UTSKRIFT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.260 --> 00:00:01.641
Welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
00:00:01.641 --> 00:00:11.396
My name is David Walton and I'm so excited to be transmitting this podcast dead sober, for the first time in about three months.
00:00:11.396 --> 00:00:15.544
If the quality deteriorates, you know why.
00:00:15.544 --> 00:00:20.592
If it goes up, you'll also know why Some of you will have differing opinions on this.
00:00:20.592 --> 00:00:27.361
Let's get started on this.
00:00:27.361 --> 00:00:28.001
Let's get started Today.
00:00:28.062 --> 00:00:33.232
I just wanted to talk more about my son, some things that happened this summer that I think are going to be incorporated into my stand-up act.
00:00:33.232 --> 00:00:37.826
I will say this is probably not appropriate to share.
00:00:37.826 --> 00:00:51.524
It is probably something that he will be, something that he will be mad at me for later in his life, if not tomorrow.
00:00:51.524 --> 00:00:55.871
It may affect him negatively in his social life and his ability to function as an adult in the world.
00:00:55.871 --> 00:01:12.495
It may negatively impact, rather, his ability to gain employment and to get into good schools and it could also require me reporting to social workers.
00:01:12.495 --> 00:01:47.481
But anything for the pod oh man, that's rubbish.
00:01:47.481 --> 00:01:48.525
I got some new material for my son.
00:01:48.525 --> 00:01:49.206
He's kind of like an engine.
00:01:49.206 --> 00:01:49.566
I mean it's.
00:01:49.566 --> 00:01:51.691
He's a really outspoken kid, really interesting, very, very honest and open, and I like he's got an.
00:01:51.691 --> 00:01:53.456
He's got an original take on the world.
00:01:53.456 --> 00:01:55.242
You know it's nuts.
00:01:55.242 --> 00:02:00.260
I mean he's learning most school doesn't teach him shit, so he's learning mostly from youtube.
00:02:00.260 --> 00:02:04.701
So it's mostly just ridiculous facts that you don't care about.
00:02:04.701 --> 00:02:11.384
Like hey, dad, did you know that you can grow back a finger if it gets cut off?
00:02:11.384 --> 00:02:14.967
And I'm like, oh, that's just sounds like some YouTube bullshit, louie.
00:02:14.967 --> 00:02:19.169
And then he grabs my phone, looks it up and yes, he's technically right.
00:02:19.169 --> 00:02:28.953
If you young enough age, you lop off the tip of your finger where there's still a little bit of nail nail bed, it will grow back.
00:02:28.953 --> 00:02:31.213
But anything below the knuckle and you're fucked.
00:02:31.213 --> 00:02:36.276
And I told that I go, louie, anything below the knuckle is you're screwed.
00:02:36.276 --> 00:02:37.937
Stop with this stuff.
00:02:37.937 --> 00:02:40.717
I don't want to hear about your YouTube facts.
00:02:40.717 --> 00:02:41.618
I do.
00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:44.825
I do have a very direct relationship with him.
00:02:44.825 --> 00:02:50.248
I think we've spent so much time together that we're kind of like a bickering couple that loves each other.
00:02:50.248 --> 00:02:54.485
Or you know he's bless the boy.
00:02:54.485 --> 00:02:55.247
He's never.
00:02:55.247 --> 00:02:59.681
He's never annoyed when I'm like, or he's never hurt feelings.
00:02:59.681 --> 00:03:02.935
So I'm like you're being incredibly annoying, get away from me, stop talking to me.
00:03:02.935 --> 00:03:07.164
Like you're being incredibly annoying, get away from me, stop talking to me.
00:03:07.164 --> 00:03:09.169
Nothing, no problem with that.
00:03:09.169 --> 00:03:10.170
So I like it.
00:03:10.170 --> 00:03:11.233
It's very freeing.
00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:14.923
However, I do scream at him, like today.
00:03:14.923 --> 00:03:41.693
I screamed at my son because I was hungry and I was tired and it was the afternoon and I was doing some BS errand that I shouldn't be doing for my kids, because we do too much for them and they need to learn hardship and we're not doing that.
00:03:41.693 --> 00:04:01.205
Just kids who think that we should spend an hour going to storage to find the fall motifs for the bedroom because it's after Labor Day and it's now time to decorate for Halloween, which is just absurd and I don't like it and I had to do it.
00:04:01.205 --> 00:04:03.688
I did it and I hated myself for doing it.
00:04:03.688 --> 00:04:29.540
So what I did, when I hate myself for doing it, is I take it out on my boy and the kid just has this very unfortunate specific palate where he basically eats a homemade chicken noodle soup, eggo waffles, maybe an English muffin here and there and then a tuna fish sub from Jersey Mike's.
00:04:29.540 --> 00:04:36.802
By the way, if you haven't tried Jersey Mike's this episode, they don't know it, but it is sponsored by Jersey Mike's.
00:04:36.802 --> 00:04:39.889
Jersey Mike's is single-handedly.
00:04:39.889 --> 00:04:45.851
There's only one in Maine, there's now two, but the first Jersey Mike's in South Portland.
00:04:45.851 --> 00:04:58.533
When I tasted their turkey with provolone Mike's way, that was the last time I ever even considered going to Subway One sandwich and I said I will never do a Subway again.
00:04:58.533 --> 00:05:00.060
Poor Subway.
00:05:00.060 --> 00:05:03.269
I don't even know how Subway still exists.
00:05:03.269 --> 00:05:07.331
I don't see anyone eating in Subways anywhere but Jersey Mike's.
00:05:07.860 --> 00:05:14.492
I feel bad for the employees, their rear delts just grinding the meat slicer all day.
00:05:14.492 --> 00:05:16.326
It probably looks like Rafa Nadal.
00:05:16.326 --> 00:05:18.964
If you guys watch tennis.
00:05:18.964 --> 00:05:25.754
Nadal had the sleeveless shirts and he kind of looked like one of those crabs on the beach.
00:05:25.754 --> 00:05:28.083
That's like walking all off kilter.
00:05:28.083 --> 00:05:29.925
One claw is just giant.
00:05:29.925 --> 00:05:33.052
Nadal was a lefty and his left arm was.
00:05:33.052 --> 00:05:37.146
I would say it was one and a half to two times bigger than his right arm.
00:05:37.146 -->
Load full transcript
00:05:41.120
And that's what I imagine the Jersey Mike's meat slicer.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:06:00.103
When they rip off their shirt at night after a long day at Jersey Mike's meat slicer, when they rip off their shirt at night after a long day at Jersey Mike's and take what's theirs and make love to their partner after a long day, I imagine just a bulging right deltoid, maybe with some tennis elbow or golfer's elbow as well.
00:06:00.103 --> 00:06:02.225
Just too much work on those ligaments.
00:06:02.805 --> 00:06:05.716
Anyway, back to my son and his tuna fish sandwich.
00:06:05.716 --> 00:06:09.935
I just for some reason think tuna fish has too much mercury in it.
00:06:09.935 --> 00:06:24.247
If you eat it every day when you're going to like all of a sudden have a kid who can't walk straight, evidently mercury F's up your balance, or he just turns into the Terminator from T2 and just I had to throw liquid nitrogen on him, all right, anyway.
00:06:24.247 --> 00:06:26.975
So my boy asked for Jersey Mike's.
00:06:26.975 --> 00:06:33.696
He's whining about it and he's had it like four times in the last week and I'm like we're not going and I just lost it.
00:06:33.797 --> 00:06:42.759
I just did my full monologue of like your life is so good and I, starting tonight, I'm making it really bad.
00:06:42.759 --> 00:06:44.610
So you know how good you had it.
00:06:44.610 --> 00:06:47.079
And we're going to reset your brain.
00:06:47.079 --> 00:06:49.346
We're doing no screens for a month.
00:06:49.346 --> 00:06:52.651
No, no jersey mics.
00:06:52.651 --> 00:06:58.062
Nothing, nothing you like is is going to happen.
00:06:58.062 --> 00:07:06.490
We're going to reset your dopamine so that you just start absolutely loving doing homework.
00:07:08.072 --> 00:07:16.098
So the truth is, if you just start absolutely loving doing homework, the truth is, if you just just for the same for us, same for adults, like right now I'm day two of no drinking.
00:07:16.098 --> 00:07:23.192
Actually, that is why I lashed out at my son, I'm sure of it.
00:07:23.192 --> 00:07:25.156
But no, we have got to stop drinking.
00:07:25.156 --> 00:07:26.846
It's after Labor Day.
00:07:26.846 --> 00:07:28.093
I can't drink anymore.
00:07:28.093 --> 00:07:33.877
That's why my addiction is better in this episode.
00:07:33.877 --> 00:07:37.814
But you lash out at the boy.
00:07:37.814 --> 00:07:40.257
You feel a little bad, but it did the trick.
00:07:40.761 --> 00:07:41.524
Let me tell you something.
00:07:41.524 --> 00:07:43.994
This kid got home and he was cooperative.
00:07:43.994 --> 00:07:46.153
He just sat there doing his homework.
00:07:46.153 --> 00:07:50.273
He never asked to do TV, he shot hoops by himself.
00:07:50.273 --> 00:08:05.396
And for those parents out there, you know it, sometimes losing your shit like an 80s alcoholic dad is exactly what you need to do to get your spoiled ass kids in line.
00:08:05.396 --> 00:08:07.350
Get it together.
00:08:07.350 --> 00:08:15.726
That's one of my favorite lines.
00:08:15.726 --> 00:08:17.529
Pull it together right now.
00:08:17.529 --> 00:08:19.413
Oh man, anyway.
00:08:19.492 --> 00:08:21.456
So I'm gonna work on this bit.
00:08:21.456 --> 00:08:22.137
I think it's great.
00:08:22.137 --> 00:08:32.059
You know my if, for those who have listened, I've got a a bit I'm working, working on about my son just being so direct and so open.
00:08:32.059 --> 00:08:37.075
I'm watching golf and he's like Dad, have you ever masturbated?
00:08:37.075 --> 00:08:39.971
It's just out of nowhere.
00:08:39.971 --> 00:08:46.317
I'm not going to get into that bit now, but there's something I'm going to add to it.
00:08:47.913 --> 00:08:54.498
The story basically goes like this my son is always you know we're very open.
00:08:54.498 --> 00:08:55.681
He loves to be naked.
00:08:55.681 --> 00:08:57.465
You know I'm naked.
00:08:57.465 --> 00:09:20.951
You know shower there's no, there's no hiding anything and he's just always been very wondered, you know, and hoped and prayed in a certain extent that his dick would be as big as mine.
00:09:20.951 --> 00:09:35.923
And then the other day we discovered that he had googled penis, vagina, boobs and sex and tits, I believe were his words that he had Googled.
00:09:35.923 --> 00:09:41.317
And this kid, he was in his room way too long.
00:09:41.317 --> 00:09:45.653
Our spidey senses went up and sure enough, he came clean.
00:09:45.653 --> 00:09:49.720
He felt like he was very full of shame.
00:09:49.720 --> 00:09:52.509
He thought he had done something unforgivable.
00:09:54.433 --> 00:10:04.932
And while I just want to make an announcement, I am strongly against, uh, pornographic material for 11 year olds, uh.
00:10:04.932 --> 00:10:37.981
But if I were to be honest about my own past, my very dear friend George, up here in Maine in the summer his older brother, we'll call him L Hart they had a terrific collection of penthouse and hustlers in their attic and I remember being 11 years old maybe 10, 11, and just absolutely being stunned and mesmerized by the pictures I was seeing in hustlers and penthouses.
00:10:37.981 --> 00:10:53.129
Now, of course there wasn't full penetration, if you will, in those days, but still it just seems so mysterious and intimidating and exciting.
00:10:53.129 --> 00:11:14.633
So very natural, of course, no shame, but I don't think it's particularly good for anyone's real brain to be hammering themselves with pornographic material and my wife is strongly against it only because sex is so wonderful.
00:11:16.985 --> 00:11:31.708
And the fear is that you know, what happens is kind of what I was recognizing when I was a bachelor in LA, where all of a sudden it was just like people were like, okay, yeah, like I got into eating ass or something.
00:11:31.708 --> 00:11:40.166
It's like when did in the 90s, there wasn't a ton of ass eating and then all of a sudden it was just like everyone wanted to eat ass.
00:11:40.166 --> 00:11:53.677
And I don't want anyone, I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, meaning myself, meaning myself, but it just seems.
00:11:53.677 --> 00:11:59.758
Seems like ass eating is just the equivalent of mish missionary position from the 90s, just like goes with the territory and I just think that that's obviously.
00:11:59.758 --> 00:12:23.725
Things have just gone haywire because everyone's watching so much damn pornography and I'm just glad that the german porn hasn't taken hold you know what I mean where everyone's just like, uh, I can't get off and unless you, uh, unless you poop on me, um and I do apologize to the germans listening, I really do.
00:12:23.725 --> 00:12:24.225
It's a bit.
00:12:24.225 --> 00:12:25.615
I'm gonna continue to work on.
00:12:25.655 --> 00:12:29.947
It was the first bit I ever did in LA and my only stand-up in LA.
00:12:29.947 --> 00:12:35.038
Uh, fecal philia, you know, loving of shit, also known as being a German.
00:12:35.038 --> 00:12:39.849
That's my joke, okay, so anyway, I digress.
00:12:39.849 --> 00:12:43.341
But the the real point is, I don't want.
00:12:43.341 --> 00:12:45.404
I don't want my kids watching porn.
00:12:45.404 --> 00:12:48.859
I mean, honestly, they're gonna, of course they're gonna.
00:12:48.859 --> 00:12:52.447
They're gonna go to a friend's house at some point.
00:12:53.089 --> 00:13:00.543
You know the protective mechanisms are going to be off, they're going to find a way, but this was a bit early and I was, I was concerned.
00:13:00.543 --> 00:13:14.148
Um well, we ended up having some great conversations, but really what ended up happening was my son, who had always, you know, told me how huge I was.
00:13:14.148 --> 00:13:28.966
Uh, I was taking a piss and he goes dad, your dick is tiny, and uh, and you know, I didn't really know what to say.
00:13:28.966 --> 00:13:33.311
I laughed and my feelings were not hurt.
00:13:33.311 --> 00:13:37.404
I'm on, remember, I made a solemn vow to be honest with you guys.
00:13:37.404 --> 00:13:39.600
My feelings were not hurt.
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:43.985
There was a little bit of a well, I guess that's over.
00:13:44.154 --> 00:13:45.500
It was like the end of a book.
00:13:45.500 --> 00:13:51.224
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away on the shelf to never be read again.
00:13:51.224 --> 00:13:52.602
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away in the shelf to never be read again.
00:13:52.602 --> 00:13:55.927
It's like there that goes, the bubble has been burst.
00:13:55.927 --> 00:14:00.182
My son now knows that people have absolute monsters.
00:14:00.182 --> 00:14:01.849
Thank you so much for listening.
00:14:01.990 --> 00:14:12.929
The way you can support this podcast is by going to Jersey Mike's and asking them to show you their right deltoid when they're slicing your meat.
00:14:12.929 --> 00:14:15.178
Go, man, that's got to be hard work.
00:14:15.178 --> 00:14:17.985
Can I see your arm and see what they do?
00:14:17.985 --> 00:14:22.202
I swear to God, they'll probably give you a free bag of chips or something.
00:14:22.202 --> 00:14:23.866
They want to show you their arm.
00:14:23.866 --> 00:14:29.683
I promise you, if you like this episode, folks, you know what to do Absolutely nothing.
00:14:29.683 --> 00:14:35.100
Don't leave a comment, don't subscribe, don't heart it, don't tell anyone about it.
00:14:35.100 --> 00:14:36.504
Keep it to yourself.
00:14:36.504 --> 00:14:43.448
You need these secrets and you don't want anyone to know what you're listening to.
00:14:43.448 --> 00:14:45.181
That's what this podcast does.
00:14:45.181 --> 00:14:46.474
We value your privacy.
00:14:46.474 --> 00:14:50.924
Don't leave any breadcrumbs about your online behavior.
00:14:50.924 --> 00:14:52.668
See you next week.