Full Transcript for You're Fighting the Wrong Battles With Your Kids (Here's How to Stop) #104

night, right? 00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:20.639 You embrace the suck for one night, it's not that big of a deal. 00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:26.079 If I think multiple times a week, then that cannot be the solution anymore. 00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:43.439 And I think then the solution becomes that uh what I would do is I would actually have you do bedtime for like a week straight, which is I know just like or or every other night, switch off where one person does bedtime for everybody every night. 00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:46.959 And uh literally the other person just leaves the house. 00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:50.480 Like run to the store, go grocery shopping, do something else. 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:56.480 But create predictability with the that that is going to be one person doing bedtime. 00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:02.639 And then once the kids get accustomed to that reality, they're much less likely to push back and fight. 00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:11.279 My guess is you're the the ones who are instigating the chaos are the ones who are most can or most used to your husband being the one to do it. 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:12.639 It's not the same. 00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:13.920 Yeah, it is, right? 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:30.959 It's not the other kid, it's the ones who are being thrown out of routine that are or who feel like they're out of routine that are the ones who are going, oh, well, I don't have to do what I normally do, versus like the critical mass is moving towards bedtime, and then the little one just kind of goes along with it because it's following your husband. 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:32.720 So that's another aspect to this, right? 00:07:32.800 --> 00:07:42.319 If your husband is doing the one that that has the most um the propensity to go off the rails, then actually for them it's normal on those nights. 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:46.160 It's abnormal for the kid who's more likely to go along to get along. 00:07:46.480 --> 00:08:01.360 So I would, I would, I would say every other night you do bedtime for everybody and you establish a bedtime routine, and I know that you've already done this, but establish a new bedtime routine, reset, establish a new bedtime routine that you do that can be fun. 00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:06.399 There can be fun elements that don't make it like horrible, but just make it brutally consistent. 00:08:06.480 --> 00:08:09.600 Make it like, hey, this is gonna happen, then this is gonna happen, then this is gonna happen. 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:13.759 And don't give them any lead lead within that. 00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:24.879 There can be all of this autonomy in life, but there does not have to be any autonomy when it comes to bedtime because that autonomy is creating these kind of like everything gets pulled apart. 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:34.080 Now, if you have a kid who's like obstinately, you know, demand avoidant, then you need them to be bought in and build the routine. 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:47.360 Like there could actually be autonomy and agency in building the routine, but then you become the ultimate, like, you know, it's like it's like uh the Congress makes the laws and then the the judiciary uh upholds the laws, right? 00:08:47.679 --> 00:08:53.840 So you they can be Congress, they can make the laws, but you as the judiciary need to maintain the laws. 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:57.039 I almost never say that kids should be or parents should be judges, right? 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:02.000 I like in every way, in all of my books, I'm always resist the urge to judge, resist the urge to judge. 00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:03.679 But in this case, it's just enforcing. 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:08.240 Hey, you said this was the next step on the bedtime routine, then that is the next step. 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:08.960 That's it. 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:13.919 And the clarity that that brings to them is actually what's regulating. 00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:20.720 It's not the bedtime routine itself, it's the clarity that that bedtime routine brings when you are just brutally consistent on these things. 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:28.159 And understand that they are waiting for you to lose it because you losing it is stimulating. 00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:37.440 So you you can't lose it, but also you need to be able to like if you do, then you kind of you're you're reinforcing the wrong thing. 00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:43.840 You're giving energy to the wrong thing, you're giving food and water to the wrong the weed instead of to the plant that you're trying to grow. 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:49.360 Instead, really put all of your energy towards getting them moving and then be excited. 00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:53.279 Be like, give them the most attention when they're doing the thing that they should be doing. 00:09:53.759 --> 00:10:00.639 That is by far the easiest way to get kids to move in the right direction, is just to give them the attention that they're looking for when they're doing the right thing. 00:10:00.879 --> 00:10:02.080 Oh my gosh, you're brushing your teeth. 00:10:02.240 --> 00:10:04.159 One kid goes running off and doesn't want to brush their teeth. 00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:05.200 Don't follow them. 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:09.279 Like focus on the kid who's brushing their teeth and be like, oh my gosh, this is so great. 00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:10.080 You're brushing your teeth. 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:12.159 Oh, well, should we play a game while you're brushing your teeth? 00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:12.879 Like, make it fun. 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:14.720 And then, okay, now it's time to read our story. 00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:16.399 And then the other kid comes up and is like, I want to read the story. 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:18.080 He's like, No, no, no, you gotta go brush your teeth. 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:21.519 You you can't get you don't get to step three until you do step two. 00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:24.639 No, I want to brush my teeth, I don't I don't want to brush my teeth, I want to do

this right now. 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:27.759 You're you're gonna miss part of this because you gotta brush your teeth. 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:30.960 So you go get your toothbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, come bring it in here. 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:34.080 I'll brush your teeth really fast, and then you can go back and spit and everything. 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:36.879 But you're gonna miss out, you know, a page or two of the story here. 00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:37.840 That's okay. 00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:42.159 You're just giving attention to the thing that you want to see. 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:47.600 And over time, and this is not gonna be like a long time, this is gonna be over a couple days, right? 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:51.919 If you can do this a couple days in a row or you know, one day on, one day off. 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:55.360 I I think ideally you do this like five days in a row and just get it over with. 00:10:55.679 --> 00:10:59.840 But you do this like five days in a row and all of a sudden the kids are like, oh, mom puts us to bed sometimes. 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:08.080 Instead of like, oh, today is a different day where everything gets to change because dad's not here, they it just becomes, oh, this is a mom day. 00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:12.960 And mom days and dad days, it's not dad days and not dad days, it's dad days and mom days. 00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:19.600 And and those may be a little different, but ultimately both of them are consistent and understandable. 00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:33.360 And once your kids get to that point where they just accept that this is gonna be something that you do and that this is gonna be part of it for you, you're gonna realize very quickly how amenable they are to that type of that type of response. 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:37.360 And you don't have to be mean and you don't have to be harsh, you just have to be consistent. 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:44.240 And that consistency can look like not feeding the chaos. 00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:51.039 And I think what most parents get into is as the chaos starts spiraling, it requires more and more of them, which actually is what the kid is looking for. 00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:59.840 They're looking for more and more attention, they're looking for more and more stimulation because their brain is winding down, they're like ready to get go to bed, and they're like, I but I don't want to go to bed, I need something to stimulate me. 00:11:59.919 --> 00:12:02.080 And then they use us to stimulate themselves. 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:04.639 I mean, again, this is not conscious thought. 00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:07.200 This is totally subconscious happening below the surface. 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:14.320 But in their the in secretly deep buried in their subconscious, they are thinking to themselves, oh, this is very this is a lot of fun. 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:17.120 And you, I mean, you remember staying up late with your friends. 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:19.440 Maybe you

still do with your husband occasionally, right? 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:21.039 Stay up until 1 a.m., 2 a.m. 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:24.320 and everything gets really funny, and everything is really fun. 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:27.919 Yeah, that's that's like an hour into bedtime for your kids. 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:37.120 So they're so they're like looking at this and they're like, oh, every the this is our one night where we get to have fun, instead of like, no, this is just like every other night. 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:39.679 And if you want to have fun, that's different. 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:42.000 Actually, this is one of the things that I d have done. 00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:46.799 We let my oldest stay up until as late as he wants on New Year's Eve. 00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:50.960 And because one day does not matter at all in the grand scheme of development. 00:12:51.120 --> 00:12:52.559 One day has zero impact. 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:54.080 One day a month doesn't matter. 00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:57.120 And so we let him stay up as late as he wants on New Year's Eve. 00:12:57.200 --> 00:13:02.720 And it's crazy how when he wants to stay up late, all I have to say is, ah, but it's not New Year's Eve. 00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:04.480 And he's just like, ah, you're right. 00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:05.759 Okay, I'll go to bed. 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:14.000 And it's like, wait, it's as long as I give you this release valve once a year, you're okay with this. 00:13:14.159 --> 00:13:15.440 And maybe other kids wouldn't be. 00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:20.240 But for him, he's like, Yeah, I mean, you let me stay up as late as I want once a year, that's fine. 00:13:20.639 --> 00:13:21.759 That's what you have to create. 00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:27.200 Create the conditions where they want to be fun and silly and slap happy, that's fine, but we're not gonna do that every night. 00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:31.519 That's gonna be that it's not just mom is doing bedtime, therefore. 00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:38.799 That's something that's fun and that we do it intentionally, not something that we fall into every time mom is around. 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:39.759 Does that make sense? 00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:40.799 Yeah, totally. 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:50.960 And I think I mean, like, it's like I try to be uh hold the boundary or whatever, but then it just gets so crazy and chaotic, because then it's like there's all these tears and like, but I didn't brush my teeth. 00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:58.879 Like, well, I'm sorry, but then it's like it's just hard to hold keep holding the boundary when everyone is something like fine, fine, just haven't read the book. 00:13:59.120 --> 00:14:01.679 You know, it's like because it's like you just are trying to like survive. 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:06.399 No, and that's why I said if this was happening once a month, I would just say survive. 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:08.000 I wouldn't say change everything. 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:24.320 But if this is

happening twice a week, then at that point I go, then at that point I go, okay, so you can't there's almost been too much ambiguity in the bedtime routine with you that now you have to reset it because you're like it's like working backwards. 00:14:24.399 --> 00:14:28.240 It's almost better to just start over a new bedtime routine when mom is doing all the kids. 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.919 Hey, I don't know what you do with dad, but but let's make a plan for what you do with me. 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:33.360 Let's make a plan for what's fun with mom. 00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:36.080 Oh, well, can we do this thing that dad doesn't let us do? 00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:38.480 Hey, that's that's between you and your husband and your kids. 00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:42.799 Like I'm not saying yes or no, but I'm saying that might be that might be a useful tool. 00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:45.200 Yeah, we can have cereal night with mom or whatever. 00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:50.480 Like whatever the thing is that you do to make it unique to you, that can be for you. 00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:52.480 And then you reset the bedtime routine. 00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:57.679 And then there's not an expectation that you're gonna bend or break on these things because they've never tried this new routine before. 00:14:57.840 --> 00:14:59.840 They're waiting to see what it's like. 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:04.480 And it's after that new routine becomes consistent, then then you can really reset it. 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:05.039 Does that make sense? 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:06.159 Okay, yeah, sounds good. 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:07.519 I'll try that later. 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:21.440 Um, sorry, our question is around this little guy. 00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:23.120 A plate. 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:26.960 A plate. 00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:37.120 Um, yeah, it's half midnight here at the moment, and um, we've been having struggles since about eight o'clock at night when we're trying to get them to bed. 00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:37.679 Yep. 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:46.559 Um anyway, um our struggle at the moment is around eating so dinner and breakfast. 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:51.519 Um we're struggling with getting to eat when it's time to eat. 00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:58.559 Um, so we're pretty flexible with eating times in terms of like we don't force them to sit at the table to eat. 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:05.840 Both um Eldest has ADHD and autism, and we're pretty sure he's just as spicy. 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:10.639 Um, so they like to roam and walk around when they're eating breakfast time. 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:19.919 We usually just from the get-go, when we wake up, we have our set routine and the checklist that they have to get through before they can do any kind of play. 00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:31.440 Um, and what we're finding is both at breakfast and dinner time, when once that window's closed, he usually does eat during that time. 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:39.919 But as soon as it's time to either go to bed or um go to the car to go to daycare or whatever, it's I'm hungry. 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.080 I want a bowl of rice bubbles. 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:50.960 Like so, we do say you've got options like for bedtime where like you can have an up and go, which is I don't know if you have them there, like the breakfast drinks. 00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:51.679 Yeah, yeah. 00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:54.879 Um, which is essentially a meal in a drink. 00:16:55.120 --> 00:17:03.600 Um, so because we say you can have an up and go or a cup of milk, um, or you can have a muffin if we're going in the car, sure type thing. 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:08.960 But he just is absolutely adamant and screaming the house down. 00:17:09.279 --> 00:17:13.359 I want whatever it is he wants that isn't practical to eat at the moment. 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:24.240 Tonight it was to the point where I actually timed the meltdown and lasted 40 minutes, and I'm sitting there going, why didn't I just give him the freaking rice bubbles? 00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:27.279 Because he probably would be asleep by now. 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:27.920 Totally. 00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:37.119 But at the same time, I don't want to then reward that behavior and then him learn, well, it all it takes is 20, 30 minutes of screaming and mum and dad will change their mind. 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:37.920 Right. 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:43.839 Um, so yeah, so so here's here's like I think we can approach this from two different directions. 00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:54.240 First thing is to say, he's already learned that there is an association between uh I can use eating to push bedtime back. 00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:57.279 And that's actually a really or or push leaving back. 00:17:57.440 --> 00:17:59.519 That's actually a really common thing that kids do. 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:02.079 And the reason why kids do it's pretty simple. 00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:04.559 Um leaving and bedtime are boring. 00:18:05.039 --> 00:18:12.000 And so they're but because they are not as stimulated, they are more in tune with their bodily sensations. 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:25.839 This is of course again, not to pathologize anybody, but this is more common among ADHD kids, especially um because they don't even really notice that they're hungry when they're actively engaged in other things. 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:39.279 And so the key is actually to to just kind of be more boring around meals and essentially say, like, hey, this needs to happen before, you know, if you're done eating, then you're done eating. 00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:40.160 That's fine. 00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:45.519 I'm not gonna like force you, but also like this is when this takes place. 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:52.880 Um, and then you know, we're not you know, we can do one thing at bedtime, but like that it can be this it's gonna be the same thing at bedtime every time. 00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:54.000 So that's actually what I get. 00:18:54.319 --> 00:18:57.440

How do you impl yeah how do you actually implement that? 00:18:57.599 --> 00:19:02.079 Because in the mornings it's like we're always saying, check your job job list. 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.319 Um, no, don't play. 00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:09.519 And so we're just chasing him all the time and he's running away and playing and doing something else. 00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:10.160 Right. 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:13.039 Rather than like, I'm like, look at your jobs, what's next? 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:33.039 Yeah, it's it's just it's it's really challenging because it's like as soon as the jobs are over, then he feels like he has freedom, and then that freedom is acted out in like like one of the things that I say all the time on group coaching is the the three things that you can't make a person do, you can't make them eat, you can't make them sleep, and you can't make them poop, right? 00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:39.519 And so where where do the three most common toddler behaviors for autonomy-seeking behaviors come out? 00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:39.839 Uh-huh. 00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:45.279 Picky eating, fighting bedtime, and potty training in general. 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:46.160 Right? 00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:55.680 So the reason that those places are those places in some ways are because uh kids feel this sense, they know this is a place where I can push back. 00:19:56.079 --> 00:19:59.119 The the key is to say, like, yeah, you don't have to eat what you don't want to eat. 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:00.720 You don't have to eat, you know, et cetera, et cetera. 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:04.799 You don't you we don't have to create uh unhealthy uh views of fe food. 00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:10.720 But at the same time we can say, hey, there is a time for this and there is a time for for this. 00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:19.200 And we can just say, we can put on a thing like foods that you can make a chart, foods that you can eat as a as a bedtime snack. 00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:26.319 And you have the the up and go is that's what it's called on the the energy or the the the like breakfast drink. 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:28.319 Or you have whatever it is, right? 00:20:28.559 --> 00:20:33.440 You have you have the and maybe it's maybe maybe it is like, hey, we're just gonna give them a bowl of cereal every night before bed. 00:20:33.519 --> 00:24:09.429 We're just gonna give them a bowl of oatmeal before night every uh like we're just gonna agree that this is not the battle to fight. 00:24:09.509 --> 00:24:10.710 And we're just gonna put it on the list. 00:24:11.029 --> 00:24:12.789 What I do for my 10-year-old is actually funny. 00:24:12.869 --> 00:24:18.309 I I actually say uh you can eat with the family or you know, around dinner time. 00:24:18.389 --> 00:24:19.509 You don't have to like sit down and eat. 00:24:19.589 --> 00:24:20.389 I don't do that either. 00:24:20.470 --> 00:24:22.309 I'm not like a big you have to sit down and eat. 00:24:22.389 --> 00:24:29.189 I think I

will do that when I'm when my kids are older for sure, but I don't do it now because it's just like so sometimes my kids want to eat at 3 30 p.m. 00:24:29.269 --> 00:24:33.349 and that like they want to eat their dinner then and I'm just gonna give it to them and I'm not, but I'm not eating then, right? 00:24:33.589 --> 00:24:36.309 So I don't I don't like force them into that box. 00:24:36.629 --> 00:24:44.950 But um my rule of my 10-year-old is if you forget to eat, which he frequently forgets to eat, dinner, because he's like playing or he's doing all these other autonomy stimulating things. 00:24:45.029 --> 00:24:46.950 So if you forget to eat, then I pick what you eat. 00:24:47.269 --> 00:24:49.669 If you want to cook at at 8 p.m. 00:24:50.389 --> 00:24:55.269 If you want to fight me on I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry at 8 p.m., I'm picking what you eat. 00:24:55.669 --> 00:25:03.429 And I'll be kind, I'm not gonna be mean, but like if it's reheated what we had for dinner, like that's that's the bowl, and there's there is no complaining. 00:25:03.509 --> 00:25:05.509 You're either hungry enough to eat this or you're not. 00:25:05.829 --> 00:25:06.389 That's it. 00:25:06.710 --> 00:25:08.869 And now I would not be like that at 6 p.m. 00:25:09.109 --> 00:25:14.869 If you was like, ah, I'm just really not in the mood for this today, I'd probably be more like, all right, well, then what can you make yourself? 00:25:15.029 --> 00:25:20.869 What can you know, how can we work together so that we can, you know, how you can you still be can you still try it? 00:25:20.950 --> 00:25:22.710 Can you still be kind about refusal? 00:25:22.789 --> 00:25:24.069 How do we refuse something kindly? 00:25:24.149 --> 00:25:36.230 Like we can do all that training, but at 8 p.m., look, you have made the decision that you autonomously decided that you didn't want to eat dinner at dinner, but now that like you you've you've kind of exhausted that. 00:25:36.389 --> 00:25:42.470 So now you get an apple and peanut butter and and you know leftover pasta and that's it. 00:25:42.629 --> 00:25:51.990 And and I don't want I I I will not listen to the protests of I will listen to the protests of I'm still hungry, I want more food, but I will not listen to the protest of I don't like it at that point. 00:25:52.230 --> 00:25:53.750 And that was a hard transition. 00:25:53.829 --> 00:25:58.869 It was about a week transition to getting to that point where he doesn't get to decide on his five course meal at 8 p.m. 00:25:59.349 --> 00:26:07.750 But like that was a hard and fast I I I just kept repeating, hey, I will give you food now, but I will not like we are not going to go through this thing. 00:26:07.909 --> 00:26:18.869 And then we you know at 6 p.m I reminded him, hey, just so you know I'm gonna pick what you eat at eight if you aren't eating now I'm gonna pick what you eat at eight and I line him up for that so that he's well aware. 00:26:19.349 --> 00:26:29.909 That said there is a case to be made that this is just not the hill to die on. 00:26:31.669 --> 00:26:33.589 And I think that that's a reasonable case. 00:26:33.909 --> 00:26:45.269 Especially if you have other comorbidities going on and you're already struggling with chores over here, you're already struggling with this or you're dealing with potty training or whatever that I'm just not going to make food a hill to die on. 00:26:45.829 --> 00:26:52.950 I'm just going to give in on this thing but I'm not gonna I'm gonna set myself up as best as possible. 00:26:53.029 --> 00:26:59.029 I'm gonna ask that question 30 minutes before bedtime the f you know the new bedtime routine is going to start with snack. 00:26:59.349 --> 00:27:02.710 Like right I'm just gonna build it in and the assumption that it's gonna happen. 00:27:03.669 --> 00:27:06.869 But I'm just not going to fight this battle. 00:27:07.509 --> 00:27:10.869 And I think that that is not an unreasonable perspective to take. 00:27:11.269 --> 00:27:18.230 It is not as though if you lose one power struggle battle against your kids, you've lost the day. 00:27:18.710 --> 00:27:18.950 Right? 00:27:19.029 --> 00:27:22.470 You g they've gained ground and now they're not gonna give ground on anything else. 00:27:23.109 --> 00:27:23.990 Quite the opposite. 00:27:24.230 --> 00:27:40.230 If you give them a place where they feel like they have that autonomy and whatever then and and agency then you just don't have to and and I think food is one of the places where in general I am much more willing to give ground and just surrender to a lot of that. 00:27:40.549 --> 00:27:55.429 And the reason for that is how how quickly does this become forcing a kid to eat because you're worried that they're not they're gonna be hungry later and then they're not listening to their body signals or forcing a kid to like have something that they don't want. 00:27:55.750 --> 00:28:03.109 Or like like all of a sudden like because food is this place where we already potentially and I I would think that this is especially true of girls. 00:28:03.589 --> 00:28:29.990 Food is already this place where you you have these potential things down the road for eating disorders etc this is probably not the place where I'm gonna plant my flag and go unquestioning component much less so than what we just talked about with Allison where it's like if my kid's being unsafe in the middle seat like I'm planting my flag that like that like that's an easy place for me to plant my flag and go I give no I give no ground here. 00:28:30.470 --> 00:28:35.829 But I would say with food you can do what I'm saying and I I'm not I'm not saying it wouldn't work. 00:28:35.990 --> 00:28:55.589 I'm saying if you are looking for the permission to say this is just not a place to to fight the battle and if I just give the rice puffs or whatever like this would have been over and he would have been asleep at eight okay like that that the you didn't ruin all of your

parenting because you made that choice. 00:28:55.750 --> 00:29:29.349 I I I think it's that old school that if I give in they win mindset which isn't very healthy but it it's still that like but then they'll learn that they just need to throw a tantrum and they'll get what they want and well the alternative to that mindset is yeah that is true if they throw a tantrum but if you just give in before they throw a tantrum if you just say this is not a hill that I'm dying on then they're not learning the lesson that if I throw a tantrum then I get my way. 00:29:29.509 --> 00:29:34.309 They're learning the lesson that this is a place in which I am being granted that autonomy. 00:29:34.470 --> 00:30:00.789 That's a fundamentally different thing right like it's a fundamentally different thing to say to say oh well if I if I throw a fit and if I melt down enough then I'll get my way versus just if I ask for this I know that I'm always allowed to like a great example of this is I I had a person who I used to hang out with um because we had kids similar age and she was like I'm trying to prepare my kids to be like you know responsible adults and I want them to you know be responsible for their own things. 00:30:00.950 --> 00:30:09.189 If they forget a coat then they're gonna be cold and I was like yeah I mean generally I I agree with that if it's like 60 degrees you know if they forget a sweatshirt they're just gonna be cold that's fine. 00:30:09.429 --> 00:30:12.789 You know or if they jump in a puddle their feet are just going to be wet for the next half hour. 00:30:12.869 --> 00:30:23.029 Yeah I mean like if it's if it's like you know reasonable temperature outside and their feet can just be wet and then they can't use their shoes later that day because they jumped in a puddle when you told them not to and just suffer the net the consequences of that. 00:30:23.109 --> 00:30:24.149 Yeah yeah I agree with that. 00:30:24.309 --> 00:30:29.509 Then she would just be like yeah and that's why if she doesn't bring a water bottle on a hike I'm just like she can't have mine. 00:30:29.750 --> 00:30:46.230 And I was like okay so we're that's a weird one for me because now we're like especially when the mom is like we're going on a two mile hike and it's 96 degrees and this literally was when it happened and I was like can I give her water out of my water bottle and she's like no she'll not learn and I was like okay but she also might like get dehydrated. 00:30:46.470 --> 00:30:51.349 So so like there's a there are certain things where I'm just like I'm never gonna deny my kids water. 00:30:51.589 --> 00:30:57.509 Yeah I'm gonna let I'm gonna let them suffer the consequences of many actions but forgetting their water is not one of them. 00:30:57.669 --> 00:31:00.950 Like I'm just gonna let my kids suffer the consequences of not wearing sunscreen. 00:31:01.029 --> 00:31:04.389 I'm not like I'm probably like I'm not gonna let them suffer with that pain. 00:31:04.470 --> 00:31:13.909 What I'm gonna say is hey you got to keep this shirt on or you got to you know we got to go back to the car that's the consequence is that we leave the beach if you can't put on sunscreen. 00:31:13.990 --> 00:31:16.309 The consequence is not I'm gonna let you get burned to a crisp. 00:31:16.549 --> 00:31:22.950 And so that's where I think we have to be willing to kind of do these things and and shift here. 00:31:23.109 --> 00:31:34.309 And does that make like like if you give an inch you're not giving a mile yeah but but at the same time you do like you you are balancing some things and and I think that that's okay. 00:31:34.629 --> 00:31:40.869 Does it um do you think it'd help for the mornings because we've got that deadline of needing to leave the house. 00:31:41.029 --> 00:31:52.950 Yeah we can't really just give him and give him more food when we're gonna be late um just having those options of like these are our to go foods the up and go with the muffin and you can have it in the car. 00:31:53.269 --> 00:32:07.429 Yeah I I used to say that I was thinking of putting like a countdown timer on to say this is your window for eating and just reminding him both great options the timer like your windows getting closed after that it's only these options. 00:32:07.669 --> 00:32:15.029 Both are good I didn't want to put pressure on him because I remember you said don't do that at bedtime because they're like Yeah they start panicking. 00:32:15.990 --> 00:32:20.309 No I yeah I think it's different when you're for before school is a different type of pressure. 00:32:20.389 --> 00:32:21.029 That's okay. 00:32:21.189 --> 00:32:23.109 Being on time for things is like a good skill. 00:32:23.269 --> 00:32:27.029 Forcing yourself to go to sleep at night a little different right biologically. 00:32:27.269 --> 00:32:30.470 But um but yeah I would say both of those are good options. 00:32:30.629 --> 00:32:31.829 That's totally acceptable. 00:32:32.069 --> 00:32:38.389 I did have a period in my life when I had two kids under two where I did not try and put their shoes on until we were in the car. 00:32:38.549 --> 00:32:45.750 I put their shoes in the car with them and I brought food for them I did not try I didn't try and make them eat breakfast and I didn't try and put their shoes on. 00:32:46.470 --> 00:33:01.109 I just didn't I was like these are two things that I know take me 15 to 20 minutes if I do them or I can just prep these things ahead of time and then I don't have to fight with them for 15 or 20 minutes and it was just again I chose the hill that I was going to die on. 00:33:01.429 --> 00:33:09.269 And I don't I just think we can hold our kids accountable and also not fight frivolous battles. 00:33:09.349 --> 00:33:12.149 I think that these two things are not mutually exclusive. 00:33:12.470 --> 00:33:30.789 Yeah well we have days where we're spoon feeding both our kids who are four and almost six it's ridiculous they can feed

themselves but we're like this is how you're gonna have some autonomy I have a few minutes okay you won't be 20 and making me spoon feed you. 00:33:31.109 --> 00:33:39.189 And they won't and they won't and they won't okay they won't there are certain circumstances where we can allow for certain things. 00:33:39.349 --> 00:33:50.069 We do not create little monsters the truth is the people who create the monsters are the ones who teach their kids to repress all these things and then things come out in unhealthy ways. 00:33:50.389 --> 00:33:50.869 Yeah. 00:33:51.189 --> 00:33:54.230 John I'm I'm um yeah you guys got it. 00:33:54.309 --> 00:33:55.109 Good luck tonight. 00:33:55.269 --> 00:34:14.309 John take it away hey thanks um so my five year old in the garden she comes home and we normally give her free time but one day a week she has dance and it's kind of chaos so I'm and I'm looking I think I have two options I'm kind of curious what your thoughts are. 00:34:14.550 --> 00:34:31.269 So she comes home and it's rush rush rush to get to dance like quickly get dressed quickly go to the bathroom quickly get a smack leave the house and we're still late yep if everything's perfect we're still late yeah um and it's never perfect. 00:34:31.429 --> 00:34:46.550 So like last time we were 15 minutes late for 45 minute class then when she's in the class yeah and then when she's in the class she's coming out of the class every like the two weeks ago it was bad. 00:34:46.630 --> 00:34:55.349 It was like every five ten minutes she was just coming out to see me and then last week it was maybe 10 or so minutes she was in. 00:34:56.630 --> 00:35:00.309 And so I asked her like why are you not enjoying it? 00:35:00.389 --> 00:35:04.150 Because she so there's that class and then there's one directly after another 45 minutes. 00:35:04.389 --> 00:35:04.710 Sure. 00:35:05.349 --> 00:35:09.030 So I asked her like are you just not enjoying it because we don't have to do this. 00:35:09.190 --> 00:35:12.150 Like we we start you up because we thought you enjoyed it. 00:35:12.309 --> 00:35:12.550 Yeah. 00:35:13.110 --> 00:35:15.110 And she's like no no I really do enjoy it. 00:35:15.190 --> 00:35:23.750 But then she still won't say right she kind of the most I could get out of her was I enjoy it but sometimes they do things I don't want to do. 00:35:23.990 --> 00:35:24.550 Yeah. 00:35:24.789 --> 00:35:25.349 Yeah. 00:35:25.670 --> 00:35:30.789 I feel like I have two choices either just to be like it's fine like it's up to you. 00:35:30.950 --> 00:35:32.950 This is your class and I don't care. 00:35:33.269 --> 00:35:51.110 Another thing that I got a bit annoyed with last time was for the second class she spent a good portion of it like 20 minutes watching a girl who wasn't in the class on her iPad and I was just like I could just buy you a tablet and save the money and you could just have tablet time if that's really what you want. 00:35:51.590 --> 00:36:17.110 Um so like I I

feel like I can either take out the class and just be like no or just be like this is your class you can do whatever you want or like hold the boundary and be like okay if you leave we're just going home yeah I think I think the the the least desirable in my view of those three options is she stays in the class and does whatever she wants. 00:36:17.590 --> 00:36:30.070 I think that it is both acceptable and understandable for her to not like what's going on and then also still have to do it if she's going to be in the class. 00:36:30.710 --> 00:36:31.030 Okay. 00:36:31.510 --> 00:36:33.349 Like I think I I think that that's okay. 00:36:33.590 --> 00:36:40.150 And then you can have a fr you can have a conversation of hey part of being in this class is doing things we don't want to do sometimes. 00:36:40.470 --> 00:36:43.990 Like part of you get to the fun through these ways. 00:36:44.230 --> 00:36:44.470 Right? 00:36:44.550 --> 00:36:47.429 Like this is this is about hard one wins. 00:36:47.909 --> 00:36:58.389 Um and then I would look at but but but at the same time the class is not at a time that is really setting her up for success either. 00:36:58.630 --> 00:37:03.349 Yeah I know that and and that's and that's like that's like part of this too. 00:37:03.510 --> 00:37:12.789 Yeah part of the part of this whole conversation is not class good class bad the the part of the conversation is class at this time hard. 00:37:13.349 --> 00:37:21.909 Yeah it's also hard because other people in class have done dance for longer so she's behind and so she has to work harder at a hard time. 00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:24.550 Yeah and and and we can talk about that. 00:37:24.710 --> 00:37:30.070 We can talk about how it's not fair that other people it's easier for other people than it is for you. 00:37:30.550 --> 00:37:35.190 So so so like I think all of these things can can at the same time be true. 00:37:35.590 --> 00:37:39.510 And I think that what I would look at here here's here's how I would approach it. 00:37:39.670 --> 00:37:51.110 I would say I'm I'm leaving the option on the table right the the the option that I'm removing from the table is you do whatever you want when we show up and you're out and in and we're 20 minutes late and you're watching somebody on their tablet. 00:37:51.510 --> 00:37:56.789 I I'm removing that option just to make it easier for me to make the decision right with her. 00:37:57.350 --> 00:38:13.190 Then the next thing I'm having the conversation about is it doesn't seem sustainable to show up 15 minutes late to and we're rushing and rushing and rushing and then she's walking into the class and she's already dysregulated before the thing even starts. 00:38:13.590 --> 00:38:18.870 So is it possible to create a better transition from those two things? 00:38:19.110 --> 00:38:27.590 Maybe it's on those days I don't know how she gets to and from school but maybe it's on those days we go somehow we go straight from school yeah we're talking about that. 00:38:27.750 --> 00:38:27.830 Right. 00:38:28.150 --> 00:38:29.350 Yeah my wife and I talk about that. 00:38:29.590 --> 00:38:43.590 So so so if that's so if that's a uh a possibility um then what I would do is is I would say okay well then let's try that and see how that changes the whole dynamic. 00:38:43.910 --> 00:38:52.630 And it might be we go pick her up and I like having it saying it's it's you have just enough time to do nothing between these events. 00:38:53.030 --> 00:38:53.190 Right? 00:38:53.430 --> 00:38:57.990 Yeah so so create it so that there's just enough time to do something. 00:38:58.230 --> 00:39:06.789 So what I would look at is I would go okay so she's got to eat she's got to get her dance clothes on she's got to get somehow get home from school she's got to get to dance, right? 00:39:06.950 --> 00:39:07.830 There are these four things. 00:39:08.150 --> 00:39:14.150 Well if I pick her up with a snack and her dance stuff in the car, how much time does that leave me at the park? 00:39:15.190 --> 00:39:22.230 And if the answer is that leaves me 15 minutes at the park in between these two times. 00:39:22.710 --> 00:39:28.230 Because now she can eat in the car on the way or she can eat at the park or whatever, but it leaves me 15 minutes. 00:39:28.390 --> 00:39:45.110 Now instead of being 15 minutes late and rushed, you're 15 minutes late you're you're on time, which makes her already feel more confident because she's getting in there at the other same time as the other kids and she is well fed and she you know has some sort of autonomy before getting there. 00:39:45.269 --> 00:39:52.390 And then maybe the choice becomes very clear because she goes, no, I'm actually really valuing being at the park right now and I don't want to go to dance. 00:39:52.710 --> 00:39:57.430 And so the answer there is actually we're just we're gonna take a season off of dance. 00:39:57.830 --> 00:40:12.150 And maybe it's gonna be harder to go when you go back right but you're gonna take a season off because you clearly and and and making that decision is not saying I think sometimes we get into this mindset we go, we're gonna quit dance and that means quitting forever. 00:40:12.710 --> 00:40:19.990 Instead of saying no we're taking a season off of dance because it's not conducive for the way that everything's lining up right now. 00:40:20.070 --> 00:40:26.070 And and and you're not enjoying it and and it's making it hard for me and like yeah it's it's there's a money thing. 00:40:26.230 --> 00:40:36.950 Kids can actually be involved in that conversation of like hey this this costs a lot and I want I'm gonna I'm totally willing to pay for it if you are if you're getting the most out of it. 00:40:37.110 --> 00:40:41.350 But if you're not getting the most out of it then like let's let's put that money somewhere else. 00:40:41.670 --> 00:40:44.309 Let's let's do let's do other fun things with that. 00:40:44.710 --> 00:41:01.350 Um and

I think that those I think that that clear delineation and that clear boundary of hey if we're at dance we gotta participate in the class for the whole time and if that is not what you want out of dance then you don't then then you don't want to be in dance right now. 00:41:01.510 --> 00:41:02.470 And that's okay. 00:41:02.950 --> 00:41:05.750 So how would you enforce that? 00:41:06.230 --> 00:41:51.350 Like would you say if she keeps coming out we'd say like we go home or would you just keep taking it I would I would I would basically how old remind me five five so I would probably have a conversation at five of saying hey not on the day of dance next day hey yesterday you came out of dance three times four times whatever it was if we come out of dance next week that many times we're just gonna stop doing dance for a couple months and that's that's not against you it's not because I'm mad is nothing right and it doesn't have to be next time it can be hey we're gonna spend we're doing one more month of dance but then we're gonna take a we're gonna take a break. 00:41:51.670 --> 00:42:03.750 You don't have to enforce it so rigidly right but but but you create the create the the boundary and then sit with confidence in that boundary. 00:42:04.309 --> 00:42:06.789 So whatever the boundary is you have to be willing to enforce that. 00:42:07.110 --> 00:42:10.630 So if you're not willing to pull her out of dance don't don't say this. 00:42:10.710 --> 00:42:21.510 But if you're really like actually I don't know and and then then you can especially in these conversations you can start to peel back layers of the onion where she goes well actually I don't actually like dance I just like being a part of the the group. 00:42:21.670 --> 00:42:31.990 Okay well let's try something else then I'll be able to or or I I I I do really like dance but I come out of the class when I feel overwhelmed by not being able to do it. 00:42:32.390 --> 00:42:33.990 Okay so we need to practice at home. 00:42:34.230 --> 00:42:39.510 Like the there are other interventions here once you start peeling back the layers which is really hard with a five year old. 00:42:39.750 --> 00:42:51.910 Like it's much easier with an eight year old nine year old to get to those layers but it's harder to get to those layers with a five year old but you may be able to get to those layers where the truth is like and even if she likes it it's okay to take a break too. 00:42:52.390 --> 00:42:53.670 That's that's the other thing. 00:42:54.070 --> 00:43:02.309 Right now we are on a break from taekwondo I think we'll probably go back but we're on a break from taekwondo because it was pretty expensive number one. 00:43:02.470 --> 00:43:39.990 And number two, um we're we're traveling a lot more during the week which is when it is so like it's we're gonna miss a lot of them and number three my oldest who was doing it with my second oldest my my two older kids are doing it my oldest was in soccer which was conflicting and we were like we're not gonna become overscheduled parents we're just gonna do one thing at a time and my six year old wanted to be in like a lot of parents will look at me and go you're a bad parent because like your six year old never asked to be taken out he actually participates fully every time your nine year my nine year old now 10 year old was like complaining about it every week and so like that was another aspect of it. 00:43:40.150 --> 00:43:43.350 But like he has complained about every my six year old never complained. 00:43:43.590 --> 00:44:21.110 My six year old was growing he was learning important skills everything was good he enjoyed his his his teacher the teacher was great but it was expensive it was inconvenient for our family and it meant that he had to sacrifice that for a period of time he's not doing it even though he probably would benefit from it and he wants to do it that's okay like actually that that is not uh somehow like to my shame as a parent that's okay that's okay that he's and and and and and like I sometimes I just I feel like we as parents need to care that it's okay. 00:44:21.269 --> 00:44:35.590 And it's okay thanks again for listening to this episode of the Whole Parent podcast. 00:44:35.750 --> 00:44:38.230 I hope it was worth the time that you gave it today. 00:44:38.390 --> 00:44:42.470 I hope you learned something or were challenged or maybe it just made you smile. 00:44:42.710 --> 00:44:47.430 If it did there's a couple of things that you can do that would really really help me out. 00:44:47.590 --> 00:44:53.030 The first one is to go right now and subscribe to my channel at Whole Parent on YouTube. 00:44:53.510 --> 00:45:07.510 YouTube is getting full unabridged versions of every podcast episode ad-free right now I am really trying to get people over there because I have so much awesome YouTube content planned and I have such a small following over there. 00:45:07.670 --> 00:45:11.030 So if you want to get the best of Whole Parent hop over to YouTube. 00:45:11.350 --> 00:45:23.269 There's awesome stuff there it's going to absolutely change your life the second thing that you can do is actually go to the link in the description you can find YouTube there as well but find the link for the parent lab. 00:45:23.430 --> 00:45:26.230 It's my exclusive community where I do group coaching. 00:45:26.390 --> 00:45:37.510 I have a whole course library there full of amazing educational resources for parents it is a subscription model where you gain access for a low monthly fee. 00:45:37.750 --> 00:45:39.430 Go ahead check out the parent lab. 00:45:39.510 --> 00:45:44.950 There's so many amazing things in the parent lab and if you want to grow in your parenting it's the best way to do that. 00:45:45.190 --> 00:45:54.710 The third thing that you can do and it probably costs you the most because it costs you vulnerability is to share this episode or this podcast in general with people in your life. 00:45:54.870 --> 00:46:09.510 There are parents in your life who are struggling there are parents in your life who could use this in their life and we know that the number one way that we can get more people to listen and watch and follow along with the podcast is by personal referral. 00:46:09.670 --> 00:46:11.510 People want to know what you're listening to. 00:46:11.590 --> 00:46:22.470 They want to know what's helping you to parent more effectively and so if you can do that find somebody in your life who needs this podcast and send it to them I would be so so so appreciative. 00:46:22.710 --> 00:46:33.990 Thank you again so much for your time you can find links to everything that we talked about in the episode including my books, Punishment Free Parenting and set my feelings free down below and I'll see you next time