Full Transcript for Breaking Generational Cycles and Reclaiming Self-Trust | Chanchal Garg

believe that everybody else has already achieved that thing. 00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:05.120 And so there must be something in us that isn't quite right or we're not doing enough or whatever. 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:07.759 So we just keep pushing harder. 00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:20.480 And I feel like what now wait a minute, if we're all deciding all at the same time that this isn't even a thing, how did this happen? 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:26.720 And more importantly, like what do we want to do now? 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:35.199 Like, okay, you know, my friend has this beautiful way of reframing any circumstance. 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:37.839 She just says, so what? 00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:38.879 Now what? 00:07:40.079 --> 00:07:40.480 Right. 00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:48.959 Like, I don't have to figure out what went wrong or why someone's was motivated to lead me on this path of self-destruction. 00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:55.120 I could just take that information and be the best version of myself. 00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:57.680 So how how are you finding that? 00:07:57.759 --> 00:07:59.920 And how did you come to this real? 00:08:00.319 --> 00:08:02.480 I have like 47 questions and one question. 00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:02.879 Sorry. 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:04.560 You gotta keep up, Chan Chao. 00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:05.839 I'm I know it's early. 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:08.879 I'm so sorry. 00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:16.959 I'm like, oh my gosh, no, my podcast mic for a few weeks as I've been traveling, and apparently I missed it terribly. 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:18.879 So glad you're here. 00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:30.319 But I would really love to know like, how did you come to this realization so that you could give yourself the offer of grace? 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:32.639 Well, it wasn't overnight, that's for sure. 00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:39.519 You know, it's been it's been a struggle, and and I love that idea of like what do we do from here, you know? 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:45.120 And I also have to say, like, looking at what got me here has been impactful. 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:55.200 Because you know, one of the things that I that is so important to me is that I'm able to change the narrative for my daughter. 00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:56.960 Oh my gosh, yes. 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:02.399 You know, that is so important to me because if I can't do that, then eh, what's the point? 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:03.200 You know? 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:09.840 So I you know, what you were talking about, the this conditioning that we have, I call it the inheritance of daughterhood. 00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:13.440 Oh, right, because it's like we all have our own version of it. 00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:15.519 That is so good. 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:22.159 You know, we all have our own version of it and we all carry this stuff into places we go. 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:26.960 And if we can all recognize that we have it, we can have grace for ourselves and for each other and grow, right?

00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:38.879 Because, like, you know, when I talk about um uh, you know, Carol Dweck's growth mindset, I'm like, it's a beautiful concept, but without self-compassion, we get stuck, right? 00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:46.320 Everybody knows that they need to be able to make mistakes, but then when we do, who feels psychologically safe enough to do it and grow? 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:47.200 Right. 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:59.120 Because that same conditioning that got us to think we couldn't make mistakes is judging the part of us that is now embracing that we can make mistakes. 00:09:59.360 --> 00:10:08.799 So we we really need a guide as we create these new neuropathways and these new ways of thinking and reframing of our experience. 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:11.360 Yeah, and it's the water we're all swimming in. 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:18.720 So we're constantly swimming upstream, you know, like we we make a different choice and then we bump up against that same conditioning. 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:23.519 And so for me, it's it's really been it it kind of goes back to your first question, right? 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:30.000 Like just a lot of grace and recognizing like I'm gonna take one step forward, two steps backward, right? 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:31.840 I'm gonna figure it out, you know. 00:10:32.080 --> 00:10:43.039 And through my life journey, you know, I've been bitten the butt a couple times and you've learned, you learn, and um, it's a journey for sure. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:48.080 What does figuring it out look like for you? 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:51.440 Uh, it means a lot of muddiness. 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:53.120 Yeah, right? 00:10:53.519 --> 00:11:00.080 It's messy, it's messy, like you know, it's not it's not a math problem, right? 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:23.360 I feel like it requires presence and intention setting and the grace that you spoke about, and the realization that it's happening all the time, so it's not even oh, I had this situation, bumped up against a growth edge, brought this tool in, it worked. 00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:25.759 Hooray! Now I have a system. 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:35.600 No, it's just I'm now I know that I have the tools that can make it work, but it's not always in the same order. 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:45.039 And for me, that can be a little bit frustrating where I love a system and I will work the system, and that is so good. 00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:59.440 But when the system is evolving at the same time that I'm evolving, it just can feel harder until I realize that that's actually easier. 00:11:59.759 --> 00:12:08.159 You can be intuitive and I can lean into what is the best solution for me in this moment. 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:10.480 Yeah, absolutely. 00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:15.840 What you're referring to, what it reminds me of, is like being able to trust my own growth. 00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:17.519 Oh, yes. 00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:22.799 Yes, you know, like I find myself in situations that

I was in, you know, years ago. 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:24.799 And it's like, oh, well, that resulted in that. 00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:25.840 So you better watch out here. 00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:27.919 But it's like, no, wait a minute, I've grown. 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:28.159 Right. 00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:30.720 I'm not gonna show up the same way. 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:32.240 But how do I trust that? 00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:37.120 Because like my body will show up that way, but my mind keeps going back to that other moment. 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:43.600 And so, you know, I I tell my clients all the time, I'm like, trust your growth and forget your mistakes. 00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:45.679 And it's hard to do, right? 00:12:45.759 --> 00:12:47.519 Like, it's not what we're wired to do. 00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:48.639 For sure. 00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:50.879 But yeah, it takes practice. 00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:52.159 Oh my goodness. 00:12:52.480 --> 00:13:18.240 So, in those conversations with your clients, like, are there ways that you've learned that obviously not a system, even though I love one of those, but uh a process where we can like how do we learn from our mistakes while also forgetting them, while also showing ourselves grace, while also being present, while also parenting, while also reparenting ourselves? 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:33.519 Like, I feel like we're so conditioned to give ourselves another job that it's um it can be tricky to hold this space for us in the fluidity that it requires. 00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:38.399 So, what have you found and what um are you helping your clients with? 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.519 The bottom line is to trust yourself. 00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:48.159 And it's okay if you're gonna make if you make mistakes, you know, like you're learning, you're growing every step of the way. 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:52.720 And um that that inner trust is so hard, you know. 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:58.960 Like for me, I released my memoir last year and it was my journey through spiritual and sexual abuse. 00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:01.200 And so I had no sense of self. 00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:20.320 I had to learn it, you know, and like learning to trust myself in moments where I'm like, I don't have any experience with this, and every other time I have has not resulted in something great, um, was hard, but it's kind of like you gotta fake it until you make it. 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:30.639 Doubt your doubt and keep going and know that it'll get easier, and then it'll get harder, and then it'll get easier, you know? 00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:39.360 So it's I think knowing that there isn't a destination is really helpful for sure. 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:55.759 You know, we are human and yet we expect ourselves to be in like perfect, and always say it's not perfect, but right I'm I've been so mindful of word choices. 00:14:55.919 --> 00:15:04.080 I read a book a few years ago by uh Florence Skovelshin, and it's called Your Word Is Your Wand. 00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:18.159 And it was written like in the early 1900s, and besides the language, it sounds like it could have been, you know, Gay Hendricks could have written it, like it's just so like present. 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:48.240 But it's really fascinating because these word choices that we make that are telling a story and and um continuing a narrative that is not in service to us, even saying that things are hard, yeah, we've shifted to oh, this is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, or I'm figuring it out to I am allowing a solution to come to me. 00:15:48.639 --> 00:16:03.759 And it sounds silly, but it really does make a difference when we are attending to our language because our mind is listening and our body is listening. 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:14.960 I've been really mindful of people saying, Well, it's not perfect, but and like pausing there and saying, Hey, let's let's dig in there a little bit. 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:16.799 What even is perfect? 00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:20.240 And right, what if this is perfect? 00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:25.200 Right, what it is that allows you to move on to what's next. 00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:25.919 Yeah. 00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:41.039 Because all of this failure or mistakes or whatever, it's just life happening and it's feedback, and we can take that information and learn something new. 00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:44.960 And if it wasn't fun, do our best not to repeat it. 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:51.360 Or, like you said, we're coming around to it, but we've grown since the last time. 00:16:51.519 --> 00:16:55.279 So it's gonna have a different, it's gonna play out differently. 00:16:55.519 --> 00:17:00.320 Yeah, and I think it's important to recognize like it's our responsibility to evolve. 00:17:00.559 --> 00:17:01.039 Yes. 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.400 Right, like it's our responsibility and it's our nature. 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:08.720 So it you know, growth is kind of inevitable. 00:17:09.759 --> 00:17:10.799 Right, right. 00:17:10.960 --> 00:17:16.079 I mean, and it's more fun than just repeating, yeah, because we're always moving. 00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:20.799 If someone's feeling stuck, it's just because they're moving into the same thing over and over. 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:21.359 Right. 00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:23.839 Not ever stopping. 00:17:24.160 --> 00:17:52.400 Um, you mentioned your memoir, and I just want to say congratulations on your immense bravery because that topic, spiritual and sexual abuse, that is not easy to say out loud and most likely not well received by those that were giving you something to write about. 00:17:52.640 --> 00:18:00.319 Yeah, I would love to know about that process because we all have stories. 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:04.799 Sadly, we all have stories that have a lot to do with your story. 00:18:05.039 --> 00:18:10.319 So I'd love to know why you felt you needed to write. 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:20.799 I mean, I feel like I know already, but tell us why

you felt like you needed to write this book, why you wanted to write this book, and what's happened since. 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:29.200 Yeah, you know, it's such a great question because I think why I wanted to, and now when I look at why I did it, they're almost a little different. 00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:30.559 Ooh, say more. 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:38.559 So initially when I started writing, it was just a journaling, and it was just for me to get my thoughts out on paper and get all my junk out right. 00:18:39.519 --> 00:18:43.200 And as I did that, I realized I don't know my mother's story. 00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:48.240 I don't know my grandmother's story, I don't know the story of my maternal lineage. 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:56.400 And I think when I look at that, a lot of that is why things happened the way they did for me. 00:18:57.039 --> 00:18:57.519 You know? 00:18:57.680 --> 00:19:02.079 And so this is a great example of looking back and saying, well, why did that happen? 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:04.400 How do I make sure it doesn't, you know? 00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:07.680 And so I said, I want my children to know my story, you know. 00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:10.799 So that was originally why I wrote it. 00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:15.680 And then I'm an executive coach, I'm a facilitator, I work with lots and lots of women. 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:20.160 We do, like you said, we all have the same story. 00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:26.000 You know, and there's not enough out there to recognize that we all have the same story. 00:19:26.799 --> 00:19:34.799 And we're all thinking we're the only one, or you know, we're feeling shame because of whatever society wants to put on us. 00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:42.160 And so there was a part of me that just kind of wanted to scream it loud and proud, like this is our story, you know? 00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:43.680 And so that was a big reason. 00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:56.799 And now when I look back, the thing that I was saying is a little different is as I move on in my own leadership journey, in my own work journey, and I share the messages that are really important to me. 00:19:57.039 --> 00:20:02.160 I realized that that was something that I had to just push out into the world and say, this is me. 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:05.759 And not that that's my identity, but like this is my process. 00:20:05.920 --> 00:20:08.319 Cause most of the book is honestly about my healing. 00:20:08.559 --> 00:20:08.880 Sure. 00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:10.160 But this is who I am. 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:11.440 I have nothing to hide. 00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:19.119 And now I can kind of show up unapologetically and say the thing that I want to say without worrying about it, you know? 00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:23.359 And so it was it was almost like a an initiation for me in some ways. 00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:25.200 Oh, it's so powerful. 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:38.960 Because I would assume at some point when you're writing and something is coming

that is really not okay that it happened or whatever. 00:20:39.359 --> 00:21:10.880 It's like, okay, it doesn't even, you know, people will wonder why I even wanted to write this down, let alone let a stranger read it, because again, all the conditioning and like, and even thinking like, okay, do I really want my colleagues at Stanford to know that, you know, like all of this internal work that you had the initiation, had the deep dive intensive of doing. 00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:39.359 And I would imagine the fear associated with what will happen when people know this about me, and then the reality with a capital R of what happened in you personally and what happened in your career because you were brave, and the things that you feared didn't happen, right? 00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:48.960 Because that's how fear works, it keeps us small and quiet and isolated, and it's pretending to be our friend, but it is not our friend. 00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:59.759 And I I love that you had this experience, and I love that you are so generous in sharing the book, but also with your client. 00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:06.960 And with your children, showing them that this is what bravery gets you. 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.039 Bravery gets you strength. 00:22:09.279 --> 00:22:25.759 Bravery gets you compassion and grace and wisdom and determination to not let anybody else's limiting narrative decide what yours is. 00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:26.880 Right. 00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:27.519 Right. 00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:39.680 And, you know, it's so nuanced because I think that there are places where, you know, because in releasing this book, obviously I've been in so many different places, right? 00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:45.839 Um, you know, talking, talking in places where they're focused on abuse and sexual abuse and all of these things. 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:59.279 And I think it's important, at least if there's any anyone listening who has experienced some of that, that, you know, there's this narrative that you've got to find your voice or you've got to find, you know, whatever and speak up and and all of this. 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:03.119 And I think fear does serve a purpose at some point, you know, like it keeps you safe. 00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:03.599 Right. 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:07.039 And sometimes when we're not speaking up, it's because it's not safe too. 00:23:07.759 --> 00:23:09.680 And it's not because you don't have your voice. 00:23:09.839 --> 00:23:11.200 It's not that. 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:12.960 You can still trust yourself. 00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:13.680 Right. 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:16.400 You can still, and it's important that you do. 00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:19.359 It's important that you hear yourself saying this is not okay. 00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:23.599 Because otherwise we start to get into this narrative of like this is just how it is. 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:25.519 Right. 00:23:25.680 --> 00:23:26.960 Which is really dangerous. 00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:27.680 Right. 00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:39.440 And so I just it's I think it's really important to to name like all of it is important, you know, all of it, the whole experience, and to be able to see yourself in it. 00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:40.000 Right. 00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:59.200 And I love that you have mentioned this because it goes back to what we've already said of trusting your growth, trusting your own process, of being present, of being intentional, of not just plugging in a system of, okay, well, we've decided that this has happened to everyone. 00:23:59.279 --> 00:24:00.480 So here's my story. 00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:04.880 I'm going live on Instagram to talk about my sexual abuse. 00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:40.799 There isn't a one size fits all, but there is um a reflection and um almost a dialogue with that younger version of us, whether that's through journaling or speaking out loud or with a therapist or an any trusted advisor that allows us to get it out of our body so that we can see it for what it is and how much space it actually takes. 00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:51.359 Because inside our body, what my experience has been, the things that I felt very shameful about took up a lot of real estate inside. 00:24:51.680 --> 00:25:03.440 But once I got them out of my body through journaling, through talking to friends and coaches and therapists, they didn't take up very much room anymore. 00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:03.759 Yeah. 00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:13.920 But what they left when they left my body, like that space to fill up with something that is life-giving, yeah, is so important. 00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:21.680 And did I go knock on the doors of all the bad guys and say, hey, you did this thing and that sucked and you need to apologize? 00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:25.279 It wasn't that was not a part of my work. 00:25:25.440 --> 00:25:26.880 It the work was for me. 00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:40.720 The work was for adult evolved Wendy to show up for younger Wendy in a way that I wanted some other adult to. 00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:41.599 Right. 00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:41.920 Right. 00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:45.519 They just couldn't or didn't know, or whatever. 00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:49.920 And that was such an empowering process for me. 00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:50.640 Yeah. 00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:52.640 You don't have to write a book, listener. 00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:53.359 Don't be afraid. 00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:58.240 You know, and and like you said, it's different for everyone, right? 00:25:58.319 --> 00:26:03.440 There are those who who go and and call those people out, and I'm grateful for those people. 00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:09.759 And there are those who work on themselves, and there are those who work with, you know, like they're everybody has their thing. 00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:12.319 And and it's, and I think that's what's beautiful, right? 00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:13.680 Like we all have our work. 00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:14.319 Yes. 00:26:14.480

--> 00:26:15.599 You know, yeah. 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:16.400 Thank you for that. 00:26:16.480 --> 00:26:17.119 I appreciate that. 00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:17.839 Of course. 00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:38.480 And I love that you're a part of your intention was to do this for your children and allow them to have access to information and understanding about you as a woman and as their mother. 00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:40.319 I'm interested. 00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:46.799 And you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, because it's not really about your book, but it's about parenting. 00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:47.359 Yeah. 00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:49.119 Asking for a friend. 00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:58.880 Um, so our daughters, like we're doing these things that feel very brave. 00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:04.000 We're doing it for us, but we're doing it for them as well. 00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:09.039 And how are you experiencing that impact? 00:27:09.279 --> 00:27:28.240 And the reason I ask is I was recently had a conversation with my daughter who's 12, and she was sharing that her major childhood trauma was that I took her to France for a month, and she didn't have any friends there. 00:27:28.559 --> 00:27:30.000 And right. 00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:35.440 And so I was like, okay, you tell Oprah all about how what a terrible mom I was. 00:27:35.680 --> 00:27:43.920 And you know, like that's what I'm thinking as I'm trying not to roll my eyes on the outside, since I don't like it when she does that to me. 00:27:44.160 --> 00:27:49.519 But then I realized she doesn't have anything to compare it to. 00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:52.960 So hooray that that's her childhood trauma. 00:27:53.119 --> 00:28:03.680 Hooray that she doesn't remember that she lived two years in an orphanage in China before she came to my house and I wrecked her life by taking her to France for a month. 00:28:04.480 --> 00:28:08.319 You know, it's I mean, and she didn't say I wrecked her life, but yeah. 00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:13.920 I just think it's fascinating that they are also having their own experience. 00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:17.119 And so, how is that playing out for you? 00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:25.119 And how did they respond in a way that you anticipated, or what was that like? 00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:35.200 Yeah, so my daughter has been um she's been such a wake-up call for me. 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:43.279 Honestly, I think I came to terms with what was happening when I was pregnant with her because I was pregnant with a girl. 00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:47.359 You know, she was one of those kids who wouldn't talk to other adults. 00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:50.640 But she has a voice. 00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:52.640 I mean, oh my goodness. 00:28:54.079 --> 00:28:56.880 So she teaches me every single day. 00:28:57.200 --> 00:29:04.880 Like this little girl, like I say I'm doing this for her, but I'm doing it almost like she's almost like bringing it out of me in many ways. 00:29:05.759 --> 00:29:14.720

When I say I'm doing this for her, it almost feels uh it almost feels very spiritual in a way, like she came here to do this for me. 00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:18.240 So I don't know that I can stay, you know what I mean? 00:29:18.319 --> 00:29:26.400 I say I wrote the book for her and and all of that, but it's um yeah, just the the ways that she does things. 00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:31.279 And even when I talk to her, like some of the things she says, I'm just like, oh, okay, wow. 00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:33.440 Like I would have never thought that. 00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:36.720 And I think you know what you're saying, because my daughter does the same, right? 00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:40.319 She'll tell me she's like, oh my God, can you believe, like, can't believe you did this, mom? 00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:42.400 And I'm like, okay, right. 00:29:42.559 --> 00:29:45.440 Like that was your experience of that. 00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:48.720 And I am I'm so grateful. 00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:50.160 I get to hear that. 00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:52.079 Yes, yep, exactly. 00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:57.119 Thank you, because I get to hear how you experience that. 00:29:57.279 --> 00:30:00.720 It doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad person. 00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:03.839 I can sit with you as you tell me this. 00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:07.440 And and that way it doesn't have to stay with you. 00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:08.720 Yes, yes. 00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:12.799 We get to be a part of the narrative creation. 00:30:13.039 --> 00:30:14.400 Yes, 100%. 00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:15.759 Yeah. 00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:20.240 And you know, when I look at my old childhood, like you said, it was the adults who weren't able to show up. 00:30:21.039 --> 00:30:26.880 And I didn't remember having dialogues with my mom, like I have dialogues with Amelia. 00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:27.759 Exactly. 00:30:27.839 --> 00:30:31.039 There's there's no way I could have had any of those conversations. 00:30:31.359 --> 00:30:36.880 Um, and so like when when I think of like how it's turning out, like I already see her as different. 00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:39.359 Like the narrative's already shifted. 00:30:39.599 --> 00:30:40.160 For sure. 00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:40.799 Right. 00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:50.559 And now it's just about helping her to see, like, yes, you are different, and the water you're swimming in still has remnants of that. 00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:55.039 How do you make sure that you're not carrying those remnants forward? 00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:59.440 And also telling her, like, you know, you're gonna one day you're gonna be 45. 00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:06.160 And if I'm lucky enough to be alive, I hope that I'm looking at you being like, what the hell are you doing? 00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:07.599 Like that is so weird. 00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:15.279 I hope I I see you that way because that means we've really evolved totally exactly, yeah. 00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:21.599 I love that you're parenting that way

because it's revolutionary. 00:31:21.920 --> 00:31:26.640 I feel like I'm along for this ride as well. 00:31:27.119 --> 00:31:39.599 I love that Amelia uses her words, I love that she says things even when she already knows I'm not going to want to hear it. 00:31:39.759 --> 00:31:41.920 She says, You don't want you don't want to hear this. 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:48.720 And I was and I say to her, oh, I might not like it, but there is nothing I want more than to hear it. 00:31:48.960 --> 00:32:02.240 Yeah, like I please, like she is such um a beautiful catalyst for healing and growth and opportunity. 00:32:03.200 --> 00:32:04.240 It's a gift. 00:32:05.279 --> 00:32:13.920 Yeah, I mean, these kids like they're uh in my experience, both my son and my daughter, they're my biggest teachers by far. 00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:15.680 Handpicked for us. 00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:18.160 Yes, yes, absolutely. 00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:20.000 It's so good. 00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:39.440 Um, in writing the book, is there anything on you know this side of it that has surprised you, whether it's the way it's received or the feedback that you're getting, or even what is different in a happy way than we anticipated? 00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:41.680 There's been a couple things. 00:32:41.839 --> 00:32:50.880 I mean, when I first wrote the book, I was like, okay, this is gonna really resonate with the South Asian South, you know, diaspora, you know, and it's resonated across the board. 00:32:51.039 --> 00:32:56.720 I get messages from, you know, folks who were raised in the Catholic Church. 00:32:56.799 --> 00:33:01.839 I get messages from, you know, people from all over, right? 00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:06.000 Because patriarchy is patriarchy and the narrative is the same. 00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:08.400 You know, it's just it's how it is. 00:33:08.559 --> 00:33:17.839 And so um, that's been really lovely to be able to hear people um see themselves in some portion of the book, because that was really my hope. 00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:29.839 And then the other piece that has been, I guess it hasn't been as surprising, um, maybe a little frustrating, is that there's some folks who tend to just focus on the trauma, right? 00:33:30.400 --> 00:33:34.480 And then the others who were like, okay, no, this is actually about growth. 00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:39.839 You know, I wouldn't have written the book if I was still sitting in the let's focus on trauma place, you know. 00:33:40.160 --> 00:33:42.559 So that's not what it was meant to be. 00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:45.359 You know, focus on like what what came from it, right? 00:33:45.519 --> 00:33:54.240 Because it it's pointless, I think, to write the book from that place when you're still in the place of trauma, you know. 00:33:54.720 --> 00:34:04.160 Right, because it's not an invitation or yeah, or expansion, it's just uh bad TV. 00:34:04.799 --> 00:34:05.519 Yeah, right. 00:34:05.759 --> 00:34:14.159 I mean, and the energy of uh telling the

story in that place uh you can feel it. 00:34:14.400 --> 00:34:44.960 And if you are a person who is uh interested and committed to their own personal growth, they can read something like your beautiful memoir and find the nuggets that apply to their own lives rather than just sitting in that place that you didn't want to sit in either, which is why you healed yourself and then wrote the book about it. 00:34:45.199 --> 00:35:01.360 So I there's so much to I I heard um, I don't even know if this woman was the originator of this concept, but just the difference between speaking from a scar rather than a wound. 00:35:02.559 --> 00:35:04.159 It's just different. 00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:12.480 And then another woman that I had on the podcast, Laura Paddock, she I wrote it on the sticky note um in her latest book. 00:35:12.639 --> 00:35:22.480 She wrote, When you retell an experience with wiser language, you don't erase the past, you reassign its purpose. 00:35:23.199 --> 00:35:24.000 I love that. 00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:25.920 It's just so good. 00:35:26.159 --> 00:35:38.559 There is healing and growth and expansion in the retelling of these stories from the perspective of the other side of it. 00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:40.400 Yeah, absolutely. 00:35:41.280 --> 00:35:45.039 They're important stories, it's important that that happened. 00:35:46.559 --> 00:35:50.000 Awful, yeah, you had those experiences. 00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:54.159 And what's most personal is most universal. 00:35:54.400 --> 00:36:01.199 So it's very brave of you to write about it and talk about it. 00:36:01.519 --> 00:36:02.159 Yeah. 00:36:02.960 --> 00:36:06.400 Because there's healing for many in that. 00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:07.840 That is the hope. 00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:08.320 Yeah. 00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:09.199 That is the hope. 00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:12.000 And and to recognize, like, we have to do this work ourselves. 00:36:12.159 --> 00:36:14.159 You know, no one's coming to save us. 00:36:14.639 --> 00:36:16.559 So okay. 00:36:16.880 --> 00:36:21.440 So what do you want people to know about the book? 00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:28.559 Like, what do you say when you meet someone and you think, oh my gosh, they would really benefit from my book? 00:36:28.719 --> 00:36:30.159 What do you say to them? 00:36:30.239 --> 00:36:36.960 Like, what do you want people to know so that they're gonna click the link in the show notes and get their hands on this book? 00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:45.280 Because I mean, really, yeah, I love you and I want to read the book because you're amazing. 00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:55.199 And I love that I can tell you wrote it from a place of healing while also honoring yourself and your experience. 00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:57.920 That makes me want to buy the book. 00:36:58.159 --> 00:37:01.199 And I want our listeners to buy the book too. 00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:05.119 Like we're not just having these conversations for fun. 00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:16.880 Like, we are women, we are in business, we need to make money, and that is all okay and beautiful because we spend money on a bunch of dumb things all the time. 00:37:17.199 --> 00:37:22.719 So, this is a really beautiful thing to invest in ourselves in. 00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:25.840 So, what do you want people to know? 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:33.519 Like, what do you think is a really beautiful invitation for them to engage with your book? 00:37:34.159 --> 00:37:38.960 So, the name of the book is Unearthed, the Lies We Carry and the Truths They Bury. 00:37:39.440 --> 00:37:50.719 And in that, I think the thing that I want people to take with them is that we're constantly unearthing narratives that were handed to us that are not even ours. 00:37:50.880 --> 00:37:51.519 Yeah. 00:37:51.840 --> 00:38:00.000 And it's important to just constantly bend be in that excavation of like, who am I really? 00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:07.199 Recognize, you know, I like to say that our identity is not static, it's constantly evolving. 00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:22.159 And when we can recognize that, we can make mistakes and be okay, we can uh learn and grow and be okay, we can, you know, let things go and pick new things up, and we can grow into ourselves, you know. 00:38:22.320 --> 00:38:30.239 And so I think that is probably the biggest key is that it's just it's a process, it's an ongoing process. 00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:33.760 Enjoy the ride, you know, for sure. 00:38:33.920 --> 00:38:35.920 Yes, wow, that's beautiful. 00:38:36.159 --> 00:38:37.840 Yeah, that is beautiful. 00:38:38.159 --> 00:38:39.599 Thank you so much. 00:38:39.760 --> 00:38:41.920 I have loved this conversation. 00:38:42.079 --> 00:38:44.480 I cannot wait to read your book. 00:38:44.800 --> 00:39:04.159 I purposefully don't read the books before the interview because I interview like 95% of my guests are authors, and I would be reading 175 books a year. 00:39:04.400 --> 00:39:10.400 And I also am a flower farmer and a single mom and lead retreats in France. 00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:13.599 And there are other conversations that I'm so curious about. 00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:15.199 All the things, right? 00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:23.760 So I love that these conversations are invitations for what books I want to read. 00:39:23.920 --> 00:39:42.159 And it turns out that I want to read about 175 books a year because all of you, all of these women that I have the joy and honor of speaking with on this podcast, take space in my heart and move right in there. 00:39:42.400 --> 00:39:53.599 And I want to know them more and celebrate you all and uh magnify the beautiful growth and expansion that you're experiencing. 00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:56.079 And I love that we're doing this. 00:39:56.239 --> 00:40:03.920 I love that we are women supporting women, and we are doing it with intention and purpose. 00:40:04.239 --> 00:40:13.280 And you are a real person who has the real story and you wrote it down, and that's what I'm here for.

00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:14.480 Thank you. 00:40:14.639 --> 00:40:15.199 Thank you. 00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:15.920 Of course. 00:40:16.239 --> 00:40:22.400 Please tell everyone where they can find and follow you and how they can get their hands on the books and all the gifts. 00:40:23.360 --> 00:40:23.599 Yeah. 00:40:23.760 --> 00:40:28.079 So um my website, chanchalgarg.com, um, has all my stuff. 00:40:28.239 --> 00:40:32.159 I actually have a a retreat coming up for women in November. 00:40:32.719 --> 00:40:36.079 Um yeah, and it's it's I call it a retreat. 00:40:36.159 --> 00:40:38.000 I think it's probably more of an intensive. 00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:46.639 It's um, it's interpersonal dynamics work, it's uh deep, fun, hard, all the things, all the things. 00:40:46.719 --> 00:40:47.360 And I love it. 00:40:47.599 --> 00:40:48.480 Um, so there's that. 00:40:48.639 --> 00:40:51.920 And then you can get my book, um, all the places you can buy books. 00:40:52.079 --> 00:40:53.840 I love to promote indie bookstores. 00:40:53.920 --> 00:40:56.159 And yes, you can get it on Amazon as well. 00:40:56.400 --> 00:41:02.880 So yeah, would love to hear um anyone who reads the book would love to hear your thoughts, reflections. 00:41:02.960 --> 00:41:05.920 There's also chapter by chapter, their questions. 00:41:06.079 --> 00:41:12.320 So if you have a book club that you're a part of, um, it's a wonderful book to be able to do some reflection work. 00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:18.000 So, you know, and if ever you'd love some support with that, um, feel free to reach out. 00:41:18.239 --> 00:41:18.559 Yeah. 00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:19.679 I love that. 00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:50.320 I love that you had the forethought to not only invite the reader into deeper exploration, but to invite book clubs as well, because it's sounds like the perfect blend of something that people want to read, but they get healing on the side, or they get, you know, someone who's wanting that expansion gets that and gets some drama on the side. 00:41:50.559 --> 00:41:52.559 Um, beautifully done, Queen. 00:41:54.000 --> 00:41:54.480 Thank you. 00:41:54.880 --> 00:42:02.079 We will link everything down in the show notes, but I have loved this conversation and I can't wait to spend more time with you. 00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:03.519 Thank you for being here. 00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:05.519 Thank you so much, Wendy. 00:42:11.360 --> 00:42:14.960 I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. 00:42:15.280 --> 00:42:25.199 As always, any links or notes mentioned can be found at PhineasRighthouse.com in the podcast section of our site or in the show notes below. 00:42:25.440 --> 00:42:33.119 And if you haven't connected with me personally, come find me on Instagram at PhineasWrighthouse and let me know you listened to this episode. 00:42:33.280 --> 00:42:35.039 I'd love to get to know you. 00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.280 Thank you for sharing this time with me. 00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:43.360 I know your days are full, and I'm really grateful that you chose to spend some of your precious time right here. 00:42:43.599 --> 00:42:48.559 Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of these delightful conversations. 00:42:48.719 --> 00:42:50.639 I'll see you next week.