Full Transcript for What's the Biggest Mistake Parents Make? | The Happiness Hour

this. So what happens in the cases, and I don't mean overt abuse, but what happens in the cases, that's obvious. In the less obvious cases, what do parents do in the first three years that do not give that security about the world being an essentially good place? 00:06:43 Speaker 3: Well, one of the things that's a bad mistake is to humiliate a child. 00:06:51 Speaker 2: Even at two? 00:06:53 Speaker 3: Even at two. 00:06:53 Speaker 2: That's so important. Go on. 00:06:56 Speaker 3: Well, even especially at two, because at two they can't fight back. They can't put it into perspective. And whatever you do at two years old is a much higher percentage of the total life experience that the child has had than something that happens at 22 or 52. So humiliating a child is one of the huge mistakes. A second mistake. 00:07:18 Speaker 2: Wait, wait. Don't forget what you're going to do is number two, okay? 00:07:23 Speaker 4: Sure. 00:07:23 Speaker 2: Really, even write it down if you have to because this is so essential. But I want to talk to you about that. When I told people that you should honor a baby, a baby's autonomy and humanity, sometimes I think that they look at someone saying that as if it's bizarre. How do you honor a two-year-old? And yet I so believe what you're saying to be true that I have to ask this question, and it may hurt some of the members of my audience, and I don't mean to at all. There is a body of thought, and I may be conflating two separate issues, and I may be wrong. I believe that if a baby cries, you respond. And my thinking follows, though it may be erroneous following. You'll tell me what you feel. But I think that if a baby cries, you pick it up because not to is in a way to humiliate. I don't care if you cry. Am I right or wrong? 00:08:29 Speaker 3: I believe that you're right. And it also segues into the second point, which I'd like to mention because they're so connected. And that is... you really need to listen and pay attention to what your kid is trying to communicate. If you avoid humiliating them and you really try to tune into what they're trying to tell you, then you'll create a confident child. Not to pick up a child who's crying is not to understand what they're trying to communicate to you. These are creatures, unique, wonderful creatures who. 00:09:07 Speaker 3: Who have not yet acquired language skill. And so the only way that they can communicate is by fussing or crying or some other motor behavior that is pre-verbal. And if you don't try as the parent to tune in, if you don't have the assumption, my kid is trying to tell me something, I'm the grown-up, it's up to me to try to figure it out, then you're missing the boat. 00:09:32 Speaker 2: Where is the line crossed between... listening, responding, picking up, holding, understanding, honoring, and spoiling? 00:09:47 Speaker 3: Well, that gets into, you're really leading me into my third point, which is inconsistency. I think that if you overindulge a kid sometimes and you are too harsh with them at other times, that they will retreat into the indulgence part as a way of soothing the hurt feelings that they'll have in the hurt part, and that will become spoiling. Spoiling is usually overreacting... in favor of something, to make up for something that you did wrong. And just because you're listening to a kid and just because you're trying your best to understand them and having the belief that, as the adult, it's your job to understand and decode whatever they're trying to communicate to you doesn't mean that you have to give them everything. It means that you have to try to understand what they're wanting. Then it's up to you still as the parent to make the decision as to what's in the best welfare of your child. Just because they're asking for something doesn't mean that you have to give it to them, but you have to understand what they're asking for before you say yes or no. 00:10:55 Speaker 2: Right, but there are those who say that that is what a child who gets used to being picked up every time he cries or she cries, that you are, in effect, indulging them from an early age. 00:11:07 Speaker 3: Well, I'll come back to that. 00:11:08 Speaker 2: Okay, good. We'll be back in a moment. If you've got questions or comments or reactions... What are the biggest mistakes parents make? And it is quite remarkable, the power. By the way, do you believe in the power of the first three years, as Dr. Marmor is stating? 1-8-PRAGER-776 is the number. 1-8-PRAGER-776. This is the Happiness Hour on The Dennis Prager Show. 00:11:33 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. 00:11:42 Speaker 2: Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. Every week at this hour, we talk about happiness. Happy people make a better world. And it's one good reason. There are a lot of them. Dr. Stephen Marmer is my guest, as he is often, because he has so much to say. He's a psychiatrist, teaches psychiatry at UCLA Medical School, and is in private practice in Los Angeles in Brentwood. And the subject that we are discussing is, what are the most common mistakes? This is a lifetime of practice as a psychiatrist, plus the father of two children, grown now. And what are the most common mistakes parents make? Can it be summarized, even without accessing the age issue, which we'll come back to right now, Dr. Marmor, but can it be summarized that the biggest single mistake is humiliating a child? 00:12:35 Speaker 3: Humiliating a child... Then the second is not really listening or tuning into a child. 00:12:42 Speaker 2: Which is a form of humiliation. 00:12:44 Speaker 3: Well, humiliation is a form of not listening. There are some times when you don't listen, which wouldn't necessarily be humiliating, but which would be very disappointing to a child. And that's how a child learns how to listen to themselves, how to tune into their own mental life and figure out what's going on inside of them

through the model of of the parent listening to them and really trying to help them figure things out when they're babies. The third is inconsistency. And I would say I'd like to add a fourth, which is kind of allowing your child to have mindless activity. In other words, not providing opportunities to avoid boredom. Such things as plopping them in front of the television as a babysitter. would be a big mistake. So, those are. 00:13:41 Speaker 2: All right, let me... We're going to take each of them in turn, and let me give the number 1-8 Prager 776. How does early humiliation manifest itself in an adult? 00:13:54 Speaker 3: It can manifest itself in two ways. The two most common ways are that the young child, when he or she becomes an adult, becomes an abusive, humiliating person. It's as though... the parent that they experienced early in childhood takes hold of their brain at moments of frustration and they in turn humiliate anyone who's weaker than they are including of course their own children in the future. The second outcome which is almost as common is for them to feel a chronic sense of inferiority and not to be willing to strive for anything to feel chronically depressed and to go around chronically unhappy. So you either become an abuser or you become someone who feels humiliated all the time. 00:14:48 Speaker 2: I look at the world and I tell you, it seems to me that if you could really have one wish, and if I'm overstating this, please, you know, just say so, but if I could have one wish, I often think, You know, people say world peace and so on, and of course I'd love world peace, but I think more precise to address humanity's evils even is that no child be humiliated. 00:15:17 Speaker 3: I think that if we were limited to a single wish, that would probably do more good on the micro and the macro levels than any other single thing. 00:15:30 Speaker 2: You know, you look at people... like Saddam and Hitler and Stalin. There's a big part of me that believes that they were humiliated as children, which doesn't excuse them at all. But to reach for a torturer, I always wonder, how do people torture? And it's hard for me to imagine that they were honored as children. 00:15:56 Speaker 3: Usually that's not the case. In the case of the Nazi doctors. 00:16:01 Speaker 3: It's a much more ambiguous thing. And how they could compartmentalize and be seemingly nice people over dinner at home with their family and then ghoulish sadists during the day in the death camps is still a mystery that we haven't figured out. 00:16:21 Speaker 2: But in general, when we do analyze people who are mass murderers and that type, I mean, you know, this is not to excuse, and that's where I think people make a mistake, because that's where values come in, and that's where the mind comes in later. But if you don't have the values, and you don't have the desire to do good, and you allow your psychopathology to rule you, then having been humiliated as a child will produce terrible results. 00:16:48 Speaker 3: I agree. 00:16:48 Speaker 2: Yeah. It's unbelievably important. But I want to review, because I don't think most parents... think about the concept of humiliating a two-year-old. So why don't you give an example or two or three of how that is done? 00:17:05 Speaker 3: Well, one thing that is done is to make fun of a kid, to make fun of a child because they are either inarticulate or clumsy or going through whatever would be a normal developmental phase. I think that that's the reason for the proverb, don't cry over spilled milk. which means many things, but I think that one of the things that it means is don't humiliate your child for having been clumsy. Don't humiliate your child for being inarticulate. Don't make fun of them. Don't mock them. Don't tease them. Don't offer them something and then take it away. Don't use your superior intelligence, experience, education, database, or strength to lord it over You're supposed to use as a parent your superior strength and your superior knowledge to assist the child, not to thwart the child. 00:18:07 Speaker 2: I have actually seen parents mimic in a mocking way the way a child will express himself. You know, I'm trying to... visualize some of the examples you're giving. And it is amazing. And they don't sit down and think, gee, how do I humiliate my child? But that's exactly what they're doing. 00:18:29 Speaker 3: That's exactly what they're doing. And unfortunately, I'm sorry to say, if you go to any of the warehouse-style stores on a busy holiday and you see people waiting in line with their young children and observe the number of children who are doing normal child mischief or attention-getting and are being yelled at, smacked, shaken, shouted at, teased. It's really heartbreaking. 00:19:04 Speaker 2: When you hear a phrase which is no longer used, but it's a phrase that you and I heard as a child, even if it wasn't used on us, children should be seen and not heard. Is that an example of humiliating treatment? 00:19:20 Speaker 3: Well, it can be. I think that if you are teaching your kids manners and when they can do certain things, and if it's done in a positive way, that can be fine. But if you're telling a kid, if you're telling your child especially, that they're not supposed to make their feelings known to you, That is humiliating. But that also goes into the second one of not really listening. 00:19:49 Speaker 2: We'll take calls when we come back and more on this. By the way, we've only dealt with up to age three. We're going to advance it as well and take your calls. 1-8-PRAGER, P-R-A-G-E-R-7-7-6 is the number. My guest is Dr. Stephen Marmer, teaches psychiatry at UCLA Medical School and is in private practice in Los Angeles. You're listening to the Happiness Hour on the Dennis Prager Show. 00:20:12 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:20:25 Speaker

2: You're listening to the Dennis Prager Show and specifically the Happiness Hour every Friday at this time, an hour devoted to the subject of happiness. And in terms of goodness in this world and happiness, I tell you, listening to Dr. Stephen Marmer here, my guest, UCLA psychiatrist, I am just reinforced in my belief that if children were not humiliated, much of the world's problems would be alleviated. Now, you're talking about the effects of the first three years of behavior on us, and I am thinking about the hundreds of thousands of children, if not more than that, maybe a million, adopted at age three, let's say. What hope is there for a parent, starting with a child whom literally only God knows how was treated those first two or three years? 00:21:27 Speaker 3: Well, of course, that's part of the point. If they've had some appropriate loving experiences in their first three years, then, of course, it's a much easier situation. The point is that whatever you don't get in those first three years, you're going to have to get sometime. And if you give a child what they need in the first three years... then they're going to need less of those same things later on. So this is kind of an answer to the question, if you pick up a kid who's crying, your baby is crying, and you pick him or her up, are you going to spoil them? My view is that most of the adult patients whom I see are striving to get in adult life what they didn't get in the first three years. So if you adopt a child at four or at six years, or if for some reason or other you see the light when the kid is a little bit older and you want to make up for what you missed in the early years, then you have to put yourself in the mindset of what did this child miss in those critical first two or three years of life, and how can I bend my child-rearing technique to make sure that I compensate for that. So an adopted child might need a lot more intensity of reading what they're thinking, because they may not be able to communicate it as well, or they may have been humiliated, and so you have to be much, much gentler in your reproaches and in your guidance of them. 00:23:09 Speaker 4: Right. 00:23:10 Speaker 2: Again, adoption later than birth, obviously. Yes, adoption later than birth. Just making that clear to people listening. If what you're saying is true, and it seems to me that it would be, then there is hope for people who have had a bad first three years. 00:23:26 Speaker 3: Well, there is ongoing plasticity. That is to say, you can still modify your character structure all the way up through the teens. In some ways, the teenage years are a recapitulation of those first years. And so it is possible to do a lot of corrective work emotional experience, so to speak, to use a charged term in psychiatry. It has a good name and a bad name, that particular term. But I think the concept is useful. You can fix in adolescence a lot of the things that went wrong early on if you do it skillfully. 00:24:07 Speaker 2: All right, let's take some calls. Alexandria, Virginia, and Mike. Mike Dennis Prager, thanks for calling. 00:24:13 Speaker 5: Yes. 00:24:14 Speaker 3: Hello, Dennis. 00:24:15 Speaker 6: Hi. 00:24:15 Speaker 5: I wanted to ask about how much is genetically passed along by parents, if the doctor could answer that, compared to how much you get. It's environment versus nature is what I'm curious about. 00:24:27 Speaker 2: In other words, how much of a child's nature is simply there from birth, inherited, and how much is affected by psychological and other environmental factors, Dr. Marmer? 00:24:40 Speaker 6: Yes. 00:24:40 Speaker 1: Yes. 00:24:42 Speaker 3: I like to say that there are three what I call prehistoric sources of character molding. One of them is genetic. That's in the DNA. One of them is intrauterine. In other words, during the development of the child, during pregnancy, what influences occur, medications that the mother might have taken or used, accidents during the birth process, things of that sort. And the third prehistoric thing is all of the stuff that goes on in a person's life in the first two years before they've got words. And it's sometimes extremely difficult to distinguish among those three. But in a nutshell, I would say 50% genetic, 50% not in the DNA. 00:25:29 Speaker 2: We'll be back, taking more calls. Thank you, Mike, in Virginia. 1-8 Prager. Seven, seven, six is the number. We're going to talk about what happens after three, as well as much more. And folks, I want to talk to you as well about it. Humiliating children, a big deal. You're listening to The Dennis Prager Show with Dr. Stephen Marmer. 00:25:51 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue. 00:25:54 Speaker 2: Right after this. 00:25:57 Speaker 4: Hi, Dennis Prager here. Well, as you know, I've been off the air since my injury in November 2024. Thank you for your prayers. Believe me, I've missed talking to you. I'm starting the Ask Me Anything episodes on the Timeless Wisdom Podcast, and I'd love to hear from you. Whether your question is about faith, morality, politics, history, relationships, happiness, or even my life, give me a call and leave a voicemail. The number is 877-243-7776. That's 877-243-7776. Please include your first name and where you're calling from. I will answer as many questions as I can on future episodes of the podcast. Obviously, I can't respond to every question, but I will listen or read every question. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for listening. 00:27:02 Speaker 1: Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:27:08 Speaker 2: All righty, my friends, you're listening to The Dennis Prager Show. Anthony, if you'll put up Dr. Marmer, thank you. My guest is Dr. Stephen Marmer, psychiatrist, UCLA Medical School, and in private practices in Los Angeles. And the subject is the greatest, the most common mistakes that parents make in raising their children. The biggest one here,

and he's given a series called is that the humiliation of children, and that begins from birth, believe it or not. How do you humiliate a one-year-old, a lot of you might wonder, and yet it is done regularly. And that is some of the problem, a big part of the problem in the unhappiness of people and the evils that we see in the world. Let's go to some calls, Dr. Marmer, if that's okay with you. 00:27:54 Speaker 4: Sure. 00:27:56 Speaker 2: Let's see. Let's go to Elaine in Sylmar, California. Hello, Elaine, Dennis Prager, and Dr. Stephen Marmer. 00:28:03 Speaker 6: Good morning to both of you. My question was, and the doctor addressed it slightly, what if your kids go past the teen years? Are there anything that as parents you can do to correct what you didn't do right? And also, I think what you're talking about should be taught to child care workers so they can pass it on to their parents. 00:28:23 Speaker 3: That they deal with. 00:28:25 Speaker 2: Dr. 00:28:26 Speaker 6: Marmer? 00:28:26 Speaker 3: Well, I certainly agree that with the increasing use of preschool for families either who want to get their kids a head start in the education process or in two-income families, I think that it's very important that people at the nursery school and pre-nursery school level understand all of this and uh... not only do it right with the kids but also help educate parents i think that that's a uh... very uh... important thing uh... as far as uh... remedial stuff later on in life i i i want to take this opportunity to articulate again my concept that uh... each of us have the obligation to reduce by fifty percent the pathology that we inherited from our parents it's not incumbent upon us, nor is it possible to reduce it by 100%. But if you can reduce by 50% what you pass on to your kids, that's a success, and you've done a good job as a parent. As far as the teen years, that is a second kind of recapitulation of the infancy. Children are learning about the world. They're acquiring a huge amount of knowledge. They're defining their character. And if you have, in one way or another, failed to really listen to or understand your child in infancy, this is an opportunity to make up for it. Most teenagers want to communicate, don't know how to communicate, and if by being an extremely patient and understanding listener you can help them figure out what's going on inside of them and not mock them for it and not lord it over them with your greater power, you're going to have a much happier teenager. Adolescence is a miserable time for anybody. 90% of teenagers are tormented in one form or another, and a very calm, patient, understanding, empathetic parent can really make a difference. 00:30:40 Speaker 2: Thank you, Elaine. What about the individual, him or herself? Let's say you have been humiliated as a child. And there's nothing your parents can do now. Maybe there is, but let's leave them out. What can you do for yourself? 00:30:57 Speaker 3: Well, I think that there are several pathways. One is to try and associate yourself with kind people. There's nothing like having a circle of good friends to improve your opinion of yourself and yourself. the way you treat others because you can model yourself after the good people that you hang out with. The second, of course, is therapy. You have to be very fortunate in choosing the right kind of therapy and the right therapist. The third is some wholesome belief system. I particularly favor wholesome religious systems, but there are other kind of quasi-religious or not completely religious things, such as 12-step programs, such as charitable organizations and so forth, in which by doing good for others, you can raise your self-esteem and you can have the opportunity through not doing to others what was done to you in some vicarious way to heal yourself. 00:32:13 Speaker 2: Honeyville, Utah, 1430 KLO, and Catherine. Hello, Catherine Dennis Prager and Dr. Stephen Marmer. 00:32:20 Speaker 7: Hi, thank you so much for your show. 00:32:22 Speaker 2: Thank you. 00:32:23 Speaker 7: I have a three-month-old son, and my husband comes from a long line of teasers, and I'm just wondering if Dr. Marmer can talk about how I can get my husband not to tease my son. 00:32:37 Speaker 2: Okay. Get him a... I'm not kidding. I'm not trying to make a sale here, but get him a copy of this hour. It would be very helpful for him to hear how damaging, even though he doesn't mean in any way to damage the child, it could be. 00:32:52 Speaker 7: That's a great idea. 00:32:54 Speaker 2: But go ahead, Dr. 00:32:55 Speaker 1: Marmer. 00:32:55 Speaker 3: Well, certainly there's a difference between generating a good sense of humor and a playful attitude toward life and teasing somebody in a humiliating way. And if you're teasing. 00:33:09 Speaker 3: Addresses kind of the absurdity of the world, then that's not bad. 00:33:15 Speaker 2: All right, so Catherine, give us an example. 00:33:19 Speaker 7: Well, the way he has treated me is kind of the way that a brother teases a little sister. And, you know, I'm afraid that he'll tease our son the way he would tease a little brother instead of a parent to a child relationship. 00:33:35 Speaker 3: Well, the thing to avoid... is anything that depends upon one person's superiority over another person. If you're emphasizing someone else's weakness or incapacity or idiosyncrasies, and you're stronger, that's bad. If you're jointly laughing at the world, that's good. 00:34:00 Speaker 2: By the way, the number for copies of the show, Catherine and anyone else, is 800-225- 8584-800-225-8584. Final segment with Dr. Marmer coming up. Catherine, I certainly hope that helps. You are listening to The Dennis Prager Show at 1-8 Prager 776. 00:34:19 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:34:33 Speaker 2: All righty, my friends. Final segment with Dr. Stephen Marmer. The

mistakes, you want to review that list there of the most common mistakes parents make, with the overwhelming one being humiliation of a child from any age, including birth. What were the others on the list? 00:34:49 Speaker 3: The first one was humiliation. The second one was failure to really listen to what your child is trying to say. Not only to give them the time for them to speak to you, but also to really tune in to what they're trying to tell you. The third is inconsistency. If the same behavior one day brings praise and the next day brings punishment, that is very confusing. Children need consistency. And then the fourth would be allowing your child too much mindless activity or boredom, such as plopping them in front of a TV set instead of interacting with them as a real living human being. 00:35:32 Speaker 2: The next time we talk, I really would like to devote the show to the issue of boredom and mindless activity, because that's a very big issue today for a lot of parents. Yes, it is. And it's a problem one. Let's try to get a couple of calls, if at all possible, here. And Mike in San Diego, go ahead quickly. Thanks. 00:35:52 Speaker 8: Dennis, I really appreciate your topic and the wisdom from both of you gentlemen. 00:35:56 Speaker 2: Thank you. 00:35:59 Speaker 8: I wanted to share that I'm... guilty of not being able to overcome a bad start for my two stepdaughters when I came into a marriage. And then shortly after that, we were able to adopt a young three-year-old crack baby that nobody wanted and would be called a throwaway child in today's culture by a lot of people. The two older girls were still going through 12-step programs and alike with them so many years later. The three-year-old is very well-adjusted, happy, married, just had a baby, 29-year-old young lady. They own their own home. She and her husband. So a happy story there with the three-year-old adoption, but same parents could not overcome the 11, 12 years by the teenage years. 00:37:02 Speaker 2: Of the stepchildren. 00:37:03 Speaker 8: Yes. 00:37:04 Speaker 2: Yeah. What do you say, Dr. Marmer? 00:37:06 Speaker 3: Well, there's no greater contribution to the happiness of the world than giving children a good, solid foundation in their early years of life, and I congratulate Mike for having been able to do that with his youngest. Sometimes damage is reversible, and sometimes it takes really a lifetime to overcome a bad childhood. and I just hope that more parents try to do what he did with that youngest child. 00:37:38 Speaker 2: Michael in Tucson, Mitch in Cleveland, Anonymous in Santa Monica, Elise in San Diego, and other callers I don't see, forgive me for not getting to you. Dr. Marmer, I will conclude as I always do, your patients are lucky people to have you. 00:37:52 Speaker 3: Thank you, Dennis. 00:37:53 Speaker 2: You're welcome very much. Don't go away, folks. Another hour of the Dennis Prager Show coming up. 00:37:58 Speaker 1: On tomorrow's episode of Dennis Teaches the Torah. 00:38:02 Speaker 2: The frogs died away from the houses, from the courtyards, and from the fields. They piled them up, that is the Egyptians piled these frogs up, heaps upon heaps, and the land stank. You can imagine, can you imagine millions of dead frogs rotting away? This was God's last joke, as it were, on this plague. Okay, I'll take the frogs away, but I'm not going to let you forget the plague that quickly. And here comes the great classic about the bad guys. When Pharaoh saw that there was breathing room, how do you have it translated? Relief? 00:38:48 Speaker 4: Yeah. 00:38:49 Speaker 2: Relief is as good as breathing room. 00:38:51 Speaker 4: He uses breathing room. 00:38:53 Speaker 2: He made his heart heavy with stubbornness, Or made his heart heavy and did not hearken to them as God had spoken. What does as God had spoken mean? You'd understand it perfectly if the word instead of spoken were predicted. And Pharaoh acted just as God had predicted. That's what it means. 00:39:22 Speaker 1: Come back tomorrow for Dennis Prager's signature series on the first five books of the Bible, Dennis Teaches the Torah. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. We want to take just a second to thank the team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on the podcast. Go to lifeaudio.com to find dozens of other faith-centered podcasts and their network, including shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.