TRANSCRIPT 🔗
Dr. Celina: There is always more to our story than what the world can see beneath the smile, beneath the success, beneath the struggle. Welcome to Oneness Life. I am doctor Selena.
Dr. Chantal: And I am Doctor Chantal.
Dr. Celina: Today we will journey together through the silent whispers of imposter perceptions and the impact on relationships. The hidden anatomy of stuck reminds us that what has held us back does not have to determine what carries us forward. Because what is hidden can be revealed, what is stuck can be released, and what is waiting within you can be unleashed. Now we will dive into how these ever so present whispers are Travel with us and how they impact our relationships. doctor Chantal will carry us forward to the
Dr. Chantal: Thank you for the introduction. So, what need do you feel your relationship is meeting or what might it actually be costing you? So we're gonna dive deep into several relationship complexities and kind of go over what the possible benefits could be, but then where it could be driving you back. or creating difficulties. So let's start with transactional relationships. So in these relationships Sometimes it can feel like the expectations are clear and that there's just mutually beneficial partnership because you're both able to provide and you're both conc contributing in a way. But the potential difficulties with this can be that the the love can feel conditional or like there's some form of scorekeeping going on. So then it could almost start to feel almost like it's competitive. competitive in a way and that could take away from the overall connection. what do you think, about how this impacts relationships,
Dr. Celina: I think partnerships are good. I think if people can come up with a partnership agreement in a relationship, and that they are working towards the same goals but they're still valuing each other. They still have a sense of dependency but maintaining their independency. For themselves and it's and it's a joint venture. but the problem is where's the love? So it's always focused on what's the next transaction. Does the love become a condition? And are we looking at well, I did I put this much into it and you didn't do that this week. And so it has to really be a significant kind of love agreement, so for possible growth in the future where our goals are our outcomes will be met. you have to really be very conscientious of how you c you you create this trans these transactions and that It still holds value in the relationship and with you as a human being.
Dr. Chantal: I absolutely agree. It you can definitely get lost in the transactions and and possibly even feel that one person might feel like they're providing more than the other at some point and then it really becomes like a scorekeeping and it be loses the essence of the partnership and starts to become more actually like a a game or like you're in a competition. but it all of these that we're gonna be going through, your imposter's
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perceptions of your yourself or feeling like you don't belong can get you into these relationships and into these situations that you don't belong or where there can be difficulties. So let's always keep that in the back of our mind as we continue to go through the relationship complexities. yes
Dr. Celina: Chantel, that is an excellent, excellent point. because we we our imposter perceptions come along with us. They travel into the relationships. So we have to look at what is what what score are we not keeping for ourselves? How are we showing up? Are we trying to fit in? Does this really work for me to be working through these transactions? or do I really need something more to make me feel connected. So always be cautious of who you are, what your needs are and that you're not just fitting in or doing it to be liked or loved or recognized.
Dr. Chantal: Absolutely. So the next topic or a relationship complexity is settling. I think this is very straightforward, common thing for people to do due to multiple reasons in their life, but definitely an imposter syndrome can Delve you deeper into just settling. But for settling, some of the benefits for people is that there's companionship, and that's what they've been craving, and that's what they want. And so that when they settle, it feels like at least I got the companionship. Or maybe their life has always felt unstable, and now settling feels like it's creating more stability. But keep in mind that you're gonna sacrifice certain things for just having that companionship when you settle. Because if this isn't actually a pa a partnership, there can become resentment and emotional loneliness, even a loss of self. when you're in a relationship that you're settling in, because technically if it's not what you truly believe and what you want in terms of your love languages not being met, then you will begin to resent that person and lose a sense of self.
Dr. Celina: Yes, yes, yes. But you lose so much of yourself when you're settling and and sometimes people are okay with the dependency or the codependency, but it's not healthy. It's not healthy to have the codependency. And in the end, it becomes very lonely. It becomes a lonely place to be. Because now you find yourself always having to take on the other person's idea or the other person's goals or whatever the case might be. So settling may even i have some problems with intimacy later on in the relationship. also maybe some controlling kinds of barriers or maybe even some narcissism. But settling is something you really have to look at. What are you settling for? It is something that you really, really are happy with. It is something that really fulfills you. This is all I want to do. I just want to do that. I want to be here with this person who makes me happy and that's enough for me. And then that could work.
Dr. Chantal: Yes, I totally agree. Okay, so moving into the next relationship, complexity is rebound relationships. I mean, who doesn't rebound a little bit? So the benefits, is you feel like a sense of connection after there was a loss, right? It's kind of like you're crutching your grief with using somebody else for that. it can kind of feel like there's hope for the future that you're gonna find another relationship. but the the downsides of rebound is that it's it's a crutch, right? It's you're are you really with this person because you feel them and there's a connection, or you're just using it as a crutch and a barrier for your grief. And confusing like that relief with compatibility.
Dr. Celina: Yeah, that's a difficult one because when you're rebounding, everything's coming up, right? All of your imposters perceptions are coming up. And you think that you you're it's like kind of goes into settling also, because you're really not sure what it is that you need, but you need. You're going into a need. I need to be with somebody. I need to be and or, you know, I'm afraid to move on because every time I move on it gets worse. And so maybe I'm going to rebound and just take somebody a little bit different from the people I've taken before because maybe they'll be a lot easier or w so rebounding is very difficult. It's you really have to work through your stuff. You know, when you're when you're coming out of something desp that been very devastating, you need to really look at the whole picture. And not go with the emotionality of it, but put yourself back in the picture, ground yourself, do what you need to do to get yourself to the point where you can see what you really need to move forward towards rather than pushing yourself back into.
Dr. Chantal: I agree. Do you think that there is a certain amount of time that someone should take before moving onto a new relationship, or is it more a sense of finding self and like healing?
Dr. Celina: It's all about healing. It's all about finding self. It's all about getting centered. It's all about looking at what what happened and not carrying the blame, shame, or guilt with you and not th you know, making sure imposters' perceptions have have not blown up and taken over. going through your grief. Grieve. You need to grieve these kinds of situations as well. Whether it was good, bad or indifferent, because in even when it's bad, you start thinking, Well, maybe I shouldn't have said this or if maybe if I didn't do that, this wouldn't have happened. No, you have to look at the realities, get to the root of it, and find the truths. And that's what I do in my trauma work. unlock, unveil, unleash.
Dr. Chantal: Yeah, I agree. I think this is also a good way to kinda combine the rebound relationships with settling as well, especially in someone who may struggle with codependency.
Dr. Celina: Mm.
Dr. Chantal: you could end up first in rebounding for like that relief sensation, but then because you feel codependent, actually sticking with a relationship that doesn't serve you, and ultimately settle. And I do agree that like you definitely
have to work on yourself and For me it was even using like simple things like like the mental health side of TikTok and the self help books, they definitely opened up a side for me that allowed me to look at like why am I going into these same patterns of relationships? So I think before you go into a new relationship, you might want to reflect on self too and see like what's causing me to end up in these same situations over and over again. It can't be that everybody's the same. Is it a way that I'm presenting or something that I'm reaching for that's causing this situation to recur? And I think I mentioned this in the first episode. For me, it was my impostuous perceptions felt from growing up feeling like I didn't belong. I only felt like I belonged when somebody really made me feel important, which resulted in only believing In love-bombing in order for me to believe that I belong with you, like that you really like me. So those types of things that you don't catch can ultimately lead you into a rebound relationship that then could also become settling. So the next relationship complexity we're gonna get into is the high-achieving couples. the benefits with this is that there's probably some shared ambition, there's probably great financial resources, some mutual inspirations, strong problem solving, but Imagine putting two high-achieving people together. You both got somewhere in life based on the way that you operate, right? And so what can happen with high-achieving couples is similar to transactional relationships, you can have that competition sense. there could be limited time spent between two eat the two of you as well, right? If you're both extremely successful and busy, which could then lead to n emotional neglect. there could also be a sense of perfectionism in each person, which then could mean you're hard on yourself, and then your partner may feel that. and then work may become safer than intimacy for you, which then again leads to like the emotional neglect. So this could be I I wanna tie this a little bit into like that imposterous perception where like you probably maybe grew up feeling like you never belonged, right? So like that's my thing. And so maybe being in a high achieving relationship might actually be that you're trying to make that happen because now it makes you feel like you've arrived. and you're chasing it to fill that impos to fill up the imposter syndrome of not belonging by being in that type of a relationship.
Dr. Celina: That's interesting as well, because the other part of that sometimes is when you talk about perfectionism, we're also getting we're also getting into the realm of anxiety there. and because that means that has to happen. I have to do this. I'm gonna I this has to and it's i it it's not a bad thing to be successful. It's a next it's a wonderful thing to be successful. but the other part of this is when you look at the imposter's perception piece of it as well, is is this a part of me that just has to be Good. There has to be best at that what I do. Everything I do I have to do bet we have to be really good at doing this. And and the competition isn't so much a competition with others as much as it becomes a c competition with self. And that self then says, Well, no, you didn't succeed well enough now. Now you gotta do it better. But it does impact relationships So it's just a matter of finding that balance. nothing wrong with the relationship, it's finding the right balance in the relationship. So those intimacies, those emotionalities, those partnershipping, those relationshipping, those parenting, those loving each other, loving family, loving what you are, loving what you do and appreciating that you have the achieved what you've achieved is all there and it's in balance.
Dr. Chantal: I think that that's a all those are really great points. And you're right, it's all about the balance. Cause with balance this could be a really, really great relationship. And also learning that like just because you're both high achieving doesn't mean that one person got to their achievements the right way and the other one might not have. Just realizing that you both had your ways of getting there and that's okay and accepting that I think is another thing to look into.
Dr. Celina: Absolutely. Yeah.
Dr. Chantal: So the last relationship complexity that we're gonna go into today is the neurodivergence in relationships. So I'm gonna let you dive into this one because
Dr. Celina: Yeah.
Dr. Chantal: you have written a book about autism. there's multiple aspects of neurodividivergence, but I think this might be your forte.
Dr. Celina: sure. Put me on the spot. so you know, there's different ways of thinking about how you can compliment one another with creativity, deep interest, honesty, unique problem solving, let's go to ADHD. what happens in relationships is sometimes when you're ADHD, you maybe there's a pre problem with being organized, maybe there's a problem with timekeeping, maybe you're always late and people get mad at that. maybe you might have been told to do one, two, and three things and maybe number two got forgotten and it's a constant thing for you where you start that's where your imposter's perception would step in and say, my god, then now gonna see. Who I really am, that I am scattered and I don't want to go to medication. I don't know how to treat this. so it's a matter of understanding that person's challenges. That person's challenges doesn't make the person any different from the love that you feel for them. You just have to learn how to love them with their challenges. You know, some of the difficulties with that is communication styles, sensory needs for autism can be very devastating. The person may be very fine when they're in a very safe environment. my book call is called Ism. It's about how to how to work in these relationships but it's about learning how to love them as who they are, meeting them where they are, because it doesn't change the heart. It only changes the behavior. So you have to be adaptive if you love that person, to be adaptive to those behaviors. And it also is about working together, like you know, I need you to be on time for this thing and learning how to do some maybe behavioral modification in your relationship where there's a chart or a calendar or the you know you have it go off on your phone that at six o'clock I need to make sure I do this and get there by seven. So there's ways to work through it but not to get frustrated and you know think the person is just doing it on purpose or that you can't control them and they're out of control, whatever you might get frustrated about. But if you're Love somebody, work from the love of the heart first. And know that we all have differences, whether you're neurodivergent or not. We all have differences, and we all need to be able to understand what is it that I love about you, and what is it that I we need to find balance in, and what is it that maybe we could slow down on or cut out if we can. So it's not only about neurodivergence, it's about humanity. It's about loving from the heart.
Dr. Chantal: Yeah, I think this kind of like summarizes every relationship complexity that we went through in a way. Because they're all involve you being able to work with each other through anything. through the ups, the downs, and through things that can't be changed. but is is that for you? Is what you need to recognize. and are you willing to do the work? And the biggest thing and to stay on the topic of our imposter perceptions is are you getting into this situation because it's filling a void for you or feeling like it's repetition of a child. Wound that feels familiar. But if you do stay in those situations where they do meet everything, do meet your needs, they are healthy, then it's all about being able to work with each other and understand that we're all different. I'm sure we all have some form of neurodivergence. But being able to understand what we each need is important. And and recognizing whether or not that's something in your relationship you're willing to to work with. Yeah.
Dr. Celina: Mm, yeah. Isn't it so worth it to be in love? Isn't it so worth it to try to really make this work? I mean, there's so much n d diversions in the world that we're diverting to that are so unhealthy. We need to find healthy again and love. We need to find love and peace and find joy. So our next available podcast will be on October fifteenth. and we're moving into our new series called Thorns of Insecurities. going to be addressing what happens when we're dealing in insecurities in our relationships and ourselves and what are the thorns that come through these insecurities that turn sweet into sour, or bitter into sweet. So we look forward to you tuning into those. And let me end with this. Before we can heal what is hidden, we must first have the courage to see it.