Full Transcript for Ep 191: It Gets Messier Before It Gets Better

could not do it anymore. 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:07.600 And I was ready to set it down. 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:11.519 And I have some clients that are like that, and that's beautiful. 00:05:11.839 --> 00:05:13.439 And I love that for them. 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:22.639 But I will say that they know that they're done and they know that they don't want it anymore, and they are ready to set it down for good. 00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:29.199 But I will say that most of the women that I work with are not there, not even close. 00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:38.079 So when you try to force a forever decision on yourself before you are at that stage of readiness, guess what happens? 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:40.800 Yeah, the negotiating, it gets worse. 00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:53.519 You've got this inner dialogue and something new to argue about, in addition to all the old stuff you are already arguing with yourself about. 00:05:53.920 --> 00:06:00.959 But taking forever off the table doesn't mean that you don't decide anything because that's another trap. 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:06.879 If we think, well, I don't have to decide forever, so I'll just wing it and see how it goes. 00:06:07.120 --> 00:06:14.160 Well, you've probably already figured out how I'll just wing it and see how it goes goes. 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:19.519 So far, it probably hasn't been super successful. 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.240 You still need to pick a direction. 00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:24.319 So are you cutting back? 00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:26.800 Okay, cutting back to what? 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:34.319 Like, what does that actually look like on a Tuesday night or a Friday night? 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:40.480 Or when you have an event, or when you are out to dinner with your husband. 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:44.399 You have to think about these things and plan around them. 00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:48.240 So here's the question I want you to sit with. 00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:55.680 And I I really mean like sit with it in prayer, journal about it, and really think about this. 00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:07.120 If you could have a perfect relationship with alcohol, and I'm putting perfect in air quotes here, what would that look like? 00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:20.240 Like, what would it feel like not to have alcohol running the show, to not be thinking about it at two in the afternoon, to not be managing it, not feel like it's managing you. 00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:24.959 Get very specific, like nerdy specific. 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:28.399 And then we work backwards. 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:30.399 Okay, how do I get there? 00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:34.560 And this is work that I do with my clients, especially my one-on-one clients. 00:07:35.279 --> 00:07:38.319 This is where I am, this is where I want to be. 00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:40.000 How do I get there? 00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:49.279 But then there's the other question, which can be difficult to ask, but needs to be asked, and that is can I get there? 00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:57.360 And you're not gonna necessarily have that answer to that particular question right away. 00:07:57.680 --> 00:08:02.399 But that is a question that you need to keep coming back to. 00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:22.480 Because sometimes when women actually sit with that question and really take time to think about the past, think about what's worked, what hasn't worked, what they've tried, um, you know what would give them the most peace. 00:08:23.519 --> 00:08:30.800 The picture that they come up with, sometimes it doesn't have wine in it at all, which surprises them. 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:37.840 And then sometimes it does, but it comes with some real changes. 00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:47.039 So either way, now you're making a decision from clarity instead of from that exhausting all-day negotiation. 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:50.559 All right, now let's talk about the next one. 00:08:50.799 --> 00:08:52.399 And this one's sneaky. 00:08:53.279 --> 00:09:00.879 Women will say to me, Christy, I decided I was going to have a glass of wine on Saturday, just like I planned. 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:02.399 I gave myself permission. 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:03.679 I wasn't sneaking it. 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:11.200 My husband knew I was having it, everybody knew I was having it, and I still felt guilty drinking it. 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:13.519 What is wrong with me? 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:15.600 Did I make things worse? 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:18.559 First of all, nothing is wrong with you. 00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:25.759 But the the next thought that kind of comes up right after that is I should be further along by now. 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:27.840 I should have this figured out. 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:31.679 And I'm like, girl, you started two weeks ago. 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:33.600 Give yourself some time. 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:35.200 There's still a lot of learning. 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:38.399 You think of it as like an a science experiment. 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:40.000 You can't just do it. 00:09:40.159 --> 00:09:51.200 You have to like let things happen and try things out and tweak things and and change things and examine things. 00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:54.720 It's okay that you don't have it figured out right now. 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:57.440 I would not expect you to. 00:09:57.840 --> 00:10:04.879 And you shouldn't be further along because again, we have a lot of work to do still. 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:17.279 So that said, I don't think that what's coming up is actually guilt, even though that's the way it's expressed by most of my clients. 00:10:17.519 --> 00:10:24.559 What I think it is, just from my experience and what I see, is that it's awareness. 00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:29.600 So for years, that glass of wine was just a thing that happened. 00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:37.600 You got home, you poured it, you drank it, you made dinner, and nobody thought twice about it, including you. 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:47.120 But now the

light is on, remember the closet, the lights on, and you can't unsee what you've already seen. 00:10:47.440 --> 00:10:53.759 So when you pour that glass, there's this little part of you that's going, hmm, I see you. 00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:57.840 And that feels super uncomfortable. 00:10:58.080 --> 00:10:59.519 Of course it does. 00:10:59.840 --> 00:11:13.120 You've been able to keep this kind of covered up for a long time, but I don't mean that in like a shady way, just in a I don't really need to look at this, or I don't want to look at this kind of way. 00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:17.919 That uncomfortable feeling is not a sign that you are failing. 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:22.720 What it is, is a sign that you are awake to what is going on. 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:24.639 You have that awareness. 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:29.120 And again, you cannot change what you cannot see. 00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:35.039 So honestly, that feeling is kind of a good sign. 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:36.879 I know that sounds weird. 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:40.080 People don't believe me when I say that, but I mean it. 00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:41.919 It is a good sign. 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:45.120 All right, let's talk about grief. 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:53.279 This one surprises people every single time because who expects to grieve a drink or a substance? 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:54.799 Nobody really. 00:11:55.279 --> 00:12:00.559 But it can honestly feel like a really hard breakup. 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:06.960 And all of a sudden, you're picturing every wedding, every vacation, and everybody's having fun. 00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:09.679 And there you are holding a club soda. 00:12:10.480 --> 00:12:13.519 Here's what I see happen over and over. 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:23.200 Every time my clients bring this up, which is so often, I just envision her holding the alcohol in her hand. 00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:28.639 And as we are working, as we are talking, little by little, she's loosening her grip. 00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:31.679 She's actually starting to let it go. 00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:34.799 She's doing the work, she's seeing the things. 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:37.120 She is making progress. 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:44.639 And then right at the moment when she's almost there, the thought hits wait, never again, like ever. 00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:48.799 And she clamps right back down on it, like a death grip. 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:50.799 That is grief. 00:12:51.440 --> 00:13:09.679 And I want you to know it is real and it makes absolute total sense because alcohol has been there for a lot for birthdays, for hard days, for good days, for every Friday night for like the past 15 years. 00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:22.320 So, of course, letting go of something that's been woven into so many aspects of your life, that feels like losing something. 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:26.960 But feeling grief doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice. 00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:28.080 Not at all. 00:13:28.879 -->

00:13:32.159 That's the thing that I need you to hear. 00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:40.480 Grief shows up anytime, anytime we let go of something that's played a big role in our lives. 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:47.759 Even when letting go is exactly the thing we need to do. 00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:51.759 So if you feel it, like don't freak out about it. 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:56.799 And don't let it talk you into clamping your hand back down around it. 00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.000 Just notice it and name it. 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:03.759 You can say, Oh, oh, I see. 00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:08.159 And that's okay. 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:12.399 And that alone will take some of the power out of it. 00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:16.639 And then of course, we have to talk about the soul piece. 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:20.799 And for a lot of you, this is where it gets really interesting. 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:31.120 Because I think for so many of us, faith and wine lived in two totally separate worlds, which sounds weird as Catholics, right? 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:37.679 Because we have uh the precious blood, which is wine, turned into the blood of Christ. 00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:46.240 But as far as you know, your regular everyday drinking, it was in two different aspects of your life. 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:58.240 You go to mass, you pray the rosary, you're in Bible study, and then over here, totally unrelated, there's your glass or three of wine every night. 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:06.320 And those two things never really coincided, or you didn't really, they didn't really connect in any way. 00:15:06.639 --> 00:15:13.200 But then when you started looking at your drinking, really examining it, all of a sudden you're bringing it to prayer. 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:15.279 You're journaling about it. 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:22.559 You are boldly, boldly asking the Lord, okay, what is this really about? 00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:24.000 Why do I reach for it? 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:25.919 What am I avoiding? 00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:30.399 What do you, Lord, think about my drinking? 00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:37.759 And some women will tell me, Christy, I really feel like he's inviting me to set it down. 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:39.919 It's very clear. 00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:43.120 But other women say, I don't know. 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:44.000 I'm not sure. 00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:47.360 I don't know if God is asking me to set it down at all. 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:49.679 I don't know what he wants here. 00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:55.120 And both of those are okay because they're both part of discernment. 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:56.799 That's what discernment looks like. 00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:00.799 It's not always this lightning bolt decision. 00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:03.679 But here's what I love. 00:16:04.159 --> 00:16:12.399 Just the fact that you are asking him means that you are bringing it to him and you're finally letting him in. 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.600 You've brought him into the conversation. 00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:22.960 And your habit is not off in its own little corner or in the dark anymore. 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:27.360 You've brought it to the light, brought it to the Lord, and that is huge. 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:30.720 And I say huge, but you know what I mean. 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:31.759 Very important. 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:36.000 It's really the place where transformation starts. 00:16:37.279 --> 00:16:40.799 So you don't need to know this answer today. 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:49.440 Just keep asking, keep pressing in, keep listening, and pay attention to what keeps coming up in prayer. 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:53.200 Because usually it's the thing that keeps coming up. 00:16:53.519 --> 00:17:01.679 And in my experience, clarity usually comes as you walk forward, not before you take the first step. 00:17:01.919 --> 00:17:05.440 He doesn't usually just hand us the whole map. 00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:08.880 I like to say he lays down these holy breadcrumbs. 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:22.000 So we don't even know what that is going to look like, but he gives us enough light for the way and lays those little holy breadcrumbs along the way for us to pick up. 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:45.759 So if you've started looking at your drinking and it feels messier than it did before, like you're thinking about it more and you feel weird when you pour a glass, you're grieving something that you did not expect to grieve, you're flip-flopping on forever, and you're asking God what He wants and not really getting the answer yet. 00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:49.359 None of that means that you're doing it wrong. 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:58.799 It just means that the closet door is open, everything's out on the floor, and that is exactly where it needs to be. 00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:02.720 That's where it has to be for the sorting to begin. 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:09.279 And I'm here to let you know that you do not have to sort this out all by yourself. 00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:16.960 Because on November 15th, I'm opening the doors to my sober-ish Advent and New Year program. 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:21.680 And the timing couldn't be better for the holidays. 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:24.240 We are going to walk through Advent together. 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:27.759 We're going to walk through January together. 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.039 And you'll be doing it with other Catholic women. 00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:36.640 There's weekly group coaching, there's daily reflections, there's a community. 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:38.400 It's fantastic. 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:39.920 And it's sober-ish. 00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:41.519 You don't have to commit to anything. 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:53.519 This is a place where you start again sorting through, you know, what's been going on and what role you want alcohol to play in your life. 00:18:53.839 --> 00:19:02.000 So if you want to be one of the first people who knows when the doors open, go grab my free Sacred Sobriety Kickstart. 00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:06.720 It's a five-video series delivered over five days. 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:09.599 And when you sign up, you'll be on my email list. 00:19:09.680 --> 00:19:12.720 So you'll hear about it as soon as my doors open. 00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:22.640 And in the meantime, if you work through my Sacred Sobriety Kickstart, you're going to start to get a feel for how I coach and some of the tools that we actually use. 00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:24.880 So you'll even have a head start. 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:28.720 Again, it's free, and the link is in the show notes. 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:33.759 Okay, friend, go open that closet and I will see you next week. 00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:38.880 Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. 00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:47.519 I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well. 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:50.799 And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. 00:19:51.039 --> 00:20:04.000 I am the Catholic Sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic Sobriety.