Full Transcript for #145: Why You Keep Repeating the Same Mistakes

00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:20.480 Like I'm literally more wrong than I am right. 00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:24.879 Like, and and for almost all humans, that is true. 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:30.399 I mean, I would say uh I I never like to say all, but I in this case I would say all. 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:34.000 All humans are wrong all the time. 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:34.720 Yes. 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:44.639 And what I mean by that is you're never fully right because the the universe, the systems that you're in are much more complex than any of your mental models are going to be. 00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:46.399 You're not gonna capture everything. 00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:46.879 Right. 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:50.240 So you're wrong and right in percentages. 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:55.680 You're you you could be even 80% right, and you're still 20% wrong. 00:04:56.079 --> 00:04:56.399 Yeah. 00:04:56.720 --> 00:04:59.680 We want everyone in the world on the path to pro. 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.000 White belt, yellow belt, blue belt, landing in the PST credential. 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:07.040 The professional systems thinker credential. 00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:19.279 And that's not just personal, it's also part of a wider vision of 8 billion systems thinkers above the standard, which is the professional systems thinker or PST. 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:23.040 Count yourself into it and let's change ourselves. 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:26.000 And when we change ourselves, we change the world. 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:29.439 There's some part of your thinking that's wrong about everything. 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:35.199 And so if you start with that premise, then you realize that being wrong is the natural condition. 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:39.600 And it doesn't have so much loaded so many, you know, yeah. 00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:41.040 Who's not wrong? 00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:44.879 You know, we're all wrong about something, and we're all wrong most of the time. 00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:47.600 Like if we really get to the technical details. 00:05:47.759 --> 00:05:49.920 I mean, you you discover this in science. 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:51.360 You get a tremendous humility. 00:05:51.519 --> 00:06:06.800 In fact, I I believe in many cases the best doctoral advisors are the ones who understand that getting a PhD is just about creating humility, which might not seem like it when you meet people with PhDs, but it really is about scientific humility. 00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:17.519 It's like you could do the most bang-up study with the all the controls and all the variables and all that, and and you could think of everything, there's still something wrong with that study. 00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:19.920 It could be published in the best journals. 00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:24.319 There's not a single study that you can't find something wrong with. 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:24.879 Yes. 00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:27.199 Because you can't boil the ocean. 00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:33.040 You know, you do

you you you're you're by definition taking a chunk of reality and measuring it. 00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:37.920 And and in order to the more you want to refine the measurement, the smaller you have to get. 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:38.560 Right. 00:06:38.879 --> 00:06:41.360 You're wrong about everything that lies outside of that. 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:52.000 You're wrong about how that thing you might be right about how X causes Y in this very limited context, but when you go to a larger context, X might not simply cause Y. 00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:54.879 X might be have other factors and things like that. 00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:58.879 So being wrong is just something that we should get comfortable with. 00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:02.959 Right, because accepting that there's some room for improvement is the way that you grow. 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:05.600 It's literally how you become amazing. 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:10.720 In fact, the more you can accept that you're wrong, the righter you'll be in life. 00:07:10.959 --> 00:07:13.199 That's a paradox that is very strange. 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:13.519 Yeah. 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:18.240 And that people sort of, I think, would find like, how does that work? 00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:31.839 But a big part of why I think I uh know some of the things I know today is because I've just I've messed up so many times, and my principle is learning. 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:38.720 You know, like you can you can mess up, but you can't mess up and not learn. 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:39.279 Yes. 00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:40.079 That's the key. 00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:43.279 Because if you mess up, it's a cost. 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:50.000 But if you mess up and don't learn, then it's a cost that you got nothing for. 00:07:50.160 --> 00:07:50.240 Right. 00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:51.279 Nothing in return. 00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:52.240 There was no benefit. 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:53.600 So it's all loss. 00:07:54.079 --> 00:08:02.639 If you have that mess up of that loss and you learn, then it's a terrific uh return on investment for the mess up. 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:14.639 And if you multiply that times every day for 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, pretty soon you have what we sometimes call wisdom, right? 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:15.120 Yeah. 00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:33.039 The problem is if you're defensive every time you mess up, if you close up, if you defend, if you build your castle, you build your moat, you put alligators in the moat, you make it so you can never get past the defense, then you don't learn and you stay that way forever. 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:33.600 Right. 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:58.639 And that gets back to where we started, which is if there's a moment where I make a mistake and I don't learn from it, and then I make that mistake again and I don't learn from it, and then I make that mistake again, if I'm constantly just defending to that instance, I'm not seeing actually the way I'm getting myself into a pattern trouble set of behaviors that are maybe troublesome or I want to say deleterious, but that's such you know just not good for me. 00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:00.559 Like outcomes of the same mistakes. 00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:07.039 So then I guess the question is if if you know, like so let's take the example of talking to one of our kids about their phones. 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:07.759 Yes. 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:16.000 And we repeatedly say, Hey, you know, you're not engaged with X, Y, Z because you're constantly just engaged on your phone. 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:24.399 And over time, let's say the fourth time, they say, But I'm not on my phone right now, I'm looking at you, I'm talking to you. 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:24.879 Right. 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:31.600 How do you help that person see what's behind that, like the pattern of the R. 00:09:31.759 --> 00:09:34.000 Well, you have you have this conversation with them. 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:42.240 You you you have if they're not seeing that difference, they're not making a distinction between the instantiation or the instance and the pattern. 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:42.720 Yeah. 00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:45.919 So one's an instance of a pattern and one's a pattern. 00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:53.919 If they don't understand that difference, if they can't distinguish that difference, then they're not gonna be able to you know they're not gonna be able to understand it. 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.159 So I'll give I'll give you an example. 00:09:56.240 --> 00:10:09.360 You know, when the when the first plane hit the Twin Towers, everybody in America had a similar thought, which was it's probably like a somebody in a pi a a Cessna. 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:10.559 Like an accident. 00:10:10.799 --> 00:10:14.720 You know, a small plane hit a building, hit one of the twin towers. 00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:15.200 Yeah. 00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:18.879 As soon as it was two planes, that's a pattern. 00:10:19.279 --> 00:10:21.120 So a pattern is two or more. 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:21.840 Yeah. 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:24.159 You can't establish a pattern on one. 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:24.799 Right. 00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:31.600 What you want to be looking for in life is uh, you know, at the second plane, it was instantly terrorism. 00:10:32.320 --> 00:10:35.279 At the first plane, it was like small plane accident. 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:35.600 Yeah. 00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:38.240 You know, because we've had small planes run into buildings. 00:10:38.559 --> 00:10:43.360 So if you s uh understand the patterns, then you can fix them. 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:53.039 But if you don't see the pattern, if you see every instantiation as a different thing, then you won't even know about the pattern and you won't fix the pattern. 00:10:53.200 --> 00:11:03.919 And the problem with life is the pattern reveals itself in different contexts, under different names, under different colors, under different auspices, right? 00:11:04.080 -->

00:11:07.519 It's different it looks different, but it's the same pattern. 00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:14.720 It's like if I if I date the same person, you know, I have four people that I date, right? 00:11:14.960 --> 00:11:15.600 Over time. 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:15.840 Yeah. 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:16.960 Over ten years. 00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:17.360 Yeah. 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:20.000 And each each one has a name, you know. 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:21.440 They have different names. 00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:22.480 They look different. 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:23.519 They're different people. 00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:24.320 They're different. 00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:25.919 They have different histories. 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:28.240 So you go, oh, they're different. 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:28.720 Right. 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:43.039 But then you look at, oh, I had a I had a dysfunctional relationship with this one, and then I had a dysfunctional relationship with this one, and then I had a dysfunctional relationship with this one, and then I had a dysfunctional relationship with this one, and you go, huh. 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:44.240 Interesting. 00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:49.519 And then you go, well, you know, there's one common denominator, which is me. 00:11:49.919 --> 00:11:50.480 Right. 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:53.919 And even though these are not common. 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:55.120 They're different, yeah. 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:58.559 Even though they're different, there's something the same about them. 00:11:58.799 --> 00:12:05.039 And so there's something about this that is similar to this, analogous to this, you know. 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:09.600 And then you go, oh, okay, I keep picking people who are a certain way. 00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:11.840 I keep bringing those people into my life. 00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:19.519 Well, and I also think there's a there's something about when you start to see that there's a pattern, you can see the underlying structure and components. 00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:23.279 Because right now, in MIO terms, this is I. 00:12:23.519 --> 00:12:26.159 So at the informational level, they seem different. 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:29.679 But at the structural level, there's something about each one of these. 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:36.960 And about the relationship of attraction to that and about whatever that's serving in you. 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:37.360 Yes. 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:46.320 And so uh you could think about it this way: like something about this type of person is interacting and being attracted to something about me. 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:47.759 Which is dysfunctional. 00:12:48.159 --> 00:12:52.639 Which which is creating this, you know, in this case, a dysfunctional relationship. 00:12:53.039 --> 00:12:53.360 Right? 00:12:53.600 --> 00:12:56.879 Or replace those four people with four jobs. 00:12:57.200 --> 00:12:57.519 Yeah. 00:12:57.840 --> 00:12:58.159 Right? 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:03.120 Or replace those four peep jobs and people with four decisions that you made. 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:03.519 Yes. 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:05.279 Or four choices that you made. 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:05.600 Yes. 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:07.440 It doesn't really matter what's up there. 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:09.440 It's it what matters is the pattern. 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:14.320 And then you get to see, oh, there's this relational pattern that I'm getting in. 00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:24.080 I keep making these kinds of choices, I keep making choosing these kinds of jobs, I keep choosing these kinds of friends, I keep choosing these kinds of people. 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:33.919 And what is it about what part of me is is reaching out for that, what part of them or you know, and what am I trying to serve? 00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:34.559 Right. 00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:41.039 And I I would take it a step further, which is you already said it, but you can't you can't fix it until you see it. 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:41.440 No. 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:41.840 Right. 00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:46.159 And so, like what you just did, you just literally drew it out in very simple terms. 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:57.919 You know, like, okay, I need to think about what is the commonality across these four instantiations that can give me insight into breaking a pattern of, in this case, poor choices. 00:13:58.159 --> 00:13:58.399 Yes. 00:13:58.639 --> 00:14:03.840 Poor people who, for whatever reason, bring out a dysfunctional dynamic between you and them. 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:04.240 Yes. 00:14:04.559 --> 00:14:04.720 Right? 00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:14.080 Because if you don't do this, if you don't kind of put it out on the table and think about it and s and see it as a pattern, there's no promise land here, right? 00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:14.399 No. 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:17.440 Which you're just gonna be of course in this situation. 00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:24.320 The thing is, uh what we were saying earlier is like if you don't see this, you will repeat it. 00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:24.960 Yeah. 00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:32.879 And reality will just k keep handing you that same situation, that same job opportunity, that same relationship opportunity. 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:38.559 Reality will just there's a there's an infinite number of these things that you can interact with. 00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:51.919 And so if we think about you being here as a whole, you the whole, and there's some part of you, and this is a whole, and there's some part of that whole, whether it's a job, a person, it doesn't, it doesn't really matter. 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:53.360 Structurally, it doesn't matter. 00:14:53.519 --> 00:15:03.360 And what's happening is that there's this, if we kind of take blow up this part and this part, there's this relationship between those. 00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:04.080 Yeah. 00:15:04.320 --> 00:15:11.519 Now, you don't have control over this person, this job, this situation, this choice, this kind of

thing, right? 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:13.200 This situation up here. 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:17.600 What you do have agency and can some control over is this part. 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:28.639 And so if you can remedy, reconcile, heal, whatever word you want to use, if you can do something to transform that part, this part is the part that matters. 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:41.279 Because if you can do that, if let's say this part is part of me and I take it away, I I reconcile it, I metabolize it, I I I fix it, whatever word you want to use, then this relationship goes away. 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:43.200 And then this choice goes away. 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:46.879 This choice exists in the world, but you don't interact with it. 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:47.919 You don't choose it. 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.120 And in and you don't seek it out, you seek out something different. 00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:57.600 Yes, and in this example, let's just stick on the example of the four different dysfunctional relationships. 00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:14.080 That part that's in your hand is some piece of your psychology that is attracted to or attracted by a certain type of person or and that causes this negative uh dynamic over and over again. 00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:15.120 Over and over again. 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:17.919 And you can imagine like it could be the same with your job. 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:21.039 Like why am I taking jobs that I constantly feel XYZ? 00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:21.600 Yes. 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:29.360 And then eventually, once you see the pattern of why you're choosing what you're choosing, you can make a different choice because you've recognized what that thing is. 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:35.840 And that pattern could be very, very small, like why do I choose this every day to eat? 00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:45.039 Or why do I or it could be very big, like who you choose to marry, or you know, what who you what job, what job you're attracted to, right? 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:47.120 And why are you attracted to that job? 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:55.679 Are you attracted to it for some you know, because it says something about your identity, or are you attracted to it because you deeply love what you're doing? 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:56.240 Right. 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:56.799 Right? 00:16:56.960 --> 00:16:58.480 And you know, is it ego? 00:16:58.639 --> 00:16:59.840 Because you're gonna pay a lot. 00:17:00.000 --> 00:17:08.720 You can get that job for ego, yeah, but you're gonna pay a lot for that choice, for this little ego here, or big ego, right? 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:09.920 You're gonna pay a lot. 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:18.799 It'd be it'd be much smarter to reconcile your ego, for example, and not need that job or that situation. 00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:19.359 Right. 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:25.599 And I think what's important is on the ground, this person, they're not understanding why this didn't work. 00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:27.279 And they

don't understand why this didn't work. 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:29.039 And they don't understand why this didn't work. 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:42.079 And they don't understand what and so they're they're trying to troubleshoot each instance instantiation and more and more frustration that why do I keep doing you know, why did I do this with this person? 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:42.799 Why this? 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:46.079 So if you treat it as four separate things, that's right. 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:52.480 You're gonna be spinning and you're gonna be frustrated and you're not gonna feel I'm gonna color this q-tip red at the end. 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:54.000 Oh, see, that's kind of fun. 00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:58.720 And the reason that people do that is all about this q-tip, right? 00:17:59.279 --> 00:18:06.720 Which is they experience that this wor this universe, this reality, this part of the world is happening to them. 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:09.359 The arrow is going this way. 00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:11.279 The red is going this way. 00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:18.720 It's happening to them, and then it's happening to them again, and then it's happening to them again, and then it's happening to them again. 00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:23.599 What they don't see is the arrow is also going this way, which is they are happening to the universe. 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:24.640 Does that make sense? 00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:32.079 And so the what the w in this particular case, for example, it's like you have it's like you're in a radio station. 00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:35.119 You have your own W Y O U. 00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:36.160 Right? 00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:37.200 That's clever. 00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:38.400 That's your radio system. 00:18:39.119 --> 00:18:39.759 I'm transmitting radio. 00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:47.519 And you're transmitting energy, you're transmitting attitude, you're transmitting all these things that you don't even that you're not saying, it's just kind of obvious, right? 00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:50.000 It's good and and it's a particular station. 00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:55.920 And it plays particular kind of music that's that's only WYOU music. 00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:56.400 Yeah. 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.119 And there are people out there who are tuning into that kind of music. 00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:04.000 And they go, oh, they oh, go back. 00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:05.839 They don't have dials anymore. 00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:08.000 But in the old days we had dials, right? 00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:09.839 And you tune into that kind of music. 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:10.079 Yeah. 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:11.599 They don't even have radio anymore. 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:13.279 They have, you know, Spotify or something. 00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:14.319 But some people have radio. 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:16.880 You're tuning into that, it's on your Spotify account. 00:19:16.960 --> 00:19:17.920 It's recommendations. 00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:19.359 There's recommendations, right? 00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:21.359 Let's modernize your analytics. 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:22.880 I'll modernize my analogy. 00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:26.079 So you're getting recommendations. 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:27.599 Well, how are you getting recommendations? 00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:29.119 By the signal that you're putting out. 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:29.680 Yes. 00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:31.440 You're getting recommendations. 00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:37.279 And so these are showing up over and over again because of because of your broadcast channel. 00:19:37.519 --> 00:19:37.839 Yes. 00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:42.480 So if you change this thing, then that's no longer in the broadcast. 00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:45.519 It changes what you're it changes what you're broadcasting. 00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:45.839 Yeah. 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:53.279 And you'll attract the kind of person or the kind of job or the kind of situation that you're looking for once this thing is gone. 00:19:53.440 --> 00:20:03.200 But if this thing is driving you to choose certain things, certain types of things for certain types of reasons, then it they're gonna keep showing up. 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:05.599 There's an unlimited supply of them in reality. 00:20:05.839 --> 00:20:06.160 Yeah. 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:08.079 It's not like you're getting unlucky. 00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:12.240 That's what I think a lot of people think is like, yeah, oh, I just can't change my luck, you know. 00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:17.839 I just keep finding these terrible people or you know terrible jobs or terrible friends. 00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:20.400 Well, it's a pattern. 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:22.960 What's the structure of the pattern, right? 00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:23.279 Yeah. 00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:27.440 And if you do that, you can change things very quickly. 00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:28.240 That's true. 00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:28.559 Yeah. 00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:30.480 And you can have more agency. 00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:32.559 Sorry, that's the part about the arrow. 00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:40.720 When you realize that the arrow is pointing outward, you realize that you have tremendous agency in what you are able to accomplish and do in your life. 00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:48.240 Well, the way I like to look at that also is you can see that you're you're part of the problem, and so you can therefore be the solution, right? 00:20:48.720 --> 00:20:49.039 Bingo. 00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:51.279 If I'm like, okay, well, it's actually me. 00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:52.240 A hundred percent. 00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:53.279 It's actually this. 00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:56.960 And I can change this because it's part of me, and I'm in control of me. 00:20:57.359 --> 00:21:01.359 The best situation you can be in in life is to have it be all your fault. 00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:04.160 Yeah, because then it's you can then do something about it. 00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:04.559 Yes. 00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:09.200 If it's

not if n if it's truly not any of your fault, right? 00:21:09.440 --> 00:21:12.000 That that you don't have any agency in the matter. 00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:12.480 Yeah. 00:21:12.880 --> 00:21:16.000 Then you don't really have a lot to say about it. 00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:17.599 I mean, I think about my own life. 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:27.680 Some of the times where I was the most down or frustrated or discouraged, it's when there are things that are actually completely out of my control. 00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:28.000 Yeah. 00:21:28.240 --> 00:21:31.200 That I don't have any agency to change. 00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:34.000 And then, you know, you have to figure out how do you cope with that. 00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:37.759 And and well, the first thing is, is there a place where I can have some. 00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:41.119 And is there a place where you have no agency whatsoever? 00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:45.279 Because in most situations, if you look hard enough, there's some. 00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:48.559 You have a significant amount more agency than you think you do. 00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:52.400 And part of the problem is unwinding that mental model that you don't have any. 00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:57.920 And people like to, you know, they like the comfort of feeling like, oh, this is not my fault. 00:21:58.160 --> 00:22:03.359 But you uh you kind of Want it to be your fault because then you can do something about it. 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:09.839 So I kinda try to look for like, geez, you know, let's look for how is this my fault? 00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:10.480 Yeah. 00:22:10.799 --> 00:22:12.480 So that I can do something about it. 00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:19.359 Because if I can find the causality or or even that I'm part of a web of causality, then I can change that. 00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:26.400 Like when two people interact in a dysfunctional way, not all of it is your fault, but your part of it is your fault. 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:26.799 Yeah. 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:29.839 And you and you can do something about that part of it. 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:36.160 And it will either break the dysfunctional relationship or make the dysfunctional relationship functional. 00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:37.920 But either way, you're better off. 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:42.880 If the relationship ends or if the relationship fixes, you're better off. 00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:43.519 Yeah. 00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:50.720 And I think one of the things that is if you find yourself in a moment and you're like, ugh, why is this happening again? 00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:52.720 Or here we go again. 00:22:53.279 --> 00:23:02.400 Challenge yourself to not just think about the situation that you're dealing with right now and say, because a lot of us have like an intuition, I think I've been here before. 00:23:02.559 --> 00:23:02.720 Yeah. 00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:04.400 And sometimes we don't want to hear that. 00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:07.839 And sometimes the best thing to say is, I have been here before. 00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:10.160 And let me go back and trace. 00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:20.960 Because then you're ready to start seeing the underlying pattern, which then gives you the ability to isolate where you've had some choice, some agency that would allow you to break it. 00:23:21.039 --> 00:23:21.279 Totally. 00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:22.480 To break that pattern, right? 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:25.599 I want to be the first to know that I'm wrong about something. 00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:26.079 Yeah. 00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:37.680 I w I want to hear it as soon as humanly possible, as fast as humanly possible, because that's gonna give me the the uh a you know the the power to change it. 00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:39.839 Yeah, and a recognition of that power. 00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:50.240 It's like I know I know it can be scary, but if you if you start with the basic assumption that, like, hey, we're all wrong in some way all the time, like it's really not that scary to be wrong. 00:23:50.480 --> 00:23:53.759 In fact, you're doing really well at it all the time. 00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:56.319 Yeah, you get the wrong award. 00:23:56.720 --> 00:23:58.880 Yeah, like give me the wrong award. 00:23:58.960 --> 00:23:59.359 I would love it. 00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:04.799 Well, I mean I also think we've got a lot of um emotional loading and misperceptions about wrong. 00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:08.720 Like we we assign so much emotion to being wrong. 00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:12.480 The truth is wrong is the predecessor to learning, right? 00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:14.240 Wrong is the predecessor to growth. 00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:20.799 So you should actually embrace wrong as an opportunity to see it differently. 00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:30.880 This is the problem with our school system, this is a problem with our with our organizations, is like people are terrified to make mistakes, people don't want to raise their hand and look dumb. 00:24:31.359 --> 00:24:36.559 I'm like, let's let's embrace our dumbness globally. 00:24:37.440 --> 00:24:40.240 Let's embrace how wrong we are globally. 00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:40.880 Yeah. 00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:46.880 And then once we get over that, then it's like, oh, I have, you know, the best questions are dumb questions. 00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:47.440 Yeah. 00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:47.680 Yeah. 00:24:48.000 --> 00:25:01.440 You walk in any room where people are doing really smart stuff, and you just go like, uh, you know, and you ask a really basic question, and you'll have ten of the top experts in the world look at you and be like, why is it that I can't answer that question? 00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:03.839 And also it's a dumb question, right? 00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:06.000 And you're like, well, it's not dumb enough. 00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:06.640 Yeah. 00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:07.440 Right. 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:08.640 No, that's right. 00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:09.359 That's right. 00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:27.920 And how

many times have we have we been talking with in particular organizational leaders or people inside organizations, and say, and and the leader is frustrated because they're not getting what what the output that they want, but then the the people in the organization are complaining, well, we don't want to be wrong, so we do our best. 00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:28.319 Yeah. 00:25:28.640 --> 00:25:36.720 You know, and so there's this mental model of wrong being bad, rather than the organizations we see that do well are like, let's try a lot of stuff. 00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:40.640 Let's be wrong a few times, because then we can narrow in on the right. 00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:41.039 Yep. 00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:43.519 And that that's true f across these contexts. 00:25:43.839 --> 00:25:58.240 And you're right that everybody a a lot of people build this m this little mental model that is very common, which is, you know, this is wrong and right, and this is bad and good. 00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:03.279 We make this very fast assumption that when I'm wrong, I'm bad, and when I'm right, I'm good. 00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:03.519 Yeah. 00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:09.039 And that's just like that couldn't be a w a worse mental model to run your day. 00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:09.599 Right. 00:26:09.839 --> 00:26:18.319 Because one, you're being super judgy about bad and good, which is gonna just really make you avoid being wrong. 00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:23.200 And and even when you're wrong, you're gonna cover to make it make yourself right. 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:26.240 If you do that, you know, every day. 00:26:26.559 --> 00:26:29.440 Imagine all of your progress is incremental. 00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:30.240 Think about that. 00:26:30.400 --> 00:26:32.640 All of your progress is in tiny steps. 00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:32.960 Yeah. 00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:37.599 That's how all real progress occurs, in tiny steps, right? 00:26:37.839 --> 00:26:41.200 So now imagine that every day you run this model. 00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:46.079 You're in tiny steps downward, not upward. 00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:46.720 Yeah, yeah. 00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:46.960 Right. 00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:47.440 Yeah. 00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:51.119 So you're getting better and better at being worse and worse. 00:26:51.759 --> 00:26:53.920 That's not a good pattern to be. 00:26:54.319 --> 00:26:54.880 It's not good. 00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:56.480 Yeah, it's not. 00:26:57.599 --> 00:27:09.839 Well, it's uh by not good, I mean it's like you're not gonna end up happy, you're not gonna end up functional, you're gonna you're gonna s you're gonna be in what's called a positive feedback loop, reinforcing feedback loop. 00:27:10.079 --> 00:27:10.400 Yeah. 00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:17.119 But it's not positive like like uh yay, it's positive like it's increasingly negative. 00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:21.359 Yeah, the more of this you're gonna experience that, the more yeah, yeah, I get it. 00:27:21.599 --> 00:27:33.680 If you think of

wrong as the opportunity to learn, and you think and you combine that with, hey, is this a pattern, just asking that question, then you have a chance at sort of breaking those patterns. 00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:36.160 And we all have patterns of this type of stuff. 00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:40.480 Anything in our life, where I've been here, I've done this, why am I doing this again? 00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:41.920 Nothing but patterns. 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:42.880 It's all patterns. 00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:43.359 Yeah. 00:27:43.599 --> 00:27:44.480 All the way down. 00:27:44.720 --> 00:27:48.559 And and so if you look for the patterns, and then that's step one. 00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:51.599 Don't deal in instantiations, deal in patterns. 00:27:51.759 --> 00:27:57.279 And step two is look for where you're a part of that pattern. 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:03.119 And that'll give you the empowerment and the agency to change it. 00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:04.559 Yeah, I think that's right. 00:28:04.799 --> 00:28:09.359 It'll literally point to the solution that you have to choose to change that pattern. 00:28:09.519 --> 00:28:09.759 Yeah. 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:12.319 And you can be out of it faster than you think. 00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:13.839 Yes, for sure. 00:28:14.000 --> 00:28:17.759 Because it's just it's just the recognition of it that is 90% of the game. 00:28:18.160 --> 00:28:19.519 Can't fix it if you can't see it. 00:28:19.759 --> 00:28:20.079 That's true. 00:28:20.319 --> 00:28:20.960 I mean, think about that. 00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:29.359 If I brought you a table that had a broken leg and I blindfolded you, how hard would it be to like fix that table? 00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:31.039 It's gonna be really, really hard. 00:28:31.279 --> 00:28:31.920 It would be hard. 00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:34.480 It's gonna take you a long time to even figure out what's broken. 00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:35.519 Yeah, that's right. 00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:39.359 If you can't see it, it's very, very difficult to fix it. 00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:39.759 Yeah. 00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:44.400 So it's just that's why metacognition is so critically important. 00:28:44.559 --> 00:28:48.799 It's the most important skill that we humans have. 00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:52.720 And it's it's that ability to see yourself. 00:28:52.880 --> 00:28:53.039 Yeah. 00:28:53.279 --> 00:29:03.359 And if you if you have that ability, then anything's possible because you can you can f fix any problem, you can create any developmental routine. 00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:07.920 You know, it's really very empowering to have metacognition or awareness seen. 00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:08.960 Yeah, that's right. 00:29:09.279 --> 00:29:10.000 That's a good one. 00:29:10.319 --> 00:29:10.960 It is a good one. 00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:12.160 I was thinking about it came up with it. 00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:12.880 You picked a good one. 00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:13.920 You picked a winner today. 00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:14.960 Yeah, well, you know. 00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:18.480 I think the things that come out of daily life are probably the most interesting. 00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:21.920 Because this happened last week, so I was thinking about it structurally. 00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:32.480 What's remarkable is those little things in daily life we're doing the same science as the things that we think of as being scientific and really technical. 00:29:32.720 --> 00:29:42.720 You know, daily life is very complex and and very you have to be scientific to have a better life, have a better business. 00:29:43.200 --> 00:29:52.319 Einstein was uh quoted as saying the whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking. 00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:52.799 Yeah. 00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:57.680 And I think that's one of the most profound statements I've I've ever come across. 00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:58.720 Because it's true. 00:29:58.960 --> 00:29:59.200 Yeah. 00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:04.079 We should all be considering ourselves scientists of our own lives. 00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:04.720 Yeah. 00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:07.279 And we and science is not a job. 00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:13.759 Science is a disposition to want to know the truth of stuff. 00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:17.279 Like you want to know what you're contributing to this pattern. 00:30:17.519 --> 00:30:20.160 I want to know that because I'm a scientist of my own life. 00:30:20.559 --> 00:30:20.799 Yeah. 00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:26.799 And I think I think a lot of it is just asking yourself, you know, if you're in a situation, is this a pattern? 00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:27.279 Yeah. 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:28.400 What's the pattern? 00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:30.079 How am I a part of it? 00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:34.640 And then you can make different, you know, have different outcomes, different choices. 00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:35.440 I think it's good. 00:30:35.680 --> 00:30:36.559 Hell to the yeah. 00:30:36.799 --> 00:30:38.319 Hell to the yeah, humdope. 00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:40.559 Raise the roof. 00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:42.319 All right. 00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:43.680 That's a wrap.