#372: This episode is about what to do if you're on the receiving end of hate online: why people do it and how you can move past it. I share stories of being the target of online hate, as well as strategies for how to keep your head in the right place. Podcast show notes available here: https://www.smartpassiveincome.com/session372

United States


00:00:01stop talking
00:00:03because nobody cares
00:00:06you are a complete idiot from head to toe
00:00:10go do something that actually matters
00:00:14why were you born
00:00:16I hate you
00:00:22these are some powerful words that I've read online
00:00:27about myself
00:00:29no nobody has ever said any of these things to me in person but it doesn't really matter because when I read these things online it hurts and I don't know if you've ever been targeted for hate online whether it's a comment on a YouTube video or your blog or a reply on social media or something that you read in a forum somewhere doesn't matter never and never feels good no matter how much people tell you that those are things you should just ignore and I've been the target of a lot of hate online ever since I started back in 2008 and there were moments when I just gave up and I'll tell you about some of those moments but I also want to share with you some of the things I've learned that helped me persevere and if you've heard the show before and have followed my journey and I've heard meet each other's you know that perseverance resilience grit consistency Focus these are all things that you need in order to succeed but it just takes one comment to derail
00:01:29we as entrepreneurs have this funny math where one negative comment outweighs 100 positive comments but I don't even think it's just math specifically for entrepreneurs I think it's just for us human beings and it was only when I learned when I'm about to teach you today that things finally started to make sense things finally started to get easier and I was able to finally find my flow in my groove which led to success and that can only happen once you stop letting these hateful comments hurt you and it's only when you learn where they come from that you can do
00:02:06today's episode you learn about the three different reasons why people hate on you online to make sure you stick around
00:02:16passive income podcast where it's all about working hard so you can sit back and reap the benefits later
00:02:27know your host he's excited to learn from the next mistakes you'll be making Pat's Landing
00:02:36what's up everybody Welcome to session 372 of the smart passive income podcast my name is have plenty here to help you make more money saved more time and help more people to until they were talking about haters and the hateful comments that they hate on you with and I have like I said received my fair share of hateful comments and I know you are going to receive them to it's just something that you cannot avoid and through this episode You're Gonna Hear why it happens and essentially why you can't avoid it but how to deal with it how to bust through the negative emotions that you're going to feel as soon as you start hearing some of these things so whether you are already hearing negative comments out there and hateful comments coming toward your way or you're just getting started and you want to better prepare yourself while you're in the right place and I'm going to tell you a number of stories and things that will help you understand where this is coming from because like I said it's only when I started to understand where it was coming from that I was able to actually empathize and and reflect and better understand that well it's actually not about me
00:03:36it was about the other person so before I get to that I want to just jump right into probably the most gosh just traumatic Story related to hateful comments that were happening online I may have told before in person or if you've heard me onstage before but I want to tell it to you now and it's just it's going to make you upset I promise you so so here's a story 2012 I received a comment on my blog and I checked my comments every day I reply to most comments every day at this point in time and I still try to but it's been more difficult since the business has grown but back then I was paying attention to every, and every word people were saying and doing what I could assert my audience on my blog I received this comment and it was about 500 to 800 words in like it was all it was a lot of words more than normal and I read this and I was in shock and it was a person who was read my blog and essentially calling me out telling me that everything I was sharing was false this was on an income report that my numbers were incorrect that I was
00:04:36a con artist that I was just feeding off of people's dreams and hopes and that I wasn't qualified to talk about on my business they were also giving a lot of examples of people who were qualified to talk and why they were different from me and even going so far as to mentioning that in my videos the fact that I was wearing worn-out t-shirts
00:04:57meant that I was a fake because a person who was allegedly making as much money as I was and sharing for those of you who don't know I was sharing how much money I was making every single month to show people how my businesses were running how they were growing and how they were not growing and sharing all the things I was doing to sort of diversify my portfolio anyway they said stuff about how I looked in that will you don't look like a person who's making that much money you don't live in a home that is sort of like these other people who are making as much money so I don't believe you and I soon deleted the comment cuz it was just very hateful and they were saying some other things that I can't even share here cuz it's just it would bring you to tears so I'm not going to even get into that but I deleted the comment I found it quickly and I deleted it hate my blog is my home and I don't need that my home okay I like I invite you in and you come here and you tread all this crap all over my carpet while now I got to clean it up so. That was. I thought I was done and that's usually what
00:05:57what I was you know I had gotten hateful comments before and in some cases it was easy to understand that a person was just misunderstood so then in that case I took the garyvee approach and sort of just tried to engage in conversation with people who were obviously misunderstood at many times those people were able to convert into people who then follow my stuff inside of become big fans and many have actually become great friends and it was just because people were misunderstood in this person was misunderstood too but they cross the line so when you cross the line in my home you're out okay so they were out well I thought I was done with that well couple hours later I started to receive a number of emails probably a couple dozen from friends online who are saying things like hey Pat this this guy left this like really hateful comment on my blog blog that I mentioned you in or the podcast episode that you were mentioned in and like where is this coming from like I do you know anything about this and I said oh my
00:06:57word this guy had copied and pasted that same message on to 30 or 40 different websites out there on the comment streams of places where I was featured or mentioned and it was out there and people were starting to comment and people were starting to ask questions and I was starting to feel the anxiety and I was starting to tremble and I was starting to get sweaty Palms just like I wanted to go and hide and I wanted to escape and I literally started to cry
00:07:28like I know some people say like you shouldn't cry but I like when people are saying these bad things about you and then there's nothing you can do to control how much it's spreading out there you start to cry right and what are you actually cry or not it's not a good feeling so this was happening and luckily all of my friends immediately took that down and then this person follow up on my blog again with some other additional comments and then I started to engage with this person and just ask simple questions like why are you doing this how come you're spending so much time doing it this way and and then eventually more comments and Ice I just I just closed up in the Shell I turn off the comments section on my blog and I hit and buy hid I mean I didn't produce any new content for 2 and 1/2 weeks I didn't go in my website I didn't go on to social media and it was a it was one of the darkest times in the history of my online business career because I just wanted to escape and I had imagined
00:08:28after the first couple days just kind of laying off of the online world just imagining that this is all what people were talking about and of course that wasn't actually true but our brain tends to do those things to us when we sort of just are in situations like that we think the worst thing possible and so it took a couple weeks but I eventually got back online and I started to get very scared about posting anything because I didn't want hateful comments what if you know it but part of my brain was like what is the sky so bright with there's truth to what this person is saying but when I really irrationally thought about it you know there's the emotional thinking and then there's a rational thinking right when I when I thought about it rationally I knew that wasn't true I knew I wasn't lying about my numbers I knew I was actually being helpful for people I knew I wasn't scamming people and so I knew his allegations were fought yet it still hurt and so I was very confused I didn't know what to do and I reached out to my good friend Derek Halpern who runs a Blog at Social triggers. Calm and he said the words that she
00:09:28is everything for me he said that she said hey Pat every second you waste thinking about this guy is a second you're taking away from the hundreds to thousands tens of thousands of people who actually care about you who need you want you to continue to create content why are you letting this one scumbag control your entire life right now and it was at that moment that I realized that he was right I was actually taking so much time away from people who cared about me that I let this person essentially win that's that's probably what he was trying to get me to do and I let him win because I was just in that reactive mode and very very high emotional state of just asked a great. That certify you know how there's like a that you have different responses when things like that happen to you whether it's like in person or if you're in the Wild n uur met with a predator or online in your net worth
00:10:28Predator there's the freeze approach which is the kind of essentially what I did There's I did I did for a while there is the fight approach which isn't in my nature and then there is the flight approach which which is where I was going out I was ready to give up on my business I was ready to put put up the towel and you know put up put up the whatever you put up in that situation just just just go back to architectural that's literally what I was thinking but thankfully Derek brought some light back into it and I started having conversations with people my Mastermind group and they all socially said the same thing and most importantly there like you know what the hell we're here for you like you do you take as much time as you need but you know I hate you need a sounding board if you need to get something off your chest we're here for you and that was a big key as well because in this online space you can't do this alone especially when there are people out there predators and haters and trolls out they're going to try and put you down as I once heard from a good friend of mine an atom
00:11:28Baker who wants blogged Batman vs dead. Com but now works with Steve cam over at nerd fitness.com he taught me that the world is sort of like a bucket of crabs and this takes us to our first sort of lesson here when it comes to why we receive hate we received hate because we live in a bucket of crabs what does that mean well that means essentially do you imagine that were all a bucket of crabs if you actually have a bucket of crabs like live crabs and one crab starts to climb out of the bucket no matter what you do one of the crabs that is already there is going to pull that crap back down and then another one's going to come up or that same ones going to try and get over the edge of that bucket and then another crabs going to come and pull that crap down and thus we are never going to get anywhere because of the crabs that are there were like know why are you why you leaving the space this is a this is where we're supposed to be and so we live in
00:12:28world that is a bucket of crabs that when we try to do big great world changing things different things when we try to take a stand we are going to at the same time challenge people and we received hate because those people are challenged and that's a defense mechanism in a way because when their beliefs when their life when their business is challenged they're going to go into defense mode in defense mode for Sama is getting very aggressive and lashing out and saying that mean and hateful things so that that crab or you doesn't get out of the bucket so that's the first reason why people are so hateful because they are challenged I mean think about just how livid people get when people start talking about politics or other big important things that are happening especially on places like Facebook where it's so easy to just say things and went one person's
00:13:28these are challenged another person may step in mb try to be more aggressive than that it gets more aggressive or eventually a person starts to sort of you know Retreat or fries and just you know nothing great can happen at that point you know one of my big pet peeves is when people on social media especially try to you know I think it's healthy to share your opinion in your point on something but when you try to purposefully because you're being challenged change somebody else's view like to literally change who that person is and what they believe in and and do it so forcefully it's like that's not how it works right until I get I get very upset when I see conversations that are happening in certain places where it's obvious that a person is getting aggressive and being challenged and this is exactly why this person was doing what they were doing because I was challenging how they had a bad once experienced building all my business it was hard for that they weren't successful they were doing things that weren't working when I did more research and I'll tell you more about
00:14:28story Inn in a little bit closer to it but that was a major reason why I was receiving on the receiving end of this and partly it was because I was just being open about a lot of things I was challenging people's perceptions of you know how things should be done this person didn't believe that once should share their numbers in such a way they're being challenged to believe that you know business can be done in a legit manner that serves people first vs yuno focusing on products and you know other services and things like that but here's the truth the truth is you have to be different you have to take a stand you have to take bold actions make bold decisions and like I said take a stand for something and when you take a stand for something when you are a certain way and when you are actually taking action those crabs those those crabs they're going to try and defend they're going to try and pull you back but going to defend themselves because you are different but you can't be successful if you're the same so they
00:15:28for you will be on the receiving end of hate if you are different enough to succeed you see what I mean you have to be different to succeed or else you're just going to blend in with in the crowd but if you want to be different you also have to know that you can expect people on the other side who are being challenged to step up and and try to defend themselves to so again this isn't about you it's about them
00:15:53so that's number one because people are being challenged that's where a lot of hate comes from number to so to set this up I want to tell you about a study that I recently saw on TV with two groups of people who are each going to listen to a song and critique the artist the first group was told that their comments would be shared with a singer and their name would be connected to it so both groups listen to this to the song
00:16:20and they each got to rate the song and a singer's skill from 1 to 10 one being lowest 10 being the best so the first group the group that is not anonymous had given her fight like the song wasn't that good and it was kind of Off Pitch but it actually wasn't that good but obviously this was done on purpose for the purpose of a study so the first group who were told that their comments were going to be shared with this artist and we're not Anonymous gave the scores around 5 to 6 and they were saying kind of nice things like you know who she is and she is a good start I think with a little bit of training like her voice to be really great for her songs you know she's almost there and it's not bad things are pretty good you know so kind of middle ground and the group that was Anonymous that were able to safely hide behind that Anonymous Miss had given her ones and twos and saying things like her voice sucks she's a terrible singer she
00:17:20never going to make it and those kinds of things now the second part of a study was that second group actually the person who is managing this focus group had come in and said you know by the way she surprised we had to have the artist in in the house today so we're going to bring her in and we want you to share the same feedback that you shared with us with her and so they brought her in in the end and none of them could say the same things to her face even though they had said her songs suck she's terrible she would never make it they couldn't say that to her face and so this takes as to why people are so hateful online it's because of anonymity not anonymity so the idea that nobody's going to know who you are anyway and this is why I'm places like YouTube especially on YouTube where your screen name isn't even your name necessarily could be just some made-up Avatar you see the most hateful comments ever but even on places where you can connect with people and find out
00:18:20little bit more about who that person actually is like on Instagram and on Facebook you still see all that hate that that that driving force of just trolling toward people because it's online and it doesn't feel as real and when the study was over the host of the show went to group 2 and asked will why were your comments so harsh why were you saying such mean things and every person had said well because we didn't think that we would have to say it to their face because we could just easily say things without worrying about repercussions of that so you have to realize that when people are hateful and in being trolls online that they're doing it knowing that there is safety there for them and they're doing it because I mean I'll tell you the third reason in just a minute which is the biggest reason but they're doing it because I know there's not going to be very many consequences if they were to take that same comment and tell it to you to your face most of them probably probably would
00:19:20never even think about doing that they might think it's and and want to say things but never do it because you know there's Common Sense There are rules of being a good human but online those rules don't really exist in most cases which is why it's important to find your people and to have your Vibe attracts your tribe and then build that raving fan base who can a support you and say great things about you and in love you but secondly defend you from trolls like this because what I love about building superfans is the fact that sometimes I see hateful comments and even before I reply to them or delete them I've already have 20/30 comments from from you guys from the superfans from Tim Flynn defending me because we're all in this together or team right and I and I love that so just thank you for the support over the years and I started seeing at around 2010 2011 would my podcast actually start to come out whenever I start to receive hateful comments because I was taking bigger actions because I was sharing more
00:20:20then others because I was a little bit different team Flint always stood up for me and I can't thank you enough for that we're going back to the point here Point number two because it's Anonymous in most cases people are going to say things that they would never say to your face I mean I got a I got a iTunes review the other day that was like with me I'm pulling up here ratings and reviews and it was a one-star review it said this used to be a good show now it's just a show Fest for Pat's buddies sad and I saw that I was like actually went back to my Details page and look at my archived and went like
00:20:58like some of these people aren't like quote my friends want to hang out with all the time they were very successful entrepreneurs who have shared things and some of these episodes are some of the most popular that I've ever published so I'm like okay I'm sorry dude but yeah The Show Must Go On and around this one star comment which is posted on April 3rd there are hundreds and thousands of positive comments I mean I look at the the number of positive comments there's 2488 there's barely 51 * comments and there's there's so so so many more V Star comments yet I look at that and I and I and it makes me think it makes me check myself and like I said we knew where is and creators we have what we have a weird week we have an absolutely weird math so anonymity
00:21:58Manatee CNN amenity anyway about being sad receiving hate and actually we shouldn't have to receive it it's it's something that shouldn't exist but it. Send this is why I prepare you for such things and I want to also share with you this information because I want you to know that you're not alone and part of my job here at SPI is to sort of this analogy once in somebody really liked it so much to share with you again it's like we're traversing this unknown path together right where it were the forest and if they're there are no Trails where Trail Blazers right and I am in the front and I have the hardest job because I'm I'm receiving all the stuff that's there that you haven't seen it before so I guess I have my machete and I'm so you know that the weeds in the nasties and in all the things that are out there the baddies and try to make it a little bit easier for you behind me so you know I'm I'm I'm leader here and I and I want to I want to leave the way and I want to be by exam
00:22:58what am I willing to take a lot of hits for you and that's why we're here that's why we're talking about this and if any of you lead others to if you are building a following of any kind it's it's your job to help your followers realize what's ahead right and then in this is why we're here so let's go let's move on to the third and final Point here and this is the fact that these comments aren't about you the trolls the haters it usually comes as a result of something that happened in that person's life that it just happened to cross your path and your openness your your vulnerability your willingness to have comments
00:23:41nothing have in common is bad. Comets are good having and receiving their conversation in and around the stuff you're talking as good even if it's even if it's even if it's constructive criticism even if it's not all in agreement all the time that's okay that's healthy that's actually required that's how you know I had to steer the ship in the right direction is by openly receiving constructive criticism and knowing when you've done things wrong so you can re assassin understand how to pit it and go back in the right direction it's when you get the extremely hateful comments the over-the-top very disrespectful troll like comments that's that's when it starts to eat at you and I could really hurt to get absolutely hurt you derail you that's what I not I don't want that to happen to you but it's not because of you that you're receiving this it's because of the things that are happening in that person's life they are sad something in their life had happened once to
00:24:41give them the notion that putting this on you is okay it always comes from a place of hurt and it was Shannon dervin who said hurt people hurt people dr. Shannon or neuropsychologist who's been on the show here before her podcast epic success is amazing and she taught me this she said hurt people hurt people these people who are trying to hurt you guess what they are hurt themselves and it may or may not be their fault and you will never know and that's the thing I had an interesting moment happened with my son a few months back and much of my following had seen and heard about this on my Instagram app halfling on Instagram because I share this as as soon as it happened because it was a big lesson in something that was pretty dramatic so
00:25:31my son got a computer for Christmas and he's been doing some YouTube We I let him borrow my Sony rx10 Mark 5 camera which is a pretty good camera especially for vlogging but it's it's simple you don't need to worry about lighting so much anyway I don't have to get into gear will save will save that for the Gearheads later in another episode but anyway he has been doing a lot of YouTube and actually after just a couple runs of showing him how it's done had to take a video with a camera and put it into his computer and edit using iMovie in an export it in in and then put it into YouTube how to title it how to add a description how to link two things had at Agate after doing that a couple times with him looking over my shoulder he was able to do it himself and he had been on a good run during Christmas break creating a video every single day for about seven days and his channel is growing and it it's it's gone very well so far and he said slowed down since school started but he'll probably pick it back up again in the
00:26:31also creating a little that's going to be a nice for him and his project so it's just done in the garage without in the house not outside where people can sort of see house numbers and stuff it's just in the garage that's all getting set up it's really fun and exciting it's cool to see him as a nine-year-old create it's it's really amazing actually but part of creation is like we talked about and especially posting on places like YouTube it's it's being open and in understanding that there are hateful people and her people out there that may try to hurt you so my wife and I ain't knowing that he was going to go into YouTube Sam down and we actually taught him that there are people out there who because of the anonymity online and because I didn't use that word because I obviously don't know how to say it but because of the way you tube is people are going to try and tear you down there going to leave hateful comments
00:27:31it's not because of you County it's because they are hurt hurt people hurt people if people say bad things to you it's likely because something bad is happening in their life and we have to empathize with those people and realize that it's not us it's not because we're creating bad things because bad things happen to those people and we just happen to be on the receiving end of that and we taught him that we talked we mentioned that a bunch of times and because we knew it was coming and it did so after doing YouTube for a good month or so he only comes downstairs while he was editing another video and he does he daddy how do you delete a comment for my YouTube channel and were like oh okay why do you want to delete the comment and he said well somebody left a really bad comment and I want to delete it which is what we taught him doing like people leave bad comments and you don't want them on your channel like delete that right but he didn't know how to delete them I had yet taught him that he had yet to receive anything until now so I want to stay
00:28:30where is to check his computer and check the video and it's it was actually his most popular video is a video where he and I built a little carnival game out of cardboard box going to close in it and you can throw wiffle balls in it to get points and stuff and it's really cool and I think it best at this point I had like eight to nine thousand views and I scroll down and I say can you show me the, that you're talking about and I scroll down and the comments that I found said to my son kill yourself
00:29:00kill yourself
00:29:03to a little kid
00:29:05and so my wife and I are there and I'm just like I want to figure out who this person is and I want to just give him a Flynn whooping right but that violence is not the anyway plus they're not amiss which is part of the problem so I turn the county and I go how does this come it make you feel
00:29:27and County blew me away he goes and I just feel bad for this person because something bad probably happened in their life to say that
00:29:37it was a very proud moment for me in April to be there in and witness him say that that's a very adult thing to say in some adults don't even handle things like that as well as he did and the reason why is because we taught him that we prepared him for that I'm preparing you for this if you have kids you need to prepare them for this as well it was so great to see that put into practice real life right there like that and there was nothing that was like I hate this person how could they there was nothing of you know even an ounce of thinking about what this person was saying to do or that his content was bad none of that came up none of that was a parent because he knew that wasn't real
00:30:26he also pointed out the fact that there were 30 other comments of people saying great video so it's obvious that something is going on in this person's life to say something like that especially to a little kid now I was still upset but that very proud mom moment and what my son said was you know kind of wiped all that away so then of course I showed him how did how to delete that comment and that was that and then he was able to move on and completely finished editing his other video and uploading it I mean that would that that comment would have derailed me immediately I would have packed up and then close up shop and went back to architecture and just a very proud moment so hurt people hurt people
00:31:14and if my son can take comments that are very hurtful and understand that it's because people are hurt but they're saying those things then guess what you can to a very proud and so if you if you end up going to Blink on and you see my son there like give him give him a pat on the back and and and tell him you're proud of him because I'm proud of them to you and we want we want to continue to reinforce that and hopefully if you have kids too you can make them feel good about the decisions they make about how other people might behave around them because that stuff that we can't control we can only control how we react to the things that happen to us that's the truth right thing that they are there are obviously things we can control but then the things that we can't control the only thing we can control about those things are our reactions and how we decide to think about that what's rewrite the story in our head and in this case it's it's true hurt people hurt people
00:32:12so I hope this episode helps you if you needed this if this is something that was beneficial to you if this has prepared you for the future I want to let I want I want to hear from you I want to know what your thoughts are and let me know what you think on Twitter or Instagram hit me up at Pat Flynn let me know that you heard episode 372 tell me your thoughts about it share the episode with people who you see in the future or right now who may need to hear this because that hates out there guys but let's not make this stop us cuz we got so many more people that we need to help and serve that as we get bigger as we grow as we take bigger Bolder actions as we take a stance on something and try to be different and try to become successful those people going to come out and going to try and stop us those crab pincers are going to try and bring us back down and then we're not going to let that happen because you know what there's a whole bunch of people outside of that bucket that are going to help pull you back up as long as you don't pinch me on the way anyway
00:33:12thank you guys I love you so much and I'm here for you we're in this together teeth when you're amazing you haven't done so already make sure you hit subscribe And subscribe to the show you could also go to smart passive income.com subscribe and you'll get a number of options for how you can subscribe if you know depending on what your favorite platform is or what device are honorable just be easier to do it that way smart passive income.com subscribe say hello to me on Instagram or Twitter at Pat Flynn make sure you subscribe to show if you haven't already and teams win just one more time I'm here for you and your people need you to so let's keep going teams playing for the Wind by the way no I mean I didn't really mention any links but if there's if you want to check out the show notes in Easley smart passive income.com session 37208 and I forgot to give you closure on that story so this person that had
00:34:12he stopped all my friends and left that nasty comment I actually had the courage later on to reach back out to this person and just to ask why to get clarification cuz I still didn't quite understand why they would do such a thing and after a little back and forth and I really wanted to get on Skype with this person because I wanted to hear from his mouth what he was saying and he refused to get on Skype with me which is really interesting but anyway eventually I got a response from him and this is what it was he Pat sorry I targeted you like this you were an easy target because you were everywhere online and as a result of that I thought it would be an easy way for me to get traffic back to my site and build awareness for my brand
00:35:04so the fourth reason that a person might hate on you is because they want to get traffic which is I can't I can't even lie just what I can't
00:35:19tiefling you're amazing thank you for being one of the good ones out there and I'll see you in the next episode team playing for the win
00:35:37thanks for listening to the smart passive income podcast had www.smartben.com

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