Full Transcript for One Angry Harper

to see that she felt like she was being attacked, struck by something rather than striking something. A dreadful experience, serious damage to her neck muscles, and thousands of dollars worth of car repairs. All because the defendant could not be bothered to park her invisible jet properly and safely. I will prove, by a preponderance of evidence, that Spectaculass’s parking job was illegal and negligent, and therefore that she should pay for all damage to both vehicles. And you the jury will have no choice but to find for my client. Thank you. JUDGE Thank you, counsel, I’ve got chills. Attorney for the defendant? [COLE takes her place before the jury] TRE [whispering] Hey kid, it’s your boss! HARPER [whispering even quieter] We’re not supposed to talk! COLE Thank you, Your Honor. People of the jury, you do in fact have a choice before you, despite what my opposing counsel claims. And that’s not the only claim of his that I’m about to dispute. Mr. Allitigator would also have you believe Ms. Hodge was forced to pay for her own car repairs, and for those to the jet. This is just not true. In fact, it’s her insurance company who’s on the hook for payment, just as it’s her insurance company who hired him and brought this suit forward. This isn’t a story of a hardworking young woman losing her savings — it’s the story of a corporation not wanting to give a payout. That said, I agree with some of Mr. Allitigator’s statements. I am glad that he brought up the concept of responsibility. Those of us with extrahuman powers do have responsibilities. JAY Ooh, she has powers? What are they? HARPER [sigh] Fire powers. PIKE Hot. HARPER Please don’t. COLE But so, too, do ordinary drivers. A car is a piece of technology that can cause considerable harm, invisible or not. And as a result we as drivers have responsibilities, too. To obey the rules of the road, and posted signs. My client, Spectaculass, parked her vehicle accordingly, in a designated space for invisible and hazardous vehicles, before joining her fellow Guardians on a mission to protect Earth. It was in fact Ms. Hodge who disregarded, or failed to be diligent enough to notice, posted signs declaring the lot to be designated for such vehicles. It was in fact Ms. Hodge’s negligence that caused the collision and the damage to my client’s invisible jet, damage difficult enough to repair that it may delay my client in future world-saving activities. I expect that once you have seen the pertinent evidence, you will hold Ms. Hodge responsible for her actions driving her car, and hold Mr. Allitigator’s actual client responsible for holding up its obligations to pay for it. Thank you. JUDGE Thank you, counsel. And now, because I’m hungry and because we lost most of the morning to motions, let’s break for lunch. Jurors, the bailiff will guide you to your deliberation room and take lunch orders. I suggest you all use the facilities during this break as well. [gavel, crowd murmurs] SCENE TWO [deliberation room] TRE I think it’s a mutation or something. I’ve never seen an alien with scales like that. PIKE They’re definitely Earth-animal scales. Crocodile, I’m telling you. HARPER I told you, alligator. That’s why he goes by Allitigator. JAY [way too interested] Wait, you know him? HARPER I mean, sort of, not really… JAY Can you introduce me? HARPER …No? PIKE Jay, I didn’t take you for a monsterfucker. JAY Hey, he's a person. TRE Yeah, a person with pointed teeth and that gravely voice… Actually, you know what? I get it. JAY Besides, Pike, I saw you checking out the defendant. PIKE Um. Yes? It’s Spectaculass! She’s amazing! Did you see the footage of her picking up that derailed train and putting it back on track? TRE I did, it was pretty badass. JAY I didn’t, that actually sounds pretty cool. PIKE Here I’ll show you. HARPER We’re not supposed to look up stuff about the defendant! [judgy silence] PIKE We’re probably not supposed to speculate about that lawyer’s tongue, either, but I didn’t see you stop Jay from going on and on– HARPER I don’t actually think there’s a rule against that. Although maybe there should be, I certainly don’t want people doing that to me when I’m presenting cases. JAY Don’t worry, your tongue isn’t that interesting. HARPER Anyway, we can talk about the case while we’re here, but I don’t think we should be watching videos… TRE It’s an old video, way before whatever she did to land here. HARPER How do you know? They didn’t tell us the date of the accident. TRE What accident? HARPER …The one this case is about? Her jet? TRE Oh, yeah, I kind of zoned out. I’ll just vote however y’all do. HARPER That’s– That’s not– aren’t you taking this seriously? TRE Oh, come on. It’s a traffic violation. I can get the jist of it pretty easily. HARPER But the details are important! PIKE We started this shit on a Tuesday at 9 AM, kid. Nothing that happens Tuesday at 9 AM is important. Now do you want to watch this video with us or not? HARPER No, thank you. TRE Suit yourself. [video noises] HARPER [sighs, then says to themself] It’s fine, I’m sure it’s fine. We haven’t even gotten to the evidence yet. Surely they’ll pay attention when things get more exciting. PIKE What I want to know is, how does Spectaculass manage not to flash anyone in that skirt? SCENE THREE [witnesses in this scene go quickly, montage-y rather than in real time] NARRATOR/STENOGRAPHER It’s time for…the plaintiff’s witnesses! Your name and occupation for the record? SECURITY GUARD WITNESS Uh, Bryan Seelagy [pronounced sihl-AH-jee, altho might be

funnier mispronounced], I work security across the street from the location where the collision occurred? ALLITIGATOR And tell us, Mr. Seelagy, what did you witness on that day? SECURITY GUARD I saw Ms. Hodge’s car drive down the back road and it hit something. ALLITIGATOR And did you see where Spectaculass parked her invisible jet? SECURITY GUARD No, I couldn’t see it. It was invisible. COLE Were you able to tell where the jet was parked? SECURITY GUARD I couldn’t see it. COLE Were you aware there was invisivehicle parking in that block? SECURITY GUARD I mean, I’ve never seen any invisible vehicles there. REN Ren Winter, and I work construction. KELLEY Kelley Ess, and I’m in real estate. ALLITIGATOR And were you in the area on the day in question? REN Yes, doing road work. KELLEY Walking my dog. ALLITIGATOR And did you see what happened? REN Yep. Lady hit something. Couldn’t see what, guess it was invisible. KELLEY I saw that woman crash into Spectaculass’s invisible jet. ALLITIGATOR Could you see where or how the jet was parked? REN Nope. KELLEY Couldn’t see it. REN [duh] It’s invisible? COLE Did you know there was invisivehicle parking there? REN I saw some signs at some point. KELLEY I was a little busy cleaning up dogshit, I didn’t pay attention to the signs. ALLITIGATOR Thank you. COLE Thank you. MELISSA My name is Melissa Hodge and I teach first grade. ALLITIGATOR And on the day of your accident, what happened? MELISSA [nervous] I was kinda lost? I’m new here, and it’s not really easy to keep track of where things are… Anyway I was using the GPS but it kept telling me to turn at places I couldn’t, the signal wasn’t great… ALLITIGATOR And then what happened? MELISSA I hit something. I didn’t see anything, it scared the crap out of me. COLE And you were on the road when you hit something? MELISSA Well, no. I was pulling off to fix my– COLE So you’d pulled out of the driving lane? MELISSA Yes. COLE And did you see the signs for invisivehicle parking in that lot? MELISSA Well, not that I remember… COLE Thank you. [montage ends; pause in proceedings as P rests] JUDGE Defense, have you got any witnesses? COLE I do, Your Honor. I’d like to call the hero Spectaculass. JAY [snorts like they just woke up] Huh? What? PIKE [whispers] Spectaculass is up! TRE Finally. HARPER [sighs] SPECTACULASS My name is Spectaculass, and I’m a licensed superhero. COLE Thank you. And it was your invisible jet that was struck, correct? SPECTACULASS That’s correct. COLE And how do you usually park such a vehicle? SPECTACULASS [wryly] Carefully. [jurors and spectators laugh] COLE And why is that? SPECTACULASS It’s invisible to me, too. I need to be able to remember where I parked. COLE Where did you park that day? SPECTACULASS The same place I always park when I’m in that area, there’s a lot that I reserve. You have to reserve it, so you don’t have two invisible jets trying to park on top of each other. [more laughter] COLE So were you fully inside the designated lot? SPECTACULASS Absolutely. COLE How can you be so sure? SPECTACULASS Look, this thing’s expensive. I gotta protect it. But more than that, when I stagger back after a fight, I gotta be able to find the damn door. So I park perfectly aligned every time. It’s the only way. [murmurs of “yeah” and “makes sense” and “she’s so hot”] COLE That’ll be all, Your Honor. JUDGE Thank you, counsel. Mr. Allitigator, your witness. ALLITIGATOR You park exactly there, exactly the same way, every time? SPECTACULASS Yes. For decades now. ALLITIGATOR And you’ve never had a problem? SPECTACULASS No. ALLITIGATOR How visible would you say the signs are for that lot? SPECTACULASS They’re not big, but there’s a Do Not Enter sign and some small signs explaining what it is. Reserved specialized parking. ALLITIGATOR Thank you. SCENE FOUR HARPER That was an interesting session, don’t you think? PIKE Uhh, sure. HARPER I gotta say, I’m not really sure I understand the Allitigator’s strategy. He said he was going to prove that Spectaculass parked illegally, but none of his witnesses testified to that! They all just said they couldn’t see anything. PIKE Uh-huh. HARPER One of them even agreed that there were invisivehicle signs! This seems like an open-shut case, don’t you think? PIKE I mean… JAY Hey, guys, I fell asleep for some of the testimony. I miss anything good? HARPER You fell asleep? PIKE Not really. Parking tickets or something. HARPER What? No one got a ticket. TRE Oh? Then what was all that about parking? HARPER That was…the entire…You weren’t paying attention at all? Pike, I mean, Mr. L'oatel [luh-OH-tell], we just had a whole conversation about the case! PIKE Not really, I just kind of let you talk. Is that what you think conversation is like? JAY Hey, if they want us to stay awake they should schedule things for later than 9 AM. TRE And make it interesting. PIKE Plus…Mr. L’oatel? You know you don’t need to suck up to the jury when you’re in the jury, right? HARPER It is interesting! There was an invisible jet involved! And even if that wasn’t true, it’s important! TRE Important? Really? It’s not like anyone died. JAY Honestly. If I’m gonna get stuck with jury duty, I at least want to be on a murder case or something. I heard next door they’re prosecuting a baby eater.

PIKE Yeah, this case is dumb. Nothing even blew up. HARPER But… JAY I did enjoy listening to the Allitigator’s voice, though. I think he’s gonna win. HARPER He had no evidence! It was a little weird, actually… TRE He had a whole bunch of witnesses. HARPER And none of them saw anything! TRE Well yeah, it was an invisible jet. HARPER But that doesn’t mean there’s evidence for his side! None of the witnesses said anything that pertained to the core legal question. They just— JAY Oookay, as much as I’d love to hear this, I’m gonna go call my kids before we gotta go back in. HARPER Wait, no! If you fell asleep you should at least let me finish explaining — PIKE Yeah, I think I’m gonna go grab a candy bar. Tre, you wanna join? HARPER I really think — TRE Nah, I should go hit the bathroom. I’ll see you all in there. JAY See you. HARPER Guys! Come on! [beat, the other jurors walk away] At least make sure you get a coffee! SCENE FIVE [all juror conversations are in hushed tones, while the Allitigator is acting the shit out of this. Think Ted Lasso’s “Lady Football” speech.] JAY [horny, in case that needs to be specified] All right, gator man, speechify me! PIKE You have a problem. HARPER Shh! Closing statements are starting! ALLITIGATOR People of the jury, you’ve seen quite a bit of evidence on both sides… HARPER [under their breath] Have we? ALLITIGATOR And maybe you feel overwhelmed. You came here from your normal lives, free of courthouse drama, free of legalese. And what wonderful lives they must be! Maybe you’d rather be there, or anywhere but here. Maybe you would rather be out, entertaining children and tourists with your mime act! TRE Uh, what? ALLITIGATOR [realizing he’s getting off track] And…and that’s what this case feels like, right? My client, Ms. Hodge, groping her way through our fair city with a faulty GPS. Spectaculass, groping her way to the door of her invisible private jet… [pause while he does a mime act] PIKE He’s actually pretty good. TRE Yeah, I can tell he’s miming a jet, not just any invisible vehicle. JAY Hey law kid, are closings usually this much fun? HARPER Well, I think — JAY Bad question, sorry, you probably think the legalese bits are fun. Is there normally this much mime? HARPER No there is not. ALLITIGATOR And you would think that someone with this much skill and passion for the art of mime would have the support of their family, right? That their father would not force them to work as a litigator when their true love is performance? [more mime] JAY I mean the trapped in a box thing is cliche but he’s making it work. ALLITIGATOR But…we all feel trapped in our roles, don’t we? And with Ms. Hodge trapped in the role of single mother… TRE

She's a single mother? Did we know that? ALLITIGATOR And Spectaculass trapped in her role of global hero… And you all, trapped in this role as our jury for this case. All you can do is your best, and make sure that the right person pays for the damages from this tragic collision. Thank you. JUDGE Thank you counsel. Mr. Rapaport, were you able to maintain the record of the…visuals? STENOGRAPHER I believe I captured it, Your Honor. Would you like me to read it back? JUDGE A portion, if you would. STENOGRAPHER [clears throat] “Spectaculass, groping her way to the door of her invisible private jet…” Then we see a lawyer, a litigator, part man, part alligator! The Allitigator! He performs an impromptu but gripping mime act for the jury. First, he mimes Spectaculass groping her way to the door of her invisible private jet, just as he had described… His tail and webbed claws breathing life into the petite woman he portrays! With the jury’s eyes and heart captured, The Allitigator impressively mimes the boarding of an invisible jet! Climbing invisible stairs, certainly a classic in a mime’s repertoire. But The Allitigator conveys the steepness of the steps. Their invisibility apparent, not only in that the jury cannot see them, but also in the way his Spectaculass character must climb by feel alone. The stair climb is immediately followed by the opening of an invisible door. A door not like one to one’s room, or to one’s home, or even to a ground-based vehicle, but to a jet! Heavy. Pressurized. Requiring great strength and know-how. And again, conveying the hero’s need to open it entirely by feel! And then a pause in the mime act, while The Allitigator again addresses the jury with the heartfelt pain of an artist unfulfilled: “And you would think that someone with this much skill and passion for the art of mime would have the support of their family, right? That their father would not force them to work as a litigator when their true love is performance?” Our illustrious Allitigator then proceeds to demonstrate another mime classic: for he is trapped in an invisible box! The box shrinking around him as he tries to escape! And then he speaks again, to skillfully connect his latest performance to his larger point in his closing argument, all without betraying the oath of the mime, to be silent during the performance itself: “But…we all feel trapped in our roles, don’t we? And with Ms. Hodge trapped in the role of single mother…” JUDGE Thank you, Mr. Rapaport, that sounds sufficient. Counsel for the defense, are you prepared to give your closing? COLE I am, Your Honor. People of the jury, thank you for your patience during my opposing counsel’s unusual closing statement. I intend to keep mine brief. The parking lot used by Spectaculass for her invisible jet was a legal, designated zone for such vehicles. You’ve heard that she must have parked fully inside, or she could not have found the door, and that the plaintiff drove off the main road into the lot to adjust her GPS, not seeing the signs for the lot. Were her actions understandable? Perhaps. But they were legally negligent, unreasonable as a matter of law by ignoring posted signage. You may feel bad for her, and for holding her liable, but this is exactly the kind of scenario we have insurance for. Thank you. NARRATOR The case was done, Harper Hallo’s first legal case from a new perspective. [ominous] And probably their last. [normal voice] You know, because only a part-alligator lawyer who really wanted to get fired so he could be a mime would ever let them on a jury. But that’s okay, because they’ll be back in court plenty of times to see the especially handsome stenographer at work! [dramatic] But now, it was time for…deliberation. I’m certain the jurors will treat it with the solemnity it deserves. SCENE SIX HARPER [cautious, expecting the worst] So… seems pretty clear-cut, right? JAY I say we go with the hot alligator man’s side. HARPER Really?! JAY Yeah! I told you before that I thought he was winning. HARPER And I told you that he had no evidence! Which he doesn’t! [deep breath, Harper calms themself] Okay. Why do you think the plaintiff should win? JAY Alligator man was the plaintiff? HARPER Oh my god. PIKE I’ll answer your question, Harper. Jay obviously wants Allitigator to win because they think he’s hot, which is stupid. HARPER Thank you! PIKE Spectaculass should win. She’s way hotter. HARPER What??? PIKE And, honestly, the defense lawyer wasn’t bad either! Hey, Harper, is she single? HARPER I mean, yes, but only on paper. Also how is everyone’s hotness relevant here?! TRE They’re right. We should go with whatever side we think is right. I mean, the single mom, right? PIKE No, the hero… TRE Oh come on, what exactly did that Melissa chick do wrong? [beat] No, seriously, I missed it. What did she do? JAY I think she hit something? Distracted driving? HARPER She hit an invisible jet. They talked about it literally the whole day. TRE Oh, well, I mean, then obviously we should let her off. Who doesn’t get distracted while driving? HARPER That’s not… I mean it’s not legally… JAY I’m just saying, alligator dude really seemed to know what he was talking about. PIKE Oh my god, we get it– [Harper’s had enough, jumps up and slams their hands down on the table. Others jump.] HARPER Ok, look. I’ve tried to be cool about this, I know you’re all new to this– PIKE This has been you being cool? HARPER This is important, okay? Jury duty is important. That’s why it’s a duty. TRE Heh, duty. HARPER Look, I don’t know for sure why Allitigator let me on this jury. I don’t know why he only had

witnesses who saw nothing– PIKE Well, the jet was— HARPER Invisible, yes, I know! But he could have put forth all sorts of evidence, someone to say the signs for parking weren’t visible, someone who thought the accident happened just outside the lot, anything. He didn’t give us anything solid! Co– I mean, the other lawyer did. The defendant, an important hero everyone trusts, told us how the parking works, and how she’s been using it the same way for decades, and nothing Allitigator brought up on cross contradicted it at all. [they see evidentiary arguments aren’t working, some muttered “I don’t see how this is relevant” or “but he’s hot” and “yeah, Spectaculass is awesome, exactly”] Look, Allitigator is just doing his job, like everyone else. Sometimes part of that job is losing. And hey, you heard him! It seems like he wants to lose this one. Maybe if he does, he’ll get to do what he really wants. [half-convinced mutters of “he did seem like he wants us to go the other way” and “that is a good point…”] [Harper sighs, pauses as they prepare to make an argument they hate] And look. If you vote the way of the evidence, and Allitigator gets fired and gets to become a mime, his outfits will be much. More. Flattering. JAY You know that is an excellent point. PIKE Yeah, I mean, this would make pretty much everyone happy, wouldn’t it. TRE And he did say it’s the insurance company that would pay, right? JAY Mime outfits are pretty tight-fit, right? HARPER [sigh] Yeah. CUT TO… HARPER We the jury find in favor of…the defendant, Spectaculass. SCENE SEVEN [crowd noises as Harper walks out of the courtroom into the halls of the courthouse] ALLITIGATOR [fades in as Harper gets closer] Wait, am I fired or not? [beat] So I was fired. [beat] And now I’m not? [beat] Promoted!? [beat] But I lost the case! I did everything wrong! ...It was my dad, wasn’t it. What’s it gonna take to convince him? [beat] Yeah, I know. Thanks, I’ll see you back at the office. HARPER Um, hi. Are you ok? ALLITIGATOR Oh, hey kid. Thanks, by the way. I know it was you that made that go the way it needed to. HARPER I mean, I followed the evidence. ALLITIGATOR I thought you might. They rarely do. HARPER … are juries always like this? ALLITIGATOR Honestly, this was one of the better ones. HARPER … wow. ALLITIGATOR Yeah. One of many reasons I want to get out of law. Dad. HARPER I’m sorry. I… I do understand what it’s like. To want something different, I mean. From what your family wants. ALLITIGATOR [growls] Then don’t wait, kid. Go for it early before their hooks are really in you. [as he walks away, extra growly] I would be such a great mime, too. I guess I’ll just have to keep trying. Something bigger. Bigger screw-ups at the firm. Then he’ll have to support another career… [Harper’s phone buzzes or rings] HARPER Ms. Castillo? COLE Hey, kid. So what’d you think? Your first behind-the-scenes look at the jury process. HARPER [like a liar] Oh, it was great. I mean, really interesting. COLE [sees right through them] Mm-hmm. Interesting is one word for it. HARPER Yeah, I mean they weren’t as logical as I’d have wanted… But I just have to learn more! I’ll figure out a way to make sure juries in my cases always understand them, see what the cases are really about. COLE Hey, kid, I mean this in every possible way: Good luck with that. NARRATOR Yes, Harper Hallo, we wish you luck in all your endeavors! We'll see you again soon listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!