A rapper, caberet performer that I met by chance on tour. She comes from a super religious background and we talk about how confusing consent is, how to communicate with people who think you're a hippy dippy liberal, and the institutions we wish would just go awayyyyyyy
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00:00:01this is a head dumb Hotel I want to preface this episode by saying that we talked about consent in a very murky way and that makes me uncomfortable I want for there to be a perfect world where it is not murky at all but I think acknowledging that it is murky helps to understand how humans relate to each other and how we can be a little better to one another so I left the whole conversation as is and it's not perfect and
00:00:38you know I think that there's a lot of stuff that I would love to like give a speech about but this is just to humans figuring out why some things feel different than others and if you are not in a headspace to hear people talk about that don't I fully support you turning off my podcast right now and sparing yourself if it will bring up a bunch of shit that is going to like harm your day take care of you don't stress yourself out too bad today maybe drink some water and enjoy this podcast if you like yeah man you went so Kanye West on the Tony's
00:01:23Autumn is like a little more.
00:01:35And that's why I've called that was us hello boyfriend boyfriend is a wrap Cabaret act that I met while on tour with the mowgli's she opened for the mowgli's for a crowd of like teenagers and their moms in Birmingham Alabama Birmingham the reaction was mixed at best and I mean I was raging you threw glow sticks into the crowd and you were singing about. Sex yes and then I wish I had a very easy time getting front row and you know some mom's got upset but I really feel like you opened a lot of people's eyes and I think you do that I've just seen you perform in LA and you get into
00:02:35crowd you had people shave your armpits on stage you are like a performance artist as well as a songwriter and a rapper and you perform with curlers in your hair and like a full Boudoir set on stage it's your if you ever have the chance to see boyfriend live do it do it just please so I am so lucky to have you here on my podcasts like you to be here thank you it is a treat from me especially I feel like I get to know people way better especially if they're like brand new friends like you the podcast is called that was us it is a retrospective a look back on who used to be and why and I'll have you read something
00:03:35that you wrote long ago enough to be interesting and ask you questions figure out why you are that way a little bit more about the human being that wrote that thing and then we'll like move into present-day and I have a bunch of stories that I can tell and relate if I can some people are like very strange and I have no I just asked question but are you I think you're up bringing I already know a little bit about it I just have no idea what you're going to read so who knows if you'll even touch on the stuff that we've talked about so far but I think we have a lot in common I think so so dreads can you preface what you brought in today like what do we need to know about it before you start reading well I asked Center in LA and Nashville's where I grew up that's where all my physical journals are and where the really good stuff is cuz I didn't have an audience other than myself My Future Self
00:04:35but I do have a livejournal which you don't know is like pre Myspace like live drawing you can comment and you can have an avatar and everything one of the first community based social networks I feel like yeah I think so and like find out which character you are and surprise I was Gollum and so that was my other pic I hadn't Revisited any of this since high school until you invited to this ship all my journals out here like that's ridiculous so I went to my life journal and I spent the past two days obsessively reading all of it and copy and pasting it into Word document in case you don't like something happens and we lose all these Treasures oh I lost mine I've cried over a safe age to the accounts and mine got got flushed out and I am really ill sad have any idea why
00:05:35spared that's crazy I'm just happy some gold shit lived on cuz I there is some beautiful garbage in my life journal definitely weather recurring themes in mine is like wrestling with my own mortality by documenting my life and so most of my entries are made being so anxious about not entering enough and that's true and livejournal and also like the journal entry from a week ago I just like writing it down will make me live forever why I feel like I forget a memory it never happened you know I'm a very cryptic cryptic in the laundry room because of the audience and like use you no names for people cuz I knew people can comment on it and there's stuff I have no idea what I'm talking about all my God who is Balu this person I kissed that someone so find out it all you got to say
00:06:30selected three little excerpts to start of show my journey from point A to point B is still not me so I am sitting here but the first one is from December 28th 2001 so that's right after 911 and it's called true American Pride and it's dedicated to God true American Pride 16 years ago let's do it so here goes
00:07:06I come to you Lord praising your name all creation even through violent times you have kept guiding our nation help us to know how you will always show us your power bill many men died our country survived through that hour when we fall You Stand Tall lift as high Glory cannot lie you'll always be by our side you're what makes true American Pride we come to you Lord knowing you know all our fears even the enemy sins were washed away by your tears help us not to hate for love is so great help us to love we know their sin change them within with the power from above when we fall You Stand Tall lift does hi Glory cannot lie you'll always be by our side you are what makes true American Pride America the Beautiful
00:08:06beautiful plus Jesus barreling forward to the 2004 3 years later I have like kissed a boy and I had a lot of my friends had Parents. I actually was very strange looking as well. My sister's best friend's father died and then my best friend from church her mother died and then my best friend from school her father died and his as well as three other people who are just like on the periphery like not my besties so I was like oh my God this crazy mortal Reckoning and I also really gotten to Broadway so this is June 15th 2004
00:08:51just got back from Dad's where we watched the tape Tony's on are all caps new plasma screen
00:09:00on a darker note whoever those motherfuckers are who vote for the Tonys can kiss my ass and then go straight to hell and once they're there they can spend the rest of Eternity waiting on Hitler's every fucking hand and foot and cleaning up his fucking shit oh my God not proud of this wicked should have one every damn award it obviously those fuckers who decide who wins are either being blackmailed or just too dumb to realize that the best Broadway musical of all time had just walked right in front of them and could have kicked their asses if it wanted to Avenue Q would be fine if it was a sketch on SNL but winning Awards / Wicked not just an award the award best musical yeah maybe at Clover Bottom and in a real low note Clover Bottom is the blind school that was across the street from where I went to HighSchool with is really really dark we got Hitler and I'm still gone
00:10:00text up what the bloody hell cuz you know when you're high school if you act British it like makes you feel smart best score yeah fucking write any half-brain piece of shit dumbass can write a song that makes fun of Gary Coleman hey maybe if we carry our puppets around so people can see them will be considered brilliant yeah that's right when the fucking Tony's win them but the fans will know the truth you fuckers Wicked kicks ass you can all go to hell that's all in all caps thank God you are on fire so maybe a little bit angry
00:10:36then I got from all caps to regular wickedness must be punished and it will owe will it ever are you still Christian as you're reading this it's like kind of hard to say really it's that middle murky ground where I started letting go cuz you know I'm embracing all these cuss words and things but like in reading the inches are trying to figure out like where where was I like what was going on I did have a post where the title was I hate Christians and but it wasn't really super juicy it was just like today at school was so annoying cuz it was like National Prayer day and our teacher said some bullshit LOL I didn't really get into my salt so much as just like being one of my teachers so that was a little later that same
00:11:25this is also 2004 watching the body episode on Buffy the Vampire Slayer made me miss Angela and Caitlin and Patrick these are the friends who had parents die but then I remember the night at Patrick's dad died when I was crying to my Aunt Mary and I said to her I'm tired of feeling guilty for having parents she told me I had survivor's guilt is it the fact that people I love are hurting and I can't help them that makes me miss them or is it their company the funerals the awkward hugs the shaky hands the makeup smears in the black and Kleenex balled up in your hand why did you wear it to penetrating stair of the teenage boys who don't know what to do when they see a girl that kiss cry for a real reason the temporary friendships that Inspire false hope of a loyal future created in the moment of panic of grief leading an ending after the Panic the grief are these ingredients for friendship MLS your friend if something terrible hasn't happened to you what am I trying to say
00:12:24oh my God sad right that is so intense I don't know what to do when they see a girl they have kissed crying for a real reason oh my God the humanity in that
00:12:43is like what how old are you been 2004
00:12:49oh gosh I'm so bad at math how would I was born in 88 how old am I if my birthday I think I'm I'm 15 okay 15 yeah and you're like addressing how there's like a weird barrier between boys and girls in high school
00:13:11where it's like not really human like you can't address death with like 15 year old hormones but then you do you have to be do have to but I think the way
00:13:26who is that like I worked it out was what's like horniness like I started making out with the older brother with a friend whose mom passed wow what happened it never really went anywhere although he is the first person to touch my nipples
00:13:46I like this which weekend is this is what tweaking things what man fuck okay so you
00:14:04when you were writing that first one about America's bride you're like a full-blown Christian like super
00:14:15in God's love and like. There's like a pyreness there and then later the anger comes out do you think that that was always there and you were just like you wrote it wasn't there in the gods Pride song or unmasked or like did you change I think that there was anger always there but that I had a set of tools by which to handle it which like religion gave me and there are faulty tools they were like like if emotion like anger or jealousy came up then you just labeled it got your handy label maker and puts in on it and then felt really bad about it and hope to be forgiven for that emotion to you like trade hate for guilt and little anger for guilt
00:15:15yeah yeah like I shouldn't feel this way I shouldn't feel this way I should feel this way and then when because I think of having actually reckon with mortality and growing up and starting to be body shamed by people at church the dismantling of that structure
00:15:34really like in slang like made the anger that much more justified in a wave-like what y'all been lying to me this whole time like I'm not completely alone even real what's happening what were they body-shaming you for my boobies you got boobs and they were like I got the body I have now and 5th grade I'll start my period on the first day of my of fifth grade which was my 11th birthday oh my God and
00:16:04yeah so was out there I mean I had would have liked the wives of the elders come up to me and say we don't think you should wear that top again next Sunday what kind of top are we talking about I mean I came from Charlotte Russe that's all so complicated about it all is that like I went to church as much for the hot boys as for the boy the big boy that got boy yeah I also have friends where like your relationship depends on your like marriage life which is your goal depends on like the people you meet at church so like it really is like a dating
00:16:52playground almost certainly in a way that they don't Embrace at all but is there because teenager yeah that's like yeah that's what I thought we take each other back massages but they are the most to this day I haven't had a back massage that erotic oh my God it's like forbidden and that you can actually acknowledge that it's actually like more so yeah do you feel like a guy that's like a real thing I just have a memory flashback that I told someone about recently remember who but I was on a bus in 8th grade and it was like a 8th grade trip to Quebec I think so is like the longest bus ride we'd ever been on in this boy sat next to me from my shop class and he was like can I touch your butt and I was like No And he was like can I please touch your butt and I'll
00:17:52no and then over the course of like an hour like the slowest molestation that has ever happened his hand just like went from his lap to like in between our legs and then like tucked a little bit under my leg and then like shoved a little further towards my butt and then he just sat with his hand under my butt and like clenching at you can't see my hand and anyone listening kissing my hand but just like slowly pulsing Lee grabbing at my butt like 2 hours and that was so fucked up and also like one of the hardest things I have ever experienced and like my my brain wrapping around consent as an adult has been so such a long thing to figure out because
00:18:52about like tension that was there and I feel like now when things are out on the table adults like joke about it like when sex is out in the open it's like kind of like a shit eating grin type of conversation and there's no like straight-faced like when you're sitting on a bus not looking at each other and it's serious
00:19:18that's so much hotter than like flirting with like you're dumb smiles I don't know so yeah figuring out how to make consent hot as an adult was like a real thing did you sorry so that like is that a thing did you have to like figure that out or where
00:19:39yeah that's a good question it's it's very confusing and complicated I think I'm still figuring it out don't have a clear answer there cuz so much of my sexuality and my sexual Awakening
00:19:54was placed in those settings of no no yeah no but I mean I didn't really mean no I meant I should say no but like oh my God yes please God and that feeds into this like whole culture wear like men think no means yes and like we think
00:20:19no it's like there's weird ship for us to with no of course there is I think that's when it says never it can never be as black and white as let's sit down have a PowerPoint presentation about our mutual expectations like that's not how Human Relationships work they are messy and it is very complicated and like we're all sliding around in a messy gray area of consent and I think that's how it's going to be like we can we can make efforts about education but at the end of the day like you the person who's answering can change your mind in a moment like you you're you're feeling confused about it when you actually want it I mean that's part of it for me is like
00:21:08when it's a hot guy that I was like yeah I do want you to touch my butt was a different kind of know then when it was like oh it's Derek yeah like like no I stopped like I knew how to like make my voice sound more annoyed or something silly like that was like a language like that my language wasn't English it was tonal yeah tonal in a weird way but that also I mean like as an eighth grader with like a hand sliding under my but that's like a totally different thing than like what happens now as an adult we're like guys try the same exact shit I don't care how hot the guy is I am like
00:21:56I've been in situations that were unsavory especially like as a musician there are boundaries I mean you strip on stage like a boundaries get crossed right yeah
00:22:14it's so frustrating cuz I feel like I really want to have an answer I really want to have like a listen up guys or listen up ladies but it doesn't work to have a hard Rule and like the education that I would want to see would be like discomfort I just want to see a comfort between people where they can discuss like nah PowerPoint but like Danielle just started training to teach sex ed with a program called More Than Sex Ed and they are having kids like break up with each other at as like an exercise and ask each other out as long as your sides and like just being able to have the conversation
00:23:00in a real way without like I would love to see girls being empowered to say no and yes right you know but I also think it's okay to say I don't think so that's what I'm saying is it's like why just because someone's coming at you now suddenly you have the burden of having to have a clear back black or white answer yeah I guess that's kind of what it means like cuz you when you're discovering and exploring your sexuality you don't have a black or white answer so there's this crazy pressure like I like you are kind of change your mind and then you're thinking no I definitely shouldn't even think he has a little bit of course to a guy might come across as convince me but like the crisis of should I I don't know yet even if it only lasts 5 minutes or 5 hours on a bus ride like there are like there's not a
00:23:58that's the gray area right where you don't really know for sure what you want to say and that's what's so hard because that's that's what makes guys go I will say this is unfair like we don't know we're supposed to keep trying if you just walk away like we never get laid that's what girls you know can say that's rape like there's the really is that like little window of decision that I think it's especially if you're an adolescent and you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do like you don't know how to articulate I haven't decided yet that's what's the like that when C Timber and like rejection is so like painful for people that any sort of hesitation feels like rejection and then so then when you like aren't sure and you know how bad rejection would hurt that person then you like lean more towards yes and then it's that's not consent either
00:24:58what a fucking can of worms
00:25:03I feel like really interested in this topic but also like a responsibility to change the course of like something Shady that could happen
00:25:18you know like it's almost like I can't speak about it without being like listen you need an enthusiastic yes from a person not just like a silent like it's not cool for you to stick your hand under a butt that you don't know me but that it does not it's either your butt or it isn't your hopefully no under not your butt yet but yeah I just want to see like an enthusiastic okay here's what I want for yes to feel really good to everybody like I wish that there was no perk to it being unspoken I wish that there was no
00:26:07like extra excitement to the Forbidden like if yes could be just as hot as like
00:26:16akoy now I think I can I think you can't be yeah we can work on I mean I'm getting there it's just like I think it goes like earlier than sex like just the permission to touch another body is something that
00:26:34like I don't have that with babies like if you come around me with the baby I'm just like alright I'm going to touch that baby like touch the baby and grab the baby and kiss the baby and you know I like it was a newborn is one thing but when they're too and they're starting to have a sense of personhood I'm trying to be better about like recognizing that the baby might be grumpy and if I have his own boundaries and doesn't want my finger going and I was ribs trying to tickle it shout out to our sponsors Squarespace for making this episode of that was us possible they also make beautiful websites possible my website was Bill on Squarespace and I love how customizable it is I just loaded my website up with new pictures and updated tour dates and it was so easy I don't know HTML coding but I know how to drag and drop which is why I love Squarespace I used them before they were my sponsors so you should go to Squarespace and build your dream website for free
00:27:34once you've done that and seeing how easy and beautiful it is you're going to want to make it go live so use my offer code which is Julia and get 10% off your first order it also lets them know that I sent you and that sponsoring this podcast is a great idea so start your free trial at squarespace.com and use the offer code Julia for 10% off your first purchase I just met a baby named Mabel and we had like it became so clear to me she was 18 months old it became very clear immediately that she was like 70 and she was like there in like observing and her face is so adult and she I mean like in the midst of bringing me 17 different bibs and putting them on my neck she also made it very clear that she didn't want to be touched and I was like that is good you should
00:28:27you like are allowed to not want me to touch you yet and I said that to her in like that is a product of me like being in this world of feminism where we learn about that kind of shit and I always wonder
00:28:45do babies grow up with that like I don't think they do I don't think most parents are being like you're allowed to decide I don't think my parents are doing that but what I do wonders if it is in 1/8 thing to attempt to set a boundary and then are boundary setting gets worn down by the fuk up to raise us cuz you know you have to like it you know a kid can squirm and wiggle away before it can say a sentence so I wonder if that's just a physical sense of being touched me that's born yeah
00:29:23yeah I I can see that you just get sworn like the more you're like don't touch me and people keep our like then you just give up
00:29:35that's why everyone needs to have a big fat cat for a pet he has no boundaries lives to cattle where I get my needs met man I like wasn't super haven't been like crazy open with even the people in my life about doing this fine New Year's Eve I went to a cuddle party to help get over my like boundaries with human beings and it was really great we had to practice saying yes and say no and having New Year's good way to start I mean it's like I'm trying to
00:30:23figure my shit out and New Year's resolutions are kind of bullshit but like new moon new group of people out in the mountains with no phone for 48 hours like that's a fresh start regardless of the day
00:30:40but one of the rules was you had to ask to touch anyone in any way like touching shoulder Touch of sides touch a back like you had to ask and the person answering had to take a breath before they could answer
00:30:57and now is like wild because I think like I realized that night that I just inherently say yes like I just don't want to hurt any like it is so ingrained that I don't want to hurt anybody that I'm just like yes yes yes yes yes totally yes myself down to the form of a doormat yes yes yes yes yeah I'm here to serve I mean not anymore I'm definitely working on that but that's like a yeah you're a good Southern woman
00:31:28yeah and you're not Southern but same same different women and I feel like to a certain extent Christianity like a woman's role in Christianity is often posed as this like mother figure already taken 5 submit to your husbands and the church that I was brought up in women aren't allowed to speak in like any sort of a
00:31:59service it was a big deal when I was allowed to present a selection of readings during my grandmother's funeral cuz it was inside the church oh my God and you can have women can teach classes to other women but they're very they're outside of that building like they have to be
00:32:18is a little bit go through a Breezeway to a different building and have to class why why aren't you allowed to speak
00:32:26you know there's a pamphlet I can give you a call whenever I go to visit my granddad
00:32:34I'll try to grab a bunch of reading materials and then I always end up feeling like I can't even read this but I did and so yeah those are artifacts those little pamphlets yeah I mean that is I just had kind of an argument with her friend who is Christian where I was like would you be interested this is coming from a completely non-religious person like that just give you some of my background my mom studied Eastern religions growing up so we did home church and I learned religious stories as like fables like totally fake but here's the moral of the story that's how I grew up it's like delicious as intellectual material
00:33:22so you know like some friends of mine where religion is like really really helped them I'm like would you be down with a rewrite of the Bible like if if you really value these like really special things about it which I can see like the goodness in those stories would you be down with like taking out the parts about rape and slavery in like stoning someone to death and they were like this particular person was like well would you rather just ignore that that ever happened or like shouldn't we study it shouldn't we acknowledge it how why it started there and and why why we don't do that anymore wouldn't you rather like examine that and I was like
00:34:10evidence of slavery just cuz member how it happened member how we did it in America not very long ago I don't need evidence of of like men raping women in the Bible cuz I have friends that are right and I don't need evidence of slavery in the Bible because I have friends who are black and I don't need to examine this in a Biblical context because it's American history what if if religion is going to be this positive thing I think it should just be positive like I really don't see why were married to the parts of it that are
00:34:58widely dismissed like widely they're like well it's a different time we don't need we don't have to enslave women anymore
00:35:10I don't understand why they're not open to like getting rid of that shit then well
00:35:20I can of worms and snakes
00:35:30the church I was brought up in the founder
00:35:36his philosophy was that branches of protestant Christianity who created their own Doctrine which is a text that sits alongside the Bible where sending and that the doctrine is the Bible and that we must literally interpret the Bible word by word and that that's where everything comes from all that's what everything goes back to so as a result we have
00:35:59worship service where instruments are not allowed because the Bible verse says lift your voice as it doesn't say lift your guitar and you have you know this sort of crazy like a logical fallacy of applied to everything and so that's the way I was brought up to think about it as the word of God and every word of it is infallible and you take the whole chunk take it or leave it and so I came across all of these contradictions and these issues with it and that's what allow me to see through it and leave and be one less person propagating what I find to be very problematic institution so like I would rather those things stay in there because if you take out that stuff and you just leave the core which is be good to one another then why don't you just be atheist being good to one another why do you have to call yourself a Christian and allow this population like with your using these vocab words to continue to exist and that's my like
00:36:59angry atheist coming out well I mean that makes sense to me I just like I'm trying to accept that I am never going to dismantle religion and it's not possible I would love for everyone about the water off. It took that as well. Like it's not going away anytime soon and I have so many friends that is done such good ship for and it's hard for me to accept that because there is so much gross yet but I also like I recognize that there is gross shit in some of the things I love that have made my life better sure so if I can't if getting rid of religion is not even on the table which is not how do we how do we get
00:37:59more people to be good to each other that's all I'm after I can do it without God much more productive invalid I'm with you there I want yeah I Sam Harris quote which is religion gives people a bad reason to do good things when a good reason exists yes but I do reality to I do think that like the friends that I have that are Christian and kind and loving
00:38:32are doing it for a good reason they just came to it through this church they were brought up on it through church and like
00:38:44I want to keep them I think they're great so I like just how how do we get people to get rid of the detrimental stuff part of my work as a human being is leaving at all caps angry girl behind and recognizing that like it isn't my world is our world and if I won't like my experience you know my little world to be happy which I do like I don't have a good time while I'm here so I better get quick with the accepting and let go of some of the trying to change yeah I think that there is plenty of changing to do and like
00:39:29my goal right now is to offer a pathway to change for people who are interested like I really hit my head against the wall trying to get people to change who are not interested then I'm like exhausted by the time I talk to someone who's like so what is structural integration I'm like well I know you're going to think it's stupid but like they're people who want to see you know like get out of there church if it's not a good situation that could learn from someone as long as that person isn't like
00:40:07I don't know I just know when I was in the thick of like some of my darkest shit someone being angry and trying to tell me till like just get the fuck out of there would not have helped and it's more empathy and compassion and like have been where you've been in like here's the other side and a pill appealing to the values of the other whoever that other person is that you're talkin to rather than constantly framing your arguments like based on your values cuz people value different things and that's been a big one for me to think about lately cuz I'm like over here screaming about like fairness and equality and it's realizing that for other people those things just sound like a liberal bleeding heart mumbo-jumbo and they value loyalty and like Purity and ripping all of this from Atlantic article but it's really great and it really like it made my back tingle
00:41:07little about how how to talk to people who disagree with you and then there's also my therapist advice which is never try to teach a pig to sing it waste your time and noise the pig not that we should be gone to take a help to me in some situations yeah yeah I really do love to fight with someone who's just not going to get it and I try and make it a conversation and it always turns not always not always at all but lots of times it turns into a fight where I'm like I'm just trying to communicate with you and I think it's because those people are just like not trying to know what I care about they care about what they care about and possibly speaking entirely different language like tomorrow can we speak in English cuz my sister's been struggling with this on Facebook like I'm going
00:42:07trying to engage with someone from the other side in like come to them for the place of open engagement and she keeps finding antagonism a Michael maybe it's not a statement about those people being angry idiots which is obviously what my knee-jerk reaction is what I want to say but maybe it's because you coming to them from a place of openness that just you sound like a hippy mumbo-jumbo like liberal bleeding heart blah blah blah thing like you're already cut like you trying to come at them honestly is already flawed because like that isn't a type of dialogue maybe that is in their culture like the whole like you and me sitting down with headphones on like talking about feelings and trying to become better people like a lot of people will laugh at this but I just waste of time oh my God that's so true like go get a job whatever so yeah I'm running
00:43:07Kickstarter right now and sometimes like my crowd is so so wonderful and supportive and like it put a post out today that was like I feel weird about running a Kickstarter and then also like the world is falling apart so I'm like switching between crowdfunding and like raising money for Flint Michigan and it just feels so bizarre and something like so many therapeutic comments about like Hey kid like don't burn yourself out like don't sacrifice your happiness and your ability to work on music to like save a town that you don't have it's like you can't save it on your own you need to like keep contributing in the ways that you best contribute witches music and spreading the word and that's great like you deserve to do this and I was like
00:43:59and then also there's a dude who's like braids that you can do whatever you want with the free money from Kickstarter and I was like
00:44:11right okay some people have a lot of Shame over like not having a creative outlet and like someone who does intimidates them and they think it's stupid and like the idea of living a life where you are like creative and Musical and can live off of that is so bizarre to them that it feels like I shouldn't be allowed to do that to them
00:44:42pear and like I'm not going to I used to be like hey how come how can you say that Mia selling my record for $1 is free money how can you say that and I did that literally like last year and then I got into a fight with that guy so I want to engage but you cannot engage to me this some of the chatter I've tried to quiet down is the understanding why that person is coming at me like that like it doesn't actually really matter because you don't have to understand the why like you don't have to imagine the abusive father or the absent mother that made that person who they are because in a way that's just reinforcing your own superiority you like I bet I can figure this person out you know it's like that's that was always my go-to shit would but it would just be like me and all day probably be actually matter
00:45:42all I know is that what I'm hearing is or picking up on to the negative vibration and I don't want that there's already so many negative vibrations at work their way in the back and shut some down I'm just going to go to turn it down and something else that I've done in my therapy is picture the infant baby inside of each person as well like the them before the absent mother in the abusive father words just the baby and just the Innocence I cannot even get to the lake the Y of why they are who they are and I just like to look at that part just like pure energy that person is a pure ball of energy and light that's all moving on you know like some lizards are green and some lizards have orange spots and just think about how late does nature God movie on movie I'd like to as like another like plant or animal. Come on and just like you know it was all types okay if I like anxious like
00:46:43and I'm scratching myself all I'm saying is like scratching my neck right now
00:46:49methods of coping yeah I mean that sounds like it would make for an easier life it would make for like a more relaxed interaction if you're not so hell-bent on humanizing the racist on your Facebook feed cuz I do that and I don't want anyone to hear this and think I'm suggesting dehumanizing picturing a lizard either no but I do I do especially like I've been reading a lot of Sam Harris and brene brown and they're kind of like opposite sides of the same coin which is like Sam Harris is like there's no Free Will and brene brown is like everyone's doing their best and brene Brown's Christian and Sam Harris is an atheist I didn't know that she was and I think it's like
00:47:42I have been looking at the world and being like okay I understand I understand how you grew up in that house with that religion with the racism all around you like you've been raised with it since you were a baby how could I expect you to be any different than you are you're just doing your best or therapist you are just the world just made you and plopped you where you were and that's why you're so racist
00:48:16I agree with all of those things at the same time like whatever allows you to feel not the non hate which is like a little like for me is like one step below love and hate towards those other people that seem so angry and mad what it does for me is it shifts my frustration from anyone individual to like culture at large and yet Manatee at large like I'm not super worried about the the like radical Christians who like one who are saying like terrible things about Muslims I'm not worried about that one individual I'm worried about like what makes you Manatee feel so afraid of each other and what how do we fix this like disconnect that that turns us against each other how do we fix that cuz it's not if it if everyone's doing their best in it and it's not anyone's no one had
00:49:16control over how racist they grew up then like how this is also like you don't have to agree with me just read the Sam Harris book and like think think about what I'm saying later but like it does help me to stop focusing on an individual and be like what can I contribute to this world to make it a little less racist or a little less homophobic or a little less shity to women changing a culture and subtracting mine's like a really subtle shift and diction that results and I think a shift in action too because then it's not me versus you it's like it becomes academic and it really kind of is you know it's how do we survive and how we constantly adjusting the Mohs and methods of our survival and how can we continue to adjust and ship them so as to be good whatever good means but
00:50:15Wicked is the best musical
00:50:22yeah man you went so Kanye on the Tonys week at the best music of all time livejournal is beaver oh yeah he really come on unless you're really into musicals Wicked head like found its way into the light Collective unconscious that's true I mean now it's did stood the test of time but I don't give a shit I mean Awards don't mean shit in terms of like actual creativity and worse and like depths
00:51:03to me that's why I love the Olympics
00:51:06because it happened it's like it at least appears to be objective that's why I love sports like the ball either makes it to the end zone or it doesn't either goes in the hoop or a dozen there's no like actually gotten best album of the year not so and so like artist so subjective and always like drowning on his murky Waters of opinion words like an athlete you are the best athlete you probably are the best athlete there might be like some unheard-of person somewhere that can outrun you but at least in the the race that everyone decided decides who the best athlete is with you are jealous of that oh God I can't wait to have time to talk about corruption in sports but please come back for the next Olympics yeah I have your handwritten Journal so I think that'll be a we should do a part 2 with boyfriend I'd love to thank you so much for being on that wall thanks for having me that was us
00:52:06you know that everyone's going peace I'm just so everyone knows

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