Full Transcript for FOUNDATION FRIDAY: Be Good To Yourself by Orison Swett Marden

00:06:22.639 And these are all things that we are in our modern world still continuing to strive for, right? 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:29.839 There is a multi-million dollar industry on personal growth and mindset and achievement and success. 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:34.879 This in itself is not unusual language to be introduced to. 00:06:35.199 --> 00:06:46.079 But as I discussed in the introduction to the audiobook, out now on the Reverse Reset Restore YouTube channel, his work was written at a time when the world was very different. 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:57.360 There was less understanding of psychology, there was less awareness of systemic barriers, and less language for trauma or mental health. 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:05.759 So some of the ideas are pretty old-fashioned, and they may be a little bit difficult to swallow. 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.879 You may not be so readily welcome to hear some of these ideas. 00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:21.279 And this is where we need to read him, like any old book or any book at all, actually, of this type of nature, with a bit of discernment. 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:31.199 Because his writing reflects both a deep belief in human potential and a strong emphasis on personal responsibility. 00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:35.040 And that is my jam personally for me. 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:53.199 I love the idea of the potentiality that all of us have within us and the capacities we have for growth, for being able to live authentically, for kindness and empathy and understanding, for intelligent conversations and critical thinking. 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:59.120 Even though the world would try on a daily basis to refute that belief. 00:07:59.279 --> 00:08:02.240 And the evidence is pretty scary at times. 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:11.199 If you get on social media, you quickly realize critical thinking skills are not very common, among other things. 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:16.319 I'm very much in line with thinking about people's potential. 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:21.839 But I also recognize that we've got our own personal accountability. 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:39.840 And those are the two things that I think have really messed us up as a society, in my view, is that a lot of us have lost this desire within ourselves to recognize our own potential or we rely heavily on other people to prop us up. 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:45.759 And we also have moved away from personal responsibility or personal accountability. 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:52.559 How many people blame everyone else but themselves for the way their lives have turned out? 00:08:53.039 --> 00:09:00.399 I think that is a bit of human nature as well, to want to pass the buck, so to speak. 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:14.240 So while not every statement in this book or every chapter you might read or listen to if you listen to the audiobook will translate cleanly into modern understanding, because some of it is okay. 00:09:14.480 --> 00:09:22.159 You've got to remember it is the language of the time, how things were seen at that time and the shifts that were being made. 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:34.240 But there is still something consistent at the core of his work, which I feel very much in tune with and that it belongs to this time and this place, this book. 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:57.759 And that is the belief that how we relate to ourselves matters, that encouragement builds capacity, that self-respect is foundational, and that we participate in some way more than we realize in the direction of our lives. 00:09:58.080 --> 00:10:06.879 So as we move into the themes of this book that we're going to talk about in this episode, it's helpful to hold both things at once. 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:16.320 The context of the time in which it was written, and the enduring relevance of the ideas underneath it. 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:19.840 So let's talk a little bit about the context. 00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:23.919 Because Be Good to Yourself was written in 1910. 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:26.320 We're talking quite a while ago. 00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:39.440 And this was written at a time where ambition and optimism and individual effort were deeply embedded in cultural thinking, especially in the American cultural context. 00:10:39.840 --> 00:10:44.799 And on the surface, this book can sound like that story. 00:10:45.120 --> 00:10:48.960 Think better, rise higher, become more. 00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:57.919 But if you sit with this book a little longer, you start to see that it's not offering one single idea here. 00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:02.080 It's offering, I think, a set of foundations. 00:11:02.879 --> 00:11:06.240 It isn't a book about becoming exceptional. 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:12.320 It's a book about really refusing to be your own demolition crew. 00:11:12.639 --> 00:11:29.200 Because no matter how capable you are, no matter how intelligent or driven, if the voice inside you is constantly criticizing, shaming, or threatening you, the structure that you're building will eventually crack. 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:36.720 You can't build something stable while simultaneously tearing it down from the inside. 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:41.679 I know, because I've tried, and it's no bueno, it's no good. 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:43.679 You want strong foundations. 00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:56.000 You need to have a strong foundational voice that is your cheerleader, that is not going to come in like a wrecking ball every five seconds, like my brain has done at times. 00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:12.159 As I mentioned earlier, there are a few themes that I want to focus on in this episode because I feel like they are particularly relevant to how we live now, and because they're the ones that continue to sit with me and percolate in my brain every day. 00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:16.879 The book has 22 chapters, all with their own themes and focus points. 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:21.200 Some are only a few pages, some are a few more pages. 00:12:21.440 -->

00:12:28.639 I will only be focusing on a few of the chapters, but I would encourage you to go and listen to the audiobook. 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:41.039 I've broken it down chapter by chapter, and I've also split it into four parts for those who want to listen a little bit longer, and that's on the Reverse Reset Restore YouTube channel. 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:48.000 So just to give you a preview of what we're going to talk about, we're going to delve into the idea of false economies. 00:12:48.240 --> 00:13:01.840 And what he means by this is the ways that we, in quotation marks, save time, money, or energy in the short term that only end up costing us far more, both financially and physically. 00:13:02.080 --> 00:13:19.840 The second topic is around leadership and personal accountability, but not as dominance or control, but as internal reliance, the ability to stand in your own capacity and take responsibility for how you show up in your life. 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:40.559 Which ties nicely into the third focus on our inner world and the distinction between discipline and self-contempt, the tone of the voice we use with ourselves, and how that either strengthens us or quietly erodes us over time. 00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:51.120 We'll talk about the healing power of nature, the divinity that surrounds us at all times, and touch on the importance of respect. 00:13:51.279 --> 00:14:04.559 Not just how we present ourselves externally with our company manners, a terminology I love, but how we show up for the people closest to us, the people we say we love. 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:09.840 Do they receive the best of us or what's left of us? 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:18.720 So rather than reading this book as a series of instructions, I want to explore it as a set of invitations. 00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:26.080 In spite of its age and its language, there are a lot of concepts in this book that feel modern. 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:30.159 You can pick up the chapters and apply it directly to our here and now. 00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:37.679 And that's what makes this book so important, because we are speaking into the truth of the human condition. 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:43.039 We can often look at the past with these rose-tinted glasses, right? 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:47.039 Or that there's some distance that cannot be bridged. 00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:56.159 But what we're going through right now is not all that different than the struggles or the challenges or the wish lists of past generations. 00:14:57.200 --> 00:15:00.639 Let's start with this idea of false economy. 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:07.679 Mardin calls it a false economy, would probably call it you get what you pay for. 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:19.840 A false economy is found in the ways we cut corners, the ways we try to do things cheaply, or how we try to save in the moment, they end up costing us far more in the long run. 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:24.399 One of the examples we could use in our modern day life

would be fast fashion. 00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:36.960 People buying things as cheaply as they possibly can get through Timu, shots fired, and that stuff wears out quickly because they're brought cheaply and they've brought cheap quality. 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:42.960 Martin actually uses this type of economization as an example. 00:15:43.360 --> 00:16:03.279 In the chapter Economy That Cost, which is chapter two, he says, Some people will waste a dollar's worth of valuable time and suffer much discomfort in visiting numerous stores looking for bargains and trying to save a few cents on some small purchase they wish to make. 00:16:03.519 --> 00:16:12.960 They will buy wearing apparel of inferior material because the price is low, although they know the article will not wear well. 00:16:13.440 --> 00:16:25.679 And then he goes on to say, and as a person who likes thrifting, or used to do a lot of thrifting in my younger life, this does feel a little bit shooting close to home. 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:31.120 He says, bargain hunters are often victims of false economy. 00:16:31.519 --> 00:16:33.759 They buy because they are cheap. 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:37.120 A great many things they do not actually need. 00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:40.639 Then they will tell you how much they have saved. 00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:54.080 If they would reckon up what they have expended in a year, they would generally find that they have spent more than if they'd only brought what they actually wanted when they needed it and had paid the regular price for it. 00:16:54.399 --> 00:17:09.680 He then talks about especially people who have a mania for attending auctions and buying all sorts of stuff that maybe doesn't necessarily match anything that they have or they're just constantly filling their life with things. 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:15.279 Then he says, then they never get the first best wear of anything. 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:22.559 These second hand things are often just on the point of giving out and constantly need repairing. 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:31.200 Beds break down, legs come off arrows, casters are always coming out, and something is going to pieces all the time. 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:36.160 This foolish buying is the worst kind of extravagance. 00:17:36.480 --> 00:17:43.519 Quality, durability should be the first considerations in buying anything for constant use. 00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:49.359 Yet many people keep themselves poor by buying cheap articles which do not last. 00:17:49.759 --> 00:18:02.799 Now I have to say I have been the type of person that has brought stuff, whether it's clothing, whether it's things that I've needed for my house, on the cheap because that's really all that I could afford. 00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:12.559 I literally furnished a house when I was living in Connecticut that was basically furnished completely from furniture that we found off the street. 00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:19.759 I lugged and hauled huge bits of rickety furniture that I repainted and fixed up. 00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:22.160 I actually couldn't afford anything else. 00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:27.359 He's not talking about that type of situation in the context here. 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:40.319 He's talking about people who can actually afford to buy firsthand, but choose not to, not because they're trying to be like I'm also part of a recycling, pass it-on type of group on Facebook. 00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:50.000 There's a few groups that I belong to of that nature, which is about reusing, reducing waste, recycling things that are still got some life in them. 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:56.559 Again, we're not talking about those types of people or those sort of situations. 00:18:56.880 --> 00:19:11.599 What he's saying here is that people who can afford to actually go and buy firsthand brand new items of good quality, especially clothing, I think is a really good example with fast fashion being what it is. 00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:27.200 He's saying that economizing for the sake of saving a buck when you end up having to spend more because you're constantly using things that are on their very last legs may not be the deal that you think or the bargain that you think that you're getting. 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:33.359 And I think fast fashion for me personally seems like a really good way to make an understanding of this. 00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:41.279 I know that I've brought things cheaply at cheaper stores to wear because it was$10 or it was$20. 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:45.839 And that's fine as well, because sometimes you want stuff like that, you're like, I'm gonna wear it around the house. 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:49.200 It doesn't matter if it gets stains or whatever, I'm gonna do it for running, it doesn't matter. 00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:51.440 Like those types of things I don't care about. 00:19:51.599 --> 00:20:02.960 But ultimately, especially if you know that you're gonna spend$60 or$100 on the same type of thing for a brand name, that's the other false economy, I think, that happens. 00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:05.039 It's about finding the right balance. 00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:18.160 Being good to yourself is actually not thinking that you're getting a bargain when you're actually hurting your pocket further down the line because that bargain stops working within a few days or a few weeks or even a month. 00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:29.440 It's about looking at what you're expending, what you can afford to expend, and going, actually, if I buy the brand new car, I'm going to get X amount of years out of it, hopefully. 00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:40.400 Whereas if I buy that run-down thing that still needs a warrant and it needs all these things to be fixed on it, but I can get someone to do that, that may end up costing you a lot in the long run. 00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:44.960 One of the clearest examples Mardin gives us is in food. 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:53.200 And he writes, No ambitious person can afford to feed his brain

with poor diet or wrong fuel. 00:20:53.599 --> 00:20:59.680 Never cheat your body or brain by the quality and quantity of your food. 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:08.720 Poor, cheap food, which produces low vitality and inferior brain force, is the worst kind of economy. 00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:26.559 Now again, the language is of its time, but the principle underneath is incredibly relevant because this isn't about ambition, it's about energy, it's about capacity, it's about what you are building your life with. 00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:38.160 And I think we often think of nourishment, whether it's food or it's rest or it's time or the way that we might self-care, as an optional thing. 00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:44.880 And sometimes as something that we can minimize or that we can worry about later. 00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:49.519 Something that we'll invest in down the road when push comes to shove. 00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:56.720 I don't know how many times I've said, I'll sleep when I'm dead, to downplay a lack of sleep. 00:21:57.039 --> 00:22:00.880 But what Martin is pointing to is Is this. 00:22:01.359 --> 00:22:11.599 When you under resource yourself, you reduce your ability to function, to think, to decide, to create, to respond. 00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:20.799 You end up responding maybe in a lower plane of yourself rather than the higher plane that you could be. 00:22:21.039 --> 00:22:25.039 And then everything just becomes harder or slower. 00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:31.039 And we have to apply more effort, and in my case, more coffee, to keep things going. 00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:37.599 We might not call it brain force anymore, but let's put it into language that we would understand. 00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:50.880 So we understand blood sugar impacts mood and focus, nutrition impacts cognition, sleep impacts decision making, chronic depletion impacts everything. 00:22:51.200 --> 00:23:06.720 So when we save money, time or effort by skipping proper meals or choosing convenience over nourishment or running on empty or pushing through exhaustion, we're not actually being efficient, okay? 00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:09.279 Let me just be very clear. 00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:13.119 We are not being smart or clever or efficient. 00:23:13.359 --> 00:23:17.119 We're actually being under resourced. 00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:19.440 And that's the false economy. 00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:25.200 We are saving in one place only to pay for it somewhere else. 00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:31.920 In fatigue and irritability and poor decisions and burnout. 00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:39.759 While I was recording the audiobook of Be Good to Yourself, I was suffering from a chronic toothache. 00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:46.799 And in true Sally fashion, I initially just added it to the list of things I need to sort out later. 00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:52.079 But toothache, if you've ever had it, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about here. 00:23:52.240 --> 00:23:55.039 It is not a wallflower, right? 00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:58.720 Tooth pain can be all consuming. 00:23:58.880 --> 00:24:03.279 It'll wake you up from a sound sleep, just so you know it can't be avoided. 00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:08.559 It will turn your head inside out, demanding your attention. 00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:10.160 Like a toddler. 00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:15.599 Ignorance is no option when pain exists. 00:24:16.319 --> 00:24:25.119 But because I am so used to being in pain, I just tend to carry on like the good little South Martyr I am. 00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:33.599 So, anyway, I'm recording this book for the YouTube channel and reading Martin's words about being good to yourself and false economies. 00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:36.720 And I had this thought. 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:45.599 All this denial of pain and putting it off because of money and time, that is not being good to myself. 00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:48.559 I am causing my own suffering. 00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:56.799 And I'm letting money and time and I'll just suck it out be the reason why. 00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:59.279 Why am I doing this? 00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:05.440 Why am I refusing to be good to myself by getting this sorted? 00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:09.039 I can't sit here and talk about change and self-care. 00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:13.920 And I'm literally reading a book entitled Be Good to Yourself. 00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:16.960 And I'm not living these wise words. 00:25:17.440 --> 00:25:24.480 Being good to yourself means going to the dentist and getting this tooth sorted, Sally. 00:25:24.960 --> 00:25:30.960 So now, thank you to this book for giving me the come on, girl, get it together. 00:25:31.279 --> 00:25:34.160 I'm in the process of a root canal. 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:44.000 And unfortunately, because I have tried the false economies over the last few years, I have put off getting my teeth sorted properly. 00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:59.519 And I'm now going to be paying a bigger price because I need to get other teeth now sorted that if I had just kept on top of it when they started to be a problem a few years ago, I wouldn't be in the position I am now. 00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:04.799 So yes, I know dental care is ridiculously expensive. 00:26:05.200 --> 00:26:07.680 It's scarily expensive. 00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:14.960 But it's even more expensive now for me because I practiced a false economy. 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.400 I made it not a priority. 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:25.680 I had workarounds to manage what was going on in my mouth, and things would calm down and I would leave it be. 00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:32.960 I think that this is the perfect example, practical example of a false economy. 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.160 This is a foundational instruction. 00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:39.759 You cannot build a steady life on unstable fuel. 00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:41.039 You wouldn't run your car. 00:26:41.200 --> 00:26:48.240 If your car needs petrol or gas, and you put in diesel, you're gonna have a problem,

right? 00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:49.680 It's not gonna work well. 00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:52.640 You can't use unstable fuel in your car. 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.640 You cannot think clearly when your system's depleted. 00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:03.680 You cannot lead yourself well when your basic needs are constantly being compromised. 00:27:03.839 --> 00:27:06.079 And you're the one compromising them. 00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:11.279 This is where it connects directly to the core message of this book. 00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:31.680 Being good to yourself is not indulgence, it's not excess, it's not luxury, it's not selfishness or self-centeredness, it's not being a narcissist, it's not being full of yourself, as we might say in New Zealand or Australia, or up yourself. 00:27:32.079 --> 00:27:49.279 It's about refusing to under resource yourself in ways that quietly weaken your capacity and thus your authenticity, your ability to show up and be present in your life as the person you were designed to be. 00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:53.680 Deprivation is not discipline, okay? 00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:59.359 And underfueling yourself is not strength. 00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:05.839 And that is the bullshit that we've been told that we've been fed. 00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:07.119 It's a lie. 00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:17.200 And using the example of my teeth, sometimes the most expensive choice is the one that looks cheapest in the moment. 00:28:17.519 --> 00:28:24.960 So for me that meant putting off or doing the bare minimum to get my teeth through that moment. 00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:38.000 Was cheap at the time, but now has become more expensive because if I had paid to get my tooth fixed when it needed to be originally, it wouldn't have needed a root canal, right? 00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:43.279 I probably could have got away with a filling and solve some of the problems. 00:28:43.519 --> 00:29:01.279 So where in your life, and I'm gonna ask you this to make myself feel less alone in my own false economizations here, where in your life are you choosing the cheaper option that is quietly costing you more? 00:29:01.599 --> 00:29:05.119 Okay, let's chew on that quietly, pun intended. 00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:12.559 While the book moves into something that feels like a different conversation, but is actually still very much connected. 00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:15.759 And I'll talk about how in a minute. 00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:18.559 I want to discuss leadership. 00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:21.440 What does that word mean to you? 00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:32.240 When we tend to think of leaders, instinctively I think a lot of us think about the leaders who have been part of our lives, in whatever form that might be. 00:29:32.480 --> 00:29:34.160 So what does that word mean to you? 00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:38.079 Power, domination, authority. 00:29:38.799 --> 00:29:46.799 We've all encountered those types of leaders, and I use that word very loosely in how they operate. 00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:50.880 But I love how Marden reframes it in this book. 00:29:51.039 --> 00:30:01.920 He writes, we want our young people to depend upon themselves to develop their individuality, their originality, their power of initiative. 00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:11.680 And you could take that and go, oh, that's a call to be forceful or to dominate or to rise above others, but that's not what's being described here. 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:23.039 He's speaking really about developing your individuality, your originality, your own initiative, kind of as an education of yourself. 00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:43.680 And he refers to education as unfoldment, calling out the possibilities within a person, not forcing someone else's ideals or expectations, and not comparing yourself to other people or not imitating, which is what we see so much of in the world. 00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:49.279 In chapter 13, don't let your past spoil your future. 00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:53.279 Even though that's talking about other topics. 00:30:53.519 --> 00:31:02.160 There is a section in here that can be related really well back to this idea of personal internal leadership, personal integrity. 00:31:02.319 --> 00:31:16.720 And he says people do not realize how rapidly vitality is wasted in friction, in worry and anxiety, is harsh, discordant notes which destroy the harmony of life. 00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:25.119 How many completely exhaust themselves in needless worrying and bickering over things which are not worthwhile? 00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:49.519 How many burn up their life force in giving way to a hot temper, in quibbling over trifles, in bargain hunting, in systemless work in a hundred ways when a little thought and attention to the delicate human instrument on which they are playing would prevent all this attrition and keep the instrument in splendid tune. 00:31:49.839 --> 00:32:00.960 That obviously is where he's talking about the idea of don't worry about things that have happened, because you can't change the things that have already happened. 00:32:01.039 --> 00:32:03.279 There's no way to go back and correct those things. 00:32:03.440 --> 00:32:15.359 But how much time and effort we spend frittering away our peace because we've caught up on replaying things from the past or worrying about things that may or may not happen. 00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:23.039 And I'm guilty of this, definitely guilty of this, and I've definitely been feeling this way with the state of the world. 00:32:23.279 --> 00:32:33.839 And social media for me has some days I can handle it really well, and other days it just does make me fret and worry and get me grumbly and upset. 00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:41.839 And pain makes me get annoyed with things that lowers my capacity to function to the best of my ability. 00:32:42.160 --> 00:32:54.000 And obviously, he's using this as a framework for how we worry ourselves, but I won't apply it to this idea of internal leadership because it also is very relevant.

00:32:54.240 --> 00:33:04.880 If we are spending a lot of time freaking out about stuff or worrying about something or having a lot of anxiety or even rage, which may be the case. 00:33:05.039 --> 00:33:06.400 It's been the case for me. 00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:11.279 I have a lot of rage in myself about things that are going on in the world. 00:33:11.519 --> 00:33:26.559 And I feel almost this like anger towards people who don't seem to be as enraged at clear injustices or use the excuse of, oh, it's not in my country, it's not happening to me, it's not I'm not directly impacted by it. 00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:35.279 And I'm like, but we're humans, of course we're directly impacted, like we are collectively a species here that are hurting each other. 00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:38.240 There is a time and place for rage, I believe. 00:33:38.480 --> 00:34:11.599 But what this particular quote that has been rolling around in my head is the idea that this is also in direct relationship to how I foster this sense of internal leadership, who I am and who I want to be, and having authority over my own life and my own choices and the way I represent myself to the world and the way I am with those around closest to me and who I am when I'm by myself. 00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:18.400 So I wanted to share it in the context of like, how are you looking at things? 00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:22.320 How do you waste your vitality? 00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:44.559 How do you spend your energy creating disharmony basically, which destroys your capacity to function well and negate the authority that you have over your own existence by maneuvering through the world out of that sort of baseline reality. 00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:58.159 When we are in leadership of ourselves, we are organized, we are mindful of who it is that we want to be, but how we also want to lead our own lives. 00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:11.519 And I think if you're going to be wanting to be a leader, a good leader, in my opinion, is someone who takes leadership as an internal responsibility, not just an external role. 00:35:11.760 --> 00:35:17.440 Leadership he is referring to is this internal reliance. 00:35:17.760 --> 00:35:19.920 This is not about domination. 00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:37.199 I think this matters, particularly now, because we are living in a time where cruelty is being mistaken for strength, where loudness is mistaken for leadership, and where domination is viewed as powerful. 00:35:37.519 --> 00:35:45.760 Put a wheel on the world and spin it around and almost anywhere we would land would show this type of leadership in action. 00:35:45.920 --> 00:35:54.719 But in my opinion, and I think and what Marden is expressing in the depth of this book is that isn't leadership at all. 00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:59.039 At least not in the way Marden has challenged me to think about it. 00:35:59.440 --> 00:36:10.320 Leadership in its truest, most pure form, is not about mastering others, it is about self-mastery. 00:36:10.559 --> 00:36:17.440 It is the ability to stand in your own capacity without needing to diminish anyone else. 00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:22.559 And if I look at some of the current world leaders, I don't see leadership. 00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:24.239 I see lack. 00:36:24.480 --> 00:36:27.519 I see fear parading as force. 00:36:27.760 --> 00:36:32.159 I see self-hatred masquerading as strength. 00:36:32.400 --> 00:36:45.199 Leaders who are at war with themselves so much that their need to impose their will, their insecurities and their fears on others is almost pathological. 00:36:46.159 --> 00:36:59.599 But the kind of leadership, quiet, grounded, internally stable that Mardin is talking about in this book is far more powerful than anything driven by fear. 00:36:59.920 --> 00:37:04.559 Because it's the opposite of where fear sits, right? 00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:25.599 That kind of authentic self-mastery leadership builds trust, it builds stability, it builds something that lasts, and it's not driven by ego or insecurity or hatred, which by the way are all actually deeply rooted in fear. 00:37:25.920 --> 00:37:39.360 To be able to depend upon ourselves to develop our individuality, our originality, our own power of initiative is the leadership that shapes the world for good. 00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:51.360 Can you imagine just how powerful and incredible and wonderful this world would be if that was the way each of us approached our own lives? 00:37:51.599 --> 00:38:07.679 And when we cultivate leadership as originality, as authenticity, and move away from the idea or need to control others or force our will, I think it opens up natural opportunities to lead other people. 00:38:07.840 --> 00:38:22.000 And in my own experiences, both as a leader and as someone who's been led, leading by example is far more powerful and effective than leading through domination or fear. 00:38:22.880 --> 00:38:41.199 I want to turn our attention now back to our inner world, our inner environment, and how we build this environment in the language that we use, that what we speak over ourselves, whether we say it out loud or we think it. 00:39:19.039 --> 00:39:22.159 And hey, I agree with this ideology. 00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:30.400 I have lived experience with the power of changing my thoughts and the differences it's made in my life. 00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:37.199 My self-talk habits, for example, are wildly different now than they used to be. 00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:57.280 I used to refer to myself as a an aliphopotomus, a ho and an elephant combined, in a derogatory manner, especially to those amazing creatures, but in a derogatory manner to myself, referring to my displeasure at being overweight and putting it into those terms is not healthy and not helpful. 00:39:57.440 --> 00:40:01.280 But I've managed to over the years change that narrative. 00:40:01.519 --> 00:40:09.280 But there's another narrative that comes out of this industry of the change your thoughts

thinking group. 00:40:09.519 --> 00:40:21.360 That I can think myself thin, or that if I just say enough affirmations, telling my body I love it, it will change to be what I really want it to be. 00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:25.599 And that's not really what affirmations are designed to do. 00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:38.000 In my opinion, the reason affirmations can work is because it changes the language that you use and it helps you develop a different mindset and a different way of looking at the world. 00:40:38.159 --> 00:40:48.159 And then it gives you opportunities where it opens things up because your mind is healthier and you're able to make better choices and things like that potentially. 00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:54.960 So I know that words have power and powerful words shape and change lives. 00:40:55.280 --> 00:40:58.159 And that's been the truth for my own life. 00:40:58.480 --> 00:41:14.719 So I'm standing a little bit on the edge of contradicting myself here a little bit because I do 100% know and believe and have seen enough of myself that if you change your thoughts, you will change your life. 00:41:15.039 --> 00:41:25.360 But it's also not as simple as saying words and seeing the results, like we all wish we would see would happen quickly when we're facing a challenge in our lives. 00:41:25.599 --> 00:41:39.119 So I do want to be a little bit careful here because while I believe in the change your thoughts, change your life ethos, I also understand that our lives are shaped by far more than our thoughts. 00:41:39.280 --> 00:41:46.400 They are shaped by external sources that we don't necessarily have all full control over. 00:41:46.639 --> 00:41:48.639 We can control our thoughts. 00:41:48.800 --> 00:41:51.760 And by controlling our thoughts, we change our life. 00:41:51.920 --> 00:42:08.159 But we've also got to factor in things like biology, environment, relationships, trauma, opportunities, or missed opportunities or lack of opportunities, especially if you're a person of color in places in this world. 00:42:08.400 --> 00:42:11.679 These are real forces that we contend with. 00:42:12.159 --> 00:42:14.079 I've got an autoimmune disorder. 00:42:14.239 --> 00:42:16.159 I've got chronic health problems. 00:42:16.480 --> 00:42:23.679 Me trying to will myself or give myself positive thinking hasn't changed my body. 00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:33.599 It hasn't magically, I haven't woken up and these 40 pounds have gone and I've no more back or neck pain or shoulder pain or whatever pain I'm feeling on the day. 00:42:33.760 --> 00:42:38.079 And I think I had this concept, that's how it was going to work. 00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:54.320 That I would just magically wake up having done a lot of self-healing work and a lot of reflection and a lot of trauma-informed therapy, and that magically my body would just go, cool, sweet, let go, and it everything would be fine. 00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:58.559 And it hasn't worked for me, and sometimes that does my head

in, not gonna lie. 00:42:58.880 --> 00:43:01.760 But influence is not the same as fault. 00:43:02.320 --> 00:43:06.559 What is around me is not necessarily to blame. 00:43:06.800 --> 00:43:13.119 Even my thoughts are not necessarily the chains that keep me confined to certain things, right? 00:43:13.199 --> 00:43:15.119 There's a lot of things that happen. 00:43:15.440 --> 00:43:21.840 But what we do participate in is the tone of our inner environment. 00:43:22.000 --> 00:43:25.199 That's where we have the control because that tone matters. 00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:34.079 So that's where that change comes from within, which I always open reverse, reset, restore podcast episodes with, except for Foundation Fridays. 00:43:34.400 --> 00:43:36.079 Change comes from within. 00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:39.920 If I want my life to be different, I have to make the changes. 00:43:40.159 --> 00:43:44.079 And that change starts from an internal perspective. 00:43:44.320 --> 00:43:50.480 And so the language that we use, the tone that we set matters. 00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:55.280 The things that we say to ourselves absolutely has an impact. 00:43:55.519 --> 00:43:59.760 If you wake up and you're in a bad mood and you carry that bad mood. 00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:05.199 Throughout the rest of the day, that's not a good way to be experiencing your life, right? 00:44:05.440 --> 00:44:08.480 You can also choose a different way of being. 00:44:08.800 --> 00:44:11.920 So not only what you say, but how you say it. 00:44:12.159 --> 00:44:20.559 If you're just sitting there going, oh, I love and approve myself, I love and approve myself, but you don't believe it, it's probably not going to have much effect. 00:44:20.800 --> 00:44:25.440 And if you don't see results, it can be really discouraging to keep on with that work. 00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:31.199 But I can just tell you, I haven't seen results, but I'm still doing the work because you know what? 00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:50.159 I'm damn well going to love myself no matter what shape I'm in, no matter how frustrated I get or how upset I become or how enraged I can feel at times with the way that my body is unresponsive to the message I'm trying to share. 00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:56.639 Getting angry doesn't help that relationship that I'm trying to reaffirm with who I am. 00:44:56.960 --> 00:44:59.519 Encouragement builds capacity. 00:44:59.760 --> 00:45:05.360 Encouragement builds a space for change, for growth, for healing to come. 00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:07.679 Contempt erodes it. 00:45:07.760 --> 00:45:13.280 So if I approach my body in anger, it's going to respond like to like. 00:45:13.440 --> 00:45:14.400 It really is. 00:45:14.719 --> 00:45:18.880 I'm constantly having to be like, I love, I accept you. 00:45:19.039 --> 00:45:22.880 Even though I am struggling right now, I'm just being honest with you. 00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:27.280 I'm really angry that you're in pain and that you're making me suffer. 00:45:27.519 --> 00:45:29.199 But I don't want to be angry with you. 00:45:29.280 --> 00:45:30.159 I want to love you. 00:45:30.400 --> 00:45:32.559 I choose to love you. 00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:36.320 I choose to respect and honor you right now. 00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:37.519 What can I do? 00:45:37.679 --> 00:45:46.400 What can I give you, body, to give you some comfort, to give you some peace, to give you the reassurance that I love you just as you are. 00:45:46.559 --> 00:45:50.639 And if you do not change, just as you shall be. 00:45:51.039 --> 00:46:10.159 And that's the key here, at least it's been for me, is to let go of that desire and that need and that expectation and that demand and that belligerence at times that comes over me because I get so frustrated that things are not moving at a pace I want it to. 00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:15.679 Instead, just having to let go of that ego, let go of that, and just be like, you know what? 00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:20.400 No matter what, you still show up for me, body, every day. 00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:40.480 Even if the days are sometimes hard and the pain is real and it's like it sucks, you're still here, you're still with it, you're still making my arms and legs move and keeping my heart beating and my brain is running and all these amazing processes I don't have to think twice about because you just do the work. 00:46:40.719 --> 00:46:48.480 And if I can appreciate you for doing what you need to do to keep me going, man, I'm gonna do it because it's worth it. 00:46:48.719 --> 00:46:49.679 And you know what? 00:46:49.840 --> 00:46:52.559 If I carry extra weight, I carry extra weight. 00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:53.840 Who cares? 00:46:54.000 --> 00:46:56.239 I'm gonna love you anyway. 00:46:56.480 --> 00:47:08.079 I'm not gonna shame you, I'm not gonna be contemptible about it, I'm gonna continue to build into this relationship that I've wanted to re-establish with my body. 00:47:08.320 --> 00:47:16.320 And it's slow work and it's painful work and it's frustrating work at time, but it's worth it because I'm worth it and my body is worth it. 00:47:16.559 --> 00:47:24.880 And this kind of comes back to the idea that you cannot build something stable while constantly tearing it down from the inside. 00:47:25.039 --> 00:47:38.800 If I'm trying to do something and then it's not working the way I want to do, and I'm tearing it down by the language I use to speak to myself or the feelings that I put on myself and my partner says, Oh, what's your cortisol peoples? 00:47:39.199 --> 00:47:40.719 Those sorts of things. 00:47:41.039 --> 00:47:43.840 Opposing forces are happening. 00:47:44.079 --> 00:47:48.159 You can correct yourself without condemnation. 00:47:48.400 --> 00:47:56.480 And the difference between those two things is the difference between building or dismantling your own foundations. 00:47:56.639 --> 00:48:01.360 So that's something that I've been really working towards personally in my life. 00:48:01.599 -->

00:48:10.079 Because I've become so much more aware that I have for many years tied the sense of shame to myself. 00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:15.280 So stress and shame were very closely associated for me. 00:48:15.840 --> 00:48:29.519 And that is basically what I'm really describing is this chronic stress, and it's a system that's under pressure, my mind is under attack, my body cannot settle. 00:48:29.920 --> 00:48:35.199 And you can't do good work when you feel like you're constantly being undermined. 00:48:35.840 --> 00:48:41.440 You can't heal if you're feeling like you're in battles all the time. 00:48:41.599 --> 00:48:53.920 And you can't come to a place of peace if you are constantly fighting conflict and criticism, even if that conflict and criticism is your own voice. 00:48:54.159 --> 00:48:57.679 Which brings me to the next point I want to make. 00:48:57.840 --> 00:49:06.159 And this is like a follow-on through how we are good to ourselves, how that outplays to how we are good to others. 00:49:06.400 --> 00:49:11.119 And that's really the quieter thread that runs through this book. 00:49:11.440 --> 00:49:17.440 How we treat others is an extension of how we treat ourselves. 00:49:17.679 --> 00:49:28.320 So if we treat ourselves well with a true love and respect and value for who we are, then that's naturally going to extend to other people. 00:49:28.639 --> 00:49:30.639 And that's not in a performative way. 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:37.679 He talks about this idea of company manners, how we behave around other people compared to when we're at home. 00:49:37.920 --> 00:49:45.039 When we're at home, we let our guard down, we let it all hang out, we basically can be a true version of ourselves. 00:49:45.280 --> 00:50:01.599 But what's interesting to me, and he repeats this in several of the chapters in this book, is really about how you put on your best manners for other people outside of your home who are in your workplace or thing like that, and then you come home and you treat the people in your home like garbage. 00:50:01.920 --> 00:50:05.440 This is something that I've been guilty of myself. 00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:24.159 I have the best Sally available to everybody else, and then I come home and my darling partner gets the worst Sally, the depleted Sally, the Sally that is done with her company manners for the day and just wants to be her smallest self. 00:50:24.400 --> 00:50:42.800 And so one of the things that really has been pressed upon me through reading this book is that it's really easy to offer patience and presence to our colleagues and to our bosses and to clients and to strangers and people on the train and the guy that gives me my coffee in the morning. 00:50:43.039 --> 00:50:46.880 We bring out our best self into public spaces. 00:50:47.119 --> 00:50:51.760 But the challenge for me has been to recognise what do the people closest to me receive? 00:50:51.920 --> 00:50:56.800 And in particular, I'm talking specifically about my partner who I live with. 00:50:57.039 --> 00:51:05.679 Does he experience my respect, my attention, my care, or does he carry the weight of what's left after everything else? 00:51:05.920 --> 00:51:11.519 And some days we are going to be completely depleted and we won't have much to offer. 00:51:11.840 --> 00:51:17.280 But being good to yourself is not separate to how you are with others. 00:51:17.440 --> 00:51:28.559 Because when you're internally resourced steadily and you're not in constant conflict with yourself, you then have more capacity to bring something meaningful into your relationships. 00:51:28.639 --> 00:51:37.599 And that's not about being perfect, but it is about being present and it is about offering them the best version of you as well. 00:51:37.760 --> 00:51:53.039 That the company manners isn't just available to those once you've left your home, but that they extend to your partner, they extend to your siblings and your children and your cousins and your grandparents and your mother and your father and your friends. 00:51:53.199 --> 00:51:56.960 You know, that they get the best of you as well, not just the dregs. 00:51:57.360 --> 00:52:10.320 And so that's been something that every time I don't give my company manners to my partner now, I'm very consciously aware of like, oh, I just gave him the dregs. 00:52:10.480 --> 00:52:11.760 And I don't want to give him that. 00:52:11.840 --> 00:52:14.000 I want him to have the very best of me. 00:52:14.239 --> 00:52:15.679 That's important to me. 00:52:15.840 --> 00:52:16.960 He's worth it. 00:52:17.199 --> 00:52:18.159 And I'm worth it. 00:52:18.320 --> 00:52:31.920 Being good to myself is also being good to my partner, is also extending kindness and love and empathy and fun and infusing a sense of delight into our house. 00:52:32.079 --> 00:52:36.239 Not bringing home the stress of and worries of work. 00:52:36.559 --> 00:52:38.000 Leaving that at the door. 00:52:38.320 --> 00:52:40.639 Martin suggests leave it at the office. 00:52:40.719 --> 00:52:42.159 Don't bring it home with you. 00:52:42.400 --> 00:52:53.920 And I can't remember who, but I remember years ago hearing a story about someone suggesting before you get in your door, you hang up your worries on the tree outside your house. 00:52:54.320 --> 00:52:59.519 I think the actual analogy was that they left their work bag outside. 00:52:59.679 --> 00:53:01.119 It did not come into the house. 00:53:01.280 --> 00:53:07.760 Obviously, we wouldn't do that now because most of our work bags have expensive items like laptops and whatnot in them. 00:53:07.920 --> 00:53:26.719 But the concept is, even if you can do it from a mental standpoint, before you open your front door and you walk in, mentally hang up your worries, your work woes, your disappointments and frustrations from the day, whatever that may look like. 00:53:26.880 --> 00:53:27.920 Hang it up outside. 00:53:28.000 --> 00:53:29.679 Don't bring it inside with you.

00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:41.519 Let joy and delight and fun and adventure and passion and you know, all the good things that make us feel invigorated. 00:53:41.760 --> 00:53:44.559 Let that be the things that you bring into your home. 00:53:44.800 --> 00:53:48.639 Don't carry the worries that don't belong there inside with you. 00:53:48.800 --> 00:53:54.960 And I know this is a challenge, and some days I'm really able to do this, and some days I fail massively. 00:53:55.199 --> 00:53:56.159 Same with my partner. 00:53:56.320 --> 00:54:04.239 Some days he comes in and especially because he bikes to and from work, and sometimes it's very dangerous. 00:54:04.559 --> 00:54:21.440 Close calls, or you have pedestrians who just because they're phone zombies, so their heads are in their phones and they're not even paying attention and they've got headphones on so they don't even hear, they don't look around, they're not proactively looking at who else might exist in the world around them. 00:54:21.599 --> 00:54:33.760 And he's had a lot of near misses with cars, he's had very aggressive people that think he shouldn't be where he's allowed to be because it would be completely unsafe for him to be on that particular road. 00:54:33.920 --> 00:54:39.280 So he comes in and his he's upset and maybe aggrieved or whatever and that comes out. 00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:43.360 And then it's like this uh feeling that sits over me. 00:54:43.599 --> 00:54:47.119 And so the idea here, what he's saying is your company manners. 00:54:47.280 --> 00:55:03.039 Think about if you're not bringing your best to your partner, if you're bringing all your worries or your frustrations or your like spent energy, you're just depleting the other person or the other members of your family, those that live with you, they're going to feel that, right? 00:55:03.199 --> 00:55:11.199 We've all walked into a room somewhere where people have had a fight or something, and you're going, okay, that this is very full-on energy in here. 00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:13.440 Like the energy is not cool. 00:55:13.840 --> 00:55:17.039 Why are we bringing it into our houses when we don't need to? 00:55:17.360 --> 00:55:32.000 My latest challenge is to be like much more mindful of what energy is it that I want to bring back into my house and how can I be good to myself by ensuring that I'm good to those around me. 00:55:32.239 --> 00:55:35.199 That's just a little weird sort of aside. 00:55:35.440 --> 00:55:44.719 I don't know why I I just feel like maybe someone else needs to be reminded too that we're allowed to be human and we're allowed to be pissed off about things. 00:55:44.800 --> 00:55:47.920 Like that is the reality of existing. 00:55:48.079 --> 00:55:50.559 There are things that are gonna upset us and annoy us. 00:55:50.800 --> 00:56:01.679 To be good to ourselves means that we don't let the people that we love or that we claim to love wear that pain or wear that shame or wear that frustration. 00:56:01.920 --> 00:56:06.159 And that is a challenge for me personally. 00:56:06.400 --> 00:56:11.599 And I'm assuming that I'm probably not alone in this challenge either. 00:56:11.760 --> 00:56:24.960 Maybe if this is something that you can relate to, hit me up with a comment or something so that I know that that I'm not just out here blowing in the wind by myself, but that it's something that you've experienced for yourself as well. 00:56:25.119 --> 00:56:28.320 And this is something, like I say, we're all works in progress. 00:56:28.400 --> 00:56:30.880 And it's something that takes time. 00:56:30.960 --> 00:56:33.280 It's not an immediate change. 00:56:33.920 --> 00:56:42.000 But as we proactively recognize these things and pull ourselves up when we're doing it and go, oh, you know what? 00:56:42.320 --> 00:56:45.760 I just had a really bad attitude about that and I shouldn't have. 00:56:45.840 --> 00:57:00.960 Or I use pain sometimes as a justification, more bluntly as an excuse for why my tone might be sharp or I might get frustrated about something because I'm just like I'm not in the mood because everything is pain. 00:57:01.199 --> 00:57:06.559 That's not helpful to my partner, and it's not helpful to me, and it's not been good to either of us. 00:57:06.719 --> 00:57:21.760 So this book is really challenging that narrative for me personally, and it's really making me reflect on the areas where I bring my a game to every other person in my life, but the one that I live with some days. 00:57:21.920 --> 00:57:24.639 Not all the time, definitely not all the time. 00:57:25.039 --> 00:57:36.400 But being a lot more aware of it and not just excusing it or justifying it, but going actually, yeah, there might be some justification here at times, but it doesn't mean that's still okay. 00:57:36.639 --> 00:57:39.679 And you know, what can in correcting myself. 00:57:40.159 --> 00:57:44.000 And it's hard, ugly work, some of this stuff. 00:57:44.159 --> 00:57:54.800 Like actually sitting down and being honest and going, ooh, that's a really ugly trait that I have, or that's a re not even a trait, just habit. 00:57:54.960 --> 00:58:00.400 It's a habit that I've adopted at some point as a protective measure, sometimes. 00:58:00.559 --> 00:58:02.960 Like you react for different things, right? 00:58:03.280 --> 00:58:08.079 But recognizing, oh actually, that wasn't justified reaction. 00:58:08.239 --> 00:58:16.320 There was no need for me to expend my energy in such a way, this person deserves the best of me. 00:58:16.639 --> 00:58:19.199 And then making those efforts. 00:58:19.440 --> 00:58:32.480 And then what happens, just like there when you change your thoughts that we were talking about before, and as you make this a habit to recognise, oh, I've stuffed up here or I've done something or I've thought this thought again. 00:58:32.719 --> 00:58:34.800 Again, it's not about shame. 00:58:35.039 --> 00:58:44.960 It's not coming from a place of shame,

it's not scolding yourself, it's not making yourself feel like you're a terrible person. 00:58:45.280 --> 00:58:53.440 It's recognizing, oh, I came from a place which wasn't the best of me there and I need to work on that, and it's okay. 00:58:53.840 --> 00:58:57.519 And give yourself some grace to move through that as well. 00:58:57.599 --> 00:59:12.320 Because I know for me, shame has been a big part of my personal battles, and it's definitely hand in hand with stress response when I feel like I've not done something well at work, for example, or whatever it is in my life. 00:59:12.480 --> 00:59:24.159 I've always felt like this explosive pressure and stress, but also a sense of shame, a sense that I've let someone down, and that comes from being a recovering people pleaser. 00:59:24.320 --> 00:59:31.039 So that's something that I will maybe I'll battle for the rest of my days, maybe I'll get over it by next week, who knows? 00:59:31.280 --> 00:59:44.480 But I think recognizing that when you are conscious of things that you can change to make your life better and to make other people's lives better, then we have the obligation and the responsibility. 00:59:44.559 --> 00:59:56.159 And that's where coming into that personal accountability and responsibility about ourselves, and that is a big part and parcel of how we should represent ourselves in the world. 00:59:56.320 --> 01:00:00.079 It comes a little bit to that personal accountability. 01:00:00.239 --> 01:00:06.559 It's really a sense of discipline minus the self-serving of self-contempt. 01:00:06.800 --> 01:00:11.519 We've been raised to believe that harshness is what drives growth, right? 01:00:11.679 --> 01:00:17.280 If you're not hard on yourself, that you're gonna fall behind and pressure equals progress. 01:00:17.840 --> 01:00:21.280 This is the way our world has been designed. 01:00:21.519 --> 01:00:34.480 That discipline is rooted in this sort of self-contempt, but not only is it unstable, it's unrealistic, and it's definitely not the way that we can be good to ourselves. 01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:49.280 Sure, it might produce short bursts of effort, it might produce some really good outcomes at times, but as a foundation mechanism, it's not sustainable, it doesn't sustain growth that is is worthy. 01:00:49.519 --> 01:01:01.599 If you're constantly being hard on yourself, the self-hatred or self-contempt because you're failing or you're not measuring up or you have to fight, or you're at loggerheads with yourself. 01:01:01.920 --> 01:01:09.599 So just a reminder for you, for me, that you can correct yourself without condemning yourself. 01:01:09.840 --> 01:01:20.800 The best source of discipline is one that comes from love, not from fear, not from a sense of failing or self-hatred or rejection. 01:01:21.519 --> 01:01:30.960 In chapter 5, Nature as a Joy Builder, Marden writes about nature as being a place we can each use to build joy into our lives. 01:01:31.199 --> 01:01:37.519 We've all seen a sunset or a sunrise or a vista that makes you stop and take it in. 01:01:37.599 --> 01:01:45.760 And if you haven't seen that, please go out and experience it because it is life-changing if you start to build that into your life. 01:01:46.000 --> 01:02:00.480 I've literally watched thunderstorms for hours, just being in absolute awe of the crackling of the thunder rolling over here, the jagged edges of the sky lit by sheets or forks of lightning. 01:02:00.719 --> 01:02:06.880 I'd happily lie on the grass or the sand, watch the clouds flit and float above me. 01:02:07.119 --> 01:02:16.400 There is for me something powerful knowing that those very clouds have never existed outside this moment, and they'll never exist again. 01:02:16.559 --> 01:02:30.000 If I'm lucky enough to see a cloud, I appreciate its short lifespan and the beauty unfurling in the sky over me as the wind moves it and recreates it into something else. 01:02:30.320 --> 01:02:34.719 Marvin describes nature as God's great cathedral. 01:02:34.880 --> 01:02:57.440 Now I've stood in man-made cathedrals like Notre Dame and been mesmerized by its design, the details like the stained glass windows and the soaring beams and the centuries-old floors, and I've marveled at the brilliance and ingenuity of these gifted men who have created these amazing buildings and spaces. 01:02:57.760 --> 01:03:02.239 And great cathedrals demand a kind of quiet reverence. 01:03:02.400 --> 01:03:25.039 And regardless of how you interpret that language, I think that there's something deeply grounding in the idea that there are places like a man-made structure, like a cathedral, or God's great cathedral of nature, that help remind you that our true state of being is where nothing is demanded of you. 01:03:25.599 --> 01:03:35.280 There's no need for performance, there's no striving for improvements, no trying to prove yourself, you're just being present. 01:03:35.519 --> 01:03:40.719 And Martin speaks about this harmony between character and environment. 01:03:40.960 --> 01:03:48.960 And again, if we just bring that into understanding of modern language, we might call that regulation or restoration. 01:03:49.119 --> 01:03:56.719 And we might call that, I guess, stepping out of our constant doing and allowing ourselves to simply be. 01:03:56.960 --> 01:04:00.639 Because we live in a world that rewards productivity, right? 01:04:00.880 --> 01:04:11.039 And we can get caught up in this idea that we must always be constantly doing to prove our worth, to provide a reason for our existence. 01:04:11.360 --> 01:04:19.599 But we forget that stillness, that rest, that just being, it's not actually laziness at all. 01:04:19.760 --> 01:04:45.760 And getting out into nature and being a part of that experience, being able to enjoy some aspect of outside, whether it is you literally look out your window and watch the clouds or watch the blueness of the sky change as the light changes, or watch the way that the

wind blows through the leaves, or whatever it is, there's some part of nature, bring it into your day, bring it into you for a moment. 01:04:45.920 --> 01:04:50.159 And that's not being lazy, that's about coming back to yourself. 01:04:50.320 --> 01:04:51.840 It's about recalibration. 01:04:52.000 --> 01:05:21.840 And perhaps part of being good to yourself is allowing space for those moments to notice beauty and to appreciate nature, to feel the gratitude of living in this moment or seeing that cloud or that sunset or that sunrise or the way that wave breaks upon the shore, the sound of the birds or the flittering noise that the trees make when the wind rustles through the leaves. 01:05:22.159 --> 01:05:27.039 Being in nature is being with a part of ourselves, in a sense. 01:05:27.280 --> 01:05:34.400 Mardin says there is a spirit in nature which finds kin in us to which we respond. 01:05:34.880 --> 01:05:49.280 The things which God's thought expresses in flowers and grasses and plants and trees and meadows and rivers and mountains and sunsets and the song of birds touches our very soul. 01:05:49.440 --> 01:05:52.719 It puts us in tune with the infinite. 01:05:53.119 --> 01:05:58.480 It brings us into harmony with the great spirit which pervades the universe. 01:05:59.039 --> 01:05:59.760 There is a magnitude. 01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:13.519 Magical restoring power in the spirit which breathes through nature, a healing balm for the wounded heart, a powerful refresher for the jaded, weary soul. 01:06:14.400 --> 01:06:20.960 To step even briefly out of the pressure of life and into presence. 01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:25.920 Because you cannot build well from a state of constant depletion. 01:06:26.079 --> 01:06:29.840 And we are honestly, constantly depleting ourselves. 01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:32.559 I think this is enough of me talking. 01:06:32.800 --> 01:06:39.679 I just want you to think about the foundation that you've already created or that you're creating in your life. 01:06:40.239 --> 01:06:45.199 Because foundation is not just what we do, it's how you relate to yourself while you're doing it. 01:06:45.280 --> 01:06:47.039 Are you building yourself up? 01:06:47.119 --> 01:06:54.719 Are you tearing yourself down with the way that you speak to yourself, with the way that you speak to others, with the way that you move through the world? 01:06:54.960 --> 01:06:56.320 So I want to leave you with this. 01:06:56.559 --> 01:06:59.840 How do you speak to yourself when no one is listening? 01:07:00.400 --> 01:07:02.480 When something goes wrong? 01:07:02.719 --> 01:07:06.480 What is the tone of yourself talk? 01:07:07.119 --> 01:07:09.199 Because that voice is building something. 01:07:09.280 --> 01:07:29.119 And it's either building something beautiful and magnificent and gorgeous, or it's building something that's designed to continue to self-destruct and create discord and create problems between you and other people and problems in who you want to be

and where you're gonna go. 01:07:29.599 --> 01:07:35.199 Remember, nothing changes if the voice in your head is still your harshest critic. 01:07:35.519 --> 01:07:44.800 The most foundational shift you can make is to stop being your own demolition crew and start becoming something that you can build with. 01:07:45.039 --> 01:07:57.519 Before I close out with our final quote, I actually want to offer a guided meditation because I just feel like there's an opportunity here for just to give us some space for ourselves. 01:07:57.760 --> 01:07:59.679 Just find a comfortable position. 01:07:59.840 --> 01:08:02.639 And if it feels right, gently close your eyes. 01:08:02.880 --> 01:08:04.400 Keep your eyes soft. 01:08:04.639 --> 01:08:07.760 Don't look specifically at anything too hard. 01:08:08.079 --> 01:08:14.079 Just take a slow breath in and a steady breath out. 01:08:14.559 --> 01:08:21.119 And I want you to breathe in through your nose and then out through your mouth. 01:08:22.239 --> 01:08:26.000 Again in and out. 01:08:28.560 --> 01:08:32.640 I invite you to just bring attention to yourself. 01:08:33.119 --> 01:08:49.680 Not what you need to do, not what you need to fix, not who you think you need to be, just you in this moment, here, now, present. 01:08:50.720 --> 01:08:51.680 Just you. 01:08:52.800 --> 01:08:58.720 Now gently notice what is the tone of your inner voice today. 01:08:59.680 --> 01:09:04.880 This is not the time for analyzing, we're just observing. 01:09:05.840 --> 01:09:07.119 Is it soft? 01:09:07.840 --> 01:09:09.359 Is it harsh? 01:09:09.760 --> 01:09:11.199 Is it sharp? 01:09:12.079 --> 01:09:13.359 Is it tired? 01:09:14.319 --> 01:09:15.920 Is it demanding? 01:09:16.640 --> 01:09:17.600 Is it kind? 01:09:18.319 --> 01:09:22.880 Whatever you notice, just let it be there without judgment. 01:09:23.600 --> 01:09:30.479 Now imagine just for a moment that you're standing inside a structure. 01:09:31.199 --> 01:09:38.319 I want this structure to be something that you create, a space that represents your inner world. 01:09:39.119 --> 01:09:41.520 Notice what it feels like. 01:09:42.079 --> 01:09:43.359 Is it steady? 01:09:44.159 --> 01:09:45.760 Is it strained? 01:09:46.800 --> 01:09:48.079 Is it quiet? 01:09:49.119 --> 01:09:50.960 Is it under pressure? 01:09:52.079 --> 01:09:53.840 What does the structure feel like? 01:09:54.000 --> 01:09:54.960 What does it look like? 01:09:55.119 --> 01:09:56.319 Is there a ceiling? 01:09:56.479 --> 01:09:57.920 Or is it open sky? 01:09:58.079 --> 01:09:58.960 Are there walls? 01:09:59.119 --> 01:10:00.079 Are there cracks? 01:10:00.560 --> 01:10:04.319 What do the foundations feel like underneath your feet? 01:10:04.640 --> 01:10:10.479 And how gently, I want you to imagine setting something down. 01:10:11.520 --> 01:10:37.600 And the something that you're gonna put down is the need to criticize, the need to judge, or to push, or the need to get everything right, the need to be perfect to strive, the need to be right, the need to be at the top. 01:10:38.079 --> 01:11:09.920 Just for this moment, you don't need to build anything, you don't need to do anything, you don't need to improve anything, you are simply here in this space, breathing, existing, and from this place where you're standing in, see if you can offer yourself one small shift. 01:11:10.640 --> 01:11:16.640 Don't pick up the box or the thing that you put down on the ground, you're gonna keep it there for now. 01:11:18.399 --> 01:11:27.119 I want you to offer yourself something that you can make a small change or a small step. 01:11:28.239 --> 01:11:31.520 This is not about creating perfection. 01:11:32.159 --> 01:11:41.279 It's not about trying to get something right, it's about just offering yourself grace and space and support. 01:11:42.800 --> 01:11:49.920 Maybe your sentence for yourself will be, I am on my own side. 01:11:51.199 --> 01:11:54.960 Or I can build from here. 01:11:56.720 --> 01:12:02.640 Or I don't need to tear myself down to grow. 01:12:03.760 --> 01:12:07.039 Or I am worthy of love. 01:12:08.800 --> 01:12:10.399 Let that settle. 01:12:10.720 --> 01:12:51.359 Whatever the sentence that you choose to infuse with yourself at this time, repeat it over, swirl it around, let it rest, take another slow breath in through the nose, and out, carry the mouth, breathe again a few more times, nice and slow, in and out, in and out. 01:12:53.920 --> 01:13:04.479 And when you're ready, gently return to this time, this place, this space where you reside. 01:13:06.479 --> 01:13:08.640 Thank you so much for joining me today. 01:13:08.800 --> 01:13:19.520 I know it's been a bit of a longer episode than normal, but I feel like we only scratched the surface really of this book, at least in how it's impacted my life. 01:13:19.760 --> 01:13:27.279 I want to remind you that on the Reverse Research Restore YouTube channel, I have an audio recording of the entire book. 01:13:27.439 --> 01:13:34.079 I've broken it into four segments, four parts, mostly because I was having trouble uploading it as a whole book. 01:13:34.239 --> 01:13:39.119 And I've also allowed you the opportunity to listen to it chapter by chapter. 01:13:39.199 --> 01:13:46.640 So all 22 chapters of this book are available on the Reverse Reset Restore YouTube channel. 01:13:46.960 --> 01:13:51.199 As always, I'm going to end the episode with a quote. 01:13:51.359 --> 01:13:55.680 And this isn't something that we've touched on in particular, but I do love this quote. 01:13:55.920 --> 01:13:57.760 It meant a lot to me when I read it. 01:13:57.840 --> 01:14:13.359 And it's something I wanted to share with you because I think it is really challenging me about not getting stuck in what's happened to me in the past and bringing that stuff with me that I don't need to bring into my future, to my present. 01:14:13.600 --> 01:14:21.600 I just want to encourage you with this final quote that if you were dragging the skeletons of your past around, that you don't necessarily need to. 01:14:21.760 --> 01:14:36.640 Be encouraged that you can move beyond your experiences, your bad habits of false economies and the way that you think, the way that you believe, the way that you represent yourself to the world, and become the person you were always intended to be. 01:14:37.359 --> 01:14:54.079 Nothing is more foolish, nothing more wicked, than to drag the skeletons of the past, the hideous images, the foolish deeds, the unfortunate experiences of yesterday into today's work to mar and spoil it. 01:14:54.319 --> 01:15:10.000 There are plenty of people who have been failures up to the present moment, who could do wonders in the future, if they could only forget the past, if they only had the ability to cut it off, to close the door on it forever and start anew.