Full Transcript for What Struggling Couples Can Learn From Successful Couples – Emma Solo (Ep.32)

want to do is look at our partner as an ally, not as our enemy. 00:04:47.334 --> 00:04:57.331 So it's not me versus you who gets more, who does more, who does less and all these things that people do, but rather, ooh, together we make a greater whole. 00:04:57.331 --> 00:04:59.225 The whole is greater than the parts. 00:04:59.225 --> 00:05:00.449 That's what we're shooting for. 00:05:00.449 --> 00:05:02.567 We're shooting for that oneness, right? 00:05:02.567 --> 00:05:17.475 So having that mentality, that mindset, shift to this up-leveled way of looking at things takes you a whole different direction than thinking which the partners of struggle think. 00:05:17.475 --> 00:05:18.399 Well, I do more than my partner. 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:20.805 How come they want to have to do the things I do more? 00:05:20.805 --> 00:05:21.928 My partner doesn't show up. 00:05:21.928 --> 00:05:22.550 My partner this. 00:05:22.550 --> 00:05:28.507 My partner that Blame, blame, blame, complain, complain, complain, as opposed to seeing what's my place in this? 00:05:28.586 --> 00:05:29.288 What am I doing? 00:05:29.288 --> 00:05:30.451 How am I showing up? 00:05:30.451 --> 00:05:31.473 How am I co-creating this? 00:05:31.473 --> 00:05:32.524 How am I inviting this? 00:05:32.524 --> 00:05:33.985 What can I do different? 00:05:33.985 --> 00:05:35.685 How can I contribute? 00:05:35.685 --> 00:05:40.285 How can I own my part in this and create a shift from my part? 00:05:40.285 --> 00:05:44.089 If I shift my part, my partner has to shift in relationship to how I'm different. 00:05:44.089 --> 00:05:46.512 That's how we create change, right. 00:05:46.512 --> 00:05:52.552 So there's a lot of different things here that we can own and step up so that we can start creating a transformation. 00:05:53.274 --> 00:05:56.362 Now the relationship strategy starts with this. 00:05:56.362 --> 00:06:12.649 The successful relationship strategy starts with this, because if we have a different filter, a different mindset, a different way of looking at things, then everything else flows from there Our communication, how we interact, how we try to have fun and connect, how we collaborate right, which are the other elements which I'm going to show you in a second. 00:06:12.649 --> 00:06:18.028 And so we have to clean up and step up this mindset piece. 00:06:18.028 --> 00:06:28.862 Okay, so that's number one, and the main thing that I want you to take away from here is for you to own what you bring to the interactions. 00:06:28.862 --> 00:06:37.035 Now, don't make yourself a saint, don't make yourself to be the perfect person, because if your relationship is struggling, you are contributing to that. 00:06:37.035 --> 00:06:39.262 Your job is to figure out what you are doing. 00:06:39.262 --> 00:06:42.329 Sorry, don't shoot the messenger and start changing that. 00:06:42.329 --> 00:06:46.648 I promise you that once you start changing yourself, the relationship starts changing as well. 00:06:46.648 --> 00:06:48.572 You can't say the same if a part of it changed. 00:06:48.572 --> 00:06:49.963 By definition. 00:06:49.963 --> 00:06:51.911 If a part changed, the whole thing is already different. 00:06:51.911 --> 00:06:56.007 Okay, and that will invite change from your partner, I promise. 00:06:56.689 --> 00:07:01.661 Now, the other thing with this is that, aside from that ownership, it's to set boundaries. 00:07:01.661 --> 00:07:15.956 So we want to set effective boundaries, and that means that the boundaries are set from the perspective of what I do, what I'm willing to put up with, what I'm no longer willing to put up with, rather than putting a boundary on you. 00:07:15.956 --> 00:07:19.908 So we can't tell people what to do, but we have control over what we do. 00:07:19.908 --> 00:07:21.011 We can tell ourselves what to do. 00:07:21.011 --> 00:07:23.122 So, if my partner does such and such. 00:07:23.122 --> 00:07:34.447 This is what I'm going to do, as opposed to telling my partner don't do this or don't do that, you see, and so our partner will learn not to do the thing if this is what they're going to get in turn, and so that's how this works. 00:07:34.447 --> 00:07:38.709 And this works in all other contexts as well, not just in our relationship. 00:07:40.173 --> 00:07:56.386 Okay, now, what I want to show you with this is that if you don't show up as being critical and shaming and complaining about your partner, but rather you step up your game and you start shifting, that ownership and that boundary setting from that perspective will start creating shifts immediately. 00:07:56.386 --> 00:08:16.105 So this is something and of course, we go into circles and ownership and boundaries, like all kinds of different things in our first session with clients, but as soon as this gets implemented, like things happen very quickly, because from here the whole thing is already like repositioned right, there was a different approach and a different way of flowing. 00:08:16.105 --> 00:08:17.970 That starts creating that transformation. 00:08:17.970 --> 00:08:21.704 So start with this Now if you want to take it a deeper level. 00:08:21.704 --> 00:08:25.406 These are the four virtues that I want you to cultivate and to play with. 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:26.685 So number one is commitment. 00:08:26.685 --> 00:08:33.282 So if we are going to have this grand life experience and we already make this choice of this partner. 00:08:33.282 --> 00:08:37.712 Let's commit to this relationship and to this partner Full stop. 00:08:37.712 --> 00:08:42.024 Okay, no hedging, not this, only this. 00:08:42.024 --> 00:08:46.889 If that and the other thing Full on, full in, you close all the Xs. 00:08:46.889 --> 00:08:57.270 When you do that, all of the energy is in one place and that level of commitment, like we're going to make this work, helps you make it work. 00:08:57.270 --> 00:09:03.888 If you're a half in, half out and you're just waiting for your

partner, they're waiting for you, nothing happens, I promise. 00:09:03.888 --> 00:09:09.678 Waiting for your partner, they're waiting for you, nothing happens, I promise. 00:09:09.678 --> 00:09:23.643 So, full commitment, full in, be loyal, dedicated to a full journey, experience that, in and of itself, just shifts things and things that are showing up and playing out differently, because just that commitment just makes you show up differently right off the top. 00:09:23.643 --> 00:09:24.865 That's virtual. 00:09:24.885 --> 00:09:29.725 Number one practicing that commitment in everything that you think, say, do, show up and all the things. 00:09:29.725 --> 00:09:31.666 Number two is confidence. 00:09:31.666 --> 00:09:38.765 Actually believe that this is possible, believe in yourself, believe in the relationship, have that level of faith. 00:09:38.765 --> 00:09:46.432 The next one is conviction, and this means staying true to your values and your principles. 00:09:46.432 --> 00:09:49.629 Integrity, your word, those things matter. 00:09:49.629 --> 00:10:06.315 That is your biggest currency, your energy and your word, how people could count on you and trust in you, and so nurture that, cultivate that and be true to your values. 00:10:06.315 --> 00:10:08.607 We actually have a downloadable. 00:10:08.740 --> 00:10:30.080 I'm going to put all the links for all the things that I'm going to offer today in the description and in the show notes and all other places in the captions and stuff so that you could access anything that resonates for you that you think you need to help you with whatever I'm saying, so you could identify your values and staying true to those values and aligning things along those values and creating shared values. 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:43.903 All these things are super important to help you align and reduce friction and conflict and noise and hurt and pain and all the things that might come from focusing on their own things and going about things their own way. 00:10:43.903 --> 00:10:48.708 So this conviction is staying true to that thing that's really inside of you. 00:10:48.708 --> 00:10:52.048 And the next one is contentment. 00:10:52.048 --> 00:10:56.761 These are all within element one still Contentment. 00:10:56.761 --> 00:11:25.815 Cultivating contentment means that you appreciate your partner in the relationship, that, even though there's always room for growth, always room for evolution, always room for doing things better, for tweaking, for polishing, for up-leveling, upgrading all the things, that at the bottom line there's an appreciation there, a true reverence for who your partner is, for them being your partner with a capital P in your journey and for the vehicle that is your relationship. 00:11:25.815 --> 00:11:34.875 That the opportunities that your relationship provides you to expand yourself in this human experience Isn't that beautiful. 00:11:34.875 --> 00:11:40.613 You might want to rewind if that was a mouthful and you're like, oh boy, I want to play with those things. 00:11:40.613 --> 00:11:47.025 By all means, go back and just take some notes and see how you could apply these things for yourself and start creating that shift immediately. 00:11:48.428 --> 00:11:50.173 Okay, element two. 00:11:50.173 --> 00:11:52.503 Element two is communication and alignment. 00:11:52.503 --> 00:12:12.302 So this has to do with all ways of communicating, and it ranges from the body language for how you show up, how you are tuned to the things that you hear, to how the things that you say, how you say them all of the different ways, and specifically how you are tuned to the things that you hear, to the things that you say, how you say them all of the different ways, and specifically how you set up conversations so that they're productive. 00:12:12.302 --> 00:12:16.096 Okay, so of course, this is only one episode of a podcast. 00:12:16.096 --> 00:12:19.328 There's a gazillion moving pieces to each of these things that I'm offering. 00:12:19.328 --> 00:12:23.602 I'm giving you a highlight now so that you can start creating changes immediately. 00:12:23.602 --> 00:12:36.692 But just know that there's a lot more to each one of these and that you could always dig deeper into them within our content or, if you want to work privately, if you need support Now, in our free content. 00:12:36.692 --> 00:12:42.572 Again, I'm going to put links in the description and in other places so that you could dig in deeper. 00:12:42.919 --> 00:12:51.067 For the communication one, the conversation piece for us to have productive conversations, we need to set them up properly to begin with. 00:12:51.067 --> 00:12:56.480 So one way to do that this is the takeaway is to ask for a conversation. 00:12:56.480 --> 00:13:20.427 So you're not going to do what people who are not successful in a relationship or who are struggling do, which is they walk by their partner and they dump information, or they address things that bothers them, or they complain about something, or they make a request and they assume that their partner heard it and that they're going to be able to act on it, or that they agreed to it, or that they understood it. 00:13:20.427 --> 00:13:23.025 Meanwhile, a lot of the time, the other person is not registering it. 00:13:23.025 --> 00:13:25.232 Meanwhile, a lot of the time, the other person is not registering it. 00:13:25.232 --> 00:13:37.429 So this is for, like, everyday things, but also for bigger things, and what a sure way of making sure that we are not in alignment, not on the same page, and that we create problems and conflicts. 00:13:38.373 --> 00:13:43.990 So what we want to do is make sure that our partners are available, that they could take us in or that they could hear us. 00:13:43.990 --> 00:13:47.850 So, for example, you would say something like hey, honey, I want to run something by you. 00:13:47.850 --> 00:13:49.662 Okay, you have a minute. 00:13:49.662 -->

00:13:52.549 I just want to share something that happened today. 00:13:52.549 --> 00:13:54.523 Or I need to pick your brain about something. 00:13:54.523 --> 00:13:56.148 So make sure that you have their attention. 00:13:56.148 --> 00:14:00.285 And they could be like okay, hang on one minute, let me finish writing this email, let me finish this thing that I'm doing. 00:14:00.285 --> 00:14:01.388 Or like, give me five minutes. 00:14:01.388 --> 00:14:04.072 I need to go to the bathroom first, whatever right. 00:14:04.072 --> 00:14:07.524 Or they could be like yes, I'm available and sure, what is it? 00:14:07.524 --> 00:14:10.548 But we have to have that you know. 00:14:11.383 --> 00:14:15.408 Yes, we're talking, we're both present for this conversation. 00:14:15.408 --> 00:14:18.524 We're both present to exchange information or to receive information. 00:14:18.524 --> 00:14:19.587 Both. 00:14:19.587 --> 00:14:21.144 That's super important. 00:14:21.144 --> 00:14:21.947 That's number one. 00:14:21.947 --> 00:14:26.731 And then two, we want to make sure that we share how we need to be heard. 00:14:26.731 --> 00:14:29.469 Are we just sharing something for kicks? 00:14:29.469 --> 00:14:32.048 Do we want somebody, the other person's input? 00:14:32.048 --> 00:14:34.246 Do we want a shoulder to lean on? 00:14:34.246 --> 00:14:40.933 Do we want to reach a place of an agreement to make a decision about something Right. 00:14:40.933 --> 00:15:00.495 So we have to give our partner a heads up as to how to listen to us so that they could look for the right information and respond to us in a way that serves that conversation, that exchange, and that our needs get met so they don't get flooded, they don't get lost, they don't get whatever and we get what we want out of that conversation. 00:15:00.495 --> 00:15:16.331 Now, this is especially true for women when I'm offering, because we tend to talk in circles, we tend to express a lot of detail, be very expressive, and we tend to lose our male counterparts if we're in a heterosexual relationship or more masculine brain partner. 00:15:16.331 --> 00:15:36.107 So we want to make sure that we tell them how to listen to us and so that we can have a productive conversation and this is true for both partners, but definitely for the way that the women communicate, so that they or the more feminine brain communicates, so that the other partner could take us in and actually meet us where we need them to meet us at. 00:15:37.220 --> 00:15:37.461 Now. 00:15:37.461 --> 00:15:40.049 Those two things are super important right off the bat. 00:15:40.049 --> 00:15:43.879 You have some skills there and that's just for regular conversation. 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:46.970 That's not for when you're triggered or when you need to address something more heavy duty. 00:15:46.970 --> 00:15:50.706 That's like a little bit beyond today, but for now that's good enough. 00:15:50.706 --> 00:16:01.172 Just don't make those assumptions that your

partner is hearing you or sticking you in or is receiving the information, unless you have confirmation and you check in that you're on the same page. 00:16:01.833 --> 00:16:19.263 Okay, now with this one, what I want to offer is the four virtues, for this one are clarity, and that means to communicate clearly, openly, honestly, thoroughly, without overdoing it. 00:16:19.263 --> 00:16:24.902 So there's clarity in what you're saying, the message that you're sending and it could be received. 00:16:24.902 --> 00:16:29.346 So you have to be a responsible sender so that the other person can receive you. 00:16:29.346 --> 00:16:40.139 If you're talking giverish, the other person's going to receive giverish, and then you can't get upset that you're not being understood, just saying Okay. 00:16:40.139 --> 00:16:41.221 The next one is civility. 00:16:41.241 --> 00:16:50.556 So this is interesting because partners usually think that it's okay to treat their partner as somebody who will just take anything right. 00:16:50.556 --> 00:16:59.575 Because we're married already or in a long-term relationship, we think that it's okay for our partner to receive the worst parts of us and for us to treat them like crap when we have an crappy day. 00:16:59.575 --> 00:17:02.809 That's just not true and just not so and not fair. 00:17:02.809 --> 00:17:06.328 For those of you who are thinking well, that's what marriage is. 00:17:06.328 --> 00:17:07.546 I should be able to put up with stuff. 00:17:07.546 --> 00:17:08.442 I don't have to be. 00:17:08.442 --> 00:17:09.444 Why do I have to be perfect? 00:17:09.444 --> 00:17:10.448 Why can't I make mistakes? 00:17:10.448 --> 00:17:11.872 Nobody is perfect. 00:17:11.872 --> 00:17:15.967 Like I will have a bad day, yeah, fair. 00:17:16.980 --> 00:17:29.046 But that doesn't mean that you can't moderate yourself to some place, to some, in some form, so that you're not a complete jerk to your partner because you're having a bad day. 00:17:29.046 --> 00:17:30.635 It doesn't give you a license to be a jerk. 00:17:30.635 --> 00:17:41.108 You might have a hard time regulating yourself or being pleasant, but doesn't mean that you have to still not be cautious, or intentional, or careful. 00:17:41.108 --> 00:17:44.978 To some extent that could mean even things like or careful. 00:17:44.978 --> 00:17:48.765 To some extent that could mean even things like hey, honey, I'm having a bad day, you know, like I can't even stand myself. 00:17:48.765 --> 00:17:54.194 So stay clear, just a heads up, just bring in some intentionality, right? 00:17:54.194 --> 00:17:59.519 So it doesn't mean that we could just go off the hinges because we're not in a good place, right? 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:02.970 We don't want that from our partner to do to us either. 00:18:02.970 --> 00:18:09.061 We're here to support each other in the good, the bad and the ugly Within moderation. 00:18:09.061 --> 00:18:12.228 It doesn't mean that all gloves are off because of that

belief. 00:18:12.228 --> 00:18:14.513 So that's stability, right. 00:18:14.513 --> 00:18:17.182 Treat each other with respect and kindness and consideration. 00:18:18.631 --> 00:18:20.374 The third one is carefulness. 00:18:20.374 --> 00:18:29.840 And carefulness, I mean, sounds a little funky, right, but that comes from a place of just being thoughtful with your words and with your actions. 00:18:29.840 --> 00:18:32.231 And how do you show up to being intentional? 00:18:32.231 --> 00:18:37.660 In a way, and I don't know if you noticed it, but all of these words start with a C. 00:18:37.660 --> 00:18:45.699 I just had fun creating a C list with all of these virtues, so that one just came up to share with you. 00:18:46.490 --> 00:18:49.180 And the last one for element two is courage. 00:18:49.180 --> 00:19:14.612 And so what we want to do with this one is embrace vulnerability and the ability to tackle tough conversations, and the ability to tackle tough conversations in a way that we're showing up authentically, that we're opening up, that we're vulnerable, that we're available, that we take a risk If there's something that we don't like or something that we prefer differently, that we're able to speak up. 00:19:14.612 --> 00:19:17.682 And speaking up and standing up for ourselves doesn't mean that we cancel our partner in the process. 00:19:17.682 --> 00:19:23.259 It means that we create space for both of us to be heard, right, but just stretching in this department. 00:19:23.259 --> 00:19:26.118 So those are the four virtues for element two. 00:19:26.118 --> 00:19:33.182 So again, let me repeat them for you Clarity, civility, carefulness and courage. 00:19:33.182 --> 00:19:36.194 And for element one, just a quick recap. 00:19:36.194 --> 00:19:41.625 They were commitment, confidence, conviction and contentment. 00:19:41.625 --> 00:19:45.420 All right, so we're going to move on to element three. 00:19:45.420 --> 00:19:47.752 Now for element three. 00:19:47.752 --> 00:19:54.025 The name for this element is clarity and dynamics. 00:19:54.369 --> 00:19:59.623 This one has to do with the loop, the patterns that we create in our relationship. 00:19:59.623 --> 00:20:24.678 Now, the less that we've done to heal, grow, evolve, develop ourselves, the more likely that we are to have programs, beliefs and conditions and all kinds of different things playing out in the backgrounds, subconsciously and unconsciously, to create what drives us. 00:20:24.678 --> 00:20:50.391 So we are parading from programs, we're parading automatically, we're not being intentional, we're not being conscious in our interactions, and what happens is that in interactions we might get more easily triggered and then, when we get triggered, our automatic responses come up, the usual triggers, so things that are not resolved happen, and then we react to those and respond to those the same old way. 00:20:50.391 --> 00:20:58.231 We trigger our partner's sensitivities in places, and then

they have their own reaction Also. 00:20:58.231 --> 00:21:13.336 They haven't done their own work right, so they're more triggerable also if they haven't done their own work and they have their own automatic reactions as well, and the flavor of their reactions will trigger ours and then we respond in kind and triggers theirs and we create a perpetrating loop. 00:21:13.336 --> 00:21:15.923 Boom, that's not what we want. 00:21:15.923 --> 00:21:20.352 So that's how we create stack dynamics and patterns in our relationship. 00:21:20.833 --> 00:21:31.071 If you heard yourself say things over and over like we keep going over and over these things, I keep repeating myself we keep having the same experience, we keep making the same mistakes. 00:21:31.071 --> 00:21:32.414 You keep responding that way. 00:21:32.414 --> 00:21:33.659 I already told you I don't like that. 00:21:33.659 --> 00:21:43.880 Whatever, whatever the flavor is in your relationship, the repeating things that don't work is because of this right, so they haven't resolved things or unhealed things. 00:21:43.880 --> 00:21:45.876 You haven't resolved things or unhealed things. 00:21:45.876 --> 00:21:53.503 You have mechanical or habitual responses, patterns playing out, and that stuff is having a relationship. 00:21:53.503 --> 00:21:56.337 So it's not the authentic you, it's the core of you guys interacting. 00:21:56.337 --> 00:21:57.501 You have your junk having a relationship. 00:21:57.501 --> 00:21:59.347 So it's not the authentic you, it's the core of you guys interacting. 00:21:59.347 --> 00:22:01.212 You're drunk having a relationship. 00:22:02.174 --> 00:22:14.816 So the work here is to watch your stuff, clean up your stuff, up-level yourself, heal, deprogram, decondition, so you can show up more authentically, right, and so you're not as triggerable, you can have more grace. 00:22:14.816 --> 00:22:16.780 So that's what partners do? 00:22:16.780 --> 00:22:19.756 They show up with all that noise and then they wonder how come there's so much friction? 00:22:19.756 --> 00:22:22.383 How come we're constantly bickering? 00:22:22.383 --> 00:22:23.492 How come we have all these fights? 00:22:23.492 --> 00:22:25.599 How come I can't open my mouth and you automatically get mad? 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:33.458 How come we can't have a conversation that we get into a disagreement and then a fight and then like a massive fight and then we're thinking about breaking up and we throw out the baby with the bathwater. 00:22:33.458 --> 00:22:35.682 We don't want any of that stuff. 00:22:36.482 --> 00:22:53.357 So, owning our things, being mindful not to trigger our partner's things, and then investing in healing ourselves and giving things to our partner that heals them right and to help us each other, bringing that intentionality to help each other and ourselves decondition, reprogram, heal, reparent ourselves. 00:22:53.357 --> 00:22:57.576 I just gave you a mouthful, so that's like a lot of stuff to do

there. 00:22:57.576 --> 00:22:59.231 Don't be intimidated by that. 00:22:59.231 --> 00:23:00.013 The main thing to do. 00:23:00.013 --> 00:23:07.903 The takeaway is to be intentional and mindful, to increase your awareness of what's happening when you get triggered. 00:23:08.224 --> 00:23:16.492 So, as soon as you start getting worked up, install a pause, if you may, or call out a timeout and be like I'm getting triggered, I just need a moment. 00:23:16.492 --> 00:23:24.319 So some of us could, in that moment, talk through what's happening and that could be a transformative experience in the moment. 00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:27.311 But that is very hard to do so. 00:23:27.311 --> 00:23:36.118 If you're a newbie at this stuff, you could say pause, time out, let me just think, let me regroup here, let's take a few to regroup and come back. 00:23:36.118 --> 00:23:37.681 And a few could mean whatever and come back. 00:23:37.681 --> 00:23:58.223 And if you could mean whatever right up to 24 hours potentially, like I need to just sit with this and process and once you have a handle on what got triggered for you, what your experience was, the assumptions that you made, the scripts that came up and started running rampant and all that kind of stuff, and you could see your partner's side also. 00:23:58.509 --> 00:24:00.076 This is the cue, the clue. 00:24:00.076 --> 00:24:00.913 How do you know that? 00:24:00.913 --> 00:24:14.357 You processed it and you're regrouped and you're ready to have a conversation, and then you realize that nobody's the enemy and you both just were having a bad interaction and you could have a better conversation about that. 00:24:14.357 --> 00:24:18.273 If you're thinking about it and you're still like I want to tell them oh, bah, bah, bah, bah. 00:24:18.273 --> 00:24:18.894 Better conversation about that. 00:24:18.894 --> 00:24:26.845 If you're thinking about it and you're still like I want to tell them oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, or they still didn't see this or they didn't understand the other and I still want to show them this and like they don't get it and this is what they did. 00:24:26.904 --> 00:24:43.846 If you're still thinking like that, you're still having ways to go to process that you haven't fully regrouped for lack of a better word and so sometimes you can regroup together after, like things, calm down and you can help each other see stuff, and that's what we do in therapy, right? 00:24:43.846 --> 00:24:46.535 So the conversations help us do that, or help partners do that, I should say. 00:24:46.535 --> 00:24:58.920 And so in those moments, processing back and forth the experience, the partners get to see what happened for them and what happened for the other, and they have a fuller understanding. 00:24:58.920 --> 00:25:05.819 And in that understanding there's alignment, there's healing, there's being seen and heard and validated and all the yummy stuff. 00:25:05.819 --> 00:25:20.056 And so that's part of the takeaway Having that awareness, taking a pause to regroup to see, okay, what's happening, and then coming back and having a conversation as to that, right. 00:25:20.056 --> 00:25:27.778 So then that's where the juicy stuff happens and the growth and transformation happens, and then, of course, always being mindful not to trigger your partner as best you can. 00:25:27.778 --> 00:25:33.157 Sometimes they get triggered just because they get triggered, and vice versa, we get triggered just because a partner doesn't necessarily do anything wrong. 00:25:33.157 --> 00:25:34.441 That's just the way of life. 00:25:34.441 --> 00:25:42.451 So that's why we bring in the other piece of like, okay, process it and then address it together and that's where the healing and the beautiful stuff happens. 00:25:42.451 --> 00:25:46.679 Okay, that's again a whole bunch of stuff. 00:25:46.679 --> 00:25:54.996 There's a lot more that meets the eyes there, but that's just some quick takeaways for you to start playing with this particular element, particular element, okay. 00:25:55.096 --> 00:26:23.111 Now, the virtues for this one are calmness, and this means that, like I said before, with all the noise and the triggers and this and that and the other thing, like all the things show up, calmness means that during challenging times, you could still remain peaceful, you could still stay sane, you could still take in what's happening and you could address things properly, that you don't allow yourself to get triggered to go to that place. 00:26:23.111 --> 00:26:29.152 Or even if you're triggered, you kind of remain even keel, like you're able to just manage right. 00:26:29.152 --> 00:26:30.795 So you regulate yourself. 00:26:30.795 --> 00:26:39.740 Composure is the next one, and this one has to do with staying collected when you're in conflict. 00:26:39.740 --> 00:26:52.662 So you're not going for a ride, you're not biting the hook, you're not getting all up in the other person's grill, you are staying collected even though there's conflict going on, right. 00:26:52.662 --> 00:26:54.372 So these two sound similar. 00:26:54.372 --> 00:27:05.738 The other one's like more of a global thing, like situations are happening and you stay pretty peaceful within yourself, in your routine, in your day, in the moments. 00:27:05.738 --> 00:27:10.342 The other one's more specific to an exchange in the immediate moment, right. 00:27:10.342 --> 00:27:15.740 So calmness is like the bigger, higher perspective, more global experience. 00:27:15.740 --> 00:27:19.930 Composure is more in the moment and doing that and interaction. 00:27:21.334 --> 00:27:45.384 Then the third one is compassion, and this one has to do with supporting each other with empathy and understanding, and so when there are those moments of intensity, of triggers, emotionality and things like that, to be able to respond with compassion and with kindness, with understanding, with empathy for our partner's experience.

00:27:45.384 --> 00:27:49.300 A lot of times we might look at our partner and we just don't get it. 00:27:49.300 --> 00:27:53.501 Why did they get so worked up all of a sudden about something that we did or somebody else did? 00:27:53.501 --> 00:27:57.434 It's challenging to see when we're both worked up or when we both get triggered. 00:27:57.434 --> 00:27:58.336 Else did. 00:27:58.336 --> 00:28:04.846 It's challenging to see when we're both worked up or when we both get triggered, but usually most of the time one person gets triggered. 00:28:04.846 --> 00:28:08.817 First they kind of go a little berserk and then in that berserkness they trigger the other partner, right? 00:28:08.817 --> 00:28:09.721 So then the whole thing gets a little wacky. 00:28:09.721 --> 00:28:12.109 But so while your partner's being triggered and you haven't gotten triggered yourself. 00:28:12.109 --> 00:28:25.865 Yet perfect, that's when you bring in the compassion and this empathy because potentially you would help them shortchange that circuit and then you don't get grabbed into the whole crazy moment. 00:28:27.230 --> 00:28:30.238 And then the last one, with this element three. 00:28:30.238 --> 00:28:41.698 The last virtue is consistency, and this one has to do with how do we show up with love and care regularly so that we build trust right? 00:28:41.698 --> 00:28:55.516 Part of people feeling neglected and abandoned and getting triggered in those places is because there is inconsistency in how we relate and how we show up and how we keep our word, our commitments and what we do. 00:28:55.516 --> 00:29:10.651 We keep our word, our commitments and what we do, and so that's the shortest way to undermine our trust and our commitment in our relationship, the status of our relationship, and so this consistency piece is very important, especially for partners who have those kinds of wounds. 00:29:10.651 --> 00:29:17.723 Okay, so these four virtues for element three are, again, are calmness, composure. 00:29:17.723 --> 00:29:25.548 For element three are, again, are calmness, composure, compassion and consistency. 00:29:25.548 --> 00:29:30.511 Okay, we're moving on to element four. 00:29:30.511 --> 00:29:31.314 Element four is connection and intimacy. 00:29:31.334 --> 00:29:32.316 Now, this is one of my favorites. 00:29:32.316 --> 00:29:33.137 I mean, I love them all. 00:29:33.137 --> 00:29:48.557 They all have their own awesomeness and, again, we don't have much time together so I can't flesh out all of these elements to all the degree that I would love to and give you all the nuances for each one of these and tell you what I love about each one. 00:29:48.557 --> 00:29:57.380 But just know that there's really yumminess in all of these places, and for this one it's bringing a lot today just because of us. 00:29:57.380 --> 00:30:19.460 We are gearing up for Valentine's day, so I want to say a little bit more about why this one is special to me, or why I love this one so much,

and that is because this is where we get to build connection, and if you know anything about my content and our approach, one of the tenets of what we do is that, or the beliefs that we build on, is that through connection, we could pretty much take care of what we do. 00:30:19.460 --> 00:30:22.336 Is that, or the beliefs that we build on, is that, through connection, we could pretty much take care of anything and do anything. 00:30:22.336 --> 00:30:31.893 And so, of course, this one that is like really special for me or to me, and the key with this one, obviously, then, is to build connection. 00:30:31.893 --> 00:30:36.683 So create connection, maintain connection and deepen connection. 00:30:36.683 --> 00:30:42.013 Maintain connection and deepen connection. 00:30:42.013 --> 00:30:43.217 That's the goal with this one. 00:30:43.238 --> 00:30:48.692 So if the relationship is requiring more safety and and there's conflict and there's trust issues and there are funky things in the relationship. 00:30:48.692 --> 00:30:52.643 Then we need to work on the emotional connection side of things. 00:30:52.643 --> 00:31:00.785 Once that piece is more established, then we let our hair down and we could work more on the physical passion side of things. 00:31:00.785 --> 00:31:02.576 So there's like that spectrum there. 00:31:02.576 --> 00:31:05.057 Of course we could do both at the same time. 00:31:05.057 --> 00:31:13.721 Of course we could focus on passion if we want to, but just know that those are harder things to do if there's no emotional safety first. 00:31:13.721 --> 00:31:18.046 Okay, so this is kind of like a quick little mindset piece around that. 00:31:18.046 --> 00:31:33.099 So you understand maybe where you need to focus more on If you're having a blast sex life, know that some of the things might need to happen first before you start tackling that intimacy piece, that physical intimacy piece, anyway. 00:31:33.601 --> 00:31:37.790 So what partners usually do here is completely shut down. 00:31:37.790 --> 00:31:41.315 They lead parallel lives, they avoid each other. 00:31:41.315 --> 00:31:42.717 They just don't know how to enjoy each other. 00:31:42.717 --> 00:31:46.300 They neglect the relationship, they don't invest in the relationship, they don't have fun together. 00:31:46.300 --> 00:31:47.682 They don't know how to have fun together. 00:31:47.682 --> 00:31:51.226 They can't have intimate conversations, right. 00:31:51.226 --> 00:31:56.859 So I'm sure that you can relate to a lot of these if you're struggling in your relationship. 00:31:56.859 --> 00:31:58.727 And so what we want to do here is prioritize the relationship. 00:31:59.309 --> 00:32:02.596 What happens a lot is that life gets in the way. 00:32:02.596 --> 00:32:10.381 Things get busy, we might have the children, the children become a priority and the whole romantic side of a relationship goes out the window. 00:32:10.381 --> 00:32:13.981 We become the partners in the business of life.

00:32:13.981 --> 00:32:20.618 We become the husband and the wife I'm sorry, we become the father and the mother if we're heterosexual or whatever the combination is if you're not. 00:32:20.618 --> 00:32:26.920 And it becomes about that, right, the doing of life, the raising of the children, the making the life. 00:32:26.920 --> 00:32:33.929 But the connection between the partners get lost, right, the juice of the couple gets lost. 00:32:33.929 --> 00:32:37.238 There's no more couple, there's no more romantical partnership. 00:32:37.238 --> 00:32:44.760 It's only the business of life, the marriage part, and this is where most couples go wrong, right? 00:32:44.760 --> 00:32:53.281 So losing sight of the specialness, the intimacy, the connection that's inherent to being a romantic couple. 00:32:53.281 --> 00:32:56.876 And so that's where the prioritizing the relationship comes first. 00:32:57.238 --> 00:33:06.636 Now people say things like the children are important, the children are a priority, and things like that For sure, right, who's going to take care of the children if it's not for the parents? 00:33:06.636 --> 00:33:08.141 A hundred percent. 00:33:08.141 --> 00:33:11.115 But they can't be at the expense of the couple. 00:33:11.115 --> 00:33:13.000 This is a mistake that the partners make. 00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:18.691 You still need to prioritize the couple, and it doesn't mean that you give the couple all of the time. 00:33:18.691 --> 00:33:31.584 It means that at any moment in time you assess what is the priority and how you protect the bond and the couple from the onslaught of everyday life and parenting. 00:33:31.584 --> 00:33:41.499 Okay, and so, whatever you need to do to make some time, quality time, for you and your partner to nurture that part of your relationship Huge. 00:33:42.211 --> 00:33:45.259 Now for this one, we have a protocol. 00:33:45.259 --> 00:33:48.558 It's the Date, your Partner protocol, that you could also download from our website. 00:33:48.558 --> 00:33:54.351 It's free and, like I said before, I'm going to put all kinds of resources At the end of this. 00:33:54.351 --> 00:34:35.615 I'm going to tell you all the things that I'm going to put for free in the description so that you could help yourself with whatever element or something is for you the most that you need to do, the most work on well-being, pretty self-explanatory Charity, being generous with how you show affection, how available you are with your time, with your presence, with gifts, whatever is important for you guys in a way that touches your partner. 00:34:37.039 --> 00:34:43.340 The next one is cheerfulness, and this one is about bringing positivity and joy to the relationship. 00:34:43.340 --> 00:34:58.916 Right, there's nothing worse than a partner who's constantly whining or complaining about something, or who is just picking at everything and like nothing, nothing makes them happy and that's just boring, right, and that's just. 00:34:58.916 --> 00:35:03.858 I'm thinking of the worst words I'm catching myself here. 00:35:03.858 --> 00:35:06.626 But that's just like a downer, right, it's every downer. 00:35:06.626 --> 00:35:07.146 We don't want that. 00:35:07.146 --> 00:35:10.704 And so just how do we bring that positivity? 00:35:10.704 --> 00:35:12.621 How do we up-level our game with that? 00:35:12.621 --> 00:35:30.659 And the last one for element four is creativity, and this one has to do with how to keep the spark alive, having fresh experiences, fresh ideas for things to do together, to experience, to check out, to explore, and all of the things. 00:35:30.659 --> 00:35:32.344 How do you create the adventures? 00:35:32.344 --> 00:35:37.563 How do you create moments to learn each other even more and more deeply? 00:35:37.563 --> 00:35:40.268 Okay, so the four quick recap. 00:35:40.268 --> 00:35:46.965 The four for element four are caring, charity, cheerfulness and creativity. 00:35:46.965 --> 00:35:51.965 Okay, so I'm going a little long, so I'm just gonna. 00:35:51.965 --> 00:35:55.585 I'm trying to speed up here a little bit, just bear with me. 00:35:55.956 --> 00:36:00.588 Element five is collaboration and partnership. 00:36:00.588 --> 00:36:13.704 So this one is fun just because this is where the practical stuff comes in, and some people really struggle with putting things in place and being practical, and some of us are just nerdy with this stuff, and just that's why we love it. 00:36:13.704 --> 00:36:17.425 So this is where that stuff happens. 00:36:17.425 --> 00:36:25.907 And for this one people who are struggling in their relationship they just don't have good systems for co-creating with their partner, for creating a partnership, right. 00:36:25.907 --> 00:36:30.864 Everything is off the cuff, flying by the seat of their pants, winging everything. 00:36:30.864 --> 00:36:36.681 There's no plan, there is no system, there is no structure, there's no routines, like just everything's pretty chaotic. 00:36:36.681 --> 00:36:41.663 And I'm saying there is none, there is none, but there might be some. 00:36:41.663 --> 00:36:50.981 It's just not enough to create ease and flow and good working machine out of the operations of running your lives together. 00:36:50.981 --> 00:36:59.568 So that's what this one is about Mapping out the cadences of when you do things, how do you do them, and creating systems for making them happen. 00:36:59.568 --> 00:37:04.483 And we don't want to show up haphazardly, we want to be able to. 00:37:04.483 --> 00:37:06.206 Okay, I leave off here. 00:37:06.206 --> 00:37:08.802 My partner picks up here, right, like what is that system? 00:37:08.802 --> 00:37:13.605 Like I'm supposed to reinvent the wheel every time something comes up or every time I have to get something done. 00:37:13.605 --> 00:37:17.240 That's just more work than it's necessary. 00:37:17.240 --> 00:37:20.829 Life is enough work, we don't need to make it worse and more complicated.

00:37:22.155 --> 00:37:26.067 Okay, so the four virtues for element five are collaboration. 00:37:26.067 --> 00:37:31.961 And some of these words are self-explanatory, right, but we want to apply them to the relationship. 00:37:31.961 --> 00:37:36.166 Collaboration is building a shared vision. 00:37:36.166 --> 00:37:48.096 So this one has to have like a higher perspective as to what are we co-creating, what's my input, what's your input, what is the shared vision and how do we go about making that happen. 00:37:48.096 --> 00:37:51.485 Like a big picture perspective of like what kind of life do we want to create? 00:37:51.485 --> 00:37:52.938 What kind of lifestyle do we want to live? 00:37:52.938 --> 00:37:54.882 How do we go about making that happen? 00:37:54.882 --> 00:37:57.447 The next one is cooperation. 00:37:57.447 --> 00:38:04.449 So this one is slightly different in that this is more down to earth as opposed to like the higher perspective. 00:38:04.449 --> 00:38:09.804 This one is more like how are we a team, how do we tackle all the tasks and create the things? 00:38:09.804 --> 00:38:10.800 How do we achieve the goals? 00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:15.887 Just like more foot to the pedal kind of thing, like more in the moment, more practical. 00:38:15.887 --> 00:38:17.320 The other one is more visionary. 00:38:17.320 --> 00:38:18.840 This one is more of the doing. 00:38:18.840 --> 00:38:25.007 Okay, and then that was collaboration and cooperation for element five. 00:38:25.007 --> 00:38:27.519 And then the next one. 00:38:27.559 --> 00:38:36.840 The next virtue is compromise, which has to do with finding a balance of mutual solutions. 00:38:36.840 --> 00:38:48.155 Now, when people hear compromise compromise has kind of, for some reason, a bad rap People think that, okay, I give something up so that we could meet in the middle, right? 00:38:48.155 --> 00:38:52.666 So I give something, you give something, and we find a middle, a common ground in the middle. 00:38:52.666 --> 00:38:57.766 Sure, that's one way of doing it, but I hate to look at this as giving something up. 00:38:57.766 --> 00:39:03.402 I think that a better way of looking at compromise is how do I bring my stuff in? 00:39:03.402 --> 00:39:10.030 You bring your stuff in and they melt together so we create a common thing, as opposed to we lose things. 00:39:10.030 --> 00:39:14.286 We create a greater thing that we can do together that meets both of our needs. 00:39:14.286 --> 00:39:17.581 That's how I like to look at compromise so there's no loss in there. 00:39:17.581 --> 00:39:19.679 So that's what we're looking for. 00:39:19.679 --> 00:39:22.068 To look at compromise so there's no lowest in there. 00:39:22.068 --> 00:39:23.434 So that's what we're looking for. 00:39:27.235 --> 00:39:41.610 And then the last one, the virtue number four for this element five is competence, and this has to do with being reliable and capable in meeting responsibilities, and so you want to bring your strengths and your skills and capitalize on those, and you will have different strengths and different skills and most likely the opposite. 00:39:41.610 --> 00:39:49.063 So it actually behooves you to bring your stuff to the table, because you will create a greater whole, the parts will create a greater whole. 00:39:49.063 --> 00:39:55.643 So capitalize on each other's strengths to synergize, to move things forward to pick up momentum right. 00:39:55.643 --> 00:40:03.434 So working together, creating a synergy that's fabulous, okay. 00:40:03.434 --> 00:40:05.057 So quick recap for element five. 00:40:05.057 --> 00:40:11.108 They are collaboration, cooperation, compromise and competence okay, my love. 00:40:11.208 --> 00:40:18.798 So a quick recap of all the things this successful relationship strategy came to be from all of the work that I've done with all of the couples for all of the time. 00:40:18.798 --> 00:40:30.217 And it boils down to this four, five aspects of relationship, these five critical elements that when you start investing in them intentionally, you start creating a transformation in your relationship. 00:40:30.217 --> 00:40:44.224 If you're struggling or taking it to the next level, if you're doing okay and today I added to the description of them a quick kind of like where you might get stuck, like how you're doing it wrong, and a quick takeaway so you can start creating a transformation. 00:40:44.224 --> 00:40:54.967 And I added the bonus of four virtuals for each of the elements so that you could dig in and cultivate those characteristics and take everything to the next level for yourself. 00:40:54.967 --> 00:40:58.485 Thank you so much for watching and for listening up to this point. 00:40:59.036 --> 00:41:04.005 I hope all those things served you and, like I promised, I'm going to list a few things I'm going to offer in the resources. 00:41:04.005 --> 00:41:10.961 I'm going to put a list into our YouTube playlist of the elements, so you go deeper into each one of them. 00:41:10.961 --> 00:41:12.641 Everything that I'm going to say today is free. 00:41:12.641 --> 00:41:19.085 I am going to put a link to 20 Days Relationship Enrichment Challenge. 00:41:19.085 --> 00:41:21.860 It's going to be perfect for Valentine's Day and the month of love. 00:41:21.860 --> 00:41:30.461 I'm going to put a link to values so that you could identify your values and you could align together and work towards those shared values and creating a shared vision. 00:41:30.461 --> 00:41:34.121 I am going to put a link to the Date your Partner Protocol. 00:41:34.121 --> 00:41:37.300 So, bam, you could create that connection and have fun with your partner. 00:41:38.815 --> 00:41:41.143 And two other things that I didn't really mention, but why not? 00:41:41.143 --> 00:41:43.222 I think that will hook you up with all these things. 00:41:43.222 --> 00:41:56.407 One is sharing responsibilities checklist, so you could really divide and conquer, and this is for element five so really create a good collaboration, sharing chores and responsibilities. 00:41:56.407 --> 00:41:59.503 People get hung up on that and fight all the time about that stuff. 00:41:59.503 --> 00:42:02.802 And the other one is setting effective boundaries. 00:42:02.802 --> 00:42:13.204 I did mention that, but this PDF really goes into depth, describing types of boundaries, how they show up and the meaning and how to apply them. 00:42:13.204 --> 00:42:15.603 So I think that that will be fabulous and really helpful for you. 00:42:15.603 --> 00:42:17.300 Okay, so tons of resources. 00:42:17.300 --> 00:42:18.344 Be sure you check them out. 00:42:18.344 --> 00:42:19.739 I hope you enjoy them. 00:42:19.739 --> 00:42:25.480 I would love to hear how you make out with them. 00:42:25.480 --> 00:42:34.302 If you have any questions, let us know in the comments which element resonated the most for you, which one you're going to be playing with for Valentine's day and how you're going to be making things amazing, and I look forward to seeing you at the next one. 00:42:34.302 --> 00:42:36.110 Thank you for watching. 00:42:36.110 --> 00:42:36.512 Bye.