Full Transcript for Communication

talk. Um, recently, because my husband's schedule is very crazy and it rotates. So we only have a few days that we actually, we actually realized it's actually more like two days out of a week that we get to even really see each other fully and talk. And the rest of the week, we're not really able to because of his job. Yeah. And we've had to learn to work around that and we've had to learn to make us a priority and Yeah. So a big part of that is we check in with each other. And so we sit down, if [00:07:00] something's bothering one of us, we talk about it. And that can feel awkward at first, but one of the biggest parts about that is also both parties understanding that It's okay to hear from your spouse and not take things personally. And yeah, maybe something is your fault, but own up to it. Because like we said, our goal is to come together. So if Carlos comes to me with something like, babe, this happened, or you did this, or this happened, and it really, really bothered me, that conversation could go one of two ways. It can go where he says that to me and I get defensive and I get upset and I get angry and I bark back at him and say, well, uh, you did this and, and what, why does it matter so much? Or I could. Listen to what he has to say. Listen to his heart and say, wow, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that that [00:08:00] bothered you. I apologize. And I'm going to try to do better. That's just an example. And that takes work. It does take work to get there, especially if you are, if you personally have issues that you're dealing with, because that's another thing that we'll get to later though, is. That's dealing with your own personal issues because your personal issues are going to flow into your marriage and into your communication. So that's another thing. But learning to listen, I think we touched on this a little bit last time, but learning to be a good listener is such a big part of communication. If you are the type of person that just wants your side to be heard and is deaf to what your spouse is saying, it's not going to work. You have to have an open ear and be a safe place like we've talked about before. Yeah. Because if you are not that for your spouse, they're not going to want to talk to you. So you have to be that place. Carl's and I, we both had major trust, trust, [00:09:00] trust issues. Sorry. We did and it took us a while to really be able to be vulnerable hmm. And I remember Carlos was very, he was a little bit more guarded, I think at one point, but we had to learn to get past that. And he had to realize that I really meant wealth to him and I wasn't going to, to take what he told me and spread it to the world or tell everybody all of his stuff that I was going to keep it. It was between us and I meant well. And I just wanted to know his heart, to help him and be a safe place for  Carlos: him. Yeah. And because of that, I was able to open up. Cause like normally I was a clam and I was not going to say much. But when

I realized that Desiree was actually a safe place where she wasn't, like you said, she [00:10:00] was not going to take what I told her and go tell other people. And it took a while to develop that trust because honestly, in the back of my mind, I used, I would think. That, that's what was going on, so I wouldn't speak, I wouldn't disclose anything, and, but when I learned that that was not the case, and when I saw that she was trustworthy, she proved herself, I was able to open up with ease and tell her things that normally I would not. Dez: Yes, and the same back and forth. I learned the same thing with you. You became that for me as well, and it was very healing for our relationship, too. Yeah, because having that place and that trust in your marriage, it creates a different level of intimacy. Because if you can't really openly share with your spouse and trust that they are at that safe place, it does, it's a hindrance. It becomes a hindrance in a lot of ways to intimacy that you could have.  Carlos: [00:11:00] Yeah. Trust is huge in a relationship, any relationship, but especially marriage. Because marriage is such a, there's such a close intimacy in marriage like no other relationship. So trust is major.  Dez: Yes. I'm going to add to our topic of listening. And if anybody has been to our marriage ministry nights, we've talked about this before, and it's just something that is a good practice. If you're in a conversation with your spouse or with anybody putting on that listening ear, this is a good exercise to make sure that you're hearing. Not just what you think, but what your spouse is actually trying to tell you. And it's something called drive through listening. And I want to say we learned about this from Dr. James Dobson. I think one of these books that I read years ago, but I want to say it was his book and basically drive through listening. If you think about going to a fast food place, McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, [00:12:00] wherever, and you go through the drive through, you give them your order. What do they do? They repeat it back to you, right? They want to make sure, kind of like the KJ52 song. We should play a clip of that later because it's funny. So, sorry. Anyways, so drive through listening. If you, if you order something, they repeat it back to you because they want to make sure that they're hearing you correctly. So you order a large fry, a burger, chicken nuggets. Um, and they repeat it back to you, okay, a large fry, a burger and chicken nuggets. If you're specific, your burger with pickles without tomatoes, you want to just get your, they want to make sure that they get your order, right? Because if not, what's going to happen? You're going to go back in. You're going to, you got my order wrong. You're going to be upset. Yeah. They want happy customers. So when you're talking to someone and someone is telling you whatever it is, have a listening ear and repeat it back to them. Right? So you [00:13:00] say, wow,

okay, so is this, this is what you're saying. Is this what you meant? Because sometimes we might, depending on our personalities or just our perception of things, we might see things differently. That's happened many times. Or hear things differently. Yeah, we might, we've had that many times in our relationship where I've said something or he said something to me and we... We  Carlos: wasn't hearing each other's heart. Dez: Or we heard it through a filter, like I would hear something through a rejection filter. And he's saying something to me and I'm perceiving it as rejection because of the rejection issues that I had. And so we had to learn that, okay, let's, let's do this and let's vocalize. This is what you're saying. Or This is what I'm hearing. And that's a good way also to just kind of let your, your spouse can know where you're at. Like if you do deal with any kind of issues that cause you to have a filter like that, then your spouse [00:14:00] knows that and it can make them maybe be a little more careful about the way they say things or word things differently. But it's a healthy thing to be able to do that listening and repeat back what the other person is saying so that you have clear communication. Right. And we talked about, okay, a safe place. I wanted to say something about, and I'm actually using notes that we've used in our marriage classes before. Carlos: Before you continue, if you guys like what you're listening to, please hit the like button and subscribe. It's going to help our channel tremendously. We're trying to generate better traffic to our YouTube channel. So if you don't mind doing that, we'd appreciate it. Thank you.  Dez: What he said. I love it. So, communication. This is pretty interesting that only about 10 percent of communication is verbal. The other 90 percent is made up of facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, [00:15:00] and posture. And that is so, so true. I can remember times, I'm sure I've done it too, but Being on this end, I can remember times where you would say something, and I knew with every fiber of my being, you did not mean what you were saying. You were like, yeah, I'm fine. Think about it. If somebody says that to you, the words are saying I'm fine, but come on. And I've done the same. The  Carlos: attitude, the body language is  Dez: saying something different. Yeah, if a woman says fine, you better run. Honey, are you okay? Fine. That's when you run. But no, but for real though, it's, it's something that, that we have to be aware of because especially I can say I had an attitude when we got married. So a lot of times when we would try to talk, I would talk to him and I was giving him major attitude. So how did I expect him to hear what I [00:16:00] was saying? And then he would put up his defenses and it was just like this, it was bad. Yeah. So I had to also learn that when I talked and when I do talk to him, I have to come to him in a place where I am. I'm settled in my emotions. I'm not angry. I'm not overly emotional. And some people might, might say that they're arguing and getting loud with each other is productive and that's totally fine. This is, we're sharing what works for us. Yeah. It  Carlos: goes to the gut for the guy as well. If you know, you know, you're heated or if you have a temper. Or you tend to get emotional during a conversation, just relax, maybe take a walk, count to ten, you know, and then come back when you're calm and speak.  Dez: Yeah, because you could also listen better too when you're in a space. But that's something that has helped us so much is just being in that controlled place where you're, you're coming together again and you have the [00:17:00] desire to come together and to talk things out because you want to come together. You don't want to let things separate you. So let's talk this out in a healthy way. Let's hear each other and not always be wanting to be heard. Mm hmm. Because sometimes that can cause a lot of issues if you are just, you just want your side to be heard. Right. And it's understandable if, if you feel like your spouse isn't hearing you, there's ways to talk through that. Right. But you want to also, I mean, if you're married, you have to learn to be selfless. Carlos: Yeah. Remember that, that thing that we, Started doing that, um, we wouldn't interrupt each other Yeah. Until the other one was done. Yep. And that way you get your point across. And I'm not trying to come in and, and interrupt or or step over what you're saying. Yeah. I, yes. You know, and it, and it shows respect. It does. It does. You know, you, you say your part and. While you're speaking, your spouse [00:18:00] is listening and they don't say a word until you're done. And then when you're done, they can say what they want to say.  Dez: Exactly. It's almost like having an imaginary talking stick. I've seen that in a movie once and I laughed. I said, it's actually a really good idea for some people. I have the talking stick. It's my turn, but that's helpful. It was very helpful when we started doing that. That's right. And  Carlos: Yeah, it creates respect,  Dez: too. Yeah, it really does. And sometimes if we catch each other interrupting, we're quick to be like, I'm not done yet. Mm hmm. And it's okay. Yeah. It's not for you, us to get offended or nothing. Yeah. It's like. If your spouse  Carlos: isn't done, then  Dez: listen. Yeah. And then you, you speak and, and it, it's, you're, you have to remember that that's your goal. Your goal is to understand. Exactly. You're listening to understand and to. Make things work, right? Exactly. It's not about you have to agree with me and you have to do what I say. And this is how I feel. [00:19:00] It's great. Let that let your stuff out. Even sometimes if it is intense, we've had many intense moments where I've felt something or Carlos has felt something. And it's been a little bit heated and not Not, not anger towards each other, but just things that we

ourselves feel at the moment. And I've had moments where I'm blubbering my eyes out talking to him, sharing something. And it helps to get the other person to just see where your heart is at and to learn to be understanding and be there for each other. Right?  Carlos: Yeah. And at the end of the day, it's not about her winning. Or me winning. It's about both of us winning. That's right. It's about bettering our marriage. And always keep in mind that when you are talking, when you're communicating about an issue between the two of you, that you want to resolve it. This is about resolving. It's not about continuing back and forth. Let's find a solution. That's what we're working towards. [00:20:00] Resolve it and there'll be peace in the relationship. Yes, and And that's where growth happens. And healing. Yes. And that's what you want. I love  Dez: it. I'm gonna read something really quick here that I found from our notes. There's a saying in the world of fitness that reads without discomfort, there is little to no chance of change ever happening. Many times this is no different in marriage. So when you think about fitness, if you think about exercising, anybody who has ever. Any point in their life taken part in. joining a gym or doing something to lose weight or to be healthy or fit. When you first work out, if you haven't worked out in a long time, you wake up the next day and you are sore and sometimes it's hard to push past that. I've learned for me personally, I like that feeling cause that tells me that I did something, but I know not everybody likes that feeling, but you have to learn if you want. To reach your goal, you have to keep pushing, you [00:21:00] have to be consistent and you have to keep doing the same exercises and doing those things until your muscles get used to it and you don't feel the pain anymore. That's the same with marriage and communication. It might hurt. It might be awkward. It might be uncomfortable at the beginning. It might not be what you're used to. Exactly. But when you continue and keep pressing through it. It's amazing the breakthrough that you'll have if there's issues in your marriage. And you'll learn to have a, such a great communication. You feel that you can tell your spouse anything. And that's, I thank God for that with Carlos. Like we, he's my best friend. I always tell him not only is he my husband, he's my best friend. And I love that about our relationship. And  Carlos: you're definitely mine. Dez: I love it. And let's see here.  Carlos: And guys, let's be candid here. In the beginning, was it easy? No. It was, it was really hard. It, we, we push, and I think we mentioned this in our last episode, it was [00:22:00] hard to break through that communication barrier. It was hard in those initial stages to work through things because we had some serious issues to move towards, to, uh, resolve. And so because of that, it was not easy, but as we worked at it, as we continued, we, we did not give up. We

didn't give up. We knew what it meant to give up. I mean, we had three little ones. We were going to work on our stuff, work on our marriage, and as far as we were concerned, we were going to heal. We were going to find a solution to whatever issues were between us. Yes. And that's what we did, and we pressed through, and it was hard. It was not easy. It wasn't. It was so rewarding at the end of it. On the other side of it. There is the reward and it is possible Yeah, it is possible to break through stuff to overcome stuff in your  Dez: marriage Yes, and if you deal with like Carl said if there are issues that you [00:23:00] have like personal issues Issues between each other you're never going to get past it unless you communicate Mm hmm. You have to at some point you have to be willing to talk with your spouse Mm hmm and I can remember very vividly sometimes when we were at our worst moments and there was many temptations and many times we almost called it quits and many times that I was like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. But there was always this innate thing in me like, no, I'm going to try it again. Let's keep trying. A lot  Carlos: of times it was just her. It was. It was just her. And you know, it took me watching her not give up. That's like, man, if she's not quitting, I'm not going to quit. You know, it only takes one spouse. You think it takes two sometimes? Sometimes yeah, it does take two with certain things. In this case, when I saw that she was not willing to give up, that gave me a motivation and [00:24:00] a drive and it made me realize, man, we, I, What do I got to lose in trying?  Dez: Yeah, and that's true. That's, that's literally once you just started to keep trying and get back up and try again and get back up and try again. We both did. That's what saved us. I mean, no, God saved our marriage. Mm hmm. Let me put let me put that out there God was the one who ultimately saved our marriage, but I believe he put that in us. Yeah, so that we would not give  Carlos: up Yeah, we definitely had to put into work We did he was he was there to strengthen us and guide us and give us the wisdom no doubt Yeah, but we put into work There was a lot of work that we had to put into it. Dez: Yup. I thank God every day that he made me stubborn. It's funny because recently he showed me a quality in myself that He put there and I laughed so hard and I when I saw I think I shared it with you It was [00:25:00] a small little pitbull look kind of like lady Was grabbing on to something for dear life and would not let go And you know pitbulls they like they grab something. They're like, they're never locked Yep, and he see it was kind of a funny moment between me and the Lord and he was like This is you and I have made you this way and it's for a reason. It's one of the things that's helped our marriage It's one of the things that that's helped me to overcome a lot of generational things and just personal things in my life And it's helped me to break past fear and to run after God and to do the things that God has put in me to do It's it's something when you look back, you know, yeah, but anyways getting back to communication So communication is truly the lifeline of your marriage Hmm Just like a plant will die without water, your marriage will die without good communication. Yes. And I've watched, we [00:26:00] have watched so many marriages throughout the years. And you can tell when a couple has good communication, then you can tell when they don't. If you just stay together after years and years just to stay together, it's obvious. Yeah. And it's sad to me because I believe it's God's designed for us to have great marriages. And that's part of it. Like Carlos said, it takes some crazy work. Yeah. We're not going to sit here and be like, it's so easy. It is hard work if you are not used to it and if you're dealing with stuff.  Carlos: I love what Jimmy Evans says. You have a hundred percent chance of, uh, your marriage working out if you do it God's way. Yes. A hundred percent chance. Yep. And it's so true. We discovered that I can say, yeah, doing it God's way worked out.  Dez: Yes. And God will give you the grace, the wisdom, the understanding, Holy Spirit will help you. And. One thing I wanted to say really quick is [00:27:00] there's such a difference between men versus women and that's something that you we also Need to realize and learn especially in marriage. I mean in general, it's good to know these things but men and women were designed so differently. We are very different creatures and it's good to research and to learn the ways that a man is in the ways a woman is. And for example, I'm not going to get too deep into this, but I remember when we first got married, there was things. Women are very, what's the word, we're perceptive and we see everything and we have a million things going through our head all at the same time and we've talked about this. Boy, that's true. We, meanwhile, you guys are like, you got that one track mind, you're just, you're doing this and that's what you're focused on right now and then you're doing this and what is it that they say, men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti? Our brains. Because you just have little compartments. Like you have [00:28:00] the nothing box.  Carlos: And we focus  Dez: on one at a time. Yes. And us women's brains is like spaghetti going in every direction all over. And that's so accurate because, I don't know, just God made us that way. For whatever reason. That's  Carlos: why it's hard to understand them. Dez: Yes. Yes. But it's good to know. One thing I've had to learn with Carl's is I had to learn to be direct with him, not to assume that he knew something or assume that he should know something just because I thought that I had to learn that he's not a woman and he's not built like a woman. So I can't expect that from him. Right? So example, the garbage. That was his responsibility to take the

garbage out early in our marriage. And now everybody does it because of Carl's schedule. So we all help. Anyways, back then that's how it was. So I'd sit there and walk by the garbage and it's. It's full. I'm like, well, he'll get to it and walk by again. It's got a lump over it now [00:29:00] walk by again another hour later It's like monster and I'm like, bro the garbage and by that point I'm frustrated So I'm like, babe, take out the garbage. Don't you see it's overflowing? Oh, I didn't notice and So I had to learn. Okay, let me be straightforward and let me be direct If I see it and he doesn't see it Hey, babe, the garbage is full. Can you take it out? That works so much better. I wasn't frustrated. He wasn't frustrated. He would take it out right  Carlos: away. It works so much better than the manipulative tactics too. Yeah. Oh, let's not even go there. The hinting.  Dez: As us women. Come  Carlos: on. Oh, if this garbage was only  Dez: emptier. I'm so chill. Yes. Come on. That's, that's the truth. And I can admit, because I was that way, but I'm not, thank God to Jesus. I mean, thank God for Jesus. But I was very much manipulative and controlling and I would. I [00:30:00] was that person. I would just say little, whatever it was to try to get his attention, to make him do something that I wanted. And no man likes that. No. And I think about it now. I don't like that. So I had to learn to recognize that in myself and realize that manipulation is, first of all, it's ugly and that's not something that us women are supposed to carry if we are daughters of God, we need to lay that down and ask God to forgive us for that and help us to be right because manipulation control is it's wrong. That's not, that's not who we are in God. So I had to learn that. And when I learned that, Yeah. It was huge. And I just started to learn to just be direct and just tell him whatever it was. Now the garbage is an example. There's other things. Sometimes it could be something that he's doing that annoys me and I'm just like, and I don't say nothing. And I realized I start to feel like annoyed and irritated and I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to tell him, babe, you know, when you [00:31:00] do that, it just really bothers me for some reason. And I can't even honestly think of anything, but I'm just giving an example that be direct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we do that with each other. He'll do the same with me. And we hear each other, we respect it, and we, we alter things if we have to. Mutual respect. Yeah. There's a book about men, I can't remember what it's called, but it's Understanding the Male Temperament, that's what it's called. I think by Tim LaHaye and somebody else. Women, read that book. If you can get your hands on that book and you want to understand your husband, read the book. It helped a lot. I noticed a  Carlos: change in her.  Dez: Yeah. Cause it just opened my eyes because you know what the problem is? A lot of times us human beings, we think everybody's like us. and we think everybody thinks like us. So it's like, what's wrong with them? But we have to understand each other. Is there  Carlos: one for women? Like, well, for guys about women? I  Dez: don't think so. I looked and I don't think there is. Oh, that's interesting. There are other books though. Remember there was two sets. [00:32:00] I'd have to look them up. I'm going to see if I can find them for next time. I think Gary Smalley made a set for the man and the woman. And we had both of them at the beginning  Carlos: of our match. I don't remember the titles, but I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I'm gonna look  Dez: that up and we can put links in there. So, ladies, learn to understand that your husband is a man, and he's very different. Men, learn to understand that your wives are women, and they're built different, and they're different. They're not going to be like you and that's okay. Right. So we are about out of time, but I'm just gonna, we'll take just a couple more minutes. So a couple of barriers to healthy communication are stonewalling. That was us. That's basically you're giving each other the silent treatment when you shut down and you refuse to talk. Denial, denying that there is fault, that you have fault in any issue or that there's anything going on at all. Pride. Pride is a big one. Always be willing to accept responsibility for things you've done or not done and be correctable and teachable. [00:33:00] That is a life lesson for anybody. I don't care who you are. That's a life lesson. And don't get defensive. Don't take things personally. If you find that you are, that's a personal issue that you have to get before God with or get counseling or therapy and have somebody help you to get to the root of why these things bother you. That's so important as a human being just to be healthy that people can talk to you without you getting defensive or taking things personally, right? That's good  Carlos: because there may be things from childhood that you're carrying that you need to resolve.  Dez: Yeah, can be so many things and we've done that. We've had to go through that process. So, you know, remember that sometimes your spouse might come to you to discuss something that concerns them and they're not doing it. They're not doing it to hurt you. They're not doing it to attack you. They're doing it because they want to share what's in their heart and how they feel. So be willing to hear, be willing to, to just take what they're saying. And again, like I [00:34:00] said at the beginning, we're going to end with that. Your goal is to come together. Always make that your goal. And like Carlos said, yeah, sometimes it might take one. I can say for us, there was a long time where I was the one who was just pushing and pushing and not giving up and, and let's keep doing this. And, and it was not easy. I'll say that I could write books on that. That was a very hard time in our marriage. But I thank God because the Lord had showed me that if I didn't give up, that I was going to have We were going to have a great marriage and my husband was going to be a different man. And let me tell you, God has surpassed that. My husband is a very different man and he is, he's grown so much. Our marriage has grown so much and I don't want to cry, so I'm not going to keep talking about that, but it's, God has done a great work and, and it's because we never gave up. We put our trust in God. We did the work with each other, with counselors [00:35:00] sometimes, with. books with Holy Spirit, and that's what made things work. Absolutely. Right? So make time to connect. That's something that we have had to do. It doesn't matter the schedule you have. I get it. Schedules can be crazy, but we always make time for us to connect and talk. So  Carlos: schedule you can't take like a whole evening, then do an hour. Yeah. 10,  Dez: 15 minutes between his shifts and we're like, let's sit down. Let's talk. Yeah. Turn the phones off, turn away all the distractions, tell the kids we're having mom and dad talk time  Carlos: or go for a walk. Yeah. The, the important thing is the connection. Yes. Yep. And the communication.  Dez: Yes. And like we said, be clear with your communication and. Remember that you are on the same team, and that's it. So I hope this helps everybody, or somebody, or one person. [00:36:00] We love you guys, and we're so thankful for you. And we just, like Carlos said, ask that you subscribe to our channel. And turn on the little bell so that you can get notified when we put something new out there. And share this. If you could share this with somebody that it will help, it would help us. And we would love it to just be able to help whoever we can with our story and with the things that God has shared with us. So that's it. Have a great rest of your week guys.  Carlos: Take care guys. God bless.