ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Anna is a bad ass who runs a festival called GirlSchool and I got her on That Was Us to talk break ups. The journal she found had a 10 year break between entries, leaving off on a college boyfriend break up, and starting up with a more adult break up, with a lot of similarities.
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English
United States

TRANSCRIPT

00:00:01this is a head dumb hoe test when you guys are freestyling can you close the door when you guys are free smiley can you close the door was that somebody original about a doctor not a dog have it yourself and that's why it's called that was us disclaimer that we talked about eating disorders in this episode and parent relationships and if that's not something you can hang with right now I will see you next time
00:00:34my cat Janet also the subject of Blaine came up in this conversation and I implied some things that I didn't realize until we listening I do not think it is a parent's fault if their child has an eating disorder I think we live in a world that makes it very difficult to have a good relationship with food if you don't like your body it's probably because you've received thousands of messages everyday telling you not to in the form of advertising for products that will fix all of the unattractive things about you
00:01:11and that's just marketing and it's evil and your body is perfect the way it is and
00:01:21believing that loving your body being good to your body are acts of rebellion
00:01:27especially right now so keep fighting the good fight follow somebody positive people on Instagram I love you is enjoy this episode of that was us hi Anna I Julia is it bull what's your last name Holbrook Holbrook I was going to say bulldok was going to be my guess I always get everyone's last name a complete around thank God the last guest didn't have one or images boyfriend that one's pretty easy it's the word that we a lot of us know yeah it's already in the vernacular I don't have to Brooke yes lubricant applebrook I take intense pleasure in the different ways that my last name gets mangled enjoyable my last name being pronounced correctly will you pronounce it for me Nunes Nunes like I've met you at many Nunes my dad
00:02:27nickname apparently was high noon's hilarious
00:02:36so you are on that was us a podcast where I have 1 guest bring on something that they wrote long ago enough to be interesting and I don't know what that thing is yet but we get to examine it fully I'll ask you a bunch of questions and then we'll talk about who you are now on why you changed and how you changed in like what you've learned since then and stuff like that so can you preface what you're about to read so I live in Los Angeles now I've been here for 12 years but before that I kind of moved here little bit accidentally I right after I graduated from college summer in Colorado between New York and here and then I just kept going west and at the last second and I tell that story because I'm holding a very thick leather bound
00:03:36Crafts People paper Journal that I found while cleaning my apartment 2 years ago after my long-term boyfriend moved out you were together for 6 years we broke up and I found this sweet a fresh clean Journal
00:03:51that was not a fresh clean fertile it had journal entries from almost exactly 10 years before when I broke up with my college boyfriend only writing in here as for my creative writing classes in college is like a tiny bit there's like an extracted Express stick poem about Napoleon there's some free writing about someone named Moira there's some slice-of-life stuff like
00:04:17things like a quotes for my college boyfriend like this this particular Jim orchids don't ground the ground orchids don't grow in the ground they grow on trees and in some stuff so you know it ranges from the deep to the super deep and and so I realized I get the urge to write when I'm going through stuff and feel the need to document and so I whipped out this journal took it to this breakup trip to Ohio and I was writing it and then I found the stuff from 10 years before which was the last time I sort of had a huge break up so I have passages from both breakups I'm ready
00:04:59all right
00:05:02Falling In and Out of Love Boat at this is from 2003 and its from May 7th 2003
00:05:11Falling In and Out of Love is a violent process
00:05:16learning to care about Jeff sucked
00:05:21I screamed the whole delicate way to being in love I mean that I wanted it but I also mean that there something twisted or torn in that process that you never regain but instead move forward limping like a prosthetic person falling out of living like a prosthetic person whatever that means falling out of love with Jeff is such a violent feeling I'm making a mess and I can't even set myself I should just be clear as I can be an honest and all will clear itself up eventually XO Anna is apparently I was Gossip Girl
00:06:00okay is that you already having broken up with him or you like I was in the process it wasn't a clean break we broke up and we did the thing where you like break up many times and then you have the final break up yeah what time I bought him a plant
00:06:18at one of our get back together and I broke up again and I think it was a very painful plant oh
00:06:26that like be as clear and honest as you can be though that's beautiful yeah I don't think I I think I wanted to be that at at 19 I'm not sure I got there
00:06:38I don't know I don't know how many people get there in 19 no I'm getting there at 28th and I still fail all the time and clear and honest and open okay so that's just one of the things are going to read though. Here's another passage from 2003 it was for about a week before the last one
00:07:00I put a fresh baked warm oatmeal chocolate chip cookie in a plastic container with a Milano cookie when I took them out the next day the warm cookie completely overwhelmed the cold ones texture and reduced it to a slightly chewy mass of crumbs gross awesome
00:07:21shit also today I freaked out about Jeff for a while I sweated all day but then I calmed down and I first spoke with him I was even in even more of a state of calmness with the end of the relationship cool triple underlined how emotions work to make us okay then! Oh my God I was so chipper
00:07:47do you remember if it actually did go like smoothly and calmly oh no it was terrible like I tortured that I torture Jeff we broke up we got back together we broke up we got back together and then finally when we broke up broke up he actually moved on and then that's when I answered of processed it it was horrible it was so hot we were in New York it was summer we're broke we were living like around the corner from each other and then ultimately he went on to date a girl who was the one that saw me through the break of that summer and I yeah I remember being not that enthused about that situation no ultimately it is so it was totally okay and he's awesome and you know but now it's great it was great I ate two years later and just at the time I remember is being like horrible okay but like the person who is like hearing you talk about all your deep dark shade in your relationship is also like
00:08:41falling in love with the person that you're that's weird that's like a lot to handle someone like hearing stories about how bad your relationship is and being like I think I like that yeah or hearing hearing stories of you licking her wounds as you're realizing it's really over yeah and then moving forward until like being the next person that person days is super that was that was a a world tilter for me yeah are you still friends with that person you know I wasn't really friends with her before the summer and I was really friends with her after I figured it out shit so no was there that summer and then we weren't we weren't close for the outside of the New York neighbors and then
00:09:31yeah man that is like I forgot about her
00:09:37yeah that happens I mean yeah I saw some shit like that happened in my life where like relationships you know like the incestuous like friend of best friend of your ex type of stuff and it like crumpled entire strong beautiful female friendships that I was just like
00:10:00God damn it why why can't it's almost like I mean I know in your conversation with wife and I was totally eavesdropping again there's a lot of talk about the Forbidden and I really think that things are forbidden it totally enhances and heightens at least for me the thrill of doing it within reason but there is something when it's forbidden it just upset auntie and it makes things so much more intense and juicy and things that you would normally not even care about suddenly become exciting man this is like such a conversation I really want to have about like why why do we want what we can't have why do we want the forbidden
00:10:51I don't know or like brains are so weird so let's say let's say we were all working on something and we were all getting paid the same amount of money we'd all be happy if it was a low amount of money but let's say everyone's making 10 times as much money but one person is making 15 times as much money then we'd all be really unhappy because somebody was getting more yeah I know we're all making so much more money does yeah it's like once you have those value judgments in their brains are super weird it's not rational yeah it's not and then you want to try to rationalize it like
00:11:31whoever is making more money would absolutely be like why do this and that's why but that doesn't help anyone who's pissed about it
00:11:41right and it's like you're less happy making 10 times more money if someone's making 15 times more money then you were whenever I was making exactly the same amount of peanuts
00:11:54brains are so okay are you is there at there's more for you. I'm like Fast Forward 10 years or more years to my last major eighth of a cup 2015 and I have this journal that I found it has 164 pages written on it from college and I broke it up with those dating and going to Ohio and I was like feeling the need to write so this is from June of 2016 first entry in this notebook since 2003 a momentous occasion let's have a party roll on the champagne and accolades in the Eiffel Tower made of Twizzlers just kidding I hate Twizzlers as 12 years later and I'm single again I could probably have written some of the same things about my latest ex that I did about us not as a person but as a process in love out of it
00:12:52I'm in orfeos in Rachel's trailer in Ohio the stars are shockingly bright and clear and my hand can't remember how to write properly anymore one page in and it already hurts but I'm okay I think I think therefore I am okay
00:13:12I have so much desire right now desire to grow to build to improve and yada succeed I can't sleep I can't kiss I'm getting dizzy during yoga I feel that I should summarize the last 12 years somehow maybe through exercise maybe if I'd written more down and have a better sense of who I am where I am
00:13:29Solitude in a beautiful place makes you a philosophical creative want to come back here and then I wrote a list a chart of my exercise trends for the last 12 years oh my God I was like you know what maybe I should make a chart of all the different exercises I've done
00:13:50yeah you tell me about it in 2003 I did a lot of swimming and running I ran 10 miles once in New York 2004 swim run and I got into hiking in Aspen Colorado 2005 got fatter starting capoeira picked up cycling
00:14:08capoeira picked up Vikram started reading 2007 Buick room reading 2008 just be Grimm 2009 Pilgrim running 2010-11 people running from running walk dog I got a dog I guess 2013 run Ashtanga Yoga also walking the dog 2014 a stronger run swim walk the dog 2015 other Fitness classes and walk that is a summary of my adult life via exercise wow that is fucking fascinating to me do you have you always been active like where you consistent and all of those activities every year I think so I think starting in college I got a little bit more into fitness and when I moved out here
00:15:02read this when I was in Aspen I I got really into like Mountain life and hiking and then when I moved out here and I quit playing violin for a little while that's when I picked up like a strong physical discipline
00:15:16but yeah I never played sports but I always moved cuz your super strong I mean we like all touched your bicep at lunch the other day I feel like you are a very strong and like poised person like the like your strength is part of why you're po boys to me I feel like you have to be strong to stand up straight and you have to be strong to like
00:15:42move in some specific way and like I could just even before I saw your bicep like just tell that you were like strong you know thanks yeah and I feel like that is I don't have I did not have any sort of discipline in that way growing up so it's just so foreign to me I didn't either but I had the discipline playing violin so when I stopped practicing Island consistently I still needed to practice something so I practiced moving
00:16:17so do you think that that helped you move through your breakup like was that what what what that seems like a really intentional like okay journal entry First Time in Forever new break up here is me working out like how is that connected
00:16:34I think I think if anything it kind of showed me
00:16:44I didn't I don't think I realize how consistently I had this discipline until I wrote it out as a chart overtime and I got really into things and I stick to them for a while and then I like move to the next thing and totally commit to that and then forget about the old thing a little bit so
00:17:01I think it if anything that's made me feel really
00:17:06I don't know it was really comforting to just see that I always had this consistent thing yeah I mean this list this isn't just cover one break up this is a 12-year long list the ways I've moved which list this is the kind of thing you do when you smoke a lot of weed in a trailer and your friends woods and you're like you know what I'm going to think about my whole life right now that is so important though like that is such a glimpse I mean we all are products of the life we've lived so far like at that's why I do this podcast because I think looking back on how you used to be kind of informs who you are now and looking back at your whole life through the lens of something so specific specific like that like working out it just gives you like
00:18:03but you can almost picture yourself in those situations like now that you've listed off in my mind I'm like oh yeah I did be grounding college and I can remember like that person for a second in that context it's such a specific context and you were working towards something and you you know how you felt like I have such a visceral memories from like that weird swirly flooring at the Bikram place in Saratoga Springs the spaghetti floor
00:18:36and it's yeah it's attached to something so when you look at it in the grand scheme like that I feel like it helps you understand where your life turned in what ways yeah I think I remember I remember getting into swimming in college you had to take you to pass a swim test on my school and you had to take a certain amount of PE so I just did it by taking swimming even though I never really been on a swim team or whatever and I remember getting a lot better at swimming that year and I remember smelling like chlorine all the time or the feeling of being in New York in the winter and coming out from swimming and your sweaty but your hair is freezing and it's ringing the icicles are about to get frostbite on your face or your hair but like you cannot zipper jacket cuz you're just boiling wow just stuff like that. Do you have more to read I'm so fascinated by this journey
00:19:36I don't know what I have that's good oh God okay I was if I can find it I was an RA in college a resident advisor and I I was responsible for a bunch of freshmen and sophomores but it was when I was a junior however I was pretty young so I was only about a year older than my then my freshman and one of the girls I was in charge of
00:20:12developed a pretty severe eating disorder and is a kind of thing where you see each other every day so it took me a little longer probably didn't notice and it would have taken someone who saw her every once in awhile and it didn't really become extreme until her parents and her little sister moved in to our dorm with her in a hundred square foot single bedroom and they would have really intense conversations in the floor Lounge about food they would basically try to force-feed her in the common room and it was really intense and I didn't really know how to handle it and I went to my
00:20:54person who is overseeing me and talk to her about it and didn't really get any support and here I am 19 years old totally out of my depth you know also trying to do my school work and make sure everyone else in the floor is happy in different houses of totally affected by this crazy sort of emotional thing happening on the floor all the time no one can really tell the parents hey this is this is Extreme yeah you're living in your child's dorm room at College you know with
00:21:30I mean with the sibling and everything so at the end of everything and they would fight sometimes she throws things screaming I hate you you know at the end of everything she withdrew from school and they went home to go
00:21:48peel and her dad
00:21:53student in my doorway at the end of this telling me this is happening and just said
00:21:58you tried your best
00:22:04and I was like I mean is this
00:22:09is this my fault
00:22:13I mean at the time I wrote I think he said this more for him than for me but which I think was pretty wise of me at night but I just remember thinking wow wow
00:22:28I mean yeah I would say nineteen-year-old do you nailed it
00:22:33you tried your best tried your best that is projection
00:22:42that is wild I tried my best I tried my best so glad that I did but also what a thing to say yeah thing to say did you feel responsible for it even for a second or like did did that work on you or like how did you process that I think it's hard to watch anyone go through anything like that and it was also hard to watch it both as an observer
00:23:14feeling for the student cuz I really felt for her and you know what exactly she was going through but I wished I wish she wasn't suffering and I wanted to help and so I felt like you know it's like you're sort of supposed to have some resources to offer in the situations and die from a safe space for her to come in or gently suggesting some resources that were available I wasn't really sure how to help and then
00:23:45hold on until I forgot the question was did you feel responsible everything through it down by not regulating the parents because they moved into our floor they kind of took over they would talk on the phone loudly in the hallway I just things that we wouldn't have really tolerated from students but I felt like because they were parents I couldn't go and enforce yeah they were more than twice my age is it was It was kind of gnarly that is bizarre
00:24:19the student and her sister was sometimes shower together
00:24:23just a side note I would put her nothing
00:24:28I feel like in a spin the utopian society that I imagine that's not weird but I think it's so cute
00:24:38but I just put it put into the context of everything else that was just sort of a God I yeah I wish anytime I hear any story where someone is struggling with food or sex or parents or guilt or shame like any time I'm like I want to fix you
00:25:04yeah I wouldn't want to try to help
00:25:07but how
00:25:10you know
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00:26:13shout out to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode making that was us possible they also make beautiful websites possible my website was Bill on Squarespace I love how customizable it is I just load my website with new pictures and update it pretty easily without knowing anything about HTML or Cody or anything I've never learned anything about web design and I still like my website which is why Squarespace is the best because you don't need to be an expert to create a professional-looking website I use them before they were my sponsors so go to Squarespace build your dream website for free and once you've done that and seeing how easy and beautiful it is you're going to want to make it live so get 10% off your first purchase by putting in the offer code Julia at checkout at all so let's
00:27:13know that I sent you and it sponsoring this podcast is a great idea start your free trial at squarespace.com and use the offer code Julia for 10% off your first purchase yeah I mean my house always ends up in like a very intense conversation with people I don't know very well like I am always talking to someone I don't know very well about how they've always wondered about having sex with women or how they are very unhappy in their current relationship or how they struggle with share with their parents like and I feel like I'm that person because it's hard to tell your friends that it's hard to like I mean we the one person I was talking to recently was like yeah I don't really want my friends to know that my relationship is bad cuz I don't want them to like you
00:28:13I'm not going to leave anytime soon
00:28:17so I don't want to tell them all this shit yeah they don't want to burden their friends expectations or that have them feel weird next time there's a fucking dinner party so like I am I am always that fucking stranger the people on load on and I like it you're the confessional I'm a confessional where did you grow up Upstate New York Chester I feel like it's an East Coast thing to I'm from the East Coast also I think it's kind of an east coast train to get really real really sad and I noticed in California I learn how to make small talk and talk about just general environmental stuff for make jokes keep it light but in reality I want to be like how's your soul yeah how are you doing with all this shit yeah I'm like I'm a runner right now to be honest like I am just I like got on an elevator I might have said this already in a podcast I'm not sure I got it
00:29:17elevator the day after the election to go up to Trader Joe's and I just looked a man in the eyes and we both started crying
00:29:28that's really sweet
00:29:32I just yeah like I I don't have the filter anymore at that of the small talk like I really
00:29:40I've been like leaving parties because I just can't do the fake it's not even fake it's not I don't I don't fault anyone for like needing a respite from the serious talk at all but I think there is like an aspect to all of this were like I'm just so used to getting so real so fast and if we don't even acknowledge that there's something then I'm like what's under the surface here what's going on like what is it is your confession about your sorrow coming my way soon cuz I have so many people I meet are struggling so much behind closed doors like but I think one of the crazy things about this political or cultural upheaval right now is that it's making people get really real and it's making people connect and it's making people address their feelings because they're so close to the surface that you have to you can't not
00:30:40I mean if you're walking around with tears almost in your eyes and I pop out you can't not address your feelings in front of a stranger in an elevator or you can't you know I don't know chit chat about whatever I don't know
00:30:53I'm terrible at Small Talk also I exercise that muscle sometimes put it I hate it I mean I got to know an through girlschool la which is a festival that they put on MLA in all of the bands are fronted by women women identified people it is like one of the most inclusive spaces I've ever been in and it was really cool to feel like we were doing something positive with out like we are doing something to fight all the bullshit without having to be like bullshit bullshit bullshit all the time like working towards something that I can knowledge is where we are that is also fun I think activism can be really fun I think it's important
00:31:46yeah yeah and talking to people about their deep dark shit candy kind of fun and rewarding and then when you can't fix them and they go home with their parents who have no boundaries
00:32:01then that was so crazy
00:32:08you doing funny things when you're a student sort of in charge of a vaguely in charge of other students
00:32:15part of me was like who gave me that job like what is that job
00:32:20why was I allowed to do that job I'm so not qualified another one of the arteries when I was there discovered her student had passed away and their room she went in with security and they found the student yes
00:32:40I mean it's like decision and say hi but most of the time or just like hey close the door stop smoking weed. To put a towel under the door you ding dong why you know I got the most of the job is turn that down close the door when you guys are free styling can you close the door when you guys are freestyling can you close the door when you guys are free smiley can you close the door I wasn't most of what I did and then in the middle that was you tried your best
00:33:07Jesus yeah it really is such a huge confrontation with Humanity when you're around people everyday people that you didn't choose and you interact everyday
00:33:23I don't have that in my adult life there's nothing that I do where I have to see someone and that's like such a privilege of my job do you
00:33:34yeah I can get through most days by just hanging out with my cat and sending a lot of emails and talk to me on the phone and even I mean girls cool you like you decide who to include in that right like you run the show I guess I mean to a point I feel like it's in it's in between its people who choose us and then I mean I think it's kind of like dating you have to choose each other that's because if you're going to spend that much time working together there has to be a lot of mutual trust in each will respect or you don't get the ship moving are you don't even start to cut down the wood to build the ship already kind of like it along yeah yeah I feel you
00:34:16I want to talk about breakups for a little bit because I feel like that is such a huge theme for me like I'm such a huge fan of breakups and I have an entire record about it and you had two journal entries about it and like it seems like you came out and we're like oh thank God like good Lord I'm so glad I'm not doing that anymore and I want to know the process like you went to Ojai was that like a I got to like now I think
00:34:52it's funny cuz I think I had I think what blew me away my last break-up was at the the process of getting in and out of that relationship was so similar to the process of getting in and out of relationship when I was 19 where it was like I don't know the whole time while you have it really resistant and I kind of like feisty about it and kind of like
00:35:14like I said I was not you're blushing you know like do we hide but she I was like okay fine I'm in love and in the process of coming out of it go to them it's like I knew it was the right thing I was glad you making decision and it was still incredibly painful and hard but at least the second time I didn't feel like I'd failed the first time was like I've failed love I was going to be perfect and I failed to love this person the second time I was like okay this is a this is run its course but I didn't feel like I've
00:35:56failed you know I was like okay you can only really succeed at love you to succeed up to a certain point and then yeah it is better to have loved and lost than to cling to love that is dye dark link to love it doesn't fit or isn't right or isn't
00:36:17an offer whatever you ever does for you
00:36:24no I mean I think especially because of the music I play like I talk to so many people about breakups all the time I talk about it at my shows I talked about it in the merchline like a high five people all the time for getting out of there like shity relationships yay congratulations moment when someone is The Bravery to step out yes that is something I was not ready to hear when I got out of my 5-year relationship with the dude that I was like definitely going to marry like the day before we broke up if you would talk to me I would have been like yeah we're getting married we're moving to Hoboken wait so what happened no one's ever
00:37:13have you asked okay well yeah you know the full story and I made an entire record about it what happened he was late to something the day after Christmas and I was like a family thing and I was Furious and somewhere in my Fury
00:37:42I said something and I think it's coming back to me I believe I said I'm tired of you letting me down and like it turned into a hysteria that I can't even fathom now it turned into like me hyperventilating upset and I just like you are not expecting that no I was looking back that's not something I would get mad about but I had been frustrated with him for like 4 years
00:38:20and so the breakup was basically me giving up on
00:38:27forgiving him for all of the other shit like there is some there are so many things I should have broken up with him and did but got back together there's so many things but we always got back together my anger always wind off and I always like came back to him and then that little seed of anger was just in everything else that we did like it always reared its head when he was late to an a family event and I'm like I shouldn't be this Matt
00:39:00and I went to a game night I skipped family dinner cuz I was too hysterical I'm not kidding I went to a game night with friends and I had one for lunch and have all ones at Tiffany's yeah I basically honestly and this is my advice to if you have a friend who's in a shity relationship go out and have fun with them do not talk about their relationship do not try and help them through it like just have fun with them and then let them feel what it is like to enjoy life and then go back to their relationship
00:39:35that is great advice I have so many like beautiful amazing really women friends who've been in
00:39:43relationships that are emotionally abusive or really dark or just deeply maybe they don't Venture quite emotional abuse territory but they're just deeply unsatisfying whatever
00:39:58and it's really interesting both to see that happen when people are so amazing but also don't know what to do in like the as a friend it's hard to know what to do as a friend yeah it is sometimes you want to just say this is textbook emotional abuse and sometimes you just need to be there and listen yeah most of the time because also you have to leave room for you might be wrong you know but if you are wrong and you take them out and you have a fuck ton of fun and they go back and they just have fun with their partner then you're wrong and you didn't do anything shitie and if they go back to their partner and they feel a shift and they're like man I wish I was in a good mood moments ago and now I'm not like no one makes any decisions because you tell them to they make them because they they discovered
00:40:58yeah it's a great point
00:41:04so what happened with you what was your break up
00:41:07oh my break up was we've been together for 6 years and he's lovely person we're still friends but I just I got to a point where we met when I was 25 I was on to her most of the time we were long distance or was this drama of like being a part of coming together and also he chased me around the world I don't know how I would have dated anyone for most of that time cuz I was in motion for you know 12 months at a time we met during our first record cycle and I think it was in LA for like 4 weeks total in 18 months and I was in England more than I was in LA you know so and then we did you notes for 6 more years so I don't know how I would have dated anyone else I mean it worked we had this crazy life we can meet up in Paris and then we'd meet up in Linden and then we'd be in La for months and then you know whatever but then by the end
00:42:07I think I just kept going okay well when were in the same place it'll listen listen this will change or when were okay whenever the same place when there's a Visa this will change and then we just got to a point where you go okay well the next logical step is to get married we've been together that long or that old yeah and that's just not it just doesn't I just couldn't imagine it and once we get the inner what's I can only hit that point so many times you go okay once we get here it's going to be different once you get here it's going to be different and then a certain point your face the music so to speak and you know I think it was a really it was a really insane an awkward and difficult process cuz I had to make a decision there was nothing that precipitated it there was no ultimate fight where I realized this person sex it was really like this is a really nice person
00:43:03yeah but we're not going to get married so I had to like to be 6 months I like gearing up was almost like I'm in this is a really negative metaphor was almost like you know in Harry Potter when he builds the evil Mountain Voldemort builds the evil mountain and just like sucking up energy after a breakup and move out that is one of the bravest things that anyone can do honestly I don't it's not for the faint-of-heart no but then you do it and you realize that it was totally the right thing to do and you're okay you're still standing I see you would stay say
00:43:51I had a guest on here missing my friend Missy was on here and she talked about two relationships where she knew it wasn't right and she reaches this point where she either has to make the decision sit down and have a conversation or wait until something blows up which was her cheating and that is like
00:44:17I feel like my circumstance like some huge by what everyone's to angry or like cheating and it's terrible and there's no more trust and I hate you now is like
00:44:30one way to do it but like good Lord if we could like sit down and break up that would just be beautiful that's really awkward it's really awkward to think about someone who you love cuz it's really nice person who's awesome they're just not your person forever and to go hey I know you had this vision and I got to change it
00:44:54and I'm sorry and I think actually in the process of doing that he was able to move on much faster cuz I had like carry all this guilt about harming him right yeah. And then he was able to move forward and actually started dating someone pretty quickly and great same as fine and then it took me more like a year did kind of come down from the leg feel bad for this thing that's actually positive yeah I got ripped myself up over I was like he's so sad he's probably just like drinking himself to death and I'm I've ruined his life and then like
00:45:36six months later we're both like dating someone
00:45:40I'd like one more closure phone call where we are like I'm I'm happy are you happy hell yeah okay bye are you not at all no we tried to text I think I talk way too much about our relationship for him to ever be okay with me or anyone he knows cuz I just I mean I think we were V every relationship in a lot of ways and I use that term to mean like
00:46:11so common that almost everyone I talk to brings up something that I'm like that's me and him that's exactly how we did things you were the relationship next door we were the relationship next door we lied to each other all the time about like I don't care about this or that I don't I don't think that person's attractive I don't ever think about having sex with anyone else I don't mind this or that like we just pacified each other to the point of I mean I didn't know what I wanted any more by the end of that relationship if you would been like hey Julia what would make you happy today do you think you effectively
00:46:58through that process almost like gaslighted yourself yes
00:47:04if that's possible yes I mean people used to tell us we were in such a good relationship people are like you guys are so funny and exciting together like we were such dumbasses the I we had fun for sure
00:47:22ship going on and people like how you guys are so happy you guys are the best
00:47:33yes yes that is I mean I would say don't ever let anyone tell you about your own relationship because nobody knows nobody knows I remember at one point we were we got this piece of furniture was the first like really nice piece of furniture we gotten he got it moved in my apartment and finally we have like a grown up bed frame is beautiful mid-century modern so we get it and we are assembling it in this thing that should be this romantic thing where you're like with your partner and you're like putting together the bed that you're going to sleep in and you feeling like it's nice friend look so foxy in his bed and you know it's like you could imagine this like awesome stuff that could happen in a bed together with your person and instead we just bitter Leaf fought the entire time we were putting it together I mean it was don't scratch the bed frame. You're going to scratch it
00:48:33who is Bridget just it was the most miserable hour and a half of West Elm assembly that ever occurred to God this is a cure to usually nice people and just for whatever reason we couldn't had gotten there and I was just wanted to be like we're too nice people but this did I don't recognize this this isn't how I think we should be to one another that how I want to be in a relationship is that I mean that was this moment of very clear symbolism to me when I was like this could be so romantic and it's so angry
00:49:17for no reason for no reason
00:49:21that is a sign I mean I talk about this at my shows like when you're not accessing certain emotions like joy and like sexuality and that's not an emotion but like feeling hot and feeling nuanced emotions like even just like calm this feeling, and enjoying this like if you don't feel those things that's a sign and if you still have anger and anger is one of the only things that you have clicking around in your brain then that like you are shutting some real shit down cuz what happened with me is I was annoyed by him he kept letting me down he kept upsetting me and I was like but I love him and I don't want to be upset with him I don't want to be mean to him so I won't
00:50:13and I just shot slowly one-by-one and when you shut that stuff down but never goes away go somewhere a little gray and cause a little fuzzy and then anger is this one that just never lets up like you'll just get angry at the scratch of a bed this gradual bed the potential the potential for a future bed scratch was really really
00:50:42irksome
00:50:45yeah it was that was that was one of those moments like this is just this is in person metaphor
00:50:55God I could talk about relationships for another thousand years but we need to wrap up this podcast thank you so much thank you thanks for hearing me talk about my fucking feelings Journal is huge that was a hippie on podcast

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