Full Transcript for Co-regulation: Why Speaking Calmly Can Make Things Worse

where we need to think about what co-regulation actually involves. 00:05:31.189 --> 00:05:46.949 It's the support we give to a student through our relationship with them, through our responses, what we say and what we do, and how we say and how we do those things, because there's information in how we do things and how we say things, not just what we say and do. 00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:51.589 And the environment we've set up to help a pupil manage their emotional state. 00:05:51.750 --> 00:06:01.750 So we might reassure them or reduce demands on them or help them make sense of a feeling or give them some space to think things through. 00:06:01.990 --> 00:06:04.550 Over time, we also do that. 00:06:04.709 --> 00:06:11.269 We help them co-regulate and help them learn their own regulation skills by helping them develop skills that they can use themselves. 00:06:11.350 --> 00:06:18.310 It's more than standing beside a student who's distressed and speaking softly until that distress kind of melts away. 00:06:18.469 --> 00:06:21.670 Now, being regulated yourself obviously matters. 00:06:21.750 --> 00:06:22.389 Of course it does. 00:06:22.469 --> 00:06:34.069 If you're getting drawn into a heated argument and then you become louder or more threatening, or you start taking the student's behavior personally, that makes helping them much harder on your part. 00:06:34.310 --> 00:06:39.750 But being regulated is different from being expressionless. 00:06:39.909 --> 00:06:42.790 You can model regulation and still sound concerned. 00:06:42.870 --> 00:06:49.589 You can still have some energy in your voice and still be making thoughtful decisions about what you're going to say next. 00:06:49.829 --> 00:06:57.029 The question is what that energy tells the child and where you take the interaction step by step. 00:06:57.189 --> 00:07:01.509 Think about telling someone about an event in your life that's really upset you. 00:07:01.670 --> 00:07:04.389 Maybe you've been treated unfairly at work. 00:07:04.629 --> 00:07:12.230 So you tell the person that you're with, and they respond in that perfectly polished customer service voice: I understand your frustration. 00:07:12.389 --> 00:07:15.350 If they did that, would you feel understood? 00:07:15.589 --> 00:07:19.670 Or do you feel like you've basically been put on hold by a colleague? 00:07:19.909 --> 00:07:34.069 You might start explaining the situation again and adding more detail, and you might get a bit more animated and louder to sort of express your frustration so that they get it, because their response has shown you that they don't get it. 00:07:34.230 --> 00:07:43.589 And what you want is when you're sort of angered or frustrated, you want to see that the person that you're speaking to is on your side. 00:07:43.750 --> 00:07:52.389 And when you're sitting there and their emotions are staying fairly static, what you're thinking is this person doesn't get me or they don't get my problem. 00:07:52.790 --> 00:07:58.469 So people can experience our beautiful calm delivery in class in a similar way. 00:07:58.790 --> 00:08:10.709 We might feel enormous empathy on the inside for what's happened to them, but if our words and our face and our tone don't communicate it, the child might misread our intentions. 00:08:11.029 --> 00:08:15.430 And okay, a quiet voice will be exactly what some pupils need. 00:08:15.509 --> 00:08:18.469 I'm not arguing against quiet voices. 00:08:18.709 --> 00:08:28.469 I am questioning the idea that there's one special calming voice that we should all put on, regardless of the child or the situation, because all kids are different. 00:08:28.709 --> 00:08:30.149 So let's go back to Amma here. 00:08:30.469 --> 00:08:36.710 This time his teacher says with some genuine concern and expression, you thought you'd scored, and then they said it didn't count. 00:08:36.870 --> 00:08:38.550 That really upset you, didn't it? 00:08:38.790 --> 00:08:42.070 There's a bit more life in that delivery. 00:08:42.230 --> 00:08:45.750 You're showing him that what you've heard matters, it's important. 00:08:45.909 --> 00:08:50.070 You haven't said or agreed that the other children cheated. 00:08:50.230 --> 00:08:53.509 What you've done is you've injected some intensity in your tone. 00:08:53.670 --> 00:08:59.830 You haven't promised him a VAR replay, though, let's be honest, the outcome of that would probably make everyone angrier. 00:09:00.070 --> 00:09:09.110 What you're doing is through your tone and your words, when they're married together, acknowledging his experience without judging what's happened. 00:09:09.269 --> 00:09:16.870 And for Amya, that intensity might be the way I did it there, injecting some of his frustration into my delivery. 00:09:17.029 --> 00:09:18.710 That really upset you, didn't it? 00:09:18.870 --> 00:09:21.350 I'm not copying the way he spoke. 00:09:21.509 --> 00:09:23.189 I'm not shouting like he did. 00:09:23.350 --> 00:09:31.110 What I'm doing is I'm doing some mirroring at an increased intensity for me, but not at the same intensity as him. 00:09:31.269 --> 00:09:33.269 So I'm not saying if the kids shout, we shout. 00:09:33.429 --> 00:09:38.789 Or in some cases, Amir might respond better to a more sympathetic tone. 00:09:39.029 --> 00:09:40.870 That really upset you, didn't it? 00:09:41.029 --> 00:09:43.269 Both would convey emotional understanding. 00:09:43.429 --> 00:09:46.950 Both have a kind of intensity to them, but a different intensity. 00:09:47.189 --> 00:09:54.070 And the one that I would choose would depend on the child because kids are all different and they respond to different things like all human beings. 00:09:54.230 --> 00:10:02.230 And then after we've had that moment of recognition through our tone and through our body language, what we do is we pause. 00:10:02.309 --> 00:10:14.710 And pausing for teachers can feel really uncomfortable, especially when you're conscious of the clock, because

teachers, if a child says nothing, we're used to jumping in and prompting them with questions or nudging them towards an answer. 00:10:14.870 --> 00:10:16.470 But in this case, don't do that. 00:10:16.549 --> 00:10:19.590 We give Amir a moment just to digest what we've said. 00:10:19.830 --> 00:10:25.029 We don't want to follow it immediately with a breathing strategy or a calming strategy. 00:10:25.110 --> 00:10:30.149 We don't want to jump in and say, now breathe, now sit down, now explain it properly. 00:10:30.389 --> 00:10:35.909 Otherwise, that bit of connection you've done, it just rings a little untruth. 00:10:36.070 --> 00:10:37.110 It sounds a bit false. 00:10:37.350 --> 00:10:41.590 Like we're following a set of instructions on a policy for how to regulate someone. 00:10:41.750 --> 00:10:44.070 It kind of extracts the humanity from it a bit. 00:10:44.230 --> 00:10:47.269 We don't want it to sound like, oh, we've done the empathy bit of the conversation. 00:10:47.429 --> 00:10:49.750 Now it's time to move on to the instructions and strategies. 00:10:49.909 --> 00:10:53.350 So suppose that mayor then says, they always do it to me. 00:10:53.509 --> 00:10:57.110 You might then respond, yeah, you feel like you're being left out all the time. 00:10:57.269 --> 00:11:01.350 You're checking your understanding on an emotional level. 00:11:01.509 --> 00:11:03.110 Now he might then correct you. 00:11:03.189 --> 00:11:05.269 And if he does, that's useful information too. 00:11:05.429 --> 00:11:07.669 You can use that to move the conversation forward. 00:11:07.830 --> 00:11:19.189 And as he becomes more able to engage, what you do is you slow your pace and then you lower the intensity in your voice, bringing his emotions down with you. 00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:22.950 And then you offer a small next step, like, look, we can work out what happened. 00:11:23.110 --> 00:11:27.029 Let's stand over here for a moment, away from everywhere else, where it's peaceful and it's quiet. 00:11:27.269 --> 00:11:28.950 That's the direction we're aiming for. 00:11:29.110 --> 00:11:41.189 Enough emotional expression, a bit of intensity to communicate we understand how he feels, then support and tone a voice that kind of helps his emotions settle back down. 00:11:41.350 --> 00:11:53.189 I'm not saying match the child's intensity, and I'm gonna say that again, I'm not saying match the child's intensity, because if Amir is screaming or shouting, then screaming at him or shouting back at him isn't the solution. 00:11:53.269 --> 00:11:54.470 That's not what I'm aiming at. 00:11:54.629 --> 00:12:02.470 And saying, that's outrageous, I'd be furious too, at the top of your voice, could make that unfairness feel even bigger. 00:12:02.710 --> 00:12:07.189 And actually, you're prejudging the outcome of the conversation because Amir might well be in the wrong. 00:12:07.350 --> 00:12:18.950 We're trying to acknowledge how strongly he feels through our intensity and our tone of voice,

but at a lower level without fueling his outrage further or shouting ourselves. 00:12:19.189 --> 00:12:25.909 And heads up, for some kids, they might find when adults become more animated or louder threatening. 00:12:26.149 --> 00:12:30.470 So for those kids, that acknowledgement may need to be very much more understated. 00:12:30.549 --> 00:12:33.029 So obviously adjust this for the student you're working with. 00:12:33.189 --> 00:12:38.149 Now, what about that breathing exercise or getting out that emotion tracker or the calming corner? 00:12:38.230 --> 00:12:39.590 Are we throwing those out? 00:12:39.750 --> 00:12:40.070 No. 00:12:40.230 --> 00:12:44.549 As with LEMSIP day and night capsules, timing is everything. 00:12:44.710 --> 00:12:49.110 A caffeine-fueled daytime pill won't help you at night. 00:12:49.269 --> 00:12:51.590 The caffeine in them will just keep you awake. 00:12:51.830 --> 00:12:57.590 The right time for taking a daytime LEMSIP capsule is during the day. 00:12:57.750 --> 00:13:03.669 So if you're introducing or reminding Amir about a regulation strategy, you need to do it at the right moment. 00:13:03.830 --> 00:13:11.269 If you pick the wrong moment when he's not ready, and you bombard him with, tell me your number, choose a strategy, show me your breathing. 00:13:11.429 --> 00:13:14.309 That can make things unintentionally more intense. 00:13:14.470 --> 00:13:19.189 They can raise his stress and the demands he feels he's under, and that just makes things worse. 00:13:19.350 --> 00:13:30.149 From our perspective, we're trying to support him when we do that, but from the child's perspective, it might feel like they're being overloaded, like it's another thing that they're failing at because they can't do it right now. 00:13:30.230 --> 00:13:33.830 And then you end up with even more intense emotions. 00:13:33.990 --> 00:13:38.309 If you do, by the way, want some strategies to train your students to use when they're calm. 00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:43.429 We've got a free download that can help called How to Help Children Manage Anger and Other Strong Emotions. 00:13:43.590 --> 00:13:55.909 It includes a simple emotion tracker and a step-by-step approach to helping pupils recognize when their feelings are building and then practice what to do before they become overwhelmed. 00:13:56.070 --> 00:13:56.950 It's preventative. 00:13:57.029 --> 00:14:02.230 It's something to work through together when your pupils calm, not when they are upset in the moment. 00:14:02.389 --> 00:14:11.590 You can get your copy at beaconschoolsupport.co.uk and clicking on the free resources tab at the top, and you'll see it in the list of free resources right at the top of the page. 00:14:11.750 --> 00:14:14.230 That's beaconschoolsupport.co.uk. 00:14:14.549 --> 00:14:20.389 Click on the free resources link, and I'll also put a direct link to that resource in the episode description. 00:14:20.470 --> 00:14:24.950 So all you have to do is open up your podcast app and tap straight through. 00:14:25.269 --> 00:14:37.590 One useful approach though, if you want to kind of like debrief afterwards, if you want to check how you've done to co-regulate a student, is to afterwards, when they're calmer and more comfortable talking, just ask them. 00:14:37.750 --> 00:14:41.750 Say, when you were upset earlier today, was there anything that I did that helped? 00:14:41.830 --> 00:14:44.149 And was there anything I did that made it worse? 00:14:44.309 --> 00:14:48.549 And learn from their feedback because kids are brutally frank. 00:14:48.629 --> 00:14:50.950 They'll just tell you what you did right and wrong. 00:14:51.189 --> 00:14:54.309 That's why we don't let kids do performance management on the adults. 00:14:54.470 --> 00:14:56.230 They just make us all cry. 00:14:56.470 --> 00:15:06.230 So if you're working with a pupil and it's hard to keep them regulated, don't take what they say the wrong way and don't take what I've been saying today in the podcast the wrong way. 00:15:06.309 --> 00:15:12.149 I'm not saying it's your fault that they've stayed distressed and that you've got it wrong or you should feel bad about that. 00:15:12.389 --> 00:15:16.950 That child might be full of distress from all over the place. 00:15:17.110 --> 00:15:20.230 It might be from home, school, friends, relationships, online. 00:15:20.309 --> 00:15:25.350 And when they become distressed, there's no magic set of words that's gonna make all of that go away. 00:15:25.509 --> 00:15:29.509 There's not one perfectly worded sentence that will dispel those emotions. 00:15:29.830 --> 00:15:37.110 But the actions that adults take do influence the outcome if they don't dictate it. 00:15:37.269 --> 00:15:51.110 And getting feedback from the student can be helpful, and reflecting on how you've responded to pupils can be helpful as long as you don't slip into kind of like negative judgments about yourself and start convincing yourself that you can't do it or you made things worse. 00:15:51.269 --> 00:15:54.710 So we want reflection rather than being judgmental. 00:15:54.870 --> 00:15:59.590 And here are three questions to take away that will help with that process. 00:15:59.750 --> 00:16:07.590 First, ask yourself in that situation, did I show that I understood why whatever has happened was important to the student? 00:16:07.830 --> 00:16:10.710 Think beyond whether you've said the right phrase. 00:16:10.870 --> 00:16:12.549 Think about the delivery. 00:16:12.789 --> 00:16:15.110 Did you sound like you meant it? 00:16:15.350 --> 00:16:25.830 Second, ask, is my response reducing the child's stress or pressure, or am I adding demands to them when they look and feel overloaded? 00:16:25.990 --> 00:16:33.429 Look at a pupil's reaction rather than assuming a strategy is calming because it's been labeled as calming in a textbook. 00:16:33.669 --> 00:16:43.189 And thirdly, what does this particular pupil need to stay calm in the 20 minutes after they become heightened or distressed? 00:16:43.350 --> 00:16:44.629 Do they need warmth? 00:16:44.789 --> 00:16:47.269 Do they need less conversation, less interaction? 00:16:47.429 --> 00:16:48.870 Do they need a clear boundary? 00:16:49.029 --> 00:16:50.149 Do they need a bit of space? 00:16:50.309 --> 00:16:51.590 Do they need some distance? 00:16:51.830 --> 00:16:53.909 Do they need some sensory input? 00:16:54.070 --> 00:17:03.909 Let what you know about that individual student guide you because you are the expert in the kids that you work with after all, and there is no one size fits all solution. 00:17:04.070 --> 00:17:04.710 And you know what? 00:17:04.870 --> 00:17:11.029 Co-regulation done well leaves you sounding like a human being supporting a child. 00:17:11.190 --> 00:17:21.110 You can show concern, you can acknowledge the size of their feelings, and still remain kind of like this steady influence that helps them get on top of their emotions. 00:17:21.269 --> 00:17:37.110 But that's different from putting on like this facade of pure calm because heightened pupils are often looking for an adult that gets their frustration rather than a yoga teacher whose emotions are perfectly centered and immovable. 00:17:37.269 --> 00:17:40.070 Hopefully, next week I'll be back with my normal voice. 00:17:40.230 --> 00:17:42.870 Although, if you prefer this one, do let me know. 00:17:43.029 --> 00:17:47.670 Maybe we'll start some weird side podcast together sponsored by Lemsip. 00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:56.550 Anyway, voices aside, I hope you have a brilliant week, and I can't wait to see you on the next episode of School Behaviour Secrets.