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JFM Episode 10 Audio (1): I'm Dr. Sima Desai, and this is the joy first method, where high achievers stop white knuckling their way forward and start building something that's actually theirs. Let's get to it. A meeting you called goes sideways and you spend the entire drive home blaming yourself for not being able to lead your team better and stay on task. You are 10 minutes late picking up your kids from school, and you're telling yourself, why can't I just get it together? Or you are you miss a deadline. And you're telling yourself, I should have managed my time, I should have gotten more organized. Why can't I just get things done the way I know I am supposed to? The patterns I see are pretty common and universal, especially when I am coaching one-on-one and we're working on challenges together. It's so interesting how these incredible Incredibly smart, incredibly capable, incredibly accomplished individuals are so quick to blame themselves. I recognize it because it's it's something I used to do so much more often. Last week I told you guys about the five lessons that I learned while after I took a fall while running. Another insight came to me afterward, which is, you know. There is a version of me that would have taken a tumble when I didn't see that uneven pavement and told myself, gosh, why couldn't I just pay attention? You're so stupid. You're so dumb. And what I've really worked on for myself is understanding how it is that I'm talking to myself. I would never say those things out loud to another person. And I honestly don't even think them that often anymore for of other people. And the reason is because it's not helpful. when you speak to yourself that way, like, I should have done this better. When you should all over yourself, I should have known better, I should have done better. that was so stupid of me. Guys, that's that's self violence. It is self-violence, not it's not just unkind. You are being very we are being very violent towards ourselves. It's not loving or compassionate. In every moment, we're doing the best that we can. And it is only from a place of awareness of what we're thinking, doing, feeling, that we can begin to shift our thoughts and and our belief systems. To be more loving towards ourselves. It's think about it, think about it like cooking a meal. If you are talking to yourself that way, it's absolutely showing up in how you lead, how you make decisions, and the outcomes of those decisions, whether you see it or not, it's actually in there. If you throw cumin into the pot when you start preparing the dish, you will taste it afterward. And I was in that moment after I took that tumble. If you haven't listened to that episode, it's just this one previous to this episode. There were a lot of insightful downloads, but one thing that I was celebrating was that I didn't spend a single second going, why didn't I see that uneven piece of sidewalk? I'm so stupid. I'm so dumb. I didn't blame myself. Importantly, I
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Because I wasn't blaming myself, I wasn't quick to shift that blame or throw off that blame to somebody else. I wasn't blaming the cars that I was worried about. I wasn't blaming my husband for, n not being careful enough. That wasn't true. He absolutely was being careful. But that's what we do. When we're when we're coming from our own place of ick, it feels really uncomfortable. And because it's so ingr incongruent with the truth of our true nature, our loving, expansive, non-judgmental, accepting nature of the true conscious self, it feels really icky. And and so our natural reaction is to throw off that blame or throw off that fear and project it onto someone else. A parenting example, you guys know how instrumental my kids are in helping me self actualize. When my child is not listening the first, second, third time around, and I get reactive, it's not actually about them not listening. What it's actually about is me feeling unheard, me feeling unimportant. Nine times out of ten, in fact, ten out of town, that's never it's never true. It's never about me not being important or me not being valued. It's that I'm delivering what I'm saying in a way that's that doesn't land, that is just ill-timed, or it's delivered without context for the full picture. And it's it's me making meaning that my kids don't love me or value me. in their decision not to listen. Sometimes kids just don't listen. And that's not wrong. They're just being kids. I think that that's true of humans in general. When we have, there's times and spaces where we're not following through, we're not being on the same page is it's deadly. But that's not often the case. And so in situations where we're navigating everyday challenge, everyday scrapes, bruises, getting knocked down, When we can treat ourselves with kindness and love and compassion, what shifts then is how we perceive ourselves as we relate to the situation around us. And it's what allows us then to decide how we're going to respond instead of react from a place of fear or anger. Okay, that was a really quick episode, but it was just something that I thought was really important to share. In my coaching work with clients, I will I will take them through a framework that's called crossing the bridge. And step one of crossing the bridge is awareness. And that the whole point of crossing the bridge is to start to create outcomes that we want instead of the ones that keep happening. So this particular podcast episode really is about step one of crossing the bridge. It is about self-awareness, about acceptance of where we are, what the situation is. And sincerely, my offer for all of you that that decide to take my words to heart today is to just do a quick inventory, a quick scan, a quick study. Notice how it is that you are talking to yourself in situations that are challenging and just honestly in run-of-the-mill day-to-day activity. Are you finding yourself putting yourself down, deflecting when people give you praise? And importantly, how how are you doing that to other people? Are you quick to criticize? Are you quick to to pump up but from an ingenuine place? Or are you constantly looking truly for how other people are showing up and celebrating their their their greatness, their uniqueness, their beauty in life? There's not a right or a wrong. If you find yourself in deep judgment and self-blame and self-doubt, you're not broken, you're not wrong, you don't need to be fixed. The whole point of this work of learning to live and lead from a place of joy is built on this idea of awareness, self-awareness, and building from that foundation, cultivating joy and love towards ourselves. So that what we build is built on a stronger foundation that's sustainable. It's built on the three seas of joy connection, creativity, community. And it is from this place of wholeness that we get to live life in a way that is more meaningful, more fulfilling, and more joyful. Okay, guys, until next time, be well. If something in today's episode landed for you, great, sit with it. And then share it. Send it to the founder who's running on fumes, the leader who's got everything and still feels like something's missing, the friend you keep meaning to check on. That's how this work travels, from person to person, the way real change always does. Follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if it's been valuable, leave a review. It helps more people find their way here. I'll see you next time.