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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Oh, hey there! I'm back again to introduce you to another great show from my friends at Panoply: By The Book. Their latest episode is all about The Five Love Languages, and I think you'll really get a kick out of how the hosts, Kristen and Jolenta bend their lives to the rules of self help books.

By The Book is half reality show, half self-help podcast, and one wild social experiment. It’s hosted by comedian Jolenta Greenberg and her skeptical friend, Kristen Meinzer. In each episode, they live by a self-help book: Marie Kondo-ing their homes, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus-ing their relationships, and generally finding what sticks, and what’s just stupid. My theory: this podcast is secretly about marriage, and how you can change and grow with your partner. I think you're going to love it. And if you do, be sure to subscribe to By The Book, follow them on Twitter @bythebookpod, join their Facebook group, and visit their website, for more. 
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00:00:00panoply
00:00:04the following podcast contains explicit language
00:00:09my listeners it's me again you know me and old host FYI why I had to put these new show longest shortest time but I want to come back and tell you guys about another podcast I think you should check out you might remember and episode number 59 I spoke with my friends Kristen angeletta they host a runaway hit show called by the and on by the book they will pick up a different self-help book in every episode and then they will live by the rules of that buck the Marie kondo their closet The Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus their marriages it's a true joy and in their latest have something I actually picked up a book that I really meant to get to It's called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
00:00:55I'm so curious about how this book is going to play out in the lives of Kristen angeletta let's find out together and if you love the Family podcast it's called by the book be sure to subscribe in your favorite podcast app
00:01:13hey de llanta yeah Kristen you speak Japanese right yes I'm a little rusty why are you asking me if so would you say that you're bilingual then I guess we're done sort of or is it possible my friend you're actually try liquid that's not the five love languages you actually are trilingual because in addition to the languages you speak you also have the language in which you experience love Kristen are we about to have a Valentine's Day we are because I'm Kristen meinzer and Angela by the book
00:01:56good life is going down the drain
00:02:20and each episode of by the buckwheat use a different self-help book to live by follow it to the letter and went out on whether or not it actually changed our lives today our book is the five love languages how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate by dr. Gary Chapman Chapman has devoted his life to studying and helping relationships he has a masters in anthropology a masters of religious education and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary so he is a real doctor on like John Gray for Men Are from Mars episode exactly so according to his website Chapman is the man to turn to for help on improving or healing are most important relationships his own life experiences + over 35 years of pastoring and marriage counseling let him to publish the five love languages in 1995 the book is a New York Times bestseller and became the first in a series of many love language spin-off books Chapman says millions of readers credit has work with saving their marriages in the five
00:03:20Love Languages Chapman lays out his theory that there are five ways to express and experience love these ways or love languages are gift-giving quality time words of affirmation acts of service and physical touch Chapman believes everyone has a primary and secondary love language that is the easiest way for them to give and receive love someone who likes touch might rub your feet to say I love you someone who loves acts of service might feel loved when you empty the dishwasher and so on once you understand a person's love language you can more easily make them feel loved feeling love leads to better communication and overall happier relationship here is how you do it step 1 figure out your partner's love language observe how your partner gives love to others if they love cuddle their love language is probably touch if they bring you little trinkets all the time their language might very possibly be giving gifts if they beg you to take out the trash they speak acts of service if they're always
00:04:20adjusting a date night quality time is probably what they're Love Languages if they shower you with praise their love language is very likely words of affirmation if you can't figure out what your partner's Love Languages or your own love language restaurant starvation you and your partner can take the Love Languages quiz at Five Love Languages. Com step to shower your partner with love once you know your partner's primary and secondary love languages it's time to get to work the book outlines different tasks for each love language here they are if your partner's Love Languages words of affirmation put A3 by 5 card on a mirror that says words are important to remind you of that everyday give your partner a different compliment every day for a month you can also give them a discrete love note to surprise them for a week keep a record of all the affirmations you give your partner to get an idea of how much or how little you praise them if your partner is love language is quality time ask for a list of five activities he or she wants to do and do one of those activities a month for the next 5 months
00:05:20take time to share stories from your day together every night you can even have a let's review history night once every few months it's an hour or so to focus on five pre-plan questions like who was your favorite teacher what was the biggest mistake your dad ever made what was lunch like in your 5th grade cafeteria Etc to talk about those weird little things you might never learn about your partner and finally put sleeping bags on your living room floor for a night don't turn on the TV just talk and interact or Draw bath and light some candles for a hot springs experience at home if your partner is Love Languages receiving gifts to give your partner a gift a day for a week gifts can be something you make something you pick up after work even something you find in nature it can be a book that you and your partner read together and discuss you can even give your partner a tribute gift such as a charitable donation and to help all of this happen keep a gift idea notebook to make giving thoughtful things easier if your partner's love language is acts of service make a list of all the things
00:06:20partner asks you to do do one task a week to show your love ask your partner for a list of daily acts of service that speak love to them work those things into your daily schedule that one act of service your spouse nags you about all the time see that nag as a tag your partner is tagging that act as super important to them if you do it it'll be worth more to them than a dozen roses and a thousand love letters and if you have more money than Sparetime hire someone to do tasks you know your partner cares about if your partner's love language is physical touch hold your spouse's hand while you run everyday errands together like walking from the parking lot or sitting in church while eating together like your knee or foot playfully drift into your partner's when you tell your partner you love them hug them at the same time surprise your partner by coming up behind them while they're sitting and rubbing their back or giving them a massage finally be sure to show your physical affection in front of other friends and family that's what the book says
00:07:20so that's what we did for two weeks straight
00:07:33Kristen I have to hear about your first week of living by the five love languages alright so first things first as you know to lenta I am pretty suspicious of tests that put people into categories there are a few exceptions I love Gretchen Rubin and her four Tendencies but for the most part I think people don't fall into hard-and-fast categories I just don't think people are built that way that being said I sold her through reading the book and then Gene and I sat down to take the test online but right off the bat we found ourselves distracted by one category in particular do you want the gift do you want to get some fries with me with the president
00:08:21very very very materialistic only four questions and also but I don't know
00:08:31wow I like spicy Dean this is brought out some sides of Gina has been giving gifts receiving guess I'm receiving gifts as one of the five love languages and I fully respect you if that's one of your languages well I do not I feel like if you need presents to feel loved and maybe you don't even know what love is that it that at Chris and Rob's hard truth before even telling us about her experience living by the book I love this new Kristen oh yeah this is always been first then you know this I know this secret welcome World War I should say I finish since Dean finished in 30 seconds and here we are talking about our results after word alright so
00:09:29I'm almost tied between words of affirmation and acts of service and what about you will let me see all your 9 for both of them first of all I'm not at all surprised given this information I need to stop touching you cuz you don't care but I do think this actually gets to something that
00:10:13your Ideal World your hands would be all over me 99% of your waking hours and I think that it's great when your hands are all over me maybe only 60% and 60% of you which 60 but maybe not all over certain percentages of my files and left were
00:10:44you know
00:10:45understood okay okay so what about me what could I be doing differently I guess I could be doing more touching love you cuz it makes you feel great and I could be doing any I guess maybe you can touch me more I don't even really thought about it till I got a nine on touch
00:11:16and I can create more shared experiences that are related to touching maybe I'm pretty sure we'll just total of 35 seconds.
00:11:27Is very importantly dividing our relationship into what works and what doesn't
00:11:36I was just giving up sometimes to talk about my relationship
00:11:50real police girl really got from how much he touches me all the time you know I was also for Minnesota she has a little saying that goes like this crazy people don't like to be touched like saying I'm crazy for Minnesota that I love dearly I don't like to be touched I love to be touched but just not as much as their Partners touch them just not in certain parts of my anatomy test all the time that's what I'm saying yeah yeah massage my head and everyday for the rest of my life for 24 hours a day but some parts of me I don't want touched all the time that's what it really comes down to it
00:12:50I mean I guess I'll give it that because after that conversation Dean really did make an effort to be a little bit less hanzi which I liked but I mean still with physical with me but he just all over every part of me all the time which was nice and at the same time he's stuck to those words of affirmation and acts of service that he always showers on me that asked the way he is with me all the time it is in service for you I've noticed yeah I got to give it to him he does all the cooking and kisses all the housekeeping he sends me gchats and text everyday just to say he loves me and that he's thinking about me he sends me photos on the phone just to say I'm smiling I love you I'm smiling cause I'm thinking about you could not ask for more I didn't you mention the miracle morning episode that he wakes you up every morning by massaging your legs
00:13:50have to confess I've never reciprocated that foot massage thing and he's like no no return massage so bad and so I decided to turn the tables when he was struck with a case of foot pain I actually did research I watched a bunch of videos I found out the best kinds of massages to help his foot ailment and then I got to work and here we are during that massage is that make it feel better
00:14:24I think Center
00:14:26how does it feel to have me rubbing your feet today instead of you rubbing my feet today okay so since your love language is touch closer to me once or sitting on the couch having quality time and I'm rubbing your foot do you want me to be rubbing your feet more often trucker right now sorry plantar fasciitis I'm giving you a plantar fasciitis massage
00:15:06you can hear him like he's so darn cuz he wants more massages from you but he's clearly in so much pain in leg does not like that, all he wants to encourage like future massages so much in his Beautiful Pain was 99% gone the next day it was painful but it wasn't necessary healing touch I gave you
00:15:40okay other than torture his foot with your touch what else did you do I did so much but you know what I'll get to that in a week to first I want to hear about your week 1 of living by the five love languages I started very skeptical relationship Book Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus horrible left a very bad and sexist taste in my mouth I'm kind of I believe our relationship books exist to tell men to stay the course and women to just change everything about themselves yeah exactly so you know I do not have high hopes for any relationship book I was reading the five love languages I found a glimmer of hope in the chapter on acts of service Chapman says this and that I really like that he says
00:16:34remember there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse hello that's actual go to ask you basically calls out due to a lot of chores or Woman's Work inside lag why do you want hold the door and hold a broom once in awhile or like do you want your relationship to be ruined because of your male pride like I love that advice so he had peaked my interest totally after he was trying to figure out what my love language was and what my partner Brad love language was on for us it was clear to me just from reading the book what are primary and secondary love language is our love language is acts of service and my secondary love language is touch and bring his primary love language is words of affirmation is secondary is quality time so how'd you get started once you knew what
00:17:34love languages were first I tracked how often just for a day cuz we only have two weeks I don't have a week to try and what did you find out 0 * Kristen oh my God you are the worst love him so much what I do but I just like I do not say literally love language we just open your mouth like this LOL I know
00:18:10how did he feel about that we had a little discussion about this take a listen, like I only take a plan Friday knocking me down and pleasant for you I was like
00:18:37Rhonda does amazing kids fun blah blah blah I'm like I don't know if this is so foreign to me like
00:18:47I'm sorry you can't even joke compliments
00:18:58words of affirmation yes really
00:19:03I know you don't hate me but like does it make me feel like I'm sorry I'm not good at that like I will try to do a better job because I notice is so wow that's kind of one of your love language I sort of say things and I'm realizing he's not Teflon and he like carries those things with him in like Words matter. I put up A3 by 5 card on my bathroom mirror important let's review history
00:20:03for dinner we turn off our TV we sat at our table. On our couch where we often eat dinner and we talked about our favorite teachers are big for my God that's so much fun I'll do you remember who would you want to hunt High School correct mean teachers and like hell blown or kids like I would just like it so transparently time traveling Coast cuz you want to go back to a certain era don't you don't think so I would just be there to be like don't worry I got your back like doesn't matter when that's nice that's actually really sweet I like that I like that I got really lucky Kristen because it was Brad's birthday so I was determined to affirm and quality time the shit out of him
00:21:01on the morning of his birthday I gave him this card happy birthday
00:21:11I don't
00:21:19my thing immature throughout the years has been an amazing going to being a strong driven voice report in a passionate and skilled Baker sexy bearded mountain man
00:21:43add doting dog Papa I do feel like a dirty dog, and expert trash and recycling taker outer should be your wife I'm using words of affirmation in this card donut maker let's fix that will you join you tomorrow after class together and a few feelings and lenses love you and
00:22:26oh my God that's an amazing birthday present it's quality time and the way it's written out those are serious words of affirmation as wrote a bulleted list that is 100% a plus plus plus plus how are speaking his love language all the way I'm so impressed that's not a guess what the room before I started the movie I give a quick little toast in front of everyone for celebrating this special day with us oh my God you were giving him words of affirmation in front of other people oh my God also I'm never heard you say the phrase special day before thank you cards are important I force myself to give a stupid toast I didn't think anyone would even notice that made an impact the next day after the party Brad said this
00:23:24yeah you know it like the highlight of my day was yesterday when you meet a toast from me you would like you were forcing yourself to do it because it's like not your bag but you got you said like you know turning 33 and you just like said a few words about your husband in front of other human beings and it was very impressive that you were putting yourself out there
00:24:10oh my God you went to that totally touched it yet have they made a huge impact on his human heart all of this she asked me for a list of things he could do to meet more of my love language needs he did this just out of the blue because he felt so loved by me oh my God that is killing it for you too it's crazy it's crazy just seems like a good point in our conversation Kristen to have a little break so let's do that and then we'll get to your second week of living by the five love languages how does that sound it sounds like a rape
00:25:06Creston how was your second week living by the five love languages alright so weak to Dean and I were doing all the things we normally do taking walks going on dates he was doing housework and sending me those love notes he always sends me and you know all of the stuff just fortunately feeds into our love languages but one thing I haven't mentioned yet was that during this entire book Dean and I were also in the process of moving sounds like a living nightmare I can't believe you moved it was tough but it also occurred to me that maybe the move forced us to flex our love language muscle here I am discussing with Dean to feel like this was exhausting and stressful but you feel like maybe this was also a shared experience
00:26:02a while ago now I figured I know you're talk to you about life-changing magic of wanting to die yeah you moved into my place where is this is us moving into a place which is pretty awesome It's a Wonderful Life calendar right there there's your Jesse Ventura. All right there on the on the top of the kitchen there's a wine fridge
00:26:36I'm sitting pretty exhausting trying to live by this book will also trying to do a move but but it's good to stay up tonight and help carry boxes you need that
00:27:06also if you carry the box but no those were his acts of service, I have a crush on both of you right now like that so cute thank you and you know the process of hangout photos on the wall and setting up our kitchen and having our stuff intermingle all of that was literally sharing our experience our space are objects and that was special to him because of his love language but I was just special to us as a couple who got to feel that we were more cohesive in some way after all of that reframe thank you that sells but like hey this is like our first like crazy shared living experience together or like our 30th like to look at it as an adventure you're going on together as opposed to this like
00:28:06horrible to do list is so refreshing yeah and so then at the end of the week after all of the moving after everything else that we were up to that week I decided I'd try to end the week on a high note by creating a nice memory in our new home that involves both touch and a shared experience and here we are doing that I'm nervous
00:28:29this was a wonderful idea to feel like we're on our honeymoon again does it feel like a shared experience or does it feel like just a memory of a shared experience would be a shared experience and make us remember another really good shared experience and then we would be touching because you like the love language of touch out of the park on this one baby I love you little girls before I love it I love it I like you can hear the love and his boys and you are clearly crushing it with Dean
00:29:29even though you're gross thought I was doing alright how you were doing during week too so my week 2 started with some hardcore quality time at donut making class Donuts than I ever thought was humanly possible and I hear we are debriefing on the train after I class that were putting yourself out there and like
00:30:09and not just saying like this is Brad's think I'm going to like think about other stuff you would like to hear anything with me I was so much fun to have you there so long my turf or whatever you want to call it if you were better at half of it than me cuz I have coordination skills affair on things like a human
00:30:34you're a good Baker
00:30:37you ask a question for clap
00:30:42you're welcome. Nice if I like we were dating you know why we were in the class I started to think about how can we just give him shit about being obsessed with activities and like always eating to be on the go and I'm very much a homebody this gift of quality time reminded me that not all activities are draining and soul sucking and I enjoy doing things with my partner even if there's things that he loves more than I've loved and how was the rest of your week was good I worked hard at saying nice things to instead of teasing him all the time I tried to find little moments of quality time for us to we turn off the TV at dinner
00:31:42watching some sports which I hate and still hate but I really appreciated that and as I did I started noticing without me even saying a word I really like laying out my love languages that much when he comes home I go for the stuff down and like hug the dog
00:32:10but I also don't run to him when he comes in the door
00:32:15it's like that's more Frank's thing that mine he hugs you when he gets home now and yeah you know how you said at the end of week one that he asked you to give him a list of things that yeah whatever happened with that she started doing chores without me it was incredible and it drives me insane cuz he loves cooking but not wiping the counter after totally stepping up his game while we were watching TV so sure I do get foot rubs from Brad all the time they are my favorite thing it's like my number one touch that I love
00:33:15Keith Sweat Rob which they are like when I ask Brad to rub my feet he didn't say a word other than sure I just took my seat and started rubbing formation quality time he like didn't even notice when I asked for a little bit of touch oh my God it's totally working the five love languages it's working in your relationship really like the back I'll go he did not read it she was actually Kristen he was being serious about what your love languages were and when I told him that you're to share the love language words of affirmation he had this great Insight listen love languages
00:34:11Texas service formation maybe she likes to have nice things said about her in public settings to
00:34:35she spends most of her time bashing me I love you just full of all the things you do
00:35:07oh my God is that why you've been so nice to me the last two weeks
00:35:15I'm just trying to give you just tell you all the things I feel but like Brad reminded me I don't tell you those things don't tell just like send you an emoji or something it all comes together know you've been like the sweetest you have ever been the last year it has been such a thing for you been checking in on me telling me you love me and value me and it's made the last couple weeks which I've been really tough so much easier to use words of affirmation from jail so I really am sorry if I tease you too much and like it's something I'm working on it all of my relationships not just with no oh my God no no I never want to be uncomfortable again but I do love you and Jean and will give you words of affirmation from outside the tub all right
00:36:15I'm at awkward node let's remind listeners we love hearing from you guys have you lived by the five love languages do you love words of affirmation are you in those gifts people if so we really want to hear from you explain gifs more to us I do I just want no more explain it all share your story at buy the book at panoply or at 5:05 510
00:36:52okay Kristen it is time to get down to business did the five love languages actually work would you recommend it alright so here's the thing I did not want to like this book and I still think that love language about gift is freaking bogus how I cannot wait to hear I did get me and Dean talking about the one change he could make to love me better you know being a little less fancy and I really appreciate that I do what about baby hands of Corsicana
00:37:31bring it up you don't want to hear that and I don't like no and I want to hear it also got me thinking about ways I can make Dean feel more loved through touching and planning shared experiences you know I admit it so often I just let Dean do all the caretaking and that includes coming up with ideas for share experiences and I'm going to do more of that planning from now on so yeah I'll say it my verdict is I endorse this book I just said yeah how about you okay
00:38:09oh my God by 5 yeah yeah just doing chores all over the fucking play I haven't had to yell I'm not your mother I have one of them in the past two weeks that's incredible card to use my phone like she felt really loved I felt really loved I think it help both of us get over our own insecurities and put focus on each other and just giving more so that is great so we can recommend dang it I just have one and she was like yeah that all sounds great but she was also very short of War me that this book works but I cannot fix like huge issues from your past
00:39:09Gary is the real PhD but his advice I don't think we'll fix big deep issues between people that his name of this book is still like most relationship books like to stay in a relationship and doesn't make it as big of a thing as some relationship books too but I still want to draw attention to the fact that this works wonders when your foundation is like okay I'm outside but I worked really hard to have like an okay foundation with my partner and adding The Love Languages to that fucking great
00:39:56flashlight for this episode of buy the book our producer is Cameron Drew's he likes words of affirmation so feel free to send any positive glowing reviews you have to him or managing producer is malleable and I don't know what four Love Languages but I'm guessing it's not gifts cuz that's stupid and she's a fighter and to Andy Bowers at panoply as always we love hearing from you stay in touch. That's my sister hand let us know if you've done the five love languages and how it worked or didn't work for you also questions or suggestions for future books for us to live by our email address is by the book at panoply. FM you can also tweet us at Jewel entegee at Kristen meinzer or at buy the book pod and don't forget to leave us a voicemail at 5:05 510 book also please
00:40:56please please read us and review us an apple podcast that helps other people to find the show and if you haven't already tell a friend about the show tell your lover about the show I just use the word lover I hate that word listen to me when you're in the hot tub with your lover just whisper
00:41:12in their ear do that for us with your spouse yeah absolutely do all of that and I'm customizer thanks for listening
00:41:33then we would be touching because you like the love language of touch

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