Full Transcript for Gianna Rackham: Unlocking Self-Love

00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,640 So, so fun. 83 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,360 - This might be the only time I've seen you 84 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,200 not wearing pink actually. 85 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,360 - I know and you know why? 86 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,480 It's because I have specifically black and white earrings on. 87 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:24,560 (laughs) 88 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:25,680 - I have so much time together. 89 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,520 (laughs) 90 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:31,040 - But yeah, definitely a lot of pink in the wardrobe for sure. 91 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,920 But yeah, so as far as my work goes, you know, 92 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,640 I originally started doing relationship coaching 93 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,520 like a bit over 10 years ago. 94 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,800 And I got into it pre-orally and pretty young 95 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,840 because I really do consider my childhood 96 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,080 just like a crash course and like understanding 97 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,040 like the fundamental basic of how to have like a healthy 98 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,880 relationship experience in your life 99 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,960 because I was just so like entrenched in the opposite. 100 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,960 And I just really, really had to figure that stuff out 101 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,240 and heal it at a very young age. 102 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,120 And over the years like my work has grown or evolved 103 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,920 as I have and a lot of the work that I tend to do 104 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,840 with women is largely around relationship work 105 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:15,120 where we confront patterns around like self-worth 106 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,920 and codependency. 107 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,680 And a lot of the women that I work with 108 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,000 like Lena Bittmore and Ashton and Energetic 109 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,600 and so I help them kind of like be construct 110 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,640 where they might not be in their most authentic expression 111 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,960 of that energy so they can really be in alignment 112 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960 with attracting the kind of partnerships that they want. 113 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,200 But over the years like that work has also evolved into 114 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,800 an element of leadership coaching 115 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,320 because a lot of the women that I work with 116 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,920 tend to be like high achievers, 117 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,520 a lot of them are business owners 118 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,680 and a lot of those relationship patterns 119 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,000 of I'm sure Arden can speak too so well. 120 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000 Don't just translate into romantic relationships 121 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,520 it's also like relationships as a

whole, right? 122 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,840 And so when we have these patterns of like people breathing 123 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:58,400 like self abandonment, overgiving, like validation seeking 124 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,440 and that like manifest into our career relationships 125 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,600 we those relationships can get dysfunctional 126 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,720 and really be a drain on our energy. 127 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,480 And also can impact like our authentic expression 128 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,680 of our purpose and even impact and like our income as well 129 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:12,440 and like hold it back. 130 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,320 And so I found my work evolving into that like area 131 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,840 as well over the years but yeah, I mean, 132 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:21,040 I find like our relationships impact so much 133 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,560 and the way that we are in relationship 134 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,840 impact so much of our quality of life 135 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,160 and not just our quality of life 136 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,840 especially it impacts future generations 137 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,800 especially if you go on to have children 138 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:31,920 and that's something that in particular 139 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,840 I feel really passionate about because you know, 140 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,880 as a child I grew up in like domestic violence 141 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,040 and just like witnessing addiction 142 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,800 and you know, narcissistic abuse and financial abuse 143 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,800 and so it's become something helping women have like 144 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,080 healthy sovereignty but also connection and interdependence 145 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,120 has been something that is just invaluable to me. 146 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,440 So I just love this work so much. (laughs) 147 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,480 - Yeah, something that I've always admired about your work 148 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,800 and I'll just say this like for our listeners. 149 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,800 Some of my listeners perhaps who have like 150 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,040 been with me for a while or just who know of my history 151 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,080 know that I used to be a dating coach back in the day 152 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,480 and I left that field because what was funny about it 153 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,320 was like when I wrote my book back in the day 154 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,400 a book called The New Rules of Attraction 155 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,800 as soon as it came out I felt like I had painted myself 156 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,240 into a corner because all of a sudden 157 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,560 there were like all of these sort of articles 158 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,000 or book reviews about me and I was like,

159 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,040 yay like publicity this is great for my book 160 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,840 but all of them were like the woman who can get any man 161 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,120 she wants. (laughs) 162 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,640 - So I was like, oh my god, what do I do now if I fail 163 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,320 and so I actually had like a lot of my, 164 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:39,680 I mean I was young and whatever 165 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,000 but like I had a lot of my sort of like 166 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:46,120 am I good at this like tied up in whether I was winning 167 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,880 the approval of the person that I desired 168 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,560 and that obviously like that led to some over learning 169 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,080 of those patterns that was ultimately not healthy, right? 170 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,080 Like it's great to have like a structure 171 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,800 like know how to create a conversation 172 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,600 like there were valuable things about my work 173 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,040 you put like approach it with a playful spirit 174 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,320 and like this is fun let me like expand my skills 175 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,680 that let me like try and connect with people or whatever 176 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,320 but the minute you put that value on 177 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,160 whether I can get the person I want is like whether 178 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,920 whether or not I'm a fraud I was like oh my god. 179 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,840 And when I came across your work Gianna 180 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,360 like what I love about it so much is that 181 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,560 I've seen you at this point in like two different relationships 182 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:29,200 and also single and you have never ever linked 183 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,360 the value of either yourself or your work 184 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:32,840 to whether you're with a partner 185 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:37,400 and you're so clear on the fact that it really is 186 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,720 about how much you love your own life 187 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,000 and how much you love yourself 188 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,560 and how much you're in alignment. 189 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:47,080 And when you're in alignment you will naturally attract 190 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:51,680 things that joy and that passion for life 191 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:52,960 like draw in, right? 192 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,280 You will call in the right kind of partner 193 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,360 you will call in the right thing 194 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,160 and even if you're not with a partner right now 195 00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,560 like then that's fine. 196 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,880 Like there's nothing about that defines you 197 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,240 and that fact that it is that inner alignment 198 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:10,280 that is going to lead to those soul mate connections 199 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,160 right or to those just really super aligned connections 200 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,360 with another person. 201 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,480 And so I've seen you do this work 202 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,400 and you were actually like at the time 203 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,800 'cause as you said like we've known each other 204 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,320 online for a little while now. 205 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,480 At that time I remember being like this is maybe one 206 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:28,720 of the only love and relationship coaches I've ever seen 207 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,960 that doesn't put that emphasis on you need to get the guy. 208 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,760 Like every all the books out there 209 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,200 like the books from the 90s 210 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,240 the books from the 2000s like even you know 211 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,000 like Matthew Hussie and people like that. 212 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,760 And like I know the person who taught Matthew Hussie 213 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,680 is a friend of my name Adam Lyons 214 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,600 at least one of the people who taught Matthew Hussie 215 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,760 and I've back in the day like I read some his content 216 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,440 out of curiosity and it's actually like not half bad 217 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,480 but it doesn't all of it is still like 218 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,280 I'm going to get you this result. 219 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,360 You are going to get the man right? 220 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,760 Get the like the rules right? 221 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,320 Get the ring on the finger like 222 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:08,280 it's just and it's so that attachment to outcome 223 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:13,280 is like the opposite of what actually is healthy. 224 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,480 So I'd love for you to share like more about that principle 225 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,680 that you stand by because I think it is what 226 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,560 I think it is the key defining factor actually 227 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,240 that puts your work into such a place of integrity. 228 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,880 - Thank you so much for saying that. 229 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:31,520 And like I love that we're able to have like this conversation 230 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,560 with a lot of like background context 231 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,400 because we've known each other for so long. 232 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,800 Like when we were when we first met 233 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,680 like I was in a relationship with someone 234 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,520 who I got engaged to that I was with for a while 235 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,280 and it was a very about eight years 236 00:09:45,280 -->

00:09:47,720 and it was a very like beautiful like healthy relationship 237 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,960 but ultimately like I out and grew it 238 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,600 as I was kind of like refining like what I really wanted 239 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,960 it needed in terms of like specific partner qualities 240 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,800 versus like the fundamental foundation. 241 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,080 Like like that was stuff I deeply understood 242 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,960 very early on again just sort of like childhood stuff 243 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,760 where it's like the fundamental like healthy foundation. 244 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,240 I just have like the deep belief in the deep knowing 245 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:13,800 that like you know I've always used the word like soulmate partners 246 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,200 and like you know sometimes it's like we need relationships 247 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,200 to come into our lives kind of show us 248 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,000 and like help us refine our sense of style 249 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,520 and sometimes that's like highlighting wounds 250 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,880 or traumas or insecurities that we need to address 251 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,840 and sometimes it's helping us refine 252 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,240 like our specific preferences in terms of like lifestyle 253 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,520 and like partnership qualities 254 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:40,520 and I really am like anti the narrative 255 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,600 that it's like relationship endings are a failure 256 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,320 or like being single is like a dirty word 257 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:50,200 or embarrassing or shameful because I think that when we 258 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,760 first of all it's just bullshit and it's not true 259 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,520 for one but second of all I think that when we take that on 260 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,640 we start to seek connection from a really disempowered place 261 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:05,520 that's also inauthentic it's not from this place of like choosing someone 262 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,320 who truly is like a really good fit for you in your life 263 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:13,280 and vice versa it's I can't be alone or like I don't want to be alone 264 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:18,040 or like I need a relationship or to be married in order to feel like 265 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,880 I matter or like I'm not failing or that there's not something wrong with me 266 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,320 and like I think when we go into 267 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,160 because I'm of the deep belief personally 268 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,200 and don't get me wrong I've worked with so many women over the years 269 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,120 that have like actively been trying to get into relationships 270 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,400 for like 10 to 20 years and it's been hard 271 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,960 and that's like a different story 272 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,880 but I think in general most people can get into a relationship 273 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:48,520 but it's not necessarily like a high quality, healthy, 274 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,440 deeply fulfilling like match of a relationship 275 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,840 and so I think that when we are kind of like desperate 276 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,960 to be in a relationship we tend to kind of like lower our standards 277 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,920 and we start to kind of like lie to ourselves and self abandon 278 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,920 and to in order to have that and it may be like 279 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,760 soothes those insecurities and wounds 280 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,560 but in like in the long term bigger picture of life 281 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:14,320 it really you know like you were saying before we got on the podcast 282 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,680 like the longer you get on a train going in the wrong direction 283 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:21,400 like you're gonna have to come that like that far back you know 284 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,600 to get back on track so to speak 285 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,320 and I just really think it's not worth it 286 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:29,520 you know it's not worth it to like build a life with someone 287 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,720 that really doesn't match you and it requires like health abandonment 288 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,320 and I'm not talking about like healthy compromise 289 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,240 but I'm talking like you have to abandon like authentic things 290 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:43,040 that you need and want that you could have with the with the right person 291 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,080 and also too it's like you model that for your children 292 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,960 and your future children if you have kids right 293 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,760 and like you also just like radiate that vibration 294 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,760 into the collective consciousness and like 295 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,760 like that 296 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,920 no like it's just it's just not required 297 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,120 and so I think it's really important to be able to have 298 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,480 in order to have like deeply meaningful healthy 299 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,560 sustainable enriching connection 300 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,480 which I think is the point of relationship 301 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,520 it's like something I say to clients all the time 302 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,280 it's like further together faster 303 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,280 like in a relationship it should be adding 304 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,080 like you guys should be better together than you are on your own 305 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,000 but it doesn't mean that you're missing anything 306

00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,960 it doesn't mean that like on your own you suck 307 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,480 or that your life isn't amazing 308 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,560 or that like you're incomplete right 309 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,400 but it's like a lot of the times 310 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,040 I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there 311 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,240 like are not in the highest experience of relationship 312 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,560 that they could have 313 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,040 and it's because of things like that you know 314 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,320 and so I don't know like self love 315 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,800 and again going back to my podcast name 316 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,800 I really love myself like self love 317 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,960 is to me is an expression of the divine 318 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,160 where it's like when you value yourself 319 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,920 when you value other people 320 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,800 you are meant to like really take your energy very seriously 321 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,320 and protect about energy and like you know 322 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,280 when and especially if you're like a spiritually aware person 323 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,640 who has like a purpose in this lifetime 324 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,080 like you need that you need that clear head 325 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,480 you need that creative energy 326 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,880 you need that space to be able to like birth 327 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,760 whatever it is that you're here to do in this life 328 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,840 and if your relationships are like tugging on your energy too much 329 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,600 or like even holding you back and draining you 330 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,680 like that does impact like what I believe 331 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,080 like what your soul came here to do in this lifetime 332 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,520 and like you know better like everybody is better 333 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,640 and we're all capable of that you know 334 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,160 yeah I agree with you 100% on that 335 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,720 and I've definitely been that person 336 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,160 who stayed in a relationship that was not right for me 337 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,280 out of scarcity I was very late bloomer in life 338 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,160 so I had those feelings of like well 339 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,920 it takes me a long time to get into a relationship 340 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,560 I'm very picky about who I'm attracted to 341 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,400 so it's hard for you know I can go 342 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,920 and I figure out later in life I'm like 343 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,440 oh I also have ADHD which means in some ways 344 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,120 I was self-medicating with crushes 345 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,680 like crushes would stimulate dopamine 346 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,280 and they would give me like a sense of like 347 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,920 purpose and a sense of like a reason to be alive 348 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,720 and without that I would feel like 349 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,440 I just I can't get anything done like there's no like what's 350 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,880 what's the point you know 351 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:10,480 and so I not knowing that it was like quite literally a neurochemical thing 352 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,920 that was going on for me 353 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,920 I would be like I have to at least have a 354 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,160 like even if I'm not in a relationship that's fine 355 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,080 but I have to have like a crush like something I'm working toward 356 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,520 you know someone that I like 357 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,120 so I can be this best version of myself 358 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,120 that I get to be when I feel motivated 359 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,800 and it wasn't a gosh it wasn't until honestly like 360 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,240 I think 2021 that I made the connection 361 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,920 between the dopamine deficiency and my anxious attachment 362 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,880 like no wonder I would get anxious like 363 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,680 about the idea of not having anyone there 364 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,040 because all of a sudden it's like feeling like 365 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,160 I'm locked in a room with the air being sucked out 366 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,520 you know like yeah like Jesus 367 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,320 and then I figured out I was like oh well if it's dopamine thing 368 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,160 can I just find other sources of dopamine 369 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,040 and yeah practicing magic making music all of those kind of things 370 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,240 but I'm like I'm so 100% there with you on like 371 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,640 if you're in a relationship that is 372 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,800 you're you're turning a blind eye to the things that are not working 373 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,080 and not just like problems to figure out or whatever 374 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,720 but like long term lack of compatibility 375 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,960 or like you had this a spark of attraction in the beginning 376 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,560 and now you can't like like go of it 377 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,760 you want it to be something more 378 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,600 but it's actually not lasting you pass the honeymoon phase 379 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,880 because there's nothing that was there beyond that surface traction 380 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,520 and like so hard so I'm right there with you 381 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,840 I'm so glad that you've made

that a part of your work. 382 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,440 Yeah thank you for saying that 383 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,000 and I love what you brought up with like 384 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,040 neurodivergency because it's like 385 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,760 something that I really believe is that you know 386 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,560 we should be whoever like we feel called to be in this life 387 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:46,240 but I think that we are also like uniquely our own expression of self 388 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,000 and like and it's perfect and there's nothing wrong with that 389 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,960 and like but it's it's really about having like the conscious agency and choice 390 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,600 to like around your relationship decisions 391 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,120 and like I think what you're describing with like the dopamine 392 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,760 I think a lot of people can relate to that 393 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,440 like whether they identify as like neurodiverture or not 394 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,680 because it's like I find with my clients who are like 395 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:13,000 codependent or have codependent tendency if there's just such a unconscious habit 396 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,600 of like seeking that like dopamine that joy and like also that self worth 397 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:21,760 and that significance and also that like regulation and security 398 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,840 like through other people and it's such a powerful thing to be able to learn 399 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,720 and this is like a big part of the work that I do with people fundamentally 400 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,120 around relationships is to be able to what I what I like to call is like self 401 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,000 source right like self source like consciously 402 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:41,120 those things that we have felt like a band like dependent upon relationships 403 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:46,720 for like from a place of that causes us to kind of like abandon like what we really need 404 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:51,280 for that season of life or like abandoned certain standards in order to try to get that 405 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,680 like dopamine or validation or like whatever it is that's super important 406 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,720 and I love that you were able to make that connection and be like okay 407 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,040 like my dopamine gets to like come from like magic and like music and like these 408 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,640 other things that you know feel nourishing and give back and it's like this 409 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,440 reciprocal healthy relationship that doesn't require you to have to like be 410 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:16,560 funneling energy into a connection that may not be like bare fruit or have a 411 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:20,720 return that feels valuable to your life so I think that that's 412 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:26,640 freaking awesome and I love what you put it I'm just curious what 413 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,360 when you work with women who are stuck in that pattern where they're getting that 414 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,200 joy or that dopamine from the crush from the relationship or whatever that is 415 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:41,440 I'm curious what sort of things you advise them to get that joy from 416 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:45,440 that are not dependent on partnership like if someone was in that pattern 417 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,880 what kind of things would you encourage them to explore everybody's a little 418 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:53,360 bit different but like what I like to do is help them pinpoint like the emotional 419 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,200 needs that they're getting from that person right and so sometimes it usually 420 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,880 boils down to like a handful of things it's usually like security 421 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,200 it's like dopamine joy like happiness, fulfillment, etc. or like a sense of 422 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:10,720 significance or like you know like value and you know self-worth and then it's like 423 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,400 kind of do a little bit of an audit in your day-to-day life and like thought 424 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:19,120 process and also lifestyle that where this is like actively where you're 425 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,400 actively feeling the opposite or where you're craving to feel more of 426 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,560 the feeling in general and so that can like lead to a whole like rabbit 427 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,560 whole of like these deeper things that may be people have been using unconsciously 428 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:35,600 anyways using like a romantic partnership to like distract themselves from like 429 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,200 for example how do we two examples I think both are gonna be important 430 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:44,640 so when I was younger I had an eating disorder right so I I had just 431 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:49,600 under-eating like that over exercising like those kinds of things and it was like 432 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,120 my you know if anybody that knows anything about eating disorders knows a lot of 433 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,960 the times those things manifest as a way to try to have control you know which 434 00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,320 was made perfect sense for me and my childhood like I didn't have a sense of 435 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,640 the control and so that's what something I could control with myself and I had 436 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,920 these like chronic when I was younger these chronic like body image and 437 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:12,480 securities and this would like pop up in my dating life where it's like I would 438 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:17,040 unconsciously like default expects like men to not be attracted to me 439 00:20:17,040 -->

00:20:23,520 which is like crazy and and so like I would just be like 440 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,480 waiting for a response from them and I would just be like on this anxious edge 441 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,240 that would be like really distracting and and I would just be like seeking that and 442 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:36,400 like putting my energy there and what I really needed to do which I did eventually is 443 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:42,000 like bring the focus back to myself to like address the fact that like my day-to-day life like 444 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,840 it in my head like I would look in the mirror every day and be like oh like I would be 445 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:50,800 criticizing myself like I would be having all this anxiety around like the way 446 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,240 that I ate that day or like whether or not I worked out hard enough and like I should 447 00:20:54,240 --> 00:21:00,240 just go work out more like and it was just this thing that's like self abuse right and like 448 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:05,440 that I really found empowered me a lot in my romantic life was to to address that and like really 449 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:10,560 move through those patterns once and for all and like another example that I want to share is like 450 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:15,360 because I see this a lot with client a lot of the times it's like women who don't love their life 451 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:19,680 right like maybe they took a career path that takes up so much of their time and energy they 452 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:24,080 have a lot of burnout they have like you know maybe they work in the medical field or 453 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:28,560 in law or like in you know the way that they run their business that they're a business owner or 454 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,160 like they work in the corporate world and there's like this abusive work culture or like you know 455 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,080 they tend to like self-abandoned and just exhaust themselves like day-to-day out of like people 456 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:43,840 pleading and so it's like their life in general is just unfilling and so you know it's like they are 457 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:49,760 seeking they hyperfixate on like the romantic partner or like the situation chef or whatever it is 458 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,840 as a way to like kind of compensate for that and so they kind of feel powerless in the connection 459 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,640 to be able to like hold those standards where they're respecting themselves because it's like they 460 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,960 kind of feel like they need that to feel okay because they don't feel okay in their life they don't 461 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,120 like their life and so it's like you know something that I've done through relationship work is 462 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:12,320 like helped clients start business it like help them like you know regulate themselves like in like 463 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,160 when they're working on Wall Street and they like the toxic work culture like being able to 464 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,160 like set boundaries and like not take certain things personally and like regulate themselves through 465 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:25,040 those things to manifest like different career opportunities and experiences and just different 466 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:29,280 emotional experiences and the environment so that way it's like they can approach their dating 467 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:36,320 life with more like personal power that I sense I love that yeah absolutely yeah I was thinking also 468 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,720 because I know that you've also started working with women around business and like like you were 469 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:46,000 saying before our patterns you know if they show up in our love lives like I have the saying I love 470 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,000 to talk about in the repatiting projects the way we do one thing is the way we do everything 471 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,240 and I know it feels like a real blanket statement but it's one of those phrases where 472 00:22:54,240 --> 00:23:00,720 even when I think it's not true like I always like keep finding more and more evidence of it being 473 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:06,720 true and I know for me starting the repatiting project like you know I had worked as a dating coach 474 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:11,760 before but I'd never really fully committed to like building a business it was more of a personal 475 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,080 brand and you can work with me as a coach like if you happen to find me through my blog or whatever 476 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:23,520 and when I started the repatiting project the funny thing was I had so many of my own trauma patterns 477 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:28,880 around like having clients come up that I had to deal with kind of like a baptism through fire 478 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:33,200 and thank goodness like the repatiting project was important enough to me that I was like oh no this 479 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,720 is like I have to get this information out there so whatever I need to learn like I need to learn 480 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:43,520 it on the fly but it was amazing how like yeah you don't think that it's the same thing but 481 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:50,160 it really really is I had to like and I had to learn to trust myself and be like wait do I know how 482 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:55,840 to set boundaries do I know how to have a healthy transaction that is mutually beneficial to both me 483 00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:01,600 and the client yeah of course I do okay well then let's just do that I had to like think myself through it 484 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:07,280 you know so so I love that you work with women around those topics too yeah because I have something 485 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:12,240 like the way that I see business and obviously like we're both

like business owners but I believe 486 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:18,000 that it's like we create businesses that are you know they have a will of their own there's like a 487 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:23,200 consciousness that's like wanting to manifest and be collective for like collective good right and 488 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:29,200 so it's like I love that so thank you and so we feel called to like burst these programs these products 489 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,520 these services and it can be it can be music it can be art it can be courses it can be books it can be 490 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,840 fashion it can be all these kinds of things and like that's what we're supposed to be doing because 491 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,160 we feel called to it we want to it likes us up it gives us life it brings us joy and it and like 492 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:46,720 other people benefit from it and appreciate it even if it's whether it's be peeling or like an 493 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:52,080 aesthetic and green piece of art in your home that like holds the frequency of the room for you right 494 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:58,000 and so it's like if we are having these like anxious attachment patterns like around clients or 495 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:04,000 we're you know overgiving or we're like self-abandoning like through our transactions you know we are 496 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,880 not only like harming ourselves but I believe we're not holding like a healthy energetic standard 497 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:14,400 for the people that we bring in and how we bring them in and not impact the experience right of like 498 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,720 what like you know because it I and I feel like every business owner like has to go through this 499 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:24,160 in the beginning but like I know for me in early business I feel like I wouldn't attract the most 500 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:29,360 like ready empowered clients they would just be like I want to do anything to get a relationship 501 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:34,560 and like you know and maybe be like a bit penny pinchy like disrespectful like why should I pay 502 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:39,680 you that's for that and it's like that like tell personal to me like I would take that personally 503 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,920 and be like oh like maybe I'm not enough and so I would like want to overcompensate in some way 504 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,640 and I would overgift which only just feed the dysfunctional dynamic whereas like the thing that 505 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:52,880 attracts in people who really like value and respect your work and like are like your soulmate 506 00:25:52,880 --> 00:26:00,080 clients if you will are people who like see what you do and like value it and like put that 507 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:05,040 route and and they pay you for it and it like just nourishes their life in some way but it's 508 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,920 required in order to attract

that I believe like most of the time it's like you have to be respecting 509 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:14,720 yourself like you have to be holding those standards you have to be like you know for lack of 510 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,600 better way to put it and I don't really like language like this in general but I'm just kind of being 511 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:23,920 cheeky which is like you know you can't be like easy like you get and so it's like then like you 512 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,760 have to have standards with who you attract and that doesn't that doesn't mean that you will get 513 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:32,400 less it means you get more high quality people like and I've had that experience in my business before 514 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,200 where it's like you know there was a point in time where it's like I had I'd hit the six figure level 515 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,840 and I was like really wanting and feeling capable of more and I wanted more like I just knew that 516 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,840 there was more people I was supposed to be working with and I wanted to like almost double my rates 517 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,280 because that's just what felt really an alignment for the level of service I was providing for that 518 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:56,160 particular kind experience and like I had to it was funny I was like telling myself okay like I'm not 519 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,120 even having like the level of points I want when I'm like pretty much abandoning myself and like what 520 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:06,240 I'm charging and like whatever and how much I'm giving so like how could I think that like 521 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:13,360 business would be like pick up even more if I like held a higher standard and and I stated that 522 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:17,760 pattern for a little bit and then I finally like it finally clicked for me where it was like 523 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:23,360 actually this makes so much more sense because like when I'm respecting myself and I'm respecting 524 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:29,440 my work I'm even more like magnetic and attractive to people and that became the experience and I like 525 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:34,400 nearly doubled my rate and started booking out for the first time ever and like repeatedly booked out 526 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:42,640 again again again and I was like bam good I've done this long time ago nice oh my gosh yeah those 527 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:49,360 and it's the same thing it's the same sort of like well if I raise my standards fewer people 528 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,080 are going to meet it like it's the same thing that happens in relationships and I know for me for a 529 00:27:54,080 --> 00:28:04,080 long time like the people I was dating and say my 20s there was definitely an element of like I feel 530 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:09,360 like I am going to feel secure in this relationship because I actually have my life together so much 531 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:15,440 more than this person does like how could they possibly leave someone like me and the amazing thing 532 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:23,280 that I feel like all people kind of learn as we get a little bit older is that actually it's the 533 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:31,360 people that you lower your standards for who treat you worse. It feels like it doesn't make 534 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:39,520 mathematical sense but somehow raising your standards and saying no I'm gonna have someone really 535 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:44,240 and having to like also expand your idea of what is possible that was such a big part of my own 536 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:50,880 repatterning was like looking to relationship model even fictional ones even like mortician gomes 537 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:58,240 atoms you know I was like I want that level of love and passion and security and like all the things 538 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:03,520 and yeah and being able to be like no that's that's that's possible there are people out there who 539 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:12,000 want that too and I'm actually blocking myself from those people by imagining that either they 540 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:18,160 don't exist or that I can only do as well as this sort of more compromising energy of like well 541 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:22,880 this person will really want to stay with me because they're not doing so great on their own you know. 542 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:27,920 Yeah yeah that's so real because like and I had to go through the same thing and honestly like 543 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:36,160 some people never like evolved past that like honestly regardless of age but I think that 544 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:43,200 it's like my core self like little Gianna like inner child Gianna she was she's like a big 545 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:48,480 lover girl giver like so generous so thoughtful like so loving and I had to learn like this 546 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:55,200 tournament of like when someone wasn't valuing me or like coming in with like reciprocity and like 547 00:29:55,200 --> 00:30:01,520 respect that that wasn't a sign to give more love to get them to you know and to just be like more 548 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:07,040 loving to get them to finally value me no because like nine times out of ten and it's a little bit more 549 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:12,800 complex than this but you know a lot of the times like people don't and it this is like very common 550 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,440 with like codependency and like even you know if you want to teeter into like topics of like addiction 551 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:23,680 as well but it's like a lot of the times like people don't change when they're enabled you know what 552 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:29,360 mean like they kind of have to have a bit of like stark reality where it's like no like you don't 553 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:35,600 get more love when you're an asshole or you don't get more love and like

warmth and generosity when 554 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:41,600 you don't like nourish the and like respect and appreciate and reciprocate to that source of like 555 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:47,200 warmth and generosity and love and kindness right that's kind of a shift that we have to start to make 556 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:51,520 where the way it's like positioning yourself like the way that you and this isn't something that you 557 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:56,080 have to like overly think about strategically it's just something that you do when you do like 558 00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:00,080 when this concept lands and you do just respect yourself and value yourself where it's like 559 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,880 the same thing and it's like again like this applies to like business I feel like but it also applies 560 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:11,040 to relationships the way that we unconsciously position ourselves like creates how people treat 561 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:15,760 you know I've had clients who and again I don't knew people from this lens but I'm going to like 562 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:21,600 kind of speak to the common mentality out there which is like you know oh I bet that woman who 563 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:28,560 is like very successful and like in her late 20s or late 30s and like looks like a victorious secret 564 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:34,800 model or a Kardashian or whatever the beauty standards are now like men just you know are falling 565 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:42,160 to her feet or like that woman who is like older and like doesn't have a lot of money and like 566 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,920 doesn't have like abs like men probably she probably just has to like beg for love not necessarily 567 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:54,640 like I've had clients who would fit the archetype of the first woman who have had just really 568 00:31:54,640 --> 00:32:00,800 a trotious experiences with men because it's not about like the boxes you check it's about the energy 569 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,440 that you bring forward and I also and like I have a recent client example of this this woman who 570 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:13,680 is in her 60s and we we did some like relationship work for her poster boy and she like I don't 571 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:18,320 I wasn't surprised but I just like was so giddy and like had so much fun seeing it where it's like 572 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:23,520 men of all different like age ranges and like really successful loving generous men were just like 573 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:28,560 pursuing the hell out of her and it was because and she's now in a partnership that's been very happy 574 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:34,000 but she's now like a lot of the times it's like people think that you have to be perceived a certain 575 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:38,320 way and it's so much not about that's the way that you carry yourself it's the way that you like 576 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:43,600 unconsciously position yourself

that determines like how people treat you and like also like 577 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:48,720 how you allow people to treat you because it's like it's so much about just the way that you carry yourself 578 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:55,920 you know yeah one thing I've noticed in a lot of your content is you use the the word soulmate a lot 579 00:32:55,920 --> 00:33:02,080 like soulmate connection soulmate relationship and there's I'm sure like there's a lot of different 580 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:07,920 ways that soulmate can be defined and I love like looking at all perspectives I'm just curious what is 581 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:14,480 your personal definition of a soulmate yeah I mean for me a soulmate and don't get me wrong like I 582 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:19,440 definitely believe there are people that we journey with through many lifetimes and they take on 583 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:27,040 like an unconditional role in your life to maybe like wound the fuck out of you to like help you 584 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,520 be more self-aware of the things that are going on within you and and there's an unconditional 585 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:40,000 soul level love in that but to me like a soulmate that I wish for everyone is the person who comes into 586 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:47,120 your life when you're at a place of healthy like reciprocal partnership and it's someone who 587 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:53,920 can see you and understands you and like values your unique characteristics and traits and also 588 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:59,360 like compliments your life and like fits into like what you need for yourself to be your best cell 589 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:04,640 but also like adds to it and you do the same for them and so that's really like I think that there's 590 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:09,040 a certain kind of like soulmate that I talk about that comes in when you're at a place of like 591 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,920 secure attachment you know like self-love polarity embodiment that feels authentic and right for you 592 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:18,960 as far as like masculine feminine energies and then it's like you also know yourself 593 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:23,440 you know what you want and then it's like the universe kind of sends in that person that like 594 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,920 largely fits you and then probably checks a few other boxes and you didn't even like consciously 595 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,400 think about it's like a little surprise and delight from the universe if you will and and that's the 596 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,880 person that you can really have long gemini with that's that's what I would determine us all made us 597 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:42,240 but in the way I talk about it anyway nice so it sounds like for you a soulmate is essentially like 598 00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:50,160 when you have removed perhaps the conditioning like the scaffolding the patterning that you may 599 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:54,400 have picked up through wounding you know through trauma throughout your life or just through like your 600 00:34:54,400 --> 00:35:00,560 life experience when you clear that distortion away so that your own soul is a very 601 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:09,280 clear resonant frequency then you attract someone who has that same clear frequency so your 602 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:16,240 souls can meet does that sound like kind of what you're talking about yeah I love that it's so 603 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:22,000 like and I know like we've talked about this too like one of the things that that I'm a big big 604 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,320 big believer in is just the idea that like we are not our patterning we are not our programming 605 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,640 and so I also recognize that there are people who come into our lives there are people like you said 606 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:35,040 who are like they're soulmates but they actually come in to teach you a lesson like you meet up 607 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,000 in this lifetime to be like oh no I don't want that and like there's there's there's theories out 608 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:43,920 there that like like those are the people who actually love you the most on a soul level because 609 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:49,200 they're willing to be they're willing to be rejected by you in this lifetime so that you can learn 610 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,920 this karmic lesson in some ways it's a gift and I know that can sound a little bypassy but like there's 611 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,480 a part of that that also resonates with me on sort of like a non-dual level that I kind of like yeah 612 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:03,600 and then there's also people that I feel like maybe like we have traveled through lifetimes before 613 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:09,280 and maybe their soul just happened to pick up a lot of programming or patterning along the way 614 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:14,400 maybe they went through a lot of abuse as a kid maybe they're struggling with addiction maybe they 615 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:21,600 know whatever patterns that they have and what I love about where we agree on this is that 616 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:29,840 my feeling is like that person can still be your soulmate but it still requires you getting in both 617 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:36,400 parties getting into that clear resonant frequency before the relationship will actually work so 618 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:41,760 even if there is someone who's like oh that person who you know like there's all those memes online 619 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:46,320 that are like you know oh that that guy who's like not calling you back or like the dude who's like 620 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:51,920 you know whatever you know drug dealer you're obsessed with whatever is like not your soulmate 621 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:57,920 and I'm always like you know not necessarily because yeah yeah your soulmate can pick up these

patterns 622 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:03,280 too but the important part is that you're not using the soulmate connection to justify 623 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,560 harm or abuse or distortion or lack of resonance in the relationship or like bad behavior on 624 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:14,160 their part or your part it's like okay if that is your if that is your soulmate then you better get 625 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:19,440 super clear because like you were saying before it's only when you get this clear in yourself like 626 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:26,400 enabling people doesn't help you better like be the lighthouse not the life raft and get so clear 627 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:33,040 and bright that that person if they are your soulmate will be inspired by you and be like oh damn I 628 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:39,280 got to step it up right yeah I mean amen and like like I feel like it last time when we hung out in L.A. 629 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:45,360 like we had such a deep conversation are like along this thread that I love so much oh my god yeah 630 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:50,640 I was like damn like art and gets it like the complexities and the nuance because it's like people can 631 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:55,360 be so black and white with relationships where it's like you know like something I used to say 632 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,120 like early in my earlier in my relationship coaching work a lot that we would kind of like have 633 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:04,320 I feel like funny side conversations about where I'd be like oh my god like the oh romanticization 634 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:10,320 of twin flame conversations and it's like I get it and again like there can be truth to that but it's 635 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:16,320 like also two people like who are kind of like longing for connection and feel like a bit of 636 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:21,280 desperation for love and like connection and belonging and maybe have like codependent patterns 637 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,600 and like ancient attachment patterns like it can be a little bit of an unconscious and not that 638 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:31,440 not that this is like the intention of like twin flame culture necessarily but it's like a lot of 639 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:37,120 times people can use that as a justification to just stay super hyper fixated on a certain 640 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:42,000 relationship in a certain connection that like honestly in a different place you probably wouldn't 641 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:48,240 even want that connection but then it takes a lot of self awareness because I'm so excited to 642 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:52,400 even like say this like I know you're gonna get this and I yeah it's just so juicy it's something 643 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:58,560 I get asked a lot or I've been asked a lot about over the years is like can you manifest a specific person 644 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:04,720 right and I'm like the reality is is like if you are someone

who deeply knows yourself you're deeply 645 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:09,520 intuitive and like you know you know like your patterns you know where you tend to get anxious or 646 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:14,960 avoidant or like give your power away or like self abandon or whatever it is if you're overall a good 647 00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:20,480 place and you feel a certain kind of bark or a certain kind of connection with someone there is a 648 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,280 level of recognition in that they're they're kind when you're when you truly are a conscious person 649 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:30,720 sometimes you're like I'm recognizing my person and like they're circumstances and my circumstances 650 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:37,280 are not an alignment yet and so like I can manifest that person because they are a manifestation 651 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:42,720 of an embodiment of my deepest like souls truth and partnership and I can like smell it on them 652 00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:49,040 and so in that in that regard like when you do come even more into integration with your most 653 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,280 authentic self like you do you can call that person in and people do it I've seen it I've helped you 654 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:58,480 with it but a lot of the times and I'm telling most of the time these people like are honestly 655 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:03,680 in delusion and they're in just like self deception and self betrayal because they're using that 656 00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:09,040 relationship as like a way to bypass like these things that they need to work on and this is why 657 00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:14,800 nine times out of ten I paid a client don't hyper focus on a certain person focus on the archetype 658 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,680 and the the essence the energetic essence of what you want because if it is that person you can 659 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:25,440 be open to them they will come in but if it's not then they will fall away and that tends to be what 660 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:30,000 happens because a lot of the times people a lot of people don't have and it's not that they're not 661 00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:34,480 capable of it but it's like a lot of the times people aren't hyper fixating and like getting 662 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:40,240 obsessed with certain people from from a place of true self recognition it's like codependency it 663 00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:46,080 anxious attachment it's like they're you know your traumas are like are very um 664 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:51,680 compatible if you will right and so I love that you kind of brought up like that nuance because it's like 665 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:58,000 a lot of the time people are either one one board or the other or it's like oh like that 666 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:04,400 incredibly harmful to my well-being person is the one or they're definitely not the one because 667 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:09,680 they would respect me if he wanted to he would

and and life tends to be a little bit more nuance 668 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:15,280 than complex than that and people have people have issues and and it's so much about like the energy 669 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,840 and the standards and the boundaries that you bring into the connection that determine like the 670 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:24,800 real health and longevity of the connection and something I say a lot in my work is like the way in 671 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:30,560 which and this is why like being single is like honestly so fun because I'm like I can literally 672 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:35,280 attract whatever the fuck I want and I mean like like I can literally attract whatever the fuck I want 673 00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:40,560 because of the energy like I put out and like you know someone can you know in my last relationship 674 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:45,680 as an example of this where it's like he he's told me he was like you know I thought I was like 675 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,720 damaged and was just this emotionally avoidant person but like he had this cycle of being like 676 00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:56,320 the avoidant in like an anxious avoidant dynamic and I like came forward to him and granted I think 677 00:41:56,320 --> 00:42:00,400 that like the stars aligned circumstantially to where we were a little bit more like disarmed with 678 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:05,600 each other but like I brought in like more of a secure attachment and also there was just an 679 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:11,680 an innate authentic connection there and so like he was not a boy with me at all it was quite the 680 00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:16,080 opposite like he was he was very secure like if anything if I got a little avoidant he'd be like 681 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:21,760 what are you doing and I was like oh you felt that huh you know like and so it's like your energy 682 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:27,440 impacts so much of what you experience one of the things that Neil Strauss said not in his book 683 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:33,360 the game but in his sort of follow-up book The Truth which sadly was not nearly as popular as the 684 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:37,520 game was and because the truth it's it's a really great book and one of the things that he says and it is 685 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:45,440 trust is a leash that gets longer the less you pull on it that idea of like if you're not constant 686 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:50,240 like you don't get it's literally an energetic push pull thing right it's like if you're not 687 00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:56,080 tugging on someone or constant like validation or like need for security like there it's like 688 00:42:56,080 --> 00:43:00,800 oh hey where'd you like where'd you go like you give them the space to to come back and I want to 689 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,720 also talk about like you mentioned twin flame culture and I'm just going to say it man like twin 690 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:12,080 flame culture

is messed the f up like it is and it's because there are so many I'll just say it there's 691 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,920 so many cults out there because there are so many people who are especially in the dysregulated 692 00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:22,400 times that we are living in there are so many people who are searching for that regulation or 693 00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:27,600 security in a relationship and what they think of as a soulmate relationship and there are so many 694 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:33,280 people who are mistaking that limerence or that feeling of a high for a soulmate connection when it 695 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:38,000 isn't right when it's just like as you said either your trauma's meeting or that spark of attraction 696 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:42,160 or whatever it is because they haven't really experienced what a soulmate connection actually feels 697 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:47,280 like so they're like this must be it because it feels so intense and so there's cult literally 698 00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:54,160 quite literally cults out there that capitalize on that and they're selling and this why it makes me 699 00:43:54,160 --> 00:44:00,800 so angry because I'm someone who has been on the twin flame path and when I started on it gosh roughly 700 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:08,000 10 years ago now I felt like I was out of my mind I've I was getting all these signs about like oh this 701 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:14,160 is the twin flame path you know just just do it and because like everything that I'd saw and read 702 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:19,760 about it in the culture just felt so backwards but what I I'm so very grateful that like somehow I 703 00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,160 learned at least like the theory of it and the theory of the twin flame path of what you're supposed to 704 00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:29,600 do is it goes like okay you meet this person and immediately all like you're wounding and patterning 705 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:34,160 comes up because there is this frequency of love between you but there like things are not gonna work 706 00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:39,600 if you're both in these kind of anxious avoidant polarities and you know you've got to both get into 707 00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:46,080 balance and so you do the inner work you release the patterning that is you know distorting that 708 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,640 sort of soul frequency that we were talking about and they're like and if you get there like if you 709 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:56,640 get to that place then the other person should too because you have that chord between the two of you 710 00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:04,800 and in my experience it doesn't like it doesn't go at the same time necessarily but like but the key is 711 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:10,880 and this is how like as a chaos magician my practice of chaos magic is built on the foundation of the idea 712 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:16,800 that I choose the beliefs that get me the results that

I want and why found with a twin flame path 713 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:23,760 is the only result the only belief that got me to that place of total non-attachment and just 714 00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:29,520 you know worrying about myself was the belief that your twin flame is not necessarily one person 715 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:36,720 it is whoever you attract when you are in this frequency of resonance because you may go through this 716 00:45:36,720 --> 00:45:44,800 the funny thing was jihanna I I got to a place where I'm like actually I don't think that belief is 717 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:53,760 categorically true but it has to be the belief in practice because you can't know if that person 718 00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:59,920 really is that person or not unless you are a hundred percent willing to let them go if you're a hundred 719 00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:05,120 percent willing to be like I'm just going to get there and see I'm going to get there myself and if 720 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:10,640 it's not them then I was wrong about it and it was just limerance and I don't want them if they're not 721 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:15,120 actually that soul connection and the only way to find that soul connection is to get there so I 722 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:20,080 went through phases where I was like oh maybe I'm going through a few different twins who are simply 723 00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:26,880 my mathematical polar opposite of whatever reflection of is like of the work that I've done on myself 724 00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:33,360 and that was the belief that got me to that place and like I'm not right like I'm just say for 725 00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,880 listeners whatever I'm like I'm like not ready to tell that full story yet and also like I want to 726 00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:43,680 focus this on jihanna but I just want to validate the fact that like every twin flame thing that 727 00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:48,480 I saw out there so much of it was just like put there your twin flame you must fight for this 728 00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:57,280 connection I'm like that is the mathematical opposite of what you need to do like yeah so part of my 729 00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:01,920 like part of my whole thing is like going forward into a lot of what I'm going to be doing is like 730 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:07,680 I just want to rewrite the culture's entire notion of what twin flames are and what the path is to 731 00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:11,840 actually do it because it turns out actually if you do it that way like it works one way or another 732 00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:16,960 either they are your twin flame and then like stuff happens or they weren't your twin flame and so 733 00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:21,120 you attract an amazing person from this place that you're in this soul frequency resonance place 734 00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:26,720 of at that point like either way you win you know what I mean yeah exactly exactly like you know 735 00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:32,640

something that I just love everything that you spoke to and I love the term chaos magician like 736 00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:37,520 I'm gonna need to know more about that at some point maybe like oh yeah it just like we choose 737 00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:41,520 the beliefs that get us the results that we want like we measure our beliefs and practices by 738 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:48,240 the results that they get us just that that title like resonates with something in me that I need to 739 00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:59,360 explore for others yeah love it but something that like I feel to be deeply true for me it's like 740 00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:05,280 I know that like my soul came here to do certain things in this life that like I chose before 741 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:10,960 I incarnated in this physical body like I deeply believe that and I both deeply believe 742 00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:17,120 part of like my Dharma in this lifetime for like collective good but also for like what my soul is 743 00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:24,320 meant to evolve into in this life like relationships and romantic relationships are a big part of 744 00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:30,880 that journey and that experience for me and so for me it would never gonna be my path to just like 745 00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:36,320 marry the high school sweetheart you know what I mean like I think my soul's path has been to like I 746 00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:42,880 needed to experience a lot of things to like activate past life with them that I already have and 747 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:48,400 like some of it that was just already innately there and I think my childhood really like activated 748 00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:52,240 because that this is something that like I kind of like channeled if you will at one point which is 749 00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:56,880 you know because also for side context here like I was raised by psychic medium so I also have that 750 00:48:56,880 --> 00:49:05,280 like element of my existence that's like into it but something that I deeply believe is that 751 00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:10,800 like sometimes like we experience things like very early in life that are meant to like turn on certain 752 00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:16,000 things that we've already kind of had in past lives that we've already mastered that are part of like 753 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:20,880 our our soul like just think that we've already mastered an infinite body then they just get turned 754 00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:25,360 on really quickly right and we're meant to have those be active and activated or like whatever we're 755 00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:29,440 supposed to be doing having this life and like you know something that I've seen for example with 756 00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:34,720 that is like clients who I feel like they get initiated in their childhood to be really enmeshed 757 00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:40,000 but I think that like the purpose of that is to activate their intuition to be able to be able to 758 00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,600 like be sensitive to other people's energy but they're meant to keep that sensitivity without the 759 00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:52,080 self abandonment integrate that but something that I have known to be true is that I for me personally 760 00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:58,880 in my own journey with relationships is like the thing that I can that I always go back to is like 761 00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:04,320 I'm going to like listen to myself and like take care of myself and be true to myself and like 762 00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:09,920 myself and love myself respect myself and whoever that like leads me to and leads me away from like I 763 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:15,280 will always fucking trust that and like along the way like I've learned so much like relationship 764 00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:20,640 nuance and complexity around that where it's like okay like you know it's not just a black and white 765 00:50:20,640 --> 00:50:26,560 like oh I healed myself and now like I don't attract like boys or like avoidance or like whatever 766 00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:33,760 anymore it's like people are a bit more complex than that and like you know I definitely believe 767 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:41,280 sometimes it's like we feel called to like stay open to a connection and like as we like stay true 768 00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:46,320 to ourselves like that connection can elevate with us and like you know and there's so much more 769 00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:51,760 like nuance and complexity to relationships like you know maybe you can like recognize the essence 770 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:57,200 of someone who is married but they're not happily married but again that's where we get into some 771 00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:03,360 tricky waters because a lot of the times it's like you know do you actually is that married person like 772 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:10,480 your beloved or is there something in you that is self sabotaged into available connections 773 00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:14,080 and like this person you know in the back of your mind you could never have them 774 00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:18,320 and so you feel compelled to just like drop your wall because there's no real risk you know what I mean 775 00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:22,960 until it's like you kind of have to be able to really really get to know yourself and really 776 00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:30,800 really call yourself the fuck out to be able to navigate like a bit of those complex nuance 777 00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:37,200 waters if you will. Yeah and I love that the path forward for both of those possibilities is actually 778 00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:43,200 the same like you don't have to know when you're in that space of like Russian limorance and whatever 779 00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:48,560 which like I've been there I was aunt that was you know very much you know in the beginning when I 780 00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:52,800 was getting all these signs of like no this is the thing but

you need to work on yourself and you 781 00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:56,800 need to do this path and you need to not focus on this person or whatever you actually need to 782 00:51:56,800 --> 00:52:01,920 patch and get yourself into that place and like honestly I did it just because I was curious I was like 783 00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:10,560 if this if this actually works that's a game change. Yeah and and so the path for but like either 784 00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:14,720 you work on yourself and you're like oh that was just me wanting an unavailable connection or it was 785 00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:21,120 like oh no I did this and actually things shifted and actually like wow I was I was right or whatever 786 00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:31,920 do you see? So I want to ask you also a question what's that? A lot of people like don't know how to 787 00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:35,600 like it's like I feel like when people typically talk about those conversations people are either 788 00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:42,400 like he's a married girl stop you know or like oh yeah like it's definitely be the twin fame 789 00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:50,240 claim to Lulu yes he's the one. Yeah oh my god me too I'm so glad that we're talking about it all 790 00:52:50,240 --> 00:52:55,840 this. I want to ask you a question because I know you and I have like a very friendly complimentary 791 00:52:55,840 --> 00:53:04,640 disagreement and that is on feminine men and maybe like maybe we just have different definitions 792 00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:10,240 of what a feminine man is but for example and I know that like you've talked about like your work is 793 00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:15,600 for spiritually where feminine women like women who identify as feminine and I have a very strong 794 00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:21,200 feminine aspect but I also have a very strong masculine aspect I feel like really pretty balanced 795 00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:27,040 within myself and I'm attracted to men who also have both of those and I'm attracted to women too 796 00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:32,720 I'm bisexual, pansexual, whatever I've been attracted to many different types of people but 797 00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:42,720 the place where I feel really the strongest attractions are to men who have a really strong feminine 798 00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:48,160 and a strong masculine so they compliment me like they they have both of those complimentary things 799 00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:53,680 to compliment me as well and I've seen like sometimes you'll describe like a feminine man is like a man 800 00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:59,600 who isn't capable of taking initiative or like being a leader in the relationship and that's 801 00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:04,640 important to me too like I obviously I want someone who is going to have that sort of strong basis but 802 00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:08,240 there's also times that like I like to take the leader I like to make plans or I like to do things 803 00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:13,440 like that and so I'm wondering um I guess I guess my question is like a bit of a two-parter like first 804 00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:18,560 of all what is it that you mean when you talk about a feminine man in a way that like you're saying 805 00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:24,880 is not ideal in a relationship and then what sort of maybe a but I don't know advice or like 806 00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:31,360 how would your guidance differ for someone like me who has that sort of non-binary nature and is 807 00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:36,560 attracted to people who have both of those sort of masculine and feminine poles? Believe it or not 808 00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:42,080 like you know I know not to like reduce my self-duestrology but um I've got like a lot of 809 00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:49,600 Gemini placements also leoplastements but um I'm a very like curious person who can like really see 810 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:55,760 like the value in so many things and like you know I also have like attraction to women um I like 811 00:54:55,760 --> 00:55:01,440 can it I'm attracted to different aspects of different like qualities and frequencies and men 812 00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:07,840 but to me like what it boils down to and like one thing I want to say before I a little caveat here 813 00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:13,920 is I I'm a lately will don't believe in telling other people like what is their correct 814 00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:19,200 embodiment or in who they are in relationship I think that that is our sovereign 815 00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:25,280 right to know and choose for ourselves um because I'm not here to say like oh like the way that you're 816 00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:30,240 wired or like the way that you that's all that's wounded that's trauma like sometimes it is you know 817 00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:35,280 like I was definitely like in the past when I was younger I was very much just self-abandoning 818 00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:39,760 codependent woman that wasn't me that was that was trauma and then there was times where I over 819 00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,320 compensated into like a hyperindependence and like a more masculine energy if you will where I 820 00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:48,960 always had to be in control and relationships I was making the decision and to appoint that felt 821 00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:53,280 good because I felt my sovereignty and my independence in that that I previously didn't feel inside of 822 00:55:53,280 --> 00:56:02,160 myself but it got to a point where in partnership I felt over like overextended and I was like over 823 00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:06,320 functioning and I think that that's a real issue for a lot of women in like traditional like 824 00:56:06,320 --> 00:56:11,840 heteronormative dynamics where when you think of like the typical relationship dream that a lot 825 00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:16,960 of people will have which is like get married have kids like build a home together you know and then 826 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:23,040

when you start to talk about the labor around a home or like emotional labor in a relationship I 827 00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:29,680 think for women who want something like somewhat traditional in that way feminine energy it embodied 828 00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:36,640 in themselves and like a masculine partner is very important because otherwise that's why that's 829 00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:41,920 where that like statistic comes from where it's like women who get married and have children's life 830 00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:46,720 expectancy goes goes down and for a man it goes up and like correlation is not causation right like I 831 00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:51,840 think it's the underbelly the underworkings that feed into that outcome and for a lot of the times 832 00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:57,360 it's women being unconsciously so conditioned to just like pick up the slack like emotionally 833 00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:04,080 around the home and so there's just certain things that like I think it's especially like when 834 00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:08,240 children are involved like there's just certain things when I witnessed this with my sister 835 00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:12,240 who just had a baby like a few years ago where it's like there's certain things like no matter how 836 00:57:12,240 --> 00:57:16,160 much your partner like wants to help and like wants to have your back and like wants to take 837 00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:21,520 something on for you there's just like biological elements where the child like needs the mom to do it 838 00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:25,600 right where it's like the breastfeeding right like the baby doesn't take the bottle like you know 839 00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:31,600 there's just certain things that like where I think a woman like when she is in that role like wants to be 840 00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:35,360 and I'm not speaking for everyone here obviously but like she wants to be able to be that present 841 00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:41,680 like nurturing available nourishing figure but it's like if she's taking on like so much more 842 00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:48,000 in a relationship dynamic and in a home like she her life force is just being immensely depleted 843 00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:54,400 and so I think that it's like it's really up to you like as an individual to decide you know you 844 00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:59,120 can you can appreciate and like feel attraction for like multiple different types of things but it's 845 00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:03,840 like at the end of the day like who do you want to be and like what is the life that you want to live 846 00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:08,960 and like what partner is really complementary to that and for a lot of women that I've worked with 847 00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:15,200 like around feminine energy it's like they typically have been a woman where they're over functioning a lot 848 00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:20,240 and it's like they they have a hard they have a hard time giving up control and

they often are 849 00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:26,000 lacking trust and respect towards like they're you know towards like the masculine and the relationship 850 00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:32,000 and that has to be cultivated and it's often a past projection of old wounds but I think for men 851 00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:37,280 it's like you know and again like I think I there's people who are just wired a bit differently and 852 00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:41,520 feel called to like live life a certain way and that's fucking great and I think that's divine I think 853 00:58:41,520 --> 00:58:47,040 that's perfect I think that's what you're supposed to do and be in half but it's like sometimes I think 854 00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:52,480 that there are just like women can have wounding the causes them to over function I feel like men can 855 00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:57,680 have and and these are just generalized statements obviously I think men sometimes in my experience 856 00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:04,160 and I've had male clients too and I've also seen how my clients in partnership like their masculine 857 00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:11,120 started to shift as they shifted these energy but it's like I do believe sometimes you know 858 00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:14,800 and there's different factors that go into it it can be like health hormones it can be 859 00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:23,200 trauma but it's like where men like a natally would feel some some men would a natally feel better 860 00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:28,480 like feeling more in this like masculine role if you will being able to make decisions be decisive 861 00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:35,280 take charge and like and handle certain things but they don't because maybe they they don't feel 862 00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:39,760 confident they feel like a bit amatulated and maybe that started young like in their childhood with 863 00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:43,280 their relationship with their mother where their mom was always like jumping down their throat and 864 00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:47,440 they go into their wounded little like inner little boy that's like I'm just shutting down I'm going 865 00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:51,920 to go play video games and go to my room you know like that kind of energy and like like the passive 866 00:59:51,920 --> 00:59:57,680 like people pleasing man who's like whatever you say honey whatever you say honey and it's like 867 00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:03,680 that might avoid conflict but it's not like healthy relationship structure for that kind of dynamic 868 01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:08,240 so I think of a day like to be honest I know I know you said like a plate like a playful respectful 869 01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:13,360 like disagreement like I think we are actually like more in alignment than maybe we thought we were 870 01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:19,120 I think that it's just yeah like a bit more nuance and I just think it boils down to like 871 01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:25,040 personal preference because again like I don't believe because that's like Republican shit to be like 872 01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:29,760 this is how like this is your role as a man that's your role as a woman and if you're not that role 873 01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,480 there's something wrong with you and you need to heal like I don't believe in that like I think that 874 01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:37,920 that's that's our own that's our own like whatever like I don't know you're so calling better than 875 01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:42,160 you do but like if something that I say like Revan needs to see you hell yeah you know I got your back 876 01:00:42,160 --> 01:00:48,800 I can we can we can work on it it sounds like your definition of feminine in this context is like a 877 01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:54,480 feminine man that is in a not so great way is someone who is maybe kind of avoid it's almost like 878 01:00:54,480 --> 01:01:00,480 an anxious avoidant polarity but instead of it being the push pull between like attention and attachment 879 01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:06,160 it's it's the push pull between making effort in the relationship that the woman in some dynamics 880 01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:12,720 like this has to overcompensate for a lot of leadership because the man feels afraid to step up 881 01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:18,160 and it's so funny because when I think of feminine men I think of artists and creatives I think of 882 01:01:18,160 --> 01:01:25,360 like Prince I think of David Bowie I think of men who actually have accomplished incredible things 883 01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:31,360 and like in David Bowie's case was completely devoted to his partner right I think also of like 884 01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:37,840 in more contemporary standards I think of like right now like K-pop is having such a surge you know 885 01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:42,720 in the US like probably thanks to K-pop demon hunters which is such a great movie and I look at 886 01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:47,680 the culture that I like I got so interested in being like oh like this is really neat what's this and 887 01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:55,360 the the K-pop idols like the men who are K-pop idols like they work so hard like the amount of 888 01:01:55,360 --> 01:02:01,760 creativity that they have to put out on such like crazy schedule and everything like that it's just 889 01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:06,880 it's like the last thing that they are is passive right but they have to be sort of like everything 890 01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:10,480 they have to be they have to be hard but they have to be soft and they have to be cute but they have 891 01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:15,280 to be sexy and they have to be all these I'm like and I look at that I respect that so much because of 892 01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:20,720 my former work as like a dating coach I remember like holding myself to being able to be all of 893 01:02:20,720 --> 01:02:26,000 these different archetypes in order to you know to to be attractive and to channel that

into a creative 894 01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:32,560 career is just like it's just such an an amazing feat so I don't think of them in Indian men as 895 01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:38,640 anything about slacking off I feel like it's a cultivation of intuition and a cultivation of 896 01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:43,520 attractiveness in a way that a lot of overly masculine men often don't think about like they might 897 01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:47,520 dress up in a suit they might look good right they might be like yeah football player on the field 898 01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:52,640 people might be into that but feminine men with a strong feminine aspect like they think about style 899 01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:56,880 and aesthetic and like a completely different way and and as a woman I'm like I feel seen by that 900 01:02:56,880 --> 01:03:01,200 like you actually know how much effort I put into myself I'm not just like doing this for someone 901 01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:07,520 who doesn't get it you know so yeah so maybe that's where we ultimately agree we just have different 902 01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:13,440 semantic definitions of what feminine means I think that it is a bit like semantic is a good word for 903 01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:18,000 it because it's like is that feminine energy or is it wound up masculine because like whenever I 904 01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:22,480 talk of clients about like masculine and feminine energy I always go back to the example where it's 905 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:27,280 like we need both right and I think we should all have both inside of us right where it's like the 906 01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:33,040 the feminine is like the intuition she's the flow she's the and I think we should all have like 907 01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:38,160 both right but it's like overall like in the relationship container like the feminine woman takes 908 01:03:38,160 --> 01:03:42,800 on more of these traits and it erbodies more of them in the relationship dynamic but you know 909 01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:48,000 she's the intuition she's the flow she's like the intuitive oracle she's the sealer she's the 910 01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:53,440 presence she's the sensuality she's like in the present moment and then you know and she's like 911 01:03:53,440 --> 01:03:58,160 the river flowing through the river river bank whereas like the masculine is the structure he's the 912 01:03:58,160 --> 01:04:03,680 container he's the river bank that holds the water right and so it's like he might be more of like 913 01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:09,440 the problem solver linear thinker like the the action taker the leader whatever but it doesn't mean 914 01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:13,280 that like she doesn't have those traits and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have those traits but it's 915 01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:17,440 like that's where they kind of complement and support each other really well and then it's like you 916 01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:22,080 know the feminine without the river bank right the water she just turns into a puddle and evaporates 917 01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:27,040 whereas like the masculine without the river like he's just like an ugly dirty ditch right 918 01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:31,680 you know what I mean like so it's like we need both is that right and it's like we all have and I 919 01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:38,240 think we all have like both but it's like I know for me specifically I had a relationship like this 920 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:45,680 where I really got like I really loved like the emotional element to a man like at the time because 921 01:04:45,680 --> 01:04:50,480 I previously only dated like a voida yeah I kind of like went from one extreme to the other in a way 922 01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:55,360 where it's like I felt like I was just being this big like emotional spaceholder and so it's like 923 01:04:55,360 --> 01:05:02,240 to me it was like a fine line between in my own relationship experience of like okay like I love a man 924 01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:08,480 who's aware and in touch with his emotion and and is creative but ultimately his emotion like don't 925 01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:14,080 hijack his ability to like you know keep his eye on the prize to be able to like be focused to like 926 01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:20,480 lead himself in his life to have like ambition to have focused and drive and will and like 927 01:05:21,200 --> 01:05:26,560 goals and you know what I mean and so I think it ultimately does well down to a bit of snitch for sure 928 01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:32,480 but I like I love I love that we're like flushing salad me too oh my god I wanted to like have this 929 01:05:32,480 --> 01:05:36,800 this conversation with you for a while because I know just to my listeners out there like Gianna and I 930 01:05:36,800 --> 01:05:41,120 also like we always joke that like if we ever go out together like we will never compete for 931 01:05:41,120 --> 01:05:46,640 the same man like we're we will be the best wing woman because we have completely very very 932 01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:51,280 different types so we're we're gonna be we're gonna when she moves to LA I'm keeping my fingers 933 01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:56,000 crossed when that day happens we're gonna like we're gonna be the best wing woman ever well I want to 934 01:05:56,000 --> 01:06:01,280 bring on our producer Tomi to ask her question at the end of the episode and we've gone like all over 935 01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:05,520 but I love the fact like I didn't want to stop this conversation even though I try to keep the episodes 936 01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:10,000 around an hour but like we were in flow and it was so great so but now I'll go ahead and hand it 937 01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:15,600 over to Tomi to ask her question yeah I would like to circle back to the like feminine man 938 01:06:15,600 --> 01:06:22,720 masculine woman dynamic and I'd be curious your thoughts on how you think that applies to trans people 939 01:06:22,720

--> 01:06:29,120 like personally I'm someone who I was only able to start accomplishing things in life or like 940 01:06:29,120 --> 01:06:35,440 really put myself in that position of power as I embraced the feminine side that I was often 941 01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:42,240 made to feel ashamed of or I had to suppress so I don't know how much you work with trans clients 942 01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:48,320 but I'd love to know how you think that plays into that dynamic yeah no I love this question 943 01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:53,680 yeah I mean I've had all different kinds of clients over the years you know LGBTQ plus like 944 01:06:53,680 --> 01:07:00,960 all like all the things and what I really come back to is like again like I really really just think 945 01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:07,680 that it's it's up to us to be like our authentic expression of who we are in life and in relationships 946 01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:12,800 and so I don't believe in telling people like you need to be more masculine in this way you need to be 947 01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:19,200 more feminine in that way but it's like I think sometimes if we have like an attraction towards like 948 01:07:19,200 --> 01:07:25,200 I'll use myself as an example like I have always been attracted to masculine men but it's like when 949 01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:30,080 I was younger I had a lot of like abuse through like a masculine father figure growing up 950 01:07:30,080 --> 01:07:37,280 and as a result like I kind of would be like have this push pull with masculine men and so I would 951 01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:43,120 be like I'm just gonna date people who aren't really like giraffed and don't like have this like 952 01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:48,560 authoritative presence because I associated that like authoritative presence with abuse right and 953 01:07:48,560 --> 01:07:54,320 like not feeling safe and so I kind of like went to the optic stream and with like date men that were 954 01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:59,200 very passive and then I would find like oh I'm so like depleted in this dynamic because it's not 955 01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:06,080 it doesn't feel compatible with my like authentic wiring right and so for me like my journey 956 01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:13,040 personally was doing that work too be like what do I really want? Who am I really? And like who's 957 01:08:13,040 --> 01:08:18,240 going to fit me the best ultimately in a in a relationship dynamic you know does that make sense? 958 01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:23,920 Yeah I think so. Okay well if there's anything you want me to clarify just let me know. 959 01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:28,640 And maybe maybe ultimately I think that's like the common theme of what this discussion kind of 960 01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:33,360 wraps up to like especially as we're wrapping up is Tomi that for you like femininity is your 961 01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:39,520 that authentic soul resonance is expression for you so for you like being in your femininity and you 962 01:08:39,520 --> 01:08:45,680 know attracting a partner that maybe mirrors you in a way that is appropriate like for your own soul 963 01:08:45,680 --> 01:08:50,320 like that is a resonant with your own soul and like for me being non-binary the fact that I'm 964 01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:56,880 attracted to people who are you know also like rather androgynous like I am and for Gianna being 965 01:08:56,880 --> 01:09:01,360 someone who is hyper feminine you know again like I was like oh I'm shocked she's not wearing pink 966 01:09:01,360 --> 01:09:05,920 today it's the only time I've maybe seen you like not wearing pink you know to be able to attract 967 01:09:05,920 --> 01:09:11,120 what you want and that at the end of the day it really is about removing the programming and conditioning 968 01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:15,280 that tells you that you need to be anything that you aren't and that when you are in that soul 969 01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:22,000 frequency that's when you do attract the things that are most resonant and bring you the most joy. 970 01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:26,480 Gianna I want to thank you so much for being on this conversation today so anything I didn't 971 01:09:26,480 --> 01:09:30,320 mention before about like where people can find you or what else they should check out of yours? 972 01:09:30,320 --> 01:09:37,360 First of all thank you so much for having me um both of you. Yeah and yeah no I mean the website the 973 01:09:37,360 --> 01:09:43,120 gram um I'm on Facebook as well but yeah I mean if there's anything like in the conversation that 974 01:09:43,120 --> 01:09:47,200 really resonates with you and you want to connect like you are more than welcome to reach out to 975 01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:52,320 me in the DM on any platform that you find me on so feel free to do that. Yeah well thank you once 976 01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:58,800 again for being here and again I am counting down the days till you're in Los Angeles whether you know 977 01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:06,080 temporarily or maybe perhaps permanently for a little while and uh yes exactly thank you so much 978 01:10:06,080 --> 01:10:10,960 for being here today and thank you to all of our listeners thank you for tuning in hope you enjoyed 979 01:10:10,960 --> 01:10:17,760 the conversation and we will see you next time on the Re-Patterning Podcast. Thank you for listening 980 01:10:17,760 --> 01:10:22,720 to the Re-Patterning Podcast. If you're curious about the Re-PatterningProject the eight week course in 981 01:10:22,720 --> 01:10:27,760 mental mastery and creative freedom that inspires these conversations you can check out more details 982 01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:33,440 at theRepatterningProject.com we run a cohort twice a year or you can download the self-study version 983 01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:38,880 of the course and get started today. We also offer a four week course on narrative magic and archetype 984 01:10:38,880 --> 01:10:44,000 titled "Mits and Magic Changing Your Life Through Story" also twice a year. If you'd like to 985 01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:52,400 join our community the Re-Patterning Parlor on Discord you can sign up for five dollars a month at patreon.com/theRepatterningPodcast 986 01:10:52,400 --> 01:10:57,600 thanks to everyone who makes the Re-Patterning Podcast possible. Firstly our award winning 987 01:10:57,600 --> 01:11:03,120 producer Tomi Trembath of the key master collective network of podcasts she also produces trans 988 01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:09,360 sending comics vision in the void and giant sized violence thanks also to animation studio mortis 989 01:11:09,360 --> 01:11:14,640 and madriacs who created the video for our introduction as well as to Andrew Means who composed and 990 01:11:14,640 --> 01:11:19,840 produced our theme music and also thanks to Al Alvarez who took the photos of yours truly that 991 01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:25,120 you see on the cover of each episode if you're watching the video version and finally thanks to you 992 01:11:25,120 --> 01:11:29,920 our listeners who give meaning to this work our greatest wishes that whatever you've heard today 993 01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:35,840 inspires you to live freely and begin creating your reality from the inside out thanks for tuning in 994 01:11:35,840 --> 01:11:37,520 and we'll see you again soon. 995 01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:58,880 [inaudible]