Full Transcript for Why Aren’t People Getting Married? (Part 2)

had no money, I paid for dates. It would so be masculinizing from my identity that I wouldn't pay for a date. If I took out a millionaire, I would have paid for the date. It never occurred to me, and I heard all this liberation stuff. It was a non factor to me. Now you may disagree that's fine, but at least it can knowledge that that is the destruction of a gender role. I paid for the date, and I didn't pay for the date in the hope that if I pay for the date, that gets me to first base on the first date, second base on the second date, and so on. It was just that's I'm a man, I work. I want. This is my way of saying to you that I hope to one day support a family. That's what was in my mind even when I was twenty and I didn't marry till I was thirty two. But there was all I was like practicing as a single I was practicing to be a man. Boys practice to be men, girls practice to be women. And the idea that that's not saying that it would I would never allow. Even on the tenth day they said, you know what, I'd love to treat us tonight. Of course, I'm not locked into this with an unbreakable lock. But I like the idea of a masculine role in a feminine role. It keeps me more masculine, and it keeps the woman more feminine. Why would I want to marry a masculine woman. I could have a roommate for that, with none of the with none of the downsides. I mean, my god, it just I don't lot is the appeal of having somebody who does everything you do. I don't even understand it. Romantically. It doesn't make sense to me. And so this idea of no roles is another reason that people are marrying less because they're not seeing an other. You want to marry the other the opposite sex, not the same sex in a different body. You want to marry the opposite sex. With different traits. A masculine man, a feminine woman. 00:08:40 Speaker 1: God. 00:08:40 Speaker 2: You know, we just this morning my youngest son that was nine and a half. We let more than TV. We allow him to watch movies, and they usually older movies, like John Wayne movies. I happen to like John Wayne movies. For him. Let him see a guy who shoots bad guys. I like that model. I am primitive, I understand. But you know when I see John Wayne and his acting, and then you see some of the the you know, like Tom Cruise in some of the roles that he would have in his his old boyish countenance John Wayne. You know, I'm talking about the roles they played, not their individual lives. I have no comment on that, and that would be gossip and I don't do that. But just the roles they played. John Wayne was a man's man and Tom Cruise a woman's man. And that's the way it's sold. He's cute, he's gorgeous, he's clearly made his hair fall exactly right, and and and he's always called boyish? Was John Wayne ever called boyish? John Wayne is was mannish. And a lot of the women are the same. A lot of these the women are so non feminine. They may have great bodies, but that's but they're not feminine. There's none of what you would have associated with. So again I'm talking about the roles they play, not they realize where I don't know and I don't care. This too, is a reason for the not having more marriage today. There are few were masculine men, few were feminine women. There is more confusion. Confused people don't know how to bond, they don't know how to talk. Guys don't even know whether to hold the door for a woman. 00:10:21 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. 00:10:34 Speaker 2: I remember when guys my age, I'm from the heyday of feminism, they would say, gee, I don't know do I hold the door for a woman. I had a very simple attitude, but I was very secure. I'm very lucky. God gave me innersecurity from a very early age. I flew from Miami to New York when I was seven alone. My parents came late to the airport. I had already gotten my luggage and tipped the porter. So I don't take any credit for it. That is my nature. I take care of myself, my life, have a good day. They were cracking up. The porter was already there. I was waiting for a taxi. I don't care if they came now. So I remember when, you know, when fellow male friends in college and said, yeah, don't know, I hold the door for a woman. You know, some women may resent it. I had a very simil If a woman resented that I held the door for her, that was the last date we went on. That was the end of the issue. No offense, but we're not for each other. But I was secure enough as it male, to say that you resent my holding the door for you, then obviously we don't have a future together. That's it, that's all. It's no big deal. You have your good life with men who don't hold the door for you. I'll have a good life with a woman who wants me to hold the door for her. But so many men have been cowered by feminist rhetoric or by well ball busting women. Forgive me for being so graphic that that they have just been coward into not knowing. Do what comes naturally to a man, Act like a man. That doesn't mean macho. Now, there are things men do on dates that d're I'm embarrassed to be a man. I was talking to a single woman who is widowed very early. There's a tragic situation with a husband at cancer at thirty and stating now an attractive woman. She tells me that a guy asked her on a second date whether or not she enjoys oral sex. That's an idiot. That man is a bona fide idiot. That's the other side of the of the extreme on the thing, what are you an animal? Well, the answer is yes, it's a rhetorical question. But the uh, I mean, my god, what a real man doesn't do that? You know, It's like I want to give lack. I feel bad saying this because I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to come across as better than anybody or anything like that. But maybe men need men lessons and women need from a good woman women lessons. But you don't talk like that kind of talk. Is that? I just don't understand that. How does a guy say that? What is

you know, does he work for the Kinsey Institute. I just don't understand it. You know what she said it to me? I just I was I just dropped while was in my mouth. I was I couldn't believe it, but I do believe it. Too. Many women tell me these things. I know, sex is on guy's minds. I'm a guy, I know that, But my god, there's such a thing as called just having the appropriate behavior, not exactly wearing it on your sleeve at all times, having it develop in a more natural way than having a sex survey. On the second date, I just again, and theseus some of the things that go on, And it's part of it is the breakdown of rules because now men think, hey, women are. 00:13:53 Speaker 1: Just like us. 00:13:54 Speaker 2: Well, if women are just like us, then there's sex animals just like us too. Then, by golly, I want to know, if watch love, what variations on the uh on the coitist theme that you really like? On the second date, he thought he was a hero for waiting one day before topping the question. But I'm telling you it's part of the no role, no roles. Hey, if men are well like women and women are like men, then I don't have to guard my tongue, do I? Then I can just expose myself uh theoretically right or not literally, but expose what I'm thinking at any moment. After all, she's no different from me. The feminist told me that, life told me that, TV told me that. And finally, why people aren't getting married Number eight is the terrible, terrible narcissism that afflicts so many people, and it gets worse the longer you you don't get married. I mean, it's it's it's not a criticism, it's it's it was happening to me. I mean, it's just inevitable. I mean, you could be devoted to a million great causes, but if you have never I'm talking specifically to the never married, not those of you have divorced or been widowed. I have a dear friend in the Midwest. He is a wonderful man, a wonderful man, and gives his life to many causes. I really really like this guy, and he has never been married, and he just broke up in another relationship, and he's telling me it's funny as I watch his life progress, he said, Dennis, The truth is, I really like the life that I have set up for myself, and any woman right now is almost like an intruder. And I am sure that that is for a lot of women too, after a certain age, because there's a lot of bending you have to do for somebody else, a lot. It's very tough, and it's easier when you do it earlier than later. And as it is, we have a narcissistic society. Worrying about myself. I worry about me? What do I want? That's inevitable when you're alone? What else is there to worry about? As soon as you marry, it's cut in half the self perceptions. What does he want? What does she want? Do I have to be home? Not have to be home? I mean, did you hear? I don't know if you hurt. The couple just Friday called up. Was it was so sad. You know, they're having marital problems, which is inevitable, and they both respect me, so they called up. It

was one of these the one hour a week I have call on anything. So here I was, you know, like a marital therapist, which by the way, instantly I've done twice in my life with two couples actually in my room, and it worked both times. And I have a not that I'm doing this for a living, but I have an approach which is behavioral. Rather than figuring out the psychological sources, just do behaviors. Behaviors change your psyche more than your psyche changes your behaviors, in my opinion. But anyway, I wasn't going to give them therapy on the era. Would be silly and irresponsible, I thought. But it was interesting what her issue was that he is now staying out late and not even calling home to tell her that. And you know, I don't know what he's doing, if he's messing around, or if he's working later, or whatever he's doing. But you owe it to your partner, to your wife to say, honey, she doesn't. You don't owe it to be in un aleash. A couple should give each other as much freedom as possible. I believe in that very deeply, very deeply. At the same time, you can't abuse the freedom and not say, honey, I'm at the office, I have to do ex reports and so on, and just stay out late and come home at midnight. You're not a bachelor, You're a married man. And obviously, in whatever way it would apply, it would apply to a woman too. The narcissism factor cannot be overstated. It is a very terrible factor. Those are some of the reasons that I believe that a lot of people are not getting married, and it is said because with all of its challenges and unhappinesses and tensions and so on, by and large, it's better for the person, and it's certainly better for society when people pair off and take responsibility for another person. I know that we don't even think in these terms today what's better for society. It's just what's better for me. And it's not even what's better for me, it's what's better for me right now. But over the long haul, making something bigger than yourself with somebody else is a good idea. And they're not going to be perfect, of course not, and you have to know which imperfections you can live with. But you know what, in most cases, people do get better, even people who had lousy marriages. I am convinced that for I'm not talking beatings, but people who had an unhappy marriage even and then divorced. Do you know that even they grew from their marriage. Ask anybody, almost anybody, are you a better person for having been married and divorced than for never having been married or divorced? Overwhelmingly they will say I am a better person for both. It was horrible. The divorce was just unbelievably traumatic, which most divorces are, especially if there are kids involved. But that's the question that really isn't asked, and that is to people, do I want to grow? It's easier not to grow than to grow. But I've always said on my tombstone, I don't want written here lies Dennis Prager, a man who avoided pain and didn't grow. I want it. Here's a guy who

dived into everything life could possibly give, whatever he was lucky enough or even unlucky enough to experience. I was divorced. This is my second marriage, or married fourteen years this week in fact, and I will tell you thank you. And you know it was hard, the divorce. It was very hard. But I learned so much from it. I learned so much it made it made my second marriage possible. In fact, I didn't look at divorce as oh, man, i've been burned. I'm avoiding this this institution. My whole mindset was now I got to figure out why I screwed up. And I went for psychotherapy, and I learned a lot more about me that I was not open to learning before that. Pain. Nothing like pain to open you up to learning about yourself. When the people ever go with therapy when they're really in enough pain to finally enter a therapist's office. And you know, I believe in religion and therapy ball as many of the religious that I believe in therapy. It bothers many of the secular that I believe in religion. But I believe in both, and they have both played very good roles in my life. And so I realized, oh, that's why I did that. Oh that's it. Uh, instead of spending the whole time thinking what a jerk I married, I didn't marry a jerk. I did not I didn't feel it then, I don't feel it now. I didn't marry a jerk. I married someone I shouldn't have married if I wanted to make a good marriage. But she did the same thing. She all will marry wrong. It wasn't just me. And by not spending my time afterwards thinking what a jerk I married, but hey, how did I make that mistake in the marriage and what I did in marriage, then I could work one out. I didn't decide, oh, marriage isn't for me. I decided I'll do better next time. Isn't that the better way to look at things? So I invite you to ask yourself which of these eight, if any, apply to you, or to apply to friends that you might know, because this is something to think about. And please throw away the image of ten, because tens don't stay tens anyway. You don't know how many sixes become tens when you love them, and you don't know how many tens become twos when you don't love them. So get rid of that idea. Good luck, Thank. 00:22:06 Speaker 1: You very much this episode of Timeless Wisdom. We'll continue right after this. Now back to more of Dennis Fragger's timeless wisdom. 00:22:19 Speaker 2: Does anybody have If not, that's okay, But if you want to ask me anything, by the way, it could be on anything you want. You might have heard from the radio. It's a time when we're together. But it's quite all right with me. I don't don't don't worry about my feelings. If you don't have questions, it's not it's not an issue. Yes, the other dam this man we meet halfway listen out of the gas I need to stop at the gas station. We go to the gas station and I just stood there. And when you're do it, guys, you will want to be talk my gas. Well, don't you know how to do it? When I'm alone? I do it. But I thought it was like a would have been a nice gesture of people, say, if you're a likely yeah, if you look at you do it. Well, that's right. Well here was I don't remember pumping women's gas. But the reason literally in the gas station there were no uh, no variations on a theme with that comment. But I want to tell you the reason that I now remember pump. She had she met a man on a date recently. They met halfway, she ran out of gas, and she wanted him to pump her gas. You're the guy pumpin gas. Okay, Now she want to smell from right, You didn't want to smell from it? Why can't you smell from it? Okay, fine, all right, fair enough. A man who smells like gasoline is a man, and let's be honest. Anyway, Frankly, I ride a smell on gasoline and have my dates smell like gasoline. So I mean, if I first came to shove, that would be alright with me. But the but here's an interesting See, here's the reason I'm trying to relate personally, is we all do when we hear these very personal issues obviously, so I'm thinking, gee, did I ever pump a date gasoline? But then I realized I always picked up a date at her home so or at our place of work, So it never arose as an issue now that I think of it, only because of that. Now, I'm not saying that that's the way it has to be now. But and maybe there are women who don't want to be picked up at home for obvious security reasons. So I understand that, But I don't know if what is interesting is his reaction was, you know, why can't you pump your own gas? Yes, a sort of offers let me do what I mean to meet him halfway? Right, pay for my gas? So I drove, you know, an hour out of the find at least you right. Well, that's an interesting one. He should have even offer to pay for the gas. She drove an hour out of her way. That listen. What the issue was not the specifics. The issue was the mindset. The mindset of many men, as doctor Marvel was telling me from his patients, is hey, you women want equality? Okay, here it is take up your minds? Do you want equality? Which has come to mean saneness, not equality. Everybody believe anybody needs and believes in equality. But so which is it if? And so men, A lot of men are confused, a lot of women are confused. And that's why I believe that we have paid a terrible price for the utter abandonment of any gender roles of chivalry. Uh you know, I mean, there's no mystery in the opposite sex even anymore. I did a show on this last week about co ed dorms at college. What the hell is that about? So, so, what is the gain? What is the big gain? So people called me up and said, oh, Dennis, it is a big gain. I still have girlfriends from college that I met in my dorm, and I was thinking, as your wife happy about that? I mean, I mean, you know, I'm I'm not a big believer in opposite sex platonic front friendship. I believe deeply in friends, but I believe the friends should be the same I I I'm I'm very suspicious that s because there's somebody wants something more because guys, and if guys really do open up and talk guy talk to a

girl, how defeminizing that is of the girl. I mean, you know, it's just there's something awry here going on here with all that's just it's just all a matter of uh, you know, friendship and so on. That's what happened. There was again the guy doesn't know. Are you women like us or not like us? Okay, yes, alright, give a give it Mike fine. Hold on. 00:26:38 Speaker 1: Lenny talking about when I hear you last week talking about men that we're afraid of being. 00:26:50 Speaker 2: Side of love follow. 00:26:53 Speaker 1: And that. 00:26:57 Speaker 2: Important because I may, I say, you, old baby, that's help me. My mother used to mention when I was a child, and that's one of the things you told me when I got married. She gave me is a little harder and this little thing, you know, like a never sign in police. He do. And so that was an important data, he said, because we are just afraid today to. 00:27:22 Speaker 1: Criticize one another and not thinking out the other person's. 00:27:26 Speaker 2: Feel That's an area where women have. Every Each sex has its own battles to fight itself to make themselves better and make a better relationship. One of the things women have to watch out for is their tendency to constantly try to make their man better. Uh, it is a natural I can I'm convinced female tendency. I want him to be perfect, and I I, by golly, I'll make him perfect, even if I drive both of us crazy. Uh I Almost every marriage has this, and it's a everything is a fine line in life. On the one hand, you don't want to be a doormat. Oh, darling, that was beautiful the way you rammed into that car. Obviously that's ridiculous. On the other hand, you know, Bruce Hrchinson, whom I adore, has a great line. And I'm actually did a whole show on this, he said Dennis, I am rewriting the biblical narrative as follows in the beginning, God created man and critics, and so it obviously is fairly universal an issue, and women have to watch that, you know. I finally told my wife, who is not particularly guilty of this but is a female, and as I am guilty of male things, And I just said the other I said the other day, I think the next time we drive, I'm going to have you in the backseat. I will be your butler. You know, you can call me James. But she truly believes I'm the worst drive her in America. She truly believes that. She thinks that it is a proof of God's existence that I do not crash every time we drive. I want you to understand, I have driven probably a million miles in my lifetime and I and the last time I crashed, I was twenty two years old. I'm fifty four. So either God really is protecting me, which is what she believes, or I don't drive nearly as badly as she thinks, which is what I believe. But so it is an endemic to marriage that this happens. Okay, yes, great people will not marry or during the mountains and whatever relation into relationship and wait for the biologically both as can't stay this. 00:29:42 Speaker 1: All the time. 00:29:42 Speaker 2: I also see that now and Joe an excitement that maybe you say that maybe also all around love. That's right, God bless you. That is such a valuable point. That's right. When there's no adrenaline, people think they fell out of love. They fell out of adrenaline, and that's right. But look, I mean, a mature person recognizes that there are highs available when two people meet that are only sometimes replicable later on. It is almost like saying, you know, my baby was born and now he's in his terrible twos and I just don't feel the excitement seeing him as I did on the day he was born. Well, you're an idiot if you expect to have that excitement. Maybe you know, you'll have it at his wedding, You'll have it, you know, at his high school graduation, or maybe I don't know a lot, but the daily life is not available. Those things are not available in daily life, nor should they be aspired to. That's why I'm saying. Excitement must be found in many areas, and the more you have, the better it is. I'll never forget. I have a lot of hobbies, and they truly are valuable to me. In valuable to me. And a friend of mine once saw me many years ago pouring over I'm no longer into it near I no longer I have other hobbies. But, believe it or not, I had a stamp collection, which is really quaint today, and I was, you know, I was putting in these new issues that were sent and I collected propaganda stamps from communist countries. Is fascinating anyway, and I found it fascinating, and I'll never forget. My friend came into my office and he looked at me, and he goes, you know, our friend so and so and I were just talking and we envy you. You really can tune out with your hobbies. And it's true I can, and you know, and people need to find a lot of areas. You can't put all your eggs even in the marital basket. You can't put them all in the sex basket. You can't put them all in the fun basket. You can't put them all in the children's basket. The more baskets you have, the better your life will be. 00:31:56 Speaker 1: Tomorrow on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Praeger. 00:32:00 Speaker 3: Thank you, doctor Prager, your wisdom and your sage advice that I have been listening to for months and months and years. Finally today I'll let you know how much I appreciate you. 00:32:11 Speaker 2: Well, that's very kind. Really, it touches me. Thank you. By the way, for the record, I'm not a doctor. It's just for the record. 00:32:20 Speaker 1: Join us tomorrow to hear more on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.