Full Transcript for Freeing Yourself from Self-Shame and Judgement--with Anna Thellmann

--> 00:05:23.242 You don't need to know that. 00:05:23.242 --> 00:05:24.646 It's in your head. 00:05:24.646 --> 00:05:28.007 Whatever you think becomes your result. 00:05:28.007 --> 00:05:41.110 So when you think that I control myself, I can't have sex with my partner because I don't look a certain way, I don't behave or move a certain way, etc. 00:05:41.110 --> 00:05:50.326 It's in your head and I can help you to get past that so that you can have this built sexual, intimate life. 00:05:50.326 --> 00:05:53.466 And that's how I became the sexual intimacy. 00:05:54.259 --> 00:06:08.608 That's wonderful and that seems so important and, like you said, so many people don't talk about it or feel that they shouldn't talk about it or that it's something that you can't get help with. 00:06:08.608 --> 00:06:20.220 And tell me, when you have a client that comes to you, how do you encourage them to open up and to be honest with you, because I'm sure a lot of people have difficulties with that? 00:06:20.220 --> 00:06:29.872 The thing is, when they come to me, they know I'm a sexual intimacy coach, so they know that they come because they want to have sex and don't have it. 00:06:29.872 --> 00:06:34.428 Currently, the main goal is I want to have sex, but I don't have it. 00:06:34.428 --> 00:06:35.752 How can you help? 00:06:35.752 --> 00:06:39.230 So they are inclined to talk about it. 00:06:39.230 --> 00:06:46.112 So there isn't much reinforcement needed or any persuasion to say, okay, let's talk about it. 00:06:46.112 --> 00:06:57.271 But what there is, on the other hand, is that some people don't like to use particular words penis, vagina, sex, doggy style, stuff like that. 00:06:57.500 --> 00:07:00.588 So we just use the language that they feel comfortable with. 00:07:00.588 --> 00:07:09.262 We just give the same things different names in the way that you feel comfortable talking about it all day, if needed. 00:07:09.723 --> 00:07:11.529 Okay, so that's good. 00:07:11.529 --> 00:07:12.963 So you kind of meet them where they are. 00:07:12.963 --> 00:07:33.732 So when you have a client, and whether they're there by themselves or whether they're there with a partner, how do you encourage them to start communicating, like you said already, so they know who you are and what you do and they know why they're there. 00:07:33.732 --> 00:07:36.492 So that makes it easier. 00:07:36.492 --> 00:07:37.862 And do you have a lot of? 00:07:37.862 --> 00:07:45.548 I guess that was a roundabout way to get to the question Do you have a lot of clients that have trouble communicating with their partner? 00:07:47.060 --> 00:07:55.745 But it's usually due to because they don't know what they want and they don't know why they are stuck, and you don't know what you don't know. 00:07:55.745 --> 00:07:58.466 So how do you communicate something that you don't know? 00:07:58.466 --> 00:08:03.288 Yeah, so, of course, a lot of my work also entails to just figure out. 00:08:03.288 --> 00:08:04.730 What do you actually want? 00:08:04.730 --> 00:08:06.904 What is it that makes you happy? 00:08:06.904 --> 00:08:09.769 What is it that stimulates your body or mind? 00:08:09.769 --> 00:08:16.947 It will keep you推somiet be as it is, and then we move on to say, okay, how can we bring this across in your particular way? 00:08:16.947 --> 00:08:23.588 Not in the words that I tell you to say, but what feels comfortable to you to say? 00:08:23.588 --> 00:08:36.124 I give you a structure, because there are particular structures that are more helpful the sandwich method with positive solution, positive stuff like this. 00:08:36.445 --> 00:08:41.741 Yes, and you can use those, yes, in that sexual intimacy fields. 00:08:41.962 --> 00:08:46.464 Yeah, that's so interesting that you talk about using the sandwich method for feedback. 00:08:46.464 --> 00:08:56.859 I worked in medical education for many years and a big part of that was giving feedback to students and doctors and the sandwich method. 00:08:56.859 --> 00:08:59.585 A lot of people say, oh, that's kind of old and tired. 00:08:59.585 --> 00:09:00.427 Why should we do this? 00:09:00.427 --> 00:09:33.048 It's so important because you want to give something to improve on in the middle of the positive, because in my perspective and in my work and I want to hear what your opinion is that way the person knows that you're not just saying all the nice things, that there is something that they can work on and then it makes the positive feedback a little more positive and genuine because they're doing that. 00:09:33.048 --> 00:09:34.659 What would be your opinion on something like that? 00:09:34.679 --> 00:09:35.682 Yeah, I'll give you an example. 00:09:35.682 --> 00:09:44.154 So one of my clients she didn't have the foreplay that she would love to have, so we talked about it. 00:09:44.154 --> 00:09:49.125 So how can you tell your partner what you would like to happen during the foreplay? 00:09:49.125 --> 00:10:03.971 And for her, she wanted that her partner squeezes her nipples so that she has more traction or just more feeling in it. 00:10:03.971 --> 00:10:07.985 So she came up with I love it when you touch my breasts. 00:10:07.985 --> 00:10:12.722 What I would love even more is if you would like my nipples. 00:10:13.745 --> 00:10:20.174 that would give me a lot of pleasure and that ended up being comfortable for her to say we got that. 00:10:21.499 --> 00:10:24.005 She wasn't used to talking about these things. 00:10:24.005 --> 00:10:29.908 Like many of my clients, they aren't used to talking about these things with her partners. 00:10:29.908 --> 00:10:33.342 They don't even tell themselves what they like. 00:10:33.342 --> 00:10:41.048 But giving them this non-judgmental space to just let's explore what do you want? 00:10:41.048 --> 00:10:47.881 And she wants her nipples to be nippled on, fair enough, whatever floats your boat. 00:10:47.881 --> 00:10:53.827 So how can we put that into a nice

feedback and also give some improvement suggestion? 00:10:53.827 --> 00:10:55.217 And this way? 00:10:55.217 --> 00:11:01.823 Her partner knows she loves it when I touch her breasts, oh, and this will make her even hotter. 00:11:01.823 --> 00:11:02.716 Amazing. 00:11:02.716 --> 00:11:03.340 Let's do this. 00:11:05.442 --> 00:11:07.154 Yeah, that's great. 00:11:07.154 --> 00:11:19.174 So it sounds like you really work hard to bring a positive feeling and cultivate that positivity towards whatever the person feels and needs. 00:11:19.235 --> 00:11:23.318 Yes, it's very important In any coaching relationship. 00:11:23.318 --> 00:11:33.942 It's important to be positive and show the client that there is the light at the end of the tunnel, when you are now, this is just a phase. 00:11:34.195 --> 00:11:43.743 This is just the stage right now, thank you, and we move forward and that is very encouraging and that's what they came for. 00:11:43.743 --> 00:11:45.542 They want to get to that light. 00:11:45.542 --> 00:12:06.142 So just make it easier, and maybe not easier, but make it more fun and enjoyable to get there, even though it's sometimes hard work, particularly emotionally and when you become aware of, oh my God, I've done it like this all these years and that's why it didn't work. 00:12:06.142 --> 00:12:09.985 And they might come in some self-shaming or self-blaming. 00:12:09.985 --> 00:12:17.597 And then we say, ok, that's OK, we let it come, we let that feeling come and we let it go. 00:12:17.597 --> 00:12:26.610 There's no need to push it away or to hold on to it, we just invite it and then send it off again. 00:12:26.993 --> 00:12:27.375 That sounds. 00:12:27.375 --> 00:12:32.686 That's a lovely image, talking about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and knowing it's there. 00:12:32.686 --> 00:12:42.590 And I want to talk a little bit about what you were saying about people that have self-blame or self-shame around sex. 00:12:42.590 --> 00:12:53.919 Because, just as a little personal anecdote, I went to Catholic school and I was taught about the rhythm method for birth control and everything else was pretty much. 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:56.527 The only education I got was not until you're married. 00:12:56.527 --> 00:13:05.089 So it was very difficult at first especially when I met my husband, to figure out all that. 00:13:05.089 --> 00:13:13.081 So a lot of other people experience that kind of self-shaming and self-blame, and not just in the bedroom. 00:13:13.595 --> 00:13:15.422 Where do you think it comes from, and not just in? 00:13:15.442 --> 00:13:16.818 the bedroom Any part of their lives. 00:13:16.818 --> 00:13:44.725 The thing is when we should look at it like, yes, this is the sexual part of your life, and when you self-shame and self-blame in the sexual part of your life, you most likely do it in every other part of your life, because you talk to yourself and you don't stop talking to yourself when you get out of the bedroom, when you do your business, when you talk to your children, when you interact with people. 00:13:44.725 --> 00:13:48.361 Those sorts are there. 00:13:48.361 --> 00:13:51.861 Then self-shaming comes with you. 00:13:53.177 --> 00:13:54.221 We're going to take a quick break. 00:13:54.221 --> 00:14:00.381 Our expert guest is Anna Thelman, a sexual intimacy coach, and we are talking about communicating in the bedroom. 00:14:00.381 --> 00:14:12.793 Be right back, music, welcome back. 00:14:12.793 --> 00:14:13.754 We're here with Anna Thelman. 00:14:13.754 --> 00:14:20.408 Anna, I want to take a moment and go back to what you were talking about with people that self-shame a lot. 00:14:20.408 --> 00:14:26.573 Where do you think it comes from that so many people have that? 00:14:26.594 --> 00:14:26.735 trouble. 00:14:26.735 --> 00:14:34.001 I want to introduce you to the idea that there is this voice in your head and let's call it the judge. 00:14:34.001 --> 00:14:36.754 Yes, it's judging us. 00:14:36.754 --> 00:14:41.754 And what happened at one point in your early life? 00:14:41.754 --> 00:14:43.774 There was a situation. 00:14:43.774 --> 00:14:48.553 It doesn't have to be a trauma, it doesn't have to be anything big. 00:14:48.553 --> 00:14:58.735 It can be just that you asked your parents something that turned around and said now you don't get it and that's where your judge then came. 00:14:58.735 --> 00:15:02.184 And your judge is there to protect you from emotional harm. 00:15:02.184 --> 00:15:08.587 And for that particular situation, your judge came like here I am and protect me. 00:15:08.587 --> 00:15:11.754 So I'm telling you that it's you Just go away. 00:15:11.754 --> 00:15:16.774 And what happens is we carry that judge and that judge becomes many different forms. 00:15:17.657 --> 00:15:23.573 So we can be very people pleasing, very controlling or sectionism. 00:15:23.573 --> 00:15:28.754 That's one point, a big point for many people, that everything has to be perfect. 00:15:28.754 --> 00:15:39.075 And that's that voice, that judge, that Because of something happened when you were a child, it came to protect you. 00:15:39.075 --> 00:15:59.075 And while we grow older, while we start to think more, while we get to grow and understand ourselves better, we usually don't need that voice anymore, that protection, but we're so used to it because it gives us the comfort and we identify ourselves with that voice. 00:15:59.075 --> 00:16:02.261 So we think this is who I am. 00:16:02.261 --> 00:16:04.086 I am a perfectionist. 00:16:04.086 --> 00:16:09.125 I hear many people say that I am a proclamant perfectionist. 00:16:09.125 --> 00:16:12.159 That's no you're not. 00:16:13.123 --> 00:16:14.886 You haven't been born a perfectionist. 00:16:14.886 --> 00:16:20.647 Something happened that gave rise to that voice that wants to protect you. 00:16:20.647 --> 00:16:38.054 And so far you haven't learned to let go of that voice, to quieten that voice, because we

don't want to get rid of it, we just want to quieten it so to let out the more positive thoughts, the more self-assuring, self-compassionate thoughts. 00:16:38.054 --> 00:16:51.075 But right now, that other voice, that self-blaming, self-shaming voice, is so loud that it insects every area of our life, every decision we make. 00:16:51.075 --> 00:17:09.508 It's so dominant and I teach my clients to quieten that voice so that we can give rise to the positivity, to the self-compassion, to see what else is there underneath that self-shame and self-name. 00:17:09.508 --> 00:17:19.928 And it's so amazing to see, when you quieten that voice, so many other thoughts come to mind that you, where are they coming from? 00:17:19.928 --> 00:17:43.075 Because it's so quiet and now your mind is free to just create, and creation is usually positive, positivity, positive, and it moves you forward Because you want to improve yourself, you want to achieve your goals, you want to get to that night. 00:17:46.464 --> 00:17:48.830 Yeah, wow, that's a beautiful explanation. 00:17:48.830 --> 00:17:54.532 I really like that Because, yeah, I can see if I'm having a rough day. 00:17:54.532 --> 00:18:05.035 I can criticize myself on everything from how I pick out fruit at the grocery store to more important things on the agenda. 00:18:05.035 --> 00:18:39.320 But it's really nice to hear you acknowledge and accommodate the fact that that's something that people have everywhere, on all levels, and to address that instead of just saying well, I could see some coaches I've known some coaches that are very I'll use the word precise in what they do and they're like well, you're here to fix this problem, I'll fix this problem and that's it. 00:18:39.320 --> 00:18:59.140 Thank you very much, and it sounds like that you really pay attention to the entire gamut of what's going on, so that this individual problem isn't just fixed in the bedroom but is fixed for their entire life. 00:18:59.140 --> 00:19:00.284 I'm not here. 00:19:00.304 --> 00:19:02.028 My job isn't to fix your problem. 00:19:02.028 --> 00:19:09.453 My job is to help you so you can fix any problem in your life. 00:19:10.142 --> 00:19:16.605 Wow, that's really that's what we're doing, so that we work together. 00:19:16.705 --> 00:19:23.811 my programs are six months long because I want to build you up your confidence up in yourself. 00:19:23.811 --> 00:19:34.163 So when you leave my program, that you know when shit hits the fan excuse my French, I can deal with it. 00:19:34.163 --> 00:19:37.483 No, it might be tough, I might cry. 00:19:37.483 --> 00:19:40.288 Whatever happens, I can deal with it. 00:19:40.288 --> 00:19:41.721 Wow. 00:19:43.882 --> 00:19:48.445 So would you say that a lot of people get more than they bargained for when they sign up for one of your courses? 00:19:49.545 --> 00:19:53.721 I don't see it that way, it's just like Mm-hmm. 00:19:55.041 --> 00:20:00.180 I see it in a very good way, in that they might think that they're just coming in to talk about one thing. 00:20:00.180 --> 00:20:06.298 But, like you said, that really resonated with me when you said to fix any problem. 00:20:06.417 --> 00:20:06.699 Yeah. 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:07.886 Yeah, on your own. 00:20:07.886 --> 00:20:17.299 You know, you might think, well, I'm coming to see Anna because I want to have a good orgasm, and but it seems like there's so much more than that. 00:20:17.682 --> 00:20:26.512 Yes but, the thing is, when my clients come to me, they have that particular situation in mind. 00:20:26.512 --> 00:20:35.928 So they are missing sex and that's their main focus to get that orgasm back, to have that sexual intimate relationship. 00:20:35.928 --> 00:20:48.429 And it's like when you go and you want to lose weight, you go to someone who helps you particularly with losing weight, because that's your problem, let's call it. 00:20:48.429 --> 00:20:54.305 Even though it's not a problem, it's just something in your mind that you think, whoa, you need to do this. 00:20:54.305 --> 00:21:05.152 But you look for those people who help you with that, and even those will give you tools that you can use in every area of your life. 00:21:05.152 --> 00:21:19.604 Like, yeah, if you want your orgasm back, we talk about sex, we talk about orgasms, we talk about all of that that's important to you and, in addition, you can handle your life after Much easier. 00:21:19.960 --> 00:21:28.692 I wanted to go back to something you mentioned in people policing, and that there are a lot of people that feel. 00:21:28.692 --> 00:21:49.488 You know, in my opinion there's thousands upon thousands of people who feel that that's a good and valid way to communicate is by always putting the other person first and that if the other person is feeling good, whether that's business or in the bedroom, then they have succeeded and they feel good about that. 00:21:49.488 --> 00:21:56.048 So when you meet a client, that's a people pleaser is there a particular way that you go about working? 00:21:56.067 --> 00:21:56.348 with them. 00:21:56.348 --> 00:22:10.570 Usually, when they come to me, they are not aware that they are people pleaser, like many people aren't aware that they are pleasing people, and we get to the root of that step by step. 00:22:10.570 --> 00:22:21.373 And what happens when you are a people pleaser is that what you do is usually connected to an expectation that you have. 00:22:21.373 --> 00:22:30.287 So you're nice, I'm nice to Amy, I'm here at her podcast and I want her to promote me so I get more clients. 00:22:32.240 --> 00:22:36.211 So I'm being very nice to you, so that you are nice to me, gotcha. 00:22:36.211 --> 00:22:52.103 The other thing is that it's coming back to that voice in our head, to that judge, because many of us are trained to believe that when we think about ourselves first, it's a bad thing. 00:22:52.103 --> 00:22:55.641 We have to think about the others Only.

00:22:55.641 --> 00:22:59.570 When we are in service to others, we are happy. 00:22:59.570 --> 00:23:02.045 And that sentence. 00:23:02.045 --> 00:23:06.424 In itself that's correct, because it makes you happy to help others. 00:23:06.424 --> 00:23:12.928 What's missing is that you pull from an empty cow. 00:23:12.928 --> 00:23:27.635 So what you're giving is connected to expectations, is connected to, probably, a lack of happiness and lack of purpose. 00:23:27.635 --> 00:23:29.875 It might be fear. 00:23:29.875 --> 00:23:34.961 So there's some sort of I call it negative attachment in this way. 00:23:34.961 --> 00:23:46.891 That's why you want to please people, and when you turn it around and when you fill your cup first, when you look after yourself first. 00:23:47.030 --> 00:23:49.920 It doesn't mean you go away for a weekend to ignore everyone. 00:23:49.920 --> 00:24:03.016 It just means, like setting your boundaries, saying no, occasionally, have a box, do something that makes you happy no one else, just you and that's how you fill up that cup. 00:24:03.016 --> 00:24:07.621 And when you do that, you will be so in tune with yourself. 00:24:07.621 --> 00:24:24.901 You will be so passionate and compassionate about yourself so you don't have the need for those expectations anymore, because you're just here saying I love myself, I love you. 00:24:24.901 --> 00:24:27.397 Let's love the world, yeah. 00:24:29.073 --> 00:24:29.994 And it doesn't matter. 00:24:29.994 --> 00:24:31.518 I like that. 00:24:31.518 --> 00:24:32.199 Let's love the world. 00:24:32.199 --> 00:24:33.781 Yeah, and it doesn't matter what comes back. 00:24:33.961 --> 00:24:34.502 It doesn't matter. 00:24:34.502 --> 00:24:36.829 You're not waiting for any feedback. 00:24:36.829 --> 00:24:42.539 You're not waiting for I know clients you look for on social media. 00:24:42.539 --> 00:24:43.942 How many likes or etc. 00:24:43.942 --> 00:24:45.877 Do you get? 00:24:45.877 --> 00:24:48.713 Yeah, because there is a lack. 00:24:48.713 --> 00:24:53.199 They serve, but they still expect. 00:24:53.199 --> 00:24:57.979 When you just serve, serve yourself first. 00:24:57.979 --> 00:25:03.156 Then, when your cup is overflowing, there's so much more for the rest of us. 00:25:04.250 --> 00:25:08.900 So, anna, tell me how can potential clients get in touch with you if they would like to learn more? 00:25:08.940 --> 00:25:10.083 Well, they can send me an email. 00:25:10.083 --> 00:25:11.132 My email is Anna@annathellmann. 00:25:11.132 --> 00:25:13.617 com . 00:25:13.617 --> 00:25:19.894 They find me on LinkedIn under Anna Thellmann, or on Facebook, same Anna Thellmann. 00:25:19.894 --> 00:25:25.056 Well, they can have a look at my websites, annathellmanncom. 00:25:29.042 --> 00:25:41.060 All right, I have all those links in the show notes available for you and Anna, I can't thank you enough for being here today and bringing our conversation about communication to a new level. 00:25:41.060 --> 00:25:54.554 I think the main things that I'm personally going to take away are what you said about the light at the end of the tunnel and knowing the light is there, Just as you mentioned. 00:25:54.554 --> 00:26:10.018 That's something you can apply to anything, not just the bedroom, and I'm certainly going to take away the thought of the judge and try to work on getting my judge to be better at talking to me. 00:26:10.018 --> 00:26:12.276 I think that's really important too. 00:26:12.276 --> 00:26:14.192 I appreciate it so much. 00:26:14.192 --> 00:26:14.994 Thank you for being here today. 00:26:15.015 --> 00:26:15.978 Thank you for giving me the time. 00:26:15.978 --> 00:26:19.210 Thank you, and thanks to our audience for listening today. 00:26:19.210 --> 00:26:27.329 If you like what you hear, please leave us a review, join us on Facebook or Instagram, or check out our website at wwwsavvycomunicatorcom. 00:26:27.329 --> 00:26:29.395 We'll see you next time.