TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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Hey, it's Kate Brownfield from ADHDkidscanthrive.com. I'm your host and your
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guest today, and we're going to talk about homework with our children who have
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ADHD and why reminders don't work and what might help instead.
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If homework in your house has turned into you asking some version of your child
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on a nightly basis, did you check Google Classroom?
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Did you start your homework? Did you finish your homework?
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Are you sure there isn't anything else due for tomorrow?
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And if this is happening night after night, you will learn as a parent that
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homework can become so much more than just getting the homework done.
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Child starts to get frustrated, you get frustrated, you're trying to be helpful,
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but you feel like it's not working, and you get to a point where it's like,
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am I actually helping anymore, and what can I do?
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And there's one question parents always ask me, and.
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I reflected on this all the time as a parent of my children,
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am I supporting their development of skills around organizational skills,
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planning, thinking, time management when it comes to homework,
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or am I just being the skill on their behalf?
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And that's really what I want to explore with you on this episode.
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I'm not going to give you 10 homework hacks. I want to help you zoom in on what
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is happening with homework, but also zoom out and think about the bigger goal.
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Because getting your child through school in a good way is really the name of the game.
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And by in a good way, I don't mean perfectly or happily.
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I don't mean without missed assignments or frustrating nights.
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I mean helping them get through school.
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Growing capability, less shame, and a relationship with you that isn't completely
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consumed by homework management.
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Tonight's workshop worksheet matters. Tonight's worksheet matters.
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But the bigger question is, what is my child learning about themselves as they move through school?
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So let's start by zooming all the way in.
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Where is homework actually breaking down? Before we try to fix the homework
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problem. We need to understand where the process is breaking down for the child who is in front of you.
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When my son was in junior high, his backpack was a mess.
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Everything was in there. Papers, old papers, assignments, pencils,
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fidgets, food, things that supposedly
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had been turned in but somehow were still living in the backpack.
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If you have this child, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
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And I remember looking ahead toward high school and thinking,
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we got to figure this out.
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And I was looking for an executive function coach or a tutor,
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some kind of outside support that would help my son.
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And I came across this book called The Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week,
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Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life by Anna Homayun. And I read it.
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There's a section about doing this very detailed binder system to transport
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and keep work organized by subject and transport the work back and forth from
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school to home, home to school, in a very organized way.
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And I remember thinking this makes a lot of sense and also.
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There is absolutely no way my child's going to do all of this. So I adapted it.
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And looking back, I think that might have been one of the most useful lessons.
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I didn't say, here's the ADHD system, and now we need to do exactly what she
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is saying in the exact way she is saying it.
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Instead, I said, what part of this actually might work for the child that I have in front of me?
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And for us, that meant we simplified the recommended binder system that she
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writes about in her book.
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We really pared it down and kept it very, very simple.
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And was it perfect? Absolutely not. There were definitely times when I wanted
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to say the binder is literally right there, but it worked well enough.
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And what mattered was that there was now something outside of his brain helping
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him to do some of the remembering and organizing.
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And that is a very important distinction.
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Sometimes our kids don't need another reminder to remember better.
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They need a system that requires less remembering.
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We often say, go do your homework, as though homework is one thing.
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But homework actually
Load full transcript
asks a child to do quite a lot.
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They need to know what was assigned, know where their materials are to be able
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to complete that assignment, figure out where to begin.
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Then they got to get themselves started, stick with the work that is needed,
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finish it, deal with their emotional frustration that's coming soon.
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Up around doing this work and finish it.
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And then somehow remember to get the finished work where it needs to go.
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So your child can completely understand a math assignment and be really good
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at math and still struggle terribly with everything around math.
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That's one of the most useful questions, I think, as a parent you can ask.
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Where is the process breaking down for my child?
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Not why won't They just do it. Why won't they just finish it?
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Just do your homework, right?
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Where is this breaking down?
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Because why they won't do it puts us into a battle with our child.
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Where is this breaking down makes you as a parent curious.
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And curiosity gives us information. Sometimes the problem isn't just organization.
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Sometimes homework has emotional weight attached to it.
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I recently had Brendan Mahan on the podcast talking about what he calls the
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wall of awful. And homework is a great place to see that.
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If your child has had enough difficult experiences with school,
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around school, around homework, sitting down doing the homework at night,
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there's frustration there. There's embarrassment.
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There's a sense of being behind, a feeling of here we go.
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So sometimes the better question isn't, how do I get them to start?
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It's, what is making starting feel so hard?
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And then maybe we lower the doorway into the task.
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Let's see what's due. Let's figure out where to begin.
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Let's do the first piece together.
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Not because you as a parent are taking over, but because sometimes starting is the hardest part.
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Behavior is information it's
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telling us. So let's talk about making a plan that matches the problem.
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Once we understand a little bit more about what is happening, we can make a plan.
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And I mean a plan,
not 15 ADHD strategy. Parents have plenty of information.
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I know many of you read the books, you listen to social media experts,
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you listen to podcasts, and you could still be standing in your kitchen at 730
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at night going, why won't they just get the homework done?
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So let's bring it down to what is the next thing that actually happens.
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My child might need. Maybe your child comes home from school completely spent.
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They've been sitting, focusing, following directions. Maybe they've been getting in trouble all day.
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They're navigating social experiences. They're trying to hold things together all day.
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Even when they're getting in trouble, they're trying to hold it together all day.
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And then we say, okay, come home, do your homework, and then move on with life, right? So.
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Let's think about this. Maybe they need a little transition.
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Maybe they need food, water, movement, some downtime.
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Not because the homework is going to go away, but because timing matters.
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Maybe getting started is the sticky point.
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Then the first step needs to be tiny, a tiny first step. Open the Google Classroom,
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find the assignment. Let's do the first problem together.
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Just put your name at the top of the paper.
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Maybe your child works better when somebody is nearby. You might want to sit
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at the kitchen table doing your own work while they work. That's called body doubling.
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You're not hovering. You're not nagging. You're just simply there with them.
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The goal here is not to collect strategies. The goal is to match the support
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to where your child needs the support.
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You have my permission to do that. Okay, the other point I want to make is when
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helping starts to cause parents. So I want to zoom out just a little bit.
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Because there was another part of the binder story personally that I understand
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very differently now in my life.
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My son did not use the binder perfectly, as I mentioned, but when he didn't
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use it, I would get frustrated.
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And at the time, I was thinking, just use the binder, or why didn't you turn
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that in? It was right there attached to the binder.
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But looking back, I see there was another
layer underneath my frustration.
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When the system failed, the work came back to me. If the assignment disappeared,
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suddenly I was thinking about it. Where is it? Was it turned in?
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Can we find another copy?
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What's going to happen to the great, right? His missing work was taking up space in my brain.
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And I had my own life, my own work, my own responsibilities,
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things I wanted to actually think about.
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I had already done school, and I didn't particularly want to do it again.
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And that gets exhausting.
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I don't think parents need to feel guilty admitting that.
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You can love your child deeply and also be tired of carrying so much of their
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executive functioning, right?
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Sometimes underneath, why can't you just do that, is actually...
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I don't think I can keep carrying this for both, and that matters.
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Because if the entire homework system only works because one exhausted parent
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is holding the whole thing together, that system probably needs to evolve eventually.
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And that brings me back to, am I supporting their skill development,
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or am I the skill for them?
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And I want to be very clear here, I'm not saying they're old enough, let them fail.
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That is far too simplistic for kids with ADHD. There's a lot of nuance in that.
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And it's very custom based on who your child is in front of you.
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Sometimes our kids need scaffolding for way longer than we expected and envisioned in our mind.
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And that is okay. And scaffolding can change.
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And that's my whole point. So that brings us to the bigger picture here.
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You do not have to be your child's entire team for their entire life.
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Sometimes growing independence doesn't mean they need less support.
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It means the support moves.
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Maybe more of the support comes through a teacher, the resource specialist at their school, a tutor.
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Maybe your child begins having one of those conversations with their teacher
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that you used to have on their behalf.
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They are still supported, but you no longer are the only person holding the whole thing together.
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And that can be really important for your relationship, because eventually we
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don't want every conversation with our child to be, did you do this?
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Did you turn it in? What's due tomorrow?
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Did you check portal? We don't want our primary role to become homework manager.
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And this is where I want to zoom all the way out. We are not just trying to
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get tonight's worksheet turned in.
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We're trying to help our children get through school in a good way. Not perfectly.
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Not without struggle, but in a way that helps them understand themselves,
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in a way that builds capability, in a way that teaches them, this is hard for me.
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This is what's going to help me. I know I need support.
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I'm capable of asking for help. I can make a mistake and recover from it.
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That is the larger goal. And homework is one of those places where we practice
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it on a regular basis over time, over years.
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And there's another piece here that I think parents need permission to look at.
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I grew up with a strong belief that school was something you did correctly.
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You met expectations, you turned things in, you did what you were supposed to do.
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So when my child wasn't succeeding inside that system, some of it started to feel very personal.
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And under that was a really hard, harder question for me. If my child isn't
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succeeding, does that mean I'm failing too?
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This one's taken me years to work through. I don't think I consciously understood
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that at the time, but now I'm wiser for it.
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And when I reflect back, it definitely was something that was happening in the background.
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When your child's school performance starts to feel like you're a report card
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too, stepping back can feel terrifying.
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It doesn't feel like I'm giving my child room to grow.
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It can feel like everything is going to fall apart. So sometimes we need to
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get curious about ourselves too.
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What does my child genuinely need from me right now?
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What am I doing because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't?
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Those are not always the same thing. And this is where advocacy comes in.
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When our kids are younger, we may do a lot of the advocating for them.
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We help teachers understand what they need. We ask
questions when something
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isn't working. We help connect the dots.
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But as they grow, part of getting through school in a good way is helping them
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develop their own voice. For them to say, I'm confused.
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I need help. This isn't working for me. What do I do next? That is self-advocacy.
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And to me, that is part of thriving.
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Independence does not mean I never need anybody. None of us live that way.
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It means I understand myself well enough to recognize when I need support and know what to do next.
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So I don't want to leave you with 10 homework strategies. I want to bring you
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all the way back to this moment.
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Think about one part of your child's school life that you currently carry,
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something you remind them about, something you manage, something you keep track of.
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Don't stop doing it tomorrow because I'm having you reflect on it.
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Just notice it and ask yourself, does my child still genuinely need me to own
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this exactly the way I'm owning it right now?
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And maybe the answer is yes, and that's totally fine.
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But maybe there's one small part that they could begin taking over.
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Maybe the plan needs to change.
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Maybe somebody else needs to become part of the team.
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Maybe something needs to be advocated for your child at school.
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Homework gives us these little daily moments to practice the bigger work.
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The missing worksheet, the messy backpack, child who can't get started.
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Those moments can feel incredibly small and incredibly irritating.
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But underneath them, we're helping a young person learn.
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What do I need? What helps me? Who can support me? And what do I do when something
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doesn't go the way I planned?
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That is the bigger picture. And that brings me back to the idea I want you to
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hear again and again on ADHD Kids Can Thrive.
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Understand what they need. Make a plan.
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Build a team and advocate as they grow.
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Help them learn to do more and more of that for themselves.
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Because getting our kids through school is not just about getting the assignments turned in.
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It is helping them get through school in a good way with growing capability,
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less shame, and knowing that struggle does not mean they are incapable.
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They can struggle and they can still figure out what to do next.
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And to me, my friends, that is part of what it means to thrive in school, at home, and in life.