1. Have you ever listened to a motivational teacher to the point where you were ready to make huge changes in your life, but after a couple days you lost all that motivation? Motivational teaching is great for building you up, but where do you go after you come back down? 2. Matthew Bivens joins me and we talk about wisdom and when everything in life is failing.
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00:00:00you are listening to the overwhelmed brain today's episode is brought to you by get out of the mess. Com are you annoyed by affirmations are you tired of that same old rehashed personal growth advice that all seems to boil down to your problems will go away if formation feel like lies and positive thinking feels like denial and I want you to get ready the overwhelmed brain is here to help you create the life you want now
00:00:42hello and welcome to the overwhelmed brain I am your host personal empowerment coach Paul colianni I am here to help you increase your emotional intelligence strengthen your self-worth and self-esteem and Empower you were so that you can make decisions that are right for you everything my desk and I talked about on this show as our personal opinion and it is meant for information on educational purposes only always consult a medical or psychological professional before making any changes that could affect your physical or mental help alright today is a special episode I normally have the Regular Show on Sunday mornings it comes out every Sunday and every now and then I throw in a Wednesday episode with Matthew Bivens and I use another host in the podcast world with a show called having it all and it's a self-help personal growth so very similar to this one and him and I met a little over a year ago in the podcasting space and he had me as a guest on his show and we got a lot
00:01:42great and I really liked what he talks about so every now and then I have him come on the show I think so today is one of those days and I remember talking about this awhile back saying don't worry I'll never replace the Sunday show with one of these co-host shallows and I'm not replacing it but this week I'm actually going out of town and I don't have time to record a second full episode of the overwhelmed brain but I wanted to give you something to wake up with on Sunday morning or for your Monday or Tuesday commute or whenever you listen to this show because you know I want to stay consistent I want to make sure that you're getting your money's worth even though it's a free show just getting what it's worth to you as a subscriber to the show if you're not a subscriber to this show go on iTunes and subscriber go to your favorite podcast aggregator I know Google play iHeartRadio Spotify all kinds of audio Services out there that offer the show you can't even say Alexa
00:02:42play the overwhelmed brain podcast and your Amazon Echo will play I think Google Play will do it too but I only have the Alexa to play with so check it out but the I wanted to give you something like I said on Sunday and this episode is it's really packed condensed a lot of information but we still didn't get into every single little bit of subject matter regarding a letter that I read on the air first part of it we talk about something that I wanted to ask Matthew and I wanted to get his insights on because I have my own insights on wisdom wisdom come from and I wanted to ask Matthew and Matthew is a wise guy in a good way when I wanted to find out is where they get this wisdom you don't have my own thoughts and opinions on where I believe wisdom comes from where am I now I don't like to say I'm the wise one I'll I know that everyone has wisdom in them and where does your wisdom come from
00:03:42and so we talked about that for the first time about 10 or 15 minutes and then we get into a letter from someone that I called Mary and Mary has a lot going on in her life and every now and then I'll get an email that says something like I've lost the love of my life I lost my job or I'm in a crappy job I'm going to town that I hate I don't know anyone that I'm alone and then Mary has all this plus more so there are things are going to talk about in this episode where you know how life just beat you up on every single Road you travel everything you do doesn't work out everything is happening to you you just like you can't stop it's like every time you go down a path that a freight train coming the other way and you can avoid it so I can use things happen to people that you know this is what used to actually take me off about a personal growth speakers and you know the people you see on stage and people you see on videos
00:04:43is that they they said you got to grab Life by the reins and take it over and take full control of your life and do whatever it takes to just plow through your fear it was all motivational but it was never practical it was never applicable I mean sure you can just step into your fear but what are the specific steps to do that and I like to talk about specific step I don't like leaving you in a space of you just going to tackle your fear just step into it because you can get that anywhere you can get that from your best friend you can get that from many popular personal development speakers out there and they can motivate you to the end of the Earth but the only problem with motivation this is like I said take me off is that during the seminar or the teaching or whatever video I was watching I would get pumped up
00:05:40but a day or two after it was over that motivation would be gone and I'll be like well I was of course that's been on my fault I know that's my fault I know that I didn't follow through with all those plans I made two days ago I just you know got unmotivated and I stopped following through and you know after talking to a lot of people about the same phenomenon I realize that it wasn't just me it is a very real thing you go to a motivational seminar and they motivate you and then because they can't follow you everywhere you go and I know you're not in the seminar anymore or you're not in the lesson of the audio or the video that you're watching or you stop reading the book the motivation can Rain Go Away what are you doing now
00:06:36it's like you don't have the steps you just have the motivation so what I like to do is because I've felt lost and abandoned at the personal growth and development Journey that I was on I decided to tackle personal growth from an applicable practical standpoint and really just think about what steps it takes and not just big picture steps like the first thing you need to do is just get the best most positive mine so you can get how do you get a positive mindset and will that even work and will some people go away positive mindset I'm not positive about anything I'm negative so somebody telling me to get a positive mindset puts me in a bad space matter so I can go yeah I could totally see that this is what I've seen with them some speakers out there is that they don't meet you where you are they just try to take you where they want you to get which is good I mean there's something wrong
00:07:36but I like to really try it on with Mary letter today I have this disease and I have this crappy job and I have an alcoholic I just feel bad about myself and I have these fears and all these things that he marries letter that you're going to hear momentarily are very real and when you don't address them and just cover it with all this motivational talk it doesn't always how it sounds like I'm bashing motivational speakers but I'm not I'm really not many out there that I appreciate respect and I've learned from in some ways but I just think that some of them do leave you hanging sometime finish that unfinished business feeling that you leave with that you don't know until the motivation starts to disappear I'm motivated I'm pumped and I'm ready to do this and then 2 days later it disappears you don't have any motivation
00:08:36anymore because the steps to get there seemed a little unreachable or undoable or maybe you don't know this may be the steps weren't even described it's like somebody told me they went to a seminar once in a seminar leader is like you just have to get on the phone and make all the cold calls until you sell this $10,000 just like yes there's nothing about addressing your fee or so is nothing permissive about it is all authoritarian it was this is what you need to do and if you don't do it you're a failure I mean as a message that comes across and also 98% of an audience is going to fail for many reasons but them the 2% that when are going to be the success stories and then everyone's going to think about all that system works
00:09:25again I'm a little ranting right now I don't mean to be because there is a place for everyone in this world and everyone's teachings and some people will resonate with in something but I'm only telling you the difference is in the styles of different teachers out there and the ones you resonate with most are the ones that help you get through the toughest challenges in your life so that you are empowered to make your own decisions so that you can create your own successes instead of having someone give you the road map to success they give you the tools to help you learn he'll grow and evolve from where you are into the person that you want to be so that you can make the decisions that work for you anyway I could go on and on about that I don't mean to but I did mention the the teachings that have people have out there and how sometimes when you
00:10:25you like your left hanging like when you feel like you just didn't get the answers that you're looking for you may think that it's hopeless you may think when I did everything that teacher told me to do it I'm still in this funky place I don't like where I am and I have no way to get out of it that's what happens we have these believe that we believe we have no way out of it I want a way out you know out of what that means the what the negative emotion of the place I'm at in life the results that I have the place I live the person I'm with what can we tackle can look at our lives and go everything's just so overwhelming I don't even know where to begin and that's important we need to figure out where to begin that's why I like to go I like to go where to begin instead of just motivating you to do exactly everything that happens in your life I want to help you start
00:11:24what I would help you take that first step so that when you get that first little step of success you can go on to the next one to start with something small and then you have to start small is always one thing you can start within one thing you can do so if you want to talk about that and we talked about the letter for Mary and how basically everything in her life is really really does more right now and we do our best to help her out now this is also a two-parter so what's going to happen probably is the second part of this show will air on not the following Wednesday but the next Wednesday so about a week and a half from the Airing of this show because I want to continue the conversation with Matthew and him and I meet like once every week and a half to two weeks and then we'll get back to our normal Sunday show next Sunday so with that I'm going to
00:12:24sign off and left the conversation play hope you enjoy it after it's done I'll be back to say goodbye and give you my well wishes thanks for tuning in his Matthew Bivens and I hope you get some Valley from a conversation
00:12:58I know I wanted to ask you something and this is this is kind of not related but it is in a broad sense and I was going to throw this at you you know you have skills you have experience you have you done your reading you probably watched self-help videos you don't know a lot of growth over the years and you've developed the knowledge to help other people and I've said this before if there's there is a wisdom that it also develops underneath that knowledge and inside of you I recognize your wisdom and I want to ask you where you believe your wisdom comes from because it's not from books knowledge is from books
00:13:51where do you can I have my own answer to this as well but I want to hear from you from another teacher in this field we are you believe your wisdom comes from I think that this will be helpful for others as well and it's a big question what comes up for me is something that I was going through a few weeks ago with my own show and feeling this way of responsibility and feeling like okay I'm in this position where I need to be handing people tools that they can go and fix and improve and better and heal their life and after my own searching and talking to people and getting feedback you're really for me a big part of it is going out and speaking with other people and receiving feedback one of the things that I learned that really resonated with me is that people are moved by who I'm being
00:14:45and my my story that I share and vulnerability I don't need to tell them that go do XYZ go follow this blueprint go follow the script Sony talk about you know wisdom and asked me where it comes from I mean part of my response is I just am I just thought I feel moved to continue and and in my own life go towards healing and my own growth and my own transformation and continue continue just to examine what what it looks like for me to live great you know a great life quote unquote successful life and effective life a loving life and Abundant Life and for me just to head in that direction and I've absolutely learned a ton because for me it's been a lot of action I've read a lot of things I've talked to a lot of people I've been in a lot of conversations but I've also taken action in my own life
00:15:45and have stepped into my fears so I think some of that in them to answer questions some of that wisdom comes from having the guts of my own life to just walk into the things that scared the heck out of me had to do it over and over again
00:16:00but if somebody were to sit next to me and say old Matthew I think you're wise please tell me what to do I say
00:16:06that's not that's not what I do I don't tell people what to do I share you know I get inspired by Mary story even if Mary feels like she's got nothing going on and she's at the bottom then she's hit rock bottom they're still pieces of who she's choosing to be that inspire me and so I think there's there's wisdom in all of that, thank you for that I'm going to read me a story in a moment but the the reason I asked that question is because a lot of everyone has wisdom I look at him if I were to break wisdom down into a a technical process I think it would be a the skills that we develop be the experience that we go through see the knowledge that we learn and then taking all those three and finding the underlayer connecting the dots between all those three where you come up with a solution
00:17:03and if you can take those three aspects of the prime or Instinct and things like that it goes through the three or four aspects
00:17:10and connect the dots when someone's telling you a problem and you come up with something that's not textbook
00:17:20and it comes out of your brain as if well have you ever tried to know have you ever thought about doing this it's just something unique something new something that nobody can find anywhere else that very specific answer that's how I see wisdom is that we connect these. Based on our lifetime of all the exposure we've had to all these things but we connect in a way that seems to be I don't know I don't to say Supernatural but it comes from a deeper Place seems to be very subconsciously put together in a way that help someone that is a little too deep so I was I like we said I was having a conversation with a very close friend of mine I consider her very wise so it's great that you ask this question she was talking and she was sharing that people tell her she's able to see the story within the story
00:18:18and she was sharing that when she was an interior designer that was her her career for a while she had her own interior design firm
00:18:27she was taught to see the color with in color so if she's looking at a color yellow she was she was taught and she really she was able to to see the hints of orange within the yellow or see the hint of green so seeing the color within the color sitting the store within the story I think that goes along with how you define described wisdom it's it's seeing what is going on underneath because of the three three three things you said they have the skill-set they have the experience they have the boys there when you said knowledge the knowledge and then maybe the inside but the combination of those things allows you to see that story within the story that's a way to put it and I can understand that perspective it's sort of like instead of breaking something down logically where you have the FAX there's the under layer of the structure of the of that story and what it what does that mean when I when I hear
00:19:27the client talking to me about I'm so sad that someone so left
00:19:32you know we could grasp onto that surface-level story that they're sad that someone left because we can empathize I would be sad if someone left me but wisdom I believe involves you going underneath and going well why are you sad and then they might go up because they left yes but why does that make you sad and then a lot of people are going to say why isn't it obvious and they going to say you know what I had an episode on this well that's a stupid question anyone would be sad that someone left them and I go okay let's explore that stupid question okay why am I said that they left because they're not in my life anymore okay why does that make you sad then we start digging in and that's how my brain works is that I keep Drilling in and rolling and rolling in that even the obvious stuff I like to break apart and and find out what's driving and what's motivating that obvious stuff so that you find out the aura
00:20:32of a problem
00:20:35instead of just going well everyone would feel sad about that anyone could get anyone to go through that would feel bad instead of just stopping there I drill into itself to to answer my own question about if someone were to see me wise I believe I started developing wisdom in my forties was like I never really thought I had it and until I started coming up with things that I couldn't figure out where they came from I don't like what where is that answer coming from that's that's a good answer and you go on my day at work then there's something developing inside of you over the years but I look back and see all my dysfunction that developed from childhood being in a abusive alcoholic home has created all this dysfunction created beliefs and perceptions about the world that weren't serving me and I had
00:21:35failure after failure after failure relationships jobs you name it and I finally decided in my late thirties that I was sick of failing and I came to this place in myself where I go I am just so I can't fail in another relationship and I keep burning out at my job's I can't stand this anymore and I realize you know I look back and realize all of my failures I blamed on some sort of external circumstance so there's my external circumstance that person didn't understand me so they left there's my external circumstances but Mom and I decided to take responsibility and go what am I doing that's causing this thing's I didn't do any of that stuff that's my first you know resistance okay let's break down there was just in some just obliterated and say you know what let's just say I did what can I pass this on my child before what was my
00:22:35enroll in the circumstances because once I know my role cuz that's all I can control then I can start to change my life
00:22:46then I can start showing up differently then I can start working on myself then I know what I need to work on because things can work out pretty well when you get a handle on what's going on in yourself first
00:23:00and I really like that idea and so I decided to take responsibility one day and as soon as I did then I start it in as soon as I realize that hey that persons acting that way how am I contributing to this I want to blame them but how am I contributing to this soon as I started doing that I think my wisdom started I think I think that's where wisdom begins I think we're wisdom begins as soon as you start taking responsibility for your role and all the circumstances of life even when I mean that's where we go with it don't worry sideswipe me I had no control over that well you know you can even take responsibility for being there at that day and time if you didn't leave the house at that day and time it's your responsibility you left the house at the day and time does means your fault just me and you just happen to be in that space and that day and time and there's probably nothing you could have done it any differently on that saying that you could have
00:24:00but what it doesn't start changing the way you think because it's going to be circumstances that come up that you definitely can't control but if the majority of your thinking is I'm responsible I'm responsible for this I'm responsible than the majority of your life tends to work out for the better this is my own thoughts is my own opinion but this is where I believe wisdom starts when you start to take responsibility for what's going on in your life yeah I do and I also think that there's a maturity and you know it with wisdom comes maturity and maturity being taking responsibility that's how I view maturity it's one of your take responsibility maturity isn't getting older I know for myself I was told I'm not mature enough when I was younger to do XYZ and what they thought I was being told as I'm not old enough yet so I had this belief that will K age equals maturity however then I may experience somebody who's
00:25:00older than me who may be acting immature in a in a certain area or perhaps I'm acting immature when I'm around somebody who's younger than me and I'm like wait a minute this doesn't make sense like that that's not how it should be if the logic were to continue so when I think of how you're describing wisdom and taking responsibility I'm thinking of what comes to my mind as well as maturity and I love that you talked about taking full responsibility of your life I think there is a great amount of wisdom for those who adopt that belief because I know that there's other beliefs out there where you know you aren't completely responsible for your life some some other entity or source of power is responsible for the things that happened so I think that's fine for the people who do believe that yeah you know I am responsible that's a that's a heavy thing to take on to say I'm responsible for all of the things that are going on in my life I'm a Creator or co-creator of all the different things like you gave the example
00:26:00the purse on the highway there's a part of me that says well if I'm strolling down the street and lightning hits me was I responsible for that or lightning worth it hit something else and I think we may not always be 100% any control of those external circumstances but you can control and you are responsible for how you respond and how you choose to feel about them in the stories that you choose to continue to spend around this thing so I think that's where all of it comes in with me as well and when I meet somebody who's wise you know for me they are taking full responsibility you know they are adopting and in the end in holding that principle of of co-creation and that inspires me and I also tend to seek those people out for feedback sunlight Hey listen and help me find my blind spot that's what am I not seeing here cuz you obviously have experience and done different things and learn different things in your life so pass that on pass it down here I love that addition because you really pointed out
00:27:00well you know talk about maturity and I think I started maturing in my thirties I started getting to a point I'm really growing up as the adult in me and however you want to take that but inside of me this is how I see I grew up from being this big child most of my life and not really taking things to the point where I think it has to do with responsibility all I want to say like I drew up from being a kid to an adult but really it it I think it is that maturity is part of taking responsibility when your kids don't take too much responsibility I think I'll be completely Invincible no matter what I do you don't place a lot of responsibility on a kid you just it's the maybe they've got some chores so you're responsible for cleaning the dishes or you know things like that you you aren't
00:27:58we don't put tons of responsibility to get some kids are in situations where they do have great responsibilities but it's when we get to the later stages in life where we take on different things but then we don't own the responsibility of those different things and so when I experience those people or an experience that in myself I look at okay well there's some maturity that I can gain in this area for some fascinating conversation though I could probably go on I'm like what you just said about being a kid or what I just said about being a kid and not having as much responsibility and then you talk about it as well but thought where some kids have parents that aren't in a place to parent in a healthy way where the child actually has to become a young parent to their siblings to the parents you know those children develop wisdom fast cuz I think about these children who had to take over as parent had to start cooking had to get a job when they were young
00:28:58there are stories that I've heard where children had to take over the parental responsibilities cuz their parent was drunk absent at the bar and wherever they go and I see these children grow up with a lot of responsibilities and that there's a lot of wisdom in there too but there's you know some children develop fears and they think the world is a scary place and they think they have to control everything in the world because they were so young when all this started again we go on and on with that I want to get to the email that we have and see what we can get through in this on we were talking about Mary thank you for that time at your feedback and your input on that I wanted to know where you were with that because I think that's going to help for helpful for anyone that feels like they don't have control of their life that feels like they can't trust their own instincts their own decisions and maybe they don't think they are wise or have enough wisdom to get through some of the challenges in life
00:29:59I do believe it's a a bigger philosophy that you can develop in yourself that starts to create more wise choices in your life so thank you for sharing your perspective they're absolutely thanks for asking the question is something for me to think about cuz I hadn't been asked that question before so I was curious how are you were going to answer it so your time about Mary and how her letter reflects you know all the stuff going on in her life and failure after failure I mean her words and what what do I do should even know what she's asking so I'm just going to read you some of the condensed version of this and see where we can go with it by Paul we're together we were together for just over two years he ended our relationship a few months ago she's talking about her height to leave her boyfriend this has been an incredibly difficult time for me it's taking its toll on me mentally and physically I live far away from friends and family he was my only support
00:30:59connection I woke up scared because he wasn't with me it was the same feeling as I got as a child when I couldn't find my family that moved across the country to be with him and I had a hard time with the move I thought it was worth it because we both envisioned a future together we were engaged and spoke ear eagerly about having children for once in my life I felt like I had Direction now that is gone and I feel lost he was my best friend we had shared values we were able to let down our guards and be complete weirdos with each other I have trouble making sense of and coming to terms with everything I believe I have been depressed for quite some time before the relationship ever began
00:31:41he never endorsed any of that he wanted me to be independent you would bring his concerns to me I would cry and overanalyze myself but I would never see help he's an alcoholic I felt like the third wheel and his relationship with alcohol he would lie about drinking and being drunk we would argue about it he made me seem like a stick-in-the-mud a judgemental Crusader after our breakup he admitted to me that he had been drunk a lot more times in the evenings and he would blatantly lie when I would question him about it he was also diagnosed with manic depression and we were talking like everything that could go wrong in this person's life I didn't I didn't know what that meant until after the breakup but he had told me he had tools for dealing with it I didn't want to lose him so I set myself up with a therapist I started getting physically sick I lost my appetite I worried so much during this time he met someone and he was texting her frequently I felt jealous and I thought I was going crazy
00:32:40he broke up with me I looked at his phone and then falling in love with each other after the initial argument we were able to talk about it he was messed up and I have to pass with him living together afterward was hard I would cry I would be angry and we would fight we would be fine and eat together and put things will go downhill after that it was a continuous cycle he met other women he fell in love with another woman I snooped on his phone again and I read his journal and I'm disgusted with myself for that I found hurtful things written about me he said they were written in anger mean while he told me he still love me I can never understand how he could say that and still do those things then my health plummeted I was diagnosed with an incurable disease that is physically changed my appearance there are times when I'm in such a dark place I don't know how to get out sometimes I genuinely hate myself and I don't see the point in taking care of myself
00:33:35he seemed fine for the most part you would leave the house singing while I would cry myself sick only sometimes would he break down while drunk and crying he showed me the wine and liquor bottles that he had hidden around the house he confessed to being sober only 3 days in those two months I find myself alone in a city that I would never have chosen for myself working at an unfulfilling job solely for the health insurance I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself so I sit on the phone for hours like I have always done I think she means to buy the phone not sure I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings about everything I tend to dwell on things to the point I don't know which way is up it's like I was happy and excited but I was also not happy we were both unhealthy I blame myself for my part he hurt me and I can't hate him he's supposed to be dead to me but I can't let go I don't know what I'm asking for I'm lost scared and confused thank you
00:34:35taking the time to read this I appreciate the work you do marry
00:34:40okay so Matthew that was like a lot to take in that was just like everything that could possibly go wrong in my life has gone wrong now I've written down some things and I know we can talk about these things and see where we go with it but you know I like to look at someone with all these issues in their life and I ask myself the question if I were this person what is the most major issue that if I were to resolve it would change everything that's a great place to to start your there's a there's a lot. It's alright I look at as a funnel effect like you have one point that if one of those issues changed it would funnel into the rest of them
00:35:30for example if she had a support system would that change everything else can it doesn't like make her happy it mediately but is that like a choking Point like without a support system nothing else seems to work for her I mean that's not exactly where I want to go with this but there is one aspect of that or if she didn't have a disease would that change the rest of her life because sometimes there's something that overlies everything else that if it wasn't there we would think differently would think clearly we would have different thoughts about it but because that's there the rest of our life is affected so this is what I ask clients about what is the most prevalent problem in your life right now and usually I have a quick answer
00:36:21is there's a psychologist this house I tell if that were to change would the rest of your life be at least a little bit more manageable a little less stressful oh yeah if that changed that's like saying you know somebody is sick and they are in an unhappy relationship and such and such and such I said okay so if somebody gave you a million dollars would that change of the uh oh my God that would change everything so they they see all the solutions come up cuz they have more options right and then then we have someone like Mary feels like she has no options so it's like okay we need to start opening up at least one two or three options so that we could start doing little things it's like they ran to the financial guy he said he calls because one of those processes I need to call the debt snowball and I went through it myself and sounds like you're familiar with it where you take the weather right now
00:37:21what happens if you start with the smallest Bill and you pay that off first which is like the complete opposite of what I always thought just as much money as a biggest bill you can that's like let's try to throw as much time energy at the biggest problem in our life first now that start with the smallest one first let's start with that niggling squeaking noise at the refrigerator makes every time you open the door because that's going to bother the crap out of you every single day if you have all this other stuff going on but imagine one morning you woke up and you open the fridge and I didn't make that noise sound like you feel a little bit differently if I think squeak isn't there it's just a tiny little thing but it it's like the smallest little problem you can start on 1st and I I like that too so this is kind of conflict of what I just said but it was the biggest problem if we change it I also like to look at it what's the smallest problem we can change right now which something we can do today
00:38:16that can change. What do you think about that annoys you that Sarah tating that if you changed it might change your feeling throughout the day but I think with someone like Mary if you feel powerless if you feel like you don't have options in and do you feel lost starting at the biggest thing that I mean you just may not be able to do that you didn't you just may not have the note that the the heart the energy whatever to be able to tackle that so starting at the small things I think that's how you end up slowly building that momentum I mean you use the debt snowball as perfect example you started that small thing and you get that small wind just had small win and you know you recognize that feeling that you get a you were able to create that small win and maybe a win that's just teeny tiny and then move to is one that's slightly bigger
00:39:16yeah in the whole idea with with all of that is just building momentum building momentum building confidence building belief in yourself building trust in yourself if you don't trust yourself I mean you're not you're going to end up I think stealing a lot of the way that Mary feels but then you don't have the trust that you can enact any sort of meaningful change in your life so I think that exactly what you're saying Paul you know starting small the small things that you can address you know quickly that you have the capacity right now to to impact into shift in the change and you know honoring that recognizing that celebrating that small when celebrate the win of fixing a squeaky refrigerator the great way to look at it and I see you can tackle it from both ends like I prefer like when you're working on something in yourself to do something that's manageable
00:40:15what people feel overwhelmed I got a hundred things to do and I see a stack of paperwork I just don't want to deal with any of that and so they don't deal with any of it because that's the big that's the big thing and the wildest Akai one piece of paper what can you do with one piece of paper yeah but that's not going to make a dent well what can you do with one piece of paper all right look at it I'll take care of it and suddenly you're one piece of paper less that you may think you never can catch up with everything but you do what you can so we can talk about overwhelming some other episode with that that's the ideas like the Snowballs you start up a small thing but I also help with clients that you know they have one big thing and I I try to understand if it's really that big
00:40:59yeah some people say and I got this problem and it's huge okay let's look at this problem with break this down so is this really the biggest problem in your life or is it something we can work with so anyway what I I can throw on the tablet what I want to do is just read you some of the other note I had on Mary's email and we can kind of go over those if you come up with any thoughts as we go through this so one of the first things that came up for me and just like I said this a multi-faceted we could go as a zillion different directions with this email but let's tackle one thing at a time let's look at one thing at a time in one thing that is manageable
00:41:41and this may not help you married directly today but I want to plant these seeds as food for thought for your future so some of the things were going to talk about will help you today and some of the things that we talked about will help you for future decisions that you make and future relationships that you get into whether it's with this person or someone else alright with that said one of the first things that came up for me he is if you have a Reliance on only your partner for your support and connection and you'll have enough of a strong mental and emotional foundation so that when or if they're not in the picture one day you don't crumble and Wilton to nothing this and I think that's a vital thing is what we bring into a relationship that we're looking for for someone else to fulfilling us if those are really deep on needs inside of us
00:42:41then what we end up doing is relying on our partner to fulfill those needs and it causes the relationship often to feel a lot of pressure that causes the other person to feel a lot of pressure and on that build-up of pressure can get to someone they pick him feel like a overloaded and you know you're you're too clingy and you're too attached to me and you're too dependent on me and where I go with that is before you ever get a relationship like I said this is like future thinking before you ever get into a relationship discover learn about yourself what do you really need from the relationship I think they're things you want but what do you really need that you believe you can't get outside of a relationship because those deepest needs when you come to a Reliance on someone else to fulfill them
00:43:35and that person is not there will you still have it together will you still have a solid enough foundation so when they're not there that you don't like I said crumble and fall and just going to nothing if I think it's so vital to have a solid emotional and mental Foundation before you get into a relationship a lot of us we don't we don't build a strong enough Foundation inside of us which involves spending time with ourselves without someone else in our life or even when someone else is in our life spending enough me time to build ourselves to nurture a self to support and love ourselves to the point where we bring the healthiest version of ourselves into a relationship and when we do that and we find a partner that also does that I believe the relationship in Prosper and last a long time but if I bring my deep desires and needs and I can only get them fulfilled from you and even you bring your deep Desires in these I can only get them for Phil from
00:44:35what else do you develop a highly codependent usually dysfunctional relationship because we're needy were grabbing from them were sucking the time and energy from them until the best look like one of the first things that comes up for me what you think Matthew I absolutely agree I actually had written down the foundation as well and I know what it feels like to be dependent on somebody and that was one of the things that I know that's really stood out to me and in your letter very when placing your happiness and your stability and your joy and your peace in a person who is unstable unhealthy you know that's very dangerous and I know I believe you know that cuz you're experiencing and you have experience that you know the challenges with how do you how do you break that how do you get out of that so you know the two things that stood out from what you just said Paul where the foundation and then that creating that dependent
00:45:35State and those things are dangerous one of the consequences of that I think is what is what Mary is experiencing all of the stuff another one that came up for me was this idea and I've said this before and other conversations we've had Paul and setting standards and holding those standards you know I got a lot of self-worth you know unworthy types of vibes from from the email you know not worthy of something different something bad or something healthier and no I was thinking how do you cultivate self-love and self-worth well you do it by taking care of yourself in a firm in yourself and having your dressing taking pride in your appearance and eating salads you know those types of thing but it wasn't until I was it was shared with me by by my mentor this idea of creating and holding standards for yourself and I think for for you marry
00:46:35even if they're small standards
00:46:38you know of how what you will allow you know how you allow other people in your life to treat you
00:46:45what you will accept and what you won't accept and a no again you can start small and build your way out but there's something that that happens when you create those standards but then you hold them when you stand up for yourself and you hold those standards you build the sense of trust within yourself you build a sense of worthiness within yourself and I think that's where that sell flow but that's a practice of self-love and that was something that I think will you know if if we go back to the Paul what you said and you a few minutes ago what is one of those big things that if you were to impact this one thing it's going to have ripples it spread everywhere I think it's that self-love self-worth conversation now I'm in the question that comes up as well how do I do that how do I cure myself how do I love myself and you know you listen to this show you this in the Matthew show you do your own self help you go to therapy
00:47:45and there's one thing I talked about I'm going to talk about it momentarily but I'll just say it now like you mentioned your your disease you know it feels very lonely to have a condition because typically your condition isn't shared by your neighbors and your close circle of friends so you feel alone so you developed this condition so what are you do you know I'm a full support of group support when you find a group of people that are going through the same thing you're going through just like I'm a full supporter of hey if you have a hobby join a group of people that also like that hobby like there are all podcasting groups that Matthew and I could attend in meetings in the room where we meet new people then there is yell personal growth seminar as that we can go to meet new people because it's in our area of interest but I'm pretty sure that if I had some debilitating disease I would want to know more about it which means I would want to connect with people who are going through it just
00:48:45I got a a like if you or your ex went to AA and he he's connected with people that are going through it those are the people he's going to be able to resonate with and share his struggles with so I do like the idea of when you feel like there's no one that can understand you you can find someone that understands you they may not be in yet you feel alone because not in your close circle on your family not in your close circle of friends but so you have to actually take some time and effort to find these people and and try to connect with them and in some way shape or form. The only way but that helps you not feel so isolated because isolation I mean which one of the big fears a lot of people have oh yeah like one of the things that I also wanted to mention in this Mary is that you from what I can tell in your letter you brought in a fear of abandonment
00:49:42into the relationship now isn't one of those things that you think about me go look at one of my deep needs one of my fears what am I bringing into this relationship because whatever you bring in and usually amplifies and usually really shows itself as soon as like the honeymoon phase is over because during the first couple months of the relationship you're showing up for each other every minute of the day you want to see each other everything is fantastic but if you have that underlying fear of Abandonment that's going to show itself if you have an underlying fear of rejection that's going to show it so if you have low self-worth issues and one day he doesn't say I love you back one day he doesn't compliment you when he's complimented you every other day
00:50:29that happens it's going to happen in the relationship you have to look at what you want to receive and what will slow down because everything finds a settling point so if you do have these fears inside of you and you bring them into the relationship you have to know how much they will amplify as the relationship settles down and when you have this knowledge inside of you then you know what to work on you go I have this fear of Abandonment or where does that come from I talked about this and many episodes you can look at the past episodes of fear of rejection pair of Abandonment let's explore that let you drill into it let's find out what's underneath it let's keep going in there and then you find out when I was 6 years old my mama to the store and then come back for three hours
00:51:19I felt abandoned and then from that point on I had a belief that when somebody leaves it because they don't love me I mean we make these things up when we were kids we just if you think that's a real that we're not lovable that we don't this way. That and sometimes things are real them now we have to deal with that all these things lead to some sort of origin so and I see this year of know whatever fears you're bringing into a relationship and it it can certainly be exacerbated and Amplified in that relationship yeah. You know the relationship is going to shine a light on those things cuz you know they're going to create different circumstances and and then if you're in a relationship and you getting married or having kids that just exacerbates all those things as well but the berry you know I don't remember if we were actually recording When I said this Paul
00:52:13when I first read your your your letter I wished I could have been in the room with you to simply just put my hand on your shoulder because there's a lot that you're going through and it does not sound like fun it sounds like it's it sucks and you know I would love to be able to sit here and say do XYZ think XYZ and then you'll feel XYZ
00:52:38but sometimes I feel like that's not my place you know maybe the if I'm just trying if I'm forcing myself to give any sort of advice it may not even be helpful so consider this though the virtual hand on the shoulder I feel for you Mary I really do really do and you know sometimes I think when we get knocked down to the very very bottom you might need help to get you to stand back up to then be able to receive some of the the messages that Paul or myself or anybody else are giving to you but that's where I think you know understanding I need help I'm I'm not able to pull myself up right now by myself and Paul you mentioned having that support structure that Community know maybe it's a professional decided individual who can help just get you from that you know feeling like you're on your back so now you're on one knee now you've got your feet under you and now you're standing up straight
00:53:38okay why we got to standing up straight maybe we can take one small step for what I like about everything that Mary is going through even though that's a weird thing to say but I'm going to say it what I really like about it is that when you get to the bottom there's nowhere else to go I mean you're at the bottom and I I look at it as like a metaphor like when you dive into the deep end of the pool and you're holding your breath in your swimming down you're so mean on your holding your breath and you don't think you're going to make it and then some new hit the bottom of the pool and now you have to breathe what's great about being at the bottom is this you can push off the bottom and go and go to the top again because the bottom is the push off point it is the breakdown Before the Breakthrough and when you get to that place a breakdown where everything goes wrong
00:54:29it brings you to a space of I just don't care anymore sometimes I can do this I just don't care anymore there's actually a lot of freedom and not caring operation that happens when you just don't care anymore I just don't care you know what I use this sometime Bring It On Universe Bring it on I just don't care and that things are happening you like I just don't care and you reach this new place of not caring and then rebuilding because the not caring to break down human least the not caring and then not caring leads to something new a new perception people's lives have changed completely they do things completely different this is why you see like when many women will go through this I don't know about men and women will get a divorce they're finally divorced and now they they reach the bottom there is a divorce was like the build-up the build-up to you know going
00:55:29down to the bottom of a pool holding your breath waiting for trying to get trying to breathe and then finally the divorce is over and they rebuild their life they they get in shape they change their hair they and I'll get a new wardrobe everything changes about them and then the husband or ex is looking at them going what why aren't you this way when we were married it but it's because they reach that break down point where I just don't care anymore cuz of problems or whatever and their life changes so they they racist new space inside themselves so I like that I like that everything is going wrong I hate to say that cuz it Doesn't I don't mean to say that carelessly but you know when I was in the Arizona desert my car broke down I reach the ultimate state of panic not knowing what to do as a thousand miles away from home with no money I was reaching my breakdown I thought I was going to die this felt that awful inside of me
00:56:25and I got to the point where something shifted inside of me were I don't care Universe you know what I don't get the coyotes come and eat me I just don't care and boy that felt liberating I felt more at peace in that moment then I had it in so long and I was able to get out of it my my head cleared up my fog cleared up so Matthew we are running out of time and we may have to turn this into a two-parter cuz a bunch of other notes we have in fact when we do that why don't we end this show on a single know I'm on a different know I'll bring up and then we'll make it a part 2 for the next show and then we might be able to come to the other letter as well if you're cool with that sounds great great Mary I'm going to turn this into a two-parter right now next time I do not talk will finish the rest here because there's so many facets of this that other people are going through as well and I just want to make sure that we get all this information out there so if anybody else is experiencing any of this cuz this each and every single
00:57:25can point is an episode in itself so this is a lot of stuff but let's end this show on the Letting Go part because one of the very last things that you wrote was I'm just read it I blame myself he hurt me and I can't hate him he's supposed to be dead to me but I can't let go if I were to break all of this down and go watch the choking Point here of the funnel the funnel that we could make everything better if I could let go with them with that clear my head up would that allow me to think that I'm paying more positive way more optimistic way about everything going on in my life if I could just let this go and that typically can't happen a lot will become obsessed we're always thinking we always want them we want them back so you say I don't know what I'm asking for him love lost scared and confused so
00:58:21here are my notes on letting go and I'll and I'll ask Matthew the same thing letting go of someone involves healing what it is in you that requires them to be in your life in the first place so when I think of letting someone go I ask myself what's missing when they aren't there what's missing in my life when that person isn't there
00:58:44and I must say you say someone to hold me when it's a good one right someone to hold me that feels good what I'm going to do is you know if I'm going through this myself his ask what does someone holding me give me
00:59:02so if if the the words came up what am I missing when they're not there was someone to hold me okay what does someone holding me do for me haha I might say a feeling of safety and love I'm going to drill into that and go okay what does feeling safe give me
00:59:20well I might ask that question then go well and feeling safe gives me a sense of comfort and security but I'm also going to take the word I come up with and inverse it in the same okay I like feeling safe so what am I to do is inverse and go okay where a my life do I feel unsafe
00:59:41regardless of who's in my life because if that person is in my life I suddenly feel safe which means I must feel unsafe it with them not in my life so we're in my life. I feel unsafe this is what we don't typically explore the inverse of what were what we get from the relationship this helps you understand where the pain originates where the hurt where the wounds are inside of you
01:00:07I feel loved when this person's in my life I feel important let's inversa wear in your life without them do you feel unloved
01:00:18cuz I'm going to bring some stuff up and this is the stuff that we need to work on because why do we want them back in our life is because we feel there's something missing there or we feel like we need to enhance something that's not enhanced enough for your there's a lot there's a lot of reasons but when it comes to these needs or fears where a my life do I not feel important
01:00:44because if if you say well I don't feel important at my job what would happen if you showed up one day and you felt important at your job but that change things a little bit Mustang that you won't still miss this person but would that change things a little bit you start playing the scenario differently
01:01:00so what does being love to give you let it let me know an important okay where in your life do you not feel important where do you feel unimportant you know we ask these questions of ourselves to break it down to find out where we're going with that any thoughts on that Matthew I think you did a great job for me what comes up with the idea of letting go is we believe that's a lot of what you said that when we let go of this thing this person this idea we're going to go without and it's just you know putting my my sense of peace or my sense of comfort in that that external in that person as I think the exercise that you just outlined is is great it's brilliant to be able to to look at that thing that you're wanting flip it around of the inverse and then ask yourself that question back you know where am I where am I feeling unsafe and and going through that exercise and you know I think that I'm sometimes I know from me doing exercises like that felt silly
01:02:01a few hours ago before you and I jumped on a call Paul I was going through this process with my mentor where he's taking me through where to call the 7 guidelines and at the end of this whole process for creating a new mission statement for myself personal mission statement and one of the things is to really examine my values make a big list of values to find them prioritize them collapse a few into each other yada yada and it was processes like that that I had many a different points in my life did not see the value in doing it just felt like you just sort of go through this thing and it's who does that who literally sits down and write out their values and write that what they mean to you and all this and that and so
01:02:49when you were explaining your process of how you can really understand what's going on with those fears are when you're hesitant to let go of something you know it Mary if you were at all hesitant to go through the process there is a lot of magic that happens through understanding you know when you go through those processes so I don't have anything to add to your process Paul because it's it really is great but I really I just want to emphasize what can happen if you allow yourself if you you know just have the courage to to give it a try to do a little bit of that that deep-diving cuz I can be scary
01:03:30you know you're examining things that are obviously highly emotionally charged and you know there's consequences to letting go right and you're examining things and and you might be confronted yours you're going to be confronted with with different ideas different beliefs you'll see that certain beliefs haven't been serving you
01:03:51and then you're going to be presented with a choice you know how do I continue with this belief or do I let them believe go you know and it kind of it just goes it continues in that way so the work can be scary however I've always experienced magic and growth and healing at the other end of it and I always like to use analogy I do like cleaning at my house and so when I look at my stove top after a full day of cooking the stovetop will have all this dried fraud on it stovetop is super dirty and then when I pull out my bottle of cleaner and spread on the stovetop gets it visually it looks even dirtier it went from being dirty so now I tried to clean it and it gets very dirty however it's like cleaner that helps to break things up and then I can wipe it away and I could wipe it away much easier so it's the process I think that you outlined Paul that you know your life might look messy this relationship
01:04:51I look messy and going in and examining those things may make it look even Messier you might feel during that process that this is not worth it like I'm even more depressed now I feel even like I have less options but that's part of the process it's a great metaphor and it's like breaking apart what's going on in your life because I used to have really firm grip knowing quote knowing what's wrong in your life I know it's wrong in my life and I know what caused it and this is knowing limits your thought processes to reach an outcome because you know it's so well that you also quote know that there's no solution yeah and when you in your stock in that it's like having that cleaner on the stove it's just a medicine is just no way I'm going to clean this up and then
01:05:42one day your show like this or you figure out some something about yourself just like when we break it down and so the inverse that was talking about you learn some origin will you learn where the stuff is coming from inside of you so you can work with that. I love working with the origin of things when we can find it sometimes but sometimes they the origin pops up like what this is really about you know I've had this a good example I've had abuse clients they've experienced a lot of abuse you know and a lot of them have less anger toward the abuser
01:06:21and more anger toward the parent that didn't protect them and it is it is wild because that person abused you and I don't say this but this is I thought processes that people would have that person abusing you should be pissed off at him and they think they should be and that's where their thought is that what they know that's their quote knowledge but they don't know is that oh my god I've actually been holding onto the anger toward my mom because she should have stepped in and protected me
01:06:52people hearing this right now might be thinking oh my God that that's me right now I mean just might be new information to some people but this is what happened is that we hold on to these thing things thinking that we know what the problem is when it turns out to be something that we weren't even thinking about original our thought processes to go there yeah so you write something down is or something want to add there now just underlining and emphasizing the importance for me I use the word I know and I'm knowing I've shifted that over the years to understanding because I can I can constantly understand things in a new way so I know how the next level I understand the next part of this I understand where I'm at yeah cuz that knowing if you didn't know if you know this to be fact if you know this to be law it takes some effort some for some energy to break down that knowing I mean like you might have to put some work into should get through that knowing
01:07:52it could be so solid but if you just look at it as this is what I understand today and I'll wow okay I understand something different I think that's a little bit more up in the sky stuff but I just that's how I tend to think about it that helps me because I can be stubborn in my spinal cord knowing I thought I loved her you just said because it goes along the same philosophy that I carry talk about in the sky stuff I think of all the big picture of the things I know or the things I learned the big picture is I have this philosophy than I tell myself as soon as I go okay I know this I know this for a fact as soon as I say that I followed up with but I'm open to being wrong about it and as soon as I do that it keeps my mind open doesn't shut the gate on it as soon as you shut the gate on something then you know you're you're you're you're limiting your ability to find a solution if it
01:08:52problem so I I love this in my own thing I love following up any I know like I believe this so much that I'm willing to bet my life on I'm willing to bet a paycheck on it and I'm open to being wrong about it so it's like I have it at some people look at that angle why don't you have farm Belize absolutely I have a firm belief until it's proven wrong so when I go I'm going to have this Revelation to approve me on well I'm going to end the shell Matthew I'm going to say one thing that you said and I emphasize it and it had to do with them standards that you mentioned earlier and values that you just mentioned Anna with Mary I would really love her too I really love you to do this Mary he is to write down your ideal relationship these are the quality and criteria of my ideal relationship he must do this or she must do that or whoever you want to date this person must be honest this person this person be no business in this going to have all these must haves and you can put a list of
01:09:52person must not you have a list of must not have now this person I sent you don't smoke or drink or someone comes over and then you're going to have a list of the third one would be nice that would be nice if you would multi-millionaire about sticking to your guns because the fear in us especially have a fear of Abandonment fear of being alone those beers if they dictate your decisions if they move you in a direction if your fears motivate you to go a certain direction to make certain decisions then you're not basing them on your values or your standards you're basing them on fears and when you base your decisions on you usually end up with something that doesn't serve you that something that causes problems but if you base your decisions on your standards these are my standard these are my values these are my criteria
01:10:52if you base your decisions on that then you're always moving in the right direction and this is what we talked about earlier you're taking responsibility you are taking responsibility for what happened to the relationship because you said I will not accept anything less than what I've written down here than what I've come to have in my standards as my criteria so thank you for mentioning that Matthew and thanks for joining me today you can find Matthew at the having it all podcast and also the other podcast he does the home birthing doing it at home podcast as well and we have moral so much more to talk about in this Matthew thank you for your time today it the next time we get together I'm going to go over the rest of these are bullet points that I wrote down and we'll see where you can get to I did kind of take a little bit of the beginning of the call asking you about the wisdom stuff but I think it was an important topic as well because I think Mary can understand this at the deeper level and anyone listening to
01:11:52grasp onto some of the things that we talked about so again thank you so much Matthew Paul thank you I appreciate the opportunity to speak to Mary and speak to you and and continue to learn from your wisdom and to just share whatever I can with Mary and your listeners and I look forward to addressing the rest of this powerful letter and continuing the conversation with you thank you I appreciate it my friend thank you so much
01:12:39all right thank you so much for tuning in to the overwhelmed brain I appreciate you I'm so grateful that you listen to the entire way through got to this point and I hope you get some value from it like I said we're going to address that what are probably in about a week and a half from the Airing of this show so tentative and if you get a chance and for you marry if you're listening hang in there there's a lot going on in your life and I'm going to do what we can to help you through it like Matthew said you know this is our virtue alarm coming out to put it on your shoulder saying yes I understand I get it thank you for sharing that I'm here to listen I'm here to support you that's how I feel that's a great way to look at it thanks for joining me again thanks to Kevin MacLeod incompetech.com for some of the music transitions in the overwhelmed brain and Michelle like I always do want you to keep your mind open and step into your power so that you can be firm in your decisions and actions and that'll help you create the life you want always
01:13:39take steps to grow and evolve you are powerful beyond measure in above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you
01:13:50you are amazing

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