Full Transcript for The Connected Goodbye

to catch me, no backup. 00:03:01.039 --> 00:03:14.560 I really grew into myself as a woman, a single woman, and I consciously chose and created a really rich, full life that I loved for myself, but also for the three of us, for the kids and I. 00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:19.759 And that that house, that home really held us as we did all of that. 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:26.879 And the day we were leaving, one of my kids said, This is the place I remember feeling safest. 00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:30.960 And he wasn't just talking about, he wasn't talking about physical safety. 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:40.000 He even at that as a young teenager, he understood that feeling of being safely held in this home that we created. 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:43.840 And then it it really was time for us to leave. 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:50.879 We knew it was time, yes, but there were parts of each of us that were not ready. 00:03:51.039 --> 00:03:53.759 We really did not want to say goodbye to that space. 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:59.520 And so I guided us, I helped, I helped them, all of us. 00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:01.280 We created a ritual. 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:15.599 We went room by room, um, together, the three of us, just the three of us, um, through the empty house, sharing a story or a memory of each room, of each other in those rooms. 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:18.319 We stood on the back deck, arms around one another. 00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:20.720 I'm actually getting tears in my eyes thinking about it. 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:29.600 Um, and we looked out down the block across the trees, and we breathed deeply the air of that special, special place. 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:41.120 You know, we walked and then we walked the backyard and we each collected a rock from the many that littered the the block, just like the ones that the house had been built with. 00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:42.800 The house is a stone home. 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:52.399 Um, and we collected a rock, we chose one that felt right, that felt meaningful to each of us, and we took those rocks with us to our next home. 00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:56.000 So this was a house, yes, a building, yes. 00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:12.800 And if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you will have heard me speak about letting go of the family home in divorce if it's the right decision, and doing that strategic strategically, objectively, not just emotionally, if it's the right decision. 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:15.439 This is still also true, right? 00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:26.800 This house and maybe your house too held us through summers and winters, through good times and the harder moments, the challenges of family and life. 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:32.160 It held our stories, our challenges, our laughter, our tears. 00:05:32.319 --> 00:05:38.399 It had a much deeper meaning for us than just a house, just that stone building. 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:53.279 It was our safe place, it was our haven, our home, and we left parts of

ourselves there, lots of our love, and then we gathered up all our love and all our stories and all our hope for what was coming next. 00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:59.199 We squeezed our memories into those rocks as we held them in our hands and we said our goodbyes. 00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:01.120 We said our goodbyes to that house. 00:06:01.199 --> 00:06:03.920 We said thank you and we said our goodbyes. 00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:15.920 Now, going back to Parker and her version of the connected goodbye, she breaks it into three components, and I'll just walk you through all three. 00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:20.879 But I want you to think about or I'm gonna do it for you twice. 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:33.839 Once for a house, once for a person, because I think most of you listening are either in the middle of leaving or thinking about leaving, one or the other, or both right now. 00:06:34.160 --> 00:06:40.879 And the shape of this, the shape of the goodbye doesn't change much, regardless of which one it is. 00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:45.439 So the first component is to acknowledge the ending. 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:52.720 It sounds almost too simplistic to say out loud, but you have to actually name that it's over. 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:58.240 And Parker's point is that the ambivalence is what drains you, what drains everyone. 00:06:58.399 --> 00:07:00.000 It's not actually the ending itself. 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:04.720 And I've talked about this a lot on the podcast and written about it a lot on social media, right? 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:10.079 It's not the ending itself, it's the inability or the refusal to call it one. 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:14.560 The half-leaving, the one foot in, one foot out, the maybe we're done. 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:24.480 And that's the part that really costs you because you're paying emotionally for something that you haven't let yourself let go of. 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:31.600 You're paying an emotional tax on an ending that you haven't let yourself actually acknowledge or have yet. 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:52.240 With a house that can look like the walkthrough, the photo, standing in the kitchen saying out loud to whoever's in that room with you, this is the last time, this is the last meal we'll cook in this room, this is the last time we'll sleep in this bedroom, whatever it is, and not waiting until the removalist van's there full of all your stuff three weeks later. 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:54.319 With a person, it's harder, right? 00:07:54.399 --> 00:08:05.439 Because there's no settlement date, there's no removalist van coming, there's no one moment, usually, sometimes there is, right? 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:09.519 There's no one moment where that sentence comes out of your mouth. 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:18.079 It's the conversation you have, or the one you keep almost having, or you have on loop, and you come back to it and come back to it before you actually go. 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:30.480 And and the slow fade isn't actually always the kindest way, it just shifts everything downstream a little bit, it shifts the cost out, it blows it out. 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:36.879 You still pay that cost, you pay it later, often alone instead of together now. 00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:42.480 So acknowledging the ending is the first part. 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:52.879 Name it out loud to someone, whether it's to the other person in the relationship, whether it's to someone else, that's the whole first move. 00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:54.240 Just naming it. 00:08:54.480 --> 00:09:15.759 The second move is taking stock, and this isn't about justifying anything, it's not staying, it's not leaving, not the years in between, it's about putting what the place or the person actually gave you, maybe took from you, on the record before you walk away from it, before you close it all up, right? 00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:20.320 For a house that's easy to pick that's easy to picture, it's easy to do. 00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:28.879 I just told you how we did it for our house, the pool, the bushblock, the people next door who became more family than just neighbours. 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:30.639 That's the stock taking. 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:35.919 That's saying this held something real and I want to note it before we go. 00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:37.200 I want to acknowledge it. 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:44.080 I'm gonna take stock of it and acknowledge what it was and what it meant for all of us. 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:51.200 For relationship, again, it's a bit harder because we tend to do one of two things when something ends badly. 00:09:51.360 --> 00:10:01.759 We either burn the whole thing down in our memory and it's all bad, or we sort of varnish over it until it's unrecognizable. 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.080 We look back with rose-coloured glasses. 00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:23.600 And I've I've said before on the podcast, for years I had a folder on my computer which was labelled not all bad, and it was photos of my our marriage, our relationship, our family across time when we were happy, when things were good. 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:37.360 Just as a reminder, as I moved through the separation, the divorce, the negotiation, parenting afterwards, just as a reminder that we did share something really significant. 00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:47.600 We did love each other once upon a time, and that relationship was not all bad because I had a tendency to want to burn it all down, blow it all up, and I still had to parent with this guy. 00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:49.440 Um, still have to, right? 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:57.919 Taking stock is not that binary, it's not it was all good, and it's not it was all wasted, terrible, it was all bad. 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:03.279 It's asking, what did this actually give me? 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:06.480 What did this teach me? 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:12.240 What did this actually let me become that perhaps I couldn't have become anywhere else? 00:11:12.480 -->

00:11:22.240 Not who were they to me, it's who did I get to be there in that relationship or in that house, right? 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:23.679 Who did I become? 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:26.159 Who was I in that space? 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:29.600 And it's a harder question than it sounds. 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:35.600 So this is an invitation to sit with it before you just answer it off the top of your head. 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:36.799 Really sit with it. 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:43.440 Who did I get to be there that perhaps I couldn't have been anywhere else? 00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:45.600 What did it show me about myself? 00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:49.600 What it did it teach me about myself, who did I become? 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:54.240 And then there's the third part, which is the saying goodbye, the ritual. 00:11:54.480 --> 00:12:07.279 If what I'm sharing about in this episode or any episode is speaking to you and you would like to explore working more closely with me, there is an opportunity to book a free intro call with me in the show notes. 00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:13.600 I would love to support you through your own reflect, reclaim, and liberate coaching experience. 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:17.360 Parker's really clear that it doesn't need to be dramatic. 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:26.240 It can be a last dinner, a final game, a walk through the empty rooms like we did, um, a photograph or photographs. 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:32.879 We had ours for the house, and you can create your own, whether that's for a house or a person. 00:12:33.279 --> 00:12:42.399 And for a person, this is the one that I want to be really clear about because it's one that most often just doesn't happen. 00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:45.919 Not every relationship ending gets a ritual. 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:57.440 Yes, you might be divorcing and you'll finally get that certificate, that piece of not paper, but that that thing that marks the ending. 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:16.559 But before that, some of you might be grieving someone right now with no last conversation, last dinner, nothing to really mark it by, just an absence where that person used to be, good, bad, or otherwise, right? 00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:26.080 There is still an absence, and I think that it's really powerful to name that as its own kind of loss and grief. 00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:38.639 Again, whether it was good, bad, indifferent, whether it blew up, whether it faded away, that relationship was significant, or you wouldn't be here listening to this. 00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:52.480 And that significance really deserves some kind of honouring, some kind of ritual, but you might just have to build that ritual for and by yourself. 00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:56.799 You might not necessarily get it with the other person. 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:07.039 If it's a more collaborative and kind, compassionate kind of uncoupling, you can absolutely do this together. 00:14:07.679 --> 00:14:13.200 If not, then it's on you to find

and create your own kind of ritual. 00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:27.759 So wherever you are right now, maybe you're leaving a house, you're about to hand the keys back on a house, or you're circling around the ending of a relationship. 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:31.600 I'm gonna leave you with the same three questions. 00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:36.639 Whatever it is you're leaving, a house, a relationship, a job even. 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:44.080 What is it that you're leaving right now that you haven't actually said goodbye to? 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:46.000 So name the thing. 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:59.039 And if you did, if you did the walkthrough, the photos, the last dinner, whatever it was, what would you need to say out loud standing in that room or across the table? 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:02.480 What is it that you want to say out loud? 00:15:02.799 --> 00:15:16.799 And the really hard one, not who were they to you, but who did this place or this person, this relationship allow you to become? 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:26.639 What version of you got built here, lived here, grew here, learned here? 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:32.000 What version of you got built here that could not have been built anywhere else? 00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:52.639 And they're questions that you don't necessarily have to ask or answer immediately, but it's really important to ask them, and that's the practice, asking them, sitting with them, allowing them to allowing your own answers to come up, and then maybe creating that ritual for yourself. 00:15:55.360 --> 00:16:00.639 I want to finish by saying a connected goodbye doesn't make everything better. 00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:08.960 It doesn't make leaving, whether it's a house, a home, a relationship, easy, painless. 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:14.399 I was gonna say better, I think it does make it better, but it doesn't make it easy or painless. 00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:22.799 It just means that you take back some of your control, power. 00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:28.960 It means that you get to be the one to define what this looks like and what this means. 00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:35.200 You close the door and you walk away instead of it being sort of slammed in your face. 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:49.279 Even if leaving this relationship is or was something you wanted and something you chose, you can still create this ritualistic connected goodbye. 00:16:50.000 --> 00:17:12.720 And circling back to our old home, of course, that house isn't gone, it's just somebody else's now, with new stories, new chapters being written in those same rooms, and that sense of safety my son spoke about, like I said to him that day, that's inside of you. 00:17:13.440 --> 00:17:19.759 You created it here, and it gets to come with you wherever you go next. 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:21.839 You get to take that with you. 00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:32.400 And we drove away from that house without rocks, feeling almost ready to start writing our own next chapter. 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:36.640 Almost ready, and I think that's the key. 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:50.000 You don't have to be ready to say goodbye, you just have to be almost ready, ready to create a new version of you of you, a new story for yourself, a new version of home. 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:53.440 As always, thank you for being here. 00:17:53.519 --> 00:18:03.839 And if you know someone who you think would like, benefit from, feel supported by listening to this episode, please share it with them. 00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:16.079 Hard things are done more easily when we do them in community, even if part of that community is or one aspect of that community is a podcast community. 00:18:16.880 --> 00:18:18.079 Thanks for being here. 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:20.480 Until next week, bye for now. 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:27.680 I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate. 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:36.000 You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them. 00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:47.039 I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love. 00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:51.839 I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate. 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:52.880 Until then.