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Have you ever done this?
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I know I have.
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I stood up, I started being real, and about 90 seconds into it, I felt the whole room shift.
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Like people started looking at their feet.
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Somebody's checking their phone.
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Not because they didn't care, but because it stopped feeling like an imitation and started feeling like a burden that they didn't sign up to carry.
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Here's the thing.
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I thought I was doing exactly what we've been talking about this whole series.
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Being vulnerable, dropping the armor.
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And in a way, it was brave to try.
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I just didn't know where the line was yet.
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So today, let's find the line.
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This is the Reluctant Leader Podcast.
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I'm Paul.
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And this is part five in our series on vulnerability in leadership.
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And we've built a lot over the last few episodes.
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We've talked about the bulletproof leader being a myth and how power gets made perfect in weakness, not around it.
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How performing and pretending to be strong actually costs our body something real.
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And that identity has to come before activity, or we'll never stop performing.
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But I bet what a lot of you have been sitting with this whole series, especially if you've tried this before and it went badly, is this.
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Okay, Paul.
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But if I open up, how do I keep this from becoming a mess?
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And that's a fair question, and it deserves a real answer, not just be brave.
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So here's the simplest way that I can put the difference between vulnerability and oversharing.
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Vulnerability serves the listener.
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Oversharing serves the speaker.
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That's it.
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That's the test.
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It's not about how much you say or how emotional it gets or whether people cry.
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It's about who the moment is actually for.
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Vulnerability sounds like, hey, I struggled with this, and here's what I learned, and here's where God met me in it.
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The struggle is named, but it's in service of something the listener can actually use hope, permission, maybe to give them a category for their own life.
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It's processed enough to be given away.
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But oversharing sounds like I'm really struggling with this right now, and I need you to help me carry it.
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Even if the words are almost identical, the direction is reversed.
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Now the room isn't receiving something from you, they're being asked to hold something for you.
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And listen, your congregation, your staff, your kids, they can't be your primary source of emotional processing.
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That's not their role, and it's not fair to put them in it.
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Now, here's the question that helps me tell the difference in the moment.
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Have I already brought this to God or to a counselor or to a trusted few before I bring it to the many?
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Vulnerability from the stage is almost always vulnerability that's already been processed somewhere smaller and safer first.
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Oversharing is raw processing happening in real time in public with people who didn't consent to be your processing partners.
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This isn't about waiting until everything's resolved before you're allowed to talk about it.
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Some of what you share will still be ongoing, and that's fine.
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Sometimes that's even powerful.
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The test isn't, is this finished?
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The test is have I done my own work on this somewhere else first, so that what I'm handing the room is a gift and not a wait.
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So practically, before you share something vulnerably publicly, ask yourself three quick things.
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Number one, who is this for?
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Am I looking for something from the room or am I giving something to it?
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Number two, have I processed this somewhere smaller first with God or a counselor or a friend?
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Or am I working through it live?
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And number three, if nobody responds to this the way I need them to, am I still going to be okay?
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And if the answer to that last question is no, it's not ready for the stage yet.
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It might be ready for your community group, it might just be ready for a counselor's office, and that's not failure, that's wisdom.
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The goal was never share everything.
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We said back in episode one that the crack in the armor is the opening, not the leak.
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And a leak is exactly what happens when vulnerability skips the metabolizing step.
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A crack opened on purpose after the hard work's been done somewhere smaller.
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That's what actually allows God's power through and lets your people receive something instead of having to carry something.
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Now, next episode is gonna be the last one in this series, and I'm gonna close it differently than I've closed anything else so far.
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Instead of another topic, I'm gonna tell you a real story.
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And it's gonna be mine.
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A season where I didn't get to plan the timing of my vulnerability or metabolize it privately first because life didn't really give me that option.
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I'll let you decide for yourself which side of the line I landed on.
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The line between oversharing and vulnerability.
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Now, if this episode was helpful, would you do me a favor and like it, share it with another leader who needs to hear it?
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It genuinely helps this show reach more reluctant leaders like you and me.
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Until then, keep doing your best and trust God with the rest.
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I'm Paul.
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This has been the Reluctant Leader Podcast.