Full Transcript for Because You've Been Conditioned

where this creator is talking about the study of proximics, which essentially is like the study of spatial awareness, spatial understanding. 00:02:54.719 --> 00:03:07.520 And several studies have shown that typically in socially dominant groups, those people expect are conditioned to believe that they have a larger physical bubble. 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:10.719 And that got me fired up again. 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:12.479 Because what do you mean? 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:19.439 Within that conversation and why that happens, there's another thing going on, as there usually is. 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:21.759 There's another underlying context. 00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:40.240 And that underlying context is not only does the socially dominant group expect larger bubbles in public, but as someone not in the socially dominant group, I have been conditioned to be out of the way and respect that bubble. 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:58.479 And even in my awareness of this particular example, even in my awareness of the ways oppressive systems that benefit the socially dominant group, I talked about this and how those systems aren't really that beneficial in the long run in last week's episode. 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:00.000 Victim of the same system. 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.280 So be sure to check that out. 00:04:01.520 --> 00:04:11.919 But even being aware of that system, I have also been conditioned to subscribe to it, to operate within it, to have my own subset of behaviors that fall under that. 00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:18.079 And no, that awareness does not automatically cure me of those behaviors. 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:40.160 So much of it becomes so unconscious and innate that there are times that I catch myself doing things and behaving a certain way that I have been conditioned or nurtured to believe are correct when really I'm just like closing the lid on the box that society has put me in. 00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:42.959 It can become such second nature. 00:04:43.120 --> 00:05:06.639 Think about like when you're driving your car and you're going somewhere after a long day and your mind is caught up in so many other thoughts, you're consumed with your train of thought zigzagging and zooming all over the place that you eventually arrive at your destination or you arrive at the wrong place, not even remembering the drive over. 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:15.360 That repetition and that behavior becomes such second nature that it takes so much internal work to like dismantle. 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:23.759 Another really good example of this is I used to be someone who would be standing completely still. 00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:28.319 Again, this is about spatial awareness because it is my biggest pet peeve. 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:37.600 All of my issues with the general public can be folded into a pretty little package of a lack of spatial awareness. 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:52.480 But you can be standing completely still, stationary, not buried in your phone, minding

your business, hands to yourself, in your own very tightly contained bubble, because your expectation is not that you have a larger bubble. 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:59.920 You can be stuck in your skin-sized bubble and someone bump into you and you apologize. 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:00.560 Hello? 00:06:00.800 --> 00:06:02.079 Why would I apologize? 00:06:02.240 --> 00:06:03.360 I have not moved. 00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:05.040 You want to know why you apologize? 00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:07.120 Because you've been conditioned that way. 00:06:07.360 --> 00:06:15.040 So I have been in this awareness and in these tiny little mini protests for a while. 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:22.560 That example, because I see so many other people do it, I have stopped apologizing. 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:23.759 Unless I'm wrong. 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:26.800 If I'm actually wrong, then I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. 00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:33.040 If it is such an inconsequential thing, or I bump into someone, I'm gonna apologize for that. 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:41.360 But if it is such a small miss, or me and somebody else bump into each other, and they go to apologize, it was a mistake. 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:44.639 There's no reason, like we're fine, everything's okay. 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:48.480 You didn't see me standing here because you were wrangling a kid. 00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:49.199 That happens. 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:49.759 I get it. 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:54.000 And so I've stopped letting people apologize to me for that. 00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:58.879 But I also don't have time to be like, do you know why you apologize to me, ma'am? 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:01.920 Maybe I'll be like, hey, I have a podcast, you should check it out. 00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:04.319 I talk about this exact thing you're doing right now. 00:07:04.480 --> 00:07:07.120 But right now, I usually just say, Oh, no worries, you're perfect. 00:07:07.199 --> 00:07:08.160 Or don't worry, you're perfect. 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:09.439 You're perfect, you're perfect. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:20.800 I always say you're perfect when someone apologizes to me over something that is so inconsequential that it does not need you to be sorry for taking up space. 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:26.639 Those are my two, like at the forefront of my mind, little acts of rebellion that I do. 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:31.600 And on the one hand, they definitely make me feel pretty good. 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:48.720 I don't know how much they're really doing to break down the systems that have labeled me and prescribed me a set of default behaviors that I'm supposed to do to abide by to fit into societal norms. 00:07:48.879 --> 00:07:53.920 Like in the grand scheme of things, bigger conversations are happening. 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:57.120 Are my two little will collide? 00:07:57.519 --> 00:08:01.920 You can mess around and find out, but I'm not stepping off this sidewalk. 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:10.959 Is that moment or my you're perfect, like throwaway comment, letting that be my throwaway comment instead of, oh, you're fine, I say you're perfect. 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:15.439 Is that doing anything in the grand scheme of things? 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:20.639 It's not enough to dismantle oppressive systems by playing chicken. 00:08:20.879 --> 00:08:30.720 Even if in the moment when it's happening, and I'm very aware in those instances, specifically this sidewalk instance that I can't shut up about because it drives me nuts. 00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:33.759 I'm very aware in those instances. 00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:39.039 Like, I feel like Katniss Everdeen when I don't move off that sidewalk. 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:42.559 If we burn, you burn with us. 00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:47.519 Like we're gonna get into kerfuffle if you don't move. 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:49.120 Because why would I move? 00:08:49.279 --> 00:08:56.879 It can't be my job alone to take down, in this specific example, the patriarchy. 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:07.039 So maybe standing on the sidewalk and maybe tailoring my language instead of saying, oh, it's fine, and brushing it off to say, don't worry about it, you're perfect. 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:09.360 Maybe those are enough. 00:09:09.519 --> 00:09:26.240 On the one hand, I can see that again, maybe those are enough, that there are little ways that I am conscious and aware in trying to dismantle the unconscious behaviors I enact to follow the guidelines of the labels that have been placed on me. 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:54.480 And also, if we're being realistic, I am sure that there are a thousand little things that I do every day, day to day, that enforce or instill limiting thinking, limiting beliefs in my mind about who I am, what I'm capable of, who other people are, the ways in which I categorize other people and put them in oppressive states or behold them to oppressive labels is my sidewalk game of chicken addressing those. 00:09:54.639 --> 00:10:06.240 I think an example of this is if you've listened to the last 15 episodes of this podcast, then I think you have a pretty general sense of who I am to some degree. 00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:07.919 We're getting to know each other, don't worry. 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:09.919 I'm sure you'll know so much more about me. 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:25.519 But I think that a good example of the thousand little things that I do and the work that goes into trying not to uphold behaviors that reflect a belief system that I don't agree with. 00:10:25.840 --> 00:10:32.960 I have a local restaurant and bar that I love, that me and my friends go to all of the time. 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:39.200 It's very important to me if I'm going to frequent a restaurant that I know people's names. 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:40.080 That's important to me. 00:10:40.159 --> 00:10:41.360 It's important to my friends. 00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:47.279 And there is a bartender at a local restaurant that uses they, them pronouns. 00:10:47.519 -->

00:10:57.519 The times that I have gone with friends who have been there a bunch of times and I say, oh, so-and-so is on the bar tonight, they totally understand who I'm talking about. 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:05.919 But when I go with people who have never been and I'm talking to the hostess, I say, who's on the bar and they tell me who it is. 00:11:06.159 --> 00:11:22.639 When I try to explain who this person is, out of all of the other strangers that my friend doesn't know, I have a hard time trying to describe them and give them descriptors that don't follow a gender norm that they don't subscribe to. 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:25.279 And again, I'm aware of that happening. 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:29.600 I'm aware of the system that wants me to use particular pronouns. 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:35.360 I'm aware of the system that wants me to use particular adjectives to describe this person. 00:11:35.600 --> 00:11:42.320 And in the moment, I am fighting for my life to not subscribe to that. 00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:53.039 So think about all of the little ways that I am aware of the system and not aware of how it has trickled down and affected me. 00:11:53.200 --> 00:12:04.879 Every new one I learn about or I discover is like I was 22 before I realized that band-aids are the color they are because they're made for white skin. 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:05.440 What? 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:06.720 I had no idea. 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:09.120 I just thought that was the color of band-aids. 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:11.120 No one told me this information. 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.279 And I just accepted it because if I got a cut, I gotta cover my cut. 00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:25.120 So there are so many things that are happening and I'm operating in and I'm doing myself that on the one hand, I'm like, why try? 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:31.279 Why do these little behaviors even matter if in the grand scheme of things they're not making a difference? 00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:36.399 And then on the flip side, I'm like, well, all little things make a difference. 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:40.320 I guess both of these things are fair and valid. 00:12:40.559 --> 00:13:00.159 If you are someone who is being super intentional and doing big work to dismantle oppressive systems or reach across the aisle and be a helping hand, if you're doing the big, noticeable award-winning things, I think that's great and that's beautiful. 00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:07.440 And I love that you're in that season and I appreciate you like running the race for those of us who can't right now. 00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:26.720 And if you're on the flip side and all you can do is small things, if you are, you know, like too busy trying to be a survivor and survive in this economy or survive in this oppressive system, and all you have are your small micro behaviors, that's valid too. 00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:32.320 I think I talk a lot, a lot, a lot about grace on this podcast. 00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:34.240 It is my middle name. 00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:37.440 Um, genuinely, I'm not trying to be funny, but it works. 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:42.960 It's it's a double entendre in a way, because grace has a definition, but I am also Grace. 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:51.279 So I talk a lot about grace on this podcast, and I talk about showing yourself grace and showing other people grace, like extending that. 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:55.600 And I don't necessarily want to continue to reiterate that. 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:57.360 I'm sure it will eventually. 00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:01.600 We could all use a little bit more grace in this world than in our day-to-day lives. 00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:11.919 But I think that the challenge is more so noticing that any effort towards changing oppressive systems deserves to be honored. 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:15.840 It's the same way that I feel about boycotting Target. 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.559 I've been in Target, I think, twice in the last two years. 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:26.559 And I am, I'm holding the boycott, sometimes it feels like, by myself. 00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:30.639 I did have to go in there semi-recently for an emergency. 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:32.320 Don't look at me like that. 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:38.000 I said emergency, but I also am ordering from Amazon every other day. 00:14:38.159 --> 00:14:49.919 If you look at Meta's full system and all the crap that they're doing and the problems that they have, I should probably not be posting on Instagram and Facebook as frequently as I am. 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:50.879 Make sure you're following me. 00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:51.919 Make sure you're following me over there. 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:53.360 I'm working really hard on that content. 00:14:53.519 --> 00:14:54.480 Make sure you're following me. 00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:59.919 But I probably shouldn't be posting that much on Instagram and Facebook. 00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:05.360 But on the flip side, like, I don't have Twitter anymore. 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:07.840 So I'm doing my part. 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:12.559 I think the point is that all rebellion is good rebellion. 00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:18.000 When it comes to oppressive systems, I am not talking about January 6th, and you know I'm not. 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:23.600 All rebellion is good rebellion, and there is really no clean second side. 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:30.720 The options are not, you're either doing the work or you are enabling the system. 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:50.960 The real options sometimes are just you either succumb to the behaviors or you experience burnout trying to deprogram and reprogram every area and interaction and aspect of your life down to the micro behaviors that have you stepping off the sidewalk. 00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:52.399 Neither are realistic. 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:59.039 Both have to come in waves and you have to crawl before you walk and you have to walk before you run. 00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:15.919 And so I think I'm landing this plane for now and deciding that for me, if even on your worst day, your minimum work is not shrinking, is not overapologizing, is not stepping off the damn sidewalk. 00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:21.279 That baseline is what eventually rewires the walk and the run. 00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:27.519 So my challenge to you is to look at all of the little ways in your life that you crawl. 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:30.320 Those are important, those matter, those are valid. 00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:40.000 All of those little ways that you crawl is the fuel that will ignite the fire of the season that you are supposed to be walking or running. 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:49.039 The work matters no matter how big or small or insignificant or marginal the outcomes feel or seem to be. 00:16:49.279 --> 00:17:02.480 When loudness and grandiosity is not where you are in that season, it is all of those subtle shifts, like little tectonic plates, that end up shaking the room. 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:18.720 And I think that if you have little rebellions on some days and you do big work on other days, all of those moments are working together and are preparing you for a season that required that level of foundation that you built in the little habits. 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:24.880 And those little habits are worth recognizing and noticing and appreciating. 00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:29.359 They are little nuggets of fuel and we could all use a little fuel. 00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:30.720 I hope you enjoyed this episode. 00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:36.240 Please feel free to share it if you're watching it with video on YouTube or wherever you're listening. 00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:40.079 Please tell your friends I'm trying to increase my weekly downloads. 00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:44.960 Um, you can follow me on Instagram, TikTok, at while I've got you. 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.160 Um, I just started a sub stack as well, so you can check me out over there. 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:50.640 And I will catch you next week for next week's episode. 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:51.440 Bye.