TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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The Talk Funny podcast. We ended up in Japan because
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we have the body of a great white whale and
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that's not legal. Here's Mark Bailey, Why Bailey.
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Mike Miller and Talk Funny other radio I stories my producer.
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I've told Mike before, but we call her Hazel. There
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was a show in the fifties called Hazel. It was
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a ditsy maid who always screwed up. It was before
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Bewitched and all these kind of theme B shows Bewitched,
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That Girl and all that stuff, but that was the
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first one. As she's a maid for a successful businessman.
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She would intercept phone calls and be like, yeah, this
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is IBM, which was huge in the fifties. I would
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like to talk to forget his name, the character's name. Oh,
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he's very busy. He doesn't need any more contracts by
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its buzzby or something. Mister B. And I'm mister B.
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Mister B. We had a phone call and I know
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you're busy, but IBM called and I told him you're
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not interested in the business.
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You did what?
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Yeah? Yeah? And so there was this TV show and
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so I called this producer. Her name was said, okay,
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I called her Hazel. She always screwed up everything. There
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was a time where she was scheduling interviews with me.
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She scheduled noon because that's her favorite artist.
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Wow.
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Agents would call up and talk to other producers and
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they go like, well, that's not my show, but we'll
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put them on Bailey's show. But they wouldn't tell me.
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So they tell the artist to go sit in the
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lobby and then someone will come find you and bring
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you to a studio and do a live interview. Metallica,
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Lars James Hetfield are sitting in the lounge Radio I
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and nobody knows they're there. Nobody knows who they are,
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and I don't know they're there. And then Hazel's like,
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what's your name? Lars? Okay, that's a cute name, and
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what's your name? I'm James, what's your last name? Headfield?
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She doesn't know who they are, and I'm playing Metallica
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right now, and so they're like, can we get some
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coffee before we go on? Go on? Where? Well, we're
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doing an interview? Are you what are you doing? I
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thought we're doing live and she comes in and she goes,
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are you are you doing an interview? And I'm like,
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I don't know you book them. I don't have anything
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written down. She goes, this is like a James guy,
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an Alarms guy. I'm like, are they on a rock band? Hazel, Yeah,
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that's Metallica. Get half in here, because I knew Metallica
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was in town. But they were supposed to go to
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zip a fim And then they came in and they
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had kans of coffee and I said, we have coffee here,
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Why are you drinking? They said, they made us by
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coffee from the machine.
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You come halfway across the world for concert?
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Do you know who we do? You know who we are? Yeah,
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I'm not being a I'm not being that guy, but
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do you know who we are? I know who you are.
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Nobody else on this radio station knows who you are.
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But it's a rock station. I'm like, yeah, I just
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played you guys because we heard it. I said, but
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they don't listen to my show, which is probably a
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good thing in retros. That's how I was there for
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ten years. Yeah, we're only open for ten years. And
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he's like, so is this a parody of a radio station?
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I said, you nailed it. Yeah, this is exactly what
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it is.
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It could be. It could be it could be a sitcom.
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You just need a producer showrunner.
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So we talked and he's like, but your audience is
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rock audience, so they're the ones we want to read.
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So that's I guess that's how we got on your show.
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And I said, yeah, I don't pick them. I said,
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they didn't know who you were, but they wanted to
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fill my show because I play a lot of hard music.
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And what they do is there's a thirty minute segment
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Load full transcript
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where they have the right to put an interview in,
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so that's less hard music that I'm playing. So they're
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so intelligent that they put the hardest rock band get
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an interview where we play two of your songs during
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my thirty minute segment. A bunch of Einstein's out there.
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Yeah yah, yeah, they don't know who you are, and
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he goes, but then they're gonna hear the hard music
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and they're not gonna lock it. I said, but they're
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not listening. I babysit for thirty minutes, and they said,
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if I could babysit, i'd put metallicall every time.
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Yeah, it's this hilarious and.
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They're not in business anymore. How do I look?
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Yeah, kind of funny how that happened. Huh.
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All right, different topic. We were talking about. Kraftwerk was
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in town recently.
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Yeah, I didn't go see them, but a couple people
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did and posted about it on Facebook.
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And I predicted because I'm from the future, I said,
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be four or five guys with just tables and they
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won't even have a ceiling or ceiling cam. You can't
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see the fingers, can't see are they even playing.
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No, They're like they're like trading stocks and they don't move.
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Yeah, yeah, and there, And I said, you know, I'm
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not going to pay twenty thousand to watch that.
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And that's the thing, you know, every one of these
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concerts is like twenty sixteen thousand for a bad seat.
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But one of the guys who went was raving about it.
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He was like, it was a really good concert. But
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he's a he's a fan for a long time. I think, actually, yeah, yeah,
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you moved wave high until they were asks even or
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something like. He don't even see their faces, so you
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don't know, you don't even know if it's them. They
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could just be they could just be hiring random people
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to go and play their music and.
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They're in their seventies now and they don't move, But
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in their twenties they didn't move, so you could tell
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the difference. I could tell your seventies, you know. And
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it's like I haven't fallen and I won't get up
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because I don't move, bumb.
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You should try that. You should just go up on stage.
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You just stand there for twenty minutes, see what happens.
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Our friend Dean, he did a great concert with kraft
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Work that was really good him in the concert with
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kraft Work, what's the punch mode?
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And did orchestral maneuvers in the dark was really good.
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He did Gary Newman. He had a guy that sang
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with him or something sing for him. They were great,
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and Dean moved more than kraft Work because Dean has threats. Yeah,
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doesn't have threats, but but I would. That's a better
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concert than I would have had experience.
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And it was like a thousand yen or something? Is
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it GC Love GC Live.
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I'm like, I know I'm not gonna be happy with this.
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I don't know if you remember Kotaro.
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He was a new age chap Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, God.
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I saw him in New York on a date and
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I fell asleep. It's just instant and he's in a
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kata or whatever and it's playing electric.
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Yeah, keyboard electric koto okay.
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And you can't see his fingers. There's no camera and
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he's just doing.
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A showman a showman.
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Yeah. Well, I know, he's just doing this, just woking
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on his fingers.
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I saw Kotaro in Nagoya. I have a bit of
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a story because I was teaching at this really rough
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school near Ozone and apparently he's a graduate of that school,
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that junior high school, so they actually had a school concert.
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We went to see Kotaro and uh it was at
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the uh Nattia park up there. We went up. He
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gave all of the kids instruments like like little cymbals
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and little like noisemakers, and he conducted the audience. It
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was really interesting, and these were really bad kids, but
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they got into it and it was actually not so bad.
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I was like, all these kids are gonna burn down this,
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They're gonna they were they were really it was a
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really rough school. These kids are gonna burn down the auditorium. No,
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he knew how to deal with them and everyone had
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a good time. And I was like, wow, I that
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was interesting, but.
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He doesn't move a lot.
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It was no pretty but he was conducting the audience
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in mind. But yeah, I'm pretty sure in his regular
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concerts he doesn't do that. But it's just because he
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was a graduate of the Universe of the Junior High
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School and apparently was the junior High School's anniversary or something.
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Well, they I was looking for the other band. Most
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boring band I ever saw was craft Work Live, and
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the second was uh and the third was r EM. Oh.
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Yeah.
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I was on a date with a hippie girl who
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had great, yeasty and really cool girl and she loved
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rim and this is the eighties, and they had a
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few hits, but they don't move around a lot. They
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kind of sit in chairs and they're they're already stoned,
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so they don't move.
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That's a great, great concert.
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And then Pete buck like I interviewed him in New York,
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not this concert, but I interviewed him and I said, so,
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how do you get into the zone? And he goes, well,
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you know, I drink a couple of beers and then
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when I get drunk, I'm ready to go on stage. Okay,
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so much drunk and forced.
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That sounds like a high energy performance.
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They didn't move at all.
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I guess for some people it's to get over the
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stage fright, Like Logan, your former partner was, he was
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the same thing for him, right, But I don't know.
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I can understand it. But at the same time, it
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kind of ruins the performance because you know, you can
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have a few The nice thing about comedy is you
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can have a few beers get up and do a
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decent comedy show. It's a few beers. It sometimes helps,
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It sometimes helps, but you don't doing it. You're not.
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If you're petrified to go on stage and you're drinking
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because of that, you're probably not a good idea because
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you're going to drink too much and your performance is
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going to suffer.
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And ri em. They would say, Like I interviewed Michael
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Stipe different time, and I said, you know, at that time,
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in the early eighties when they were just breaking, they
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didn't have coherent lyrics. I think it's called Radio Free Europe.
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It's one of those songs they just make stuff up,
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like the there's no lyrics.
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To that song. Oh that it's just Radio Free Europe.
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That's the course. And I was trying time, but on
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radio free Europe man. No, I'm like, I'm it's speaking tongues,
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like what do you do? It's like, well, I don't
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want to be restricted to lyrics? Yeah, who wants that?
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In the song let it move, Let it boo, Let
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it boo, Let it Blue. Hey, hey, nude, why did
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you come over here take a set song and make
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an direction? I'm just making it up. We're doing a lot.
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I mean the Beatles were high and stoned a lot.
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They had lyrics.
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You know, the Rolling Stones are on all kinds of drugs.
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They yeah, yeah, at the time they were sixty yeah. Yeah.
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And so I was with my date. It's you got
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really pissed off because after the third song, I just
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we had a partaking of some some recreational and after
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the third song, I'm just passed out. I just went
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to sleep and just support and I didn't.
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Sleep, and it's an expensive sleep.
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About an hour through their set and then Michael stopped.
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We were in the front row. Oh god, I was
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in radio. So we have free tickets. Yeah, you got
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front row and Michael Stipe I was. I wasn't awake,
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--> 00:10:38.799
but apparently he said we got some a hole sleep. Yeah,
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well you have Lenny Bruce when I'm a baby and
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a baby, I mean a baby and a baby character.
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There's a baby at my show, you know, Michael Stipe,
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there's some I don't think.
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I mean, you almost stopped Lenny Bruce from reading about
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his through his court cases on stage, which was just hilarious.
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You know.
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I woke up and they had moved on by then,
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and they're close to the encore and I wake up
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in my date. It's just got her arms crossed.
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She's so embarrassed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I embarrassed me. Yeah.
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Put Michael stipend Pete Buck and I said, well, I
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know those guys go, yeah, they don't like sleeping because
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I had interviewed them before but not that tour, but
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they still knew I was radio.
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Yeah, well, I mean that used to happen to me
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at classical music concerts. I'll tell you. Once the lights
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go down and they start playing like the classical music
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and it's like seven. When I was a kid, my
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parents would take me to concerts. I would just fall asleep,
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like just like that.
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My first few dates would go through the used to
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go to the planetarium, and then my dates would say
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to me don't fall asleep. We'll go into it. We're
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on a date and I fell asleep. It's cool, Oh yeah, August,
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and you're reclined, air conditioned, you reclined. Yeah, get little
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night lights up?
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Yeah boy, yes, but it's not in English, yes, and
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you're like that, and it's all vocabulary that you don't
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know what they're saying because it's like scientific vocabulary and
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you're just say that I can't say.
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And apparently my snores were just like drowning up.
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That's awesome.
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So it happened to me three times, three women.
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You read different three women because of the planetarium, and
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you weren't even sixty. You have twenties when
you're falling asleep.
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But then again, you're probably up partying the night before
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to like three in the morning.
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I was drinking and probably probably drinking. And yes, you
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know I've.
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Fallen asleep in the planetarium. I mean, it's pretty easy
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to do.
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The funny thing, the girl said, I knew you were
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going to sleep because all my foreign dates have slept
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because they don't know what the hell is going on. Yeah,
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she said, I'll still sleep with.
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You, but even after hearing you snore, she's like, Okay,
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I'll give this guy a try.
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This is our last day, but I'll still sleep with you.
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That's probably what you wanted to Yeah, where do we
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go to the planetarium? Probably if I understood it, then
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I didn't.
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You didn't go to see a movie. If you think
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he would have gone to see a movie, that's more
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like a thing.
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We saw movies too, What was it? The Bridges of.
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Madison County who probably there's a reason for that, right.
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And the horse Whisper.
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You know, chick movies.
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So here's Robert Redford and she accidentally meets him and
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he's not hooked up with any girl. And then later
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she finds out this really handsome Robert Redford looking guy
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actually has a wife. He's Rebert Redford. He looks like that.
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He looks like that in real life. Yeah, he looks
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like that in the movies.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, of course you're the first girl notice he's handsome. Yeah, oh,
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I mean that's a chick movie. Yeah, or the Bridget
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Jones and all that stuff.
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Bridget Jones.
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Yeah, we get this ugly girl.
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She wears glasses, but then she takes them off.
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Long skirts. Then she finds a mini skirt. Yeah, and
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then she takes.
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The glasses and then she's gorgeous.
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Then she's hot. I know,
the same guy who was
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a jerk through her, now like her without glasses for
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her because of her best bitchy friend who hates that guy. Yeah,
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but she wants her to be happening.
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That's right. Well, he's dating a really beautiful girl who's
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really mean, and then he he sees through her, you know,
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sees that.
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She's beautiful, ugly, but she's got a good Yeah, she's
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not really ugly. She's beautiful with glasses, dress and a
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bad haircut, and then pretty well.
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It's only been done a few times, only only few.
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And then you get a haircut and have you heard
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of contact on? No, it's nineteen ninety five.
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I haven't see the reverse movie of a woman who's
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incredibly beautiful who becomes incredibly ugly, loses her entire life,
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and everyone ignores her.
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I think that's the Megan Kelly story. Yeah, hegly, her
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ugly friend throws acid in her eyes. So now she
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needs laser surgery. Now she needs glasses. And then it's
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like she scars her legs, no dresses. Yeah, it's like
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you know the guy you were dating now on dating, Yeah, that.
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Wouldn't be a Hollywood movie though, that'd be a Japanese movie.
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He's got to have a sad ending of modeling ending.
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What's the one with the fifty Shades of Gray?
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I never saw that one, but I know the story.
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Like that's a chick movie, but it's like a BSMS,
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you know, bondage movie, and it's like, yeah, he works
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in the daytime. He's very successful. As you know, guys
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are like, well, what does he do?
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He's rich.
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Chick movies they don't ever talk about.
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No, it doesn't matter.
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He works at the office.
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He works at the office, and he brings on the bacon.
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That's on the video.
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That's right, he works at the office. So let's be honest.
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Pretty much every movie or a TV show, they're always rich,
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and they never talk much about their job
because if
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they they you know, if they talked about their job,
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it would be boring as hell. And they always like
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on friends, they used to make fun of that all
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the time, like what's his name was working in an
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office and it was like kind of what is he doing?
340
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But guy, you know, but guys, when we watch movies
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like Lengarry Glenn Ross. Yeah, what kind of business is this?
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That's true?
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Seems like that's true. There's some truth, and I see
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how they're working hard. Women don't. They don't know where
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money comes from. It's like your wallet, that's where it
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comes from. My wife takes I go to the I
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go to the office. I sit here for eight hours.
348
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I watch YouTube bad cop videos. I come home. I
349
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have a paycheck. How do I have a paycheck? No,
350
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it's when I'm not at the office. I make good money.
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You go into a coma and she's like, what is
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the link between this coma and your money?
353
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I don't have no idea. And that's the thing with
354
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that's the appeal to chicks, to girls. Might call some chicks,
355
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I call them women.
356
00:16:25.679 --> 00:16:27.279
Yeah I am, I'm derogatory.
357
00:16:27.320 --> 00:16:30.399
I apologize fifty shades of gray. It's like, that's not the
358
00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:32.879
important part of the story. He ties her up and
359
00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:34.720
she likes it. That's an important part of the story.
360
00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:37.279
But I mean, what does he do? It just not important?
361
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:40.159
Go to the office, that's what it does. What is
362
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:40.840
that office?
363
00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:43.840
Wouldn't be funny? They do it? They do a BDS
364
00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:45.480
On the other side of the story, and it's Actually
365
00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:47.440
he's like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.
366
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:50.000
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
367
00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:51.200
What are you doing in the office. He's got the
368
00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:52.840
raincoat on, he's still dance.
369
00:16:57.120 --> 00:16:58.960
I thought he was a little bit rough, but you know,
370
00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:02.240
it's another movie we don't take a date to, yeah
371
00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:05.400
and stuff, and he kills prostitutes.
372
00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:07.680
He kills oh, you know the
one I Could Daunt
373
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Jeffrey Dahmer series, You remember that on Netflix. I started
374
00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:13.079
watching that with my girlfriend and I was like, we're
375
00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:16.200
not watching the second episode that was just with the drill.
376
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:18.279
I was like, no, I'm done. I can't, I don't.
377
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:20.759
I don't even if I want to watch this by myself.
378
00:17:20.920 --> 00:17:24.079
You know, it's so dark, like I'll watch The Boys.
379
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:28.079
That's pretty violent. That's ultra violent. You should watch The Boys.
380
00:17:28.200 --> 00:17:31.640
Very good Amazon Prime. It's about superheroes and like, what
381
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:34.519
if superheroes actually existed in our world? What would it
382
00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:36.400
be about. So they're all working for this big company
383
00:17:36.440 --> 00:17:40.000
and it's like they kind of they're kind of like entertainers.
384
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.640
They're kind of hired to do entertainment movies and stuff
385
00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:42.960
like that.
386
00:17:43.240 --> 00:17:47.400
But anyways, that's what David Chase, the writer Sopranos, He said,
387
00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:50.680
Toy Soprano is actually superman. He has all the power,
388
00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:54.400
but they treat him like crap. Family, his wife treats
389
00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:58.799
him like crap. His underlings are double crossing him. He's Superman,
390
00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:02.720
it's all the power, no power on earth. He's just
391
00:18:02.759 --> 00:18:03.279
a schmuck.
392
00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:04.920
He's got to deal with all the bullshit.
393
00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:08.799
There's a movie another one I accidentally watched with a date,
394
00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:13.759
Scott Peterson. Scott Peterson who who murdered Lacy Peterson and
395
00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:17.680
her pregnant child. I don't know what it's not in
396
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:24.079
the theater Netflix and kill Yeah, that's killed not so yeah.
397
00:18:24.119 --> 00:18:26.519
It just came up and then I said, we don't
398
00:18:26.519 --> 00:18:30.759
want to watch this, and then my friend she he
399
00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:35.799
they said, my friends, we don't judge here. My friends,
400
00:18:35.960 --> 00:18:40.359
he said, looks interesting based on a true story. I'm like, yeah,
401
00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:42.480
I've seen this nine times. I don't think we should
402
00:18:42.519 --> 00:18:46.720
see Why don't watch this nine times? He's killing his
403
00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:49.839
wife and he got away with it for a few years.
404
00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:54.839
You know, if that baby had to back up on shore?
405
00:18:55.319 --> 00:18:57.359
Mark, what did you bring out the notebook and start
406
00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:59.200
taking notes as soon as the movie started?
407
00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:03.240
Why don't want nine times? I think like two times like, and.
408
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.920
Then you bought the book, and then you have the
409
00:19:04.920 --> 00:19:05.559
poster on.
410
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:09.039
Your wall ven by accident two times nine times. Yeah,
411
00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:14.880
I mean I can't write that fast. I'm taking note care. Okay. Okay,
412
00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:20.960
I don't want children. Okay, I don't like marriage. Okay,
413
00:19:21.079 --> 00:19:27.359
I don't like religit. Okay, talk exactly like that, Okay, Okay,
414
00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:30.039
Mark Bailey, Mike Muller, talk funny