Full Transcript for 3 Tools for Tackling Everyday Conflicts in Your Marriage

easily have resulted in what we call an everyday conflict, which is just a disagreement that can happen regularly in daily life. For example, I could have chosen to get offended that you jump when I enter a room. 00:03:07 Speaker 1: Like, what were you doing? 00:03:10 Speaker 3: Because this is not like, oh my heart leaps because I saw you. This is you terrified me. 00:03:15 Speaker 1: You brought me out of the matrix of the code development. 00:03:18 Speaker 3: But it is kind of like when your child is way too quiet, yea, and. 00:03:22 Speaker 2: You go to find them and they're doing something they shouldn't do. 00:03:26 Speaker 3: Like color on the wall. Although we were fortunate none of our kids colored on the wall. 00:03:31 Speaker 1: Neighbor kids have though, yes. 00:03:34 Speaker 3: Neighbor kids tag the wall, okay. 00:03:39 Speaker 2: Or you know, you could have got annoyed that I forget to warn you. 00:03:43 Speaker 1: You know that I'm very intense and when I snap out of that, it's really startling. Don't you know how many? How many times do I have to say this? 00:03:52 Speaker 3: But we decided to not let it escalate into conflict and instead handle it in a silly way by and hanging about. 00:04:02 Speaker 1: I need to pack it with something. 00:04:04 Speaker 2: Yes, another problem we may run into is getting up to go to the bathroom in the. 00:04:08 Speaker 3: Middle of the night. 00:04:13 Speaker 1: Well, we'll find out. 00:04:14 Speaker 3: Yes, we'll keep you updated, will write. I don't know what depends on how embarrassing it is. 00:04:21 Speaker 2: Okay, So after a short break, we're going to share three strategies for tackling everyday conflicts. Today we are sharing three strategies for tackling everyday conflict. Some of these we have talked about on the podcast before, but I think it's nice to have, yeah. 00:04:46 Speaker 1: One episode where you're just combining the. 00:04:49 Speaker 2: Right where we're bringing them in and talking about them, because it's nice to have them in one place. So the first one is the break room. 00:04:57 Speaker 1: Like physically, there's like a room in the house, like a safe. 00:05:01 Speaker 2: I'll get there, okay, Yeah, I get there. So when you and I worked in offices outside the home, we both understood the importance of a breakroom. Like breakrooms are used to get coffee, eat lunch, and in the case of TV shows like The Office, they're place to hold secret, non work related meetings, such as the Finer Things Club. But breakrooms aren't just for real world offices or for TV ones like. We have one in our marriage, but it's not the kind with a coffee maker or refrigerator, and we discovered it during our first few months of marriage. 00:05:38 Speaker 1: Yes, explain, Okay, So we. 00:05:40 Speaker 3: Had gotten into a fight. I think it was Valentine's Day and. 00:05:43 Speaker 2: Ted, yes, I think we'll come back to in the next one. 00:05:48 Speaker 3: We'll come back to why we got in a fight.

So hang on, but Ted, you. 00:05:52 Speaker 2: Did something that went on to shape how we handled conflict in the future. 00:05:56 Speaker 1: I broke down in tears. 00:05:58 Speaker 3: No. 00:05:59 Speaker 2: No, you were flustered and frustrated, and you blurted out. 00:06:02 Speaker 1: I wasn't communicating very well. 00:06:04 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like, I can't talk about this right now. So you walked up the stairs and into our bedroom and shut the door. 00:06:10 Speaker 1: Yeah that's pretty extreme. That was like twenty something years ago, right, So I don't do that anymore. I do it a little differently. 00:06:20 Speaker 2: Yes, well, I mean it turns out that it was one of the best things. I think you could have done. 00:06:24 Speaker 1: Right, because I could have dug myself deeper into trouble or said something that I'd regret, or something that didn't mean because I hadn't had time to think about it right. 00:06:32 Speaker 2: And I don't think it was just in that moment that it was a good thing, but for our marriage long term, because you instinctively knew that you couldn't productively work through the conflict with me in what was your current emotional state. You needed to take a break to calm down. 00:06:46 Speaker 1: I did. 00:06:47 Speaker 2: Yeah, And only after taking a break could you work through the issue in a healthy, authentic, and unpressured way. And after I got over my bewilderment, I realized that I needed a break too, So once you came back, were both able to address the conflict in a way that benefited rather than wounded our relationship. 00:07:05 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good. 00:07:07 Speaker 3: So, and I think we fine tuned this over the years. 00:07:09 Speaker 1: Oh absolutely, we have. 00:07:11 Speaker 2: Like now one of us doesn't just leave the room most of the time we have our moments, but instead we try to say something like I need some time by myself to think about this, or I need a break or I can't talk about this right now, Let's finish this later. 00:07:27 Speaker 3: Yeah, so that we know that the other person isn't. 00:07:30 Speaker 1: Just storing off not wanting to deal with it, right. 00:07:33 Speaker 2: I mean I do have the when they have the fight flight flight and freeze. 00:07:39 Speaker 3: Yeah, I am a flight Okay, that I think that is my I think reaction. 00:07:46 Speaker 1: Yeah, I can understand that. 00:07:48 Speaker 3: But I'm trying to work on. 00:07:49 Speaker 1: That, of course, always working. 00:07:51 Speaker 2: So and I think that one caution about the breakroom that we've learned also in using it is to be careful not to use it as an excuse to avoid dealing with an issue. 00:08:04 Speaker 1: Right, Because you go to the breakroom for a break, not like the set up house. 00:08:08 Speaker 3: Right. 00:08:08 Speaker 2: It's a place to temporarily step away from your current work or the stress of your current environment, and then you come back to the work at hand. 00:08:17 Speaker 1: And we

both understand there is this thing called the breakroom, right, So if one of us needs to take a break, the other understands, Okay, I get it. 00:08:27 Speaker 2: Yeah, And when you use it, it should always have that intention is that you will come back to work through the conflict in a way that benefits the long term help. 00:08:37 Speaker 1: Down after you've had time to mull over what may have triggered the conflict and that kind of stuff. But kind of emotions and kind of motives are going on inside the heart and so on. 00:08:48 Speaker 2: Right, And we actually had an episode on why we go to bed mad and how it's helped our marriage. This is why sometimes we can't process it. Sometimes it's we don't know how to or sometimes retired or hungry angry. Yeah, we just need a break, yep. Okay, So if you're listening and you're having trouble resolving an argument, take a break. Yeah, give yourself some space to individually calm down and process, and then come back and work through the conflict. Because cooler heads prevail, as they say, all right, you're ready for number. 00:09:22 Speaker 1: Two, let's prevail. 00:09:23 Speaker 3: Okay, the motive scale, what do you mean by that? 00:09:29 Speaker 2: So we've talked on the podcast before about rescuing a day gone wrong, and I think any everyday conflict has the ability to make a day go wrong if we're too quick to assume the worst of each other. Right, So, like how you and I respond to each other's words and actions makes a difference in the day to day of our relationship and often the things that I'm tempted to be offended by. Aren't things you intend is offensive. Okay, So, like I said, we were going to tell the story of why we were in that fight Valentine's Day, and I'm sure we've told this story. 00:10:02 Speaker 1: You had expectations, and I was like, eh. 00:10:05 Speaker 3: No, we only been married a few months, and I think I'd gained ten pounds. 00:10:08 Speaker 1: Oh yes, and. 00:10:10 Speaker 2: Now that I'm in my forties, like, gaining ten pounds does not seem like I say. 00:10:13 Speaker 1: Something or do something. Oh, remind me, Yes. 00:10:16 Speaker 3: It was more than five years ago. Yes, you don't remember. 00:10:19 Speaker 1: Remind me. 00:10:19 Speaker 2: I think I was like feeling really insecure and I said something and you responded with. 00:10:24 Speaker 3: Well, maybe you could change your diet. 00:10:27 Speaker 1: Huh. That sounds like something a newly what guy would say. 00:10:30 Speaker 3: It has not had a lot of practice. 00:10:32 Speaker 2: And so I got hurt and offended because I just assumed you were calling me. 00:10:37 Speaker 3: Fats but you weren't. 00:10:39 Speaker 1: No, But at that time, weren't we eating late, like starting dinner at like nine something really absurd like that. 00:10:45 Speaker 2: Yes, but that's because you had a really weird work schedule. 00:10:48 Speaker 1: Yeah, it was very weird. I'd go to work late come back late. 00:10:52 Speaker 2: Yeah, you would get home at like seven or eight, and so to eat some dinner together, we had to eat late. And I think people tend to gain some wait after they get married. You are, yes, you are? So your subtext way back then wasn't yeah, you sure are fat, Even though that's what I might have heard. The truth was that you wanted to see me happy, and my extra poundage was making me unhappy. So I think that my complaint translated to please fix problem, right, and. 00:11:26 Speaker 3: If I stopped to consider that, But I don't quite. I don't think I understood yet that you were a fix it man, as. 00:11:33 Speaker 2: I like to call it, as many husbands are right exactly as. 00:11:37 Speaker 1: Well as oh there's a problem, let me fix it, rather than let's pause and feel and think and go right. 00:11:43 Speaker 3: And this is not just a I mean this issue right here of you know, women wanting to share and men wanting to fix. It's not just a newly wodna problem, you know. 00:11:55 Speaker 2: But I could have assumed that you were trying to be helpful, not hurtful, and interpreted your words through a more gracious filter and let your good motives outweigh my offense. 00:12:08 Speaker 1: It's good yeah, I agree, but I didn't then well, I. 00:12:11 Speaker 2: Mean I now right, and I you know, I have come a long way in twenty something years in dealing with conflict. 00:12:20 Speaker 3: I definitely did not know how to deal with conflicts when we got married. 00:12:25 Speaker 1: I there was avoidance or sweeping under rugs. There was just ignoring it. 00:12:31 Speaker 2: Well, and sometimes I thought, okay, like you wouldn't know I was upset. Oh yes, But I wouldn't tell you as I was upset because I would internalize it and think, if I can just work through it, then will be okay, And then a couple days later i'd be I would seemingly be fine, but the issue was never dealt with, so of course it would come up again later because it's still there even if I thought I had processed it, because we hadn't. 00:12:58 Speaker 1: Worked through it right. 00:13:00 Speaker 2: So I have learned a lot. And you know, offence doesn't leave room for grace. When we're operating in hurt and indignation. We don't give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. But imagine if we made it a daily habit to assume the best. And I think you and I try to. We don't always succeed, but I think that's a goal, right, And when we feel like the other one's not succeeding, we might. 00:13:23 Speaker 3: Say, why are you assuming the worst? 00:13:25 Speaker 2: And it might be that the other one isn't. But at least we've thrown it up ron we can talk about it, right, Okay, So for those of you listening, the next time your spouse says or does something you might naturally be offended by, hit stop on any knee jerk reaction, take a moment to weigh or carefully consider what their motives may have been. And I say, like, when you're weighing what their motives are? I heard I think it was Greg and Aaron

Smalley on one of the Focused podcasts. They were talking about how they try to frame or weigh things within what they know to be the character of their spouse. So if your spouse says something that. 00:14:09 Speaker 1: Offends you, it seems out of character, it. 00:14:11 Speaker 2: Seems out of character, go back to their character and say, oh, within what I know of their character, what might they have meant by that? And you can always talk about it, but maybe you take a break room first. 00:14:23 Speaker 1: If you're really outset, that's good. 00:14:25 Speaker 2: You know, I mean, I think we need to remind ourselves of that famous New Testament chapter on love where Paul writes that love is ever ready to believe the best of every person. That's First Corinthians thirteen seven and the amplified. So you know, after we've taken time to do this, we can be direct with each other. We can ask what fueled actions or words, but we also need to be sure to listen carefully and ask questions if something isn't clear. And for those of you listening, I have one caution for this too. When you are direct with your spouse, be careful not to put them on the defensive. You'll get a lot f further in your conversation if your spouse feels like you're genuinely trying to understand their driving motivation and really trying. 00:15:06 Speaker 3: To assume the best. 00:15:07 Speaker 2: And I think good ways not to put that. We've learned to hopefully not put each other on the defensive. Is I feel like not? You did make it about your feelings? 00:15:20 Speaker 3: Okay? 00:15:21 Speaker 2: Good, Well we're going to take another short break and when we come back, we'll share one more tool for tackling everyday conflicts. So far, we've talked about two tools for tackling everyday conflicts. They're the breakroom and the mode of scale. Are you ready for the third one? 00:15:43 Speaker 1: I am? 00:15:43 Speaker 3: Okay. This is a favorite of ours. 00:15:45 Speaker 1: It is. If you've listened to more than this episode, you may have heard us bring this up before. But it's so good, so practical. Yes, you know, I don't think we mind mentioning it again. 00:15:56 Speaker 3: No, it's make a communication sandwich. 00:16:00 Speaker 2: Yeah, so Ted you have I don't think you've worn it recently, but you have a royal blue T shirt that reads cool story, babe, Now make me a sandwich. 00:16:10 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't wear that out much. No, And some of you people would interpret that as me being just you know. 00:16:18 Speaker 2: That right, Yeah, some of you listening may have cringed at that, wondering why we Cringey admit that he owns the shirts. 00:16:25 Speaker 1: My pastor gave it to me. 00:16:27 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:16:27 Speaker 2: Well, And when it comes to sandwich shirts at our house, context is king like, do you want to tell the story of how we got it? 00:16:33 Speaker 3: Or you want me to tell a story? I will. 00:16:35 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:16:35 Speaker 1: We're actually at church and the pastor was talking about this topic. No, no, something. 00:16:41 Speaker 3: It was a marriage series, I believe. 00:16:43 Speaker 1: And they had a shirt printed up and they threw it out in the audience and the person next to us got it and he was like, no, wait am I touching that? Like the way she looks, I think I may have asked, can I have that? And he's like yes, yeah. 00:16:58 Speaker 3: His wife was like, don't you dare pick that up? 00:17:00 Speaker 2: You can see it in her face, and you and I are like giggling because. 00:17:03 Speaker 1: We're Ashley gets the joke. 00:17:04 Speaker 2: It's absurd, right, We're like the communication sandwich, that's funny. Yeah, So the communication sandwich is the practice of using praise and affirmation to sandwich constructive criticism. So much like you place liver worst. I don't know why I always use liver worst. 00:17:21 Speaker 1: Have you ever had liver worst? I don't know this should idea A liver worst is gross, but the actual taste is surprising. I think good. And I say that as someone who hates. 00:17:29 Speaker 3: Liver Okay, well, maybe able to try it? Okay. 00:17:32 Speaker 2: So maybe much like you'd place ham or bacon because those are more popular choices. 00:17:38 Speaker 1: Oh, you're right, because you want something that's not tasty. 00:17:41 Speaker 3: Okay, So liver worst is perfect? 00:17:43 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's for most. 00:17:44 Speaker 2: Okay, all right, yeah, between two slices of freshly baked sour dough brown. 00:17:50 Speaker 1: That's the best. 00:17:51 Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, So most of us swallow criticism better when we know that the person giving it to us also recognize this and appreciates what we're doing. 00:17:59 Speaker 3: Well, just like swallow liver worst betterface between so. 00:18:04 Speaker 2: Right, So, a communication sandwich allows us to share what we'd like to see changed in a way that doesn't put our spouse on the defensive. 00:18:13 Speaker 3: So do you want to give an example of a communication sandwich. 00:18:17 Speaker 1: I appreciate the way that you introduce this topic. Maybe you could have a little more energy the next time you bring it up, but it's extremely valuable that you brought this up, and it's very helpful for our listeners and for us to remember. 00:18:31 Speaker 3: Nice Okay, I didn't really. 00:18:33 Speaker 1: Mean that criticism. By the way, your tone, your energy is fine. 00:18:38 Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of one that could be like applicable to just like, Okay, I appreciate that. 00:18:43 Speaker 1: You care about your hygiene. Maybe you shouldn't pick your nose in public, but I'm so glad that you can breathe freely. Now that's a good one. 00:18:53 Speaker 2: Right. 00:18:55 Speaker 3: I love how you cook dinner. 00:18:57 Speaker 2: Oh, you make like the best beef strogan off. But sometimes like the sauce splatters on the stove and then it just like hardens and it's really hard to clean

off. So maybe when you're making beef strogle off you can kind of clean it up at the time, because I definitely want you to keep making beef strogan off because it's so good. 00:19:23 Speaker 3: Yes, coffee food, Yeah, love languages right there. 00:19:27 Speaker 1: That's good. It was a good example. Both of our examples were good. 00:19:30 Speaker 2: Yes, I don't think you actually splattered stuff when you made the beef strogan off the other. 00:19:33 Speaker 3: Day, but yeah, okay, right, but you know, I've learned to be like, hey, he cooked, I can clean up, so okay. 00:19:43 Speaker 2: So I do have a caution on this one because I've had a caution for each of them. And it's important that the criticism is constructive, not destructive. And one way to keep it constructive is to use it's me approach. And this might bring up the cliche breakup line it's not you, it's me, but it's not. Rather, it focuses on, like I mentioned in the last one, how we phrase our feelings in the midst of conflict. So, for example, I've learned that sometimes it's helpful to verbally present an issue as about me and my feelings, not about what I feel like you Ted may have done or what your motives might be. 00:20:17 Speaker 1: Rightly, when it's not an issue of morality, which is an issue of preference. 00:20:22 Speaker 2: Right, And that's more of what we're talking these everyday conflicts. We're not talking extreme marriage issues, right, but yeah, placing the emphasis on feelings rather than on accusations can help defense us from rising great all right, Well. 00:20:39 Speaker 3: To recap. 00:20:41 Speaker 2: Three tools for tackling everyday conflicts are one the Brikroom, two the Motive Scale, and three the communications Sandwich. So after this break, we'll be back with this week's as Time challenge. For this week's That's Time Challenge, I think listeners should pick one of the tools to try when they face conflict with their spouse. 00:21:11 Speaker 1: These things are so bite sized I think they should do too. Why not? You could do all three? 00:21:19 Speaker 3: Yeah, And seriously, these are. 00:21:20 Speaker 1: Little bite sized things for everyday conflict. 00:21:23 Speaker 3: Right. 00:21:23 Speaker 2: And if you're listening to this and you're like, hey, we don't really have conflict, then you're maybe not talking. 00:21:30 Speaker 1: Right. 00:21:30 Speaker 2: Right. 00:21:31 Speaker 1: It's always going to be a difference in preference or a difference in something. 00:21:36 Speaker 2: There's always opportunity for conflict. I mean there was something I don't even remember what it is anymore. There was something as we were getting ready to record, you did something and I could have said something that No, I don't even remember when it is because I let it go in that moment. 00:21:52 Speaker 3: I was like, Eh, whatever. 00:21:54 Speaker 1: Okay, I don't that's great. 00:21:57 Speaker 3: It was something though that I could have. 00:21:58 Speaker 1: Said something on the podcast if you like. 00:22:02 Speaker 3: No, I legitimately cannot remember, and. 00:22:04 Speaker 2: I think it's because I chose to let it go and overlook it and it's gone, all right, wonderful. Well, thank you for joining us on the Team US podcast. If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast and we'd love to have you leave a review over at Apple Podcasts. We're looking forward to next time as we keep talking about how Grace's commitment and cooperation can help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. Team US with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production of live audio and sale media. If you liked what you heard today, please take a second to rate and review the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that more listeners like you can find the show. For more faith filled, inspirational podcasts, visit us at lifeaudio dot com.