Full Transcript for Your Relationship Creates a Life of Success or a Life of Struggle – Emma Solo (Ep.40)

elements so that when you apply them, you'll automatically be targeting the five areas of the relationship that need targeting and upgrading to create the transformation that you're seeking or the up-leveling that you're seeking. 00:05:45.250 --> 00:05:46.512 Okay, hopefully that made sense. 00:05:46.512 --> 00:05:48.466 We're going to jump right in Ready. 00:05:48.466 --> 00:05:54.392 So number one has to do with creating doubt. 00:05:54.392 --> 00:06:01.867 Now, again, you may recognize yourself, but we're going to focus on this from this side like that, you might feel that your partner's creating doubt. 00:06:01.867 --> 00:06:05.127 Okay, now, doubt could be in anything. 00:06:05.127 --> 00:06:17.456 The one that's really harmful is when we create doubt in our commitment and the relationship status. 00:06:17.456 --> 00:06:32.137 So a lot of times when partners are struggling, they might throw out threats of separating or breaking up, of divorcing, or they might operate with one foot out the door. 00:06:32.137 --> 00:06:32.860 Right. 00:06:32.860 --> 00:06:38.093 So they might be doing funny behaviors that show you that they're not fully committed, they're not all in. 00:06:38.093 --> 00:06:41.367 They might be acting single. 00:06:41.367 --> 00:06:44.507 They might be acting single. 00:06:44.507 --> 00:06:46.374 They might be operating shady. 00:06:46.374 --> 00:06:53.517 They might actually be betraying you in different ways or showing up in ways that don't show full care. 00:06:53.517 --> 00:06:58.228 Right Again, you might be doing this. 00:06:58.228 --> 00:06:59.471 This might go the other way around. 00:06:59.471 --> 00:07:08.985 But if your partner is doing all these things and you're like, oh, where the heck is my partner, why are they not all in? 00:07:08.985 --> 00:07:18.125 Then what we want to do to create this shift is to have a conversation, and I know that sounds simple, but hang on, hang on. 00:07:18.125 --> 00:07:20.271 I'm going to say more about that in a second. 00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:35.903 The other ways in which they might create doubt, aside from the relationship itself, is about the future, about your skills, your level of abilities, in your career, in your business, in your parenting. 00:07:35.903 --> 00:07:44.351 They might undermine your self-esteem and your confidence in all kinds of areas your fitness, your wellness, your diet. 00:07:44.351 --> 00:07:46.158 They might be undermining all kinds of things. 00:07:46.158 --> 00:07:54.004 Okay, so that's the thing to look to look out for how they create doubt and insecurities and lack of confidence. 00:07:54.004 --> 00:07:55.870 Confidence how do they undermine? 00:07:57.920 --> 00:08:03.512 Now going back to that conversation the conversation is not about chasing. 00:08:03.512 --> 00:08:06.588 It's not about beating them up for doing this. 00:08:06.588 --> 00:08:10.870 It's not about telling them what they should do. 00:08:10.870 --> 00:08:17.899 It's not about telling

them all the things that you want and how they're falling short, right. 00:08:17.899 --> 00:08:19.365 So it's not a negative conversation. 00:08:19.365 --> 00:08:50.585 Instead, it's going to be a conversation around desires, around what we want, around what we would like to see happen, around preferences, and it's going to be about sharing that for ourselves and asking them, being curious about theirs. 00:08:50.585 --> 00:08:59.293 So, if they are doing all these things that are undermining, we're going to say, hey, you know, these are my preferences. 00:08:59.293 --> 00:09:04.434 I'm going to, I'm giving you the short version of this, otherwise we're going to be here forever. 00:09:04.434 --> 00:09:18.833 I want these things, this is how I want to feel, this is what I want to achieve, this is what my beliefs are, this is my preferences, these are my dreams and the way that things have been going. 00:09:18.833 --> 00:09:23.688 Don't feel that we might be aligned with some of these things. 00:09:23.688 --> 00:09:25.113 What are yours? 00:09:25.113 --> 00:09:29.826 They might not be able to answer you. 00:09:31.980 --> 00:09:37.948 To have these kinds of conversations is much better to set up a date for it, to give them a heads up of what you want to chat about. 00:09:37.948 --> 00:09:41.230 Don't say we have to talk about the relationship, because that freaks them out. 00:09:41.230 --> 00:09:47.673 So you're going to say, hey, you know, I would love to just chat about things. 00:09:47.673 --> 00:09:51.389 Let's have a conversation about the state of the union, kind of thing. 00:09:51.389 --> 00:09:53.726 Right, let's just kind of turn the same page about things. 00:09:53.726 --> 00:09:59.240 So it's not threatening and that might even be threatening, right. 00:09:59.240 --> 00:10:03.806 So you use your judgment, your discernment in terms of what might be threatening or not threatening in your relationship. 00:10:03.806 --> 00:10:06.649 Make it as least threatening as possible. 00:10:08.081 --> 00:10:18.311 So it's going to be a chat about stuff, so that they have an idea that it's going to be a deep conversation and you might want to say about dreams and goals and visions and what we want to create. 00:10:18.311 --> 00:10:19.642 So they have. 00:10:19.642 --> 00:10:30.028 So you're priming the pump so they kind of know what to expect and they might come a little bit more prepared, as opposed to like, oh, what are your dreams and desires about life and they're going to have no clue how to answer you. 00:10:30.028 --> 00:10:41.466 Okay, and then you're going to get frustrated and then you're going to take offense to that and that's going to become information even more solid of all the things, and it's going to make it worse, right? 00:10:41.466 --> 00:10:42.863 So you're going to be cautious about this. 00:10:42.863 --> 00:10:46.152 You're going to be light and fun and curious. 00:10:46.152 --> 00:10:51.644 It's not going to be heavy and intense and all the things. 00:10:51.663 --> 00:11:02.163 Once you have both sets, or somewhat of both sets, don't go all intensive with like a hundred item list of yours and they're going to be like I don't have anything, and then again that discrepancy is going to make it weird. 00:11:02.163 --> 00:11:08.572 Go in with a gist of the flavor of the things from your side, depending on the topic. 00:11:08.572 --> 00:11:09.293 Is it about life? 00:11:09.293 --> 00:11:10.174 Is it about your fitness? 00:11:10.174 --> 00:11:11.035 Is it about your career? 00:11:11.035 --> 00:11:15.322 Is it about your job, your business, the kids, right? 00:11:15.322 --> 00:11:16.384 So a general gist of your preferences. 00:11:16.384 --> 00:11:25.586 Check in on theirs, then identify the gap and then address the gap, because that will show you where they're at. 00:11:25.586 --> 00:11:29.986 They might be in a very different place than you and they don't know that they're undermining you. 00:11:29.986 --> 00:11:38.150 They might not agree If it has to do with parenting or lifestyle things, they're impacted too. 00:11:38.150 --> 00:11:42.427 So that's a little tricky, right, but that's the conversation. 00:11:42.427 --> 00:11:56.570 So how can we do this thing so we both feel safe, so that it works for both of us, so that we both get what we want, so that both sides are supported, you see? 00:11:56.570 --> 00:11:58.193 So that's the conversation. 00:11:58.455 --> 00:11:59.658 So it's going to be curious. 00:11:59.658 --> 00:12:01.201 It's not going to be threatening. 00:12:01.201 --> 00:12:21.684 You're going to explore, you're going to share, you're going to ask questions and you're going to find some kind of middle ground this is the key Some kind of middle ground where the other person could be all in, because if you're asking for the moon and they can't even grab a speck of dirt, you're not going to get anything. 00:12:21.684 --> 00:12:23.130 You're going to get a speck of dirt. 00:12:23.130 --> 00:12:25.440 That's not what we're looking for. 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:34.034 So when you make it easy for them to give you what you need, they'll give it to you. 00:12:34.034 --> 00:12:38.532 If it's challenging, they can't give it, how are they going to give it to you, right? 00:12:38.532 --> 00:12:41.163 Okay, so that's number one. 00:12:41.163 --> 00:12:48.975 Number two is now allowing your partner to be themselves. 00:12:48.975 --> 00:12:51.724 Again, you could be doing this, they could be doing this to you. 00:12:51.724 --> 00:12:52.681 Regardless. 00:12:52.782 --> 00:13:03.926 What it looks like is that a partner is telling the other partner how they need to be, how they need to show up, how they need to operate, what they need to think, feel, do, follow up with. 00:13:03.926 --> 00:13:07.003 Do the other thing, how to take out the garbage. 00:13:07.003 --> 00:13:10.892 You know, like being in the other person's circle. 00:13:10.892 --> 00:13:21.572 If you're new to us and

you don't know what that means, it's staying in your own lane, like not telling the other person what to do, minding their business in a nutshell. 00:13:21.572 --> 00:13:29.548 And what happens is that when a partner does that, the other person is disempowered. 00:13:29.548 --> 00:13:47.894 And so if they're telling you how to do all these things and you're feeling like, oh my gosh, you stopped controlling me, you stopped telling me what to do and how to be, or undermining who I am, or I can't speak up or be my full self because I might feel that you might reject me or not want me or leave me Right. 00:13:47.894 --> 00:13:52.509 So I'm either going to be controlled or I'm going to be abandoned. 00:13:53.881 --> 00:13:55.388 And so how do we deal with this? 00:13:55.388 --> 00:13:57.986 We set some boundaries. 00:13:57.986 --> 00:14:08.107 The easiest way to do that is to keep in mind the idea of the circles, which means it's an invisible hula hoop around your body. 00:14:08.107 --> 00:14:13.370 Inside this hula hoop is all the things about you. 00:14:13.370 --> 00:14:21.355 Your partner has one, you have one If you leave your circle and you go in your partner's circle, in their lane. 00:14:22.418 --> 00:14:27.727 You're going in their circle and you're telling them what to do with themselves and for themselves inside their circle. 00:14:27.727 --> 00:14:28.890 Your circle's empty. 00:14:28.890 --> 00:14:29.681 You're disempowered. 00:14:29.681 --> 00:14:30.844 Their circle's crowded. 00:14:30.844 --> 00:14:37.144 They can't act for themselves, they can't have self-agency. 00:14:37.144 --> 00:14:42.163 If it's crowded and you shut them down, they're disempowered, everybody's disempowered. 00:14:42.163 --> 00:14:48.826 And so what we want to do is come back into our own circle, not tell the other person how to be, not go in their circle. 00:14:49.948 --> 00:14:52.802 And if they're coming in our circle, same thing. 00:14:52.802 --> 00:14:57.315 We're going to tell them gently get out of my circle, right? 00:14:57.315 --> 00:14:59.981 I don't appreciate being told what to do. 00:14:59.981 --> 00:15:01.244 This doesn't work for me. 00:15:01.244 --> 00:15:10.696 This is I prefer that you tell me how I'm impacting you with these actions or this behavior, or how this has, what this has to do with you. 00:15:10.696 --> 00:15:17.606 That's how this hurts your feelings or sets you back or bothers you, right? 00:15:17.826 --> 00:15:19.168 So two ways about this. 00:15:19.168 --> 00:15:30.467 One if you're in their circle, that's how you disempower them, where they feel that they can be themselves. 00:15:30.467 --> 00:15:33.254 So you're going to come back in your circle. 00:15:33.254 --> 00:15:42.688 If they're doing that to you, you can be yourself, you can speak up, you can say your piece, you can be you, you can pursue the things that you like, all that kind of stuff. 00:15:42.688 --> 00:15:47.690 You're going to gently tell them to not do that. 00:15:47.690 --> 00:15:56.143 But sometimes people are rough about this and then the partner takes offense and they can't hear the boundary and then it creates worse things. 00:15:56.696 --> 00:16:01.980 So instead we're going to ask them, like, what's going on behind what their action, what they're doing? 00:16:01.980 --> 00:16:03.144 Why are you saying these things? 00:16:03.144 --> 00:16:05.542 Usually it has to do about them, right? 00:16:05.542 --> 00:16:06.404 So why are they doing that? 00:16:06.404 --> 00:16:15.424 And so if we find that, what's behind, what's driving that, then we could address that more directly and we get them out of our circle. 00:16:15.424 --> 00:16:17.000 You see, that's the tricky part. 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:31.326 So you're going to tell them to remove themselves, but we're going to address also what's behind that, so then it's easier for them to stay out and they don't have the need to come into our circle, because whatever is driving is going to be taken care of, right? 00:16:32.495 --> 00:16:34.082 So notice the way that I'm doing this. 00:16:34.082 --> 00:16:38.144 We can't tell other people what to do. 00:16:38.144 --> 00:16:42.623 We can't tell our partner support my life, right, they don't know what that means and they don't know how to do it. 00:16:42.623 --> 00:16:53.402 But if we start analyzing it like this, if we start breaking it down into specific areas or things or topics, or themes, or by the elements, like I'm doing right now, by the relationship areas. 00:16:53.402 --> 00:17:03.618 Then you go more nuanced, go in and address the driver how is playing out, how is showing up, how is this about them? 00:17:03.618 --> 00:17:06.503 And we put something in place for that and that takes care of both of us. 00:17:06.503 --> 00:17:09.568 Isn't this beautiful, right? 00:17:09.568 --> 00:17:18.775 So that's how we create change and that's how we create the support that we want and the life that we want at the end of the day. 00:17:18.775 --> 00:17:21.964 Okay, so both of those have to do with element one commitments. 00:17:21.964 --> 00:17:30.565 So we're going to align, we're going to be growth minded, we're going to get on the same page. 00:17:30.565 --> 00:17:31.778 We're going to break any impasses. 00:17:31.778 --> 00:17:32.801 We're not going to own each other. 00:17:32.801 --> 00:17:36.654 Get on the same page, we're going to break any impasses, we're not going to own each other. 00:17:36.654 --> 00:17:44.527 And that's going to help us get the support properly and have that full end commitment and be all in and really have each other's back properly. 00:17:44.547 --> 00:18:02.585 Okay, the third way in that we might not support our partner and them us is that in interactions or in conversations, we gaslight or we're defensive, and again they could be doing that to us. 00:18:02.585 --> 00:18:05.343 And so what do we do? 00:18:05.343 --> 00:18:07.401 This is very common. 00:18:07.401 --> 00:18:14.488

People try to talk, address things and the way that they show up, they're gaslighting the other. 00:18:14.488 --> 00:18:16.200 Well, no, that didn't happen. 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:17.163 I didn't say that. 00:18:17.163 --> 00:18:18.539 That's not how it is. 00:18:18.539 --> 00:18:21.740 This is what you do, just whatever. 00:18:21.740 --> 00:18:24.721 All the ways that we do it, and also we're defensive, right. 00:18:24.721 --> 00:18:32.088 So that feel is very dismissive. 00:18:32.088 --> 00:18:37.583 It denies our reality, it denies who we are, and if we're doing it, it does that to the other. 00:18:37.583 --> 00:18:41.905 So we don't want to be the recipient of that or the doer of that. 00:18:41.905 --> 00:19:01.020 If our partner is doing that to us, then our job is to explain how that's making us feel, feel how that's creating a feeling of being dismissed, of not being hurt. 00:19:01.020 --> 00:19:04.954 We're not feeling understood, we're feeling we're being canceled, that the reality is being denied, all kinds of things. 00:19:04.954 --> 00:19:12.118 So we could share that If we straight up say well, you're gaslighting me, or stop gaslighting me, that's not going to work, because now you're attacking your partner, right? 00:19:12.138 --> 00:19:12.680 So I see this all the time. 00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:15.288 That's what partners say like stop gaslighting me, that's not going to work, because now you're attacking your partner, right? 00:19:15.288 --> 00:19:15.869 So I see this all the time. 00:19:15.869 --> 00:19:21.563 That's what partners say Like stop gaslighting me, always gaslight me, or I'm done with you gaslighting me, right, so that is not going to help anything. 00:19:21.563 --> 00:19:23.040 The partners don't even understand what that means. 00:19:23.040 --> 00:19:27.501 They don't understand the term usually, and they don't agree that you're doing that. 00:19:27.501 --> 00:19:39.898 They don recognize it, and so that's not helpful to anybody. 00:19:39.898 --> 00:19:44.189 What we're going to do instead is we're going to say what this gaslighting or their defensiveness is doing to us. 00:19:44.189 --> 00:19:52.340 We're going to explain how it's making us feel and again check in on what's going on for them, and we're going to try to get in that middle way of how do we help you feel understood. 00:19:52.340 --> 00:19:54.103 This is what I need to feel understood. 00:19:55.284 --> 00:19:58.847 Both realities can take place at the same time. 00:19:58.847 --> 00:20:03.559 If I'm right doesn't mean that you're wrong, and if you're wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm right. 00:20:03.559 --> 00:20:06.509 That partners have conversations to win. 00:20:06.509 --> 00:20:08.997 There is no right or wrong. 00:20:08.997 --> 00:20:16.509 Right because something's true for you, it doesn't mean that what's true for me can be true also. 00:20:16.509 --> 00:20:22.185 This is a both and situation. 00:20:22.185 --> 00:20:31.169 This is because your experience doesn't mean that my experience is not real. 00:20:33.477 --> 00:20:39.586 Both of our experiences are real, and so our job as partners is to acknowledge each other's experience. 00:20:39.586 --> 00:20:46.126 Our job is not to say my reality overrides yours, right? 00:20:46.126 --> 00:20:51.663 So how do we acknowledge what you experienced and how do we acknowledge what I experienced? 00:20:51.663 --> 00:20:57.047 That way, we both feel validated, we both feel understood. 00:20:57.047 --> 00:20:59.222 We don't have to agree or love the other person's experience. 00:20:59.222 --> 00:21:37.907 They might be saying that I experienced you as this biggest whatever, and we don't agree that we're that person, and vice versa, but we might be doing something that's making them feel that way, that's giving them that impression, and so what's our side that we could change and address and do different or address whatever's creating that impression for them or that experience for them, and we can make requests for them so that, so that they don't do things that gives us that impression of them and that experience of them. 00:21:37.907 --> 00:21:46.909 You see, so we line up on how we see each other and how we communicate without denying the other person. 00:21:46.909 --> 00:22:00.990 Their experience is just as valid and our job is to help them feel heard, understood by us and to help them understand us. 00:22:01.875 --> 00:22:12.204 Now you might say like, oh my gosh, this is so much work and I hear this a lot, but that's because that's your side, that's where the work is for you. 00:22:12.204 --> 00:22:15.739 You can't do work on your partner's side, right, you do, this is your side of it. 00:22:15.739 --> 00:22:20.863 If your partner's listening to this, they have to do the same work, you see, so you both do this. 00:22:20.863 --> 00:22:24.894 If I was talking to your partner, I would be telling your partner all this. 00:22:24.894 --> 00:22:26.778 If I'm talking to you, I'm telling you all this. 00:22:26.778 --> 00:22:30.702 So this is the things that you need to do to create change. 00:22:30.702 --> 00:22:41.056 We can't wait for our partner to do something different and we just sit here complaining, whining, not being happy and waiting for them to change and telling them how they should change. 00:22:41.056 --> 00:22:47.983 We're going to be here forever, right, but if we take ownership of our side and we do all these different things, we take care of ourselves and them at the same time. 00:22:47.983 --> 00:22:50.678 Yay, so that's what we're shooting for. 00:22:51.499 --> 00:22:52.701 Now, whoever's listening to this? 00:22:52.701 --> 00:22:54.265 If you're listening to this together, even better. 00:22:54.265 --> 00:22:56.528 Then you each do your side. 00:22:56.528 --> 00:23:02.788 When you empower yourself and you're doing your own side, you're empowered. 00:23:02.788 --> 00:23:09.083 So, when you're owning yourself, you're empowered, and

so is your partner. 00:23:09.083 --> 00:23:15.944 And then amazing Now you might say things like well, my partner's not listening to this, I am. 00:23:16.605 --> 00:23:18.148 And then I have to do all the work because they're not. 00:23:18.148 --> 00:23:26.604 Well, the reason why I'm saying the things, that, the way that I'm saying them, is because this is where you have the power. 00:23:26.604 --> 00:23:27.766 You can't tell them what to do. 00:23:27.766 --> 00:23:28.848 You're going to be waiting a long time. 00:23:28.848 --> 00:23:31.881 But if you do things differently, automatically they'll show up differently, you see. 00:23:31.881 --> 00:23:34.366 So they will still be doing things differently. 00:23:34.366 --> 00:23:37.457 That's the trick. 00:23:37.457 --> 00:23:39.761 So by you being different, they need to show up differently. 00:23:39.761 --> 00:23:43.488 They can't respond to you the same way than if you hadn't changed. 00:23:43.488 --> 00:23:53.272 Okay, so we are in communication. 00:23:53.292 --> 00:23:56.238 Element two, the other one, so this is number four. 00:23:56.238 --> 00:23:58.903 The way that we don't support our partner is by refusing to repair and by disconnecting. 00:23:58.903 --> 00:24:00.986 Now we might do that. 00:24:00.986 --> 00:24:01.847 They might be doing that. 00:24:01.847 --> 00:24:05.903 So again, we're here to get what we want right. 00:24:05.903 --> 00:24:08.875 So they're doing this to us and we want, we want to change that. 00:24:08.875 --> 00:24:10.679 So how do we do that? 00:24:10.679 --> 00:24:18.570 The easiest way to address that is to say okay, why are they refusing to repair? 00:24:18.570 --> 00:24:26.385 How come they don't want to apologize this comes up all the time how come they don't want to process what happened and address it or debrief? 00:24:26.385 --> 00:24:29.064 How come they just want to sweep it under the rug? 00:24:29.064 --> 00:24:36.429 How come they keep saying I keep bringing all this stuff up and I don't get in, just can't let it be, let it go Right. 00:24:36.515 --> 00:24:46.409 So partners say a lot of stuff like that, and so the key is to ask for a conversation around what might be happening with this. 00:24:46.409 --> 00:24:52.719 So you're going to say something like you're not trying to rehash the thing, but rather we want. 00:24:52.719 --> 00:24:59.463 You want to be able to get on the same page and you want to be able to make amends and get back to good graces and good feels. 00:24:59.463 --> 00:25:11.486 Right, the key is to to set this up so that it's safe to have the conversation and to address what might be happening and to make it sound inviting to get on the same page, right? 00:25:11.486 --> 00:25:12.589 We don't want to keep fighting. 00:25:12.589 --> 00:25:13.491 We don't want to be feel right. 00:25:13.491 --> 00:25:14.375 We don't want to keep fighting. 00:25:14.375 --> 00:25:16.061 We don't want to feel disconnected. 00:25:16.061 --> 00:25:19.965 We don't want to have all this friction and all this tension. 00:25:19.965 --> 00:25:23.055 Can we get on the same page, right? 00:25:23.055 --> 00:25:26.144 So it's not about rehashing things or beating each other up. 00:25:26.144 --> 00:25:29.462 So can we show that we understand each other? 00:25:29.462 --> 00:25:35.041 That's how to go about this one. 00:25:35.041 --> 00:25:40.282 So you're not going to say you never apologize, and I mean you're not going to go after your partner, right? 00:25:40.282 --> 00:25:44.643 So you might be picking up a theme here already that we're not here to beat up on our partner. 00:25:44.643 --> 00:25:57.268 We're here to address what might be happening for them, so we could address their side and so that we could iron what's happening in the moment, so, then, that they could meet us where we need them to meet us, right. 00:25:57.268 --> 00:26:01.846 So we remove the roadblock that might be in the way from them showing up the way that we want them to show up. 00:26:01.846 --> 00:26:06.747 So we address both sides by doing that, you see, okay? 00:26:07.634 --> 00:26:22.087 Moving on to element three, element three now, before I move on, I want to highlight that these things might feel a little either abstract or like I need more on that and I don't know what, how to do those things. 00:26:22.087 --> 00:26:46.096 So that's why I created the compilations that I did, so you'll have deeper explanations on all this stuff through the other podcasts that I specifically picked out for you for this, and also the guides and downloadables so there's a handful of them to really drill in into perspectives and tools and skills and resources, so that you could really have your own back and make these things happen. 00:26:46.096 --> 00:26:48.061 Okay, cause there's only so much that I could cover here. 00:26:48.061 --> 00:26:59.327 So that's why I have additional resources for you, so that you could drill in into the things that you might need support with in any of these areas. 00:26:59.327 --> 00:27:04.942 All right, so moving on to area three, element three. 00:27:05.182 --> 00:27:22.414 This has to do with consciousness this is our new label, by the way, guys and I'm labeling it consciousness, because this one has to do with a higher level of awareness what is happening in our dynamics, how are we getting triggered? 00:27:22.414 --> 00:27:31.664 And so, with this one, what we want to address is our partner, our partner's seemingly inability to regulate right. 00:27:31.664 --> 00:27:46.321 They just escalate, they blow off the handle, fly off the handle, they come at us, they're quick to trigger, they're reactive, and it just makes interactions or addressing anything very challenging. 00:27:46.321 --> 00:27:56.303 Like you might be working on eggshells and it's hard to get things done, you feel you're not getting your needs met because you can't even ask for anything, because they just take it personally and they freak out

right. 00:27:56.303 --> 00:28:09.121 So I'm sure you recognize how this might play out, and so the easiest way to address this is not to go at them as you suck, you have an anger management problem, you don't meet my needs. 00:28:09.121 --> 00:28:12.769 What's wrong with you, right? 00:28:12.769 --> 00:28:16.698 What's wrong with you right? 00:28:16.718 --> 00:28:39.599 Obviously that's not gonna work, and even if we say those things gently like listen, you're so reactive and it's hard for us to have conversations in whatever like, even if you try to make it more subtle, it's still accusatory, it's still negative, it's still blaming, right. 00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:44.959 So you don't have to use such pejorative language or yell at them or curse at them or say mean things. 00:28:44.959 --> 00:28:51.097 Even when we're seemingly being nice about it, there's still an edge to it. 00:28:51.097 --> 00:28:58.403 So let's watch out for that, because this is one of those ways that we say, well, we're supportive, but are we Right? 00:28:58.403 --> 00:28:59.641 So this is one of the things. 00:29:01.115 --> 00:29:06.625 And so what we want to do is how do we help, not trigger them? 00:29:06.625 --> 00:29:10.323 One and two, how do we help regulate? 00:29:10.323 --> 00:29:23.375 So this is one of those times where, if we're mindful of how we're showing up our own presence, the timing of things, how we address things, that in itself helps regulate. 00:29:23.375 --> 00:29:32.460 You see, that in itself helps the other person show up easier or not get triggered and therefore be able to meet your needs. 00:29:32.460 --> 00:29:37.303 So, again, focus on your side of this. 00:29:37.303 --> 00:29:38.941 One, how do we not trigger? 00:29:38.941 --> 00:29:42.625 Two, how do we help them meet their needs so they're not so triggerable? 00:29:42.625 --> 00:29:50.766 How to self-soothe by co-regulating, right? 00:29:50.766 --> 00:30:00.069 So there's all kinds of things that we could do here so that our partner is more solid and in the solid, they could be there for us. 00:30:02.259 --> 00:30:06.147 And again I hear like holy crap, that's so much work, what the heck? 00:30:06.147 --> 00:30:20.144 It sounds like a lot, but in the moment you might look at something as simple as taking a deep breath when they're starting to talk and when you're starting to talk. 00:30:20.144 --> 00:30:23.944 So just that different level of energy automatically soothes the moment. 00:30:23.944 --> 00:30:29.042 Right, it doesn't have to be complicated, it could be as simple as that. 00:30:29.042 --> 00:30:41.182 Of course, we could take this to all kinds of levels, all kinds of depths, but in the application in and of itself, it doesn't have to be complex or complicated or intense or anything right, just presence in and of itself is huge. 00:30:44.076 --> 00:30:48.727 So, please, I don't want you to take this conversation as, like, you have all this work to do. 00:30:48.727 --> 00:30:55.881 It's just being mindful of how you show up, how you say things, what are you doing? 00:30:55.881 --> 00:31:03.708 I'm supposed to go in after them because in that approach automatically is safe for them. 00:31:03.708 --> 00:31:08.116 Then they could do their own work and then they could show up for you differently. 00:31:08.116 --> 00:31:12.382 You're not doing the work for them, by the way, with the things that I'm saying, I don't know. 00:31:12.382 --> 00:31:13.800 Hopefully that's not coming across that way. 00:31:13.800 --> 00:31:18.044 You're just showing up in a way that allows them to do their work. 00:31:18.044 --> 00:31:20.636 They don't become more reactive, more triggered, more whatever by whatever you're doing, you see. 00:31:20.636 --> 00:31:30.781 So you do your own side, you show, you're mindful of how you show up, how you address things, and I'm giving you the ways to do that, so then they could be available for you. 00:31:32.585 --> 00:31:35.809 All right, the next one is number six. 00:31:35.809 --> 00:31:45.266 We're still in consciousness, and this one has to do with we feel that they're not meeting our needs. 00:31:45.266 --> 00:31:47.977 We feel that they're not there for us. 00:31:47.977 --> 00:32:00.907 We feel that they're not stretching to cater care, show care, show love, that they're just doing their side. 00:32:00.907 --> 00:32:03.549 They focus on their needs, what they want, how they want things. 00:32:03.549 --> 00:32:05.912 Everything is their way or their highway. 00:32:05.912 --> 00:32:11.917 They can't see our side of things or our needs. 00:32:11.938 --> 00:32:19.404 So the most common way that this shows up is that there's a discrepancy between our needs for space and connection, right? 00:32:19.404 --> 00:32:24.962 So one part of my need space is the one I need connection, and they're seemingly opposite. 00:32:24.962 --> 00:32:27.228 And so how do we meet both at the same time? 00:32:27.228 --> 00:32:28.278 Right? 00:32:28.278 --> 00:32:31.991 And so if I need space, how am I going to give you a connection? 00:32:31.991 --> 00:32:34.057 And if you need connection, how are you going to give me space? 00:32:34.218 --> 00:32:44.313 We get stuck there and a lot of times, usually people do what they want, so I'm going to chase for connection or I'm going to run away from my space and we don't meet our partner's needs. 00:32:44.313 --> 00:32:46.122 And this is where people get all messed up. 00:32:46.122 --> 00:32:58.181 And so this stretch comes in, by finding that middle ground for having some kind of cadence for meeting the needs for connection or space. 00:32:58.181 --> 00:33:11.363 Therefore, then you're not stuck with this immediate, desperate needs for space or connection because you're ongoingly getting those needs met and therefore you don't have to worry about it. 00:33:11.363 --> 00:33:13.182 My needs or your needs are getting met. 00:33:13.182 --> 00:33:19.508 You see, again getting tricky, but this is

how we find that way of making things work for both of us. 00:33:20.174 --> 00:33:37.242 So when we find that our partner it's all about them and they want to have their needs met and they don't care about ours, because at that point if we wait for that last minute thing, it is kind of like me or you, it's like a thing for survival. 00:33:37.242 --> 00:33:54.884 It's a good example the mask putting the mask on in the plane or when you are deep ocean and like treading water and you're drowning, like in those moments, like you got to do, you, you can take care of the other person right. 00:33:54.884 --> 00:33:56.922 So we don't want to find ourselves in those moments. 00:33:56.922 --> 00:34:11.476 So how do we get ahead of things so that we can stay mindful of our partner's needs If we're pushed to the limit, like that it's always going to be our own self-preservation and it's not fair to put our partner in those predicament moments or for them to put us in those moments right. 00:34:11.476 --> 00:34:14.766 So being intentional about this bypasses all of that. 00:34:16.034 --> 00:35:01.420 Okay, now we're moving on to element four, and we are talking about the seventh way, in that we might not be supportive, and this shows up by how we do connection and I know that I give the example of connection in the other one and meeting each other's needs, because I mean, that's usually one of the biggest things that people come up against, but it could show up anywhere with any example, right, so you could just stretch your imagination there or apply it to your circumstances and see how you can find that middle ground that meets both sides. 00:35:01.420 --> 00:35:17.525 So the seventh way is actually more related to connection, and so with this one, what we want to do is be mindful of each other's styles. 00:35:17.525 --> 00:35:33.661 Right here, what usually happens is that we think that we're being supportive, that we show up to all of our partner's things and in all the way that they want us, that we are stretching by, we want the space but we're giving them the connection, or we wanted the connection but we're giving them the space kind of idea. 00:35:33.661 --> 00:35:59.983 But at the end of the day, we might not be showing up to the things that are important to them or in a way that is important to them or that it touches their heart, if we're agreeing to go do something with them but we have a sour puss in our face whole time, or we're complaining the whole way there, or we're mean to the people around us while we're there. 00:35:59.983 --> 00:36:02.889 We don't engage with people there or whatever, right? 00:36:03.074 --> 00:36:09.829 However we do these things, then do we really show up, right? 00:36:09.829 --> 00:36:18.103 You know, what's coming to mind now is when we're in private sessions and we're doing appreciations and partners. 00:36:18.103 --> 00:36:43.327 One that's fairly common that people share is how they appreciate how their partners

were good sports, how they did it with grace and how they just showed up full on, full in, and how they made it easy and they were easy to be with and flexible and present and all of the things. 00:36:43.327 --> 00:36:45.943 That's what I'm talking about, right? 00:36:45.943 --> 00:36:47.199 So I know that you could do it. 00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:53.882 Our clients who are struggling in their relationship and they're here to improve their relationship, they're having this appreciation, so they are doing it. 00:36:53.882 --> 00:36:56.407 So I know that you could do it too, okay? 00:36:56.795 --> 00:37:04.271 So the key here again is okay, why is my partner not showing up? 00:37:04.271 --> 00:37:07.242 Or why am I not showing up and then addressing the thing? 00:37:07.242 --> 00:37:11.976 So if it's a very specific event that you don't want to go to, I mean, that's pretty obvious. 00:37:11.976 --> 00:37:26.284 But if we're talking about more dynamic things than events or outings or moments, then exploring, okay, why is this? 00:37:26.284 --> 00:37:29.239 Why is it partner national and I might myself with my partner? 00:37:29.239 --> 00:37:30.585 What is that about? 00:37:30.585 --> 00:37:41.246 Is it because of how they are being that doesn't allow me to show up and we have to be careful with it, because it sounds like we're placing blame, right. 00:37:41.246 --> 00:37:45.686 But is it something about our interactions that that doesn't allow me to show up? 00:37:45.686 --> 00:37:48.965 Or is it the way that I'm being that doesn't allow them to show up? 00:37:48.965 --> 00:37:58.443 Or is it something that's going on with me, about myself, that doesn't allow me to show up? 00:37:58.443 --> 00:38:07.686 And so, and if they're not showing up for us, then we're checking what might be happening for them, for themselves that doesn't allow them to show up. 00:38:07.686 --> 00:38:16.635 But we have to be super careful because notice, even as I'm saying that I'm kind of catching myself like, hmm, it sounds like we're blaming and so we want to be very careful. 00:38:16.635 --> 00:38:20.380 We just show up with curiosity, right, am I doing anything? 00:38:20.380 --> 00:38:23.659 Or is it something going on for them? 00:38:23.659 --> 00:38:30.536 And checking, not in an accusatory manner, but totally gentle and compassionate and curious. 00:38:30.536 --> 00:38:32.440 That's always super important. 00:38:32.440 --> 00:38:35.865 And then we address that thing, right. 00:38:35.865 --> 00:38:37.568 What might be? 00:38:37.568 --> 00:38:47.867 What might they be needing that is keeping them from showing up, or what can I tell her about how I'm showing up that then allows them to show up for me and vice versa? 00:38:49.576 --> 00:38:50.980 Okay, the next one. 00:38:50.980 --> 00:39:00.862 This is more fun and this is more about, like, why a partner is not showing up to the fun, how they refuse to do all the things that we like to do. 00:39:00.862 --> 00:39:05.306 And

this is when I hear things like we're not compatible. 00:39:05.306 --> 00:39:15.364 They don't like to do any of the things that I like, Right, so that comes up a lot and we might take offense to. 00:39:15.364 --> 00:39:20.003 They don't want to take pictures, they don't want to create the memories, they don't want to go do the kiddie things. 00:39:20.003 --> 00:39:22.503 I'm the one that has to take the kids everywhere. 00:39:22.503 --> 00:39:24.422 I'm the one that does all the things. 00:39:25.275 --> 00:39:30.382 If I don't plan it, it doesn't happen, like, right, all the ways that this shows up. 00:39:30.382 --> 00:39:35.726 So, again, what is that about being curious? 00:39:35.726 --> 00:39:37.817 They might not be good planners. 00:39:37.817 --> 00:39:39.038 They might not be. 00:39:39.038 --> 00:39:50.721 Let's be careful with that, because this has surprised many of us, right, we think that they're not good planners, but then they might do planning in other areas and in other things, and we're like, wait a second. 00:39:50.721 --> 00:39:57.483 So that might not be the real reason, right, even though it might look like they're not good planners. 00:39:57.483 --> 00:40:09.286 But so then this is the whole point of the exploration Maybe they don't care to plan social things, or they don't care to plan the types of social things that we are pushing for. 00:40:11.976 --> 00:40:12.880 That might be something. 00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:19.903 Or we have a flavor to the things that we want to do and they have a completely different flavor to the things that they like to do. 00:40:19.903 --> 00:40:21.603 So why are they supposed to do everything that we like? 00:40:21.603 --> 00:40:25.362 So there's a bunch I mean there's a bunch of different ways that this shows up. 00:40:25.362 --> 00:40:32.757 And so, again, checking in and being curious about what is our flavor, what is happening for them, what's happening for us, what is, what is, what are our common themes? 00:40:32.757 --> 00:40:45.481 And see if we could address that more directly in terms of getting on the same page and debriefing and just being more knowledgeable about what is actually happening on one hand. 00:40:45.481 --> 00:40:53.708 On the other hand, the more practical side of this is to create some kind of a rhythm or a cadence, because then it's easier for them to show up. 00:40:53.708 --> 00:41:03.842 If we are like let's go do this or I plan this, and they have their own ideas about what to do or what they wanted to do or whatever, they might not so easily come on board. 00:41:03.842 --> 00:41:20.925 And we do that a lot and I hear this a lot, and so then the thing is getting ahead of it enough, not too much, because then we're controlling Right, and again I feel like we're contorting ourselves to please our partner. 00:41:20.925 --> 00:41:23.824 No, we're meeting, we're getting right, and again it might feel like we're contorting ourselves to please our partner. 00:41:23.824 -->

00:41:24.849 No, we're meeting, we're getting our needs met. 00:41:24.849 --> 00:41:43.597 So how do we go about planning in a way that serves us both, not that undermines our partner or controls our partner or pushes our partner or stifles our partner, but allows them to show up so they have enough of a heads up so they can be there for us, or enough of a kid, and so that they know what to plan and how to plan for us. 00:41:43.597 --> 00:41:47.045 Right, that's the other thing there. 00:41:47.045 --> 00:41:49.190 Okay, very good. 00:41:49.630 --> 00:42:01.550 Now, moving on to element number five and the, the ninth way in which we may not be supported or in the way our partner might not be supportive. 00:42:01.550 --> 00:42:11.626 And that is, let me actually let me say this first this next to nine and 10, this is the element of collaboration. 00:42:11.626 --> 00:42:23.456 These have to do with the more practical side of things, and when people think of their partner not being supportive, this is usually what it boils down to it's like. 00:42:23.456 --> 00:42:25.163 In the practical it's more obvious. 00:42:25.163 --> 00:42:36.764 People might be attuned to, like my partner's not being supportive with my dreams, my wishes, my career or whatever, like just in emotional or mental things. 00:42:36.764 --> 00:42:43.927 But when it comes more to the practical, this is where it really shows up, and so this is where we wanted to get to into this conversation. 00:42:43.927 --> 00:42:48.257 So this is the one that people are usually curious about how do we get support? 00:42:48.257 --> 00:42:54.869 So number nine is the real, more practical things. 00:42:55.188 --> 00:42:59.884 Like people might say, sure, it's okay. 00:42:59.884 --> 00:43:06.804 This might sound very sexist and traditional because just bear with me for a second Sure, it's okay that you don't stay home with the children, that you go to work. 00:43:06.804 --> 00:43:09.400 That's one way they could play out. 00:43:09.400 --> 00:43:16.123 But then when the person goes to work, they still have to do all of the domestic. 00:43:16.123 --> 00:43:18.523 They're still responsible for all of the domestic things. 00:43:18.523 --> 00:43:22.443 They're still to blame if things fall through the cracks. 00:43:22.443 --> 00:43:35.706 They still they feel guilty if they don't get to do things with their kids, like there's all these things that happen with that choice. 00:43:35.974 --> 00:43:41.561 So it feels that the other partner, the other partner, is saying sure, you could do this thing, it's okay if you do this thing. 00:43:41.561 --> 00:43:44.141 Sure, it's okay if you start your own business? 00:43:44.141 --> 00:43:47.143 Yeah, but then I started to do all of the house stuff. 00:43:47.143 --> 00:43:55.461 Sure, it's okay that you go back to school and I'm still responsible for everything else. 00:43:55.461 --> 00:43:56.920 So where's the support? 00:43:56.920 --> 00:44:02.206 Sure, you could go do

the thing, but then that's not very supportive, really, right. 00:44:02.206 --> 00:44:08.295 So if, if there's no, there's no having my back in the other ways, like I'm supposed to, I'm expected to do it all. 00:44:08.295 --> 00:44:11.561 That's one way that this, this shows up. 00:44:11.561 --> 00:44:14.507 Let's see how else. 00:44:14.507 --> 00:44:21.748 Sure you could go on that vacation, but then I'm gonna torture you for spending the money, like things like this, right. 00:44:21.748 --> 00:44:26.925 So, like, sure you could do the thing, but then there's this thing that comes back to bite you. 00:44:26.925 --> 00:44:28.289 That's not supportive. 00:44:28.289 --> 00:44:38.945 So the way that we deal with that is that we address it in terms of roles, collaboration and responsibilities. 00:44:38.945 --> 00:44:46.661 So if there's clarity into how we divide and conquer things, regardless of the theme that I shared. 00:44:46.661 --> 00:44:51.885 Of sure you could go do the thing, but then there's no backup support. 00:44:52.255 --> 00:44:56.983 This could show up in many different ways and just in life, how are we not supported? 00:44:56.983 --> 00:44:59.844 How do we not jointly create a joint life? 00:44:59.844 --> 00:45:02.320 How do we address that? 00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:13.123 And that is by dividing and conquering, by knowing who's going to take care of what, and that level of responsibilities or assignments can shift according to what's happening. 00:45:13.123 --> 00:45:18.016 Right, there's a new baby, there's a new career, there's a new business, there is a new whatever. 00:45:18.016 --> 00:45:18.557 So whatever's happening. 00:45:18.557 --> 00:45:21.300 There's a new business, there is a new whatever, so whatever is happening. 00:45:21.300 --> 00:45:26.885 Then the other person could step up what they take care of. 00:45:26.885 --> 00:45:33.791 So there's room and space and energy and bandwidth and all the things for the new thing to be nurtured. 00:45:33.791 --> 00:45:41.242 So there is an equilibrium there and there is a give and take here. 00:45:41.503 --> 00:45:51.844 Over the lifetime of the relationship you will take turns where one time you do more than your partner in terms of the domestic things or responsibilities, because there's something else happening that they partner and you support in. 00:45:51.844 --> 00:45:57.846 And this is also where I usually say relationship math doesn't add up. 00:45:57.846 --> 00:46:03.646 We don't want to say well, you have 30 items, I have 30 items. 00:46:03.646 --> 00:46:11.217 Perfect, sure, I'll take five of yours, but then next month you have to take the five back or you have to cover five of mine. 00:46:11.217 --> 00:46:14.003 We're not doing that right. 00:46:14.003 --> 00:46:15.126 It could be a little skewed. 00:46:15.126 --> 00:46:19.344 You could have like five more your whole life and that's okay. 00:46:19.344 --> 00:46:20.809 We're not counting like that. 00:46:20.869 --> 00:46:23.835 This is not how relationships work. 00:46:23.835 --> 00:46:28.847 It's about having clarity on the expectations and who takes care of what. 00:46:28.847 --> 00:46:31.606 So there is no friction and so things flow. 00:46:31.606 --> 00:46:37.210 You might have different strength and capacities and bandwidth and time and whatever, and it's okay. 00:46:37.210 --> 00:46:41.545 If you carry a little bit more of the load because you might be carrying the load in other ways, okay. 00:46:41.545 --> 00:46:43.681 So please don't do that relationship math. 00:46:43.681 --> 00:46:44.664 You'll get tripped up on that. 00:46:44.664 --> 00:46:49.586 So, defining the roles, the expectations, having that clarity super helpful. 00:46:49.586 --> 00:47:04.300 One of the downloadables that I'm giving you has a whole tool for this to help you assign and spell out all the tasks and the responsibilities so you could truly share and create that collaboration seamlessly. 00:47:04.300 --> 00:47:06.346 All right, you're welcome. 00:47:07.894 --> 00:47:18.001 And then number 10, this is where you know this is something that I don't usually talk about, so this might be interesting to put in here. 00:47:18.001 --> 00:47:25.288 When we have partners or when we are the partner, who just makes life harder. 00:47:25.288 --> 00:47:52.068 Who the partner that breaks the things, who loses the things, who's always late, who doesn't pay bills on time, who spends all the money, who gets in trouble in ways in life I don't know right, who gets into the car accident, who breaks appliances, who gets hurt, who's sick all the time, like just a partner, who's just like gosh, darn it. 00:47:52.068 --> 00:47:55.422 Something else that I had to deal with because of how you're showing up. 00:47:55.422 --> 00:47:59.262 That is very interesting. 00:47:59.262 --> 00:48:01.920 I hardly talk about that. 00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:08.597 I address it in sessions, but I don't really put it in content too much, and I don't even know that I address it in session, that that directly. 00:48:08.597 --> 00:48:09.438 Like I just said it. 00:48:09.438 --> 00:48:15.777 That's interesting Something for us, both you guys and myself, to to play with. 00:48:16.880 --> 00:48:18.202 But it came up here, right? 00:48:18.202 --> 00:48:28.847 So how do we address that If our partner's being baggage or if we're being baggage, right? 00:48:28.847 --> 00:48:34.907 So if a partner is, gosh, making life really challenging, what is that? 00:48:34.907 --> 00:48:35.728 What is that about? 00:48:35.728 --> 00:48:52.099 And so how do we have a conversation and how do we approach this in a way that we don't throw the person under the bus, don't beat on them, don't make them feel bad about what's going on for them, because all of this is unconscious. 00:48:52.099 --> 00:48:52.963 Something's playing out. 00:48:53.103 --> 00:48:58.119 You see, this is tricky and so can that be unearthed. 00:48:58.119 --> 00:49:07.050 What is

going on that this person is manifesting all this challenge, this way of being, this way of having this human experience? 00:49:07.050 --> 00:49:07.931 What is that about? 00:49:07.931 --> 00:49:14.849 Can that be explored at a deeper level with a lot of compassion, with a lot of care, like what is happening? 00:49:14.849 --> 00:49:19.327 How do we address this without saying, wow, you are really making life really difficult for us. 00:49:19.327 --> 00:49:21.019 Figure that stuff out. 00:49:21.019 --> 00:49:24.422 That's not what we're doing, right, just gentle and caring. 00:49:24.574 --> 00:49:26.242 Like do we put therapy in place? 00:49:26.242 --> 00:49:27.195 Do we do? 00:49:27.195 --> 00:49:42.489 Do we put other mindfulness and other more holistic practices in place to deprogram at a deeper level, To meet needs at a different level, so that we change that pattern, that blueprint, whatever? 00:49:42.489 --> 00:49:46.226 All the things that we're doing funny there, so that we make life easier? 00:49:46.226 --> 00:49:48.983 So how do we help do that for our partner? 00:49:48.983 --> 00:49:51.664 What might be going on for them that we need to help put in place? 00:49:51.664 --> 00:49:55.246 What can we do to help break this cycle, this pattern? 00:49:55.246 --> 00:50:05.949 What's part of how we're contributing that they might be manifesting in this way from their side? 00:50:06.675 --> 00:50:08.135 Like what are we creating in our relationship? 00:50:08.135 --> 00:50:12.206 What am I contributing to the relationship that's creating this thing, that this is what's happening for them. 00:50:12.206 --> 00:50:15.219 I'm not blaming you. 00:50:15.219 --> 00:50:17.923 I'm saying what are we co-creating, right? 00:50:17.923 --> 00:50:21.818 And the other way around what are you doing If you're the person that's creating all the messes? 00:50:21.818 --> 00:50:24.864 What's going on, right? 00:50:24.864 --> 00:50:39.737 Are you not speaking up about yourself, honoring yourself enough, because you don't want to rock the boat, because you think your partner might not like you because they might leave you or whatever, and therefore this thing's coming out sideways? 00:50:39.737 --> 00:50:47.943 You get the attention, the love, the care, all the other things in this other way, and vice versa, right? 00:50:47.943 --> 00:50:50.523 So there's a lot of things that are at play. 00:50:50.523 --> 00:50:53.182 So how do we address them from different places? 00:50:54.195 --> 00:50:55.340 Okay, so that was number 10. 00:50:55.340 --> 00:50:58.762 Again, this is a lot. 00:50:58.762 --> 00:51:01.141 I am totally hooking you up. 00:51:01.141 --> 00:51:02.460 You don't have to do everything. 00:51:02.460 --> 00:51:03.599 You don't do everything at once. 00:51:03.599 --> 00:51:10.442 This is just to identify, wow, which one of these things might be playing out for us and what can I do differently? 00:51:10.442 --> 00:51:17.007 How can I show up differently If I'm being that partner that's not being supportive, or if my partner's not being supportive? 00:51:17.007 --> 00:51:19.597 What can I do differently so that I could get the support that I need? 00:51:19.597 --> 00:51:20.480 Not being supported? 00:51:20.480 --> 00:51:35.235 What can I do differently so that I could get the support that I need and to help you, please grab the totally free Marriage Breakthrough Essentials bundle, totally there for you. 00:51:35.235 --> 00:51:40.463 It has a bunch of different episodes to deepen into these things and all the guides with workbooks, exercises and all practical takeaways to help you do the work in whatever area you need. 00:51:40.463 --> 00:51:43.927 Okay, so please have your own back and grab that for yourself. 00:51:43.927 --> 00:51:46.451 Okay, so quick recap. 00:51:46.451 --> 00:51:49.282 So let's see. 00:51:49.635 --> 00:51:53.219 Element one commitment, and, by the way, that's also a new name. 00:51:53.219 --> 00:51:56.822 So commitment, and here's how are we all in? 00:51:56.822 --> 00:51:59.202 How do we invite our partner to be all in? 00:51:59.202 --> 00:52:00.728 How are we growth oriented? 00:52:00.728 --> 00:52:01.911 How do we continue to make progress? 00:52:01.911 --> 00:52:02.161 How do we invite our partner to be all in? 00:52:02.161 --> 00:52:02.389 How are we growth oriented? 00:52:02.389 --> 00:52:03.420 How do we continue to make progress? 00:52:03.420 --> 00:52:06.465 How do we create the life that we want, right? 00:52:06.465 --> 00:52:08.168 How do we not undermine? 00:52:08.168 --> 00:52:10.277 That's what we want to work on here. 00:52:11.539 --> 00:52:16.550 Number two is communication, and here's how do we align? 00:52:16.550 --> 00:52:17.998 How do we not sabotage? 00:52:17.998 --> 00:52:19.001 How do we not guesslight? 00:52:19.001 --> 00:52:20.083 How do we not dismiss? 00:52:20.083 --> 00:52:21.668 How do we feel more understood? 00:52:21.668 --> 00:52:24.963 Here's where we grab all the communication tools. 00:52:24.963 --> 00:52:26.420 There are plenty everywhere. 00:52:26.420 --> 00:52:27.103 You could grab them. 00:52:27.103 --> 00:52:42.465 Of course, all of our content has all kinds of things in there for you about this on them Our blog, our podcast and, of course, the bundle has all kinds of things, so grab that and to help you implement all the tools. 00:52:43.614 --> 00:53:10.266 Element number three is the new label consciousness, and this is where you increase awareness around what's triggering for you, what's triggering for your partner, how your defense is getting in the way, how you create a loop, how you get your needs met Right All kinds of things about that, having awareness about that and how do you stretch to meet each other's needs and so that you grow and you heal and you create what you want. 00:53:10.266 --> 00:53:40.235 Number four is connection, and in connection is where we create intimacy, where we create that connection, that fun, that passion,

the memories, all the good stuff, the fun, and so in here is where we put in a little rhythm for nourishing ourselves and each other and for showing up with that love easily, with not so much effort. 00:53:40.235 --> 00:53:41.641 None of these things need to be effort. 00:53:41.641 --> 00:53:53.347 And then, lastly, number five is collaboration, and this is where we create the partnership and where we make things happen, where we create the legacy, the meat of life, the life that we want. 00:53:53.347 --> 00:54:02.106 And to make this happen, we create systems, we put things in place right, so that assignment of tasks and responsibilities is one of the ways. 00:54:02.106 --> 00:54:07.025 So, again, all of these things are covered in some of the things that I put in the bundle for you. 00:54:07.255 --> 00:54:08.557 Please feel free to grab that. 00:54:08.557 --> 00:54:12.807 And also, of course, you could get more support. 00:54:12.807 --> 00:54:17.503 You can find out how to work with us in the description. 00:54:17.503 --> 00:54:19.869 I put some links and some information there for you. 00:54:19.869 --> 00:54:25.023 We have a package of sessions now at 30% discount. 00:54:25.023 --> 00:54:26.065 That's massive. 00:54:26.065 --> 00:54:30.577 We're totally celebrating 25 years in practice Yay. 00:54:30.577 --> 00:54:34.804 So we want to be here with you, celebrate, support. 00:54:34.804 --> 00:54:38.936 You spread the love, and that's what that's all about. 00:54:38.936 --> 00:54:44.201 So we would love to have you take advantage of that and we will support you on your journey. 00:54:44.201 --> 00:54:45.846 Make all these things happen, all these shifts. 00:54:47.375 --> 00:54:55.487 Now I would love it if you could give us a review, a five-star review. 00:54:55.487 --> 00:54:56.409 That would be fabulous. 00:54:56.409 --> 00:55:03.009 If you could share this with others who you think might be struggling, or that you know that you're struggling, that are struggling, that would be fabulous. 00:55:03.009 --> 00:55:06.565 25 years in practice, two years of podcasting. 00:55:06.565 --> 00:55:10.485 I would love to have other people have access to this stuff. 00:55:10.485 --> 00:55:14.286 I would love your support in helping me support them. 00:55:14.286 --> 00:55:16.481 That would be fabulous. 00:55:16.481 --> 00:55:19.478 And, of course, feel free to like this. 00:55:19.478 --> 00:55:22.902 Leave us a comment, a question celebrate, celebrate with us. 00:55:22.902 --> 00:55:24.824 Give me some blowhorns, I would love it. 00:55:24.824 --> 00:55:30.715 And um, also feel free to subscribe and follow. 00:55:30.715 --> 00:55:36.083 Depends on what platform you're watching this, so then I could continue to support you in your journey and we could stay connected. 00:55:36.083 --> 00:55:38.172 Thank you so much for watching. 00:55:38.172 --> 00:55:40.440 I look forward to seeing you at the next one. 00:55:40.440 --> 00:55:45.014 In the meantime, have a fabulous one and until then, bye.