ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this week's episode of Rise Together, Rachel and Dave Hollis are digging into the core of our beliefs when it comes to romantic relationships: your relationship is either growing or it's dying. They're talking about the times when their relationship struggled over the last 16 years + what they've done (and continue to do) to make it thrive.

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Follow Dave Hollis on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mrdavehollis/

English
United States

TRANSCRIPT

00:00:01hi guys I'm Rachel Hollis and I'm Dave college stands were married for like fourteen years and together for sixteen we have kids for kids which is like a thousand kids we've also been foster parents are for kids as well we're running a business together well I don't think
00:00:16that is a lot but we feel like it's possible we know it's possible to have an exceptional relationship regardless of the stresses you have in your life that's why we decided to do a podcast together it's called price together so if you want some tips and tricks on
00:00:31how we kind of get through all the things this is it come under welcome to what is actually the first episode of rice together it's the second episode frankly because we had an intro up yes the first one that we're we're really dig in and this is the
00:00:57first time we have a topic yeah it's a really good topic and it's one that feels foundational in the relationship that we have today that we didn't have when we got married or even a decade ago which is really the idea of a question that we feel like
00:01:15everybody in a romantic relationship needs to ask themselves and needs ask themselves pretty regularly which is are we growing we going together we've grown more in love are we better off now than we were a year ago or are we dying because any living thing is one of
00:01:34those two things you can't be in the middle you can't you're either growing or dying an animal grass humans are either growing or they're dying so what does your relationship look like right now and the way that I think you can answer this question are we growing are
00:01:54we dying or we stagnant do we feel stuck do we feel like we can't get past this place and we feel like we sort of a repeating ourselves is are you more in love with your partner then you were a year ago that's good I I mean I
00:02:12do think because we've talked about as individuals whether or we are feeling like we are reaching toward an exceptional version of myself and we do the same thing in the relationship we have as a couple and the times when we can point to the most exceptional moments in
00:02:29our relationship they were times when we were actively intentionally reaching towards a better version of ourselves A. K. A. growing and the times when I look back and you can you know listen to other podcasts we've talked about hard times but those valleys that showed up in a
00:02:47relationship or times when we were not making progress we weren't moving toward a better version of a relationship in part because we probably were either distracted by just the chaos of life or were slipping as an individual and weren't kind of carrying our own way I would I
00:03:04would say not only were we not growing we definitely have had seasons as a couple where we were backsliding yeah where I feel like we were doing worse than we had before and the interesting thing I think about %HESITATION forgiven and we've been together for sixteen years we've
00:03:21been married for fourteen and it's amazing to me it's just I feel so dumb when I think back at like baby rage when we first got married that you sort of think once you navigate that first year and like those hard to you know let's figure out who's
00:03:37doing this and who's doing that you get past those first few arguments or whatever it is that you think like I got it like there's not going to be other stuff there's not going to be trials are tribulations we sort of navigated those things and so I guess
00:03:51what was surprising to me as we grew as humans like as we had children and then we had more responsibilities and job pressures on whatever is that new level new problems yeah does that make sense why there's two surprises for me as you're talking about surprises one surprise
00:04:11for me was there was a point in time very early on in our relationship where I thought we were at the peak of how much we love each other and it's no where near the V. it the way I feel for you now the appreciation and respect and
00:04:25admiration and but really the love that I have for you today is just so much bigger than the little baby love that young you and I had you know fix sixteen years ago in matter fourteen years ago we got married that's one but to I I have been
00:04:42surprised buy at a certain point in our marriage when things were not going as well as they are today I actually convinced myself that that was just something that happens to marriages after a certain amount of time and thought well I better just settle on in to this
00:05:02not being as good as it once was because I didn't realize that you could fight for a better version of being married which I'm so grateful that we have but when I talk to people that are like stock I think it's in part because they just assume that
00:05:21stock is where they're meant to live and that's that's just a life without you know gosh that's such a good point I think even we see this we did this live streams in the morning and I'll see some of the questions coming through and I don't think I
00:05:36can answer people's questions without being without coming across as rude someone asks a question this morning about her husband about like being so frustrated at how do I you know deals being so frustrated with him and I just thought man like that's on you and let me explain
00:05:52that this is one of my points for later but %HESITATION if you are frustrated with your partner and not clearly communicating with them why you're frustrated you are setting them up for failure and your relationship up for hardship and I think the problem that we have in this
00:06:14society is that we don't have a lot of great examples at least I didn't grow up with them and I don't know a lot of great examples that exist in social media or you know in the celebrity space or whatever of people in romantic relationships that I'm like
00:06:29yeah that that's who I aspire to be so you don't have any examples of it what you do have examples of lots of people who are frustrated with their partner lots of comedies about how terrible this wife is this true or this husband lazy or you know whatever
00:06:44the in laws that this like it's it's making it normal for it to be bad and so it doesn't occur to you unless you get outside your regularly scheduled programming or unless you're seeking it out in books or podcasts or whatever to see what we know not everybody
00:07:02lives this way so I have I love that insight because I don't think yeah back in the day that's probably really important for us to say guys like this is sixteen years to get here I can't wait to see what looks like a twenty years or twenty two
00:07:17but please know if you are early on and you maybe are falling into some of these things are you haven't even consider them before or gosh if you're twenty years then and you haven't considered them before you know if you're if you're breathing right now feel listening to
00:07:31this podcast you have the ability to take control of your relationship and to make it better by actively pursuing it we wanted to share with you the ways that we have really actively pursued an exceptional relationship like better than good better than great exceptional I want to stand
00:07:52with them just for a second because I do think the the maturity that's come in our relationship over time that has had me appreciate the value of wading into confrontation with you because of it being a thing that will make our relationship better did not exist for a
00:08:15long time %HESITATION yeah right like I'm a recovering we both are yeah right in different ways but we both are yeah and so like keeping the peace work keeping Rachel happy or not wanting to have to deal with the work of the work kept me from saying things
00:08:35when they came up in real time when the problem was still very small and then as time went by it compounded in grew and became something that I was frustrated about that you were not even aware of as a frustrating thing for me and then one day you
00:08:53close the door %HESITATION too hard as like why why do you keep slamming the door and it was nothing to do with the door yeah right like I was getting frustrated about something that I'd never even brought up I happen to go through this thing at work where
00:09:05instead of doing an annual review we started doing these like really deliberate regular conversations and it took a ton of the the weight of that like year ran conversation away because we just change the culture of routinely having regular conversation in a moment in the LAR we like
00:09:23look at this cool video called radical candor like we like okay it's a great book too bad it's a great book it's a great twenty minute Ted talk but like with pushing yourself into a confrontation in a constructive way in real time when the problem is small diffuses
00:09:42something from becoming a problem but it was just so counter cultural to the way that I grew up in certain %HESITATION I've worked that I had to work against my like reflex for codependency yeah well I think that's also a great insight is probably the first stepping stone
00:09:59I think to having an incredible relationship is a willingness on both sides that Hey we wanna actively grow we want to grow as individuals and we want to grow as a couple we want to be more love we want to have you know still want to make out
00:10:17like teenagers in you know no matter what's going on in our lives we want to have fun we want to laugh we want to do it and in order for that to be true in order for that to happen in our lives then we have to be willing
00:10:30test set intention we have to be willing to have heard conversations we have to be willing to hold each other accountable that's first step because I think it's easy for us to sit here and say man have honest hard conversations with one another when I don't know that
00:10:48we would have either one of us felt comfortable with that when we were younger that's a place that we've grown into what would have been helpful to us is if we had listened to something like this or read a book together or gone to a conference together or
00:11:01done something where someone could challenge you in that way and say Hey do you want this great in your in your new life is the cost of your old one %HESITATION that's good right like your new relationship means that you are going to have to do some things
00:11:20you've never done in order to have some things you've never had and that is hard when you're first starting and it takes practice and habit and here's what I'm gonna reach for and all these things so just first step is having a conversation with your partner like this
00:11:35is a place you want to go and I gotta be honest you need to do some soul searching if you have a partner that you're like I wanted to grow more in love I want us to be stronger I want to see more supportive of each other I
00:11:47want whatever and your partner is like when I I know well you know we need to look at what's going on there but the first place to start is both of you both of you have to have your head in this game right at one one hundred percent
00:12:02I mean here's the thing to this is a different podcast for a different day we'll do it in this series but the idea that like you don't complete me I don't complete you were both individually coming into this whole and that that whole in part is what motivates
00:12:19me to want to be better and you know the opposite is true like if you're currently in a position with someone where that you're getting that grunt instead of yep I'm in and I also want to reach for something better just pour into yourself become the very best
00:12:36version of yourself and watch that person who currently grunts and moans notice of your flourishing and your growing and watch them want to grow like you right love that okay all right so what we thought we would do is this idea of growing or dying how can you
00:12:56identify where you are and that was the question that we wanted you to start with was are you more in love you feel closer to you feel better connected then you did a year ago and understanding number one that that is a seasonal thing for every relationship important
00:13:15to say that that there have been plenty of times where answer was yes we are more in love and plenty of times what we have not been worn line but to actually either maintain the momentum of having been more in love you have to first identify what you're
00:13:31doing that's working so yeah say yes yes we are more love great have you taken the time and been intentional about identifying what is going on right now in your life that makes you feel like that because if you know Hey these four elements are really making us
00:13:48feel connected and were really just going through life together then you can continued to do those things and if the answer is no you got to know okay those times when I did feel more connected to you what's missing that I had then that I don't have now
00:14:06yeah let's start with the first one just for a second because I do think any any great relationship has the possibility of not maintaining its momentum forward if you're not really really intentional with that maintenance and so doing you know a regular review of how you're feeling and
00:14:28what's working and if you're going into a crazy season how you're preparing for that season so that you can keep the relationship a focus for wanting it to continue to thrive even though life is gonna come harder than it maybe had previously at you %HESITATION you know the
00:14:45people who have exceptional relationships have a real solid handle on what it takes to make them work as a as a partnership them which I think is really powerful we get into that like all relationships are not created equal I love it when people are like tell us
00:15:01exactly how to do yeah like like not going to work for you that's right that's what works for us yeah no that's that's a great way I so I I interrupted you as per year so that was if the answer is yes if the answer is no what
00:15:15was your advice for them well if the answer is no then I think it's about being really honest about what your feeling and what you're thinking and coming into I I read something just the other day like starting a conversation and how you started is the way that
00:15:30you will finish it so if you hope to have an outcome that has your partner really understanding and having empathy for where you're coming from you better start in a way that has an appreciation for an empathy on how they might receive your even bringing it up right
00:15:46like I I have tended to over time become defensive her at the first right the first time something gets brought up I wanna I wanna litigated I want to try and so that your use an excellent lawyer thank you but I don't like your mom I want I
00:16:07want the second Rachel is being critical in a constructive way it's a reflex I don't even realize I'm doing it I immediately want to convince her that she is in the correct format perceive something a certain way I guess I can we just say to %HESITATION also two
00:16:25things about this one this is yours %HESITATION I have my own bad stuff this is one of yours you you can't be defensive and in our relationship that's really that has been in the past really dangerous for us because I'm non confrontational and Davis extremely confrontational so if
00:16:43I say like the sky is blue and he's like does buyers parent any like gets and he'll like here's twenty seven reasons why the sky is pink and here's why you don't know this guy's been come and it just causes me to fully shut down which is %HESITATION
00:16:58my plan it worked so I think that's something that we really struggled with in the past and I really want to stress to those of you who are listening we are so not perfect so we're talking about the problems were like we used to have that it still
00:17:12shows up it happened two days ago the real example we can we get those in order yeah I think they're powerful sorry but it still happens I just want to encourage you if you if you're like me and these are the things that were struggling with shoot I
00:17:27hope you're better than us I hope we're not struggling with them in a decade but you might be we still have these things show up but they just they have they happen in smaller doses and we get over them much faster because we are also much more graceful
00:17:40with each other than we used to be hi friends if you are enjoying the ride together podcast then you should definitely check out the ride together conference what do you say a live version of this podcast you say well it's happening in Austin Texas on September twenty first
00:17:58twenty second we want you to be there and we've got all the information let's rise dot go forward slash together we just did the longest intro ever into this idea but if you've identified yes you know you're growing or dying we thought that we would walk you through
00:18:19%HESITATION %HESITATION like a strategy to make sure you're on the road to growth to on the road to getting better all the time and the first thing that we think every couple needs to do every couple in a romantic relationship needs to identify their core values yeah it's
00:18:45super important to side note here and say individual human beings should have their own core values relationship peeps should have relationship values and families should have family values some of them wrote will overlap absolutely and it will be totally different yes but for if you were in a
00:19:11romantic relationship have you ever just sat down and said these are the things that matter most to us and we don't care if the matter to anybody else but if we're being true to these values that our relationship is being true to what we want it to be
00:19:27it's a really quick like how do you say that like a it's a litmus test on mostly as this matter well let's yeah laid against what are the values that are against whatever nations your values are let's let against our personal values and if they don't line up
00:19:42with then we can let it go matter like you know %HESITATION the in laws really wanted us to come for such and such holiday but we really want to go to a vacation we haven't had one for its are only time off wait what their core value %HESITATION
00:19:55one of our core values is that we love to travel together and so we have to choose our core value relational over the expectations that other people have on us it's super super powerful and just getting clear and focus on what you want for your marriage or your
00:20:13relationship we made five when you can make you know whatever number I really feel like five should should be a top I think but I think five is if you're twenty core values generally the coal that's no that's like a full complex of values you you just want
00:20:27to get a solid base of values so we thought we would take you through our five that we have identified that are really important to us in no particular order and these may not be and probably will not be yours your nice yeah you are making your own
00:20:42but you know make them but these are yeah so a way to do this if you're not sure how to get your own value sit down with your partner and ask the question like when we're at our best when our relationship is at its absolute best I'm most
00:20:56proud of it I wanted to be like this all the time what are the things that are making it the best and here are yeah number one being best friends we're best friends we are best friends them into your family this friend what's interesting is like you don't
00:21:12even acknowledge anymore when I'm seeing that's part of our friendship Megan are in the most of your jokes slash singing yes %HESITATION the only thing that kind of gets us through every situation is this ability to like make each other laugh and to be the person that I
00:21:32know you're gonna be when like the kids have come to pass we get to just like shell yeah the way that I would describe the friendship peace is that I want to treat Dave like he's my best friend first and my husband's second because I think that we
00:21:50sometimes can treat our friends better than we treat our family so when I think of my friendships their people I want to hang out with their people I want to do nice things for their I can't wait to you know have wine with them I can't wait to
00:22:05schedule a vacation I can't with like I'm just very intentional about friendships and I think that that is where I want to show up and that is what how I want to show up in our relationship as friends not I don't know I think probably because I grew
00:22:22up you know my parents divorce they had a pretty hard marriage and so I didn't have example like an example of what a great marriage look like but I did have examples of what great friendships look like and so I guess I just reach for that idea first
00:22:39yeah so that can lead right into this one well because they really sort of go hand in hand but we did feel like they were separate topics which is one of our core values is having fun and laughing and laughing like when we're at our best we're having
00:22:55fun weren't kidding around were being stupid we're going out on adventures like are being at you know out on Thursday nights is a thing I would do because our date night is not let's go see a movie in the dark not talk to each other but like let's
00:23:13go yeah I'll show each other means let's go bowling yeah let's go we just do stupid stuff but we have a lot of fun %HESITATION and I saw I saw someone on Instagram the other day %HESITATION like he shared his wedding vows with something like here of all
00:23:33the people I hate like I hate you believe Sir I'll be yes that's basically yes so I was like reading something the other day about like these things are toxic in marriage and one of the things was sarcasm I was like well I can't even one or so
00:23:48yeah I'm sorry that's a good example of like not all relationships are created equal some people sarcasm is a love language like a like a our kids in the most sarcastic humans you've ever met in your life so that's a value for us where is in your family
00:24:04that might be that's a sign of disrespect %HESITATION so having fun and %HESITATION laughing our **** off the third thing is growth yeah so growth I would say is a personal value for both of us but it's also a value in our relationship and we're really intentional I
00:24:23think with all of these that's the key right like you have to be you can't just say these are our values great now what are you doing to manifest those in your life well growth personally was part of what made growth in a relationship and important thing I
00:24:39really found this connection especially over the last couple years between growing and fulfillment and personally I've needed to continue to grow in order to feel a true deep sense of a filament and that just lent itself to what do I look for then and a really fulfilling relationship
00:24:59%HESITATION one that continues to grow when the continues to get better and also I think that supports each other in growth %HESITATION that's that's a core value for us as individuals and it's a core value for our relationship it means that I have to be supportive and not
00:25:15be grudgingly but whole heartedly supportive of Dave pursuing things that help him to grow as a man as a father as a CEO as any of these things because we've identified that is something important deciding that something's important to you means that you will take on like a
00:25:33burden for yourself or sacrifice yourself so that your partner can experience that growth yeah I mean if there's a level of it that's accountability so like I don't I haven't always responded perfectly to the idea of accountability even though I appreciate it just two days ago were driving
00:25:48in the car it has been super chaotic because we are now officially a full month into moving our family from Los Angeles Austin and I had been in a great rhythm of working out of going to the gym a ton before we left and it's just been hard
00:26:04to be really consistent but Iran three or four days I went to SoulCycle one of the days and Rachel as we're driving says Hey you know what next week I really want to try and help you get to the gym every day and my brain heard that as
00:26:20you've gotten chubby and you're not working as hard as you once did I don't wanna make out with you as much just because what she really was saying was I will and he reacted badly I reacted band I was like I owe it hurt my feelings I was
00:26:36like why it just happens like I what what I was trying to say and I guess I should have said there really was like Hey I know it's hard we got a lot going on I'll watch the kids all take on like don't think that you have to
00:26:49figure out like all do the other stuff so that you can have time to go to Jim that's what I was trying to say yeah but it but I didn't say it the right way no the thing is you said it perfectly I was personally feeling like I
00:27:01hadn't held up my end of the bargain came to pushing myself in the space that is really important to me yeah and so my in security for not doing as good as I had done previously flared yeah and you'd just recognized what was super parent I haven't been
00:27:18to the gym is often down in Austin as I had been yeah when I was in Los Angeles I then you know took four five breaths and asked immediately and offer some forgiveness and up and apologize because I was a jerk in the moments when she was legitimately
00:27:33just trying to be good but yeah I think that that's %HESITATION a super a central part of a willingness to grow is a willingness to hear feedback and that can be probably like seventeen spin off episode yeah I've got coming soon I'm number four on our list physical
00:27:51and DO and then yeah doing it and doing it well yeah we make out %HESITATION a lot I think we talk about it a lot and people are in that we get it but I don't know I don't I don't know that enough people for sure the world
00:28:07talks about it and media talks about it but I don't know a lot enough people in committed romantic relationships and love who are like yeah this is an essential part of Hey we've been married for thirty years or whatever we still you know do it like rabbits that's
00:28:24what I want to hear I wanna hear those stories and I might not be everybody's core value but it is ours I feel closer to I feel connected to you when we have stress relieve yeah let's go but honestly like when when I don't know how to say
00:28:44this out loud but like you know when we're having sex three or four times a week that is when we are most connected it's yeah were closest and it's when honestly the next day it's easier to wake up and Swati on the body and send you a text
00:28:59in the middle the day time yeah much I like you and how much I'm still thinking about you and whatever you think this is that's a really interesting point that you're making there so if if we're if we're if we've if we've had a good time the night
00:29:15before you're more likely to be amorous and other ways because of that versus what I think is interesting is that if you are Amerson otherwise if her soccer my but if you're sending a taxed if you're kissing my neck whatever I'm more likely to want to have sex
00:29:32with you that night because you started yeah sort of four play for me hours before we actually got to that yes I I don't know I just think that's interesting I think again we'll have a whole lot of time no longer but just look like let's just give
00:29:49you that core idea that a it is super important to us and be we have conversations like you just heard like all wow okay you want that and I want this and this is how we make that happen number five number five we're a team we are a
00:30:07team that is a value is that it is not like a lot of times and problems happen when hard things happen when hard seasons happen people tend to think or for relationship it can either make you closer or can tear you apart and I think part of the
00:30:27reason that happens is that people they let the hard thing get in between the relationship when really it's supposed to being you too against the world yeah not the world driving your car when I think back at two thousand sixteen it was the hardest year of our life
00:30:49or at least of my life the hardest year of our marriage and the best year marriage in that we have these for foster children in and out of our house a couple of which left without our thinking they were going to it created a bunker that we had
00:31:05to hunker down in and if it had been something that pit us against each other it would destroy I remember thinking in that season this is the kind of thing that will make us so much stronger or will make or will make us getting divorced like I I
00:31:22remember thinking not that I was having like thoughts about but I remember thinking this is a this is like a a death now like this is the thing that if in even strong relationships don't survive seasons as hard but I even as I was thinking as I remembered
00:31:40like there wasn't one single part of that season where I wanted to be separate from you I was so I was like we were in a bunker we were like sometimes physically huddled together crying over what we were going through many times just like trying to manage five
00:32:00kids and deal with all the fate like hard season yeah but I remember coming out of it like definitely shell shocked definitely PTSD but also knowing our relationship has never been stronger because we had survived the hard things together so we are a team identifying the five core
00:32:18values for your relationship is step number one September two is weekly check ins quarterly reviews and you will retreat yeah so weekly check in is we every Sunday we sit down and we plan out her week I had and we talk about who's picking up the kids and
00:32:38what we're having for dinner on Thursday night and who's working out when it's just all the things just regular life planning things but if you're planning your regularly scheduled programming and you have a list of those core values maybe there on the wall maybe there in your phone
00:32:54just somewhere that you can see them as you're planning thing you get to make sure that your calendar is reflective of your values yeah so if your value is have fun laugh you better have some fun with what was going on the calendar this week for you and
00:33:09your partner what day okay it's not enough to have a date night in you got have a date night that's fun that's gonna make you laugh so Dave and I can have a date night where we go you know get dinner that's cool that's cool that we get
00:33:23to go on a date but I secretly one I can tell you have a secret date coming up plan for you to my mind I want to give it away but if it's something fun and that you're not expecting that we're maybe not gonna be very good that
00:33:36it's gonna be physical might be hard like I can already see us laughing our **** off over that and that reaching for our values in our calendar yeah I know one of the things that we've always done in growth in particular is have every six months something on
00:33:54the calendar that is us leaving our existing live for yeah %HESITATION weekend that will fill out some grand person about yeah so we have we have an annual I put it on here is an annual retreat because I was kind of making it like a joke for business
00:34:10but you need to have we do every six months but you need to have men %HESITATION %HESITATION one time a year where you go away with your partner within no children children no children you go away you leave regular life and you have some time for just the
00:34:29two of you I don't care if you're just going to a hotel in your hometown because that's what you can afford or if you're going to a visa and you're living it up on a party boat but you better have some intentional time away because remember why you
00:34:44like this person in the first place you need some time where you're going to do it interesting positions that you haven't tried at home because the kids might walk and don't know you need to get away minimum one time a year so we've got a weekly check in
00:35:01an annual retreat and in the middle of that we call the quarterly review which is sitting down once a quarter this could be something you do on your date and I don't mean you have a special place but you just go Hey let's check in how were the
00:35:14last four months where we showing up like the people who want to be were showing up for our kids for our family for each other for ourselves what was working really well okay what could we have done better and how can we plan to do better in the
00:35:29next three months and you're doing it against those five things that are your values yeah right so like if three months have gone by and I'll pick one that hasn't been a thing we have to have a conversation about these people are sick of hearing but physical intimacy
00:35:43right if you go through a three month period and physical intimacy for you is an important value and for whatever reason life you have not been as intimate as you would like or you have initiated and have been turned down a few too many times and you're frustrated
00:36:01by having a conversation about it after three months of gone by we'll make the conversation unbelievably easier than letting three years go by and building it up into something that then becomes a teetering on the point of it just shortly disrupting everything from even better even better it's
00:36:20just send that weekly review but on the camera I'm getting that this weekend one hundred and I would I wouldn't say it like that necessarily but some like that can be here's the thing I will say because I during our relationship there have been times where we had
00:36:38to schedule sacks and we have little kids I didn't hire feel yeah it didn't feel as romantic in the planning I didn't like the idea and it created and our show and and momentum because once you get to have a little bit of fun you want to do
00:36:58it again yeah I do it again and all of a sudden you get back into a rhythm especially if you've fallen out of a rather yeah put it on the day in calendar yeah sorry I'm not sorry not to mail out called by a secret name yeah don't
00:37:11put on the count yeah kids see it conference call with cousin Louis I don't know literally the first thing that popped in my head whenever your code word is totally using that later so to all right well okay well if you're wondering what time in the old green
00:37:35falls off the track it's right here no here's the thing at the end of the day %HESITATION you mentioned in our show which is what made me think of this a lot of people I don't want you to hear these ideas or maybe feel like your relationship isn't
00:37:52where you want it to be I don't you hear that and feel discouraged I want you to hear that and think tank that just like one more thing that sucks or one more thing I'm not doing right that's not the point of this I think that most people
00:38:04like most people probably don't have the relationship today that they wish that they had it's not because you're doing something wrong it's usually because we get stuck in a pattern so you have like the object in motion stays in motion even when it's going in the direction you
00:38:23don't want it to go in and don't believe that lie I believe that four and a half years into our being married and we had two toddlers under two which was this is just as good as it's going to get and I'm gonna just become comfortable settling for
00:38:39this okay a relationship that was seasonal and when we came out of the cloud that was two toddlers under two and started having a different kind of conversation about what a better relationship would look like it got better and just because we have a five numbered staying and
00:39:01we're talking about quarterly reviews if that feels overwhelming start with the first conversation with one thing on the table about just wanting to have a better relationship because you deserve to have a better relationship it is possible to have a better relationship life life is too short to
00:39:21shore but life is what you choose to make it yeah and if you want to believe that good relationships are only for certain people or that you've got to be with a different partner to have a great relationship it's not it's just a line I'm sorry you can
00:39:36have a great relationship but you just gotta start by taking a step toward wanting it by being a little more intentional in how you get there guys we hope that these ideas were helpful we hope that you will bear with us as we try and navigate having a
00:39:51couple's podcast that isn't seventeen hours per episode because we're not very good at being a short and concise but it's just because we have this is on our hearts and we really wanna speak truth and hope into where you are in your journey we hope you love today's
00:40:07episode if you did be sure and subscribe to our channel so you get a new notification every single time we release new episodes every Thursday and be sure and check in on Instagram I am miss Rachel Hollis he is Mister Dave Hollis and idea mass tag yes screenshot
00:40:25today's episode and tell people Hey these fools won't shut up yeah and they schedule relations with us in that just what weird okay thanks guys

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