Full Transcript for This Was Never About What Time You Got Home

future, or simply a belief that someone will or should do a particular something. 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:53.039 So expectations sometimes, uh well, most of the time, are self-created. 00:02:53.520 --> 00:03:01.680 I mean it it just it it's something that begins at an early part of life. 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:02.319 Right. 00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:05.280 Well, where where's where are they originating? 00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:07.439 Yeah, I mean, yeah. 00:03:08.240 --> 00:03:20.800 I mean expectations are are always rooted in your gender, whatever you may be, female, male, binary, um, the way you were raised. 00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:23.039 Was it a parent household? 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:25.520 Was it were you in foster care? 00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:29.199 You know, so it it it's rooted in all of that. 00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:30.639 What else can it be rooted with? 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:32.240 What affects expectations? 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:38.080 I mean, society, history, culture, family, like Yeah. 00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:39.439 Culture's big, man. 00:03:40.560 --> 00:03:41.840 Culture is very big. 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:47.120 So society, because there's so many different subsocieties within your life. 00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:55.680 I mean, there could be school and work and home and just your friends, like it could all be different. 00:03:55.919 --> 00:04:02.800 And but expectations are b uh being taught at a young age. 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:18.240 You know, you you start to learn uh the cause and effect and uh of of things, and that turns into now, well, it happened last time, so maybe it should happen again. 00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:19.600 Right, right. 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:26.480 And then are they really fighting about the time that they got back? 00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:30.879 You know, what is that is that truly the topic? 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:35.439 Is that is that truly the the the root of that argument? 00:04:35.519 --> 00:04:46.480 Or they is the person really saying something more like, you know, if you cared about me, you'd get home on time, or why aren't you coming home at a respectable hour? 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:48.079 It could be something like that too. 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:50.319 You know, yeah, what are you doing? 00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:54.240 What could have happened from the end of the movie till when you got home? 00:04:55.040 --> 00:04:56.720 What were you really up to? 00:04:57.120 --> 00:05:13.839 Because yeah, sometimes fear can dictate uh uh how you think about things and how you expect them to turn out, and and you hear stories about someone cheating, so therefore, and you kind of create it yourself. 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:14.399 Right. 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:18.959 So whatever it is that you're truly fighting about, that's the real fight. 00:05:19.199 --> 00:05:19.519 No. 00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:35.120 Right, and so but instead of digging deep, a lot of a lot of couples will just be on the surface, riding, you know,

the the the top level about that, just right on the surface. 00:05:35.439 --> 00:05:38.000 But you gotta dig deep for those kinds of things. 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:44.959 Because I mean, nobody walks into a relationship and have the same expectations. 00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:57.519 So they expectations like unspoken expectations can turn into silent resentment in in a relationship. 00:05:57.759 --> 00:06:11.920 Um it it's just something that builds and builds, and usually the smaller it is, the longer it takes to build, but it will build, and before you know it, it becomes a big issue. 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:16.879 Yeah, I mean that's why you have to talk about these expectations early on. 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:19.360 Yeah, for sure. 00:06:19.519 --> 00:06:27.120 I mean, you you you have to talk about them because if you just think about them, it's a one-sided conversation. 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:36.160 So here, let me give an example of something that you could talk about before you make that big final commitment with rings and everything. 00:06:38.240 --> 00:06:40.319 Would you like to have children? 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:42.560 Oh, yeah. 00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:46.079 You know, like some people don't even have that conversation. 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:53.600 And then you marry someone, and then one is expecting to become parents in the first three years, and the other one's like, What? 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:56.879 I love our life, just the two of us. 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:12.079 So, you know, or even beyond that, like how many people want kids right away, and how many people say, Hey, let's just enjoy ourselves, enjoy each other for uh for a few years before we start having kids. 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:16.000 Well, someone could say, How could you not know I wanted kids? 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:21.759 I'm always playing with kids, I'm always, you know, how I play with your nieces and nephews. 00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:24.079 But you can't assume. 00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:26.480 You can't assume. 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:27.279 Right. 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:33.600 I mean, especially people who come from a large family, that may have tipped them into not wanting a large family. 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:40.240 So you can't just say, well, if they have uh ten uncles and aunts, they'll definitely want kids. 00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:44.319 Because that's not necessarily uh how it works. 00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:54.959 So and when you have that that disagreement or expectations that weren't met, you start to get distance between you. 00:07:55.279 --> 00:07:56.079 Oh yeah. 00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:58.480 You know, and you drift. 00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:09.759 And we're not saying expect I think a lot of this comes from people are trying to anticipate and they want to be right, you know. 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:15.680 Oh, well, sometimes I expect him to come home because I know him and and he's gonna come home. 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:21.199 Yeah, but what if he doesn't come home at the time you think? 00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:23.439 Now it becomes an issue. 00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:23.839 Why? 00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:25.519 Because he's never done it before. 00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:29.920 Don't leave anything to chance, so to speak. 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:30.720 Right. 00:08:31.920 --> 00:08:57.120 So what happens say guy comes home and decides to sit down and watch the game every night he comes home because he loves baseball, he knows his wife understands that, and now she starts becoming overfunctioning and now doing everything to event to let him watch the game. 00:08:58.080 --> 00:08:58.720 Yeah. 00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:00.960 Oh, that's a trap. 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:02.159 Oh yeah. 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:20.960 It's a trap because what may be fine once or twice isn't necessarily fine a hundred times in a row or three hundred times in a row, because those little buildups that we talked about before now just build up and it's like a volcano, they eventually just erupt. 00:09:21.279 --> 00:09:38.720 Yeah, you know, a lot of times, and and this has happened between you and I one of us will pick up the slack, fill in the gap, and the other person's just gone, oh, that's so cool that he did that. 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:40.080 That was great. 00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:50.799 And then you do it again, and it becomes what we talked about on those other in the last episode about you end up inheriting that role or that job. 00:09:51.200 --> 00:09:51.519 Yes. 00:09:51.679 --> 00:10:03.840 And so now I expect you to always do it, or you expect me to always do it, and so now I'm overfunctioning, like you said, and that's a lot to carry, depending on what it is. 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:06.960 And you know, you may not see think it's a lot. 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:15.919 Yeah, you may think, oh, they got it because they've been doing it, but it becomes a lot for a person when they have to hold something for too long, right? 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:22.639 So the real question is before that happens, like how do you reset it? 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:27.919 Um, I think someone's gotta say something. 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:29.840 Either one, right? 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:35.039 Someone's gotta say, baby, thank you so much for doing that. 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:36.320 Are you okay doing that? 00:10:36.399 --> 00:10:38.720 Or do you think, you know, is it something we should share? 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:46.240 Or the person who's doing the overfunctioning to be like, baby, I didn't mind doing that, but you think that we could share this? 00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:49.360 No, you know, it's tough for me to carry this. 00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:53.360 I don't mind if if I do this for a while, how long do you think? 00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:54.960 Or whatever is the thing. 00:10:55.120 --> 00:11:06.399 But if if you're talking about like what you were giving the example of uh handling something because you like to relax and watch your games

during college basketball season or something like that. 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:07.200 I know. 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:19.120 Um, you know, but you have to talk about it because otherwise the other person's gonna be like throwing the dishes in the sink and be like, the f I'm supposed to be doing this all the time. 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:25.200 You know, and it reminds me of like what I just um did at work. 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:34.399 You know, where I had to on my day job where I had to draw some lines. 00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:41.919 And a lot of women who overfunction at home, they tend to overfunction everywhere. 00:11:42.159 --> 00:11:54.399 So I'm space specifically speaking to women right now because I do coach women separately, and I have a digital program called Reset Foundations, and this is where you find out where do I overfunction? 00:11:54.559 --> 00:11:56.559 Where am I carrying more than I should? 00:11:56.720 --> 00:11:58.720 Where do I always agree to do all of this? 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:02.240 Like, why do I end up having so much on my plate? 00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:04.799 And you figure out like, why is this happening? 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:06.240 How do I stop it? 00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:13.840 Where is it that I'm making this quick decision to do these things, and then I don't notice it until I'm completely exhausted already. 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:14.559 All right. 00:12:14.799 --> 00:12:15.360 You know? 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:22.240 So if women are interested or you know women who could benefit from that, you can learn more about it on Instagram. 00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:23.600 There's a link there. 00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:34.720 Yeah, and and when you eliminate some of those terrible cycles, I mean, it's just such a weight lifted off, and you you can really notice the difference. 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:36.080 Yes, yes. 00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:41.360 So it's about noticing, you know, and you learn about you, right? 00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:46.159 So but when you do notice, then you have to communicate it, like we said. 00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:58.399 So, like what's an emotional expectation that I could communicate to you, which I have many many times in the past, has been, hey, hi, I am here. 00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:01.919 Yeah, you know, pay attention to me, I miss you. 00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:03.759 Spend time, yeah. 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:05.440 I feel alone. 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:08.960 And it doesn't only have to be women, guys. 00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:12.799 Like guys guys need to feel close to. 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:18.159 So and I mean, there there's just I mean, emotional is just one thing. 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:21.200 I mean, there could be uh uh just practical things. 00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:33.679 Um, like, hey, I need I know it's usually my job to clean the whole house, but since we've had kids, like it's it's become a lot, and I would love some help. 00:13:34.559 --> 00:13:47.200 You know, so um things like that, you

can always get them mixed up at times and think one is the other, or vice versa, where oh, I need time. 00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:49.039 Okay, well, we clean the house together. 00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:51.919 No, it's it's a little different. 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:53.440 Yeah, yeah. 00:13:53.759 --> 00:14:04.240 But you know, I think when when you are asking for help, you really are looking for a connection for your partner to understand what you're going through. 00:14:04.559 --> 00:14:04.879 No. 00:14:06.399 --> 00:14:13.120 For sure, because uh a relationship is an ever-growing thing like a plant. 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:19.440 You know, it it doesn't stop growing, it doesn't, it's always trying to expand and grow. 00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:30.799 So if you find your yourself saying, Oh, well, they changed, I don't like how they are, maybe you need to update your expectations of them. 00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:34.080 Um their needs may have changed. 00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:40.000 I mean, not everybody can stay 20 years old forever, you know. 00:14:40.080 --> 00:14:41.279 We no, thank you. 00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:44.320 We can continue growing, you know. 00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:51.200 I mean 20s 20s were fun parts of it, but I am glad not to be naive like that anymore. 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:53.279 No offense to the 20-year-old. 00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:56.159 No doing a lot of growing in every stage. 00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:59.120 But I mean people evolve. 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:07.600 Yeah, and relationships evolve, and it your your job is to help keep it on the plus side. 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:15.600 Relationships can definitely evolve to the negative, and um that's when you don't put the work in. 00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:17.519 Uh relationships are work. 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:23.600 Yeah, you can keep saying saying, Oh, you're not the person I met. 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:25.120 Yeah. 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:26.399 Thank God. 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:26.960 Yeah. 00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:33.120 You know, like I'm changing, and and that's okay, but that's makes it exciting too. 00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:38.000 Nobody nobody wants to stay the same person. 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:45.759 They may try, but things things happen in life, and before you know it, you change. 00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:46.399 Right. 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:57.519 And if you don't realize that that person is growing or your expectations have changed, or you don't even know what their current expectations are, if you don't communicate it, they can't meet it. 00:15:57.759 --> 00:16:01.840 And like you said, you have the resentment and then you have the withdrawal. 00:16:02.159 --> 00:16:02.480 Yeah. 00:16:02.799 --> 00:16:06.799 Where people say, uh, this just how it is. 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:11.759 Yeah, the the the loop or the cycle is just it's expectation. 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:17.600 Uh no communication about that expectation, so it's becomes unmet. 00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:26.879 Uh that equals

the resentment, which turns into withdrawal, and you just keep repeating until you blow up. 00:16:27.039 --> 00:16:30.480 And a lot of couples are just stuck there now. 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:31.039 Yeah. 00:16:31.200 --> 00:16:44.320 That cycle will create an actual hole, and you'll fall through it and out of your relationship, like you know, and that and this is where people get stuck for years or you know, long periods of time. 00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.279 For you and I, Steve, it's was years. 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:52.799 And I think we didn't complete uh the whole thing. 00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:57.440 I think what we did do was we did communicate, we did try to connect. 00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:06.480 Um, although we failed multiple times at meeting the expectations or making the right decision, but we didn't stop trying. 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:07.759 Yeah, and you know what? 00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:09.839 That's part of the growing as well. 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:10.559 Yeah. 00:17:10.799 --> 00:17:13.839 You know, uh what's that one business guy say? 00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:15.279 Uh which one? 00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:19.759 Every failure you have brings you closer to success. 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:20.240 Yeah. 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:24.000 Because you're just eliminating any way to fail. 00:17:25.119 --> 00:17:27.279 So exactly, exactly. 00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:37.039 So when it comes to expectations, I mean the way to change them from expectations is to change them into agreements. 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:42.160 Um, what we mean by that is expectations are silent. 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:52.720 They're something you come up with in your own head, okay, and agreements are spoken, okay, and they are agreed upon, okay. 00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:55.759 Expectations create pressure. 00:17:56.240 --> 00:18:07.839 Um, there are heavy burdens that come with certain expectations, because not all expectations are from your partner, it could be society or or something like that. 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:18.160 Um the being a man uh uh is is a great pressure if that's not how you are naturally, you know. 00:18:19.039 --> 00:18:23.359 But agreements create clarity, okay? 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:28.000 Because if it hasn't been said clearly, it's not an agreement, okay? 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:30.480 Both sides have to discuss it. 00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:35.680 Hey, I think you should be back from that movie at 10 30. 00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:38.640 Well, I haven't hung out with my friends for a while. 00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:42.000 I was thinking of hanging out a little bit longer than 10 30. 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:43.200 Oh, okay. 00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:45.440 Um, whatever, just text me. 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:46.880 11, 11:30. 00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:49.200 I I was hoping to see you before I fall asleep. 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:49.759 Okay. 00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:51.440 Sounds good to me. 00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:53.279 I'll keep you up to date. 00:18:53.440 --> 00:18:56.000 And now it's an agreement. 00:18:56.319 --> 00:19:01.519 And it has changed the entire night and hopefully the relationship. 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:02.799 Right, right. 00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:07.519 You know, and and what you just said is just it's applied to everything. 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:11.119 It doesn't have to be just in your romantic relationship. 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:16.400 These are things that you have with your friends. 00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:17.359 At work. 00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:19.279 At work, woohoo! 00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:21.839 Uh at work. 00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:22.960 Come on, guys. 00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:31.440 I think everybody um who is watching, listening, has had people at work expect something from them. 00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:33.759 And you did not agree to it. 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:34.480 Yeah. 00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:40.960 You know, I mean, I had that experience and I wrote all about it in my grace's letter. 00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:44.079 I really dumped it all out there in my letter. 00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:46.960 It was it uh I dropped it yesterday. 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:51.839 It's called uh I filed at 4 30. 00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:53.759 Oh, what did I file? 00:19:54.000 --> 00:20:06.319 I filed a leave of absence because my job was expecting me to do one, two, three, four, you name it, on my plate, and I never agreed to it. 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:12.160 Or it was never anyway, read about it. 00:20:12.640 --> 00:20:15.200 And so you can see and see if you relate yourself. 00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:17.839 But uh you can find that also on Instagram. 00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:27.359 I write about things about expectations and your relationships, usually for women, but I think men uh can learn something from it too. 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:30.880 I've had some men comp uh comment on it on LinkedIn. 00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:32.319 So Oh, definitely. 00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:40.960 I mean, guys, if if you can get inside women's heads whenever you can, it's it's it's there to help help you learn, you know. 00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:41.839 Yeah. 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:50.400 So um yeah, you're not frustrated because your partner is wrong. 00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:57.359 You know, you expectations bring forth frustrations because they're not. 00:20:57.519 --> 00:20:59.039 Did you mean to make that rhyme? 00:20:59.359 --> 00:20:59.920 Did it rhyme? 00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:02.880 Expectations bring forth frustrations. 00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:03.839 Oh, okay. 00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:04.160 Hey. 00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:05.920 I didn't know you were a rock arm. 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:08.799 Or Dr. 00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:10.000 Seuss, whichever. 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:10.960 It's like Dr. 00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:11.440 Seuss. 00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:12.960 He's gotta be rich somewhere, right? 00:21:13.440 --> 00:21:14.160 His company. 00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:29.119 Well, it it it's just unrealistic, and it doesn't even have to be updated with what is current in your relationship or your job or anything like that. 00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:38.400 The the work is just putting forth the effort and noticing it and staying in the present. 00:21:39.119 --> 00:21:40.880 That's right, that's right. 00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:58.160 So say what you expect, ask what they expect, make sure it's realistic, and then turn it into an agreement, and then continue to revisit it as life changes. 00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:59.839 I mean, it's throughout your entire life. 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:02.400 Relationship doesn't stop. 00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:04.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:12.799 And remember, it's not always a communication problem, it will most likely always be an expectation problem. 00:22:13.440 --> 00:22:18.799 So until you start telling the truth about that, nothing's going to change. 00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:20.559 That's right. 00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:25.039 Catch you on the next episode. 00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:26.640 All right, bye.