Full Transcript for How Much Should You Criticize Your Spouse? | Male/Female Hour

here. It's the issue of men and critics, or indeed, women and critics. So it's a tough line here to balance, because on the one hand, If someone never says anything about any way at all in which you can do better, I mean, you know, is it a criticism to say you have something between your teeth after you've eaten? Is it a criticism to say you're speaking too loud at the restaurant? You know, it's unnatural to never have anything... of a critical nature to say to the person that you are involved with. And loving criticism, dispensed lovingly, obviously coming from a loving spot, can be one of the greatest services you can perform in a marriage or in a friendship. But, on the other hand, we all, I think, either experienced or have seen elsewhere where there is simply too much of it, where the relationship seems to be a continuous stream of criticism. 1-8-PRAGER-776 1-8-PRAGER-776 That's 877-243-7776 877-243-7776 Is this an issue in your relationship? Have you given this thought? Here is a thought that you might want to consider. How about for, have some sort of, even keep a count, that for every criticism you offer, it has been couched in eight positive statements about the other. That you have an eight to one ratio. I'm just throwing out a number. Maybe it should be three to one, maybe it should be 50 to one. But that you have some sort of ratio of positive statements reinforcing good statements to your spouse, your partner, as critical ones. And then you have to figure out, too, what is it that is coming? Where is the criticism coming from? Is it really disguised anger? See, that's what... And the recipient... Needs to figure out as well, am I hypersensitive? Is this just a loving criticism? Or is it really just disguised anger? And is the person just hyper in what they want me to be? And is the criticism an attempt to change me? Or is it an attempt to improve me? and how much improvement. It's a very, very complex issue, but the very fact that I'm raising it is helpful because a lot of people don't even think about this. how much do i criticize how much am i criticized where is it coming from how what tone am i am i giving it and uh and and what let's put it this way i think it's fair to say that the most harmonious relationship will probably have less criticism. Is that a fair statement? I mean, look, it's one thing to be criticized by your boss. You know, I wish you had done a better job in X, Y, or Z next time you submit this report, next time you go on this sales pitch, do this. It's one thing to be criticized by your boss. That's what a boss is there for. I mean, they hired you for a job. You've got to do the job well or they get rid of you. But your spouse isn't your boss. They didn't hire you. Well, they did hire you. I take that back. Actually, I have a view of marriage as a form of hiring. I have hired a partner for life. That's a fair statement. But putting that aside, it is much harder for most people to take criticism from a loved one

than from a boss. And it ought to be, by the way. I think you should take criticism from a boss very matter-of-factly. That's their job. I mean, if they're hyper, they're hyper. That's a separate issue. But you have to figure out how much. And my bottom line is that the less criticism, generally speaking, the more harmonious the relationship. A good relationship does not thrive on a lot of criticism. All right? Let's be honest. Maybe it does in work. Maybe two business partners thrive critiquing each other all the time for the sake of the business. That's possible. But it doesn't work in the micro. It does not work in a family life, in a family situation. That's different, by the way, than from kids. I think you should criticize your kids when necessary. But that's not a relationship of peers. and you shouldn't be seeking to be loved all the time by your kids. You should be seeking to be loved all the time by your spouse. So the one of you that is doing a lot of criticizing might ask, am I rendering myself very lovable with all of this criticism? Now, that doesn't mean there should never be. Of course there should be. But I do stick with this statement, that the less there is, generally speaking, the more harmonious the relationship will be. I'll take your calls when we come back. This is the Male Female Hour on the Dennis Prager Show, 877-243-7776 or 1-8 Prager 776. And I also love to read your emails on these subjects. Back momentarily. 00:12:57 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:13:09 Speaker 2: Hi, everybody. Dennis Prager here. The male-female hour on The Dennis Prager Show every week this hour, the second of my three hours. On Wednesdays, devoted to men and women. And this is a very complex subject, the issue of criticizing your spouse. My rule of thumb is the less the better. Let's... On many grounds. One, the less you do, maybe because the more you love about the person and therefore feel less necessary to do. Another reason is the less you do, the more when you do it, it can be heard. If you criticize so much, then eventually what really matters won't be heard in the din of all of the other critiques. And at a given point, how much do you love somebody that you continually criticize? What's to love? On the other hand, you know, we can all stand improvement in various areas. And if you know the person loves you, you have to ask, and this is very, very significant. Here is a toughie for a lot of people. You have to ask when you're criticized, is the person perhaps right? It's a fairly uncommon reaction because the instinctive reaction is to defend oneself. And, you know, let me give you a macro example because I get a fair share of very angry criticisms of me. I mean, I wouldn't even say criticism. I'd say attacks on the Internet and elsewhere. I mean, they're very public. You can easily find them if you search online. And I will be honest with

you, I have learned to think, is there any legitimacy to the attack? I mean, the way they're saying it, I think very low of the person doing the attacking, but there are times that I will also say, well, is the attack completely invalid, or overwhelmingly invalid, or is there some truth to it? Now, but that's easy for me to do because these are not the people I love in my life. These are strangers writing, so I can easily do that. It's much harder with a spouse, I fully acknowledge. But still, if your spouse has credibility and you know that they love you and think well of you, that's the critical thing. Here is a critical thing that you need to know. And then I'm going to take your calls. I think the man's name is John Gottman. He is in Seattle. He's considered by many to be the greatest expert on marriage in the country, on marital relations. He is so good at this, apparently, that he can watch unobserved through a one-way mirror. He can watch a couple for a few minutes and tell you in how long they'll divorce. I mean, the man is amazing. And he has said couples can recuperate from anything except one thing. They can recuperate from an infidelity. They can recuperate from the death of a child. They can recuperate from the loss of jobs. They can recuperate from a terrible accident. They cannot recuperate if one has contempt for the other. It is the one thing you cannot, a marriage cannot survive. Contempt. So if the criticism is either delivered contemptuously or is perceived as coming from contempt, then it dooms the marriage. If it comes from love and from the opposite of contempt, respect. If you know your spouse thinks highly of you, but just as you would tell a great baseball player, you know, let me just show you a little way you might hold the bat even better and do even better. That's a big difference from, you know, you're a real loser. And, you know, then there's no chance. All righty, let's go to some of your calls here. Atlanta, Georgia, and Barbara. Hello, Barbara. Dennis Prager. Hi. 00:17:31 Speaker 9: My husband gave the greatest answer to my criticism one day. I was nitpicking at something and said, why did you do it that way? And he said, because I live to irritate you. 00:17:41 Speaker 2: That is... See, I tell you, if men learn to use humor... When their wife is a little annoyed, it is one of the great weapons at men's disposal that they do not know of. Well, I'm 10 years. 00:17:56 Speaker 9: And it makes me think any time I might say something to him, why am I criticizing him? 00:18:03 Speaker 2: You're a good wife. You're a good wife. He's a better husband. I'm sorry? 00:18:07 Speaker 3: He's a better husband. 00:18:09 Speaker 8: He's fantastic. 00:18:10 Speaker 5: Oh. 00:18:11 Speaker 2: Well, that's right. Tell him what you told me. As long as you tell him what you told me, that's great. So you basically agree with this comment, God created men and critics? 00:18:22 Speaker 9: In my case, yeah, I tend to be a little critical. 00:18:26 Speaker 2: Barbara, I love you. That was great. That was just great. See, she acknowledges it. I think there is, look, I think there's truth to the statement in this way. And God knows there are men who criticize their women far too much, of course. But there is truth in this way. Did you ever notice how much more women groom their men? Did you ever see once a guy flicking off little tiny pieces of God knows what from a woman's dress, his wife's dress? 00:18:56 Speaker 6: No. 00:18:58 Speaker 2: How often have you seen the wife fixing the guy's collar, tie, lapel, shirt, suit jacket? 00:19:06 Speaker 8: Right? 00:19:08 Speaker 2: It always reminds me of the monkeys. It does. It reminds me of the monkeys in the zoo when you're watching them groom each other. For whatever reason, I always get that image in my mind. Because there is a part of a woman, I do believe this, there is a part of female nature that would like their man to be perfect. I'm not saying it critically. I mean, there are a whole host of images that men have and so on. Anyway, so let's continue to get more of the calls here. And we go to Catherine in Euless, Texas. Hi, Catherine. Dennis Prager. 00:19:47 Speaker 8: Hello. 00:19:48 Speaker 2: Hi. 00:19:50 Speaker 8: Rovi married 10 years this month, and I fully believe that with criticism, it should be far and few between. My husband was part of the Christmas party and sang in a trio, and he had a solo at the beginning, and he killed it. And he had all these compliments from everyone, and as we were going home, he asked me how he did. And I said, do you want me to be nice, or do you want me to be honest? And he said, well, I want you to be honest. And so I thought for a minute, and I said, that was the best performance by Kermit the Frog. And he was quiet for a minute, and then he just said, now you know my secret. I can't sing in public. And so he just, Took it in stride. 00:20:42 Speaker 2: Oh, I have a big smile. I wish you could see me personally. I had a big smile on my face this whole dialogue that you were recounting. You did a very good job. Thank you. And I'm on your side. Look, I think the less the better. That's what I said for harmonious relationships. You know, in fact, I've always used this. This was given by Irving Kristol, the godfather of neoconservatism. He said, you know, there are folks in America always criticizing America, constantly criticizing America. They say, well, we criticize it because we love it. He said, yeah, but what if a man criticized his wife as much? Would you say he loved her? Something to keep in mind. Stay tuned. 00:21:27 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:21:40 Speaker 2: Come back. The Dennis Prager Show, the male-female hour, second hour Wednesday each week. I love your emails on this. It helps me writing my book on the male sexual nature, by the way. But whatever the subject

on male-female, I keep them. I keep your letters on it, and I learn a lot from them. And you open up to me because, well, frankly, I'm pretty open. Subject today is the tough one of criticizing your spouse... On a very complex subject, my bottom line is that, generally speaking, the less the better. It doesn't mean none. None is not a good idea either. But the less the better. If your spouse is so worthy of criticism for it to be a constant, then clearly you have chosen the wrong person to be married to. I mean, come on, let's be honest. If you really are married to someone who is deserving of constant criticism, then unless you have a philosophical, moral, religious reason to oppose a divorce, then it would seem to me that that would be the most logical thing. And even if you say, well, we're staying together for the children, it's a very difficult thing to answer. Is it better for children to see a parent constantly criticizing the other or to experience divorce? I don't know. I don't know. The most honest answer I can give you is it depends on the child's nature. But it's hardly a beneficent experience for a child to see a spouse criticized all the time. The odds are that that's exactly what the child will do with either his or her spouse or have done to him or her. when they choose a spouse. So it's a pretty tough thing, and what you might want to do is count. How many criticisms have I offered my spouse this week? Make a list. Every time you do it, just write a little number down. 1-8 Prager 776. And let's go to Debbie, Escondido, California. Hi, Debbie, Dennis Prager. 00:23:56 Speaker 3: Hi, Dennis. Thank you for taking my call. 00:23:59 Speaker 1: Thank you. 00:24:00 Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been married about 10 years to my husband, and he's a wonderful man, very capable. I tell people there's nothing he really can't take apart and put back together, that he's very intelligent. But he tends to kind of pick at things, especially in my speech. If I've mispronounced a word or something, said something that he felt was incorrect. And over the years now, it seems to have undermined my confidence in myself because he looks at it as, I'm just giving you a suggestion on how to do that better. But now I'll stop and I'll hesitate before I do something because I don't like the criticism. Now give me a specific example if you can. Well, if I've mispronounced a word, and he'll stop me and say, no, you said it should be said this way. 00:25:06 Speaker 2: Okay, now, is he doing that in front of others, or just when you two were talking? 00:25:10 Speaker 8: Both. 00:25:12 Speaker 2: Okay, well, I disagree about it being done in front of others, and I agree with it being done when you're alone. So I'm between the two of you, because in front of others is... There's a humiliating aspect, which should never take place. 00:25:27 Speaker 3: Sometimes I feel like you knew what I meant. 00:25:31 Speaker 2: Yes, he does, but... And I'm just kind of like... Well, the question, all right, so the question that then you have to say, look, you could say to him, look, honey, the truth is I don't care if I mispronounce words when I'm speaking to people. It does not matter to me. And so he'll have to make peace with that. But I think it should matter to you. 00:25:56 Speaker 3: Well, yeah. Of course, I do want to be speaking correctly. But, you know, it's gotten to the point where I'll stop. 00:26:05 Speaker 2: No, I understand because you're so self-conscious. I understand. Well, that's why I... This is... It's a very... I can't answer because I'm not present. That's why I... The one no-no I had was with regard to... when you're in public because in public, uh, and anything that even smacks of, of, of humiliation is just, is a no, no. Uh, it's a, it's a tough call there. I know I would want to be, I would want to be, I look, I speak for a living. So I would particularly want to be corrected by my wife. Anytime I mispronounced the word. Okay. Anyway, We'll continue. This is the Male Female Hour on the Dennis Prager Show. 00:26:48 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. 00:26:53 Speaker 7: Dennis, we love you so much. You have meant so much to me and my family. So many years, everything that you do. Thank God you're still with us and you are of sound mind and still have so much to offer. 00:27:11 Speaker 2: Hello, Dennis. 00:27:13 Speaker 5: No question, just wanted to send lots of love and prayers for. 00:27:20 Speaker 3: You and your strength, your recovery. 00:27:23 Speaker 5: For your whole family and yourself. 00:27:27 Speaker 7: Miss you so very much. 00:27:29 Speaker 6: Thank you. 00:27:30 Speaker 2: Bye-bye. 00:27:32 Speaker 1: Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:27:37 Speaker 2: While no relationship should be criticism-free, none. because it almost means you don't care about the person, and you're not their close friend. A close friend does lovingly criticize, but it's how you do it, how often you do it, why you do it, those are the things that matter. And you have to be prepared to accept it under the circumstances. You, the recipient of it, have to accept it under the circumstances that they are given with love and respect and solely to better you and so on. So these are appropriate. I have changed some of my driving habits, I will admit, because of my wife's loving way of noting some of my tendencies. That's right. That's fine. Alright, let's take more of your calls here. It's huge. It's a huge subject. Peter in San Antonio, Texas. Dennis Prager, thanks for calling. 00:28:54 Speaker 4: Hi, Dennis. How are you? 00:28:56 Speaker 2: Okay, thanks. 00:28:57 Speaker 4: Let me take your speakerphone out. 00:29:01 Speaker 2: Yes, please do. 00:29:01 Speaker 4: Can you hear me? 00:29:03 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:29:03 Speaker 4: Okay, I apologize. I appreciate your show and I learned so much from you. I appreciate it. I think God's plan for marriage is oneness.

So when you criticize your spouse, you're basically criticizing yourself. One of our, the pastor, when we first came to know the Lord, he used to have a good comeback and said whenever you criticize each other, you'd say to each other, you know, well, You're just as this or that because you picked me. You married me. You knew my faults before we got married, more or less. And that has settled quite a few criticism sessions in our marriage. We've been married for 21 years. 00:29:53 Speaker 2: Right. 00:29:54 Speaker 4: And I think I criticize my wife more than she criticizes me. 00:29:59 Speaker 2: So how did you start reducing the amount of criticism? What changed your mind? 00:30:06 Speaker 4: Well, you ask God to give you love for your wife, or at least seeing things from her point of view. 00:30:17 Speaker 2: But that's excellent. But even before that, what happened was you went for counseling based on the amount of criticism? 00:30:28 Speaker 4: No, I think, no, this was a comment made from the pulpit. 00:30:32 Speaker 2: Oh, how interesting. Oh, so that worked. Oh, very good. Bless that pastor. See, pastors and, you know, radio talk show, we never know what line will affect somebody. That's very important. Well, that's very good. And that's why I said earlier, look, if you find that, you know, you are being constantly criticized or you are constantly criticizing, then... then either you have to reduce it dramatically or realize that you're married to the wrong person. Somebody worthy of fairly constant criticism is not terribly livable with, right? I mean, one has to be honest with oneself. And the ratio of beautiful comments to criticisms has to be a very high one. That's the thing that I want to leave that with you. I want to embed that in your mind. that there be this very large ratio of compliment to critique. If, if it's you, you've made the person raw, it's like they have a broken bone and you keep, keep hitting it. If the, if criticism is the primary mode of expression that you have toward your spouse. Okay. Uh, let's go to, uh, some more of your calls here. And, uh, Oh, here's an important one. San Antonio, Texas, Laura. Hi, Laura. Dennis Prager. 00:32:03 Speaker 5: Hi, Dennis. 00:32:04 Speaker 6: Hi. 00:32:05 Speaker 5: I might should get together with Peter in San Antonio, the last caller, right? 00:32:10 Speaker 1: I had a contentious. 00:32:11 Speaker 5: Family growing up, and I never really could identify who was the most offending, my mother or my father. It just helped shape me as a married person to determine to not be as argumentative as they were. And something interesting happened. My father died suddenly in 1992, and within that next year, my mother said something to me that really surprised me, and it was typically an ownership-type statement. She said, I was responsible for 95% of the arguments. 00:32:49 Speaker 3: That we had. 00:32:50 Speaker 6: Wow. 00:32:51 Speaker 5: Which made me really sorry for. 00:32:53 Speaker

3: Her, because.... 00:32:55 Speaker 5: Of 43 years. You know, it takes its toll. 00:32:58 Speaker 3: There's a cost. 00:33:00 Speaker 5: There's a price every single time. 00:33:02 Speaker 3: You know, pick, pick, pick. 00:33:04 Speaker 5: Now, she found a repentance in it, and she's totally whole and good and healed from it. But it just showed me that I was right, you know, myself, 33 years ago. 00:33:16 Speaker 2: Well, you were a very wise young woman then because it is just as likely to repeat parental errors as it is to learn from them to do the opposite. 00:33:25 Speaker 3: Absolutely. 00:33:26 Speaker 5: And frankly, it can just be habitual. I mean, it doesn't have to be very scientific. It can just be stinking habitual. 00:33:34 Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. Well said. That's why, look, if there's a lot of it in your marriage, it's not good, folks. I mean, it's something to know. It's something to know. It needs to be reduced. The amount of compliments has to be increased. It has to be cushioned. You have to figure out what it is, and if the person is really worthy of such constant criticism, then you shouldn't be with that person. Now, if for philosophical, religious, familial, psychological, financial reasons, you can't divorce, then you don't divorce. Fine. But, I mean, I'm only mentioning the D word, the divorce word, not to encourage it, but to tell you how serious constant criticism is. That a divorce may well be preferable to that. for all concerned, not just the spouses, even perhaps for the children. So this is a very big deal. It's not just a nuisance. It's destructive after a while. And even if your criticisms are legitimate, then if your criticisms are legitimate, then it just reinforces the D word back in a moment. 00:34:43 Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 00:34:56 Speaker 2: The issue of criticism, and let me summarize some here. I know Paul in Minnesota has been on since the beginning. I feel terrible. He's been more critical. It's about criticizing your spouse, this hour has been. By the way, you can get a copy of this hour or of all my hours at a ridiculously nominal fee. Call 800-225-8584. This hour alone might be able to save some of your marriages. 800-225-8584 for all of my shows and to just get this hour or this show or just get all of them downloadable. Again, it's at DennisPrager.com or at 800-225-8584. Prager Topia is how you subscribe. And here is one where I think a spouse might be better able to listen to a stranger, quote-unquote, in other words, a third-party me, than perhaps to you. But the rule has to be that the fewer the better in terms of criticisms. Doesn't mean none, though. Does not mean none. So Paul's more critical of his wife, especially in regard to organizing the house. Well, you've just got to figure out a way to... I'm not saying you can. I'm not a utopian. But figure out a way for you to minimize your criticism and for her or you both to figure out a better way to organize the house or you figure out how to live with it. Something has to give because continuing this way is just going to be a bad marriage. You don't like the way she organizes the house and you keep criticizing. Something has to give. I mean, there are a lot of variables there. Ephraim in Atlanta, Georgia says, One has to choose in marriage between peace and truth. Rarely can you have both. God, I'd love to talk about that at greater length. That's why I say the truth is the greatest macro value, not necessarily the greatest micro value. Interesting point there. And let's see here. Jim in Texas, he learned to go to the Lord with criticism first. I'm reading off his own words. and would realize that I was often wrong with my criticisms, and my wife would do the same. I believe you, and I think it's a great idea. Now, I wish I could have taken Steve. If you could call on Friday, Steve. What do I do if I have a criticism that is important, but I am afraid to hurt my wife? That's a very important subject. So let me just leave you. And yes, and in Denver, Michael, you criticized the action, not the person. Agreed. Again, the rules. The less, the better. But that doesn't mean none. And keep a little accounting of compliments, number of compliments versus number of criticisms. It's been the male-female hour on the Dennis Prager Show. 00:37:54 Speaker 1: Tomorrow on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. 00:37:57 Speaker 2: We essentially, we humans, we are memory. I have asked people who lost their, if they had a wonderful marriage and they lost their partner after 30, 40 years. Do the memories of your marriage help you to go on, or is only the present and its pain and its loneliness are only those issues in your life? So memory is close to being everything. My guest is Sue Halpern. H-A-L-P-E-R-N. She has written this book, Can't Remember What I Forgot. Let's see. Moira in Minneapolis. Lost my memory from taking bad meds. What exercises can I do to recover my memory? 00:38:48 Speaker 6: Well, it depends on what that really means. So, you know, if your memory is bad because there's a physiological problem, something kind of is broken in there, probably nothing. But if it's just, you know, everyday life and you have to recover your memory, the best, very, very best thing to do is not mental exercise particularly. It's something that has a mental component, a physical component, and a social component. The best thing to do would be to go dancing. 00:39:19 Speaker 1: Join us tomorrow to hear more on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classes. radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. We want to take just a second to thank the team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on the podcast. Go to lifeaudio.com to find dozens of other faith-centered podcasts and their network, including shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.