Full Transcript for Boundaries with toddlers: gentle parenting, codependency, and parenting strategies for real life

we were in one-on-one, or if we were in a group, or if we're in like a smaller scenario where I can ask her lots of questions. 00:04:53.199 --> 00:05:02.079 And so I'm gonna take this podcast to really slow down the process because in that moment, the response that I gave was very formulaic. 00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:04.800 It was very like, here's what to do. 00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:08.240 And I actually really hate giving moms that response. 00:05:08.399 --> 00:05:11.519 And so I had this feeling, I'm gonna use the word guilt. 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:27.759 I had this like icky feeling of like, I actually don't like how I responded because that's actually not in alignment with my values and how I want to coach and how I want to support moms, because there's so many places where you can go to learn the formula of parenting, to learn what it is you can do. 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:48.079 But I think this is one of the most problematic things for women and for mothers is that there are very few people who are teaching mothers how to know what to do on their how to feel in their own bodies, their own agency, their own values, their own relational goals with their child in the moment what you do might change. 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:51.600 In one moment, something might feel really, really good as a response. 00:05:51.759 --> 00:05:55.600 And and the reasoning behind those responses is what actually matters. 00:05:55.839 --> 00:06:05.839 So my whole work in the world is teaching mothers how to make those decisions for themselves and how to feel that. 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:10.160 So let's talk about toddler boundaries, having boundaries with your toddler. 00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:16.319 But as I'm saying toddler, this same foundational principle works for any age and any stage. 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:24.160 And I'm actually finding this is very, very true for the tween and teen years because it feels it feels a little similar to those toddler stages. 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:30.720 It's a whole new level and whole new set of rules, but the foundational principles really still apply. 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:43.600 So coming back to there's two different things happening in this toddler season, which is that your babe you are starting to have this healthy disassociation from your child. 00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:51.439 And what I mean by that is for the most part, when when you have a baby, you are over-associating with that baby. 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:58.720 Your mental, emotional, physiological energy is focused on what the baby needs and meeting those needs. 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:01.199 And it's not always you who has to meet those needs. 00:07:01.279 --> 00:07:06.800 Hopefully, ideally, you have other people in your life who can also meet that baby's needs. 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:09.759 But you as the mother, the baby needs you. 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:15.920 And so it's your it you take it on usually as your job to make sure that baby's needs are getting met. 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:28.720 And then, and then again, we're not going to focus so much on this postpartum period because it is this is one of those reasons why so many women like they say, I don't feel like myself anymore. 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:31.600 It's because you literally can't feel yourself. 00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:42.480 It it's not, it's not a it's not a phrase, it's not a cute saying, it's not, it's not this ideological thought, like, I feel like I can't feel myself. 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:46.079 It's like, no, you literally can't feel yourself somatically. 00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:54.639 You aren't in touch with your sensation and your lived experience of life because you are paying attention to what this other person needs. 00:07:54.800 --> 00:08:07.759 Your energy and your focus is going out towards this baby, and you've lost the sensory, emotional, energetic experience of how you are moving through life, what you need, what you want, what you like. 00:08:08.399 --> 00:08:12.399 And not every woman has this experience, but most do. 00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:20.480 A very good portion of people do, even if you are very healthy and there's a whole range and scale of how much women have this happen. 00:08:21.199 --> 00:08:30.160 But what happens in the toddler season is you start recognizing, you start naturally saying and feeling, what about me? 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:32.000 Where am I in all of this? 00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:34.000 One, because you're in a different season. 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:39.600 This baby, their needs aren't as urgent, they're not as intense, and they're not as biological, right? 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:48.080 The things that they need from you stop being so much physical and they start being much more emotional, relational, and skill building. 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:51.919 So they're no longer just looking to you to biologically meet their needs. 00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:02.000 Now they're looking to you for things like emotional regulation and problem solving and relational issues and how to be a healthy member of society. 00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:04.080 So it's a whole new level of hard. 00:09:04.159 --> 00:09:22.000 So that's happening in the mother and in the toddler because how many, how many women enter a season where all of a sudden their sweet little baby is saying no, is hitting them, is biting, is pushing all of these things that the baby starts to say, I am autonomous. 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:23.519 I am not you. 00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:24.559 You are not me. 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:27.600 And that baby, hopefully, ideally, is still attached. 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:29.600 This toddler is still attached to you. 00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:40.799 They still have this relational safety, they still have this connection to you, but they also start to practice, find, and feel out where do I end and where do you begin? 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:42.720 Where do I begin and where do I end? 00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:45.039 And

where do you end and where do you begin? 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:46.480 What are my boundaries? 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:47.919 What is it that I want and need? 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:51.440 And how is that different from what you want, need, and expect from me? 00:09:51.679 --> 00:10:07.120 And this is terrifying for so many mothers because so many women, whether you ideologically agree with it or not, most of us were conditioned in a society to believe that it is our job as parents to have our kids comply. 00:10:07.519 --> 00:10:14.879 Now, this is not every woman's experience, but my experience was that I had a toddler who it didn't matter what I did, they would not comply. 00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:18.159 And I was trying to do this whole gentle parenting thing. 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:26.879 It was so confusing for me when I had this toddler because I was split between this new whole idea of gentle attachment parenting. 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:36.240 I really wanted to be this conscious mother who, like the old way of like spanking and punishing and making the child comply, it just didn't sit right with me. 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:39.919 It wasn't just like a fear of being an authority. 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:41.360 I wanted to be an authority. 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:45.840 I wanted to create safety, but I also didn't want to crush her will. 00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:52.320 I had this desire of like, I want this child to grow up, knowing her strength, knowing her autonomy. 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:58.879 I want her to grow up, having a voice and an opinion and knowing that that matters and being completely unapologetic. 00:10:58.960 --> 00:11:02.799 Well, what I didn't realize is that I would be her training ground for that. 00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:07.120 So now it became this battle of wills, and I would lose every time. 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:08.159 Right. 00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:14.480 When my kiddo was a toddler, I was very, I was very much in fawning and codependency. 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:18.159 And what that looked like is I was attuning to her. 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:22.559 I needed her to be happy and healthy in order for me to be okay. 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:30.960 And so when she would have fits, when she would have anger outbursts, when she would have this normal range of emotions, it triggered me. 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:38.879 And so now I'm mirror, I'm either mirroring her or I'm trying to stifle her because I had fear of the normal, healthy human experience. 00:11:39.600 --> 00:11:51.200 And, you know, without getting too deep into my own personal parenting experience, I just think there's so many women who they enter the toddler stage and all of a sudden they go, Oh, this is a different season of motherhood. 00:11:51.440 --> 00:12:05.759 And same thing when your kids get into elementary, and like I see a another big parenting shift that usually happens right around six years old, it seems like, where all of a sudden they're not little kids,

but they're not quite big kids yet either. 00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:13.120 And you start having expectations for them and they start having even more autonomy and they start, they start having big kid problems. 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:15.600 This is no longer little kid problems. 00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:17.759 And I'm talking in a lot of generalities. 00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:32.960 I think if you have a kid who has special needs, or maybe they have a mental or physical health condition, you're going to experience different timelines of things, or you might experience things earlier or later, or you might have it at a different intensity. 00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:43.519 And so I just want to name that that I'm talking about some general experiences, but by no means does this mean it's quote unquote normal or this is what you should expect. 00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:58.000 But there's a big shift in toddlerhood, usually at six years old, and then around that 12 to 13, and again at that like 15, 14 age is what I'm learning in my own experience, and then also through working with other other mothers. 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:15.120 So there's these different stages where your roles, relationships, and boundaries with your kids have to change because the rules of your relationship and your dynamic are shifting, and you start realizing what is yours and what isn't yours. 00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:21.919 So when you think of parenting, I really like to think of parenting as leadership. 00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:33.519 So the question I get all the time, right, is my two or three-year-old, they want snuggles, but I am so overstimulated and then touching me feels like nails on a chalkboard. 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:37.840 I feel cringy, I feel overwhelmed, I feel overstimulated, and I don't want snuggles. 00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:39.919 How do I set a boundary with my toddler? 00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:44.559 Again, in the moment, I don't necessarily know if I love the responses that I gave. 00:13:44.639 --> 00:13:46.480 I hope they were really helpful for those women. 00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:54.799 I hope it gave them permission and empowerment and at least an idea of where to start of something different they can try. 00:13:55.120 --> 00:14:08.399 But if I were to go back and if I were, and you know, I'm recording this message essentially for them, or if this is you, of I want you to put yourself in the position of a leader with your toddler. 00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:10.399 They are no longer a baby. 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:14.080 And so your positioning and your role and your relationship, it is changing. 00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:17.679 That's not just in your head, it's shifting and it's changing. 00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:20.639 And what used to work isn't working for you anymore. 00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:35.120 And I think what's really, really hard is depending on your dynamic with your baby, depending on your personality, depending on what you're doing for work, depending on your capacity, your mental, emotional health, your relational, what you desire. 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:40.399 Each woman desires something so completely different in this season, especially in toddlerhood. 00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:53.039 This is a season where there's a lot of women, there's a lot of moms who start remembering their ambitions and their joys and their pleasures and identity outside the role of parent, outside the role of mom. 00:14:53.279 --> 00:15:00.320 Some women have been carrying and navigating that weird tricky balance of holding both at the same time this entire time. 00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:07.840 Some women thought they wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and they get to this section of parenting and they're like, huh, this isn't this. 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:09.919 I want more, I want different. 00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:19.440 And so the way that you respond to that toddler in the moment, yeah, I can give you some really helpful ideas of what to do. 00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:21.840 And I'm not going to list those here. 00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:26.799 What I want to focus on instead is how you know what to do in that moment. 00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:30.720 So I want you to start thinking of yourself as a leader. 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:36.080 And what I mean by that is you need to feel a couple different things. 00:15:36.320 --> 00:15:42.159 So, one, you need to be able to feel the separation between you and your toddler. 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:55.519 The next time your toddler is throwing a fit, the next time they want snuggles, the next time they want or need something for you, just feel the separation between what is them and theirs. 00:15:55.759 --> 00:16:01.120 What are their feelings, what are their emotions, what are their wants and needs, and what is what is you? 00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.960 Can you feel you in that moment? 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:07.279 Do a body scan. 00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:11.200 Check into what do I want right now? 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:13.600 What do I need right now? 00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:16.000 Check into your consent. 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:19.679 Do I want to hug them right now? 00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:24.320 Do I have capacity to hug them right now without resenting them? 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:24.720 Right. 00:16:25.679 --> 00:16:28.639 Consent is not just yes and no. 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:34.240 It's this full range of experience of I don't want to, but I want to want to. 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:45.120 Or I don't have the desire, but I have the capacity and I'm willing to do this because relationally it aligns with my values to respond this way. 00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:51.039 And this is where it gets so hard in toddlerhood is you have to start feeling for you. 00:16:51.759 --> 00:17:00.720 You as the parent, you have to start prioritizing that that baby's needs, that that baby who's not a baby anymore, they're a toddler. 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:15.519 You you have to start creating this discernment, this

adult maturity that takes responsibility for how you choose your own agency, you choose how you respond. 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:19.119 You have agency to say yes or no. 00:17:19.359 --> 00:17:22.079 That toddler is not the leader. 00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:29.759 You cannot give them, you cannot give this toddler or this baby, they are a baby. 00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:32.319 You cannot give them the authority. 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:45.279 This doesn't mean that you strip them of their own autonomy and their own authority and that you don't let them want what they want and need what they need, but you start remembering that you matter in this relationship. 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:48.400 How many women do you know in your life? 00:17:48.559 --> 00:18:01.519 How many of you have a mother or a mother-in-law who does not take care of herself and she makes it her kids' her kids' job, her family's job to take care of her needs, even as a grown-ass adult. 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:05.279 This generation of mothers is changing that. 00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:15.440 And I see it, and it's very, very hard because you have these underlying unconscious expectations that it is your job to become a martyr to take care of your baby. 00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:28.319 Now, there are moments, there are seasons, there are times where you self-sacrifice, where you say, I'm doing this not because it's what I want, I'm doing this not because it's what I need. 00:18:28.480 --> 00:18:33.599 I'm doing this because I love this person and I'm going to lay my life down for them. 00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:43.359 But you do that out of your choice and your agency and your love, not out of codependency, not out of if I meet your need, you'll be okay, and therefore I'm okay. 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:47.519 Your job as a mom, at least this is my, this is my belief in parenting. 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:48.960 You can take it or you can leave it. 00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:50.079 You don't have to agree. 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:55.759 I don't think that makes you a bad mom, but this approach has changed my life. 00:18:56.000 --> 00:19:00.559 It genuinely has changed my motherhood, and I truly believe that it has changed my children. 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.880 It's also changed my marriage. 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.160 Side story. 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:11.839 But you have to put yourself in this place where you feel what is what is yours and what is not. 00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:30.480 Healthy relationship for your children is that they have a mom who is fully embodied in her own agency, her own choice, and she makes choices as a full-grown adult who is living in maturity, and she doesn't need that kid to be okay for her to be okay. 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:32.640 And that is hard. 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:45.680 That is hard to protect your big, beautiful, bleeding heart because most mothers have taken on this godlike responsibility of, I just want my kids to be happy and healthy. 00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:51.599 Well, welcome to toddlerhood or teenagers or big kids where you actually don't have that much control. 00:19:51.759 --> 00:20:01.839 You actually don't have that much power over your kids because unfortunately, you and them are both going to have a human experience, whether you like it or not. 00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:10.799 It doesn't matter how good you do this job, it doesn't matter how good you do with this relationship, they are going to have a human experience and you can't protect them from that. 00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:12.960 That is the worst part of motherhood. 00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:13.839 I swear it. 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:21.599 It is the biggest grief in the entire world that I have seen women, I have walked, I have watched, let me slow down. 00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:24.960 I have watched women walk this over and over and over. 00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:27.279 It doesn't matter how well they did it. 00:20:27.359 --> 00:20:42.559 It didn't matter how perfect they were, it didn't matter that they showed up to the exact steps and the exact signs, they still had to have the human experience as a mother and they had to watch their child have a human experience as a sole sovereign human. 00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:50.000 One, because your child is a different person and they're going to have choice and agency no matter how good or how bad you do. 00:20:50.319 --> 00:21:00.400 How many people know someone who had really shitty, awful, abusive, terrible parents and still chose to become wonderful, well-rounded adults? 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:02.400 Right? 00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:08.000 And I'm not saying that we don't have power or influence or impact on our kids. 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:14.079 I believe the relationship our kids have with us is one of the most impactful they will ever have. 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:20.720 I work with adult women who are very healthy, who are very high-functioning, who are very ambitious. 00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:28.480 And one of the hardest relationships for them still is the way that their parents made them feel about themselves and about life. 00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:33.839 So I want you to consider what message am I sending my toddler about me? 00:21:34.720 --> 00:21:40.160 Am I a safe, regulated, whole person, not perfect person? 00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:43.359 Your kids don't need a perfect mother. 00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:45.839 In fact, they have a human mother. 00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:49.359 Whether they want it or not, they have a human mother. 00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:51.839 But how do you hold your humanity? 00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:54.640 How do you hold your humanity? 00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:56.240 How do you show up to it? 00:21:57.440 --> 00:21:59.599 How do you work through those days? 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:10.880 Where you feel like shit and you feel like a crumb, like a crummy, cranky bridge troll, and you're luteal and you're overwhelmed and you're overstimulated and you're having a shit day.

00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:13.839 How do you show up to your humanity on those days? 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:17.039 Because that is the biggest part of parenting. 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:22.559 You how the parenting comes from the parent. 00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:29.680 The act, the role, the relationship of parenting your kid, it comes from the parent. 00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:31.279 It comes from you. 00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:37.839 So if you want to show up well to your kid, you have to learn how to show up for you. 00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:45.119 You have to take radical responsibility for not only your behaviors, but what's driving the behaviors. 00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:53.039 Because here is where I don't love this whole parenting idea of I can just tell you what to do with your toddler. 00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:56.720 Because in one moment, that might be a really healthy response. 00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:03.279 And in another moment, you might be completely taking yourself out of your agency and out of your values. 00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:10.720 In one moment, what will feel like caring for your kid will feel like absolutely destroying your capacity for the day. 00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:12.880 Sometimes your toddler has to wait. 00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:15.119 And sometimes you're going to decide, you know what? 00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:20.240 In this moment, me meeting their need actually feels really valuable, even if it's not what I want. 00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:25.839 But can you do that from a place of choice and agency, not shame? 00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:28.240 Not what you're supposed to do. 00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:35.680 So some of the things that are going to really impact your parenting, these skills that you can grow, these are skills. 00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:49.440 And I think this is what's hard is that, like for me, I'll be fully honest, when I was a new mom and a young mom, and even still to this day, there are times where I look at how I'm parenting and I say, this isn't it. 00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:57.279 This is not matching up to my ideals and my values and the standards that I want to hold myself to as a parent. 00:23:57.519 --> 00:23:59.279 But I don't do that out of shame. 00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:04.000 I don't do that out of what a piece of shit, what is wrong with you, how terrible of you. 00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:08.400 I say, what are the skills I need to develop to be able to change my behaviors? 00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:10.480 How do I change my attitude? 00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:16.640 What resources, what capacity do I need to build in myself so that I can change the way that I'm showing up? 00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:26.480 Because I'm actually, I have this weird, not weird, I have this different approach to mom shame and mom guilt. 00:24:27.279 --> 00:24:30.720 Mom shame is when you are feeling paralyzed. 00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:39.599 Paralyzed is a very important part because most of the women I've met have some sort of paralyzation with shame of like, oh, I'm experiencing mom guilt. 00:24:39.759 --> 00:24:48.960 If you tell me I'm experiencing mom guilt, I will ask you point blank, what is the behavior that you are doing that is out of alignment that is in your power to change? 00:24:49.599 --> 00:24:56.960 So if you tell me I have mom guilt, I'm dealing with mom guilt for how many hours I'm working, I'm going to say, okay. 00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:00.160 So you need to change the hours you're working. 00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:06.559 Mom guilt tells you I'm not parenting in the way that I want to. 00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:08.240 I'm not showing up. 00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:12.640 I don't have the identity or the behavior or the relationship that I want. 00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:24.079 And I think it's important, I think it's valuable that we are able to see, feel, and be able to change the gap between where we are and where we want to be. 00:25:25.200 --> 00:25:26.240 That's empowering. 00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:28.000 That is feeling your power. 00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:34.079 That is feeling your capacity to say, this matters to me, and I'm gonna figure out how to do it. 00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:38.400 Not because I'm a piece of shit, but because I love this person. 00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:41.839 I love me, and this isn't working for us. 00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:44.799 This isn't working for me, or it's not working for them. 00:25:45.119 --> 00:25:46.319 So I'm gonna change it. 00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:48.319 I'm gonna do something about it. 00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:51.359 Guilt, there's something for you to do. 00:25:51.599 --> 00:26:00.240 Shame, it doesn't matter how fast you go, it doesn't matter how good you run, you will feel like you can't get there because it just goes faster. 00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:08.960 Shame, so many people feel it differently in their bodies, but most of what people are saying when they say mom guilt, they're actually they're talking about shame. 00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:13.759 It's this deep feeling of I'm bad, there's something wrong with me. 00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:22.079 But it it's important for me to say shame is really hard to see in people who have done a lot of healing and growth work because it's no longer logical. 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:28.960 Because my experience in my own life and with a lot of the clients I've worked with is we've done a lot of therapy. 00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:30.960 We've done a lot of personal growth work. 00:26:31.119 --> 00:26:33.279 A lot of times we are the coaches and therapists. 00:26:33.359 --> 00:26:45.200 So, like, we're so good with our own bullshit that like we actually sometimes don't have the cognitive thoughts anymore around like, I'm I can't do this, I'm no good, I'm a shitty mom. 00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:47.200 It's a feeling that happens in our body. 00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:50.000 It's an unconscious bullshit that comes up. 00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:52.799 It's an unconscious shame that's happening somatically. 00:26:52.960 -->

00:27:00.480 It's happening as a sensation in our bodies of feeling bad, but not knowing what to do with it, not knowing how to change it. 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:05.119 It's it's not I'm doing something out of my behavior, out of my values. 00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:07.279 It's I'm wrong. 00:27:07.519 --> 00:27:14.960 I'm doing something wrong and someone's going to catch me, or I'm going to be humiliated, or I'm never good enough. 00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:17.200 Like, man, I'm doing all of the right things. 00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:20.960 I I have everything looks great, but it doesn't feel great. 00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:24.079 That's usually and often very much shame. 00:27:24.319 --> 00:27:30.160 And shame is very much a cultural relational, relational byproduct. 00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:34.799 And so I have found that shame cannot be broken individually. 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:38.640 It cannot be, it cannot be broken you on your own. 00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:44.799 And even I would, I would wager to say not even in one-on-one where it's you and one other person. 00:27:45.119 --> 00:27:56.240 It has to be a communal experience where someone you witness someone else experiencing or sharing or talking about that thing you're going through, and you have a witness to it that is not shameful. 00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:59.119 You have a witness that is loving and compassionate. 00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:01.359 It might still hold you accountable. 00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:07.920 It might still share some hard truths, but it doesn't do it in like a shitty beating you up kind of way. 00:28:08.079 --> 00:28:11.599 It's like if you're down, shame kicks you. 00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:15.599 If you're down, guilt offers you a hand and says, get up. 00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:16.720 Get up. 00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:18.319 Like, let's do this. 00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:19.759 What do you need to do this? 00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:20.960 That's the difference. 00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:37.759 And you get to decide if you don't like the way that you're showing up as a mother, if you don't like the way that you are parenting, you have the option to either kick yourself while you're down or to look at yourself while you're down and say, All right, let's do something about it. 00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:45.759 Let's change it, let's shift the way that we take care of ourselves or our kids or our household or whatever it is for you. 00:28:46.640 --> 00:29:00.720 Another piece of this that I want to mention is that, like, even when you're parenting really, really well, like let's say you are parenting in alignment with your values, you are showing up in a way you're really proud of, it can still be really freaking hard. 00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:07.440 So many women think that if I'm doing the right thing, it will feel good and it will feel easy. 00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:09.839 And I actually find that is not always true. 00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:11.759 In fact, it's often not true. 00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:32.079

Some of the times when I am parenting at my best, when I am showing up as the healthiest mother that I can, when I am behaving and my values and healthy boundaries and standards, while also being compassionate and caring and supporting my kids, teaching my kids, it's uncomfortable. 00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:36.160 I don't like it, or they don't like it, or both of us don't like it, right? 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:44.720 Like giving my kids consequences or letting them learn hard lessons or watching them struggle without coming in to save them. 00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:50.559 There are so many hard things about parenting, not just when you're not doing it well. 00:29:52.160 --> 00:29:58.720 That's really important for you to hear that just because it's hard doesn't mean you're not doing it well. 00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:02.400 In fact, it might be a sign that you're doing it right. 00:30:03.519 --> 00:30:19.920 I we live in a culture that says that if you are healthy and you know, you're taking care of your mental and emotional health, and you have boundaries and you know, all of these things, if you're healthy spiritually, that like things will feel good and easy, and that is not true. 00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:29.920 I don't know a single healthy, happy, successful person that doesn't still experience the full reality of their humanity, especially as a parent. 00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:31.519 Especially as a parent. 00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:33.359 Like it's freaking hard. 00:30:34.240 --> 00:30:48.319 So I really hope that this podcast supported you, that it gave you really good ways to feel into the season of parenting that you're in and how you can show up to it. 00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:51.839 I'm really curious and I would absolutely love to hear from you. 00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:54.000 What season of parenting are you in? 00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:58.240 And like what are some common struggles that you're having having in this season? 00:30:58.480 --> 00:31:03.279 Because I really want to record more podcasts like this where I'm answering questions in longer form. 00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:11.920 One of the things that drives me crazy about social media is trying to take these nuanced, complex topics and make them into like quick little one-minute videos. 00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:16.319 I think they can be really inspirational or quote unquote empowering. 00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:23.680 But I think the problem with that is that inspiration makes you feel good in the moment, but it usually doesn't actually spur you to action. 00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:33.119 And my hope as a mentor, as a practitioner, as a coach is not just to like inspire you, it's to get you into action. 00:31:33.599 --> 00:31:36.240 I don't want to just make you feel good for a moment. 00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:39.839 I want you to create a life that feels really fucking good. 00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:50.640 A life that you lay your head down on the pillow at night most nights, even on the on the really, really good days and on the shit days, and you say, I like how I held my humanity today. 00:31:50.799 --> 00:31:52.559 I like how I held my kids' humanity. 00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:53.599 I like how I showed up. 00:31:53.680 --> 00:32:03.039 And if you don't, if you don't like how you showed up, you're able to feel in your body, in your soul, in that deep gut place, I know how to change this. 00:32:03.440 --> 00:32:04.960 I know the pivots to make. 00:32:05.119 --> 00:32:10.240 I know if I need to hit the gas or hit the brakes or make a pivot or I need to get some support. 00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:16.559 I need to change the way I'm showing up for myself so that I have capacity to change this relationship. 00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:25.039 So if you, if you loved this podcast episode, if this was helpful and supportive for you, please help by sharing it on social media. 00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:25.759 Tag me. 00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:28.079 I'd love to hear your aha moments. 00:32:28.319 --> 00:32:31.200 Take a moment and follow so you see all of the next ones. 00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:41.200 And definitely send me, send me a DM or send me an email and tell me the season of parenting you're in and tell me what's hardest about you, hardest about you, hardest about this season. 00:32:41.359 --> 00:32:42.319 Is it motherhood? 00:32:42.480 --> 00:32:43.359 Is it parenting? 00:32:43.519 --> 00:32:44.240 Is it business? 00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:46.640 Is it all of it all at the same time? 00:32:46.880 --> 00:33:07.839 I really want to hear from you so I can create more episodes like this where I give you actually tangible supportive ways to be able to change things in a way that's supportive and gracefelt, but also brings you back to this place of feeling your grit and your fortitude because all of those things matter and you have all of them. 00:33:08.079 --> 00:33:10.079 So take up audacious space. 00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:13.759 I hope you have a wonderful day, and I'll see you next time. 00:33:16.319 --> 00:33:20.319 Thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. 00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:26.400 Make sure you have subscribed below so that you see all of the upcoming podcasts that are coming soon. 00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:39.279 I hope you take today's episode and you take one aha moment, one small tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life to get your hands a little dirty, to get your skin in the game. 00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:42.640 Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. 00:33:42.799 --> 00:33:50.079 If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review. 00:33:50.319 --> 00:33:52.000 Send an episode to a friend. 00:33:52.240 --> 00:33:54.720 This helps the show gain more traction. 00:33:54.799 --> 00:33:59.119 It helps us to support more moms, more women. 00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:01.440 And that's what we're doing here. 00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:03.599 So I hope you have an awesome day. 00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:07.119 Take really good care of yourself, and I'll see you next time.