35:05 Speaker 1: I think we'll pretend that was the point Chris was making. I wasn't sure where we were going with that one. But anyway. But thanks, Chris. Yes, thanks for that one. Anyway, I think we have to wrap it up because guess what? We've got to go to the sports wrap. We could almost keep you around for that. But hey, by the way, have you been watching? Did you watch the All Blacks last week? 00:35:26 Speaker 3: No, okay, move on. If I say I didn't and I was working, Tim, could I be forgiven? 00:35:31 Speaker 1: No, because it was at 5 o'clock in the morning. If you're working at 5 o'clock in the morning, it must be on the new book. 00:35:36 Speaker 3: I was. 00:35:36 Speaker 1: I think next time we should actually try and come up with some titles for the book when you start writing it because I've already got a bunch of them. 00:35:42 Speaker 3: You're putting pressure on me, Tim, but I love it. 00:35:44 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay. Hey, nice to see you. 00:35:47 Speaker 3: Nice to see you, too. 00:35:48 Speaker 1: And we'll look forward to next time. And we'll be back with the sports rep, Christopher Reeve, otherwise known as Superman. is in the studio to talk All Blacks and the league. Back in a moment.