Full Transcript for Why THIS Question From Your Wife Starts The Worst Fights | EP 56

00:02:11.680 But what about days when he wasn't? 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:12.080 Right? 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:19.280 Well, in my view, important there, my view, my brother and my mother couldn't handle that, and they would do something I hated. 00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:22.719 They used to say, you're upset, or what's wrong? 00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:24.560 In a kind of biting way. 00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:32.159 And at the time nothing was wrong, I just wanted space, or maybe some bloody understanding like I always gave them, but no. 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:34.479 What's wrong, Alessandra? 00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:36.000 Why are you upset? 00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:39.199 Now if you've ever been questioned in this way, something happens. 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:47.599 In your mind you weren't upset, but the moment you got labelled as it, all of a sudden you become increasingly upset until now you actually are. 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:50.479 Well this trend followed me into my marriage too. 00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:55.120 I was normally good until Julia would say, I can see you're upset in your eyes. 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:58.800 Like how the fuck do you respond to that, I would think. 00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.639 I am now bloody labelled by you, and now I am stuck. 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.680 Now let's bring it full circle to how I started this email. 00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:12.560 The biggest test to my ability at being a better husband came on a random Thursday evening, and my pregnant wife had absolutely no idea. 00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:21.680 You see, my wife this evening, I'm pre-writing this on a Thursday evening, haha, said to me, I feel like you don't like it when we have these kinds of conversations. 00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.800 She also had an energy about her which felt familiar. 00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:30.960 You know, like everything is on track and all of a sudden the train might derail into a fight about something completely different. 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:36.159 Old Alessandra would have had his miscategorization, wound firing. 00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:39.360 Don't tell me what I don't like, he might have protested. 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:43.520 But something has changed in me since starting this process of becoming a better husband. 00:03:43.759 --> 00:03:49.280 Number one, I realize that mastery over my own emotions is actually my responsibility. 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:55.360 Number two, if somebody misunderstands me, I no longer see it as my job to convince them otherwise. 00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:56.960 I know myself. 00:03:57.199 --> 00:03:59.199 If they are right, I own it. 00:03:59.360 --> 00:04:01.680 If they're wrong, I move on. 00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:12.879 Plus when she says she feels something, that is her experience, and not something I have any right to even get upset over, as it is true to her. 00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:15.199 So what was the biggest challenge for me? 00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:17.920 Well this evening I felt annoyance of being misunderstood. 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:24.879 I felt the pang of being miscategorized when that happened, but I breathed and I just continued the conversation to its point. 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:28.560 I brought the train back onto the tracks. 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:37.439 You see, if we get stuck nitpicking how the other person talks rather than simply moving on, it shows we truly were not fully calm. 00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:41.360 The only way to be calm is to actually be calm. 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.879 If somebody tells me I'm upset, I know myself better now. 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:49.920 This is especially beneficial if you're the one constantly being told you are to this or to that. 00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:51.279 Listen for the truth. 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:54.160 If they're right, own it and move on. 00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:56.240 If they're wrong, move on. 00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:58.959 The biggest challenge, move on. 00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.199 Have the conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation. 00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:10.240 Because the moment you start arguing about tone, wording, labels, and who said what, you've left the original problem behind. 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:14.879 And that's usually the moment two adults become two children trying to win. 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:22.160 Sometimes your wife will accidentally make the conversation about the way you have the conversation, rather than the fucking conversation. 00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:26.079 But pointing that out is not the win that you think it is. 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:27.360 Does that make sense? 00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:29.040 Sending love to you all. 00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:29.680 P.S. 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:31.759 This lesson took me way too long to learn. 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:32.720 PPS. 00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.839 I'm receiving so many heartwarming email replies, thank you. 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:40.959 I know I don't respond to them all, but I read them and I'm very thankful that this shit is helping. 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:43.279 The way we have conversations is very important. 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.240 However, how the fuck ever? 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:52.879 If we're getting caught in loops of you're doing this and your tone is this and blah, blah, blah, we're missing actual points. 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.399 We're missing actual points. 00:05:54.480 --> 00:06:01.600 And yes, you know, we want a wife that that that speaks to us kindly, and yes, we want a husband that speaks to a wife kindly. 00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:02.079 Okay? 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.600 That's that's stuff that we want and we want to build towards. 00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:10.959 But we also need to grow the skill of going, is there something true behind what's being said? 00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:26.879 And a really good skill is if a if somebody does ask you, right, or does say to you, if your wife, let's say, says to you, you know, I don't like the way you're speaking with that, you can look for the moments and you can go, yeah, but this happens with you, and you can start comparing. 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:27.600 You can do that. 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:28.800 But it's not efficient. 00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:33.360 The only efficient thing to do is to look at yourself and to go, is there truth in this? 00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.759 And if there's truth in it, notice it, own it, and move on. 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:43.519 And by moving on, I don't mean just like throw it into the backpack of your shadow in the back and never look at it again. 00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:45.519 Ask yourself, why does it piss me off? 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:48.319 Because if there's truth to it, there is something that is pissing you off. 00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:50.480 And it might not be the miscategorization. 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.879 The miscategorization might just be you trying to deflect the fact that, you know what? 00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:57.680 I actually get annoyed that I don't speak my truth. 00:06:57.920 --> 00:06:58.560 You know what? 00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:02.560 I actually get annoyed that I feel that it's not fair. 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.120 I actually get annoyed, blah, blah, blah. 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:11.519 Look for the actual truth and then have the actual conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation. 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:14.800 And then you make up excuses which aren't actually the conversation. 00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.319 Have the actual conversation. 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:16.800 All right. 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:18.319 Hope you enjoyed this one. 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.680 This is from my better husband in two minute emails. 00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:27.279 If you want to join my better husband in two minute emails, I make sure that my podcast guy puts the link just below. 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:28.560 All right, I'll see you for the next one. 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:29.279 That's the episode. 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:30.480 That's all I got for you today. 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.879 Just want you to remember you're not alone in this. 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:41.040 Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore. 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:41.920 And I love that. 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.439 Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails. 00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:46.399 Let's build this together. 00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:47.519 I'll see you next week.