TRANSCRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
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That was We Did It Before, and we can do
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it again from the Broadway show Banjo Eyes, played by
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the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you
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a man who gave a big party last Thursday at
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his home in Beverly Hills. A host whose Christmas dinner
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was the greatest thing since Harper's Bizarre Diet, Jack Benny!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is
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Jack Benny talking, and Don, for a man who ate
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15 stalks of celery, and heaven knows how many when
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I wasn't looking. You're a fine one to complain. But
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after all, Jack, that's all there was to eat. Celery
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and ham hocks. Ham hocks? I had turkey. You had
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ham hocks.
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Sticking that feather duster in him didn't fool anybody.
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Look, it fooled Dennis because he asked for the breast. Anyway, Don,
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ham hocks are marvelous. I'm crazy about them.
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Well, I'm glad of that, because my wife says the
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next time you come to our house, that's all you're
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going to get.
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Well, that's the cheapest thing I ever heard of. You've
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got a backyard full of chickens. Anyway, Don, regardless of
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what you say, my party was a success. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary.
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Say, Jack, do you notice anything new today?
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Well, let's see. Are you wearing a new dress?
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No.
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New shoes?
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No.
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New pocketbook?
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No.
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Well, I give up. What's new about you?
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I'm wearing that lousy mascara you gave me for Christmas.
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Now, just a minute, young lady. In that gorgeous hand-painted
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gift box, you also found a lipstick and talcum powder
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and bath salt and a beautiful pink and white washcloth.
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The washcloth I already returned to the Ambassador Hotel.
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That didn't come from the hotel. It was made by
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the Ambassador Knitting Mill. Read before you return. Speaking of
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Christmas presents, I've got a good notion to tell Don
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what you gave me. What was it, Jack? A lot
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of thought she put into it.
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Well, it was useful. You've got to admit that.
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Sure, useful. Well, what was it, Jack? What did Mary
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give me for Christmas? A nutcracker for coconut. So big
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I can't even lift it.
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Well, I was going to get you muscles, but I
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didn't know where to buy them.
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Very funny. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Mary. You
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can take that present you gave me right back to
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the May Company. First thing in the morning.
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You take it. Every time I go there, I forget
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and punch the clock.
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All right, I'll take it back myself. But the next time... Hey,
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look at Dennis.
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What's the matter with him? Where?
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Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Well, what's the matter with you?
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Just ask me how my girl is.
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Go ahead, ask me. All right, Dennis, how's your girl?
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She can go sit on a taxi. What's this all about?
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What's wrong between you and your girl? Well, I gave
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her some beautiful earrings for Christmas, and just because I
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swallowed one, she slapped me. Well, for... Dennis, how in
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the world did you happen to swallow one of your
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girl's earrings? I was whispering something to her, and I
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got too confidential.
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Oh.
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Well, that could happen.
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But only to him.
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You said it. Anyway, don't worry, Dennis. You and your
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girl will make up.
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Oh, yes.
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As soon as I get my bicycle back, I'm going
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to give her the air. Well, I... I don't blame you.
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I sold over 8,000 magazines to get that bicycle.
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It's mine. All right, all right. Forget about your girl
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and your bicycle. Change the subject. Say, Dennis, did you
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have a good time at my Christmas party? Yeah, but gee,
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the turkey sure made me thirsty. It was a little salty,
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but you had fun, though, didn't you,
Load full transcript
Dennis? You certainly
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met a lot of celebrities.
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What do you mean, celebrities?
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I mean movie stars. Ginger Rogers was there, wasn't she?
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Ginger Rogers' car broke down and she stopped in to
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use your telephone.
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Whoever walks in that front door is a guest. Whether
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it's Ginger or Moivin. And there were other stars there, too. Oh, say, Don,
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did you read any notices about my party in the
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society pages? I imagine all the papers covered it, huh?
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No, Jack, I looked, but I didn't see a word
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about your party.
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Oh. Oh, you didn't, huh?
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Well, I saw a swell write-up, Jack.
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Where, where? Who, who, who? Who did it? Where, what, where, where? Wait, wait, wait.
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Where'd you see a write-up?
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In the downtown shopping news.
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Oh. Oh.
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I thought you'd like to read it, so I clipped
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it out. Get a load of this, fellas. Jack Benny's
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Christmas party last Thursday was one of the outstanding events
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of the Beverly Hills social season. Well... Among those present
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were Rodney Dangerfield, the cowboy star, Barney Dean, Stella Buggenhaven....
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That's Rodney's leading lady, remember?
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And your reporter, Scoop Scoopsky.
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Good old Scoop. Go on, Mary.
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Delicious ham hocks a la Duster were enjoyed by all.
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Ham hocks? Quiet. Go ahead, Mary.
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And the highlight of the evening was when Miss Ginger
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Rogers stopped in to use the telephone.
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I'll never forget the look on Scoop's face.
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After dinner, the guests retired to Mr. Benny's rumpus room,
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which was tastefully decorated with holly, mistletoe, and a huge bag.
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That was the present Mr. Billingsley gave me. Oh. Boy,
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am I going to have flowers. What else does it say, Mary?
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The party broke up around 10 p.m. when the ace
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of spades fell out of Barney Dean's sleeve.
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For a minute there, I thought Rodney was going to
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shoot him. That was a lovely notice, Mary. Well, Dennis...
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Give it to me, Mary. I'll send it to my father.
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He thinks I'm cheap. Well, Dennis, it's time for a song,
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so how about it?
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Say, I thought Mr.
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Dangerfield did take a shot at him. Dennis, we won't
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discuss those things now. Let's have your song. Okay. Hold it.
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Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Happy New Year, you I wish,
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and season's greetings so delish. I hope your days are
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bright and sunny. Well, thank you, sir. You're welcome, honey.
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Get out of here! Sing, Dennis. I must call up
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Barney and see if he needs another transfusion. That was
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Who Called, sung by Dennis Day. And, Dennis, that was swell.
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By the way, kid, before I forget it, I want
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to thank you for that lovely Christmas present you sent me.
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Shaving cream is one thing I can always use. Yes, sir.
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That wasn't shaving cream, Mr.
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Benny.
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That was a tube of anchovy paste. Oh, anchovy paste. Hmm.
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I was wondering why it didn't lather. And now, ladies
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and gentlemen... Hmm, the cat kept licking my face all morning.
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That should have tipped me off right there. Oh, well.
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And now, ladies and gentlemen... Hiya, fellas. Well, tomorrow's the
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big night. You got your reservation in, Jackson? What reservation?
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You know, me and the boys. We're opening downtown at
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the Biltmore Bowl. Oh, yes, that's right. Hmm, Wilshire Bowl,
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Biltmore Bowl... You and your orchestra have been in more
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bowls than a pair of chopsticks.
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Hey!
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Yeah, that's all right. I'm going to pull that tomorrow night.
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Can I have that gag, Jackson? It's yours for two bucks, Phil.
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That's what I paid for it. I'll be glad to
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get out from under. Say, Phil, what kind of a
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show have you got lined up for the opening? Ah,
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it's terrific. First, we're going to play some straight band numbers,
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then sing a lot of novelty songs, and
then Charlie
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Bagby's going to do a soft shoe dance. Uh, Bagby,
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your piano player? Does he dance? No, but we got
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to get him up. That stool needs painting. Oh. And then,
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on the late show, Frankie, my guitar player, is going
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to get up and do some acrobatic tricks. Look, Phil,
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on the late show, if Frankie just gets up, I'll
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give him a hand. Believe me. And don't tell us
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any more, you'll spoil it.
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Say, Phil, you're opening going to be formal?
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Do I have to dress? Well, you ought to wear something.
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Always an answer. That Harris is a clip. A clip?
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That hair is in a clip. What a character. Say, Bill,
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shall we tell.
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Shall we tell Jack the surprise we got cooked up
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for the opening?
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Yeah, Jackson, Mary and me are going to do a
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cute little number called How About You. You know, it's
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the one that Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland sing in
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their new picture. Hey, that ought to be good. And listen...
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If you want another great idea, how about... Oh, this
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is terrific. How about in the second chorus, if I
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pick up my violin and play.
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See what I told you, Phil?
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Listen, Mary, it's Phil's opening, and if he wants me
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to play a violin solo, that's his business. Eh, Philsy?
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Them ham hocks I ate, but the violin is over
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my dead body. All right, all right.
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Say, Phil, why don't you and Mary try out that
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song for us tonight?
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All right, come on, Mary, let's show them how it goes. Okay.
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All right, go ahead, but if you hear a violin
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in the second chorus, don't be surprised. Go ahead, let's
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have the song. Wait a minute. I'll take it. Hello?
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Hello, Mr.
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Benny.
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This is Rochester.
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What do you want? I was just wondering, boss, can
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I have tomorrow night off on account.
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Of New Year's Eve?
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Rochester, New Year's Eve isn't until Wednesday night. Well, I
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want to let my hair down. It'll take me two
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days to drink the curl out of it. Now, Rochester,
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let me make one thing clear. You're getting New Year's off, Eve.
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You're getting New Year's Eve off, and that's all. And furthermore,
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I want you to be back to work at 9 a.m.
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the next morning. 9 a.m.? Yes, 9 a.m. Okay. If
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I ain't in the kitchen, look in the rose bushes.
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I'm not going to hunt for you. Now, look, Rochester,
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there are a lot of things you can do on
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New Year's Eve besides drinking... You can throw confetti. Uh-huh.
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And you can blow horns. Uh-huh. And break balloons. Uh-huh.
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And when midnight comes and the old year passes out...
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I want to go with it!
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Rochester!
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Rochester, believe me, I know what I'm talking about. You'll
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feel much better the next day if you stick to
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ginger ale like I do. Okay, you're the boss. You
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mean you're going to stick to ginger ale?
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No, just okay, you're the boss.
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Well, I don't care what you do, but I want
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to see you 9 o'clock the following morning on the job. Goodbye. Goodbye.
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Oh, say, boss.
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Now what? I forgot to thank you for that beautiful
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Christmas present you gave me. That's all right, Rochester. I
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always wanted a fountain pen. That's good. Now that I
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got that bottle of ink, I'm going to buy one.
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I knew you'd like it. So long, Rochester. So long.
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So hard to figure out what to buy him. He
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has everything. Now, where were we? Well, Mary and me
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are going to give out with that song. Oh, yes,
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go ahead. And remember what I said about the second chorus. Sing,
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my little chickadees. My writers are working for W.C. Fields now.
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I like New York in June. How about you?
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I like the Gershwin tune. How about you?
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I love a fireside when a storm is due.
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00:12:51.190
I like potato chips, moonlight, and motor drifts. How about you?
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I'm mad about good books. Can't get my fill.
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And Robert Taylor's looks.
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Give me a thrill. Holding hands in a movie show
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when all the lights are low. May not be new,
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but I like it.
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How about you?
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I like Fred Allen's joker to a degree. I love
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the common folk.
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That was How About You from the MGM picture Babes
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on Broadway, sung by Mickey Harris and Judy Livingston, with
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violin hot licks by jiving Jackie Bennet. You see, that
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fiddle bit in there really helped the number, didn't it, Mary?
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Didn't it, Phil? Didn't it, Don? Didn't it, Dennis? Fool me. Thanks.
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, as is our custom at
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this time of year, tonight we are going to present
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our annual New Year's play entitled The New Tenant, or
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Goodbye 41, Hello 42. Now, once again, I will play
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the part of the... Say, Mr. Benny, every year you
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do one of these plays and I don't understand them. Well,
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you see, Dennis, these little sketches we do at the
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close of each year are not so much plays as
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they are allegorical fantasies. Oh. See, they, um... You see,
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they deal with the abstract and the esoteric rather than
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with the prosaic.
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Oh, for heaven's sake.
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Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Do you understand, Dennis? Give me that again,
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and if my face lights up, stop. All right. Now, look, kid.
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Ladies and gentlemen, while Jack is explaining tonight's play to Dennis,
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let me tell you about Jell-O with its new locked-in process.
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Jell-O is not only economical and easy to make, but
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comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry.
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Orange, lemon, and lime. I thank you. But listen to
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the thought behind it. So remember, it's nothing but abstract symbolism.
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Have you got it, Dennis? Yes, sir.
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Rub a little on me, will you, kid?
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Phil,
you've got an important role. You're going to be
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Uncle Sam, so study it. Now, in our sketch tonight,
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I will play the part of the old year, 1941,
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who has been living in a big boarding house called
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the United States, run by Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Mary,
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you're going to be Columbia, and you have 48 children,
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one for each state in the Union.
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48 children?
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Holy smoke. Well, you were born in 1776.
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Oh, well, that's not so bad, then.
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Of course not. And, oh, yes, you have some adopted kids, too,
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like Puerto Rico, Hawaii, the Philippines, and so on. And
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now for our play. As the curtain rises, it is
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almost midnight of December 31st. An old man, 1941, is
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up in his room, packing his bags and ready to
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make his exit. Curtain music. Curtain music. Oh, Columbia. Columbia,
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will you come up here, please?
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What do you want, 41?
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Give me a hand with this packing, will you? Got
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to get out of here before midnight and make room
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for the new tenant. Oh, yes.
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Little 42 will be here any minute.
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Boy, am I a wreck. I'm glad I'm not a
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leap year. I couldn't stand another day. You're telling me.
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You didn't have starch in your beer. You toppled right over.
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I do look a little like a tripod. I can
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go along with a gag. Hey, where's your husband, Uncle Sam?
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I'd like to say goodbye to him.
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Oh, he's around someplace. You know, he's been working night
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and day.
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He sure has. I like the way all your kids
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have pitched in and helped him, too. Here comes one
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of your boys now.
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Yeah, that's my fattest one.
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Hello, Texas.
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Hello, old farmer.
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How are you, ma?
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My, my, look at the size of that boy.
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Yeah, he's getting a little plump around El Paso.
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His Galveston could stand a little reducing, too, right? Fine boy, though. Say, uh, Ma,
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have you seen Pa around? I got some new airfields
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I want to show him.
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Oh, he's out in the yard somewhere, and he's madder
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than a hornet.
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I'll go look for him.
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See you later, Mom.
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You know, Columbia, I don't blame Sam for being so
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riled up.
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You mean about our little adopted daughter, Lulu?
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Yep, Lulu. Burns me up just to think of it.
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There she was on a Sunday morning out in the
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yard picking pineapples. minding her own business, when a swarm
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of them darn yellow jackets flew in and stung her
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right in the back.
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That was a low-down trick if I ever heard of one.
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Well, she's got plenty of flit there now. Let them
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come back. Hey, Columbia. Columbia, hand me some of that
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swing music, will you? Might as well pack that and
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take it along with me.
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Here you are.
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Thanks. Well, I'll just pack it in here in my grip.
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You might as well take all these strikes and arguments
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with you, too.
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Yep, you won't be needing them for a while. No siree.
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Hey, old-timer, come over here by the window.
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Look! Well, I'll be darned if that mad dog ate off.
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Look at that bear chasing him.
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Is that a Russian bear? It ain't Carmichael.
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Look at him go.
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Oh, shut up, Benito.
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Who cares about you?
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Well, we've got to be out of here before long.
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What time is it, Columbia?
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About three minutes to twelve.
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Hmm. I'd better get finished up here. Don't call them double-crossers!
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I'll get even with them if it's the last thing
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I do!
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Here comes Sam now.
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Hello, Uncle Sam. Ain't you gone yet? Nope, got about
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two more minutes. Now, calm down, Sam. Don't get excited. Well,
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it's about time I got excited.
When I think of
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what they're doing to my boy Manila. Well, I don't
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blame you. I'm going to kick the teeth out of
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them yellow devils. That's about all there is to them anyway.
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Atta boy, Sam.
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Well, Sam, I'll be leaving you pretty soon. Doggone, look
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at that clock. Just got my duds together in time. Hmm,
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that's first stroke twelve. Wonder what's keeping the new tenant.
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Little fella should be here by now.
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Don't worry, he'll show up.
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Now, here's a little tip for you, Sam. Just keep
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your shirt on, but your sleeves rolled up. Everything will
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be all right. Well, when I think of what they
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did to Lulu... Take it easy now. Take it easy. Hmm,
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times are fleeting. I can't leave till that little shaver
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gets here.
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That must be him now.
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Yeah. Come in. Well... Hello, young fella. You the little
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new year?
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This ain't a sarong I'm wearing.
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That's good. You're going to need a sense of humor, kid.
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Come on in. Want to meet Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia.
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Glad to know you, folks. Hello, Sonny.
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Hiya, Bob. Make yourself the home. Well, son, I hope
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you brought some good.
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Things with you.
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You like staying in this house. It's the finest home
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on the block.
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I'm glad to hear that. You better be moving along, old-timer.
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I've got work to do.
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Yep, might as well be moseying along. But before I go,
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I want to give you a little advice. First, take
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good care of Uncle Sam here. Let him get mad
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when he wants to, but see that he don't fly
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off the handle. See what I mean? Take care of
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his friends and good neighbors, too. And that Dutch uncle
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of his.
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Leave it to me, old-timer.
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Look, you may have to put out the lights here
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in the house once in a while, but see that
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that torch at the front gate that's always burning... And say,
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before I forget it, Uncle Sam's got a nephew named
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Franklin that's taking mighty good care of the old boy.
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Ain't he, Sam? You're darn tootin'. So keep an eye
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on him, son, and give him all the help you can.
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00:21:24.849 --> 00:21:27.069
Franklin, huh? Well, I'll write that down.
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00:21:28.109 --> 00:21:30.519
And as long as you're writing down names, here's another
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00:21:30.579 --> 00:21:32.339
one for you. Put down Winston.
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00:21:32.599 --> 00:21:33.099
Winston?
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Yep.
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00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:35.099
Franklin and Winston.
394
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What are these two fellas' last names?
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Ain't necessary, son. Everybody knows them.
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00:21:40.140 --> 00:21:40.710
Anyone else?
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Well, let's see. You can put down Chung Kai Shek.
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00:21:46.549 --> 00:21:49.369
Nice fella. Believe me, he's just as tough as he
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00:21:49.430 --> 00:21:52.750
is to pronounce. And, oh, there's a lot more of them,
400
00:21:52.789 --> 00:21:56.170
but Sam will give you the names later. Well, gotta
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00:21:56.190 --> 00:22:00.960
be leaving. So long, Sam. So long, old-timer. Here we go.
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00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:02.440
So long, 41.
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00:22:02.420 --> 00:22:05.150
So long, Columbia. Keep them flyin'.