TRANSCRIÇÃO 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.640
Do cheaters always cheat?
00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:05.040
You've likely heard that all your life.
00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:09.039
For the last thirty something years, I have worked with marriages in trouble.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:09.679
I'm Dr.
00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:11.679
Joby with Marriage Helper.
00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:13.199
And we get this question all the time.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:20.719
Since my wife or my husband cheated on me, is it true that I can never trust them again because of the fact that they're going to cheat again?
00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:23.519
I remember a couple I worked with several years ago.
00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:30.800
They had come to one of our workshops to see if they could potentially put their marriage back together, and he said to me, I don't even know why I'm here.
00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:34.079
My mom, my dad, my friends are all telling me the same thing.
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:36.799
Cheaters, once they cheat, they'll cheat again.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:42.960
I should never trust her, and so it's just ridiculous that I'm here trying to put this thing back together.
00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:46.159
Well, in just a minute I'll tell you how that turned out.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:47.679
But let me say this.
00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:52.479
If you start thinking that cheaters always cheat, maybe you should start breaking this down a little bit.
00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:56.960
For example, did you know that there are different kinds of extramarital affairs?
00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:00.640
There's one called a high opportunity low involvement.
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:15.760
What that means is somebody's at the wrong place at the wrong time, and maybe there's some extraneous things going on like ego out of control or drinking has been occurring, or they're mad at their spouse about something, and it can be a hundred different reasons here.
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:19.840
But because of that, they find themselves very susceptible.
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:24.159
And the next thing you know, they're in bed with somebody they shouldn't be.
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:31.040
It's the proverbial one-night stand, although, although sometimes it can be more than one night.
00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:32.959
It can be a few different nights.
00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:40.079
But here's what you need to understand: that particular situation is not a strong emotional connection between the two people.
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:42.159
It's primarily sexual.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:49.280
And you say, well, if the person does that, then if they're tempted by that kind of sex, then they may be tempted by that again.
00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:53.599
And the answer to that is, yes, they may be.
00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:56.640
But does that mean that they will be?
00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:01.840
Because see, if you believe cheaters always cheat, then you think, oh, it's just a matter of time, they're going to do it again.
00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.239
Need to go ahead and divorce you now and get it over with.
00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:10.319
And if your spouse has cheated on you, and if you want to divorce them, that is your right.
00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:21.120
But in a person in a situation where these high opportunity, low-involvement affairs, where there's no strong emotional connection, there's always some reason that happened.
00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:22.960
And what if you can figure that out?
00:02:23.199 --> 00:02:25.439
Is it because of ego that needs to be tamed?
00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:30.159
Is it because of the fact they're angry at you and that's not the way they should be handling it?
00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:31.680
Is it because of some other reason?
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:48.639
What we have discovered in over 30 years of working with marriages is if we can help people figure out how it happened, not just the person who did the cheating, but the other spouse as well, if you can figure out how it happened, so that you can rectify that problem.
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:52.000
And almost always it is fixable.
00:02:52.240 --> 00:03:09.759
And then if the person who cheated is willing, with the assistance of the spouse who was cheated on, to set up a boundary system so that I will not put myself in situations where that could potentially occur, then those people can go the rest of their life and never cheat again.
00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.400
So it's not true that cheaters always cheat.
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:17.759
We have witnessed those kinds of marriages be put back together and they actually worked out well.
00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:20.879
Now, again, it's your choice if you're saying, Oh, forget it, Dr.
00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:22.400
Beam, I'm never gonna do that.
00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.080
That is your choice.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:31.360
But I'm telling you, and I'll explain more about it in just a couple of minutes, that it may be well to your advantage to do that.
00:03:31.599 --> 00:03:33.280
Now, there's another kind of affair.
00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:36.000
Now, actually there's several, but I'm just gonna talk about three.
00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:42.800
And the second kind of affair I'm talking about is this it's an emotional connection with the other person, which turns into an affair.
00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:49.840
Sometimes we just call it an emotional affair if they don't have sex with each other, but most of the time they do.
00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.680
And you say, well, if a person does that, they're gonna cheat again, right?
00:03:54.879 --> 00:04:00.479
I don't have time to explain it in this video, but we have many other videos where I go into great detail about it.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:03.599
But there's a reason people have those emotional affairs.
00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:06.479
And they also have a shelf life.
00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:09.120
Now, not just emotional, but it can be sexual as well.
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:12.000
But it starts as that
Load full transcript
emotional connection between two people.
00:04:12.159 --> 00:04:13.520
It has a shelf life.
00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:19.680
And typically it's going to end within three months, but it could last as long as 48 months.
00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:22.240
But it's definitely going to end.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:29.600
Very seldom have I actually helped a couple where that has gone past 24 months.
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:33.839
And you say, 24 months, I just found out I can't handle this another two years.
00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:41.040
Well, if you just found out, it is highly likely it's already been going on for at least 12 months.
00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:43.839
You say, but but those people, they're going to cheat again.
00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:44.319
No.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:48.079
They're not cheating because of the fact that they're some kind of a sex addict.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:59.759
They're cheating because they allowed themselves to develop a relationship that was so strong emotionally with another person than their spouse, that it took over the relationship they had with their spouse.
00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:03.120
It became stronger than the relationship with their spouse.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:09.839
But that emotional connection, we have a word for it, we call it limerence, is going to end.
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.759
Now, you say, but but they're going to go looking for that again, right?
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:15.439
Not necessarily.
00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:23.040
You see, if we can help a couple figure out what's missing, particularly in the person who had the affair, what's missing?
00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:29.199
What is it that you're looking for in this relationship that you don't believe you have in a relationship with your own spouse?
00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:41.759
And if we can help them figure out what that is and how to repair that, so that now they become emotionally strongly connected to their spouse, then they're never going to cheat again.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:44.079
They're never going to be involved with anybody else.
00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:52.720
Now, I understand the emotional connection with the spouse will not be as ecstatic as that affair was, but it becomes deep and grounded.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:06:05.040
And people who get past that and learn how to be in love with each other again, they're never going to cheat again if they keep doing the things to keep that couple connected, the husband and the wife connected.
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:11.279
So, no, cheaters always cheat does not apply there, as long as they repair it.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:13.120
And that takes some skill.
00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:16.720
And that's why it requires typically professional help.
00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:20.560
Let's get past this, let's repair it, let's get it to where it needs to be.
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:27.600
Now there's a third kind that I'm going to talk about in this video very quickly, and that's the habitual affair partner.
00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:32.639
What I mean is these folks go from one bed to the next to the next to the next.
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:35.360
It may be one night stands, it may be three months.
00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:48.000
They may even think for a while they might be in this limerage thing I just described, but it doesn't last very long because really what they're looking for, they're not going to find in anybody's bed, including yours.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:50.079
You see, they have a problem.
00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:59.519
And yes, they will cheat again unless they get some professional help to help them overcome this problem.
00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:05.120
And then if they can actually get that, okay, they can go the rest of their life without cheating again.
00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:16.560
But that one is a little iffy because they have to get the right professional help, and they have to take advantage of that help and incorporate it into themselves.
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:20.399
And so you look at that and go, hmm, okay.
00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:21.199
So, Dr.
00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:31.519
Bean, what you're telling us is, based on your experience with thousands of marriages over the last 30-something years, you're saying that cheaters don't always cheat again?
00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:57.040
Most of the people, the vast majority of the people that we've worked with, once they get past that affair, and we can help them, both them and their spouse who was cheated on, figure out how it happened, what's going on, how to repair the relationship, how to put it back together where they're in love with each other again and have this strong connection to each other, the vast majority of those people never cheat again.
00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:10.720
But if they don't figure out how did it happen the first time, if they don't fix the problems, if they don't learn how to be strongly emotionally and sexually connected to each other, then yeah, it's definitely a possibility.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:16.560
And for people who are habitually involved in these things, it's not just a possibility.
00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:18.560
It's a probability.
00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:22.160
So what do you really believe about your spouse?
00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:26.160
You see the couple I started talking about where he said, I don't know why I'm here.
00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:31.199
I've been told once a cheater, always a cheater, I I don't even know why I'm trying to put the marriage back together.
00:08:31.439 --> 00:08:37.039
That happened back about 1996, somewhere in that range.
00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:40.000
So that's been a while back, as you can tell.
00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:44.559
They are happily married to this day.
00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:46.399
They figured out what happened.
00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:47.919
They figured out why she did what she did.
00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.360
They figured out how to repair the marriage, make it be what they're supposed to be.
00:08:51.519
--> 00:08:57.039
And since then they've had several children, who, most of whom were just grown already now.
00:08:57.200 --> 00:08:59.039
I am Facebook friends with them.
00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:04.000
And I get to see what's happening in their marriage and in their family, and it's all very good.
00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:13.440
So you see, the question becomes, and that's the question I ask him, is your wife a good person doing a bad thing?
00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:16.480
Or a bad person doing a bad thing?
00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:29.120
Because if at core she's a bad person, I can't help your marriage, and you can't either, because neither of us can fix a person who is bad on the inside already.
00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:30.879
You say, what do you mean bad?
00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:46.559
Lacking integrity, highly selfish, wanting what they want and expecting everybody else to do everything their way, who will cheat and feel that they didn't really do anything wrong because they have the right to do that because you blank, whatever it might be.
00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:52.720
Those people, if they really like that, I don't know how to help you, but understand this.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:10:06.639
The fact that your mom or your dad or your best friend, or even a counselor who has not met your spouse, but now is making diagnoses about your spouse, if they tell you that's a bad person, they're no good, it's never gonna work, do not.
00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:09.200
Do not believe them.
00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:11.600
They're all biased sources.
00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:13.519
You say, even the counselor?
00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:14.559
Yes.
00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:21.919
Because if your counselor is making a diagnosis about your spouse, not knowing your spouse, they are definitely biased.
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:23.919
Just like your mom, your dad, your friends.
00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.559
Now, I'm not saying your mom, your dad, your friends, or even the counselor.
00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:28.480
I'm not saying they're bad people.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:35.120
But they see your pain, they see your hurt, they're angry at the person that hurt you, and they're telling you, throw them to the curb.
00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:40.080
Which is what my mother used to say all the time before she finally left this earth.
00:10:40.320 --> 00:10:45.679
If they're a good person, don't buy into what other people tell you to do.
00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:47.440
Trust your heart.
00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:50.159
You know, I think she really at heart is a good person.
00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:56.320
What she did was a bad thing, but I think she's a good person doing a bad thing, not a bad person doing a bad thing.
00:10:56.559 --> 00:10:58.960
And and think about it this way.
00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:15.519
If indeed you believe that inside, the person who cheated, the person who hurt you, if you believe that inside they really are good people, then this can be remedied and think about what kind of a marriage you could have if that good person would re-emerge.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:18.399
The person that you originally fell in love with.
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:24.080
Now, can I guarantee you we can pull that person out again for you to see?
00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:28.720
Can't guarantee it because I don't guarantee things that unless I know I can guarantee it.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:31.039
But I'm telling you, we know what we're doing.
00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:36.240
And we have succeeded so many times in helping that exact same thing to occur.
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:37.919
And also think about this.
00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:49.600
If your spouse is a good person who did a bad thing, willing to get the help, and you need to be part of that, willing to get the help to fix it, how will that affect your children?
00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.080
You see, one of the biggest fears a kid has is losing a parent.
00:11:54.320 --> 00:12:00.720
Not necessarily to death, although that's a big one, but even they're living across town or they're living across the country.
00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:04.320
So what would it mean to your children now if you could figure it out?
00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:06.799
You say, well, children have to live their own lives.
00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:10.159
Look, you brought them into this world.
00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:11.679
They don't owe you.
00:12:12.080 --> 00:12:16.320
But because of the fact that you brought them into this world are some things that you owe them.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:22.559
And if somebody tells you that you owe your children nothing, these are people without integrity.
00:12:23.200 --> 00:12:25.120
I'll argue that to their face.
00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:27.360
So think about the future.
00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:35.279
You and only you can make the decision whether to try to forgive and learn how to get past this.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:36.639
But don't think.
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:40.320
You can just reset and everything's okay.
00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:47.919
You really do need professional help to figure out why it happened, how it happened, and how to keep it from happening again.
00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:49.679
Think about it.
00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:53.600
And if we can help you, please contact us.
00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:55.679
We have great success at this.
00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:58.399
We do it every day.