Full Transcript for “Connection/Chemistry Does Not Equal Trust!”

-Bibbidi 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:30.120 -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:30.500 -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi 00:04:30.500 --> 00:04:30.819 -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi 00:04:30.819 --> 00:04:34.459 -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi 00:04:34.459 --> 00:04:48.730 -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibbidi -Bibb Conversation 00:04:48.730 --> 00:04:52.310 is supposed to be an exchange of ideas. If you've 00:04:52.310 --> 00:04:55.810 been speaking for 28 consecutive minutes and 00:04:55.810 --> 00:04:58.970 the other person has contributed, uh huh, right. 00:04:59.550 --> 00:05:03.810 Oh, wow. And really, you're not having a conversation. 00:05:04.370 --> 00:05:06.750 You're hosting a podcast they didn't subscribe 00:05:06.750 --> 00:05:09.990 to. And I'm saying that as someone who hosts 00:05:09.990 --> 00:05:13.889 a podcast. Here's another type I steer clear 00:05:13.889 --> 00:05:17.279 of. People who have all the answers, that is 00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:21.439 not my type of person. You know them. It doesn't 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:24.180 matter what the subject is. Politics, they know. 00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:28.839 Relationships, they know. Medicine, apparently 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.939 they went to medical school overnight. The economy, 00:05:32.360 --> 00:05:35.439 don't worry, they've got it. Quantum physics, 00:05:35.540 --> 00:05:37.959 give them five minutes. They'll explain that 00:05:37.959 --> 00:05:40.720 too. I actually think one of the most interesting 00:05:40.720 --> 00:05:44.509 things a person can say is, I don't know. Or 00:05:44.509 --> 00:05:47.129 I've never thought about that. What do you think? 00:05:47.470 --> 00:05:50.149 Because none of us knows everything. In fact, 00:05:50.170 --> 00:05:52.629 there's a whole universe of things we don't even 00:05:52.629 --> 00:05:56.250 know that we don't know. So when somebody walks 00:05:56.250 --> 00:05:59.170 into a conversation already convinced that they 00:05:59.170 --> 00:06:01.850 have all the answers, I'm usually looking for 00:06:01.850 --> 00:06:05.170 the cardboard cut out again. Curiosity is interesting 00:06:05.170 --> 00:06:09.029 to me. Certainty? Not always. Here's something 00:06:09.029 --> 00:06:12.189 else I realized. I like people who take an interest 00:06:12.189 --> 00:06:14.920 in me. Who wouldn't? I have a few friends who 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:17.800 ask me pretty deep questions and I like deep. 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:20.920 I could talk to those few people all day because 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:23.459 they're curious. They'll ask something and I'll 00:06:23.459 --> 00:06:26.439 think, oh, that's a good question. And then we're 00:06:26.439 --> 00:06:28.939 off and think about how different that is from 00:06:28.939 --> 00:06:31.459 the questions we probably ask people more than 00:06:31.459 --> 00:06:34.819 any other. How are you? How many times do we 00:06:34.819 --> 00:06:38.439 say

that? How are you really? And does anybody 00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:42.379 ever really expect an answer? No. How are you? 00:06:42.540 --> 00:06:46.259 Good. You? Good. Wonderful. We've learned absolutely 00:06:46.259 --> 00:06:49.439 nothing. But then you occasionally get the person 00:06:49.439 --> 00:06:51.939 who doesn't realize, how are you is basically 00:06:51.939 --> 00:06:55.399 a hello. You say, how are you? And they go, well, 00:06:56.120 --> 00:07:00.899 it all started in 1992. Oh God, I can't. I was 00:07:00.899 --> 00:07:04.180 just being polite. I wasn't requesting an authorized 00:07:04.180 --> 00:07:07.379 biography, but seriously, there's a middle ground. 00:07:07.899 --> 00:07:10.600 Instead of automatically asking, how are you? 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:13.660 Ask. How did that thing go that you were telling 00:07:13.660 --> 00:07:16.959 me about? Did you ever finish that project? How's 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:20.180 your mother? What happened at that meeting? Those 00:07:20.180 --> 00:07:22.620 questions communicate something entirely different. 00:07:23.160 --> 00:07:26.779 They say, I remember. I remember what you told 00:07:26.779 --> 00:07:30.680 me. I know somebody like that and I love that 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:34.519 they remember. They were listening and they cared 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:38.300 enough to ask. And again, that's connection. 00:07:39.500 --> 00:07:42.779 And then we have the people who listen to answer. 00:07:43.319 --> 00:07:45.939 Oh God, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:47.860 You're speaking, but they're not really listening 00:07:47.860 --> 00:07:50.120 to understand what you're saying. They're preparing 00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:53.000 their response. You can almost see it. Their 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:55.540 mouth is practically twitching. They're waiting. 00:07:56.100 --> 00:07:59.160 They're waiting. Go. And now it's their turn. 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:01.839 But wait a second. Did you actually hear what 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.560 I said? Because listening is not simply remaining 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.290 silent. until it's your turn to make noise again. 00:08:09.689 --> 00:08:14.449 Real listening takes curiosity. Interest. Sometimes 00:08:14.449 --> 00:08:16.449 somebody says something and you don't immediately 00:08:16.449 --> 00:08:20.290 know what to say. That's okay. Maybe ask another 00:08:20.290 --> 00:08:23.709 question. Maybe say, what do you mean by that? 00:08:24.149 --> 00:08:27.009 Maybe try to understand them before a humming 00:08:27.009 --> 00:08:31.449 them or explaining yourself. Imagine that. I've 00:08:31.449 --> 00:08:34.129 actually been voted the most genuine. And being 00:08:34.129 --> 00:08:36.330 genuine has been a gift in my life, it really 00:08:36.330 --> 00:08:39.629 has. It's also been a challenge sometimes. Because 00:08:39.629 --> 00:08:42.210 I think genuine people can occasionally intimidate 00:08:42.210 --> 00:08:45.370 people. And I can smell phony people for miles, 00:08:46.070 --> 00:08:49.210 miles. Now does that mean my radar has never 00:08:49.210 --> 00:08:52.590 been wrong? Of course not. Nobody's radar is 00:08:52.590 --> 00:08:55.730 perfect. But authenticity matters enormously 00:08:55.730 --> 00:08:59.009 to me. I'd almost rather somebody show me something 00:08:59.009 --> 00:09:02.610 about themselves that I don't like. than spend 00:09:02.610 --> 00:09:05.129 six months pretending to be someone they're not. 00:09:06.509 --> 00:09:08.750 I recently had someone show me their true colors, 00:09:08.850 --> 00:09:11.210 and let me tell you, they weren't pretty. It 00:09:11.210 --> 00:09:15.070 was really off -putting. But strangely, I was 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:18.669 also glad, because at least it was honest. Now 00:09:18.669 --> 00:09:22.049 I know. There's something very valuable about 00:09:22.049 --> 00:09:24.769 knowing what you're dealing with. And while we're 00:09:24.769 --> 00:09:27.490 talking about people, can we discuss the quiet 00:09:27.490 --> 00:09:30.629 ones? Because quiet people are so often assumed 00:09:30.629 --> 00:09:33.889 to be incredibly intelligent. Somebody sits quietly 00:09:33.889 --> 00:09:36.970 in the corner and everyone thinks, wow, deep 00:09:36.970 --> 00:09:41.070 thinker. Maybe they're brilliant. Maybe they're 00:09:41.070 --> 00:09:44.110 observing everything. Or maybe they have absolutely 00:09:44.110 --> 00:09:48.549 nothing to say. We just don't know. Quiet doesn't 00:09:48.549 --> 00:09:51.850 automatically equal deep. Any more than talking 00:09:51.850 --> 00:09:54.450 automatically makes someone interesting. It is 00:09:54.450 --> 00:09:57.710 what somebody eventually shows you. that matters. 00:09:58.070 --> 00:10:00.289 And sometimes the quiet person eventually speaks 00:10:00.289 --> 00:10:03.830 and you think, huh, I liked you better 20 seconds 00:10:03.830 --> 00:10:07.809 ago. Now let's get into one I really can't stand. 00:10:08.490 --> 00:10:11.950 Consistent gossippers. Notice I said consistent 00:10:11.950 --> 00:10:14.769 because everybody talks about other people. I 00:10:14.769 --> 00:10:19.250 do. You do. We're human beings. And I love talking 00:10:19.250 --> 00:10:22.929 about people. Human behavior fascinates me. It's 00:10:22.929 --> 00:10:25.009 one of the reasons why I started this podcast. 00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:27.720 But there is a difference between talking about 00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:30.779 people and somebody giving you the nightly news 00:10:30.779 --> 00:10:33.399 report on the private lives of everybody you 00:10:33.399 --> 00:10:36.659 know. You know that person? You talk to them 00:10:36.659 --> 00:10:39.639 and in 40 minutes you know who is getting divorced, 00:10:40.220 --> 00:10:43.899 who got fired, who is sleeping with whom, who 00:10:43.899 --> 00:10:46.580 isn't speaking to their sister, who spent too 00:10:46.580 --> 00:10:49.639 much money, who gained weight, who lost

weight. 00:10:49.789 --> 00:10:52.330 Who said what about whom? And apparently they've 00:10:52.330 --> 00:10:55.350 been appointed Director of Communications for 00:10:55.350 --> 00:10:58.370 everybody else's business. And here's a little 00:10:58.370 --> 00:11:01.750 clue. If someone routinely brings you everybody 00:11:01.750 --> 00:11:05.429 else's private business, your business probably 00:11:05.429 --> 00:11:08.629 isn't sitting in a vault. Please don't fall into 00:11:08.629 --> 00:11:11.389 the trap of thinking, well, I'm special. They 00:11:11.389 --> 00:11:15.190 wouldn't do that to me. Oh, yes, think again. 00:11:15.529 --> 00:11:18.799 You are so wrong. If someone consistently tells 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:22.580 you everyone else's stories, why would you ever 00:11:22.580 --> 00:11:26.419 assume yours is somehow protected by federal 00:11:26.419 --> 00:11:29.360 law? And this is why I prefer something else. 00:11:29.799 --> 00:11:32.100 If somebody says something I really don't like 00:11:32.100 --> 00:11:34.679 or something I wholeheartedly disagree with, 00:11:35.019 --> 00:11:39.139 I would much rather tell them face to face. There's 00:11:39.139 --> 00:11:42.340 an expression. Sicilians will always tell you 00:11:42.340 --> 00:11:45.330 when your face is dirty. That's kind of how I 00:11:45.330 --> 00:11:48.669 operate. If I have a problem with you, I'd rather 00:11:48.669 --> 00:11:53.110 have the conversation with you than have 15 conversations 00:11:53.110 --> 00:11:56.330 about you. And am I honest every single second 00:11:56.330 --> 00:11:59.850 of every day? No. But I'm honest most of the 00:11:59.850 --> 00:12:03.590 time. If I care enough. And at least I'm honest 00:12:03.590 --> 00:12:06.129 about that. Now let's talk about the opposite 00:12:06.129 --> 00:12:09.669 of people who don't tell you anything. Overshares. 00:12:09.980 --> 00:12:12.539 This one is interesting because oversharing can 00:12:12.539 --> 00:12:15.340 make me uncomfortable, but it can also be kind 00:12:15.340 --> 00:12:18.039 of attractive. Because there's something refreshing 00:12:18.039 --> 00:12:21.600 about somebody saying, here I am. This is me. 00:12:22.059 --> 00:12:24.080 I've reached a point in my life where I care 00:12:24.080 --> 00:12:27.240 so little, I care so little about what people 00:12:27.240 --> 00:12:30.019 think of me that I'm sure I've overshared before. 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:33.840 Of course I have, but not regularly. And obviously, 00:12:34.100 --> 00:12:36.940 if two people are super tight, that's different. 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:39.860 Then tell me everything. But when somebody you've 00:12:39.860 --> 00:12:42.960 barely met gives you a deeply personal piece 00:12:42.960 --> 00:12:45.960 of information, sometimes I actually find that 00:12:45.960 --> 00:12:49.100 interesting. Maybe they're testing you. Maybe 00:12:49.100 --> 00:12:51.620 they're saying, can I trust you with this? That's 00:12:51.620 --> 00:12:54.299 vulnerability. But if it's happening every 11 00:12:54.299 --> 00:12:58.740 minutes, whoa, run. Because if every conversation 00:12:58.740 --> 00:13:02.639 becomes another crisis, another confession, another 00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:06.399 disaster, another intensely personal revelation, 00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:10.240 you start thinking, Can we talk about a movie? 00:13:10.980 --> 00:13:15.419 Anything simple? Do you like pizza? Deep is attractive 00:13:15.419 --> 00:13:18.419 to me. Constant drama is not the same thing as 00:13:18.419 --> 00:13:21.840 depth. There's a difference. And speaking of 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:26.500 attractive, humor is a major factor for me. It 00:13:26.500 --> 00:13:29.440 doesn't necessarily go along with deep. You can 00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:31.659 have deep people who aren't particularly funny. 00:13:32.179 --> 00:13:34.899 You can have hilarious people who aren't particularly 00:13:34.899 --> 00:13:38.610 deep. But give me somebody who's deep and humorous. 00:13:39.049 --> 00:13:42.330 Now you've got me talking for hours. That's my 00:13:42.330 --> 00:13:45.490 combination. Some people immediately get my humor, 00:13:45.950 --> 00:13:49.230 other people don't. That's okay. Once I point 00:13:49.230 --> 00:13:52.309 out that I'm joking, they laugh. And the people 00:13:52.309 --> 00:13:54.929 who really get my humor, I have literally made 00:13:54.929 --> 00:13:58.789 people, well, pee. I'm not exaggerating. Now 00:13:58.789 --> 00:14:01.710 that's connection. When you say something completely 00:14:01.710 --> 00:14:04.309 ridiculous, somebody catches it immediately. 00:14:04.570 --> 00:14:06.570 and you don't even have to explain yourself, 00:14:06.950 --> 00:14:09.470 there's something wonderful about that. It's 00:14:09.470 --> 00:14:13.610 almost its own language. Oh, you get me. And 00:14:13.610 --> 00:14:15.889 those are usually the people I can talk to forever. 00:14:16.629 --> 00:14:19.149 Here's one where I have to admit that I changed. 00:14:19.470 --> 00:14:21.830 I used to get annoyed by consistently positive 00:14:21.830 --> 00:14:25.809 people. Can you imagine? I remember telling my 00:14:25.809 --> 00:14:28.970 friend John that he was unrealistically optimistic. 00:14:29.450 --> 00:14:32.269 That was my criticism. And I went on and on. 00:14:32.590 --> 00:14:35.419 He was too optimistic. What a terrible problem 00:14:35.419 --> 00:14:38.700 to have. But here's the funny thing. I've become 00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:42.980 much more like him. And now I enjoy it. It feels 00:14:42.980 --> 00:14:45.980 better. There are no qualms with that one anymore. 00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:49.220 And I think that's worth remembering. Sometimes 00:14:49.220 --> 00:14:52.039 the quality we find irritating in somebody else 00:14:52.039 --> 00:14:55.399 isn't necessarily a bad quality. Maybe we're 00:14:55.399 --> 00:14:58.919 just not receptive to it at that particular point 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:01.580 in our lives. Maybe it's

something we want for 00:15:01.580 --> 00:15:04.570 ourselves. John didn't necessarily need to become 00:15:04.570 --> 00:15:07.769 less optimistic. Maybe Andrea needs to become 00:15:07.769 --> 00:15:11.029 a little bit more optimistic. There, I said it. 00:15:11.350 --> 00:15:13.049 John, if you're listening, don't get carried 00:15:13.049 --> 00:15:15.490 away. Okay, we've reached one of my favorites, 00:15:15.769 --> 00:15:19.830 the story hijacker. You know this person. Sometimes 00:15:19.830 --> 00:15:22.090 you're trying to make an important point so you 00:15:22.090 --> 00:15:24.690 share something personal. Maybe you're even being 00:15:24.690 --> 00:15:28.470 vulnerable. And suddenly, they covet your story 00:15:28.470 --> 00:15:32.500 every time. You say, My mother got mugged on 00:15:32.500 --> 00:15:36.059 Mulberry Street and they say, oh my God, my mother 00:15:36.059 --> 00:15:38.539 was right around Mulberry Street and the same 00:15:38.539 --> 00:15:42.639 thing happened. Really? Your mother too? Mulberry 00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:47.759 Street? Same thing? What are the odds? LMFAO. 00:15:47.980 --> 00:15:50.419 And now I'm sitting there thinking, is this person 00:15:50.419 --> 00:15:53.879 for real? Because yes, relating through our own 00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:56.399 experiences is normal. If you tell me something 00:15:56.399 --> 00:15:58.220 happened to you and something similar happened 00:15:58.220 --> 00:16:00.929 to me, of course I might tell you about it. That's 00:16:00.929 --> 00:16:04.090 human connection. But every time, every story 00:16:04.090 --> 00:16:07.070 I have, you have one too. Every experience I've 00:16:07.070 --> 00:16:09.629 had, you've had a bigger one. Every person I've 00:16:09.629 --> 00:16:12.690 met, you've met somebody better. Eventually I'm 00:16:12.690 --> 00:16:15.370 not listening to your story anymore. I'm conducting 00:16:15.370 --> 00:16:18.149 an internal investigation. And there's something 00:16:18.149 --> 00:16:21.730 genuinely painful about story hijacking when 00:16:21.730 --> 00:16:24.649 you've shared something personal. Because everybody 00:16:24.649 --> 00:16:27.129 wants to bring some degree of originality to 00:16:27.129 --> 00:16:29.940 the table. You're giving someone a little piece 00:16:29.940 --> 00:16:32.620 of your world. And instead of stepping into your 00:16:32.620 --> 00:16:35.220 world for a minute, they grab the microphone 00:16:35.220 --> 00:16:38.440 and drag everybody back into theirs. Sometimes 00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:41.379 just let somebody have their story. You don't 00:16:41.379 --> 00:16:44.460 always need one too. Now, before this becomes 00:16:44.460 --> 00:16:46.779 Andrea's complete guide to everyone who annoys 00:16:46.779 --> 00:16:50.740 her, let's put me back on trial. Because believe 00:16:50.740 --> 00:16:54.450 me, I have my stuff too. I'm a jokester and I've 00:16:54.450 --> 00:16:56.950 definitely been known to say the wrong thing 00:16:56.950 -->

00:16:59.830 at the wrong time. Somebody can be talking about 00:16:59.830 --> 00:17:02.429 something very serious and I'll make a joke. 00:17:03.009 --> 00:17:06.710 Guilty. I've been castrated. I've been destroyed 00:17:06.710 --> 00:17:10.910 over it in the past and sometimes deservedly 00:17:10.910 --> 00:17:14.410 so because yes, I can see how that could be annoying. 00:17:14.809 --> 00:17:18.769 Look at me. I'm objective. Sometimes humor is 00:17:18.769 --> 00:17:22.170 wonderful. Sometimes humor saves us. Sometimes 00:17:22.170 --> 00:17:25.769 it breaks tension. Sometimes somebody is telling 00:17:25.769 --> 00:17:29.170 you something deeply serious and the last thing 00:17:29.170 --> 00:17:32.950 they need is Andrea doing a tight five. You live 00:17:32.950 --> 00:17:35.890 and learn. You read the room. And when you don't 00:17:35.890 --> 00:17:38.730 read the room correctly, well, sometimes you 00:17:38.730 --> 00:17:41.730 apologize. And sometimes you make another joke. 00:17:42.609 --> 00:17:44.430 Here's something that doesn't bother me at all. 00:17:44.789 --> 00:17:47.609 Silence. I have absolutely no issue with it. 00:17:47.829 --> 00:17:50.640 If I'm on a trip with a few people, and we're 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:53.420 driving and suddenly everybody gets quiet, we'll 00:17:53.420 --> 00:17:56.259 notice it. Maybe someone comments on it, but 00:17:56.259 --> 00:17:59.460 it's not weird. And I remember a family holiday 00:17:59.460 --> 00:18:01.579 dinner. I think it was last Christmas Eve. We 00:18:01.579 --> 00:18:04.920 were at my mom's and my stepdad's house. And 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:07.559 through the entire dinner, I'm talking all the 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:10.160 courses. Nobody was talking. It was the most 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.839 bizarre thing. Every few minutes somebody would 00:18:12.839 --> 00:18:15.599 interject just to laugh about the fact that no 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:19.119 one was talking. Why? because the food was so 00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:21.019 good. Maybe you were going to say, I thought 00:18:21.019 --> 00:18:24.319 it was bad. The food was so good. People were 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:27.759 practically scoffing down their plates. We had 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:30.819 the seven fishes, scallops, dipped in breadcrumbs, 00:18:31.099 --> 00:18:34.059 fresh menagothi, penne, every possible side dish 00:18:34.059 --> 00:18:37.740 you can think of, dessert. Nobody had time for 00:18:37.740 --> 00:18:41.160 conversation. We weren't fighting. Nobody was 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:44.019 uncomfortable. Nobody had anything against anyone. 00:18:44.339 --> 00:18:47.500 We were eating. And I think comfortable silence 00:18:47.500 --> 00:18:49.980 actually says something about connection. You 00:18:49.980 --> 00:18:52.440 don't always have to perform. You don't have 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:55.720 to fill every second. If I can sit next to you 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:58.799 and neither one of us has to manufacture conversation 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:01.980 just to prove we're comfortable, that's pretty 00:19:01.980 --> 00:19:05.440 comfortable. I love that. And this brings me 00:19:05.440 --> 00:19:08.200 to something important. You can have an amazing 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:10.900 connection with somebody and still not know whether 00:19:10.900 --> 00:19:14.119 or not you can trust them. Those are two completely 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:18.329 different things. Somebody can be funny, interesting, 00:19:19.269 --> 00:19:25.369 deep, charming, curious, great company. You can 00:19:25.369 --> 00:19:28.289 talk with them for six hours. And guess what? 00:19:28.630 --> 00:19:31.450 You still don't know. When someone asks me how 00:19:31.450 --> 00:19:34.289 I know whether I can trust a person, my answer 00:19:34.289 --> 00:19:38.109 always is, you never really know at first. You 00:19:38.109 --> 00:19:40.269 go with your instinct. You have to go with your 00:19:40.269 --> 00:19:42.930 gut. And then hopefully you turn out to be right. 00:19:43.069 --> 00:19:46.410 Because the only true barometer for trust is 00:19:46.410 --> 00:19:50.549 time. Time. That's it. You can have instincts. 00:19:50.710 --> 00:19:54.349 You can read people. You can watch. You can listen. 00:19:54.890 --> 00:19:58.950 And most people listen the most or the best when 00:19:58.950 --> 00:20:01.910 they don't speak that frequently. But time eventually 00:20:01.910 --> 00:20:04.210 shows you things that a great first impression 00:20:04.210 --> 00:20:07.329 can't. Does the person keep your confidence? 00:20:07.930 --> 00:20:11.819 Do they show up? Are they consistent? Are they 00:20:11.819 --> 00:20:14.880 the same person around different people? What 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:17.519 happens when they're angry? What happens when 00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:20.619 you disagree with them? What happens when you 00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:23.339 have something they want? What happens when you 00:20:23.339 --> 00:20:26.220 don't? What happens when life isn't going their 00:20:26.220 --> 00:20:29.799 way? That's when you learn. Chemistry can happen 00:20:29.799 --> 00:20:33.859 in 10 minutes. Trust cannot. So after thinking 00:20:33.859 --> 00:20:36.039 about all of this, I don't think connection comes 00:20:36.039 --> 00:20:39.670 down to having the exact same interests. I don't 00:20:39.670 --> 00:20:42.250 even think you have to agree on everything. For 00:20:42.250 --> 00:20:45.009 me, it's something more like this. Be interested 00:20:45.009 --> 00:20:48.410 and be interesting. Have something to say, but 00:20:48.410 --> 00:20:51.930 let me say something too. Ask questions, real 00:20:51.930 --> 00:20:55.549 ones. Listen to the answer. Don't pretend you 00:20:55.549 --> 00:20:58.930 know everything. Make me laugh. Go deep once 00:20:58.930 --> 00:21:02.450 in a while. Don't go deep every 11 minutes. Be 00:21:02.450 --> 00:21:05.009 genuine. If you're going to tell me everybody 00:21:05.009 --> 00:21:08.089 else's business, understand that I'm probably 00:21:08.089 --> 00:21:12.009 not giving you mine and let me have my story 00:21:12.009 --> 00:21:14.569 without immediately stealing it. And if we have 00:21:14.569 --> 00:21:17.130 nothing to say, for God's sakes, we can just 00:21:17.130 --> 00:21:19.990 eat dinner. Maybe the people we connect with 00:21:19.990 --> 00:21:22.349 most aren't necessarily the smartest people in 00:21:22.349 --> 00:21:25.829 the room or the funniest or the most successful 00:21:25.829 --> 00:21:29.589 or the loudest or the quietest. Maybe they're 00:21:29.589 --> 00:21:32.480 simply the people around who we feel like we 00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:35.559 can be ourselves with. We can talk. We can listen. 00:21:35.940 --> 00:21:39.460 We can disagree. We can laugh and laugh it off. 00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:42.720 We can say something stupid. We can occasionally 00:21:42.720 --> 00:21:46.559 say the wrong thing. We can go deep. We can be 00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:49.700 ridiculous. And sometimes we can just shut the 00:21:49.700 --> 00:21:53.299 hell up and eat. I keep saying this a lot lately 00:21:53.299 --> 00:21:56.400 and it's very true. We are all in our own way 00:21:56.400 --> 00:22:00.170 completely full of shit. Me included. I've never 00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:02.269 really flocked towards people who are too tight 00:22:02.269 --> 00:22:05.490 around the edges, too stuffy. It's just not my 00:22:05.490 --> 00:22:07.930 style. It wasn't how I was raised. But you know 00:22:07.930 --> 00:22:11.190 what? I can respect it. Maybe Buffy has something 00:22:11.190 --> 00:22:14.349 useful to say. Who really knows? And that's part 00:22:14.349 --> 00:22:16.809 of the point. Maybe the person you initially 00:22:16.809 --> 00:22:20.089 think isn't your type has something that's really 00:22:20.089 --> 00:22:23.509 important to teach you. Maybe somebody you initially 00:22:23.509 --> 00:22:26.009 find annoying. eventually becomes one of your 00:22:26.009 --> 00:22:27.990 favorite people. You know, you've said that before. 00:22:27.990 --> 00:22:30.569 Oh, I thought you were a bitch and you guys become 00:22:30.569 --> 00:22:33.490 best friends. It happened to me with optimism 00:22:33.490 --> 00:22:35.910 and maybe somebody you instantly connect with 00:22:35.910 --> 00:22:39.069 turns out over time not to be somebody you can 00:22:39.069 --> 00:22:42.430 trust because connection is funny that way. Connection 00:22:42.430 --> 00:22:45.950 can happen instantly or not at all. Trust takes 00:22:45.950 --> 00:22:48.829 time and the best conversations are not about 00:22:48.829 --> 00:22:51.269 impressing somebody. They're about discovering 00:22:51.269 --> 00:22:54.349 each other. So tell me who you are. Actually, 00:22:54.609 --> 00:22:57.930 don't tell me. Show me. And I'll do the same. 00:22:58.809 --> 00:23:01.809 This is Social Magnet. Thanks for tuning in.